# Night\_Hawk's Pheremone Journal **URL:** \ **Category:** Men's Journals\ **Created:** [December 2, 2010, 4:05pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/night_hawks-pheremone-journal/43688 "2010-12-02T16:05:09Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 13
**Author:** ![justintime469](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/justintime469/32/1402_2.png) [@justintime469](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/justintime469)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2016, 11:02am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/night_hawks-pheremone-journal/43688/243 "2016-11-29T11:02:09Z")
Wow on your mix, I can not wait to read what the hell happens with that thing. Sometimes I will do something like that just for fun to see what happens LOL. Definitely let us know what happens with your mix, looks like a bunch of interesting molecules in a mix! ---
**Author:** ![Night\_Hawk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/3bc359/32.png) [@Night\_Hawk](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Night_Hawk)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2016, 11:36am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/night_hawks-pheremone-journal/43688/244 "2016-11-29T11:36:11Z")
> [@](#): > > Wow on your mix, I can not wait to read what the hell happens with that thing. Sometimes I will do something like that just for fun to see what happens LOL. Definitely let us know what happens with your mix, looks like a bunch of interesting molecules in a mix! Safe to say it’s been a while since I made a ‘Frankenstein Mix’ (Frankie Mix). Some have worked wonders, some have done nothing; and some made a gawd awful smell, lol! 😃 Anyhow, this is the only bottle on my shelf. I had 9 2-Go’s and 4 30 ml bottles all with little bits of mones in the bottom of each bottle. I even took the liberty to spray the sprayer into the bottle I intended to use to get every single drop left!! This thing is for next Monday 5th December, if my current order from last week fails to arrive on time. Would loved to have had the P96 for the night to test out, but as time ticks on, I guess that this back-up shall be my only joy!! ---
**Author:** ![Night\_Hawk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/3bc359/32.png) [@Night\_Hawk](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Night_Hawk)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2016, 9:29am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/night_hawks-pheremone-journal/43688/245 "2016-11-30T09:29:55Z")
Day 2 of my rest days. I’ve been awake since, well, yesterday, lol, 1pm Tuesday to be exact. I cannot for the life of me sleep. I think it’s party because I was on nights; and party because I know I’ve got one hell of a night next Monday. Oh, my F5 button I think is nearing it’s shelf life of wear and tear. That shipping info is still saying my order has yet to be despatched from AD HQ. Don’t think I’ve ever waited this long for a parcel, even with custom mones included in the order! Kinda getting a tad worried now in case something has happened! 😕 Anyone else waited over a week for a dispatch? Anyhow, it’s kind of made my mind up that I’m going to buy me some hedione from the UK supplier I’ve found. Looks like it’s a well established family business, with lots of positive reviews from what I’ve seen, so worth a go. Gonna go for the original hedione price at 8.99GBP for 50ml. Don’t know if that’s a good deal or not, seems cheap enough to me, although I have to spend a minimum of 20GBP to place the order. That means I’m looking at other products too. Looks like if I buy today I get a freebie of ‘Indole Natural Isolate’ whatever the heck that is, will have to speak to my old friend Google and ask! 😉 NH. ---
**Author:** ![Night\_Hawk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/3bc359/32.png) [@Night\_Hawk](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Night_Hawk)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2016, 11:04am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/night_hawks-pheremone-journal/43688/246 "2016-11-30T11:04:28Z")
I’m back after a little bit of mooching around the internet and… …Well I never! On my travels looking for what ‘Indole Natural Isolate’ is, I came across the following post (14 Aphrodisiac Essential Oils for your Love life, Romance, Sex & Libido)… [14 Aphrodisiac Essential Oils for your Love life, Romance, Sex & Libido -](http://essentialoilsanctuary.com/14-romantic-essential-oils-for-your-love-life-sex-libido/) Well, now I know why I like [Neroli](https://a314.com/product-category/scented/androtics-neroli/) scent so much, lol!! > [@](#): > > Neroli, also known as orange blossom, helps to uplift the mind, calm the senses. It has been used for centuries as a natural aphrodisiac in many countries. It instills confidence and dispel feelings of anger. It is so soothing to the heart that it is often used in cases of panic attacks. Ah, what the heck! Whilst I have that other website page open, I may as well share the info they have on ylang ylang… > [@](#): > > Calming in times of stress, Ylang Ylang relaxes, slows a racing heart, decreases blood pressure and boosts mood. > > Ylang Ylang works effectively on the emotions. It is a well known aphrodisiac as well as a support in times of bereavement. It doesn’t matter the situation ? Ylang Ylang will provide what you need to balance out emotional hyperarousal or upset. > > It’s calming effects are particularly helpful to make your sexual experience feel deeper and more profound. It prevents both Tachycardia (rapid heartbeat) and Hyperpnea (fast, shallow breathing). This soothes the emotions of anxiety, anger, worry and fear ? and gets you in the mood for some loving! …and, Jasmine, which I do believe is what we get hedione from… > [@](#): > > Jasmine has an amazing smell, aphrodisiac qualities and provides a balancing effect on the nervous system. Jasmine works on an emotional level, helping to calm frayed nerves and remedy depression, nervous exhaustion and stress-related conditions. It produces a feeling of optimism, confidence and euphoria. It’s most useful in cases of apathy, indifference or listlessness. Use it to get the passion flowing! Hmm, so let me get this right about these 3 products…gets the passion flowing…gets you in the mood for some loving…used for centuries as a natural aphrodisiac. Bring it on!! 😃 Anyhow, anyone needing to know what ‘Indole Natural Isolate’ is, as follows: > [@](#): > > ?Often called ?magic? indole is indeed a very fascinating material whose importance in perfumery cannot be overstated. Depending on its concentration it can be terribly repulsive or immensely seductive, featuring in the aroma profile of some of the most bewitching floral scents on earth like jasmines and orange blossoms as well as in excrements. Indole is the seductive weapon devised by the most intoxicating night flowers to attract pollinators ? usually moths. Funnily enough traces of indole in the aroma profile of a flower make it irresistible for humans too, capable of transforming a delicate, clean yet insignificant floral scent into a narcotic elixir. > > In perfumery too minute additions of indole are crucial in order to impart sultry seductiveness to floral compositions, and unlike the synthetic offering this natural offering really gets so close to the real thing. > > Quite an experience to smell it neat with its unbearable stink of putrid flesh and faeces this natural indole dilutes down beautifully into a curiously very pleasant sweet animalic ? heady floral scent that will improve the naturalness, wearability and tenacity of perfume compositions. With a purity of 98% this natural isolate is here offered at 1% in perfumer’s alcohol for ease of use but it can be further diluted down for even better control and nuancing.? So, reading the above, mixing it with hedione and or neroli may or may not be a good idea. Still, it’s research; and that’s what we all do here right? Research! Albeit, it’s products from another supplier, but when my order from AD eventually arrives, I’ll be mixing them (the mones), right on in with the essential oils and seeing what I can cook up, hehe!! You know, in a way, I’m glad I posted my thoughts and feelings onto this journal a month ago. If I hadn’t, I very much doubt I’d of visited and read some of the best accounts in other member’s journals I’ve had the pleasure and enjoyment to read, not to mention them being informative and educational!! I’ve gone from being a jibbering mess of feelings, to being more positive, proactive and focused on the future, albeit, still not decided on that job move, although I am seriously tempted. If fate does make us meet up again, then so be it, but I may ask ‘X’ at the apartment, don’t want to freak her out one day, if we bump into one another in the same job! Anyhow. Side-tracked again! This is going to be the 1st time I’ve used oils, so no doubt I shall be reading Conj’s journal for tips. BTW Conj, saw a post earlier that you used 12 dabs of hedione in one go, lol! You’re a mad man, but your posts make for one hell of an interesting read; and as such, I’ve expressed my ‘Thanks’ on reading them!! I’ve ordered Hedione (50ml - That should last a while, lol), ylang ylang (10ml) and neroli natural isolate (5ml). Well, can’t not have enough of neroli, especially after reading the above, lol. I was going to get neroli oil, but at a 32GBP price tag, this time around; and for a testing point of view, I went with the isolate. All in all, I was pleasantly surprised at just how much these 3 items came to, plus I got a 10% discount code (displayed permanently above the top of the entire website); and by the looks of it, as posted above, a freebie to try out! Total price (inc. VAT and Postage), 23.29GBP. When they arrive, I’ll post a picture to show you what they look like (although you probably know already from buying similar at your end). Think of it as a comparison, lol. Anyhow, I shall stop by later. Stopped hitting the F5 button for now. No point checking the DHL tracker, when you’re all in bed (Probably). Keep forgetting you’re 8 hours behind us UK folk (With the strange English accent). Still, scratching my head on the dispatch from AD, really feels like an eternity has passed, never known it to be this long for anything to be shipped, 5 days has been the most. Today (30th) will be the 8th day, gonna have no nails left, haha! 😉 Bye for now. NH. ---
**Author:** ![Night\_Hawk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/3bc359/32.png) [@Night\_Hawk](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Night_Hawk)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2016, 12:49pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/night_hawks-pheremone-journal/43688/247 "2016-11-30T12:49:13Z")
Oh mother of gawd! Might of just done something very, very stupid. Again! Knew I should’ve stayed here and not gone on my media a/c! I commented on something a couple of work colleagues were talking on, got into a convo about ‘X’, well they did and they kept tagging her name. 🙄 I tried to get over to them that she doesn’t like me. I have no idea if I’m honest, only what that other staff member screamed in my face; and the ‘unfriending’ of her a/c to mine, so, probably doesn’t. Arghhh!! Seriously, when am I going to learn?!! Going to be keeping my head down at that apartment now, I think, if she doesn’t catch up with me sooner! …Right, what’s done is done. Back to the research side of things. these oil products, how do you apply them to yourself? Cotton wool, or do you use some form of applicator? Can’t see it being a spray, unless it is, or would it be, being oil, might get messy! Best spots to apply hedione? Anyone? …and is it recommended to apply the oil then cover with another perfume, etc, or apply the perfume ad then apply the oil?? Questions, questions, I know. Best getting them in now, than on the night in question as that going to be one busy day for me. Saying that, I’ve been granted my 5 days off, so no rushing for me to go to work the following morning! Actually, this will be the 1st xmas party where I haven’t had to work at a stupid hour early in the morning the following day. Going to take full advantage of my freedom at the event. Hopefully, I’ll have IShine, otherwise I’ll be feeling like death warmed up, lol, but ah well, whenever it gets shipped, it gets shipped, just have to wait!! NH. ---
**Author:** ![Night\_Hawk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/3bc359/32.png) [@Night\_Hawk](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Night_Hawk)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2016, 6:00am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/night_hawks-pheremone-journal/43688/248 "2016-12-01T06:00:45Z")
5:57am - 4 hours sleep done and dusted, yippee, yay, arf, wish my body would let me sleep longer, but nope, every single day bang on 4 hours of sleep, I wake up! Ask me how? Don’t even need to set an alarm (Unless I’m up in less than 4 hours, then it’s a case of having to; and even then, it takes me an hour to come fully to life if I have less than 4 hours sleep!). Anyhow… Got an update on the order - still processing. At least I know. Will sit back and wait. 🙂 Not in work till 2pm today, got a few hours to kill. Think I’ll fire up the WEGO4 and play some tunes. 😉 NH. ---
**Author:** ![Night\_Hawk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/3bc359/32.png) [@Night\_Hawk](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Night_Hawk)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2016, 6:42am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/night_hawks-pheremone-journal/43688/249 "2016-12-01T06:42:50Z")
Oh, while I’m thinking on. Have any of you guys tried the old ‘herbal’ remedies? In the old experimentation department, I thought I’d try something for an ‘all over’ energy boost. Wasn’t expecting what I got if I’m honest, lol. 😃 Got me a few little capsules from a health store. Now, I’m not into swallowing any form of tablet unless it comes in liquid, chewable or effervescent form; and well this was some form of potent herbal mess, lol! Yeah, I tipped the contents of one capsule onto a spoon mixed it with orange (fizzy) lucozade and proceeded to try and drink it. Yeah, that didn’t go too well on the 1st sip, haha, had to grab the bottle and do a few swigs!! Wow, it was like the cinnamon challenge (Google that one if you don’t know it!). Anyhow, persevered and had the lot with lovely swigs of the lucozade in between. Got a sudden rush of energy, felt like I’d been to the gym and done a full workout and still eager to go on. Aftertaste of herbs for about half an hour after and then it seemed to go. Stomach seemed fine with it, so I guess that’s a good thing. Couple of hours in, with my mind feeling like it was on ‘superdrive’ I decided to have my sleep (as posted above). I actually dropped off straight away, which normally takes a while to do; as I’m usually still looking at my photographic gallery before I go into deep sleep. Anyhow, woke up not long ago; and wow, something be a stirring down below. Morning wood has been, erm zapped with something, cos I don’t remember being that big, lol! I’m wondering what the heck these herbs actually do. I mean there’s not a whole lot of info on the box other than it gives you a ‘boost of energy’, ‘revitalizes’ and ‘helps with concentration’. So here’s the ingredients… Maca Red Ginseng Damiana Muira Puama Ginkgo Biloba Horny Goat Weed Saw Palmetto Berry Tribulus Terrestrial Says to take one capsule a day. Probably got enough here for a couple of weeks. Actually, as I type this, I can still smell the herbs on my hands, lol. That’s from a tiny amount I got on my fingers when separating the capsules. Have to say though, last night was the 1st time I hadn’t left the heater to blown hot air at me whilst sleeping, felt warm throughout for once, so am guessing these little things improve circulation in some way?!! Well, it’s certainly seemed to have stimulated the nether region, lol. So yeah, thought I’d share this one with you. Full on research and testing going on this week, hehe, makes a change from trying out those multi-vitamin things you get in the chemist that always have a taste of oranges or berries. Anyhow, I’ll try these capsules out for a few days, see if there’s any major changes in the ‘energy’ area as they claim; as did the girl in the store when she said, “All the students use them for concentration and energy.” I’m energetic anyhow, but heck, I’m game. Don’t actually know why I even went in there, lol, I normally just walk right on by any shop with the words “Health” on the front. Think it’s time for breakfast. Normally I don’t eat for hours after I get up, but for some reason, I’m hungry and I have this warm sensation currently going throughout my entire body. Not a bad warm, it’s quite nice. Speak soon. NH. ---
**Author:** ![Jdub](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/jdub/32/1399_2.png) [@Jdub](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Jdub)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2016, 6:52pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/night_hawks-pheremone-journal/43688/250 "2016-12-01T18:52:16Z")
I’ve tried basically all of the ‘old herbal remedies’ including all of those. They are basically just plants that contain certain compounds that induce certain responses in the body. The plant is then either ground to powder or has its compounds extracted, then packed in a pill, tablet, or whatever and then shipped off and sold as ‘energy supplemts’, ‘sex supplements’ or even ‘male enhancement’. They do work and the bigger the stack, i.e. The more herbs mixed together, the better the effect. Also the longer you take it the bigger the effect. With that stack you should feel increases in energy, increases in stamina (both increase in strength and endurance and increase in sexual stamina, being able to last longer before ejaculation), and increases in libido - getting way more horny. You should also feel adaptogenic effects. Adaptogens are compounds that help your body adapt to stress, both physical and mental. So even a hot day won’t feel as hot nor a cold day will feel as cold, and less irritability, better sleep quality, etc. The male enhancement part is actually sort of real. Usually dubbed ‘penis pills’ they are usually just a collection of these herbs. What it does is.. 1. the increase in libido makes you obviously get more frequent and better erections 2. the increase in blood flow obviously makes you get better erections 3. the adaptogen effects are what makes a man last longer sexually so if one is having sex that is more time for blood to enter and expand the chambers, so the more frequent, long duration sex ones has, the bigger it will seem to get over time. So after using this type of product for a while you notice that it actually gets bigger. But it didn’t grow per se. It just got filled to its maximum (or near maximum) with blood. Also, pertaining to the sexual part, you should notice ejaculation volume increasing significantly. The first time I ever tried a product like these many years ago I had a hot blonde girlfriend and we had great sex, but after I had been using this type of product for a few weeks it was crazy good like I was super bigger, rock hard, and actually had to have sex harder and faster just to be able to nut and it actually concerned me. I found myself having to focus really hard just to be able to but and it gave me headaches and made me lightheaded so I stopped taking the stuff haha. But this was long ago before I understood the science. Over the years I kept trying different herbs, mixing and matching, also trying the products sold online and now I have a good understanding of them. Nowadays I just go to my local Chinese herbalist and buy a few of these types of ingredients in dried plant form, for penny’s and the stuff last me months - I just make a tea with it. It’s good enough for me and cheap, but if I ever wanted to go Rambo on a woman I’d order some like this again. Haha. But it seems I never worry about pleasing a woman because the pheromones and stuff I wear just does all the work for me while I sit back and relax to them pleasuring me. But I will say this.. If you take anything with ‘Horny Goat Weed’ in it.. For long periods of time (like at least a few months everyday) sex will become the most pleasurable thing in the world! I’m careful not to take Horny Goat Weed nowadays because it makes me too damn horny and I’m not in a relationship, so that’s just too much sexual thoughts for me.. Haha ---
**Author:** ![Jdub](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/jdub/32/1399_2.png) [@Jdub](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Jdub)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2016, 7:15pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/night_hawks-pheremone-journal/43688/251 "2016-12-01T19:15:07Z")
Yes those essential oils are top notch stuff. They seem to work just like pheromones except no OD’ing, ghosting, or dose dependency. It’s quite simple to apply, just dab some on your wrists or neck or face or whatever skin is exposed. You generally will only need a few dabs of whatever it is you’re using. Each dab is like 1 drop, as if to drop a liquid from a dropper. If you don’t have a dropper, just pour slowly a little tiny bit, like a drops worth on your wrist, rub into your other wrist, then rub that up near your neck or face. Hedione smells great and has a light smell so no worry with this one. Neroli also smells really good, though not light, it still shouldn’t be an issue. Ylang Ylang is the one you got to be careful with, the smell is strong and an acquired smell so you want to be careful not to put too much. ---
**Author:** ![Night\_Hawk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/3bc359/32.png) [@Night\_Hawk](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Night_Hawk)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2016, 4:02am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/night_hawks-pheremone-journal/43688/252 "2016-12-02T04:02:07Z")
lmfao! So basically I’m in the possession of a sex enhancement drug?!! 😃 Well that explains why the girl in the store was laughing so much when she sold it to me. Only mentioned I had the works xmas night out/apartment, needed something to boost my energy. Bet she took that the opposite of what I was asking for, lol!! 🙄 It will also explain the strange behaviour in the downstairs area this afternoon! Everyone in work was like “What’s up, why you looking angry?” Actually, that was my “Holy Mother of God, not now!” face. That was after just one capsule taken last night as a test! In the end, I just turned into my normal crazy self. Actually, I think I was worse than normal. I stood up to the ‘shift manager from hell’ for a nice 6 hours. She likes to speak to the staff like we’re 4 and being naughty. Not me, not today. Every time she fired some comment my way, I’d fire something random right back. She’s in tomorrow, my shift again, can’t wait!! ‘X’s’ final shift tomorrow too. Not going to see her leave. Probably a good thing. I saw her today for a few minutes before she left. I’m going to guess she saw what I posted on the social media site yesterday. Was so tempted to give her my login here and say “Read from page 15 onwards; and if you want to speak to me at the event, then fine, if not, that’s fine too.” Didn’t do it though, still get nervous around her, still get that weird feeling. 🙄 Ah well, last time I shall see her is Monday night, anything can happen I guess. Actually, I might take another one of these herbal mixes in a minute, lol. Gonna eat something 1st not had anything all day; and am starving! I did feel that energy boost though, lasted for hours, even after being asleep, but around 9pm I got really tired; and I mean, really tired! I could compare it to the ‘crash’ feeling we get with iShine x2 strength, albeit with iShine, I’d just spray more, when I start yawning; and then I’d be awake and focused for a few more hours!! Home now from work; and my gentleman’s sausage still feels more alive than normal, lol. This stuff really lasts in your system! 😮 😃 I have to add this… Thanks JDub, that is one very detailed post regarding the ‘old herbal remedies’, thank you. 🆒 I’ve never thought of trying it in the ‘tea’ form, might give it a go. Can’t be any worse than what I can only describe as the ‘cinnamon challenge’ lol. Would you believe the scent of those herbs are still present on my hands. If I’m honest, I smelled that darn scent when I went anywhere hot in work today, but I cannot fault it as a product. It deffo gave me that energy boost the girl in the store mentioned, it made me alert for a fair few hours, albeit I came down with a sudden ‘crash’ effect out of nowhere; and the self-effect in other places, well, erm, yeah. I’m actually, as I type this, finding that one amusing for some reason, lol. As for the post on applying the essential oils, thanks again for posting info on that. Like I’ve said time and time again, never used oil products, wasn’t too sure how to use them, but with your post, now I do, so thank you. 😉 Good news (hopefully). I’ve just seen the DHL tracker, says the parcel has been ‘picked up’ with an expected delivery date of Monday - Damn this is gonna be soooo close!! Fingers crossed on this one actually happening, cos it will be one hell of a night if that arrives when it says it’s due!! 😃 Still waiting on the essential oils to ship, surprised at that one, considering it’s UK based (albeit, payment went out yesterday, so probably why there’s a delay), but if AD’s order gets here 1st hell, I can wait; and if they both get here - Hello!! 🆒 …and I’m still awake, lol, 4am here, got in from work near 11pm. _shakes head_ Right, time for food, speak soon. NH. ---
**Author:** ![Night\_Hawk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/3bc359/32.png) [@Night\_Hawk](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Night_Hawk)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2016, 5:31pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/night_hawks-pheremone-journal/43688/253 "2016-12-02T17:31:00Z")
So, ‘X’ was on shift when I arrived, well she was clocked off waiting to go home! Couldn’t say anything, much, as she was in the crew room with a few others. Yeah bottled out of giving her access to this journal, would deffo be an eye opener and probably made a lot of things more clearer to her, but ah well. Said along the lines of "Good luck. And “see you Monday.” Don’t know how that’s gonna go but my focus will be on the music. Anyhow, I took one of those herbals again, jeebus they make warm throughout for hours. Everyone is cold in work, I’m glowing, lol!! Took it not long after my last post, energy boost is unreal! Eek. 1 minute over my break time as I write this lol. Speak soon. NH. ---
**Author:** ![Night\_Hawk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/3bc359/32.png) [@Night\_Hawk](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Night_Hawk)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2016, 9:01am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/night_hawks-pheremone-journal/43688/254 "2016-12-03T09:01:15Z")
8:16am. Can’t sleep yet again; and I’m back in work at midday. Just taken that blue capsule in a mug of lucozade again. 3rd one so far this week and have seen a significant change in myself. Energy is a lot different, seem to have more of it for up to 15+ hours at least! It makes me warm all over from the minute I start drinking it. Face gets a little tingly, but I can live with it. Deffo think I could do that cinnamon challenge it it was presented to me, lol, Day One was a different story, lol!! 😃 JDub, you were right, it does change you in other areas, noticed a slight change anyhow. Think it may help with blood circulation, I’m usually permanently cold, not noticed that yesterday; and right now as I type this I’m practically on fire. Can see the veins in my hands, lol, actually looks like the blood is getting around for once, they’re also quite hot. It’s the after effects in an hour or so that makes me laugh like a kid that’s been naughty! 😃 One of the female staff members called me a “Horny B\*\*\*\*\*d” yesterday, wasn’t aware that I was being, if anything, I was trying to hide from ‘X’ as every time someone saw me anywhere near her, I got the “Aw, are you gutted this is her last day?” Yes, yes I am, but even though there’s a slim chance of anything happening on Monday, at least in a way I might actually be able to get to say “Goodbye” without all the hassle. O----kay, these herbs are reacting faster than I expected they would!! Weren’t this quick the last two days, lol. This thing better go into ‘soft mode’ before midday, lol. Looks like I’ll be on a shift with all the good staff/managers, so actually looking forward to today’s shift. Have to say though, this herbal, it reminds me of IJerk. There’s was a point throughout the day that I just didn’t care what was being thrown at me, came to stand my ground and give hell back. I had two customers that well, they like to think they’re hard because they sell drugs, etc; and are forever threatening staff, me included, but last night, still on the effects of ‘herbal’ I just didn’t give a damn! One of them reminds me of Trevor Philips from GTA 5, exactly the same build, look and mannerisms of the character in the game, so you can imagine what we’re being faced with, lol. 😉 But yeah, I didn’t care, served him and his overgrown male friend; and they sat in, kept looking over at me. I just smiled, waved at one point, which made them laugh and carried on with my work, not a care in the World! Anyhow, enough of that lovely job. Actually no, I told that manager I’m friends with that I nearly applied for that BT job. He was telling me I should well be a manager now in my place of work. Yes, he’s right, I should, but at’s down to the salaried management to put me on the courses; and all I’m seeing is the 18 year olds getting promoted, yet they’re all saying that they don’t want to progress or take on the extra responsibility. Don’t know why, but most of the managers come to me to sort out the problems, or they ask me advice via the PM section of my social media account. Say a lot really when the managers employed to do a job, have to ask the crew trainer on how to do certain aspects of the work, or where to get paperwork from or other stupid questions. They even ask me to help them complete their management courses as they find the questions too hard to answer, lol. Laziness, pure laziness on their part. I take the time to learn everything that I need to do the job. Doesn’t really take me long, as my memory just holds the info forever, lol. But yeah, I’d love to move up the ladder, but I don’t think it will ever come. I personally don’t think they want to pay me the higher wage that I’d be on. This is one of the reasons I started looking elsewhere. That BT job was pretty darn good and they still have the positions advertised. I did say to my friend that I didn’t want to ‘bump’ in to ‘X’ with her thinking “Jeebus, this guy is stalking me!” 😮 🙄 Pretty certain she wouldn’t think that, but there’s always that slight chance that she might; and it’s the only thing stopping me from applying. I guess maybe I should tell/ask her on Monday in my hours of sorrow. Actually no, I’m gonna be positive, have the time of my life. Let’s face it, when I’m at home, I’m either online here or, playing DJ or, both at the same time, lol. 😃 Whilst I think on,DHL has landed in the UK, with a message sent to my mobile this morning saying the parcel is due for Monday. Gawd I hope so!! If it comes, I’m making up a few batches of different things. Going to make that voodoo mix from 2010, I think it was my 1st one, but as we all know I had the time of my life with it, so am tempted to do it all again. Who know what will happen, hahaha!! 😉 I’ll probably try the TAC TUTH and P96, in some form of combo. I know you said try it as a 2 combo mix, but I’ve tried TAC and TUTH together already and well, I think it’s time to see what all the fuss ver P96 is!! 🙂 Well the energy/focus has well and truly kicked it. Feel wide awake already. Veins in my hands seem to be going back to normal albeit my hands are still roasting - not complaining!! Think I’m going to try and force a couple of hours sleep. Don’t know if it will work, but going to try. Speak soon. NH. ---
**Author:** ![Night\_Hawk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/3bc359/32.png) [@Night\_Hawk](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Night_Hawk)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2016, 11:00pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/night_hawks-pheremone-journal/43688/255 "2016-12-04T23:00:26Z")
So, it’s the night before the night of entertainment! 😃 🆒 I’ve got my bags packed, need to get me some alcohol for the apartment, as well, we’re all to bring something. 😉 Probably means I’ll have a backpack for carrying it, plus my Pioneer DJ controller bag; and I bought a rather sturdy gym bag tonight which is housing my Pioneer speakers, Laser/light and all the necessary wires, plus, mic and headphones. That bag weighs a fair bit, but a promise is a promise; and that’s one thing I do not break!! Said I’d provide the music and that is just what I intend to do!! Anyhow, what’s the news up to now then? Well, didn’t take that herbal mix yesterday/today. Must admit, the one noticeable side effect was still trying to work on and off today, lol, but the ‘crash effect’ well, had to have a day off from trying it. Still, it does give you one hell of an energy boost, which lasts for hours! I guess it is supposed to do that for obvious reasons, lol! 😃 Might actually take one with me tomorrow. Got a feeling they’re all gonna be on the nitrous canisters. Not something I myself would try or do, seen a detailed CDC medical report of what happens when you suck that stuff out of a party balloon. Major bad side effects aside, for that few seconds it apparently gives the person a quick ‘buzz’, it is in fact starving the brain of oxygen and that apparent ‘cool’ feeling is actually the user experiencing asphyxiation. Yeah, think I’ll continue to give that one a miss!! 😮 Still, I’m keeping a watchful eye on the DHL tracker. Everything has gone through customs, so I’m awaiting for the next step to say it has left in a few hours towards my City. If it gets here by a certain time in the morning, it will be delivered to me tomorrow. _Fingers crossed_ If it doesn’t, well at least I’ll have plenty of iShine to sort out the hangover from hell when I get home on Tuesday, albeit, I’d love to have that with me. If it does arrive, well that P96 is getting tested!! I know there was mention to test [Molecule C](https://a314.com/product/molecule-c/) and TUTH together 1st before adding the P96, but erm, already done that, it’s in this journal somewhere!! 😉 I think what I’ll probably end up doing is taking a few mixes in 2-Go’s and apply them throughout the night. Probably have one contain CTTM V2.0, IShine, IOpenness; and I haven’t decided what else, lol. Think I may have to go back to Page 1 and look at what I used on that ‘magical’ night 6 years back! Never have I attracted so many people on one night, anywhere, lol, might just have to mix up that mix again, hehe. P74 and P83, I’ve used those in combo with good results before. Has to be done again! 😛 Erm, Molecule C, TUTH and P96. Think I might OD, what with everything else, lol?!! 😕 Either that, or I’ll get mauled! Not too fussed if I do or don’t, albeit I’ll be focused on one thing, well, one thing, one person, but really, I think reality is looking like I’m going to be one lonely guy for sometime. Trying to forget someone is impossible. I’ve tried it for the past month (since the unfriending), found that I can’t. I only need one person to mention ‘X’s’ name, show me a picture, or even see her; and all of those feelings come rushing back! Don’t actually know how I’m going to get through tomorrow night if I’m honest! Think I’ll just have to look at the floor or something. Actually, nope, got the lighting system. Once I activate the lasers, damn, it really is like being in the matrix, lol. I expect Neo to make an appearance, hehe. 😉 As I type this, I’m still putting together the mammoth track/set list. Winging it just isn’t an option. Everyone has told me what they want; and whilst I could happily play EDM (Ultra/EDC/Tomorrowland)/Hardstyle (DEFQON 1) music all night, I have to cater for the ones that like dance/chart (Billboard) music. Even been asked for xmas songs and 90’s music. God help me, can it get any slower?!! May slip a couple of my own tracks in there, well, probably need ‘X’s’ permission to play her’s, don’t want her getting harassed. It’ll probably happen at some point, as the boys will always be boys; and I have a feeling some of the haters will be there. Ah well, it’s all about having a good time and ensuring everyone else has a damn fine good time too!! Anyhow, getting some food, so might pop back in later and continue with my thoughts. Got leave until Friday, yes, means no need to worry about work Tuesday morning, like I usually have every year. Can actually put my hair down this year, finally. Gonna definitely be partying hard, no going home for me, hehehe!! 😃 🆒 NH. ---
**Author:** ![Night\_Hawk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/3bc359/32.png) [@Night\_Hawk](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Night_Hawk)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2016, 2:25pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/night_hawks-pheremone-journal/43688/256 "2016-12-07T14:25:21Z")
So, for whatever reason, I should of posted this last night as I’ve been sat in the ‘preview’ section since 7pm, lol, sorry. Think I went to sleep. Anyhow, this is my account of Monday night… It’s the morning after the night before - again!! Big, big difference though! Yeah the DJ set went pretty well. Well, to be honest, the person arranging the apartment said not to bring my gear minutes before I left, as they apparently had a sound system in the kitchen/seating area, but said if I did bring it, I could use it in the upstairs bedrooms! Yeah I took it alright; and all the guys wanted it downstairs, but orders are orders and I took it up to a big room, 4 single beds, one double. All the guys made me a makeshift DJ booth out of bed side tables, lol. One had me Live streaming to the planet, not bad I guess for a 1st live gig in a fair few years. Sound from the speakers were unreal, didn’t even have them turned up more than half way; and that was loud. Demonstrated their actual volume capacity a few times throughout the night to show people just how powerful the DM-40W’s are! Lighting system was fun. Anyhow, ‘X’ I think is definitely in the ‘friend’ zone, well, maybe. Was the last time I saw her; and sadly, what with the mayhem and her being in constant close proximity to one of her friends all night, the ability to speak to her properly didn’t come around. ☹ I tried near towards the end of the night, but to no avail. Think she just wanted sleep, she was starting her new job today at 9am; and @ around 3am-ish everyone was moved upstairs to the room I was DJing in, so that she; and a handful of others could get some rest. As for mones, yeah, well the courier arrived some time in the night, so I was out with that mad mix I made up last week. It was like an IShine mix of destruction, in a good way. Didn’t smell of neroli, more a light floral fragance; and what with everyone around me on nitrous oxide and balloons with the words “Happy Meal” printed on the side, well, yeah, they were all happy indeed. I took those blue capsules with me, well to be precise. Probably should of taken a 3rd, but I’ve only ever tried one a day, as that’s what is written on the packet. By god do they give you energy. I’d had a lot to drink; and by way I mean a lot, well, we started drinking in the apartment from 7pm and then went to the venue, then back to the apartment, at which point one of our managers started live streaming me, lol. Yeah, I did make one little mistake whereby I hit the ‘pause’ button to get a horrid vinyl brake noise come on as the track powered down. A second to realise I’d hit it; and then restart it back up. 🙄 I guess we’re all allowed to make 1 mistake, anything more and it would of been a train wreck; and safe to say the rest of the night went down really well. Had people doing karaoke, had people beatboxing; I just had a blast! Don’t know if you guys can see this, although it is shared with the ‘Public’, so maybe… [https://www.facebook.com/adam.birkett.94/videos/vb.768336583/10154832933001584/?type=3](https://www.facebook.com/adam.birkett.94/videos/vb.768336583/10154832933001584/?type=3) Side-tracked again!! Blue capsules, yeah. Energy boost, most definitely! 100% focus, oh yes!! They made me feel like I hadn’t been drinking! 😮 😃 Don’t ask me how, but within a few minutes of drinking the 1st one around 9pm-ish, I was awake and lively. Considering I was drinking it mixed in cider, probably not the best of ideas, lol, (Although the box says you can drink alcohol), certainly got those on the nitrous around me going “What the heck is THAT?!!” 😃 Someone said “Viagra,” lol, close, but no cigar. Actually, no, he’d of gotten half a cigar. I think it was a meal in itself, lol, nothing like eating a few vegetables/herbs when you’re hungry, a light snack maybe, hehe. 😉 Definitely makes you warm, but like I said in the other posts, I think it’s good for circulation. I was in a short-sleeved shirt/trousers/shoes and had to walk a mile from the apartment to the venue in a 2C slight wind temperature. Didn’t feel it, not one bit. If anything, I was still DJing in my head and was singing out loud to every passerby, lmao, not a care in the World. Even did the piano number of “Swedish House Mafia - I wanna Know Your Name,” in the middle of the street! Yeah, I was that gone on drink (and a little blue capsule), but in a way I was really, really happy! Wish I’d spoken to ‘X’, but from what it looked like, she was being protected by one of our friends (a female manager), I know they’re good friends anyhow, could just of been me looking at something that wasn’t there, but still, felt like I couldn’t speak to her until briefly right near the end, before she went to sleep. Actually, on going back through all the photos/videos (which are uploading at the request of my colleagues to my social media a/c, as I type), it would turn out that she wasn’t asleep downstairs as I 1st thought, but in fact in the room next to ours! Wish I’d of known, otherwise I’d of lowered the music right down. Only found out after the hijinxs started and well, what does one do, when someone falls asleep (This being the male members of the group, not ‘X’)? Answer, video everyone doing all kinds to that poor person, like covering their body with every duvet, pillow, bag that they can find, then do the Harlem Shake all around them! Actually we did a few weird videos, some statue craze or something going around, had eery music to back it too; and even that took a few goes to perfect, lol. 😃 Man, after that 2nd capsule wore off, I thought, “Man, this is gonna not end well!” Sudden ‘crash effect’ hit me; and it hit me hard! Took to one of my favourite places I’ve come to sleep on over the years - a windowsill in the kitchen. Only a handful of us left by this time, my music was off, one guy was drenched from an ice bucket challenge with a difference. The difference being, he didn’t have a clue he was going to be drowned head to foot as he left the room we where in!! 😃 That’s when I found out that ‘X’ was in the room next to us, as he went it there to take his top off; and that’s when I saw her and told him to leave, let her sleep. Yeah, I’m still a caring dude. One of the girls ever commented, “How can ‘X’ still look so beautiful even when she’s asleep?!” I’m guessing all angels do! 🙂 So, yeah, I was fighting sleep, sat above the only heater in the building, listening to music being streamed through the apartments sound system via someones phone, hoing to god I wasn’t next to be targeted, lol. Don’t think I got 30 mins, what with the sound of C02 canisters going off to fill balloons every few minutes and ‘X’ walking is, looking bright as if she’d never had one drink all night. Maybe she didn’t, don’t know, but she filled the room with energy, or at least that could of just been those feelings I get around her, but I came alive so darn quick! After that, the few that were with me in the kitchen looked at making a move to leave, so it was time for me to dismantle my equipment. Fastest breakdown of gear I’ve ever done! 5 mins max, all packed up ready to go; and with that we all got taxis together and left. Well, our group did. I’ve just seen a post on the social media site that one awoke to find a team of cleaners stood over him, trying to work out if he was dead or not around midday, lol!! 😃 He was the last to leave! So, yeah, that was last night; and now it’s 19:14pm here in the UK, as I finish this account of last night/this morning up. It was by far the best night of the year; and I would happily do it again, even the DJing, if asked!! Now I need to go downstairs and show my face to the parents, don’t want them thinking I’ve died, lol. Also got to get my parcel and see what delights I have inside. Essential oils are still on their way in the post; as is the USB. Will probably have to give that to the female manager to pass along. For now, bye. NH. ---
**Author:** ![Night\_Hawk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/3bc359/32.png) [@Night\_Hawk](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Night_Hawk)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2016, 4:12pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/night_hawks-pheremone-journal/43688/257 "2016-12-07T16:12:14Z")
…and back to today, Wednesday 7th December, 2016. So, yeah, that was the best night of my life, amongst friends, having a great time and showing them all how to DJ. 1,000GBP of equipment and yeah, I was crazy enough to let them all loose on it, but that’s me as always, trusting; and you know what, despite others I work with whom weren’t at the apartment telling me it would get wrecked. You know what, it really hasn’t, they were all respectful of my property, even those that I said could use it in my absence whilst at the venue!! There’s lots of pictures and videos on the social media site of everyone having a real good time, both whilst I was at the other venue; and whilst at the apartment. Cannot express how good a night it was!! Well, thought I’d stop by as the Essential oils just arrived. 🙂 I’m looking at my shelf as I type, seems I’ve put all but 2 of my AD mones to the left (The ‘don’t touch this area or use in work’ section) and the 2 on the right being IShine and [P74](https://pheromonelabs.com/product/p74/), lol. I guess in my moments of feeling low from not speaking to ‘X’ I’ve placed those out of reach. Unusual for me, I can’t remember placing them on there, let alone taking them out of the box. There is however a post on my media a/c… > [@](#): > > Posted 4am, 7th December, 2016: > I love A.D. (R&D)! Opening up the package to discover they’ve sent me chocolate with their MX range, how do they know I love the stuff?!! I’ve eaten one already, lol, got another looking right back at me as I type - that’s breakfast taken care of then, lol. No really, any freebies are great, but to receive edible items and in the form of chocolate (My Favourite food in the World!!), I’m very, very, grateful!! 😃 On top of that, It would seem I’ve had a couple of upgrades on my order. IShine came in double strength, as did IOpeness, cannot complain, so thank you AD/Shipping. I’m not back in work till Saturday, managed to take a few days off. Think I need them, that’s for sure. I haven’t got a hangover, but damn yesterday, that ‘crash’ effect I got from those herbal capsules, damn, that was not nice!! Lasted for a few hours, opened the iShine and as per usual, the suffering ended. Then, around 2 am this morning I decided to unpack all my DJ gear; and ended up playing on it till 6am this morning, lol. Then _WHAM_ that crash effect hit me again; and I’ve literally just woken up!! 😮 JDub, you’re right, it does make a difference the longer you use them. Probably wasn’t expecting massive, if any, results in this short period of time, especially now that I know their actual intended purpose, lol, as I tend to see it more in the morning if anything; and it just won’t go down for hours! I actually see that purpose as a side effect, lol. Don’t ask me why, because like the girl in the store said (Whilst laughing her head off), “They’re great for giving an energy boost!” Yeah, she got that one right! Only takes a few mouthfuls and you can feel this sudden rush of blood/energy throughout your body. It’s the ‘buzz’ effect it gives to my head which probably makes me like it more, much like a stimulant, it gives you a great feeling throughout my entire body, certainly puts a smile on my face. It really does make you more alert than normal. That’s probably not the best thing for me with a photographic memory already, I certainly seem to be holding a lot more images from the night out than in previous years. My head must of been properly active, especially after taking 2 capsules in total!! I can only compare it to the drink red bull and the tablets pro plus and well, taking the two together (which I did in large quantities in 1998 when working 112 hour working weeks - that was tough work in management. Every aspect of the job came first, sleep wasn’t allowed until it was all done!!), but without the taste of caffeine, without the rapid heartbeat, without the horrid feeling of wanting to be sick! Nope, none of that with these capsules; and that for me is a 1st. Actually, for me, I wouldn’t normally try any form of drug. Sure, I’ve been a lab rat for medical research in the past, I guess we all saw that as a quick means to get rapid cash; and as a student on virtually no income, that was something that those of us daft enough to do it, came to see as means to do pretty much anything we wanted. Downside; and the reason I stopped, there was one trial were the ‘volunteers’ before us, well, whatever they were given didn’t go down too well; and those of us watching went “_Bleep_ that, not in a million years are you giving us that!” 😮 Even worse, you were never told what the heck it was they were giving us, you literally signed your life away in the form of lengthy paperwork to say you had no health issues, weren’t on drugs/excessive alcohol (HA, that’s a laugh, imagine asking a student about their consumption of alcohol? That one is never going to be accurate, lol!). Actually, I probably should of told them I had an allergy to eggs, the highest level in fact, but nah, money is money and some things the risk might be present, but it can be worth it! As I’ve said in other posts, if by what I’ve done in the trials over the years has helped in some way shape or form, gone to roll out treatments to others in making them better, etc, then it has been worth it! 🙂 From the above, I then went into the ‘online’ research World, far easier, no needles - hate those things with a passion - in biomedical research. It was something I enjoyed more than sitting in an isolation room for a week, wondering if my college/Uni friends/lecturers where concerned for my whereabouts, lol. Always seemed to get away with telling them I’d gone home to see family/on holiday abroad, etc. I guess it was a case of having to keep it quiet, after all, it was in my contract not to say anything! But, for me to take anything other than these capsules, not a chance. I was getting offered those nitrous canisters all night, kept refusing. To be honest I’ve never tried them; and as much as I have to admit, the thought is there to try it out once and see what all the fuss is about, I’ve read a US CDCP report on Nitrous Oxide; and quite frankly, the contents was pretty darn frightening. So, yeah, that’s why I always say “No” to anyone offering me it. To be fair, I’ve read lots of reports about lots of different things since 1998 and contributed to them also, so I’m really aware that some things are best left well alone; and when I hear friends comment on them using said drugs, I think “Jeebus, do I tell them what MAY happen? Do I watch them have their fun? Am I going to have to administer CPR in the near future?” CPR, that’s something I never want to do. I’m trained on it, have been since the MOD days, drummed into all of us; and then again about 4 years back by my current employers as part of their training programme, so I know what I’m doing when it comes to emergency situations; and I’ve had my fair share of those over the years, I can tell you!! Anyhow, I’ve gone way, way, way off track of what I was talking about! 🙄 I suppose this is what happens when I see all these memories before me. Wouldn’t mind one day off from it, although, I’d probably be lost without it, lol. So whilst I sit here and ponder on what to do for the next few days, because let’s face it, I’m an adrenalin junkie, love doing things that most people my age wouldn’t even consider. Probably cos they’ve settled down, or as I see from many of my friends, had the ‘life zapped out of them’. Yep, that’s not me, probably never will, well, not yet anyhow. Got too many plans for next year, want to get abroad again, Ibiza is deffo on the cards, lol. Never been, but all those videos I see of the clubs, it’s got to be done. Always wanted to go to DEFQON 1 in Holland, so might have to do that one. Could be the start of something monumental, lol. 😃 What can I say, I live for music, and it is my intention to get out and attend as many music events as possible, whether being on my own, with friends (albeit mine can just about keep up to the dulcet tones of the bar jukebox), or work colleagues, I don’t know, but I have to do it, I want to do it. No, I will do it!! 🆒 And with that, I bid you a fewell for a few hours. Got the essential package to take a look at, so will be back later with an update on what has come. NH. ---
**Author:** ![Night\_Hawk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/3bc359/32.png) [@Night\_Hawk](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Night_Hawk)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2016, 4:00am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/night_hawks-pheremone-journal/43688/258 "2016-12-08T04:00:51Z")
Back after yet another sleep!! All I can say is, either this is the effects of the capsules, or that was one hell of a drinking session on Monday! Saying that, I used the mad mix of mones I made up last week and combined with the capsules it made me come even more alive than normal. 100% focus on everything around me; and by everything I mean literally everything!! I don’t think I’ll be looking at one of my manager’s in the same way again. I cannot for the life of me get the images out of my head from the venue were she was sat next to me in a dress that well, let’s just say it kept revealing her breasts, up to the point where she lifted up one of the straps, looks at me, says “NH, look!” pulls the strap down then told me to feel - yeah I did, I’m bad, I know. Probably worse, from replaying these memories was that ‘X’ was sat right opposite watching on! 😮 Okie. 🙄 I keep having endless flashbacks of the whole night, I feel like a walking video camera on recall, probably one of the reasons I keep going back to sleep - my head simply can’t take it! It’s natural that I fall asleep when I get an overload, kind of the fail safe in the event that I cannot cope with what I’m seeing, even if the visuals are good. It’s like a full on MMO VR gone OTT. Not much of it is playing in real time, most of it is going on loop at speed - nightmare. I mean I’ve had loop replays before, actually I get them several times a day, mostly it’s one song (I want to dance - edm remix) that I hear over and over, which blocks out all audio around me (reality), so when someone could be saying something to me, I’m not hearing a word, just hearing that song. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a catchy song, but I’ve heard it now for 7 months solid, every single day; and it even got played at the apartment on Monday, when one of the managers found it in the music library and put it on. Now it’s 2:15am, and I can’t say I’m awake fully. It’s hot as hell in this room of mine, sat in briefs and a pair of socks, yeah it’s THAT hot!! Still feel weird, slightly out of it. Hell, it’s Thursday, I shouldn’t be feeling like this! Don’t think it’s a cold, don’t have any of those symptoms, so don’t know what the heck it is? Could still be this memory loop, as it is still going. I’m trying not to look up at the wall/ceiling in front of me, as every time I do, I just see a bank of visuals. Actually, I keep seeing ‘X’. Just snapshots in between everything else, including when she was sleeping. I really didn’t know she was in the room next to us, thought she was downstairs sleeping, feel kind of bad, as up to that point the music in our room next door had been fairly loud. Turned it right down as soon as I realised, had to fight over the volume control a few times as others kept trying to higher it back up!! Even when the hijinxs kicked in with one guy getting the ice bucket challenge launched at him, did I tell him to leave the room ‘X’ was in. She needed her sleep, new job starting that day, hope it went well for her! 🙂 It would appear nitrous wasn’t all some were taking, actually quite surprised looking back at what went on. On recall, I get to see the whole room, not just what I was looking at, at the time. Don’t ask me how it works, or why it happens, I’ve been asking myself those questions since my accident when I was 10! To this day, I don’t know what those tests were that the ‘experts’ had me look at over and over. The weird kaleidoscope things on monitors was the worst, kept seeing flashing images every now and then in between them, to the point that my head would go into a trance-like state. After watching, they’d ask me a series of questions, most made no sense at all, but it would seem I’d know the answer; and then I’d be told that my brain was “Very active!” 6 months I put up with that. Back and forth from our Base to the Military Hospital. It was like a mini village and slap bang in between a USAF Base and a Joint Headquarters of another Base that had every Military Nationality from different countries all working there. Even our 2nd high school (Once you reached a certain age you moved to the 2nd school) was based there, which was to the best part of an hour to get to every day. Even after the 6 months of facial reconstructive surgery, the visual tests, the endless needles of blood tests (Did I say I hated needles?!!); and cocktails of whatever it was they said was to help fight infection/rejection - don’t ask me, don’t know what the heck they meant by ‘rejection’ - as far as I’m aware, I never recieved any form of transplant! I have trialled the 1st run of ‘pixie dust’ wow does that heal you quick, but back then it didn’t contain the DNA of the person being treated. Now it does. But for the remainder of the 4 and a half years I lived out in Germany, I was constantly called up for ‘tests’ in what they called a check-up. To date, I know off by heart that colourblind booklet, the white dot test and the eye examination chart. The booklet and the chart I literally can close my eyes and just rattle off everything in it, even the nice images in the centre fold (well 4 pages) of the colourblind book. I find it kind of amusing whenever I see that book and say out loud “Not this again!” Then start reciting off what the pages are before what person is testing it on me, lol. I did actually pish one doctor off a couple of years ago, where he told me to “Wait,” so that we could start the test. Sorry dude, but whenever I see that book with all the nice numbers and bugs/butterfly, I just want to rattle it off so that I don’t actually have to look at it again!! Still today, I’m like a walking talking version of Google. The strange thing is, every now and then something will pop into my head, it could be anything, a word, a symbol, image, code and well, I actually turn to one of the 4 search engines to look it up. Kind of freaky when the answer then pops up on the screen!! Some of it is basic things, you’d think “Okie, nice to know.” Other things make me think “Woah, what the heck is that doing in my head? How did that get there? Who or what put it there?” Yeah, you’re probably thinking I’m nuts and in many ways, over the years I’ve come to think the same thing, but then, I look at what I see, I keep pretty much all of it to myself, don’t share it and attempt to just get on with life. Still, I’m curious about where some of what I know/see has come from. It’s answers I don’t think I will ever get, if I’m honest, wouldn’t know who or where to go to find out. More to the point, what if I did find someone to tell me, what then? I’m still stuck with it, no chance of it ending. Anyhow, all that aside. I opened the parcel of the essential oils. OH MY WORD!! 😮 Well, thought I’d do the ‘sniff’ test see what each product was like. First up, hedione. No scent whatsoever - interesting. Says, “Perfume material” on the label. Next the freebie ‘Natural isolate - Indole Natural’. Holy mother of God, I coughed, spluttered and choked on smelling the top of the bottle! I think it’s safe to say that’s a chemical weapon right there!! 😮 No idea what the heck I’m going to do with that, so will have to do a _lot_ more research on it, before I decide!! Says is tiny writing at the bottom of the label, “Indole 1% in ethanol SAMPLE.” Next, ‘Ylang Ylang 1 100% Pure Essential Oil’. I’m getting a liquorice like floral scent. Strong, but not as lethal as the above Indole Natural! Lastly, ‘Natural Isolate - Nerolidol N.I’. It’s not as sweet as the [Neroli](https://a314.com/product-category/scented/androtics-neroli/) products we get from AD, smells like orange rind, light, (Think I may be able to smell the oil, although not too sure). All four bottles have the same info on them in tiny writing on the side of the label. I actually had to read it twice as it is like size 3 font, yep tiny, and I misread one of the words the 1st time around! Anyhow, this is what the labels state: > [@](#): > > Essential oils and absolutes should not be ingested or applied neat to the skin. Do not use during pregnancy. Keep away from children and pets. Avoid contact with plastics and polished surfaces. Not tested on animals. So, after reading Conj’s posts of dabbing hedione on to the skin, I’m wondering now if that’s a good idea with these products that I have, lol, or has Conj got something special/different to this potent mix I now have sat before me?!! There’s nothing to suggest on storage, although I’ve seen on other forums/research groups that they should be kept in a cold environment. This room, right now, is anything but cold!! 🙄 Right now, all I can smell is the Ylang Ylang; and I’ve had that resealed with the screw on lid for over 20 minutes now, so either it’s in the air, or my nose has taken a battering, lol. Certainly clears your sinuses, but saying that, I’m beginning to get tired again, so I think it’s time for another sleep! 😮 Don’t think I’ve had this much sleep in a long time, so not used to it!! Anyhow, any feedback on these new products, I’m all ears! NH. ---
**Author:** ![Night\_Hawk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/3bc359/32.png) [@Night\_Hawk](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Night_Hawk)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2016, 3:51pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/night_hawks-pheremone-journal/43688/259 "2016-12-08T15:51:02Z")
**14:33pm (UK/GMT time).** Just done a ‘dab’ test of hedione to my left antecubital fossa. Yes, I know it says on the label not to apply directly to the skin, but what the heck, eh, been a guinea pig before (and am still here to tell the tail), may as well be a guinea pig again!! 😉 😃 So, one drop of hedione essential oil ‘perfume material’ to a cotton ball and dabbed to the skin. No scent at all from the hedione, unlike the other 3 products (yet to test). If anything, I’m getting a slight smell of olive oil? Or, something of similar scent. **14:43.** No redness/skin reaction so far. Looks like it has absorbed/dried into my skin. No residue of oil, either! **14:50.** Another ‘dab’ test. New piece of cotton ball. 2 drops this time. Applied to the same arm, but on my wrist. Oil more visible on this part of the skin. No initial reaction to application! **1453.** Checking the antecubital region again. Still no signs of reaction (Good). Oil still visible of wrist region. May have signs of absorbing into skin, will continue to observe. No visible signs of oil scent in the air. May just linger slightly on application? Oil scent seems to have dissipated shortly after application anyhow. **14:55.** Still no signs of reaction from either ‘test application’ area! oil on wrist appears to be drying, like that of the antecubital area. (Interesting). **14:57.** Comparison of both arms side by side to check for any colour changes/skin reactions - none observed. **15:00.** Feeling of ones self - no adverse reactions, feel normal. **15:03.** Still signs of the oil on the centre part of my wrist. Still no sign of redness, veins look normal. Looks like this test has been successful so far. **15:04.** 3 dabs applied to right antecubital region. **15:06.** Radial nerve slightly raised 20 seconds after application. **15:10.** Radial nerve seems to have returned to normal. Left arm (wrist), no visible signs of application to left antecubital region. Left wrist almost dry, No visible scent from either arm. Not even any scent of the oil! **15:14.** Right antecubital observation. Appears to be absorbing into the skin faster than the left antecubital test. **15:15.** 4 dabs applied to right wrist region. Left wrist still showing signs of oil. Rubbed in oil to skin with right index finger. No visible signs now of product on left wrist! **15:18.** Still no reactions to skin of either arm! Nerves appear to be normal on both arms/wrists. No numbness. No signs of headaches/tiredness. Stood up out of chair, no dizziness! Feel normal on all counts!! **15:20.** Attempt to ‘sniff’ test left arm - no detection of hedione scent or oil base. **15:21.** Still no reactions to right antecubital or wrist region. Both arms/wrists look normal. **15:22.** Rubbed right wrist area with left index finger in same manner as left wrist, until oil isn’t visible. Due to more oil applied to region, the rubbing action spread along the forearm area until no sign of visibility. **15:26.** Observation of both arms appear to be normal. No side effects observed! (Good). **15:28.** Applied 1 (2 x strength) spray of iShine to the left antecubital area and 1 (2x strength) spray of iShine to the right wrist area. WOW, neroli alert!! 😃 🆒 **15:30.** No visible reactions to the application points (1 ‘dab’ test area; and 4 ‘dab’ test area). iShine has made me very alert - am used to only using 1 X strength! **15:33.** 1-hour test of application points - conclusion: Having carried out this test, I can only state that applying this product via a ‘dab’ method using cotton wool balls appears in the 1st instant to not cause any reactions. Applying a cover scent also has no reaction to the said product. Will now look at testing this in the field, in various settings, over the next 2 weeks, including different application points. 🙂 I’ve seen Conj’s journal on his application points were he applies it to different parts of his neck/behind the ears, etc. Will probably follow the same method (but _12 dabs_, woah there dude!!), not going to be as excessive as that, lol!! 😮 Testing locations, at the moment, I don’t know. Will probably go out to the City centre tomorrow at some point. We’re expecting high winds/rain in the afternoon, so it will be an early dart if I’m to go. Possibly a good time to try out a ‘low level’ application test. Don’t think work will be the right setting for this kind of test (unless anyone wants to offer their own thoughts on this?). Speak soon. NH. ---
**Author:** ![Night\_Hawk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/3bc359/32.png) [@Night\_Hawk](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Night_Hawk)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2016, 4:25pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/night_hawks-pheremone-journal/43688/260 "2016-12-08T16:25:47Z")
Okie, one slight note. This stuff works on animals! I have two cats male and female, both were feral born on our back doorstep, then abandoned by their mother, so I took them in and hand reared them! They’re both just over 4 years. Male cat tends to sleep all day and become active through the night, doesn’t tend to make much of a sound. Female cat is the total opposite and is very active (and vocal when she wants to be, usually when you’ve just gotten into bed; and the banging on the door from both cats starts. Open the door; and they’ve run off - A night game I think!! Lil’ horrors!!) Anyhow, not thinking, I came out of my room, and the male cat is asleep at the top of the stairs like that one rollerskate left for you to fall over! Female cat is at the bottom of the stairs rolling around on her back (as she usually does all day/night) and attempting to talk to me in cat - I don’t speak cat! Anyhow, she must of smelt the hedione. She went straight to the application point of my right wrist, the 4 dab spot and immediately fell silent. Turned around; and my male cat had come downstairs and was also observing my right wrist! Okie, not expecting that! Anyone else observed this with hedione? Usually with any neroli products they run away/back off; and bare in mind, I’m wearing two shots of 2 x strength iShine over the hedione. It didn’t seem to bother either of them. If anything it was attracting them; and although I had the test on the other arm, they seemed more attracted to the 4 dab region. I wonder if it works on other animals in a similar way? Don’t know how I could test that theory out other than maybe a walk in a park, lol. Actually, that sounds creepy, so I won’t be doing that! Anyhow, all I can smell right now is neroli every time I move my arms, lol. Love that scent!! Speak soon. NH. ---
**Author:** ![justintime469](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/justintime469/32/1402_2.png) [@justintime469](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/justintime469)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2016, 9:32pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/night_hawks-pheremone-journal/43688/261 "2016-12-09T21:32:26Z")
Anymore with the Hedione that is the only method I sue is the dab method. What I did is take an empty A314 bottle and cleaned it out and put my Hedione in it and use it from there. I have had good luck with layering pheromones over the hedione at times. When I get to it I would not mind retesting this method. I use to use a mix of 30% Hedione/PA/DPG in a togo bottle and I don’t remember what % the PA and DPG was right now and would have to look in my paper journal. What I did was spray the Hedione down and wait 5 minutes and then spray the mone I wanted to hit people the hardest with(Usually it is P96) over the hedione. To make things right what I really need to do is find a perfect mix of the Hedione/PA/DPG and get that all dialed in first. Then I need to retest this layering theory. I think I was close, but lately I have not made any room to test anything else. But the times that I had success with layering the mones over the Hedione it worked way better than expected. Thank you for taking the time to post what you got. ---
**Author:** ![Night\_Hawk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/3bc359/32.png) [@Night\_Hawk](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Night_Hawk)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2016, 10:45pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/night_hawks-pheremone-journal/43688/262 "2016-12-09T22:45:19Z")
14:50pm (UK/GMT). Just woke up! Jeebus, what is wrong with me this week? I know I’m off work, but damn! Sleeping pattern is so erratic I’ve lost track of the days. To me, it feels like Wednesday. Reality is, it’s the afternoon of Friday!! Means I’m back to work tomorrow at 16:00pm. Great, kill me now!! ☹ Actually, I have before me a few things I was looking at last night before my head went OTT on memories from Monday; and the failsafe kicked in and sent me to sleep. I have this horrible feeling and sense of loss! Heart feels like it has been torn out of my chest and discarded on the ground beside me. The slightest memory; and I start to fill up. I need to get a grip, but how? Ask me how, when I have this huge flippin’ display in front of me, all the time?!! ☹ No two ways of looking at it, tomorrow in work is going to be tough! I can see most will probably be talking about the music; and a handful will be talking about ‘X’. I really hope they don’t though, as I have a feeling either I’ll breakdown, or the failsafe will kick in and I’ll just drop to the floor wherever I am. That 2nd one is actually bad! It’s like having a memory overload, visualising on too much at once; and quite literally not being able to cope with it. Happened a few months back when the haters targeted me on shift. Had one female crew member try to step in and stop them. (She’s loud, speaks her mind, can be friendly one day, snappy the next. Would probably make a good manager if she learnt to tone down her occasional bossiness. It’s great giving direction and delegating to staff of what needs to be done, but when you don’t actually be a part of the team; and step back expecting to leave them to do everything, that’s not really a team player. I’m one of those people that helps everyone. If I see something that needs doing right then; and no one else is able to do it for whatever reason, well, why should I not do it?) Thankfully it was right near the end of my shift, 5pm and I managed to leave, but not before sleeping in the outdoor waiting area on the train platform next to my workplace, for an hour! Missed 3 trains in that time, as they come every 15 minutes, but when my head shuts down, it shuts down, attempts to clear whatever major issue it has been faced with and I don’t know, I’m asleep, because when I wake, either I’m in a zombie like state for a few minutes, or whatever my head was trying to do to hide the issue is still running. For me, on that particular day, when I got home, failsafe kicked in again and I slept right through till my alarm clock sounded for the next day’s early shift. I don’t actually recall going in for the shift. I have to say it’s a 1st, as normally I remember at least parts of what is going on after what effectively is a ‘reset’. My head seems to bury memories to areas I hardly look at. I guess it’s an attempt to forget. It doesn’t always work. On that particular day, the only thing I recall of it is a crew member standing next to me in that ‘ice box of a corner’ shouting my name at me, to snap me out of the trance. Took ages apparently. More to the point, I’d lost a whole 6 hours of the shift. As far as I’m aware, I’ve never lost that much time, whilst being conscious. Asleep, sure, did 72 hours straight when I worked in Germany, woke up with bruised ribs, thinking “What the hell?!” Only to discover one of my colleagues had jumped on my chest in an attempt to wake me; and that the manager had called in a doctor from the local hospital, only to discover I was in a ‘deep’ sleep probably from exhaustion (well I did do some crazy shifts there, not to mention dj in the town from Thursday to Sunday; and then sledge down the mountain until my next shift, hardly surprising lack sleep would eventually catch up with me!), and to be left! Actually most of the time my memories come back around on the anniversary of when it took place. Every May, what I’ve come to call my ‘month from hell’, the one month were if anything bad is going to happen to me, well 9 times out of 10 it’s gonna be in this month! **Edit: WARNING! The following content is a graphic look back at my past. If you do not want to see it, please go to page 27 were normal research info resumes, as this post is that big, it exceeds the character limit in this 1st post (Jump to Post [Page 27, #261](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/night_hawks-pheremone-journal/43688) to avoid reading the below text!).** May 1st, 1988. My 2nd significant memory. A town called Roermond in Holland. When that incident happened, I had my butt hauled the next day into the Guard Room. That was the 1st time I’d experienced what I can only describe now as interrogation on a massive scale! No family members present, no friends, just me, lifted off of the sidewalk of our base and made to recall what I’d seen the night before. I’d not long turn 12, but because of what I’d seen when I was 11; and clearly having on file I had a photographic memory with a difference, I was like an automatic target by the powers that be. If something happened, I’d be the one to be asked where I was at such a time, such a place. The Military Police would come to my school, they stop me walking down the street, it was a horrible experience; and why, because some idiot when I was 11, left me and a group of friends in a restricted area. You could go pretty much anywhere on base during your school holidays. Ring up, go visit, although my friends and I would usually just turn up, lol. 😃 But that particular day, we ended up in the Operations room. We should never of been in there, most certainly never left. The aircrew were out, ground crew were nowhere to be seen. I guess they were on maneuvers somewhere. It was just two guys in fight suits roaming around the whole Sqn building; and now, on our tour we were on our own in the Ops room! …and why do you think this is the 1st significant memory for me? Well, that’s the very 1st day I got to see just how good a memory I had. To this day, I still see everything I saw on that day in graphic detail. Probably shouldn’t be saying this all on here, but it’s only the 2nd time in my life that I have spoken out of this (the 1st being to my best friend); and now it feels right to do it again! For on this day, in our moment of being well, kids; and what do kids of that age do, they look, touch, do everything they’re not supposed to, because well, we’re kids and that what we do! One of my friends pulled at what I can only describe now as dyed sacking held on the wall with thumb tacks. I don’t think any of us expected for what was about to happen, but the material covering about 6-7 meters came tearing down off of the wall to reveal all kinds of data, maps, coding, photographs. You name it, it was probably on there. Actually, there was a big map of Europe with a line of tape from where we where on our base, right up to what I think was Iceland, around the country then back down over the Highlands, before returning to out base, with all kinds of wierd stuff, numbers, etc written out along the line at various points. But still, on the return of the guy that had left us there, whom seriously had a moment of panic, because he ran and brought back the other guy, whom looked just as shocked! Well, we were ordered to put back what we, well ‘J’ had pulled down; and I don’t know if ‘J’ was a jinx, or why he’d even gone to the other side of the room, but he somehow managed to pull the material off of the walls on the opposite side - yeah, more stuff we weren’t supposed to see!! 😮 ☹ Safe to say, the atmosphere changed from panic mode to anger mode from the two adults, but we put it all back. Might not of been back the way it was, but it covered everything; and then the talk began of “What do we do, now that they’ve seen it?” “Who do we tell?” “Our jobs are on the line here!” Yeah they were right; and for what I thought was all of us getting let out without a word, without any punishment, yeah, that was gonna all change for me; and only me!! You see, we heard the words, “You can go if you promise not to tell anyone of what you have seen!” Sounded good to me, albeit, it was now etched in my head and not making any sense whatsoever, but there has to be one! There has to be one, that just can’t say nothing; and in that heat of the moment ‘J’ says, “Yeah, we won’t say anything, but NH, he has a photographic memory!” Yeah, thanks for that m8! They left, I got my 1st taste of interrogation and transported to a part of the base I never knew even existed! More freaking TV’s of flashing images!! Like I didn’t have enough of that just over 6 months prior, now I’m sat in front of 3 watching symbols and being told to “Guess the sequence.” This went on for ages, it was dark, guys were in white lab coats and after only a few minutes I was fixated on the monitors. Eventually, the lights came on and there was a lot of talk, not at me, but amongst the guys. Then came the questioning, virtually the same I’d just endured 6 months of, at the Military Hospital, great! “How are you doing that? How do you know what is coming next?” Made no sense to me, until I discovered they’d been filming me on the Worlds biggest video camera. Nothing like we have today, none of these handhelds or mobile devices, this was a big red (VHS?) camera on a tripod which had been filming me watching the screens and was now playing back my face on all 3 screens. Apparently, I wasn’t just saying out to myself the next sequence to appear on the left screen, no, I was 5 sequences ahead of the computer; and none of them knew how I was doing it. To be frank, to this day I still don’t know myself. I just put it down to whatever happened after my reconstruction work and memory rebuild. Gone off track again haven’t I!! 🙄 So May 1st, Wikipedia has somewhat been amended over the years to what I actually saw. Although, if you can find it, the actual news footage is stored in the ITN news archives. May send you around the world to find it, but they have catalogued all the events, (Everything I was told never to talk about) and hidden it in their archives! Actually, to this day I think it could of been prevented had the information I’d alerted my neighbour to 4 days prior had been taken seriously. But call it the ‘wrong place at the wrong time’, kind of the saying of my life, as it always seems to happen with me, even now! You see, every night after the main UK news was played, albeit, because of the time difference we got it an hour later, the SSVC (Forces broadcasting channel) would display the 10 most wanted people they had reason to believe where in our area; and I used to just sit and memorise those images every night. So, 2 days later, whilst out in Roermond, I see and hear two Irish guys in front of me talking about places the ‘Soldiers’ go to at night. Didn’t really think about it, until the one on the right turned around and I saw in an instant one of those faces on the photofit! Oh shoot! Took it straight back to base, back to my neighbour, whom went into work to report it. He came back later, with the words, “The boss thinks they’re probably just tourists.” What, you’re sh\*tting me, right?!! So, 2 days later, our base is now on a curfew. Doesn’t stop me and my m8s getting off the base. The main gate might be locked down (Anyone living off-base however, wouldn’t know about the curfew, which would regularly run from 11pm to 6am), but from the Ops room incident, I now have an entire map of the base in my head; and all it’s weaknesses. Actually the base still stands today, but has been turned into an asylum reception centre. But, my friends and I, we went and snuck off base, walked down to the Dutch border which was about a 10 minute trek; and all we did to cross it was to wave our ID badges. German border, lol, that was half way on our base, but the exit point, that was like on no-mans land! Right in between both borders!! To this day, none of us ever knew who owned it!! Anyhow, on crossing the dutch border, which was just a white line painted in the road; and a guy sat in a toll booth, we jumped on a waiting bendy bus and would be in Roermond in minutes. Why all the fuss, you might ask, well, there was a cafe bar in the square that we could get half glasses of cider and black and play on the pinball machines. They couldn’t sell us pints, only halfs, and to be fair we should of been 14; and we were 12, lol, but all the forces kids did it; and we’d attempt to learn dutch from the local kids also there. That night though, that night we never made it beyond the crossroad opposite the bus/train terminal. As for what was probably a split second, but for me to this day I see as slow motion, the voices and faces of 3 guys casually dressed, laughing as they leave a cafe bar opposite to where we were crossing. Out from nowhere, a man and woman dressed in black, (the very same man I’d seen only days earlier talking about where the soldiers went to), gunned down the 1st two males! They just didn’t see it coming, didn’t have a chance, but the 3rd guy, he did. He was young, in his 20’s, blonde. I’ll never forget the look on his face, he knew what was coming, we all did! What felt like an age, it was over and the man and woman ran to the left of us towards the Square. That was my 1st deaths I’d ever seen, it and the other things I’m going to write will haunt me forever; and this is kind of why I have such a hard time forgetting. I quite literally live with it, keep it bottled up inside of me, to the point that I cannot take it any more. That’s why as I said a few months back, I turned to here to speak. I didn’t know where else to go! I was at my lowest point in life; and even still, as I sit here now in a hot sweat, feeling sick and numb, recalling my past, I am still unsure if I will ever get over ‘X’! I should’ve told her everything, everything said, everything done, my own thoughts and feelings, even if they were rejected by her; and probably would have. Don’t think I ever will know; and that, that I’m finding hard, extremely hard. Maybe why I’m here now, writing it here now, trying in some small way to come to terms, deal with it. I just don’t know anymore. “Single for life,” is what I keep posting on my media a/c. I think I’m going to be right on the head with that one! Sure, over the years I’ve had feeling for others, but no where near as intense as I have for ‘X’. Just seemed right, everything felt right, although that was probably just me, don’t think she felt the same way, especially after the ‘unfriending’, a clear message maybe, one which in time I will have to accept, no matter how much it hurts! ☹ So, now you know why I ended up in the Guard room getting grilled. It was the 2nd time I had to fill out the beige paper, red inked document with the words “The Official Secrets Act 1911” plastered across the top. Yet again being told I couldn’t tell anyone, not even my family. They knew how to frighten you back then. Couldn’t even tell my friends; and these were people I could trust my deepest darkest secrets with, yet, I couldn’t tell them. Albeit, some of them were with me on the night, I never said to the MP’s. It’s kind of what m8’s are for. We speak about that one now and a couple of the others in a closed group on our social media website. I’ve said for years to people, friends, colleagues that they don’t know me fully, they really don’t. Only those that I was at school with in Germany know as much as I do, albeit, many haven’t been able to hold onto the memories in as graphic detail as I have; and there was a point 3 years back that they rallied around me, thinking I was going over the edge towards self harm. Sorry guys, tried that when I was 24, almost cut my wrist open, if it wasn’t for the extremely blunt serrated knife I was using, or the fact that it hurt like hell, but more so, that I just couldn’t do it. Collapsed on the floor in tears, distraught, of the hotel room I was living in, having been working there as an assistant manager. Same day, two guys had attempted to arm rob me in the middle of the street whilst I took the weekend takings to the bank. Wouldn’t of thought anything of it, the town was a tourist area away from main city life, something you just wouldn’t expect to see. Even the police station was in a house, manned by one officer and closed at weekends, it was that type of town, quiet, but I fought to keep my bag; and got a round in the side of my leg for doing so! I’m a crazy guy I know, I just fought back, it was instinct; and people just stood all around in the street watching, not one came to help!! Even after they ran off, the guy that shot me stopped looked back, very, very angry faced, before running off. They didnt get what they wanted, but I have a lovely round scar in my right leg to show for it. But, it was that night, it just hit me, that plus everything I’d seen in Germany/Holland and I just couldn’t take it anymore. Almost 14 years of silence. Who do you speak to when it has been drummed into you all your life not to say anything, keep it to yourself! Even to this day, my family don’t know half or even a quarter of my childhood, let alone my adult life. I think they’d be horrified; and it’s not something I’d like to put on them now if I’m honest, wouldn’t do them any good, they’re both retired military, albeit mom worked for the US military, even though she’s British. So, I’m writing this next few paragraphs as well, I know I shouldn’t, I’m in a closed area, I need to get this out of my head, it’s in front of me; and yeah, you can look most of it up online to verify, albeit it, most isn’t written how I; and my friends have seen it. Some, we have all said, has been changed over the years, why, we don’t know, but still memories are memories; and we either keep them to ourselves or share them (Mostly in that closed group on the media a/c), hoping that those we tell, those that weren’t there at the time, will come to understand what exactly we saw, what we had to endure, deal with! I did get sent to the college counselor once, early 1998. Poor guy, I don’t think he’d come across anyone for an hour that repeated the same sentence over and over, “I’m sorry. I’m unable to answer that question.” I know it was confidential, but still, in my mind, it was just not going to happen, couldn’t say a thing, but it was not long after the ‘hotel incident’. You see, whilst I was at that hotel in one part of the South East of England, I was studying my HND in another City (Travelling back and forth via train to do my lessons; and did most of my coursework on the train); and well, my erratic behaviour was clearly cause for concern amongst my lecturers and classmates, so I got shipped off to the counselor. He did his best, I gave him that, probably saw the markings on my wrist, as they hadn’t fully healed, but I was back to bottling up again! Just couldn’t tell a ‘stranger’, didn’t know who he was, had no trust; and without trust, there is nothing! May 1st, is out of the way. There’s 3 more to come!! ☹ Got to do this, sorry guys. After I’ve posted this, I’m going to try and put it behind me, move on, focus just on my research again, if I can. May, next year will probably be different though, I always remember!! This year, I tried in vain to stay away from the closed group, as every year, someone posts a picture of that 20 year old in his uniform; and I just feel sick knowing everything that something should of, could of, been done to prevent it. Even now I know his name, have done since the group was created (Whether being colleagues, friends or family, I don’t know, I just can never come to be able to say to any of them in their postings - "I was there. I reported it 4 days before it happened!!), but people started posting their ‘anniversary’ thoughts and memories over the years in their, not just what my friends and I saw, there’s things in that group after our parents had been deployed back to the UK or overseas. I guess it’s their way of dealing with things too! These next two, for the life of me, none of us can find details of them. We talk about it in the closed group from time to time, but yet, even though at the time, there was local new bulletins about it, there was nothing; and I mean nothing on the UK news. That was something we came to get used to over the 4 and a half years we were out in Germany! Some things would make it to the news, most wouldn’t; and we always wondered (as a family) why not?!! Still, we’re in May still, but different years! May 15th, 1989. We’re on the school coach heading towards JHQ, via pick-up at Wildenrath on route for two classmates. If you lived too far away, the school had a boarding house for pupils, the rest of us opted for the hour-long coach journey twice a day; and if you missed that, you had a long wait for a family member to come get you, lol!! That day, we didn’t get beyond the main gate! Every morning, every night, there’d be a queue of cars trying to get on/off all of the bases. It used to make us late nearly every day getting to our 2nd high school, even though school was at 9am, we’d set off around 7am, the traffic was that bad. Well, actually it wasn’t, it was the fact that every vehicle had to be checked before it was allowed onto any of the bases. The occupants, their ID’s checked. The coaches just got waived through after the driver showed their ID, but still, you only needed one vehicle/occupant(s) to act suspicious and everything went into lockdown! JHQ was by far the worst! Who in their right mind would build a base around a main road then throw check points at either end? Yeah, you get the idea, normal citizens, semi’s, all trying to get from one side to the other, no ID, so checks would take forever!! But on this particular cold morning, it felt like no other. I always sat at the front of the coach behind the driver. I liked to look at the view around me, probably one of the reasons I loved flying - same type of wide view, with something always good to look at! Not this day though, not this morning. Whilst the cars all waited to pull in and we were next in line to swing around into the main gate entrance, a car pulled up at speed on the opposite side of the road in the opposite direction. Two guys jumped out armed with automatic weapons. Unlike Roermond, they were in jeans, trainers, one had a reddish leather jacket. They ran across the road in front of our coach, opened up and fired towards the main entrance and at the cars waiting to go in. Then they ran back to their vehicle and sped off. Safe to say, the military guards came running out. It was chaotic. Everyone on the coach was screaming, except the driver and me. We were just fixed on what we could see going on outside. German Police took over the scene. Despite it being a military attack, it wasn’t actually on the base, so German jurisdiction. We must have been there for a good 2 hours before we were returned back to our base. Greeted at the guard room by my least favourite Police officer! Every time something happened, every single darn time, it was always the same guy I’d end up in a room with filling out yet another form/statement! We were all taken off the coach, our parents/families were there waiting outside, but for whatever reason - debrief. The MP’s, the Station Commander, all present, even the base minister. It was like a big reunion, with the Station Commander attempting to reassure all the parents that security would be increased - Oh, now they decide to increase it! 🙄 All I can say is their intelligence must of been pants back then. Even on the Forces internal news channel, they were talking about replacing all vehicle number plates, which were black and white, with the standard UK yellow/white number plates. If anything, that to me would make any UK tourists just as much a target as any other armed forces member. Didn’t help I guess with the big GB sticker on the back of any vehicle, irrespective of the number plate. The plate change did come, not long after my 3rd experience from hell. Another incident not to get any media attention; and considering what happened and where it happened, I am VERY surprised that nothing was ever reported about it!! [Previous page](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/night_hawks-pheremone-journal/43688.md?page=12) [Next page](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/night_hawks-pheremone-journal/43688.md?page=14)