# Daedelus' journal **URL:** \ **Category:** Men's Journals\ **Created:** [May 31, 2008, 2:16am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/daedelus-journal/13297 "2008-05-31T02:16:55Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 9
**Author:** ![PhatSounds](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/phatsounds/32/233_2.png) [@PhatSounds](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/PhatSounds)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2008, 7:34pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/daedelus-journal/13297/161 "2008-08-14T19:34:43Z")
Hello buddy, good report on your [Instant Shine](https://a314.com/product/shine/) & biofeedback 🙂 It was interesting as well 🙂 I will look forward to hearing more about your pheros reports 🙂 Reps for your report 🙂 And btw sorry to hear what happened between you & your dad there, well misunderstandings will happen, i too have a bad arguement with my dad sometimes over somethings we can’t agreed about ☹ It seem my views & his views don’t go along so it is hard there ☹ So i understand how you feel there. Hang in there buddy & i wish you all the best 🙂 if you decided to move out. P.S. I think you should wear pheros to get along with your dad as you have noticed the change there on my opinion 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Phya](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/94ad74/32.png) [@Phya](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Phya)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2008, 8:31pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/daedelus-journal/13297/162 "2008-08-14T20:31:27Z")
You know, I don’t get along with my mom very well. At this point, there’s so much baggage, it’s difficult to even maintain the relationship in its current form. But I won’t settle for the weak relationship I have with my mom. Pheromones definitely help in the process. When I wear them, my interaction is much smoother and enjoyable. However, I do think that I cannot rely on pheromones to improve my relationship with my mom. I need to take actions towards that goal, as ultimately, real actions are the building blocks of relationships, not simple perception. I’ll keep using pheromones in her presence because I would have been anyways, good relationship or not. What I won’t do, is rely on them to keep the bond strong. In any case, ironically, maybe pheromones will be the bond. I introduced her to them and she seems to like them so far. Actually that reminds me, I should call her and ask how she’s doing. Also, if I may ask, how old are you? I thought you were older, but I guess you’re still in school too? Definitely though, about moving out, I am not financially independant yet, but I am lucky enough to still be able to move out on my own, being at school. Separating yourself from your parents, IME, is a necessary step. It’s a little akin to finding yourself away from your girlfriend of 3 years, only…well it’s your entire life we’re talking about. Ever watch Arrested Development? ---
**Author:** ![Daedelus76](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/eb8c5e/32.png) [@Daedelus76](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Daedelus76)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2008, 2:36am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/daedelus-journal/13297/163 "2008-08-15T02:36:47Z")
> [@Phya](#): > > I need to take actions towards that goal, as ultimately, real actions are the building blocks of relationships, not simple perception. Is there a difference between reality and perception in the usual sense of the term? The only difference is in your head, it’s a difference that doesn’t have any meaning outside of language. > [@](#): > > Also, if I may ask, how old are you? I thought you were older, but I guess you’re still in school too? I’m 32. > [@](#): > > It’s a little akin to finding yourself away from your girlfriend of 3 years, only…well it’s your entire life we’re talking about. Ever watch Arrested Development? No, I have not seen that movie. I am not sure what your point is. ---
**Author:** ![bosshank](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/91b2a8/32.png) [@bosshank](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/bosshank)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2008, 3:35am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/daedelus-journal/13297/164 "2008-08-15T03:35:30Z")
Daedelus: I understand what you are saying. You have to earn money but the pursuit of money or acquiring ever more of it cannot be the center of life. That is a basic precept of almost any religion - outside that of materialism. I will tell you what I kinda decided on based on my spiritual/religious background: I want pretty much whatever I am doing to count, to mean something. At a certain point you are going to look back at your life: work, everything and say what did I do with it. It will be depressing if the answer is not one you are happy with or can live with when you look in the mirror. I want to enjoy my work. Part of that enjoyment is the satisfaction of doing something I think matters. Part of what matters is that it is meaningful in other peoples’ lives. Part of “enjoy” is just plain enjoyment - I have fun at the job. I do not care if I make a lot of money - and I have not - but I do need to support my family in a meaningful way - and I have. It is not money but the love of money … So I do not love or hate money, I just need to make sure I have enough to do what I need to do. I guess a good rule is to remember that if it is not a tool it is an idol. We had a similar discussion in another thread - how we use pheromones. I use the pheromones to achieve certain goals. They are a tool towards those purposes. I use money to support my family and achieve certain other goals. Having more is not a goal in and of itself. I do not care if I am seen by those around me as “high and mighty”. I think a lot of people base self-esteem or their ego on - the superficial or shallow - and to them it may seem like you have no self-esteem if your values are elsewhere. Or likewise we had a big discussion - I think in Renny’s “Congruence” thread about what is alpha and what is not. I think some guys tie self-esteem into the shallow shows of “alpha” and instead are just jerks. But if you do not buy into the “I am jerk, therefore I am alpha” arguement, then they think you are not alpha or have no self-esteem. ---
**Author:** ![Daedelus76](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/eb8c5e/32.png) [@Daedelus76](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Daedelus76)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2008, 5:45am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/daedelus-journal/13297/165 "2008-08-15T05:45:35Z")
> [@bosshank](#): > > I want pretty much whatever I am doing to count, to mean something. At a certain point you are going to look back at your life: work, everything and say what did I do with it. It will be depressing if the answer is not one you are happy with or can live with when you look in the mirror. Yes, this is true. Balacing the quest towards a goal- or even discovering a goal, while being rooted in something that infuses your life with purpose, is not always easy. Many people create goals without purpose, and that’s where they have no real intent (which is derived from insight and cultivation of helpful attributes and attitudes), they don’t know what they are making. Such a situation is akin to sleepwalking. Things happen, and they are out of our control, we can become unhappy with the results. BTW, thank you for sharing your perspective on this. I think you have some very thoughtful points in your posts. > [@](#): > > But if you do not buy into the “I am jerk, therefore I am alpha” arguement, then they think you are not alpha or have no self-esteem. Exactly, ultimately the term “alpha-male” has no substance, in the sense it has no independent existence- we have the idea of an “alpha male”, but no such creature really exists apart from the idea itself. The same is true with pheromones- they only have meaning in how people interpret them. Androsterone, for instance, does not have the meaning of “high status”, rather it simply is part of a chain of causality that elicits certain responses. We notice a particular pattern, and we give it a name. The name is not the pattern, and the pattern is not the substance. ---
**Author:** ![Daedelus76](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/eb8c5e/32.png) [@Daedelus76](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Daedelus76)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2008, 7:26am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/daedelus-journal/13297/166 "2008-08-15T07:26:06Z")
Perhaps I should give some insight into my “arguement” with my dad… It started off by me looking up some things on the internet, locations of Buddhist viharas (church) or centers to visit. Where I live, they don’t grow on trees. There are a couple, but it’s matter of gas money and so forth. My dad asked me what I was doing, since we were going out to eat. I said, it was not that important. He got a bit ired and wanted to know exactly what I was doing, so I told him exactly what I was doing. I pointed out that some of them are far away. He said “well, it’s no wonder there aren’t so many… most people aren’t interested in that sort of stuff”. I just said “perhaps that’s true, but most people aren’t interested in a great number of things.” Then he says “It’s wierd”… and I say “How so?”. Then it all got started, and I just listened to him for a while, resisting the urge to argue. At some point, later in the car trip, my dad asked me if I had gone on a motorcycle ride lately, and I just told him honestly, " Yes, but it was a few days ago. I’ve thought about it and I’m not sure what I think of motorcycling and scooters. On the one hand, I save money on gas and serves environmentally conscious ends by doing it, and it’s enjoyable, but on the other hand, it can be dangerous. I’m not “attached” to it anymore." Immediately he jumps in and says “What’s that suppossed to mean?”. He looks at me like I’m a madman, sort of, like I’ve lost my mind. “I mean I don’t need it in my life to be happy, it does not have to define me. Maybe it’s fun, it definitely can save money on gas, maybe I won’t quit riding, but I don’t need to do it every day, and it is something to think about. Honestly, I would rather live in a place I could walk everywhere and not have to drive at all, sometimes. If I got hurt, that could make other people unhappy, too, so that’s something to think about”. He gets really irritated at that comment, and accuses me of jumping off the deep end and being an extremist, being able to read me like a book. Then he says “how the hell do you know anything? How do you know how to meditate? You just read crap in books”. It was all stuff designed to hurt my feelings. I tried to explain further, but he went on a tirade and I just gave up rather than argue or feed his behavior, trying to compete with somebody trying to drown you out. It did hurt, though. As a teenager I was a fundamentalist Christian for a while (I was under the influence of a rather conservative/dogmatic sunday school teacher on a military base), and I admit, the practice was not a positive influence in my life or my relationship with my family. I dropped away from that right around the time I hit college, but my dad continues to see me as “jumping from one extreme to the other”. I have eclectic interests, he sees that as frivolous and unfocused. I see it as nothing in particular, you could even see that as good, since I can look at many different disciplines or subjects and bring ideas together, but he sees it only as a negative. A very unfortunate conversation. And the worst bit was he thinks he can read my mind and know how I think, to “read me like a book”, this denies the possibility of change or anything like that as well. To be judged by your own father is a rather harsh thing to have happen. I had a similar conversation a week earlier, listening to my MP3 player and my dad wanted to know what I was listening to. I told him I was listening to a bunch of binaural beats with some music on top of them and interested in meditation (truth is, I’d been meditating every day for over two months, but he was unaware of that- I spend alot of my time in my bedroom and can do whatever and they don’t notice), and I was wearing [Instant Gentleman](https://a314.com/product/gentleman/) at the time, and he said I seemed fairly mellow (he even asked if I was smoking dope, LOL 🙂 ), and he took what I said seriously. This last weekend, OTOH, he treated me like a child being lectured to. The only real difference was the lack of pheromones, and a desire to seriously explore other religions (in this case, perhaps to formally “seek refuge” in the Three Jewels, who knows…). I have some fairly open-minded Buddhist friends (aren’t most Buddhists open-minded anyways?) on line on message boards that give me some advice, and I just tell them I can’t call myself a Buddhist, I’m not sure I want to, but I have been helped alot by Buddhist practices. They are cool with that, since as the Buddha says, “My teachings are a finger pointing to the moon, if you focus on the finger, you will miss the moon”. Buddhism is also experiential, nobody can tell you anything about reality, you have to experience it for yourself, other people can only help you. ---
**Author:** ![Daedelus76](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/eb8c5e/32.png) [@Daedelus76](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Daedelus76)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2008, 3:41pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/daedelus-journal/13297/167 "2008-08-15T15:41:01Z")
My dad got in yesterday after I went to bed, so this morning we went out to breakfast and I wore Scent of Eros and androsterone. We did not argue, in fact he was excited to tell me a wierd thing that happenod on the airplane. He sat next to this NY Puerto-Rican businessman, and this guy liked to talk, and he was talking about Schrodinger’s Cat, Quantuum Mysticism, and Eastern religions. Very wierd coincidence because I was reading about Quantuum Mysticism yesterday (it has some interesting ideas but ultimately, it’s trying to perhaps put science over a transrational idea). So today he asked me if I had heard of Schrodinger’s Cat, and I tried to explain it to him. Basicly it involves apparrently dual states when a quantuum system phenomenon is not being observed, something can exist in two states at once if the states are dependent on a quantuum system- until it is observed, then it becomes one thing or the other. That’s my understanding, anyways. Quantuum Mysticism says that individuals, when acting as an observer, determine the final outcome of such states, and in effect create reality moment by moment, based on past conditioning and expectations. This is called the Consciousness Collapse hypothesis- we choose a dualistic/pluralistic manifestation of a nondual reality. In some ways it is similar to Buddhism or Hinduism, mixed with some understanding of quantuum mechanics. Again, perhaps it is trying to apply a rational, conceptual idea to a transrational idea that is incapable of being conceptualized, only experienced. Science, even backed by “logic” has been wrong before, of course. 🙂 An interesting film on this subject is the indie film “What the Bleep Do We Know?”. Some of it, though, such as the Emoto water experiments, is scientificly questionable (only 2 peer-reviewed studies, and one of them was inconclusive), but it does contain a variety of viewpoints. Some of the other observations, such as the Maharishi Effect, the observation that a large number of people meditating or praying on a common intent can have effects on a city’s crime rate, have possible explanations that are more mundane than invisible energy fields or quantuum mechanics, but the outcomes are apparrently more conclusive, although it too has not been studied enough. The Emoto experiment was an attempt to see if a person’s intent could be imprinted upon water semi-permanently, and then frozen and observe the crystals that formed. Some of the water samples had positive comments (“thank you”, “you are beautiful”) or were blessed by Buddhist monks, others had negative comments, such as “Adolf Hitler”, “just die”, or “you idiot”. Mr. Emoto, an amateur scientist, claimed that the water that recieved “positive” intent formed beautiful crystals, the neutral water looked rather mundane, and the water that was “cursed” rarely formed crystals. It sounds a bit wacky, honestly. But, this was in Japan, after all (land of really wierd game shows, blood type personalities, and Domo-Kun ), so I guess anything is possible, it’s Japan… 🙂 Oh, want to hear something even wackier (but much more “scientific”), some physicists apparrently are a bit concerned that scientists’ attempts to observe dark matter will shorten the universe’s lifespan, an extension of a Schrodinger’s-Cat-like scenario: [Mankind ‘shortening the universe’s life’ - Telegraph](http://www.telegraph.co.uk/earth/main.jhtml?xml=/earth/2007/11/21/scicosmos121.xml&CMP=ILC-mostviewedbox) Very bizarre, but also humorous, and could well be true for all I know… ---
**Author:** ![Phya](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/94ad74/32.png) [@Phya](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Phya)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2008, 4:52pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/daedelus-journal/13297/168 "2008-08-15T16:52:10Z")
> [@Daedelus76](#): > > Is there a difference between reality and perception in the usual sense of the term? The only difference is in your head, it’s a difference that doesn’t have any meaning outside of language. Yes there is. In the usual sense of the term, which from my experienne, is implied to be objective reality and perception. If my mom sees me as a more responsble peson, for example, that in itself doesnt make me a more responsible person. It is my actual actions that determine the ‘reality’ of who I am. If youwant to talk about sbjective realities, then yes, your perception IS your reality. However, it is made clear to us from a very early age that perception IS not reality, though perception can influence ‘reality’. Arrested Development is a comedy TV show that aired a while ago. It’s about a completely disfunctional family, very, very funny show. Anyways, there’s a character on there called Buster, he’s a grown man, but still gets babyed by his controlling mom. Anyways, most of his antics have that background. There’s no point, I was just wondering if you’d seen that show. If it were me, I’d probably have moved out long before 32. I can sympathize with your feelings on money and its role in our lives and have pulled out hair myself, thinking about it. In the end, my views on money are pretty much that of Bosshank’s. I need it, to a degree, I want itl, but it’s not my life. As far as I see it, that’s all I need to think about money. As for ‘acting’ alpha, personally, I’m really over that term. I feell that it is a limited concept. Call me ‘high and mighty’ 😃 But I feel we have transcended the idea of the traditional ‘alpha’ male. Whatever my specific thoughts atm, I don’t care 😃. Call me alpha, call me beta, I’m still the same guy, I’m still getting girls, and I still don’t care what you think. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Daedelus76](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/eb8c5e/32.png) [@Daedelus76](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Daedelus76)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2008, 5:21pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/daedelus-journal/13297/169 "2008-08-15T17:21:01Z")
> [@Phya](#): > > Anyways, there’s a character on there called Buster, he’s a grown man, but still gets babyed by his controlling mom. Anyways, most of his antics have that background. There’s no point, I was just wondering if you’d seen that show. Nope. Honestly, I watch less and less TV as time goes on- I maybe watch a few hours a week at most, usually just movies, and recently I’ve been avoiding alot of news. However, my mom isn’t really controlling. Babying? Not really. My dad, OTOH, sees me only on weekends when he’s home, and often he is busy working, so that may be the issue. Commercial-based television is all about feeding you stories that sell products and help fund the material-consumer complex beast, your mind can become a garbage dump for every vaccuous notion out there. That’s my opinion. It’s a largely negative influence in my life, so I tune in less. It really is less boring to stare at a wall and chant mantras, trust me 🙂 I guess I cannot really justify my rationale for being a 32 year old stuck at home, but imagine what it would be like to be teased for years because of something that was out of your control, to be put in special classes in school, and to be defined by others all the time by your “limitations”, to have a dad that on top of it was only a few hairs away from being the Great Santini, and to top it all off, have difficulty getting a driver’s license until you are in your late 20’s. ---
**Author:** ![Phya](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/94ad74/32.png) [@Phya](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Phya)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2008, 11:34pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/daedelus-journal/13297/170 "2008-08-15T23:34:05Z")
> [@Daedelus76](#): > > Nope. Honestly, I watch less and less TV as time goes on- I maybe watch a few hours a week at most, usually just movies, and recently I’ve been avoiding alot of news. However, my mom isn’t really controlling. Babying? Not really. My dad, OTOH, sees me only on weekends when he’s home, and often he is busy working, so that may be the issue. > > Commercial-based television is all about feeding you stories that sell products and help fund the material-consumer complex beast, your mind can become a garbage dump for every vaccuous notion out there. That’s my opinion. It’s a largely negative influence in my life, so I tune in less. It really is less boring to stare at a wall and chant mantras, trust me 🙂 Well, I’m not drawing parallels to your family, no family is as dysfunctional as the one in Arrested Development. You need to watch it to understand, don’t worry about it. And I feel you on the TV, I watch shows when I eat, and other than that, I’m doing something else. But that’s not the focus of my comment, I was just bringing it up because it was a funny show. Part of the reason I don’t like to watch TV is because my mom has wasted away more than a couple nights falling asleep on the couch, watching TV from dinner to night…it’s depressing just thinking about it, honestly. > [@Daedelus76](#): > > I guess I cannot really justify my rationale for being a 32 year old stuck at home, but imagine what it would be like to be teased for years because of something that was out of your control, to be put in special classes in school, and to be defined by others all the time by your “limitations”, to have a dad that on top of it was only a few hairs away from being the Great Santini, and to top it all off, have difficulty getting a driver’s license until you are in your late 20’s. Uh…what? I’m Asian, and in America, we don’t really get the most respect as guys. We’ve got little dicks, no balls, can’t see, but we’re good at math. My ethnicity is totally out of my control, and while I wasn’t being put in special classes at school, social ostracism is not a new concept for me. I was being defined by my so called ‘limitations’, though probably not in the way you were. I’m not saying I know what you’ve gone through, but I am saying that shit happens to everyone. I decided, fuck that, I’m doing shit different. Yea, I’m good at math, but guess what? I’m also good at hoops, soccer, and then some, I don’t give a fuck if you think I’ve got no balls, I’ll show you just how big they are. And with contacts, I can see fine. 😃 You know as well as I do, that in the end, the only person who truly defines you, is YOU. I’m not making judgements on you, if you are throughly enjoying your life, then by all means, stay at home. I was just stating, that I wouldn’t have been able to stay at home. I had a bad relationship with my mom, and it was more stressful being at home than anything else. My dad left the country, so being just us two, it’s either I deal with it or leave. So I dealt with it until I could leave. Now things are better. How you live your life is up to you, so do what you think is right. If you’re having a hard time at home, maybe you should try moving out (or kicking your parents out, if that’s an option 😃). If that doesn’t work, or you want that as a last resort, then you can try something else, but right now I’m late for a lesson, so I gotta go. ---
**Author:** ![Daedelus76](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/eb8c5e/32.png) [@Daedelus76](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Daedelus76)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2008, 2:07am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/daedelus-journal/13297/171 "2008-08-16T02:07:01Z")
> [@Phya](#): > > Well, I’m not drawing parallels to your family, no family is as dysfunctional as the one in Arrested Development. You need to watch it to understand, don’t worry about it. I will try looking it up some time just so I know what you are talking about. There are a bunch of stereotypes of adults who live at home out there in the media, and I don’t think any of them are all that true. I think if you really want the truth of those kinds of experiences, you should get it from people who understand the experience from being there. My favorite TV shows are The Simpsons, and sometimes I watch CSI with the rest of my family. I also used to be a big Star Trek fan at one time, so I will watch Star Trek reruns sometimes. > [@](#): > > I was being defined by my so called ‘limitations’, though probably not in the way you were. I’m not saying I know what you’ve gone through, Yes, not in the same way, I had more percieved limitations on my physicality and “autonomy”. I think the issue for you, was more social. In my case, the feeling was that nobody cared about me, nobody intervened to try and give me a plan to deal with an unusual life circumstance (unfortunately, my parents seemed either busy at their careers, or my mom was probably “not wanting to think about it”), when the usual “plan” would not work for me. Nobody cared, that was the feeling. No wonder I was depressed alot. I was facing alot of things feeling thoroughly alone. Update: recently, I’ve been editing my posts alot moreso. There is a reason for this. Sometimes I find myself being quite expansive in perception, no doubt a result of the meditation practices I perform (note, not all meditations involve focusing on the space between thoughts, or meditating on koans, some are quite intensive and produce profound feelings of intent, sort of like a prayer or vizualization. In fact, some people believe they actually have a certain “energy” to them, like magic, others say the effect is indirect, but the ultimate goal is the transformation of reality through transformation of the heart/mind (they are the same word in Sanskrit, Chinese, or Japanese). Different religions call this different things, in Buddhism it is bodhichitta, an awakened heart, and Sufism and many other religions speak of the same thing. Not expansive thinking in a negative way, grandiose and deluded, but a blurring of boundaries of all sorts. Sometimes, this may make it hard to percieve relativistic social folkways, and coupled with my admittedly own lack of skill in the area, I am not always sure what people are comfortable hearing. In our society there is a profound cynicism towards religion, spirituality, and mysticism, heck, a profound cynicism towards everything in general, and IMO this is part of the problem, we lack faith in everything good, but absolute certainty in evil. But I want to avoid shocking or disturbing others as much as possible. I have also been posting less on the main forums. I do not want to seem preachy and detract from the lighthearted atmosphere of the forums. Admittedly, my interests are perhaps at this point, on one level, seemingly quite bizarre and the stuff I use pheromones for now days is rather unexceptional. Interestingly enough, my pulse yesterday dropped 10 points and has stayed dropped until today. I will keep tracking it with the biofeedback monitor and go in and maybe have my cardiovascular system checked out, as it seems very unusual. When I woke up today, I had the feeling that I had no heartbeat, coupled with a very light sensation in my chest, and when I felt my pulse, it felt different, soft and somewhat slower. My biofeedback machine says that my pulse is down from 90-92 to 78-80, and heartrate variability is normal healthy at a resting state of 100 - 137. The pulse looks relatively normal, comparing it to a few other peoples, but I’m no doctor. I have a minor, repaired congenital heart defect (ventricular septal defect) and I should probably have a checkup anyways some time- it’s been a decade since anybody looked at my heart. I still should keep an eye on my physical health, though, especially as I am a “out of shape”, and only exercise occasionally. ---
**Author:** ![Phya](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/94ad74/32.png) [@Phya](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Phya)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2008, 5:38pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/daedelus-journal/13297/172 "2008-08-16T17:38:25Z")
> [@Daedelus76](#): > > I will try looking it up some time just so I know what you are talking about. There are a bunch of stereotypes of adults who live at home out there in the media, and I don’t think any of them are all that true. I think if you really want the truth of those kinds of experiences, you should get it from people who understand the experience from being there. > > My favorite TV shows are The Simpsons, and sometimes I watch CSI with the rest of my family. I also used to be a big Star Trek fan at one time, so I will watch Star Trek reruns sometimes. Lol, watch it. It’s probably not even close to what you’re imagining. You know how the Simpsons aren’t even comparable to any other human family? Arrested Development is like that, there are no stereotypes, the characters are THAT strange. Buster went to Iraq, got his hand blown off somehow (and manages to get that fake hand chopped off, etc..in a lot of episodes), and in the process, is deathly afraid of seals. 😛 His brother is having a hell of a hard time raising his son by himself, but can’t seem to get it straight..what’s the most important thing? Breakfast or family? His older brother is a good magician that never seems to get anywhere. One of my favorite lines is whenever his family tells him to stop with the magic tricks, he gets angry and says “A TRICK is something a whore does for money! This is an ILLUSION!! An ILLUSION!!!” 😃 Lol. It’s completely out of the ordinary. It’s not like Family Guy crazy/stupid, or like Simpsons sillyness, it’s just it’s own thing. > [@Daedelus76](#): > > Yes, not in the same way, I had more percieve d limitations on my physicality and “autonomy”. I think the issue for you, was more social. In my case, the feeling was that nobody cared about me, nobody intervened to try and give me a plan to deal with an unusual life circumstance (unfortunately, my parents seemed either busy at their careers, or my mom was probably “not wanting to think about it”), when the usual “plan” would not work for me. Nobody cared, that was the feeling. No wonder I was depressed alot. I was facing alot of things feeling thoroughly alone. You’d be surprised how many people, even those with family support, feel like they’re doing things alone.. I had financial support from my parents, but my dad was never around, and my mom was making life difficult. So, as far as life experience goes, a lot of it comes from me wandering around, looking for answers. Sometimes I found it amongst my peers, other times I found my answer in my readings. I used to not wear ties on game days (shirt and ties) because: A) I didn’t own any, and no ties from my dad. B)I had no idea how to tie one, and I wasn’t going to ask my dad. Later, I just got over the fact, bought one of my own, and taught myself (not like it’s terribly difficult). It wasn’t the hardest thing to do in the world, but I certainly did face a lot of feelings, situations, all on my own as well. It’s a big factor in why my attitude is the way it is. Yes, the effect, you could argue was ‘social’, but it was based on physical ‘limitations’. Yea, my eyes are slanted, you think I can’t notice in the mirror? Is it really necessary to laugh about it, then when I call them out on it, they just laugh again, tell me that they aren’t laughing about that, or making fun of me, and when I leave, they do it all over again. It didn’t matter how well I did in sports, in the end, I wasn’t a ‘man’ because of my supposedly small penis and stereotypical lack of masculinity/physical prowess. Did anyone try to intervene there? No. When my friend committed suicide, coupled twice daily fights with my mom, someone probably should have came over and told me, look, you need to take a break right now. You may not know it, but this IS effecting you. Instead, it all built up, and eventually, near the end of my junior year, I crashed and burned, and the school could give a shit. It didn’t matter that I didn’t have a stable home to go to, it didn’t matter that I was being estranged from my dad by my mom until just recently. Not to mention on top of it all, I was commuting 2 hours just to go to that goddammed school. Whatever. You forget about it, move on, grow up, whatever it is you do, you just gotta keep going. My life would be admittedly different if I had stayed in that school, as I’d probably be in a much nicer/better school than I am. That in turn would definitely play a role in my confidence, life outlook, and probably what I want to do with my life. But there is no sense in getting hung up about it. If you cannot be autonomous, then I guess you can’t. But if inside, you know that you can be, then fuck anyone that tells you otherwise, GO AND BE AUTONOMOUS! Inaction is as powerful as action is, and as I said before, I define who I am, not others. Same for you my friend. We have no other options, it is either to accept what is handed to us, or to attempt to create change. Your past is the past, there’s nothing you or I can do about it. You define your life. If your current situation is satisfying, then by all means, stick with it. If it isn’t then either do nothing and stay unhappy, or do something about it and be happy. The ball is in your court. Do with it as you please. ---
**Author:** ![Daedelus76](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/eb8c5e/32.png) [@Daedelus76](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Daedelus76)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2008, 5:50am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/daedelus-journal/13297/173 "2008-08-17T05:50:35Z")
> [@Phya](#): > > Lol, watch it. It’s probably not even close to what you’re imagining. You know how the Simpsons aren’t even comparable to any other human family? They aren’t? How do you know this? It seems to me, many people can see themselves, to various degrees, in the TV show. At various times, I could identify with Lisa, Homer, or even the Comic Book Guy. > [@](#): > > Arrested Development is like that, there are no stereotypes, the characters are THAT strange. We all need the same things to live (food, water, shelter, clothing, medicine), we all have the same fundamental wishes- to be happy and avoid being unhappy. The belief that others are strange is a source of a great amount of evil in the world, because when people are seen as strange or different, it doesn’t matter what you do to them. Genocide, wars, and racism are good examples of this in action. > [@](#): > > Buster went to Iraq, got his hand blown off somehow (and manages to get that fake hand chopped off, etc..in a lot of episodes), and in the process, is deathly afraid of seals. 😛 I’m not sure how this is funny, but I have not seen the show. If I met an Iraq veteran who lost a limb in a war and had a fear of seals, I would hope I would identify that he had the same needs and wishes as myself- how would I feel to be laughed at for things that happened to me? Many will think it doesn’t matter because they will escape the consequences, but what if it does in fact matter? What if the values you espouse and the actions you take have consequences not just for others, but for yourself as well: both immediate and long term effects. > [@](#): > > It’s a big factor in why my attitude is the way it is. Yes, the effect, you could argue was ‘social’, but it was based on physical ‘limitations’. Yea, my eyes are slanted, you think I can’t notice in the mirror? Were your eyes an obstacle to indpendence, though? Did they present an obstacle to getting a driver’s license? > [@](#): > > GO AND BE AUTONOMOUS! That sounds nice but I will leave you with this thought: We all depend on somebody, or something else in this world to live. ---
**Author:** ![Phya](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/94ad74/32.png) [@Phya](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Phya)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2008, 7:06am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/daedelus-journal/13297/174 "2008-08-17T07:06:37Z")
I wouldn’t discount the impact social restrictions can have. Like I said a long time ago, you decide for yourself how you’ll be the happiest. And I hope that you can attain that, doesn’t matter much to me what that is. As for the show, I would just watch it. If it’s not your thing, then no problem. ---
**Author:** ![Daedelus76](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/eb8c5e/32.png) [@Daedelus76](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Daedelus76)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2008, 5:05am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/daedelus-journal/13297/175 "2008-08-18T05:05:30Z")
> [@Phya](#): > > I wouldn’t discount the impact social restrictions can have. Out of curiosity, where did you live you felt there was alot of prejudice against Asians? Did you live near an Asian community at all, did you have any Asian friends? Also, you don’t have a journal, do you? I tried looking for it but could not find it. ---
**Author:** ![Daedelus76](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/eb8c5e/32.png) [@Daedelus76](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Daedelus76)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2008, 9:15am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/daedelus-journal/13297/176 "2008-08-18T09:15:09Z")
Oh crap. I’ve gone and done something very crazy. My experiments with the right brain entrainment, well, I listened to them for 45 minutes. I noticed nothing in particular, so I introduced some gamma bursts. I started getting some wierd feelings, I cannot describe them exactly, just a rushing sensation to my head, combined with a feeling of mania or my mind being split apart- I also started hearing wierd noises, whistling sounds and crackles. I’m having trouble thinking in a logical manner, my emotions seem to have been kicked into overdrive. I went looking for some sedatives, all I have is valerian root, and some booze. I took the valerian root along with gotu kola and a shot of booze (i normally don’t drink). I have calmed down a little bit but I have a serious insane feeling in my head still, but I’m a little calmer. I’m trying to listen just to some plain, relaxing music at a low volume, and just concenttrate on staying sane. If that doesn’t work, I’ll try light, random alpha-beta-theta entrainment. The feeling is like mood, thoughts, and sensations have become the same thing, they are driving me nuts. Also, extreme paranoia or agitation, I feel like a feral animal almost, when I walk and have to wait, I pace back and forth. Hopefully, it goes away. If not, I’m going to check myself into a hospital. ☹ I wish I had some thorazine or haldol on hand, but I don’t. I will keep you all informed. update, well, it’s almost a half hour later and I’m still alive. Some of the symptoms seem to be going away, I’m listening to some random entrainment, low intensity, trying to “deprogram” my brain a bit and stimulate the left hemisphere. I still have a bit of wierd headachy sensation, I went to go get something to snack on. 15 minutes later and I’m feeling better. I still am going to have to keep track of things for a while, and I’ll take more gotu kola and valerian later just to make sure I don’t get any “gamma flashbacks” for a while. Maybe I need a soak in a bathtub or a shower. It feels like my emotions are starting to recenter. My forehead feels a bit warm- I’ve noticed this before from beta and gamma wave entrainment, it seems to draw blood to the head, it also can make you tired later. I’ll give some more of my thoughts later. ---
**Author:** ![PhatSounds](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/phatsounds/32/233_2.png) [@PhatSounds](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/PhatSounds)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2008, 3:22pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/daedelus-journal/13297/177 "2008-08-18T15:22:09Z")
Hey buddy i see that you are looking for Phya Journal well here is a link to his journal\> [If it helps you too, great…](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/if-it-helps-you-too-great/9451) Hope that help you out buddy 🙂 Btw just to let you know Phya is a good buddy of mine 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Phya](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/94ad74/32.png) [@Phya](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Phya)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2008, 6:58pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/daedelus-journal/13297/178 "2008-08-18T18:58:19Z")
> [@Daedelus76](#): > > Out of curiosity, where did you live you felt there was alot of prejudice against Asians? Did you live near an Asian community at all, did you have any Asian friends? > > Also, you don’t have a journal, do you? I tried looking for it but could not find it. PS was nice enough to link my journal for me. I hadn’t updated it in a while, my dad’s been in town. You’d probably be surprised I feel this way, being that I grew up in San Francisco and Berkeley (and damn proud of it 😃). I didn’t feel a lot of prejudice, per se, but it was there. The school I went to was a French-American school and if you throw a kid whose first language isn’t English or French into an environment like that, you’re gonna have a weird time adjusting. There were huge cultural differences that were never explained to me, and was a large source of confusion that I sort of just had to figure out on my own. I didn’t have friends till I spoke better English and started to figure out the differences in culture, especially the French culture. I did not live in an Asian community. I lived in the hills, mostly older couples and quiet families. I didn’t see many Asians, though, there are many in the general Bay Area. I just wasn’t near them. My family isn’t religious, so we didn’t go to church, which is a huge part of Korean culture, it’s practically the glue that keeps the community together. Since we didn’t participate in that community, we pretty much were on the fringes of the Korean community (either way, that’s the way my parents preferred it) I had one half-Asian friend (it was just us two and a girl 😛) till the end of middle school, but he’s hella whitewashed, so you could say he’s white. My first high school was mostly Jewish, with a fair number of Asians, but no solid Asian community. It wasn’t until I transferred to BHS that I fell into a group of..asian Asians. Now, at UC Riverside, I’m probably among the most Asians I have been in America (I’ve been to Asia..and that’s a whole different story), and at first it was really weird. It’s the first time the majority of the friends I see everyday are Asian. There was no direct prejudice or discrimination, in that I wasn’t legally barred from doing something. But at the younger ages, I was certainly teased, or given hard times, and during my adolescent years, my masculinity was just constantly being challenged, something that got really boring and tiring after a while. ---
**Author:** ![Daedelus76](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/eb8c5e/32.png) [@Daedelus76](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Daedelus76)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2008, 5:31am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/daedelus-journal/13297/179 "2008-08-19T05:31:44Z")
> [@Phya](#): > > You’d probably be surprised I feel this way, being that I grew up in San Francisco and Berkeley (and damn proud of it 😃). OK, the issue for you was a language barrier? I would never know that of course because this is a text forum. Also, you seem to be saying you felt estranged from your own culture, and the wider society as well? Perhaps you could look at this another way, because of your experiences, your viewpoint does not have to be limited to either the Asian culture or the wider society? Perhaps you could even seen some benefits in such a viewpoint? > [@](#): > > . My family isn’t religious, so we didn’t go to church, which is a huge part of Korean culture I have a cousin who is Korean, he was adopted and raised Catholic. He seems to be happy, at the moment. > [@](#): > > and during my adolescent years, my masculinity was just constantly being challenged, something that got really boring and tiring after a while. I think unease is common for teenagers now days, and has been for some time. Physically a person starts becomming an adult, but legally and emotionally, the person isn’t always ready. And of course, there are many negative influences out there that want to prey on insecurity. Now that I know where you journal is, I will look it up and see what you are doing. ---
**Author:** ![Daedelus76](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/eb8c5e/32.png) [@Daedelus76](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Daedelus76)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2008, 10:18am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/daedelus-journal/13297/180 "2008-08-19T10:18:40Z")
I just thought I would throw this out here. After having tried biofeedback and brainwave entrainment, I think biofeedback is better. Brainwave entrainment has some plusses, and some minuses that are unique to it. On the plus side, it can induce mental states fairly quickly, with little effort. On the minus side, it can induce mental states fairly quickly, with little effort. A few days ago I got an “overload” of gamma bursts overlaid on beta waves on the right hemisphere of the brain, and it induced some very bizarre sensations. Thoughts, feelings, sensations tended to become blurry- I felt like I had too much energy, mania. And the scary thing was, it wasn’t all that much stimualtion, really, only about 20 minutes. I am recovering now but it was a highly unpleasant, fatiguing experience. I’m taking gotu kola (a mild sedative/anticonvulsant) and anti-oxidants just to be safe, and getting plenty of sugar and electrolytes, and may consider going to a doctor if symptoms don’t completely clear (I feel slightly foggy, fatigued). Somebody who had less sense of self-control might have brought harm to themselves, that’s how scary the experience was. Biofeedback, OTOH, doesn’t cause any of this, it doesn’t force anything. Also, brainwave entrainment will reduce your flexibility to biofeedback- low frequencies tend to cause low energy/skin conductance, and vice versa. Beta and gamma waves seem to be particularly problematic. Most of us have enough of these as part of our regular part of life, and could do better with lower brainwave entrainment. Also, rapid rises and falls in frequency are bad, since it can lead to the brain entraining to some kind of “seizure like” behavior, where thoughts and feeling shift very rapidly between highs and lows. “Disentraining” the brain and time seem like the only real treatments. Brainwave entrainment really is not comparable to traditional meditation, nor is it really a shortcut without risk. I suppose brainwave entrainment might have it’s uses, but I feel it should be investigated further, and possiblely regulated as a drug or medical device. At the very least, it is something to use with moderation, at low intensities (binaural beats themselves tend to have lower intensities, too, lower than isochronic or monaural beats). In what most people consider traditional meditation, the goal is not to achieve a particular state, but to experience reality as it is, and to have an equanimity, acceptance, or openness to it that cannot be moved (of course, there are many more meditations than just that, but that’s what most people are thinking of). Brainwave entrainment will not necessarily teach you that. [Previous page](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/daedelus-journal/13297.md?page=8) [Next page](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/daedelus-journal/13297.md?page=10)