# How to help a friend? **URL:** \ **Category:** Lounge\ **Created:** [April 16, 2011, 12:40pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/how-to-help-a-friend/49904 "2011-04-16T12:40:01Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 9\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Taggle](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/taggle/32/1793_2.png) [@Taggle](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Taggle)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2011, 12:40pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/how-to-help-a-friend/49904/1 "2011-04-16T12:40:01Z")
So, this guy I go to class with is basically my best male friend. I really want him to be happy, and I would like to help that happen. He’s 21, I’m 24, he’s a virgin, I’m ehhh not 🆒, and I feel he kind of looks up to me, but in the way were he wouldn’t be caught dead saying it. Heres the problem. His style is OFF! He’s a totally great guy, I think his personality, charm and charisma would attract tons of girls, but it’s all covered in long (not healthy looking) hair and a too long beird(I need a looking sick smiley, please imagine it…). If he trimmed the beird down, and had it shaped a bit (it’s just freegrowing, in a way that makes it look unhygenig), and started styling his hair (he has natural curls, but he brushes them out instead of styling them) he would look like a super cool musician kind of guy (which he is), but I just don’t know how to convince him. I’m not even surpose to know that he’s a virgin, he pretends that the look gives him game 🙄 So I can’t even go “HEY if you wan’t sex get it straight!” It would be okay, if he then looked for girls like him, but he would never take a second look at a girl who shared his style ☹ I don’t want to change his style into some kind of popguy, just incorporate some hotness into it 😃 Guys out there, what do I do, what do I say!? ---
**Author:** ![thegentleman](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/thegentleman/32/1770_2.png) [@thegentleman](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/thegentleman)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2011, 1:10pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/how-to-help-a-friend/49904/2 "2011-04-16T13:10:23Z")
If you’re truly a friend, then honesty is the only way to go. We men pretty much rely upon each other to “teach” us how to be better men. Its done by trial and fire so to speak. We can be pretty hard on each other, and that doesn’t always reap the best rewards. I guess I was lucky in that I started reading GQ at a very early age and had a dad who had some sense of style. But for the most part, we men didn’t have all those magazines out there geared towards age appropriate styles like Teen Vogue etc. We also didn’t sit around with our guy friends talking about clothes, hair and fragrances LOL. In fact, just because I was so “stylish” in high school I was called every derogatory term for homosexual that you could think of. Now kids these days are much more stylish than they were when I was growing up, so maybe they stand a better chance. But still for the most part, there’s still a huge part of the male population from 12 on, who just don’t have a clue and won’t ever unless someone kindly points it out to them. ---
**Author:** ![RADMAN513](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/radman513/32/364_2.png) [@RADMAN513](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/RADMAN513)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2011, 4:24pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/how-to-help-a-friend/49904/3 "2011-04-16T16:24:57Z")
Explain to him that a “person needs to become what they want to attract”. Fashions from what I’ve seen can usually be attached to musical preferences…especially in the late teens to the early/mid twenties. He needs to understand that if his outward appearance says “indie type musician guy” that he’s mostly going to attract women that are into indie guys. I had the same problem growing up. Being a metal head, but growing up in a Hispanic neighborhood of a mostly Hispanic city most of the girls I was around her Latina’s that liked low rider music, rap, R&B and dance pop. I learned on occasion of a few metal girls that had crushes on me but back then I wouldn’t know it if it wasn’t told to me, and I wasn’t interested in that type. Fortunately nowadays there are clothes that fit the rocker vibe but look more like clubber clothes. Affliction, Roar, 7 Diamonds, English Laundry etc along with Jeans by Rock Republic, Rock Revival, True Religion and Lucky. In all likelihood he needs to just chop the hair. Long hair is not even that fashionable in rock circles anymore and even though a few still sport it, it’s high maintenance as all hell. He’d probably look better if he chopped the hair short and spiked it a bit, and trimmed the facial hair down to a goatee or soul patch. The two best books for how to upgrade your image while maintaining your sense of identity and individual style are Mark Belmont’s “The Handsome Factor” and Brad P’s “Fashion Bible”. Maybe there’s some way you can drop hints about these books and see if his desire for women motivates him to “secretly” look into them without you knowing. The other option, would be to occasionally drop hints in the form of spotting men who have a look that you think would be good for him and dropping casual comments about how good they look. You don’t have to pretend to swoon or anything. But if he looks up to you as you say, then your opinion will hold some weight with him. So say the two of you are hanging out in public and you spot a guy with “cleaned up” rocker/musician look that you think would suit him. Simply point him out and casually state that he looks good, or you like his hair, or find this, that or the other aspect of his appearance to be attractive/sexy etc. Don’t overtly suggest it for him, just allow him to see that a cleaner more presentable version of his own basic look can attract positive female attention. You can compound this effect by opening a conversation with nearby women that you think are the type he likes and asking their opinion of the other guy. you: Wow, that guy’s pretty hot, I love his hair. I bet he (list a series of guesses you make about his personality and lifestyle based on his appearance) (grab random cute girl) hey you see that guy over there (point him out) I just made a series of guesses about him based totally on his looks and I want to see if you make the same assumptions. Now he’s seen you, who’s opinion he likely values, and a girl that he’s likely to find attractive both displaying your own preferences regarding looks and style. Done often enough he should hopefully spot a pattern and learn from it. ---
**Author:** ![xev](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/xev/32/1993_2.png) [@xev](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/xev)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2011, 12:02am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/how-to-help-a-friend/49904/4 "2011-04-17T00:02:01Z")
I’d say focus your efforts on the beard first. A long beard makes me think either hippie or hillbilly – definitely not attractive on anyone. I agree that focusing on a slightly cleaned up sexier rocker look would be the way to go. Longish curly hair and facial hair can definitely be sexy. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Hammer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/90db22/32.png) [@The\_Hammer](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/The_Hammer)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2011, 5:30am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/how-to-help-a-friend/49904/5 "2011-04-17T05:30:54Z")
Is this guy a friend or an orbiter? He could be a clueless orbiter that is desperately trying to be with you but can’t figure things out. ---
**Author:** ![tisha23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/53a042/32.png) [@tisha23](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/tisha23)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2011, 6:08am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/how-to-help-a-friend/49904/6 "2011-04-17T06:08:35Z")
> [@](#): > > So, this guy I go to class with is basically my best male friend. I really want him to be happy Then except him for who he is and dont try to change him. Women have that tendency to do this and I am surprised some of the men here didnt pick up on it. They find a guy friend or potential interest, declare that “he is a great guy” then try to change him. Why ? If he asks you for style tips thats fine. A well placed suggestion here and there is also fine like just like we do with our girlfriends… “hey you would look great in that” or “dude your beard could use a trim” in a teasing loving kind of way. Changing a person into what you think will make them happy is the best way to make them miserable. Other then that dont try to make him into what you think is attractive. When you do that your doing him a disservice because perhaps the girl of his dreams is not attracted to the same things as you. When it comes to values morals emotions and all the deeper parts of a relationship I agree with the advice be the person you want to attract. Not when it comes to style and looks though. On a surface level opposites usually attract and visual preferences are different. > [@](#): > > He’s 21, I’m 24, he’s a virgin, I’m ehhh not 🆒 If he didnt ask you for help or advice about his virginity then really its none of your business. There is nothing wrong with him because he is a virgin. When he is ready to make his move, when it feels right to him he will make his move. There is one thing I have learned being a coach over the last 20 years. Dont coach your friends unless they ask you to. Friendship is about acceptance, just the way you are. Tisha ---
**Author:** ![Taggle](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/taggle/32/1793_2.png) [@Taggle](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Taggle)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2011, 9:27pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/how-to-help-a-friend/49904/7 "2011-04-17T21:27:56Z")
> [@The\_Hammer](#): > > Is this guy a friend or an orbiter? He could be a clueless orbiter that is desperately trying to be with you but can’t figure things out. We are classmates and in this trio with another girl. He might have a sort of crush, but more in the sense of “I would like a girl like her, who isn’t 3 years older, have a kid and is moving far away 🙂” > [@tisha23](#): > > Then except him for who he is and dont try to change him. Women have that tendency to do this and I am surprised some of the men here didnt pick up on it. They find a guy friend or potential interest, declare that “he is a great guy” then try to change him. Why ? > > If he asks you for style tips thats fine. A well placed suggestion here and there is also fine like just like we do with our girlfriends… “hey you would look great in that” or “dude your beard could use a trim” in a teasing loving kind of way. Changing a person into what you think will make them happy is the best way to make them miserable. > > Other then that dont try to make him into what you think is attractive. When you do that your doing him a disservice because perhaps the girl of his dreams is not attracted to the same things as you. > > When it comes to values morals emotions and all the deeper parts of a relationship I agree with the advice be the person you want to attract. Not when it comes to style and looks though. On a surface level opposites usually attract and visual preferences are different. > > If he didnt ask you for help or advice about his virginity then really its none of your business. There is nothing wrong with him because he is a virgin. When he is ready to make his move, when it feels right to him he will make his move. > > There is one thing I have learned being a coach over the last 20 years. Dont coach your friends unless they ask you to. Friendship is about acceptance, just the way you are. > > Tisha I don’t wan’t to change his entire style, it suits him great, and I saw a picture of him with shoulderlenght hair and no beird, he looked riddiculus! However I’m pretty sure “bad hygiene” is not a style, and surtainly not one worn by people who shower regularly. It’s not his style, it’s the fact that he does not know how to style it properly, but he thinks that he look like he should, and acts like it… I just find it hard to tell a friend that he looks disgusting when he thinks he looke like some sort of rockstar ☹ ---
**Author:** ![tisha23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/53a042/32.png) [@tisha23](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/tisha23)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2011, 2:07am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/how-to-help-a-friend/49904/8 "2011-04-18T02:07:14Z")
> [@](#): > > However I’m pretty sure “bad hygiene” is not a style, and certainly not one worn by people who shower regularly. Well I would mention bad hygiene if he stinks or is dirty or something like that. Not knowing how to style is not bad hygiene though. Maybe he wants to look like zz-top, who knows ?? > [@](#): > > but he thinks that he look like he should, and acts like it… If he thinks he looks like he should then he does. Maybe his style is not yours. Style’s whether we are talking about clothes or hair are unique to the person. It seems to me that since he feels good about him self the way he looks and he is not asking for your help I would just let it be. If he is asking certainly give your opinion. I am not talking about small suggestion like suppose your at the mall and you hold up a shirt and say “hey this color would look great on you” or your thumbing through a magazine and see a picture and say “Hey this hair style would look great on you” Friends do stuff like that all the time. Remember though just because you like it doesn’t mean he will and you dont want to take away from his feeling that he looks fine just the way he is. I know your a good friend and you want him to be happy but the thing you have to ask yourself is …is he unhappy with how he looks or are you ? Tisha ---
**Author:** ![Taggle](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/taggle/32/1793_2.png) [@Taggle](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Taggle)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2011, 5:59am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/how-to-help-a-friend/49904/9 "2011-04-18T05:59:47Z")
> [@tisha23](#): > > Well I would mention bad hygiene if he stinks or is dirty or something like that. Not knowing how to style is not bad hygiene though. Maybe he wants to look like zz-top, who knows ?? > > If he thinks he looks like he should then he does. Maybe his style is not yours. Style’s whether we are talking about clothes or hair are unique to the person. > > It seems to me that since he feels good about him self the way he looks and he is not asking for your help I would just let it be. If he is asking certainly give your opinion. I am not talking about small suggestion like suppose your at the mall and you hold up a shirt and say “hey this color would look great on you” or your thumbing through a magazine and see a picture and say “Hey this hair style would look great on you” Friends do stuff like that all the time. Remember though just because you like it doesn’t mean he will and you dont want to take away from his feeling that he looks fine just the way he is. > > I know your a good friend and you want him to be happy but the thing you have to ask yourself is …is he unhappy with how he looks or are you ? > > Tisha I respect that this is your opinion, but I would want my friends to do something about it if I was walking around looking like I had bad hygiene. I would proberly wan’t them to tell me, but it’s hard for me because I know he’ll get hurt. I’m not saying he HAS bad hygiene, I’m saying he looks if though, and it’s just as bad, when it comes to talking to girls. I just want him to look as he thinks he does…