# Am I overreacting? Or should he apologize...

**URL:** <https://pheromonetalk.com/t/am-i-overreacting-or-should-he-apologize/51134>\
**Category:** Lounge\
**Created:** [July 8, 2011, 6:17am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/am-i-overreacting-or-should-he-apologize/51134 "2011-07-08T06:17:17Z")\
**Posts on this page:** 8\
**Page:** 1

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**Author:** ![babeexphat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bbe5ce/32.png) [@babeexphat](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/babeexphat)\
**Post date:** [July 8, 2011, 6:17am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/am-i-overreacting-or-should-he-apologize/51134/1 "2011-07-08T06:17:17Z")

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Boyfriend was supposed to come over after he was done with a group project online… He had promised that he is “almost done with this project,” at 12:20  
At 2 am, I call him and asked when he would be done and if he still wanted to come see me. He said he will probably get to my place at 3:30 at this point and said probably not because it’s too late.  
He had NO apologetic tone and did not even apologize.

I was upset because if he knew that he can’t make it because it will be too late, he should’ve called me or texted me to let me know, so that I could go to sleep. And if he just found that it was getting this late, he should’ve at least sounded apologetic for not being able to make it to my place tonight.

He told me “I don’t owe you an apology for anything, you can’t demand it.” his reasoning was that he never told me to wait for him and that waiting for him was my decision.

I understand that this project is very important to him, but I thought it was out of line when he said that he doesn’t owe me an apology and won’t apologize for it.

Am I overreacting? Or is he out of line for saying such things to me?

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**Author:** ![tisha23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/53a042/32.png) [@tisha23](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/tisha23)\
**Post date:** [July 8, 2011, 6:46am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/am-i-overreacting-or-should-he-apologize/51134/2 "2011-07-08T06:46:57Z")

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Your only over reacting it you make a issue out of it.

Manners and consideration would have been nice on his part. He should have let you know he wasn’t going to make it at the time he told you. Did he actually give you a time though ? You indicated he said he was almost done but almost done to him may be a big difference then almost done to you. He was probably tired to. If it were me, knowing it was a important project, I would have told him at 12 to concentrate on his project and I would see him tomorrow. Consideration is a two way street.

Keep in mind he was probably wiped out from working to and that could be why he is being short and unapologetic.

I wouldn’t demand a apology because even if he did it it wouldn’t be sincere. You told him how you felt. I would just calmly tell him in the future if your going to run over that late let me no and we can reschedule. I know the project is really important to you but my time is important to me to.

Dont make more out of it then it is. If he keeps repeating the behavior after you made it clear how you feel and what you expect then it becomes a issue.

Tisha

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**Author:** ![castlerock](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/castlerock/32/1503_2.png) [@castlerock](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/castlerock)\
**Post date:** [July 8, 2011, 9:04am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/am-i-overreacting-or-should-he-apologize/51134/3 "2011-07-08T09:04:01Z")

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He sounds like a dick. You’re telling me he had no clue that you were waiting up for him? If I know somebody is waiting up for me then I let them know what is going on. It’s like if I text somebody and they answer me the next day, then fuck you, take a hike. It doesn’t take 24 hours for a simple response.

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**Author:** ![RADMAN513](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/radman513/32/364_2.png) [@RADMAN513](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/RADMAN513)\
**Post date:** [July 8, 2011, 1:43pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/am-i-overreacting-or-should-he-apologize/51134/4 "2011-07-08T13:43:56Z")

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I’m inclined to agree with Tish, yes he should have called or texted to let you know. But much like his being tired could explain his shortness, him being involved in his project could explain not calling…personally if I’m seriously into a project I totally lose track of time.

The thing to think about in a situation like this is, is it better to be right, or to be in a relationship? I’ve seen a lot of relationships end over what is ultimately a pretty trivial matter because neither party is willing to just let go of the need to be right.

Now bear in mind I’m not suggesting that anyone of either gender tolerate habitual bad behavior just to maintain the relationship…if it’s habitual the relationship isn’t likely to be a happy one anyway. But over a single incident? It’s something to think about. I’m sure you realize that if you keep bringing it up and demanding an apology (needing confirmation that you’re right) he’s going to continue to be defensive about it and refuse or as Tisha stated give an insincere one (refusal to let go of his perception that he’s right) and it will only escalate until either somebody concedes and lets go of the need to be right, or lets go of the relationship.

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**Author:** ![Kelsey](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/kelsey/32/8468_2.png) [@Kelsey](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Kelsey)\
**Post date:** [July 8, 2011, 3:19pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/am-i-overreacting-or-should-he-apologize/51134/5 "2011-07-08T15:19:56Z")

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I can only say he is being a dick if he is always doing this. Each situation is different and you should consider certain things like :

Is this a habit with him(when you guys met or have been for a while)

The project he was working on

What was going on at the time

I totally agree that he should have called or txt to let you know but being absent minded when doing something like what he was working on can be understandable.

My b/f tends to do things like that and it’s gotten so much better but when I met him he warned me this is a habit of his in regards to time etc.

One time I was so mad at him for missing our date and didn’t even call etc and it turns out he was in a fight.

In the end I think he should apologize for not txting and just explain that it slipped his mind because if it was him am sure he would be upset.

You could try letting him know that you understand why he slipped up but now that he realizes you were waiting for him an apology is in order.

Things like that in the long run with a good man as radman said is trivial so put emotions aside , look at the big picture and decide.

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**Author:** ![babeexphat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bbe5ce/32.png) [@babeexphat](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/babeexphat)\
**Post date:** [July 8, 2011, 4:42pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/am-i-overreacting-or-should-he-apologize/51134/6 "2011-07-08T16:42:06Z")

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wow thanks everyone, these have been the most constructive responses i’ve ever gotten.

This is a habit with him. Given this fact, him being late and not taking time seriously has always been an issue with him.  
However, my being anal with time has been an issue with me. I usually tell people exactly what time i think i’ll get there and am not usually late at all. And i get extremely frustrated with people who are late constantly (eg bf)

In the end, he called back after his project and apologized for acting that way to me. I apologized in return for overreacting.  
But i know that each of us still think that we’re right, and this sort of behavior will perpetuate as long as we’re in this relationship. We’ve been trying to fix it, but nothing seems to be working.  
Radman, you’re right on point and since this isn’t just a single incident, I should definitely muse on this matter longer.

Thanks so much for hearing me vent and giving me a new perspective on things everyone!!  
yay reps for eveyrone \<3

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**Author:** ![RADMAN513](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/radman513/32/364_2.png) [@RADMAN513](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/RADMAN513)\
**Post date:** [July 9, 2011, 1:03am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/am-i-overreacting-or-should-he-apologize/51134/7 "2011-07-09T01:03:28Z")

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> [@babeexphat](#):
>
> wow thanks everyone, these have been the most constructive responses i’ve ever gotten.
> 
> This is a habit with him. Given this fact, him being late and not taking time seriously has always been an issue with him.  
> However, my being anal with time has been an issue with me. I usually tell people exactly what time i think i’ll get there and am not usually late at all. And i get extremely frustrated with people who are late constantly (eg bf)
> 
> In the end, he called back after his project and apologized for acting that way to me. I apologized in return for overreacting.  
> **But i know that each of us still think that we’re right** , and this sort of behavior will perpetuate as long as we’re in this relationship. We’ve been trying to fix it, but nothing seems to be working.  
> Radman, you’re right on point and since this isn’t just a single incident, I should definitely muse on this matter longer.
> 
> Thanks so much for hearing me vent and giving me a new perspective on things everyone!!  
> yay reps for eveyrone \<3

Anytime, and I want to commend you on something. I’m usually pretty good at reading between the lines and analyzing to get a sense of what a person says without actually saying it…the bolded part here jumped out at me.  
See, most people, (because either gender can be guilty of this) would have said “But I know that he still thinks he’s right…” Which is the subconscious saying “I don’t think I’m right…I’m just right and he just refuses to admit it” it’s a way of convincing ourselves that NONE of the responsibility for what happens is on us…we’re totally blameless.  
You didn’t do that, your wording shows that you realize it’s not a “him” issue, but a “you and him” issue. Not many people are mature enough or emotionally strong enough to face that internally. Sure if confronted you can consciously say “yeah I know I’m partially responsible”, and not actually believe it. But you didn’t do that, you basically accept responsibility for your own thoughts and emotions and that’s rare so I just wanted to acknowledge it.

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**Author:** ![Butterfly](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/butterfly/32/1942_2.png) [@Butterfly](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Butterfly)\
**Post date:** [July 10, 2011, 1:51pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/am-i-overreacting-or-should-he-apologize/51134/8 "2011-07-10T13:51:20Z")

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> [@babeexphat](#):
>
> I was upset because if he knew that he can’t make it because it will be too late, he should’ve called me or texted me to let me know, so that I could go to sleep. And if he just found that it was getting this late, he should’ve at least sounded apologetic for not being able to make it to my place tonight.
> 
> He told me “I don’t owe you an apology for anything, you can’t demand it.” his reasoning was that he never told me to wait for him and that waiting for him was my decision.

It looks like each of you have a different outlook on the relationship. By the way it sounds, you feel you should "sacrifice’ a bit for eachother, e.g. do a few things you don’t really want to, expecting something in return. He seems to operate under an “I do as I please, you do as you please scheme”. This clashes.

Think about wether you are willing to accept him as he is or would be better of with another guy. (I have a female friend who is like this, but I’ve know her since childhood and she is like a sister. Always late, often cancels, but I care about her anyway.)

If you want to continue, make dates only such that a half hour of lateness is irrelevant and cancel when he is later than that. For example, let him pick you up from home so you can continue checking email/reading PT/playing bejeweled instead of meeting at bars and restaurants. Let him be the one to make and adjust any reservations. Don’t agree to meet so late that staying up is required, keep it before 10pm. If you need to be somewhere on time,like a concert or show, go with someone else. What happens is that he is either less than half an hour late, and you have prepared for this so it is hunky dory or you cancel and cut your losses. The latter still sucks but it at least puts a cap on the level of frustration you may experience. Aside from this, being cancelled on is not fun, so he may very well decide to watch the time more closely. He’ll be more likely to change his behaviour in the role of problem owned than in the role of accused. Keep in mind that you should not try to change him, just change the way you deal with him. The only one who can change him is he himself. If you decide to be with him, you must accept him as he is and change your own behaviour to make it run smoothly.