# Another Holiday must read **URL:** \ **Category:** Lounge\ **Created:** [December 9, 2008, 11:37pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/another-holiday-must-read/23807 "2008-12-09T23:37:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 3\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Wolfy](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/wolfy/32/965_2.png) [@Wolfy](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Wolfy)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2008, 11:37pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/another-holiday-must-read/23807/1 "2008-12-09T23:37:18Z")
Thi **s should get everyone in the mood for Christmas!!** This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. It won first prize. As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of pantyhose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay’s kids’ stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty. One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don’t sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you’ve never been in an X-rated store, don’t go. you’ll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, ‘What does this do?’ ‘You’re kidding me!’ ‘Who would buy that?’ Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. ‘Love Dolls’ come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I’d only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for ‘Lovable Louise.’ She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a ‘doll’ took a huge leap of imagination. On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise’s pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours. The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner. My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked i n the door. ‘What the hell is that?’ she asked. My brother quickly explained, ‘It’s a doll.’ ‘Who would play with something like that?’ Granny snapped. I kept my mouth shut. ‘Where are her clothes?’ Granny continued. ‘Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,’ Jay said, to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. ‘Why doesn’t she have any teeth?’ Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, ‘Hang on Granny, hang on!’ My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up t o me and said, ’ Hey, who’s the naked gal by the fireplace?’ I told him she was Jay’s friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa’s last Christmas at home. The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants. Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my brother’s garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise’s collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health. I can’t wait until next Christmas ---
**Author:** ![Wolfy](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/wolfy/32/965_2.png) [@Wolfy](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Wolfy)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2008, 8:54pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/another-holiday-must-read/23807/2 "2008-12-12T20:54:27Z")
FROM: Pauline Lewis Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: 4th November RE: Christmas Party I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We’ll have a small band playing tra ditional carols…please feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if the Managing Director shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00 p.m. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone’s pockets. This gathering is only for employees! The Managing Director will make a special announcement at the Party. Merry Christmas to you and your Family. Pauline FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: 5th November RE: Holiday Party In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we’re calling it our ‘Holiday Party.’ The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now? Happy Holidays to you and your family, Pauline. FROM; Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: 6th November RE: Holiday Party Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table…you didn’t sign your name. I’m happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, “AA Only,” you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore!!! How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that $10.00 is too much money and Management believe $10.00 is a little cheap. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED. Pauline. FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: 7th November RE: Holiday Party What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’ beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work? Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets, Gays are allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men’s table, too. To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed. And No, no blow-up sheep. We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food. We suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply “No Sugar” desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?! Pauline. FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Fuckin’ Employees DATE: 8 November RE: The Fuckin’ Holiday Party. Vegetarian pricks I’ve had it with you people!!! We’re going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the “grill of death”, as you so quaintly put it. You’ll get your f\*ckin’ salad bar, including organic tomatoes, but you know tomatoes have feeling, too. They scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing them scream right NOW!! Hope you all have a rotten holiday \* drink, drive, and die! The Bitch from HELL!!! FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director DATE: 9th November RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery, and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party. ---
**Author:** ![Wolfy](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/wolfy/32/965_2.png) [@Wolfy](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Wolfy)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2008, 2:01am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/another-holiday-must-read/23807/3 "2008-12-15T02:01:27Z")
Now for some political flair- (yes, there are those of us here in Illinois who realize our corrupt governor is running our state into the ground) Ladies and Gentlemen I give you the real Christmas present in the form of a song. To the tune of “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen” Get packin’, Rod Blagojevich The state’s in disarray The Tribune wants you unemployed At least by Christmas Day. The TV pundits want your head Could there be pay to play? Oh, tidings of comfort and joy Save Illinois! Oh, tidings of comfort and joy. Good riddance Rod Blagojevich Your Elvis look’s insane, The Senate’s mad, so’s Lisa’s dad. You drive us all insane. Our transit’s broke, the state’s a joke, The Tollway’s one big pain. Oh, tidings of comfort and joy Save Illinois! Oh, tidings of comfort and joy. Good luck old Rod Blagojevich The feds have quite a place. Fitzgerald’s poked his nose around And if he has a case, George Ryan’s movin g stuff around Creating extra space. Oh, tidings of comfort and joy Save Illinois! Oh, tidings of comfort and joy.