# Avoiding a V-day massacre: mad at boyfriend, what do I wear tonight? **URL:** \ **Category:** Women's Pheromone Advice & Field Reports\ **Created:** [February 14, 2009, 6:29pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/avoiding-a-v-day-massacre-mad-at-boyfriend-what-do-i-wear-tonight/26082 "2009-02-14T18:29:38Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 9\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Smelly](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/smelly/32/918_2.png) [@Smelly](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Smelly)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2009, 5:56am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/avoiding-a-v-day-massacre-mad-at-boyfriend-what-do-i-wear-tonight/26082/21 "2009-02-17T05:56:01Z")
> [@renny](#): > > 3 sprays Instant Forgiveness > 2 sprays of Instant Good Humor > 2 Sprays of Ishine 2x > > When he gets there tell him that you were very disappointed that he forgot Valentine’s Day, but much worse was forgetting your date! However since it’s Valentine’s Day and it’s so important to you that you won’t let anything mess it up you have already forgiven his misdeed. Go to the party and make sure he has a wonderful time. Then after the party remind him again how very nice Valentine’s Day is for lovers so that next year he’ll look forward to it and will keep reminding YOU that Valentine’s Day is coming. 🙂 Just 2 pennys from a guy. Update: You know, when I first read renny’s post (quoted above), my initial reaction was something along the lines of, “He!! no, I’m mad, BF isn’t treating me the way I want to be treated, and I’m gonna hash this out…” But once I took a cool-off walk around the block, I saw the wisdom in this post. It would have been missing the point of V-day if I’d chosen to pick a fight about this. And if I had picked a fight, that just would have reinforced BF’s dislike of V-day. So I decided to give renny’s advice a shot. When BF came to pick me up, he was carrying flowers. I gave him a nice hug and kiss, thanked him sincerely for the flowers, and explained that I wasn’t mad anymore and we could have a nice time tonight. Then we wound up having a long talk about the meanings of things and how our reactions to V-day varied greatly due to our understanding of what the day signified. For him, he just took the holiday at face value with the plastic hearts and whatnot… so he hates it. But once I explained how I felt about it (a day to put everything aside and just focus on each other, a day to give special “personalized” gifts that only you and your lover would understand), he warmed up a little more to it. As a future compromise, I offered to let him pick any other day of the year when we would do something like this since I don’t really care about the calendar date-- I just want a chance to celebrate us. He seemed somewhat open to that idea, but didn’t really grab onto it like I hoped he would. So the issue of significance/celebration of the holiday is still unresolved, but at least we’re ok with each other again. Anyway, we went out to eat, and I had to concede that he had a point about the crowds. We had to wait forever for a table, even though we had reservations. Parking was impossible, prices were high, and lots of people were wearing some really tacky stuff. But the sushi and cocktails were tasty, we got a cute little “lovers table” (where they seat you side-by-side) and I could see that he was really enjoying himself by the time the evening was over. Finally we went back to my place and I gave him a… erm… “very special” V-day present that isn’t necessarily my favorite thing on the menu but that I know he absolutely loves. So that’s that. We seem to have survived the crisis intact. I was still a little edgy yesterday and today and found excuses to call him both days because I really just wanted reassurance. There are 2 issues that remain, though: (1) I would like to work out some V-day compromise that can make us both happy. I’m perfectly fine with moving it to another day of the year that he can choose, but he didn’t seem to go for it. Anyone have any other ideas? (2) One of the reasons I was really looking forward to V-day is that I’m kinda on the mushy side and really like flowers, letters, little creative presents, and just lots of little romantic gestures. My man does a lot of considerate stuff for me (teaching me to cook, is building my new bed, comes over to my place almost all the time b/c I think his place is too cold), but I’d really like some more little romantic gsetures. Some of the guys here have posted that men hate V-day because they want the romantic gestures to be their own ideas. That would be fine… if the gestures were forthcoming at other times! But my man is apparently just not a flower-bringing, poetry-writing, window-serenading kinda guy. Is there any way to let him know how happy that stuff makes me without seeming to demand it? ---
**Author:** ![Bella](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/bella/32/1738_2.png) [@Bella](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Bella)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2009, 9:40am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/avoiding-a-v-day-massacre-mad-at-boyfriend-what-do-i-wear-tonight/26082/22 "2009-02-17T09:40:03Z")
> [@Smelly](#): > > _**You know, when I first read renny’s post (quoted above), my initial reaction was something along the lines of, “He!! no, I’m mad, BF isn’t treating me the way I want to be treated, and I’m gonna hash this out…”**_ > > _But once I took a cool-off walk around the block, **I saw the wisdom in this post. It would have been missing the point of V-day if I’d chosen to pick a fight about this. And if I had picked a fight, that just would have reinforced BF’s dislike of V-day.** So I decided to give renny’s advice a shot._ I’m glad you two worked it out and were able to have a pleasant evening. Jeez he even showed up with flowers and you showed him in the way a man likes best, exactly how much _you love him_ and appreciated his effort. Sounds like a good Valentines Day to me. 🙂 Renny’s advice was the best IMO. Sometimes it’s not easy to open your heart, especially when you feel so strongly about something that matters to you. There’s a couple of ways I look at it. I could just want to have it my way or compromise and be happy or not about it. 🙄 What’s important to me is that he also gets what he wants. How you can get the twain to meet is the thing you need to work out. The important thing is being able to freely discuss how you both feel about it and you’ve done that. > [@](#): > > \*\*\*There are 2 issues that remain, though: \*\*\* > \*\*\*(1) I would like to work out some V-day compromise that can make us both happy. I’m perfectly fine with moving it to another day of the year that he can choose, but he didn’t seem to go for it. Anyone have any other ideas \*\*\* I know he didn’t exactly respond the way you’d hoped and he doesn’t seem to want to settle on another day or, at least at this time, doesn’t seem interested in discussing it further. That could be the problem in and of itself. He just may not want to be nailed down and “forced” into _any_ day of formalized celebration. Just some food for thought. Regardless, if you must have an answer, when the right opportunity presents itself, you could _gently_ ask him about it again. > [@](#): > > - **One of the reasons I was really looking forward to V-day is that I’m kinda on the mushy side and really like flowers, letters, little creative presents, and just lots of little romantic gestures. My man does a lot of considerate stuff for me (teaching me to cook, is building my new bed, comes over to my place almost all the time b/c I think his place is too cold), but I’d really like some more little romantic gestures.**\* I truly understand how people love Valentines Day. I mean it’s a special day for lovers, right? In all honesty I have to say I’m probably in the minority here, IDK. I think I’m as romantic as the next gal, it’s just that I’m able to adjust the shade of my rose colored glasses. And I don’t mean that in a negative way. It’s just the way _I_ “see” it. The stuff your man does for you that’s “considerate”? Is indeed _very_ condiderate…_so_ considerate, in fact, that not only do I consider it a romantic gesture…hell, depending on what it is, I might even consider it erotic foreplay. 😃 It may be just me but I don’t need the “day”. I’d rather he bring me flowers outta the blue or run the vacuum because I’m tired. Or when I mention I can’t get to the cleaners to pick up my clothes because they close before I get off work and he goes out of his way to get them for me. I think the pastry he brings me from the bakery Sunday morning is a gift. That might not float another woman’s boat but I think it’s a sweet, thoughtful gesture that pleases me to no end. That to me _is_ Valentines Day. These small gestures fill my heart because I know _he’s simply thinking of me_. Being able to find the love in the everyday things he does for me, I think that’s what makes the difference for me. In fact, it’s what makes my world go 'round. 🙂 > [@](#): > > _ **Some of the guys here have posted that men hate V-day because they want the romantic gestures to be their own ideas. That would be fine… if the gestures were forthcoming at other times! But my man is apparently just not a flower-bringing, poetry-writing, window-serenading kinda guy. Is there any way to let him know how happy that stuff makes me without seeming to demand it?** _ Don’t get me wrong, I love a box of fine chocolates as much as the next girl on Valentines Day and I’m not opposed to the occasional grand gesture but that’s not what it’s about for me. I just don’t put all my bets on one day, I guess that’s what I mean. As far as I’m concerned he’s got 365 days a year to get his sh\*t together. He can pick any cotton pickin’ time he likes. If he can only muster but a card and a Hershey bar on Valentines Day…meh, I’ll live…in the mean time, I’ll look forward to another one of those yummy pastries…_when the spirit moves him_. 🙂 The best you can do is to encourage him as far as you can in the sweetest way possible. Demanding _anything_ from someone will get ya nowhere fast. You can’t make people _give_ you anything. It’s like stealing a piece of jewelry and then trying to feel good about wearing it. The trouble is it doesn’t feel good. It must be given freely to feel good. Frankly, I don’t want it any other way. If that’s the case then, it’s my choice how I deal with it. I can decide to except it or not. If I _do_ decide to accept it, I do it for my own sake as well as his… and for the good of our relationship I need to do so without resentment. Only you and he can work it out to a suitable compromise. I think you’re on the right track as he came around so well and was willing to discuss it to the point of where you were both able to honestly express yourselves. I think you both did great. Now you need to ease up a bit and give the dear boy a little breathing room. 😉 I really get the thing about guys wanting to choose their own time for little expressions of love. I appreciate the spontaneity and sincerity of it so much more. It’s like the perfect kiss. It’s a happening that can’t be staged. It occurs in the time and place it’s meant to happen. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could call up those scenarios on demand? Unfortunately that rarely happens…except on screen. Well, Smelly, I don’t know if it’s of any help to you but that’s my belated nickle for the pot. My best to you and your sweetheart. 😉 Bella ---
**Author:** ![renny](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/renny/32/2104_2.png) [@renny](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/renny)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2009, 4:15pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/avoiding-a-v-day-massacre-mad-at-boyfriend-what-do-i-wear-tonight/26082/23 "2009-02-17T16:15:40Z")
OMG, I can’t believe I got him off the hook. Score one for guy solidarity. 😛😃 Seriously, putting his feelings aside, didn’t YOU have a much nicer Valentines Day than you would have had otherwise? We live in a world that promotes blame, faultfinding, revenge, and reparation. All those things keep us living in the past. It’s so much better to enjoy the present and hope for the future. Thanks Smelly, you destroyed a lot of negativity. That’s not easy to do, and it’s better for all of us than carbon credits. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![AshesBlue](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/ashesblue/32/895_2.png) [@AshesBlue](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/AshesBlue)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2009, 11:04pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/avoiding-a-v-day-massacre-mad-at-boyfriend-what-do-i-wear-tonight/26082/24 "2009-02-17T23:04:16Z")
As far as crowds go, you can try a little less known/popular but still good restaurant, or you could go the day before or after Valentines Day, or he can make yall a really yummy meal at home w/candles and all that jazz. There are lots of options really. Our first Valentines Day, my bf went out and got candles, wine glasses and made us a really yummy lobster dinner. When you said something about picking another date, I automatically thought of the anniversary, but Id like more than one day a year, so combining Valentines Day and Anniversary wouldnt really work for me. So maybe the day after or the following weekend of Valentines Day would be a good compromise. I honestly dont see what is so _hard_ about celebrating Valentines Day, there are worst things in life. If it makes the other person happy, and it’s not a onesided relationship, why not? I think some guys need that encouragement, like certain days, since their minds dont really _go_ there, but they make the other person feel special. It’s not that they dont care (well the good guys anyway), they just dont really think about it. I think my bf could use a “Romance for Dummies” book, I bet they have on too lol! He’s just so analyitical and rational, he can’t help it. Given all that Id still say he’s been the best bf Ive had when it comes to Valentines Day, and most other things as well. Im glad you had a good time. ---
**Author:** ![Smelly](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/smelly/32/918_2.png) [@Smelly](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Smelly)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2009, 12:37am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/avoiding-a-v-day-massacre-mad-at-boyfriend-what-do-i-wear-tonight/26082/25 "2009-02-18T00:37:20Z")
> [@renny](#): > > Seriously, putting his feelings aside, **didn’t YOU have a much nicer Valentines Day than you would have had otherwise?** We live in a world that promotes blame, faultfinding, revenge, and reparation. All those things keep us living in the past. It’s so much better to enjoy the present and hope for the future. Thanks Smelly, you destroyed a lot of negativity. That’s not easy to do, and it’s better for all of us than carbon credits. 🙂 Yes, I really did have a much better time than I would have if I had picked a fight. I do sometimes have a “win the battle, but lose the war” stubborn streak that I need to work on. Thanks again, renny, for your clear-headed advice. I hope that you keep hanging around the Women’s Forum; sometimes a male perspective is a valuable thing. Just remember that we ladies are a spirited and stubborn lot. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![mark-in-dallas](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/mark-in-dallas/32/860_2.png) [@mark-in-dallas](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/mark-in-dallas)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2009, 1:34am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/avoiding-a-v-day-massacre-mad-at-boyfriend-what-do-i-wear-tonight/26082/26 "2009-02-18T01:34:12Z")
Lots of great replies, suggestions and thoughts here, and I just thought I’d throw in my 2 cents as well. I’ve got to agree with Gegogi’s train of thought in that Valentines day is far to commercialized and capitalized on, and we’re just expected to take it in stride and show our feelings by opening up our wallets. I also consider myself a romantic and don’t need to have a day set aside or to be reminded that it’s time to show my loved one how much she means to me or how much I care. Every day is special and should be treasured. I do little things, spend quality time and show my feelings and appreciation for my SO all the time because I want to, not because I’m expected to. I think I might be a bit offended if my girlfriend asked me to set aside one day a year, or month, to show how much we mean to each other. It might just make me feel that she didn’t see or appreciate the things I do pretty much every day to let her know how special she is and how happy I am to be with her. On the other hand, women do tend to be more emotional and sentimental, and I can understand some of the ladies viewpoints as well, in wanting to have that special time set aside just for each other. But as the book says, Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. And finally, the boyfriend was wrong in making plans, then forgetting about them and asking her to go alone after being reminded. ---
**Author:** ![AshesBlue](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/ashesblue/32/895_2.png) [@AshesBlue](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/AshesBlue)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2009, 2:48am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/avoiding-a-v-day-massacre-mad-at-boyfriend-what-do-i-wear-tonight/26082/27 "2009-02-18T02:48:48Z")
Did you know that dude who wrote all those “relationship” books, ended up getting a divorce, ironic isnt it? All I can say to Gegogi’s response is, You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. It just felt so angry, ugly, and accusatory. Maybe the sentiments were valid, but the way you went about it was just mean. Because of that all I remember is the negativity. I dont see the harm in having certain days to celebrate. Im glad my bf doesnt share others hatred for the holiday or any other special occasion. I guess we will just have to agree to disagree. ---
**Author:** ![CookieGirl](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/cookiegirl/32/1379_2.png) [@CookieGirl](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/CookieGirl)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2009, 3:49am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/avoiding-a-v-day-massacre-mad-at-boyfriend-what-do-i-wear-tonight/26082/28 "2009-02-18T03:49:03Z")
> [@AshesBlue](#): > > Did you know that dude who wrote all those “relationship” books, ended up getting a divorce, ironic isnt it? > > All I can say to Gegogi’s response is, You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. > It just felt so angry, ugly, and accusatory. > Maybe the sentiments were valid, but the way you went about it was just mean. Because of that all I remember is the negativity. > > I dont see the harm in having certain days to celebrate. > Im glad my bf doesnt share others hatred for the holiday or any other special occasion. > I guess we will just have to agree to disagree. I can very very easily see things from, how do I say this, “our” side. And I wont disagree with you that his comments were negative. But then again, we gotta do that “in thier shoes” thing again. Looking back on the post, alot of people were pretty " YEAH YEAH ! MAKE HIM GROVEL ! MAKE HIM GROVEL ! HOW DARE HE FORGET ! KILL HIM !! " without even fulling understanding the situation from the guy’s side. And if I were a fellow member of the same sex, I would also be impelled to defend the guy, who practically has no voice here. I guess what Im trying, and probably failing miserably, to say here is I doubt Gegogi said it just for the pure sake of being negative and patronizing Or maybe I’m wrong… OH GAWD DONT HURT ME ! ---
**Author:** ![Gegogi](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/gegogi/32/1536_2.png) [@Gegogi](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Gegogi)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2009, 9:32am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/avoiding-a-v-day-massacre-mad-at-boyfriend-what-do-i-wear-tonight/26082/29 "2009-02-19T09:32:54Z")
Mahalo Cookie, you saw the bigger picture and your insight is crystal clear and well stated. For the record, I wasn’t angry or attempting to be negative or patronizing about V-Day. I merely voiced a perspective millions of men are too nonverbal or fearful to reveal. The truth is not always something easy or pleasant to hear. Lies are easy to dress up and candy coat and often the easy way out. Yes, many of the female respondents reacted emotionally, perhaps imagining themselves in a similar situation, and were ready to hang this poor guy. Like Ashes wrote, they felt “so angry, ugly, and accusatory.” Some responses were callous and demonstrated little tolerance for an opinion different than theirs. I thought an opinion from a man’s perspective would be enlightening although not necessarily welcome or popular. I felt sorry for the guy as I understood his feelings. We all have been pressured to do something we really hate by someone we love. Nothing worse than being trapped with no graceful way out. The terrible truth is many guys don’t care much about the sentimental aspects of holidays, anniversaries and birthdays. Many can’t fathom why such things are important to women but put up with it for her sake. We set an alert in iCal and a friggen alarm goes off on the iPhone so we don’t forget… Whatever, sounds like the OP worked things out and all is well. [Previous page](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/avoiding-a-v-day-massacre-mad-at-boyfriend-what-do-i-wear-tonight/26082.md?page=1)