# How should I deal with my husband wanting an open relationship? **URL:** \ **Category:** Lounge\ **Created:** [July 31, 2014, 5:47am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/how-should-i-deal-with-my-husband-wanting-an-open-relationship/62529 "2014-07-31T05:47:03Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 9\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Polylogy](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/polylogy/32/2421_2.png) [@Polylogy](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Polylogy)\ **Post date:** [July 31, 2014, 5:47am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/how-should-i-deal-with-my-husband-wanting-an-open-relationship/62529/1 "2014-07-31T05:47:03Z")
OK, I am not sure how to respond to my husband wanting to have an open relationship. He had been having an affair the first part of this year. I believe it has ended, and so does her husband (yes, she is married too). After all this I decided I was letting him have too much influence on my life and I had become introverted. This last month I have traveled across the country by myself (first time ever!), taken a new job (dream job, teaching Algebra & coaching swim), and have decided to leave him behind for 6 months to a year and take the kids with me to GA. When we were dating I was very outgoing and independent. A friend of his has an open marriage due to lots of travel, separation, and kids. He suggested the same thing for us during this time of separation. I was never really sexually active and have not had many partners, however, I do have a tremendous sex drive and my husband seems to have none. So I am considering this proposal, but I was raised believing in the traditional marriage, so I am confused about actually doing this with his blessing or not. I do have a teenage daughter and I do not want her to see me being with other men and think its ok. Here are the rules he has laid down: 1. It can’t start until I actually get to GA. 2. I can’t post anything on Facebook about it (in order to keep it a secret and away from the kids and our traditional families) 3. We can’t tell the kids, and they have to think we have a normal regular marriage 4. No partners that I would make me then not come back to him. (He said, “no going black, cuz I hear you won’t come back”) 5. No divorce no matter what (it is no longer on the table if we do an open marriage) 6. I can’t have any partners within a 3 day time frame of him coming to see me (to allow my system a time of cleansing before him) 7. Go have fun, and let them satisfy me because he doesn’t care to. (He actually said that if we just wanted to have a business relationship-marriage for the kids sake he was ok with that, and I could have other men to satisfy me even after he moves to GA in the future). Through all of this talking about other potential partners he has actually become more and more aroused by the thought of me being with other men. He even mentioned that a sexual fantasy of his was to film me with someone else. Is this all for real??? Are some men ok with sharing their wives? He really truly seems to be turned on by the whole idea. And just to let you guys know, I have posted a pic of me so you can see that I am not an unattractive women, I constantly get comments about my 32FF boobs, size 8 waist, and nice round butt, I have always had an hourglass figure, and am proportion properly (my boobs do not look out of place as big as the are). I love my husband but I do desire for a more sexual relationship that does not consist of 10 minute quickies (If I’m lucky) maybe once a week. Just looking for a consensus from other women and men out there to see what they think. ~Poly~😕 ---
**Author:** ![RusselltheLoveMuscle](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/russellthelovemuscle/32/458_2.png) [@RusselltheLoveMuscle](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/RusselltheLoveMuscle)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2014, 5:43pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/how-should-i-deal-with-my-husband-wanting-an-open-relationship/62529/2 "2014-09-04T17:43:29Z")
> [@Polylogy](#): > > OK, I am not sure how to respond to my husband wanting to have an open relationship. > > I do have a tremendous sex drive and my husband seems to have none. > > Through all of this talking about other potential partners he has actually become more and more aroused by the thought of me being with other men. He even mentioned that a sexual fantasy of his was to film me with someone else. Is this all for real??? Are some men ok with sharing their wives? He really truly seems to be turned on by the whole idea. > > And just to let you guys know, I have posted a pic of me so you can see > I love my husband but I do desire for a more sexual relationship that does not consist of 10 minute quickies (If I’m lucky) maybe once a week. > > Just looking for a consensus from other women and men out there to see what they think. > > ~Poly~😕 From the lines I have chosen in the quote it appears as if you have partially answered your own question. I would caution you to truly think deeply on this as it is apparent with or without your consent he will find someone to play with anyway. The cynic in me says he wants an open relationship with those ground rules because that way with no divorce he has no child support to worry about the courts raping his paycheck with. You have a conservative slant in your thought and he may be betting that you will agree but not follow through on finding it elsewhere while he get to play all he wants. IF you elect to go through with it, make sure the rules are good for you, if not, amend them so the playing field is level, like mandatory STD/HIV tests for both of you if you come together and the mood is there. Not just avoiding stauts updates or pics on the Facebook but no photos on ANY social media site, EVER, with the partner who is flavor of the week, and whatever else you feel may be advantageous to your position in this. To answer your other inquiry yes there are many men and women who are sexually aroused by their partners being with other people, I have personally experienced it and I can tell you that you must not have any insecurity or jealousy issues AT ALL. I am still very close to her and we seperated amicably because of a career transfer which was not conducive to keep the relationship going but when we made our rules, stuck to the rules, it was fun and it made us closer (I speak only for me, you may try it once and hate it) There are tons of swingers clubs and meeting groups all over the world so there is a lifestyle that supports your husband’s proposition. What remains are his demands which need amending from you to benefit as much as he does. Think on it. Seriously. Is it worth staying with him just for kids and added income? Do you find any appeal into being watched by your husband while you allow another man to touch and be intimate with you? If there is an element of tabooness and eroticism to it then allow yourself the time to carry that thought in your head but be realistic and think of the worst case scenario as well as the best case scenario. In closing I would ask you, search your woman’s intuition and answer one simple question, “What do you want to do?” No one has the right to pass judgement and your decision is your own. I hope it works out all for the best. ~ Your fellow Georgia resident RtLM 🆒 ---
**Author:** ![vanadium](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/c4cdca/32.png) [@vanadium](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/vanadium)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2014, 5:15am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/how-should-i-deal-with-my-husband-wanting-an-open-relationship/62529/3 "2014-09-05T05:15:28Z")
I was born and mostly raised in Georgia. Reading that as a guy, you’ll have to hide YOUR actions from the kids while he plays freely, you’d sign away divorce, finding someone better, etc. – that’s not an open marriage, it’s a one-way deal that’s all his way. I can’t even begin to list how each sentence is crafted to his benefit. Don’t go for it. I don’t say this lightly: divorce _ **might** _ be a better option for you. I had a happy somewhat open relationship for decades (and two kids). It was FAR more equal/fair – yet no explicit rules, we each trusted the other to Do The Right Thing when faced with an option/decision or at least ask our opinion, because we really cared. If you don’t have that, what do you have? An oral contract to play Gotcha with? ---
**Author:** ![RusselltheLoveMuscle](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/russellthelovemuscle/32/458_2.png) [@RusselltheLoveMuscle](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/RusselltheLoveMuscle)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2014, 1:07pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/how-should-i-deal-with-my-husband-wanting-an-open-relationship/62529/4 "2014-09-05T13:07:47Z")
> [@vanadium](#): > > that’s not an open marriage, it’s a one-way deal that’s all his way. I can’t even begin to list how each sentence is crafted to his benefit. Don’t go for it. Well said sir. I saw it also but wanted to give her the option to counter with her own proposals which anything that deviates from his idea will more than likely be disputed and if she can’t have a more equitable agreement I agree time to start life over again without him. ---
**Author:** ![Polylogy](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/polylogy/32/2421_2.png) [@Polylogy](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Polylogy)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2014, 4:44am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/how-should-i-deal-with-my-husband-wanting-an-open-relationship/62529/5 "2014-09-08T04:44:43Z")
Thank you both. As my original post was over a month ago much has happened since then. Firstly, I broke rule number 1… Because I wasn’t real sure he wanted an open relationship. (I really did feel He thought I wouldn’t follow through even if we agreed to it, like Russell said.) But if he truly did want an open marriage then I wanted him to deal with it really, not “out of sight, out of mind” kind of thing he was envisioning. So I sorta set myself up for a night with a guy I knew had had a thing for me for a while. He never made any moves on me until I told him my hubby and I were discussing an open marriage. Well with a couple hour road trip (business) and a few sprays of I/S A, I got what I had been longing for, and not getting in my marriage, a full night of hot passionate sex. Well, long story, but my hubby found out, shouldn’t have mattered cuz he wanted a “don’t ask don’t tell policy”, but he felt that the partner I had chosen was beneath me and he felt I didn’t hold high enough standards… So his problem wasn’t that I actually did it, it was and still is my choice in whom I chose that he is still “processing”. Even a month later, he is mad still. He is speaking to me, but not real conversations… It doesn’t help that I have moved 1500 miles away with the kids. I think we are both second guessing an open marriage, but as much as I don’t want a divorce, I am leaning more and more that way the longer he acts like he is. He forgets he was the one to cheat first, before the “open” policy was discussed. And he still lives in the same town as his affair, where as I am in a subdivision, full of families and couples, where I don’t know anyone, much less could find a boy toy to play with… Ok, that being said, I have decided against further “openness” until my hubby and I can either have a decent discussion about it, or we decide to part ways for good. My oldest daughter (15) is so mad at him right now that she will barely talk to him, but that has to do with how he was treating us when we caught him in his affair and was acting like a kid who’s toy was taken away, he was mean, hateful, and just downright nasty to all of us, especially me and she could see it. Now my two others still want to talk to him every night and tell him how their day was, he actually listens to them now, as he didn’t really take the time for them much before. I know if we got a divorce they would be devastated. He’s a good man, but I know how a husband should treat and care for their wife and it’s more than a monetary thing, we require an emotional and physical connection. So, I’m still processing the situation. ~Poly~ ---
**Author:** ![Polylogy](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/polylogy/32/2421_2.png) [@Polylogy](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Polylogy)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2014, 5:06am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/how-should-i-deal-with-my-husband-wanting-an-open-relationship/62529/6 "2014-09-08T05:06:39Z")
> [@vanadium](#): > > I was born and mostly raised in Georgia. > > Reading that as a guy, you’ll have to hide YOUR actions from the kids while he plays freely, you’d sign away divorce, finding someone better, etc. – that’s not an open marriage, it’s a one-way deal that’s all his way. I can’t even begin to list how each sentence is crafted to his benefit. Don’t go for it. I would have to agree, because I am the one with the kids, they would see me going out and would see my actions, whereas he is so far away they would know anything he did, I would have to be the one actively “hiding” stuff from the kids. And my 15 year old is smart, she was the first to truly suspect my husband’s affair, I wondered but she witnessed some odd things she told me about later that sent up red flags for her, so I know she would get suspicious and judge me. > [@vanadium](#): > > I don’t say this lightly: divorce _ **might** _ be a better option for you. I had a happy somewhat open relationship for decades (and two kids). It was FAR more equal/fair – yet no explicit rules, we each trusted the other to Do The Right Thing when faced with an option/decision or at least ask our opinion, because we really cared. If you don’t have that, what do you have? An oral contract to play Gotcha with? See my other post from earlier tonight, but you are right, I do not feel he truly cares for me right now, and hasn’t for awhile, sad to say. I really feel that in his affair, whether just emotional (which he claims is all it was) or physical (which I believe it was) changed his affections toward me, even his business partners would tell me that he always spoke highly of me and praised how wonderful I was, and now he claims he’s been unhappy and not in love with me for over 5 years… B/S. He was spouting my praises to associates of his and business partners I had never met saying he couldn’t wait for them to meet me less than a year ago… Only thing that changed… He found someone else that needed an ear to crap on her husband, so then he started finding faults about me to have common ground, complaining about spouses, one then led to another they got close and I got pushed away. Ok, enough whining… I wish it was easy ~Poly~😕 ---
**Author:** ![CelticPrince](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/celticprince/32/397_2.png) [@CelticPrince](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/CelticPrince)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2014, 2:39pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/how-should-i-deal-with-my-husband-wanting-an-open-relationship/62529/7 "2014-09-08T14:39:19Z")
Poly, Sounds like you are in a tough spot. You may just need to play this one out a bit to see if he changes his tune. I agree with Vanadium, the rules laid out by your husband seem very one-sided (his), and he showed his true colors by breaking his own rule (dont ask-dont tell) the first time you went out with another man. I dont think he is mad because of the guy you chose, I think he is mad because you actually did it and he thought that you wouldnt do it. What? Did he expect you to ask him to pick a guy out for you??? Obviously you will do whats best for your children, and hopefully he will do the same. I wish you the best. Good luck. ---
**Author:** ![lwatkins](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/lwatkins/32/472_2.png) [@lwatkins](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/lwatkins)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2014, 2:14pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/how-should-i-deal-with-my-husband-wanting-an-open-relationship/62529/8 "2014-09-09T14:14:49Z")
I’ve known some poly couples to recommend this book very highly: > **[The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilit…](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/4469773-the-ethical-slut)** > > The essential guide for singles and couples who want to… also, extremely helpful for my own marriage and relationships in general: [Why Marriages Succeed or Fail | The Gottman InstituteThe Gottman Institute](http://www.gottman.com/shop/why-marriages-succeed-or-fail/) The first is the book was given to me by a very open minded woman who I had an affair with - her open marriage is still going great. The second book was given to me by a very highly regarded marriage therapist my wife and I visited for several months, and our marriage is in better shape then ever before, a year and a half after my affair. My overall observation and understanding is that it takes a very highly functional marriage in order to maintain an open relationship. Though, it’s certainly not necessary for a relationship to be open in order for it to be correctly-functioning. At end of the day, people aren’t perfect and you can’t control them. Life is too short to try to control people that you can’t. Did the the woman I have an affair with fall in love with me? She absolutely did! And I broke her heart. And I broke my wife’s heart. And then I went into atrial fibrillation and had to get shocked at the hospital, so I guess my own heart wasn’t doing to well either. But affair-girl went on to mend things w/ her husband, date other guys, and even have another baby. I mended things with my wife, we worked on our relationship, and we had another baby too. In the open marriage, who’s going to support you through you misery when you fall in love with someone else outside your marriage and he breaks your heart… you husband’s got to be there to support you, hear you, and not judge. Is that what he’s so eager to sign up for? It can happen even if your marriage isn’t supposed to be “open”, it’s just more likely if you’re out actively dating other guys. The best predictors of who you will be in a relationship with is distance, as in who resides in the same places you reside at the same time (so that you can smell them and interact with them), and secondly who is different enough from you so as not to be too closely related; see mhc complex and attraction. Also, in any given pairing the tenancy of the male to remain optimistic and promote a positive attitude toward the relationship is highly correlated with the relationship duration - whereas the woman’s attitude negative or positive does not have any particular impact so long as the male leads with a positive dynamic. Sexual response can be viewed as a sort of inflammation of the immune system. We become inflamed in response to MHC gene markers that represent non-self, and physical traits that are the opposite of your own (I have a hook nose, her’s is turned upwards, etc.)… A person closer to androgynous will seek a more androgynous partner and longer-term relationships - and one with more feminine or masculine features and any particular extremes, will look for the opposite extremes. Extreme opposites tend to be shorter-term, where as closer-to-androgynous/similar pairings are longer duration. Typically couples enjoy the same smells in their environment, but find their partner smells differently from members of their family… we treat the similar more like family, but they excite us less. Beyond that, you establish mirroring behaviors, and integrate aspects of the other person’s qualities into your sense of self - which can be seen as growth of the self which leads to procreation which is further growth. Though a woman may be sexual per-se, woman’s sexual arousal towards a partner will always be highest with a novel partner, and will naturally decrease for each month the relationship continues. Novel mates are of course quite invigorating, and we need not judge our mates or ourselves over attraction that occurred based on inherent qualities. The relationship will grow and move forward to the extent that in the area where your lives overlap, you go new places together, do different things together, acquiring new skills and memories, etc. Consider this [Relationships And Social Cognition Lab, UC Berkeley](http://www.ocf.berkeley.edu/~rascl/tools/secondFastFriendsQuestions.html) and also this [The Book of Questions: Gregory Stock Ph.D.: 9780894803208: Amazon.com: Books](http://www.amazon.com/Book-Questions-Gregory-Stock-Ph-D/dp/0894803204) Infidelity is not the end of your marriage per-se. Couples recover from that all the time, or even integrate this behavior into the relationship. How easily a couple deals with infidelity and jealously, and distance, money problems, and other stress of life - what matters is the dynamic you both maintain in the relationship. If you maintain a really positive supportive dynamic from both ends, you can make any situation work. If not, you probably can’t make anything work. Make sure that you are both looking forward and not backward; seeing your options and possibilities; supporting each other in a positive direction into the future out of love. Whatever you do, do it out of love, and never out of obligation or following rules. Do not play a game of “Gotcha”. Instead of rules, look at things in terms of mutual benefit between equals. Or if one is seen is superior, one benefits from the superior status of the other and makes them-self indispensable to the other. Once you start seeing your partner as property that you control, your headed for trouble. Give pleasure and affection without expectations or obligations. Each should empower the other. The discussion of open marriage began with a harsh startup. It did not begin by reassuring each other sufficiently. There were elements of defensiveness, criticizing, stonewalling, disgust, etc. Thus we already know the direction of the discussion will lead to a negative interaction. At the same time, stonewalling and being shell-shocked will also be destructive to the relationship. Stonewalling is a manner of being defensive, which escalates. Gauge your own behavior for evidence of stonewalling, withdrawing, etc. as well as cross-talk. Complaining about the specific behavior the other person engages in is acceptable. Any behavior that leads to a less desirable situation, you can complain. Everyone is allowed to complain He should hear you, and not be defensive. Similarly, you should hear him without stonewalling or cross-talking, etc. Both people should avoid defending themselves against any complaint against their behavior. Simply acknowledge the direction the behavior led, and how we feel about the situation result - yet value the other person as “one of us”. Each must hear the other person, and avoid over-rationalizing it or being too much of a “mr fix-it”. Attacking the character of the other person is not acceptable. Begin any future discussion by praising the character of the other person (reassurance). He should in turn do the same. This is the gentle startup. Then, you may complain about the SITUATION that “we” are in. Speak of the character of the person as person as part of “US” and looking forward, lead the discussion towards how we are going to move towards a better situation that makes us feel better… by asking questions - if we did this, how would we feel about the result? What if instead we did this? Stay very far away from from any expressions of disgust and contempt (Sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery, and hostile humor). Any judgement is counter-productive - such things are all very bad for your marriage - not just this relationship, but also future relationships. At the same time, avoid any instinct to protect yourself (defensiveness) as this only escallates conflict. I would suggest that with an open relationship, the door is open to compare one man to another. Avoid directly comparing one man’s character to another, as this is toxic to the potential with either man. Instead, focus on maintaining a positive pattern of interaction with any given man who you are seeing - or all the men you are seeing, however it works out. Read up on John Gottman’s work, but also check out the books on poly living. Complain about, and work on - the situation, the way in which things are discussed. Tactics. The behaviors and ways of socializing. Don’t get to hung up on this or that partner’s inherent characteristics - it was those characteristic that attracted you to each other in the first place. A good partnership is marked by mutual expression of seeing the value in the other, taking enjoyment in their presence, and praising their motives and differing skills and perspective. I think if you can get it right with the husband, you can get it right with many others too if you so desire. On the other hand, if you haven’t learned a better way to interact with the husband, you’ll likely be doomed to repeat the same problems in future relationships. “Research shows that it is not the mere presence or absence of conflicts that undermines relationships; instead it is the way partners behave and handle themselves during a conflict that has consequences for the health of the relationship, as well as of individual members (Eaker et al., 2007; Filsinger & Thoma, 1988; McGonagle, Kessler, & Gotlib, 1993; Smith, & Uchino, 2006). For example, constructive behaviors such as partner perspective-taking and problem-solving facilitate effective resolution of conflicts, potentially turning them into contexts in which relationships are validated rather than undermined (Arriaga & Rusbult, 1998; Heavey et al., 1993). In contrast, use of negative conflict tactics, such as criticism, withdrawal, stonewalling, and expression of hostility reduces general relationship satisfaction and can eventually lead to the dissolution of the bond (Arriaga & Rusbult, 1998; Clements, Cordova, Markman, & Laurenceau, 1997; Gottman, Coan, Carrere, & Swanson, 1998; Levenson & Gottman, 1983).” There are a lot of papers floating around about heart rate, and the way it can escalate before a negative interaction has even started, just on the expectation that it’s going to. By the time you reach defensiveness and stonewalling, you have already reached the flooding stage where the individual is overwhelmed. Mild hypnotics - pheromonal, can play a part here in maintaining calm so that we can better attend to our partners without elevated heart rates and flooding. You want to know how people manage open relationships? It’s the way they effectively manage conflict. If you are really good at managing relationship conflict constructively and avoid the negative conflict tactics, then the presence of things that would cause conflict - such as other sexual partners, money problems, and other stresses, are managed together effectively. That doesn’t mean you need to do anything that might inject more potential for conflict into your marriage - though when these things come your way, you will have strategies to handle it. I have also found that some of the pheros sold by androtics are helpful to keep those feel-good vibes going - TAC, [P74](https://a314.com/product/p74/), many others, can prevent panic from setting in before it starts. Say reasuring things, listen, support, and also give off reassuring pheros, it goes a long way. ---
**Author:** ![Polylogy](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/polylogy/32/2421_2.png) [@Polylogy](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Polylogy)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2014, 3:56am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/how-should-i-deal-with-my-husband-wanting-an-open-relationship/62529/9 "2014-09-14T03:56:50Z")
Thank you, Lwatkins, for your thorough post! I enjoyed hearing your position on the subject. You had lots of good points, my husband and I do tend to avoid conflict, but it is mostly because he shuts down, he doesn’t like to open up and share what he is really thinking, I did not realize he was keeping things bottled up until all of this stuff came out this Spring, and it has just continued to breakdown our marriage, I think that is some of the reason his sex-drive (at least toward me) has declined, he failed to share with me his thought and feelings so we eventually were just co-workers instead of husband and wife. I do not know where our future lies, but I pray we can do the best thing for everyone involved. Thanks again, ~Poly~