# Looking for Help with Marriage **URL:** \ **Category:** Introductions - New Users, Say "Hello"!\ **Created:** [December 29, 2009, 8:17am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/looking-for-help-with-marriage/35129 "2009-12-29T08:17:19Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 9\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Enkidu222](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/enkidu222/32/354_2.png) [@Enkidu222](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Enkidu222)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2009, 8:17am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/looking-for-help-with-marriage/35129/1 "2009-12-29T08:17:19Z")
Hello forum. Allow me to introduce myself and give you all an idea why I am interested. I am a 34 year old male, more or less happily married for nine years. We have a six year old son. I am a graduate student and a teacher. We live in the Southwest US. Over the past year, my relationship with my wife (also 34) has soured, largely without me realizing it (primarily my fault) until about two months ago. Basically, I have been rather distant from her over the past year, putting a lot of strain on her. She has a very stressful job and makes most of the money for the family, and has felt like she is pulling all of the weight. Additionally, I am somewhat prone to anger, and though I have never hit her or anything, I have not exactly been the most friendly husband this past year (I only blew up at her significantly once, but I have been rather consistently ill-tempered). Making matters worse, she has been having health problems which have affected her hormones. A promotion this summer has made her job even more stressful, especially since she is now in a management position and has little experience in that area. Also significant, she says she has more or less fallen in love with a co-worker, though she hasn’t cheated on me in any way (she says this, and I believe her completely). Significantly, he is a quiet, melancholic guy whereas I am an outgoing, choleric guy. It probably doesn’t help matters that he is already successful, whereas I am still finishing my doctorate and rather insignificant right now (though I am quite successful, relative to my station). Since we had the talk about her being upset about the past year, things have been mostly better, but since she has revealed that she has lost a good deal of her romantic feelings for me, our sex life has suffered (we have since had sex about twice a week, down from more or less seven times). I can tell, however, that she really isn’t interested anymore. This, however, is very much related to her hormonal problem as well. She is having an operation in a week that may help things, may make things worse, or many have not affect. I have completely acknowledged to her that I have not been a good husband this past year, but I do believe that some of the external circumstance as somewhat causal as well. Also, my wife and I have always taken our marriage very seriously, and I’m quite sure that a break up would be detrimental to both of us, along with our son and our extended family. I need to save my marriage, and I am trying to do everything possible to that end. Just a few days ago, we had a talk about having something like a six month “probation period” wherein we would consider whether or not we want to continue the marriage. I absolutely want to–I am still completely in love with her, sexually attracted to her, and amazed by her in every conceivable way. I therefore know that I need to do a lot of work this year. Primarily, I need to be more gentle–not in a sexual way, but in my overall demeanor (not just toward her, but just toward everything). I use the word gentle very consciously because she used that word specifically. Gentility is not at all a foreign quality to me, but it has been one that I have not been demonstrating as of late. Additionally, I have always been a very confident person, especially over the past nine years because I draw a lot of confidence from my wife. Over the past two months, however, I have felt much less confident, and this cannot help. In a sense, you might say that I am writing this down in this forum as some sort of way of solidifying what I know I need to do. But, as is germane to this forum, I am planning to seek a bit of help from pheromones. My opinion of pheromones is as follows: it seems to me quite logical that they work, and I have no more doubt about them then I have about anything else. But, along the lines of this forum post by tisha23: [What pheromones can and can't do: realistic expectations for newcomers](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/what-pheromones-can-do-and-what-they-cant-updated/9558), I don’t think that they will work any miracle. If anything, I think they will only have a very slight and subtle affect that I need to back with my own actions. I also have something of an ethical dilemma concerning their use (sorry to bring this up to a group of believers). I don’t want to use them to make me something that I am not, and I think there would be a certain degree of dishonesty if I did so (again, I don’t mean to insult any of you, I’m just trying to lay out where I am coming from). I want to use them to help project a demeanor which I am actively trying to engender in myself. At the present time, I am not planning to tell my wife that I am using one of these products (if it works, I probably will tell her and get her to use some too!), but I don’t really like to hid things from her. So, I want to make sure that the products I am using can be understood as having an effect on me, not just on her. Finally, I feel inclined to mention that I am not interested in attracting other women (though interested smiles always brighten my day, even if I don’t pursue them!), but rather only to help work things out with my wife. I have spent quite some time looking through these forums. Some helpful posts include: > [@The Snook's big book o' pheros for rookies](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/the-snooks-big-book-o-pheros-for-rookies/5879): > > So many pheros, so many newbs asking the same questions… I’ll break this down in a few different ways. Section one is for high school. two is for work. three is for clubbing. four is miscellany. NOTE: I will only be covering the pre-mixed products on this page, since it is being written for beginners. If you’re new to pheromones, please leave the TA, P, and MX series for later, once you’re a believer that -mones can do all I say they can below. Section one High School Firstly, if you’re unde… > [@Basic Noob Phero Bootcamp](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/basic-noob-phero-bootcamp/2159): > > Ok. Feel free to correct any errors I may have made. This took forever to write, so I hope you like it. Chapter 1 Alpha Androstenone: In the forum this is commonly referred to as –none or none. It is a hormone produced in men and women’s sweat. (significantly less if women) “Androstenone is the first mammalian pheromone to be identified.” ([http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Androstenone](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Androstenone)) Androstenone has the ability to cause arousal in women during their ovulation. It also has the ability cause irr… > [@What works: INTIMACY/Long Term Relationships (& sex, sex/sensual "enhancers")](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/what-works-intimacy-long-term-relationships-sex-sex-sensual-enhancers/225): > > Okay, I figure I’d start some threads aimed at SPECIFIC topics, and ask for SPECIFIC recommendations. Please post your BEST products/applications/mixes that you have developed for INTIMACY/Long Term Relationships (& sex, sex/sensual “enhancers”) Please post things that have worked, not just idle speculation. Please note possibly pertinent information such as ages (yours and “targets”/“test subjects”), environment, etc. And do what would you think if your mix (or someone elses mix) were turn… > [@My stupid newbie tricks](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/my-stupid-newbie-tricks/6369/1): > > STOP If you are new and have not read this thread byZeph [https://pheromonetalk.com/t/pheromone-f-a-qs/11517](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/pheromone-f-a-qs/11517) Ksages great expectations post [https://pheromonetalk.com/t/how-to-think-about-pheremones-effects/16064](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/how-to-think-about-pheremones-effects/16064) Another great post that may help many guys by Fire and Ice [https://pheromonetalk.com/t/to-you-guys-who-think-pheromones-get-women/15421](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/to-you-guys-who-think-pheromones-get-women/15421) Wow, the two month mark! I might as well post a few of my less than stellar phero adventures. I wouldn’t have listened to me but there may be some… > [@A314 vs Instant Gentleman: a married man in his mid-40s compares the two](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/a314-vs-instant-gentleman/11070): > > Myself: Athletic, mid-40s, Married with children This is a compilation of thoughts on the differences between A314 and [Instant Gentleman](https://a314.com/product/gentleman/). A lot of this is based not only on my experience but also on some PMs between myself and Renny. So if you like this post and decide to share the love – er, rep points, please do not forget to send Renny some too. For those of you who are not familiar with Renny he and I are about the same age. I mention this as a couple of the products can have effects that v… > [@Married Guys Looking to Help Life at Home](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/married-guys-looking-to-help-life-at-home/13695): > > Myself: Mid-40’s, athletic, married for 20+ years. This post is actually a combination of posts I have made in the Introductions section. It is designed for married guys looking to use the [pheromone products](https://a314.com/shop/) here to help things at home. I use pheromones for several purposes - work, social and to enhance life at home. I use multiple approaches especially for home: First - at this point in our lives we know sexual attraction is not the final answer. So my first recommendation is actually what … I am now considering making a purchase (well, I pretty much am sure I will), so let me tell you which products I am considering and my thoughts about them. Also, in line with renny’s post, I think I should start with one rather than a blend. IG: This is my obvious first choice since it contains the key word, “gentle.” Frankly, the description pretty much sums up what I am looking for and what I think my wife is looking for, and it would most likely compliment well the qualities I am trying to engender. Additionally, I think it would be good for me to be effected myself by this product, as it would help me feel comfortable rather than the somewhat frantic I tend to be usually. IO: This one appeals to me because one of my problems, and my wife’s problems, is we have had difficult relaxing over the past year. IH: I am quite convinced by bosshank’s post about this product and its affect on long term relationships. To be honest ( 🙂 ), however, I’m not really too worried about honesty in our conversations. Also, I tend to be one who let’s more out than I should sometimes, so I wouldn’t really want it to be affecting me. And here are a few I am skeptical about: IFM: This one might seem perfect, especially given the description “Our nickname for [Instant Female Magic](https://a314.com/product/instant-female-magic/) around here has been “The Relationship Extender” because it can help you to settle differences, and allow you to happily co-exist with a woman even at the most difficult of times.” However, I am a bit worried as I don’t want it to effect my relationship with my son, and the description warns about men not feeling welcome. I suppose I would be open to using this only when I am just around my wife or if I was sure some combination that would eliminate this negative effect. Basically, I want to do nothing that could possibly have negative repercussions for my relationship with my son. A314: I know that this seems to be a favorite, but I don’t want to use it. Frankly, I think that projecting a domineering attitude at all would cause more harm from good. Frankly, I have always been something of an Alpha anyway (an odd one, but one none the less–I am often looked up to and followed by those around me), and I think this addition would not be beneficial, especially since I’m not really worried about my position at work (I might consider this for work once I am on the job market, however). TUTH: This might sound surprising to you all (it certainly is surprising to me to say it!), but I’m not really looking to enhance sexual intimacy at the time, and I’m not interested in using pheromones directly to try to get sexy stuff starting. I know myself and my wife enough to know that reforging our emotional bond is far more important right now. I hope this post wasn’t too long–like I said, I am in a way using this anonymous forum as a way of working things out in my mind. I would like to hear your thoughts about my product choice (and my situation in general, quite frankly), including possibly blends and methods of application, as I plan to make a purchase in the next few days. ---
**Author:** ![MVKBUGATTI](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/50afbb/32.png) [@MVKBUGATTI](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/MVKBUGATTI)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2009, 9:19am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/looking-for-help-with-marriage/35129/2 "2009-12-29T09:19:24Z")
Hello and Welcome Enkidu222 If you want something to project an effect on yourself, IS might be what you’re looking for to provide an self effect. It makes me smile and feel bright. If your smiling this normally translate to making others around you to smile and feel better also. I agree with you, you should start with one product. What do you think about Instant Gentleman? I asked you this question then as I read down a little farther through your thread. I see the first thing, you commented on is Instant Gentleman, it’s so easy to see, you’re a smart man,🙂 and that you have already digested and dissected this whole forum to get the knowledge and understanding your seeking. Your first choice is the right choice; I trust your judgment, I was thinking the same thing. As far as Instant Honey ([Instant Honesty – Deep Relational Communication Pheromone – You Won’t Believe Your Ears! - Alpha A314](https://a314.com/product/instant-honesty/)): For right now don’t allow or provide an opportunity for your mouth to get you into any dilemma, :)I was once asked a very deep question about my marriage some years, ago by a highly respective person, he told me, “sometimes you can’t tell a person everything. They might not can handle it or accept it. Some things are just best left alone.” [Instant Female Magic](https://a314.com/product/instant-female-magic/) and A314 shouldn’t be in the running at the moment. Sir, you have already made logical and calculated decisions, I can only confirm with your decisions. :)I feel confident in your judgment. You know yourself and that’s the most important understanding you have going for you, “Knowing yourself.” Also, I see clearly, what you mean when you stated, “you don’t want to project any domineering…” Yes, we don’t need any attitude that could reinforcement an unwanted desire.🙂 respectfully, MVKBUGATTI ---
**Author:** ![Enkidu222](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/enkidu222/32/354_2.png) [@Enkidu222](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Enkidu222)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2009, 9:33am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/looking-for-help-with-marriage/35129/3 "2009-12-29T09:33:29Z")
Thanks! I didn’t really look at IS all that much, but that might be good. Part of my problem before my wife told me about the problem is that I was often in a bad mood (angry) and afterward, a different kind a bad mood (sad). Do IS and IG make a good combo? And, for IS, would you recommend the x2, or even x4? ---
**Author:** ![Cherub](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/cherub/32/1282_2.png) [@Cherub](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Cherub)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2009, 9:48am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/looking-for-help-with-marriage/35129/4 "2009-12-29T09:48:24Z")
Hello and welcme to the boards.. I am also a married man experimenting with pheros… I’m glad you did all your research and are so open and honest with your situation. You can read a ou my situation and testing in my journal… My situation is more complex then I wrote I could write a book on it lol… Anyways you have made some excellent choices and as for IS I am using the 1x now az we speak and you can also see my results on my journal… So far so good!!! I wish you and you wife and son the best and please keep us posted on your journey! ---
**Author:** ![tisha23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/53a042/32.png) [@tisha23](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/tisha23)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2009, 11:07am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/looking-for-help-with-marriage/35129/5 "2009-12-29T11:07:44Z")
Hello Welcome to Pherotalk Looks like you did your research 🙂. It also sounds like both of you are committed to saving the marriage. I think IG is a ideal choice for you out of the masculine mixes. Stay away from anything with Anone in it because you have already established you have aggressive tendencies. These tendencies are probably IMO what have effected her feelings for you and you do not want to magnify them at least until you have both worked through this problem. I agree that A314 is not a good choice for you at least for effecting your relationship. You may want to think about it later . IH is another excellent choice. This one gives feelings of connection and comfort. Myself and some of the married users have noticed it sort of brings that newness feeling back to the relationship. It also promotes deeper communication which you need right now. It will not make you or anyone else be honest, if a person wants to lie they will still lie. People always assume that from the name. It can make people open up about things that have been hold back though so prepare yourself. I would choose Ishine over IO or both if you can swing it. They do have to-go size bottles for low prices. Ishine is more of a mood enhancer and your mood as you described has not been pleasant. It gives a feeling of happiness well being warmth. One other I would consider is P74. This one is bonding and connecting. IFM is no longer available but I wish it were. It wont effect your son. The problem with high doses of A1 which is the primary pheromone in IFM is that it can cause a down feeling in other males therefore you have to be careful in dosing and pay attention to your own feelings. This only happens to a very small percentage of users and usually is dose related. I have two suggestions for you with A1 which is the love pheromone. You can pop on down to the drug store and find Dial Magnetic Body wash for men. You may have to check a few stores. They put A1 in there in a very low dose so you dont need to worry about the down feeling. Its not the most effective product on its own but this combined with your other mones will be good. Its also inexpensive so its worth a try before investing in my next option. Natural [attraction.com](http://attraction.com) holds the patent on A1 in a mix. They have a small to-go type size over in there men’s section for a low price that is a mix of A1 and I believe est plus a few other [pheromones](https://a314.com/). No anone. You can think about that one if you like the dials effect. > [@](#): > > also have something of an ethical dilemma concerning their use (sorry to bring this up to a group of believers). I don’t want to use them to make me something that I am not, and I think there would be a certain degree of dishonesty if I did so (again, I don’t mean to insult any of you, I’m just trying to lay out where I am coming from). I want to use them to help project a demeanor which I am actively trying to engender in myself. At the present time, I am not planning to tell my wife that I am using one of these products (if it works, I probably will tell her and get her to use some too!), but I don’t really like to hid things from her. So, I want to make sure that the products I am using can be understood as having an effect on me, not just on her. > [@](#): > Its better not to tell her at first or just say your using some aroma therapy product to help your own demeanor if she smells something on you. The reason is when you make her aware of them you bring it to her conscious mind and pheromones work best in the subconscious. Ethically your not doing anything wrong. You are not changing yourself or her. Your not taking away her free will to choose, Pheromones just do not work this way. They enhance and evoke emotion. They signal (communicate) information about you to others. If you dont change your behavoir and still act in a aggressive fashion it gives confusing signals and she will not react. Now this part you can ignore or not. I’m a life coach so you know I am gonna put my 2 cents in there. Your a Alpha male. I dont know if you have always had anger issues but seems to me that the temporary switch in roles is part of what is making you so angry. Not really with your wife but with the situation. You have the personality of being the bread winner the one to take care of others and that one statement you made about being insignificant spoke volumes to me. Consciously understanding where your anger and foul moods are coming from may help you control and work through those emotions better. Realize the role reversal is only temporary. Express to your wife your feeling about this subject. Let her know your so proud of her but feel insignificant. She may not understand why your acting like you are and knowing it and that its temporary will make her be able to deal with it better as well. Believe me I know this because I am a alpha and I am married to a alpha and it can be a power struggle. When ones power seems threatened they strike out to defend that power. I dont think your wife is a alpha and I think holding this role is probably what contributed to her health problems. Stress is a major reason for many health problems and the causes disease. (dis-ease) That feeling of unease. Be sure your pulling your weight in other areas of your home life. Make things easier at home. That’s the role of the alpha as well. Wish I had more time to delve into this post right now but I am off to work 😉 Good luck to you and I look forward to your participation. If you need help with the products or just need to talk we are always here. Tisha ---
**Author:** ![Kelsey](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/kelsey/32/8468_2.png) [@Kelsey](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Kelsey)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2009, 9:48pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/looking-for-help-with-marriage/35129/6 "2009-12-29T21:48:07Z")
Welcome to Pherotalk Enkidu! Wow, you certainly had a lot to say. You are well covered in terms of answers and so am just gonna say am glad you are now part of our little community and hope you continue to share your experiences with us. Your GC was already issued! ---
**Author:** ![Enkidu222](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/enkidu222/32/354_2.png) [@Enkidu222](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Enkidu222)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2009, 10:51pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/looking-for-help-with-marriage/35129/7 "2009-12-29T22:51:07Z")
Thanks everyone. I just placed an order for IG, IS, and IO. In a few days, my wife and I will be in the car together alone for about three hours. Any suggestion for what I should use? ---
**Author:** ![Cherub](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/cherub/32/1282_2.png) [@Cherub](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Cherub)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2009, 5:40am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/looking-for-help-with-marriage/35129/8 "2009-12-30T05:40:25Z")
I like IS! ---
**Author:** ![tisha23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/53a042/32.png) [@tisha23](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/tisha23)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2009, 10:37am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/looking-for-help-with-marriage/35129/9 "2009-12-30T10:37:04Z")
> [@Enkidu222](#): > > Thanks everyone. I just placed an order for IG, IS, and IO. > > In a few days, my wife and I will be in the car together alone for about three hours. Any suggestion for what I should use? Well I find its always best to use one at a time when you first get them. This way you can find your dosage for each one and get a feel for what each one is doing. When you layer them right away its hard to know which product is effect which behavior. The car is a closed environment so people tend to see more hits there on the flip side if you over do it your more likely to see a OD effect there. Your not using anone products so no real concern there. I would suggest since this is a good opportunity for you to talk that you wear 2 spray of Ishine one to the hair one to the neck and 1 spray of Io to the neck and see how you do. But be sure to test the out on there own whgen you can to get a good feel for them. Many people see results right out of the gate but dont get discouraged if you dont. I didn’t, my husband knows my natural signature even though he is not conscious of knowing it. Partners have preconceived notions about us as well. Some times repeated exposure is necessary to sort of reprogram the thoughts. I know the first week I used them my husband looked at me like a boob was growing out my head. He kept asking if I lost weight, did I change my hair. He knew something was different but could not place it. By the end of the week he just started to respond without thinking. Tisha