# Guys, why do the guys I date always want me to come to them and never plan a date? **URL:** \ **Category:** Men's Pheromone Advice & Field Reports\ **Created:** [December 13, 2007, 6:49pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/guys-why-do-the-guys-i-date-always-want-me-to-come-to-them-and-never-plan-a-date/7378 "2007-12-13T18:49:17Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![bubblyblonde](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/bubblyblonde/32/491_2.png) [@bubblyblonde](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/bubblyblonde)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2007, 6:49pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/guys-why-do-the-guys-i-date-always-want-me-to-come-to-them-and-never-plan-a-date/7378/1 "2007-12-13T18:49:17Z")
Ok, need some dating advice from the guys and any ladies feel free to jump in too :o I’m 32, been single for about a year now and don’t have a problem meeting guys. The problem is, they never want to come to me, they always want me to come hang out at their place and never come up with a specific plan for a date. Most of the time, they want to cook dinner for me and watch a movie at home. Don’t get me wrong this is great, but a girl also likes to go out, even if it’s just for a cup of coffee. Another thing, 2 of the guys live over an hour from me and want me to come and see them, not drive to see me. Once I’m there, though, they always pay for everything. One of them I’ve been casually dating for 6 months, the other we’ve only hung out a few times. Anyway, one called last night and just moved into a new place(he has roommates, but they’re cool) and wants me to come over Friday night and hang out with him and his buddies. It’s 2 hours to drive one way and this is only the 4th time we’ve seen each other and last time I went over there, too. I really like him and hanging out with him, but don’t know if I should go running over there. I’m afraid that seems desperate or something. So, my question, should I insist if guys want to see and date me they need to come to me, or should I just keep going with the flow like I have been? Is this a normal thing or am I just not being demanding enough and making it too easy for them to date me? 😕 I thought I was being cool and laid back, but now I don’t know. ---
**Author:** ![mark-in-dallas](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/mark-in-dallas/32/860_2.png) [@mark-in-dallas](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/mark-in-dallas)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2007, 9:18pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/guys-why-do-the-guys-i-date-always-want-me-to-come-to-them-and-never-plan-a-date/7378/2 "2007-12-13T21:18:57Z")
Hey Bubbly, I live in Dallas wanna come hang out? 🙂 It’s only about a 30 hours drive, give or take a few hours. But seriously, here’s my takes, and I have several: 1. They are having you drive to see them hoping that by the end of the night you’re not going to want to drive home, so you end up spending the night at their place. It’s a more likely strategy for the night ending in sex for them, than in them coming to pick you up, wining and dining you, then hoping that you invite them to stay, or them having to ask you to spend the night with them. 2. If they are planning on drinking, or do drink alcohol when you see them, they may not like the idea of a long drive home. Or, if they come pick you up and take you to their neck of the woods, then they could be looking at a long round trip in haing to get you home. 3. They are not into you enough that they are willing to drive to you, but if your willing to come to them, they’ll spend time with you. Or, just figure that as long as your willing to drive, why should they. I am thinking my first take is probably the one that’s on target. Now, in answer your question: If I were in your shoes, I would tell them that if they want to see you that they need to show some initiative and come to you, at least some of the time. And, I’d tell them that if they aren’t willing to put forth at least as much effort as you, then maybe you don’t need to see each other anymore. I am pretty blunt and to the point though. I learned a long time ago that I’d rather be alone than with the wrong woman. I am no longer willing to forth a 100% effort without being met halfway, and if things aren’t going as I want them to, I’ll hit the highway pretty quick. I’m sure that some of the men and women may have a different take and offer other advice, which is part of what’s so great about this forum and the awesome members who are a part of it. Hopefully, you’ll get a wide range of advice and suggestions and between all of it, you’ll figure out what’s going to work best for you. Good luck! ---
**Author:** ![Smudge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/47e85d/32.png) [@Smudge](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Smudge)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2007, 9:36pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/guys-why-do-the-guys-i-date-always-want-me-to-come-to-them-and-never-plan-a-date/7378/3 "2007-12-13T21:36:46Z")
Forgive me for being blunt, but I think you have the right intuition on where exactly you stand. To me, the key word is ‘casual’. They are treating you either as buddies or a causal fling. There is another scenario, and it is them being lazy. Truthfully though, I think it is more likley to be one of the first two. Personally, I at least keep my end of bargain. But that’s just me. Obviously, no one can tell you what to do apart from yourself. Whichever way you go, you need to be comfortable with your decision and the decision itself often should be in keeping with your style (unless it’s a new resoultion). ---
**Author:** ![arney6273](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c5a1d2/32.png) [@arney6273](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/arney6273)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2007, 9:36pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/guys-why-do-the-guys-i-date-always-want-me-to-come-to-them-and-never-plan-a-date/7378/4 "2007-12-13T21:36:49Z")
mark that is some damn good advice, when i read her thread, i was thinking the same thing, she defintely needs to these guys "Hey look, if you wanna see me get ur a\*\*in the car and drive here. I tell you that if I am really intrested in a particular woman, well lets just say I aim to please, know whata mean 😃 reps to bro ---
**Author:** ![renny](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/renny/32/2104_2.png) [@renny](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/renny)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2007, 9:53pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/guys-why-do-the-guys-i-date-always-want-me-to-come-to-them-and-never-plan-a-date/7378/5 "2007-12-13T21:53:43Z")
I don’t think it’s anything nefarious at all. I think it’s just guys being guys. Many of us like things as easy as possible. Once we learned to cook and netflix started delivering dvds, the lazy guy’s date became possible. I would say you were being too light on 'em but I think it would violate some guy code or something. Tell 'em what you want, they’ll probably go along with it. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Bella](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/bella/32/1738_2.png) [@Bella](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Bella)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2007, 10:38pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/guys-why-do-the-guys-i-date-always-want-me-to-come-to-them-and-never-plan-a-date/7378/6 "2007-12-13T22:38:46Z")
Hi Bubblyblonde! If these guys are as interested in you as you are in them, they need to make the effort in your direction! But they can’t read your mind, so you gotta speak up. What’s fair is fair. That means, at least half the time, they need to come to you. Six months is way too long going in one direction. These guys would need to step it up a bit for me. And the not taking you out thing…come on… Here’s a thought, how about meeting half way for a date once in a while? That way neither one of you will have such a long drive. If they aren’t interested in doing that then you have your answer. Time to move on and find a closer connection. Just my nickle! Good luck Darlin’, let us know the outcome. Bella ---
**Author:** ![bubblyblonde](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/bubblyblonde/32/491_2.png) [@bubblyblonde](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/bubblyblonde)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2007, 12:05am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/guys-why-do-the-guys-i-date-always-want-me-to-come-to-them-and-never-plan-a-date/7378/7 "2007-12-14T00:05:42Z")
Thanks so much for all of your advice and answering my question! That’s just what I needed to know. I am definitely going to make the guys step it up and if not then it’s time to move on 😉 I don’t have a problem with taking turns doing the driving, I believe in 50/50 but so far it hasn’t been that way. You guys (bella too) have helped me sooo much with this!!! Thank you!!! Big hugs to everyone and rep points too!!!😃 ---
**Author:** ![dankbud](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/dankbud/32/1466_2.png) [@dankbud](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/dankbud)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2007, 12:55am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/guys-why-do-the-guys-i-date-always-want-me-to-come-to-them-and-never-plan-a-date/7378/8 "2007-12-14T00:55:58Z")
ignore him. he will stick to you like flies on paper. so to speak 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Felicity](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/aca169/32.png) [@Felicity](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Felicity)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2007, 1:38am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/guys-why-do-the-guys-i-date-always-want-me-to-come-to-them-and-never-plan-a-date/7378/9 "2007-12-14T01:38:44Z")
Yes, ignore him. Boyfriends are just like parents - some need a _lot_ of training. You are a very special, high status woman. A bit out of his league. He has to get off his lazy ass and _earn_ the right to hang out with you. By putting _effort_ into it. Either that or you can charge for your time/travel going over there. That also works. > [@](#): > > 1. They are having you drive to see them hoping that by the end of the night you’re not going to want to drive home, so you end up spending the night at their place. It’s a more likely strategy for the night ending in sex for them, than in them coming to pick you up, wining and dining you, then hoping that you invite them to stay.. _Another_ one from the Guy’s Secret Book Of Dirty Tricks?? \ Yes, there it is! After the page on ‘how to get your underpants to last twice as long by turning them inside out’.. 🙂 F. ---
**Author:** ![mark-in-dallas](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/mark-in-dallas/32/860_2.png) [@mark-in-dallas](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/mark-in-dallas)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2007, 1:45am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/guys-why-do-the-guys-i-date-always-want-me-to-come-to-them-and-never-plan-a-date/7378/10 "2007-12-14T01:45:36Z")
> [@Felicity](#): > > _Another_ one from the Guy’s Secret Book Of Dirty Tricks?? > > \ > > Yes, there it is! After the page on ‘how to get your underpants to last twice as long by turning them inside out’.. > > 🙂 > > F. Nope, part of the Secret Guy Code. Your manual’s obsolete. And, the underpants thing was for college kids out on their own or the first time. 🙂 😉 ---
**Author:** ![bubblyblonde](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/bubblyblonde/32/491_2.png) [@bubblyblonde](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/bubblyblonde)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2007, 1:49am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/guys-why-do-the-guys-i-date-always-want-me-to-come-to-them-and-never-plan-a-date/7378/11 "2007-12-14T01:49:35Z")
Wow, it seems like everybody is saying pretty much the same thing. So, do I wait for the guy to ask me out again and in my answer should I tell him he should come over and see me? Or should I just invite him to come and hang out with me? What’s a good way to do that without sounding or acting bitchy or too demanding? ---
**Author:** ![mark-in-dallas](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/mark-in-dallas/32/860_2.png) [@mark-in-dallas](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/mark-in-dallas)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2007, 2:07am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/guys-why-do-the-guys-i-date-always-want-me-to-come-to-them-and-never-plan-a-date/7378/12 "2007-12-14T02:07:00Z")
Either way would work. But, if you wait for him to ask you, isn’t he going to invite you to his place? Then you would have to overcome the invitiation and turn it back on him. I guess you could say something like, I’ve got a better idea, why don’t you come to my place and let me cook this time - or - I found this great place (anywhere) that I want to share with you, why don’t you come out here. Might just be easier to call him up and tell him to drag his butt out to your place for dinner, or whatever you want to plan. ---
**Author:** ![bubblyblonde](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/bubblyblonde/32/491_2.png) [@bubblyblonde](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/bubblyblonde)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2007, 3:03am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/guys-why-do-the-guys-i-date-always-want-me-to-come-to-them-and-never-plan-a-date/7378/13 "2007-12-14T03:03:18Z")
Thanks Mark! You seem to have all the right answers… I’ll be in Dallas in about 30 hours, where will we be meeting? 😉 Anyway, I’m going to be talking to the “new” guy tonight when I get off work so we can make plans for tomorrow. I’ll let you know what happens. 😃 Thanks Felicity & dankbud… had to rep you guys, too, for your input 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![mark-in-dallas](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/mark-in-dallas/32/860_2.png) [@mark-in-dallas](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/mark-in-dallas)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2007, 3:14am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/guys-why-do-the-guys-i-date-always-want-me-to-come-to-them-and-never-plan-a-date/7378/14 "2007-12-14T03:14:04Z")
> [@bubblyblonde](#): > > Thanks Mark! You seem to have all the right answers… I’ll be in Dallas in about 30 hours, where will we be meeting? 😉 Well darlin, in about 30 hours I expect to be sound asleep, as that’ll be around 3:00 AM my time, but you can wait at Denny’s or IHOP and I’ll swing by to meet you after waking up and having my morning coffee 😉 Oh wait, that was a joke. Ok, then ignore me having gone into jerk mode 🙂 Thanks for the compliment and good luck with your guy. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![bubblyblonde](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/bubblyblonde/32/491_2.png) [@bubblyblonde](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/bubblyblonde)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2007, 3:20am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/guys-why-do-the-guys-i-date-always-want-me-to-come-to-them-and-never-plan-a-date/7378/15 "2007-12-14T03:20:09Z")
Denny’s works for me as long as you bring me a coffee too! I’ll take a double shot, soy, vanilla latte… lol 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Barkuti](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/barkuti/32/1622_2.png) [@Barkuti](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Barkuti)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2007, 3:22am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/guys-why-do-the-guys-i-date-always-want-me-to-come-to-them-and-never-plan-a-date/7378/16 "2007-12-14T03:22:57Z")
> [@bubblyblonde](#): > > Wow, it seems like everybody is saying pretty much the same thing. > > So, do I wait for the guy to ask me out again and in my answer should I tell him he should come over and see me? Or should I just invite him to come and hang out with me? What’s a good way to do that without sounding or acting bitchy or too demanding? bubblyblonde, it seems you’re a bit worried for what others may think about you. That’s a problem of you, not theirs. Just behave as you’d like. Don’t expect this or that to happen. Just do it. Trust in/love yourself. If you wanna hang out with a boy and do this and/or that, take the initiative. Stop thinking you’re/seem like this or that. Don’t expect anything, or you’ll be building castles out of air. Just accept things as they are and enjoy. So, you want a boy to come to your place? If so that means you want to get into something deeper, but you just can’t expect the same thing from the guy. Finding a love partner is a task for two! Be tolerant and communicative, guys prefer straight words. Cheers ---
**Author:** ![mark-in-dallas](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/mark-in-dallas/32/860_2.png) [@mark-in-dallas](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/mark-in-dallas)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2007, 3:28am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/guys-why-do-the-guys-i-date-always-want-me-to-come-to-them-and-never-plan-a-date/7378/17 "2007-12-14T03:28:48Z")
> [@bubblyblonde](#): > > Denny’s works for me as long as you bring me a coffee too! I’ll take a double shot, soy, vanilla latte… lol 😃 Hey I’ll even buy your breakfast, and I’d bring Starbucks, but don’t think they’d let me bring it through the door! 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![bubblyblonde](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/bubblyblonde/32/491_2.png) [@bubblyblonde](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/bubblyblonde)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2007, 3:32am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/guys-why-do-the-guys-i-date-always-want-me-to-come-to-them-and-never-plan-a-date/7378/18 "2007-12-14T03:32:31Z")
Wow… breakfast at Denny’s and Starbucks? What more could a girl ask for…😉 ---
**Author:** ![Felicity](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/aca169/32.png) [@Felicity](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Felicity)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2007, 3:35am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/guys-why-do-the-guys-i-date-always-want-me-to-come-to-them-and-never-plan-a-date/7378/19 "2007-12-14T03:35:40Z")
What you have to do, is create a ‘buzz’ round you like a new band does. Far as he is concerned, your life is a social whirl, full of invites and parties and glamourous things like that. He doesn’t know you are sitting there filing your nails. Its not you are too tired, or can’t be bothered, or its his turn to show up at your place - its you are far too _busy_ to take the time to travel way over there. If he wants a chance with someone like you, he has to work at it. Just till hes trained up. Once he stops expecting you to fit your social arrangements entirely round his conveinience, you can lighten up on him. At this stage though, you are both still establishing boundaries and you have to establish the sort that says you are a high status person. ---
**Author:** ![bubblyblonde](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/bubblyblonde/32/491_2.png) [@bubblyblonde](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/bubblyblonde)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2007, 3:41am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/guys-why-do-the-guys-i-date-always-want-me-to-come-to-them-and-never-plan-a-date/7378/20 "2007-12-14T03:41:33Z")
> [@](#): > > Its not you are too tired, or can’t be bothered, or its his turn to show up at your place - its you are far too _busy_ to take the time to travel way over there. If he wants a chance with someone like you, he has to work at it. Excellent point Felicity! I am going to have fun with this being too busy stuff… hehehe 😃 [Next page](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/guys-why-do-the-guys-i-date-always-want-me-to-come-to-them-and-never-plan-a-date/7378.md?page=2)