# A Christmas Story **URL:** \ **Category:** Lounge\ **Created:** [December 20, 2011, 8:24am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/a-christmas-story/53836 "2011-12-20T08:24:32Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 2\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Bella](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/bella/32/1738_2.png) [@Bella](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Bella)\ **Post date:** [December 20, 2011, 8:24am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/a-christmas-story/53836/1 "2011-12-20T08:24:32Z")
This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. It won first prize. 🙂 **As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.** **What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay’s kids’ stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.** **One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don’t sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.** **If you’ve never been in an X-rated store, don’t go. You’ll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, “What does this do?” “You’re kidding me!” “Who would buy that?” Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.** **I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.** **Finding what I wanted was difficult. ‘Love Dolls’ come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I’d only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for ‘Lovable Louise’. She was at the bottom of the price scale.** **To call Louise a “doll” took a huge leap of imagination.** **On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life…** **My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise’s pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.** **The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.** **We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.** **My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.** **“What the hell is that?” she asked.** **.My brother quickly explained, “It’s a doll.”** **“Who would play with something like that?” Granny snapped.** **.I kept my mouth shut.** **“Where are her clothes?” Granny continued.** **“Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,” Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.** **.But Granny was relentless. “Why doesn’t she have any teeth?”** **Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, “Hang on Granny, hang on!”** **My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, “Hey, who’s the naked gal by the fireplace?” I told him she was Jay’s friend.** **A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa’s last Christmas at home.** **The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.** **My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.** **Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.** **It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.** **Later in my brother’s garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise’s collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.** **Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.** **I can’t wait until next Christmas.** Bella ---
**Author:** ![SteveO](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/87869e/32.png) [@SteveO](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/SteveO)\ **Post date:** [December 20, 2011, 4:17pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/a-christmas-story/53836/2 "2011-12-20T16:17:01Z")
Good stuff right there. Thanks for sharing 🙂