# Night\_Hawk's Pheremone Journal **URL:** \ **Category:** Men's Journals\ **Created:** [December 2, 2010, 4:05pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/night_hawks-pheremone-journal/43688 "2010-12-02T16:05:09Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 23
**Author:** ![Night\_Hawk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/3bc359/32.png) [@Night\_Hawk](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Night_Hawk)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2017, 6:45pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/night_hawks-pheremone-journal/43688/443 "2017-07-17T18:45:31Z")
Oh jeebus, AD, where do I send my loves and kisses to?!! So, I opened the little brown box (Which weighed a tonne I might add), to have two little chocolates looking back at me - thank you!! šŸ™‚ Invoice, with loads of purple circles on everything, lol - maybe I should send over a colouring pen set! šŸ˜‰ Three well wrapped vacuum sealed bags; and the lovely stress relieving bubble wrap! So, P96 seems to have upped to a 30ml, damn - thank you! One of the two TOGO TUTH bottles is a 5mcg, thereā€™s an extra TOGO bottle of IShine x1 neroli; and I have a new trial product of P128, that Iā€™ve never used before!! Did I say thank-you?!! Now the tough one, what to use tomorrow, as Iā€™m breaking into work at 4:30am, lol. Who knows when theyā€™ll get that lock fixed on the main door, actually would laugh if someone tried to rob us at that time, as Iā€™d say, ā€œIf you can get in, fine. If not, well, youā€™ll have to come back at 7am when the other manager comes in!ā€ Youā€™d think the main lock of a door would be a priority fix, but clearly not! I guess having the most sophisticated security system protecting the outside and interior of the building makes the powers that be think itā€™s fine to leave; and I bet the Police/security team look on and laugh every morning, when they watch the managers try and break-in through the front door!! šŸ™„ Anyone made any mad combinations with the mones that I have, Iā€™m all ears to experiment? Iā€™m tempted to go with [P83](https://a314.com/product/p83/) 10mcg, P96 12.5mcg, x2 IShine 5mcg and CTTM (V2) (2.5mcg?). Got the IJ purely for the night shifts as we have some really obnoctious adult customers that think they can smoke their cannabis right outside the front door. Bit of IJ on; and well, we all know the response you get from that!! šŸ˜ƒ I just have to be careful of where I spray it, as if I put it onto my neck, I get hit with its effects, which to be fair has its plus and minus points. Anyhow, speak tomorrow. Donā€™t think Louise is in, but Iā€™m sure Iā€™ll have just as fun a shift. 1st time I get to do the safe on my own ha, wonder how that will go! šŸ˜®šŸ˜‰ NH. ---
**Author:** ![Night\_Hawk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/3bc359/32.png) [@Night\_Hawk](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Night_Hawk)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2017, 12:03pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/night_hawks-pheremone-journal/43688/444 "2017-07-20T12:03:05Z")
So, today was my 1st visit to the dentist in over a year! Well, my previous dentist retired, sent on all our files last December to another practice; and last week they got in-touch for me to go down and have a check-up. Considering I knew I needed at least one filling and a new veneer, I had that dreaded feeling of the needle heading my way, lol! You might ask why I left it so long not to got to any dentist, well, my previous one was how can I put it, you take your car to a garage for a service, pay for it then discover that the mechanics have tinkered a little bit too much and your car now needs more work and has endless problems. Thatā€™s the best way to describe my last dentist, putting me off from going, to the point that I bought my own equipment and filling mixes online, lol. Gotten pretty darn good at repairing too! So, 9am this morning; and I went with a few mones to help along the wayā€¦ 2x sprays IShine 5mcg to either side of my neck. 2x sprays P83 10mcg (One to my adamā€™s apple, one spray to the back of my neck. 2x sprays CTTM (V2) to both wrists, then rubbed it all in. Ah, neroli! Well, I have to say I was blown away by the hospitality that greeted me, offered a tea, coffee or water, whilst I waited to be seen! Filled out a huge form, as you do with every new practice; and then went into see my new dentist. Wow! What a friendly guy. So, hand out, he shakes mine, tells me his name is ā€œKevin;ā€ and welcomes me to his practice. Introduces me to his assistant ā€œEmma;ā€ and then proceeds to talk me through absolutely everything he intended to do and did!! Didnā€™t feel a thing, lol. Actually, he kept asking me over and over that if I wanted a career change, then heā€™d offer me a job based on my own handy work at repairing my own teeth, lol. Well, practice makes perfect; and Iā€™ve not needed to see a dentist for over a year. Thinking about it, if I hadnā€™t been contacted by the practice, Iā€™d still be repairing my own teeth as and when I needed to, lol. Still, I was at ease throughout, and the whole room was filled with friendliness. As for Emma, whom was sitting pretty darn quietly throughout, turns out she used to work in the Restaurant I did my training/cover work in just over 19 months ago - probably why her face looked familiar when I went into the room, lol. Small World I guess. So yeah, my day so far has been good, had one of my teeth fixed with a permanent filling, with Kevin saying he didnā€™t want to touch my handy work as Iā€™d done a pretty good job, lol, but as it was only a temporary filling, so it had to be done. Back there in August for round 2, canā€™t wait! Wonder if Emma will speak this time?! Might mix it up with some P96 or Ammo, or something else in the arsenal. šŸ˜‰ Speak later, NH. ---
**Author:** ![Night\_Hawk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/3bc359/32.png) [@Night\_Hawk](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Night_Hawk)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2017, 9:31am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/night_hawks-pheremone-journal/43688/445 "2017-07-25T09:31:55Z")
So, Sunday I went to work with a TOGO bottle with a new mix contained withinā€¦ [P83](https://a314.com/product/p83/) 10mcg (Approx 10 sprays), P96 12.5mcg (Approx 5 sprays), x2 IShine 5mcg (Approx 15 sprays), CTTM (V2) (2.5mcg (Approx 5 sprays) and TUTH 5mcg (Approx 5 sprays). I did two sprays to either side of my neck and one spray to my hair then went in to work. Well, my position for the day was to stand at the front door and greet people as they came into the restaurant, then in a secret way determine if they were paying by debit/credit card and encourage them to use the kiosks located right in front of the two tills! You might ask why they want customers to use those as opposed to being served by a human? Well, the company has been clever to add additional suggestions for other items as the customer navigates through what they wish to order. In most cases, customers buy one or two of those suggested extras, bringing in more money that would otherwise be missed if the human had served them. Crafty eh?!! So, Iā€™m interacting with everyone as they come in. Iā€™m in a lively up-beat mood, something which I think the mix lent a hand to for sure, but everyone that spoke to me, you could see that they were taken by the overwhelming friendliness that I was throwing their way; and yes, most did take up the offer to use those kiosks, hehe. My job as a greeter/coach for those machines, well itā€™s not exactly hard to do; and you talk the customer through using it, getting them to use it, making them feel confident in using it; and then explaining the final process after payment, of how and where they then go to stand to get their food. But, I didnā€™t stop there. I continued to interact with the customers/families, explained how hi-tech the restaurant was, how it was built even, lol, but then I would go on to explain that all of the staff were literally learning on the job. So, whilst it was quiet, I started going around the entire dining area, but downstairs and upstairs to check if the staff were alright, needed anything, checked to see if we had any tearaway teenagers in causing mayhem, that may have slipped passed me as I was showing customers how to use the different ordering/collection areas. There were a few, all climbing on the seats/tables, safe to say they got their orders to sit correctly on the seating or be asked to leave. That kind of prompted me to begin a 15-20 minute travel path around the building, (My working area), to keep a constant check on everything, ensuring that both staff and genuine customers were safe and having a good time. Unruly teenagers got turfed out, no need for those, weā€™re a restaurant, not a hang-out to cause mischief and spit paper from straws across the room!! So, after my break and another 3 sprays of the same mix (above), I went into the kitchen to clock-in and the female staff just seemed to want to hug my - okay?!! Had one new floor manager from another store, whom has been helping train the staff for the past month tell me she is going back to Kensingtonā€™s restaurant. Iā€™ve known her for a while, since working at the very same place myself, so to me, she is a good friend, but from now standing next to her, she tells me that today (Tuesday) shall be her last shift; and she really doesnā€™t wish to go!! ā˜¹ Actually, I donā€™t want her to go either! Sheā€™s a great friend; and like many that I wished had come from my restaurant, permanently, Iā€™m going to be sorry to see her go!! ā˜¹ That said, one of the shift managers on the floor proceeded to tell me in front of everyone that she intended to find me a girlfriend, lol, here we go!! You know, if I got one pound for every time someone said that to me in all the workplaces Iā€™ve had the pleasure of working in, Iā€™d be rich as hell now, lol!! Still single mind, but with money!! šŸ˜ƒ Anyhow, this prompted Claire to suggest I go out with Becky, seeing as we were interacting so well together! Yeah, like thatā€™s going to happen, but you could just see this sad look on Beckyā€™s face with the prospects of her leaving. Donā€™t know if that was that she was leaving me as well, but still, awkward hot moment for me there in front of everyone, lol. šŸ˜®šŸ˜‰ So, I got a visit from one of my ex-work colleagues that had come with her son to have a look at the new restaurant and to tell me that she missed me from my old store!! Told you I was liked by most. šŸ™‚ Still, as Iā€™m the greeter to the store, I took her on a little tour of the dining areas and showed her what it was like to work there. I donā€™t think I could go back to the other store, not now. Iā€™m having so much opportunity thrown my way now, I just have to go with it, despite longing for so many to come join me, especially RW! Not spoken to her personally since I left; and itā€™s getting to the point that I might just have to go down on a day when I think she may be working, just to say ā€œHello.ā€ Albeit, that may be an emotional moment for me and probably even harder to leave (as a customer/visitor)! So, yesterday, Monday with the same mix on and yep, Iā€™m cleaning the machine from hell yet again. Actually the smoothie machine has become the new machine from hell!! As I went to clean the ā€˜monthlyā€™ cycle on it, it decided to throw up a whole new set of instructions on the digital display that Iā€™ve never seen before. That prompted me to go into the office and pull up the manual from the Companyā€™s website. Lucky for me, the office is right next to both machines, so I can prop open the door and stick my head around it to follow the manual, which is set out far better than what is displayed on the smoothie machines digital display!! šŸ™‚ Damn, did that take a long time to clean!! Never seen so much ice get dispensed from this type of machine! Had to perform the monthly clean of 2 hours, then the weekly clean of another 1 and 30 minutes, then the daily clean of around 15 minutes, yay!! Had the store manager, Mark want to know why it was taking so long, lol? To look at it, apart from the display, it looks no different to the one we both cleaned in our last store, but as we had an engineer in servicing the other equipment, I was told to go ask him why it took so long for the ice to be created again after cleaning! Ha, didnā€™t know I was going to get a lecture!! Turns out, our machine has a double capacity ice drum; and so takes double the time to do everything - you donā€™t say?!! šŸ˜› Worst still, this particular engineer along with another one of his colleagues had the joy of installing our particular machine 2 and a half weeks back before we opened; and had to contact the Companyā€™s support service over in America as they too had problems getting it to work!! Iā€™m not the only one then, lol!! šŸ†’ Even the on/off switch on the back of the machine for the ice production unit has 3 positions! Are you ready for this? The engineer was told by the US support team that, that switch in the factory may have been installed the wrong way up; and that it only had one working position - ā€˜ONā€™ - yet, the support team could only say if the ice didnā€™t refreeze after cleaning, then the switch should be pushed to another position and well, you had to wait 30 minutes each time to find out if you had found the right ā€˜Onā€™ switch, lol!! šŸ˜®šŸ˜ƒ Back to interacting with the staff, well had another member of staff from Kensington not wanting to go back to her store in the next week or so; and wanting to stay. Seems another person that is going to miss me! She kept trying to hug me every time she came near, or if I went past her, whilst filling up what felt like endless buckets of water for the smoothing machine!! Could of been the mix I was wearing, kind of think it probably was, but you know me, I like hugs, so am going to happily go along with it! šŸ™‚ So, yet another colleague from my previous store came in!! Itā€™s getting to be like one or two a day coming in to see me, see what the store is like, tell me that theyā€™re coming to work there at the end of August when our old store closes to be refurbished!! Safe to say, this young guy Anthony tells me he longed for me to come back and missed working with me!! Kind of told him I felt the same way, but then explained the opportunity I had now come to have, not to mention the endless problems Iā€™d left behind with the few idiots that worked there. He knew of some of it, but I donā€™t think he knew the full extent - he does now! Saying that, he said heā€™d asked to transfer to this store (mine) as he lies literally across the road - I didnā€™t know that! Yet, because of staff shortages in my old store, the BM keeps denying him the chance to move. That didnā€™t stop me telling my BM, Mark, later on in the day; and saying to him, ā€œWell, when they come, if thereā€™s people that you think will benefit us, then itā€™s down to you to request them, like you did with me. Nothing Vicky can say/do, if you taken them from her as a promotional transfer!ā€ Could see him smile, nod, I think thatā€™s possibly what he intends to do, but is keeping his thoughts very guarded at the minute. Anyhow, will speak later, see how today goes as Iā€™m on my 1st of 2 closes, meaning Iā€™ll finish sometime in the early hours, when everything is done, lol!! Iā€™ll have the same mix on (As above) today, see how that goes. NH. ---
**Author:** ![Night\_Hawk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/3bc359/32.png) [@Night\_Hawk](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Night_Hawk)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2017, 11:26pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/night_hawks-pheremone-journal/43688/446 "2017-07-29T23:26:34Z")
The last two days have been fun and stress free (To a point)! Went in to work with the above mix, recap: [P83](https://pheromonelabs.com/product/p83/) 10mcg (Approx 10 sprays), P96 12.5mcg (Approx 5 sprays), x2 IShine 5mcg (Approx 15 sprays), CTTM (V2) (2.5mcg (Approx 5 sprays) and TUTH 5mcg (Approx 5 sprays). I did two sprays to either side of my neck and one spray to my hair. Damn, am I lively with that all on; and the girls in work keep going past me and complimenting with, ā€œYou smell nice!ā€ šŸ†’ Thatā€™s the idea though, compliment, work well together and have fun all at the same time; and with that mix on, itā€™s hard not to have a fun active environment. I canā€™t help but smile for some mad reason, lol, proper hyper active when I have that mix on and the effects last for about 3-4 hours depending on where I am working! CD came in mid-shift today, came up to me and gave me a huge hug with ā€œIā€™ve missed you!ā€ Safe to say I responded with, ā€œIā€™ve missed you too,ā€ which I have, not seen her for weeks as she has been on holiday with her boyfriend, but like when working with RW, CD makes the shifts run more smoothly, you have more fun and everyone just gets on with what they need to do in a happy mood! šŸ™‚ Said to her that weā€™d probably end up seeing lots of pictures of RW on our social media a/cā€™s at some point in the next few hours as sheā€™s gone to Tommorowland. So wanted to go myself, but Iā€™m hanging onto my money this year, saving for next year when I can do more, do what I wanted to do this year without any restrictions of thinking, ā€œWhat can I afford, where can I go?ā€ Got asked yesterday if there was anyone I liked in this new store by my lovely friend ST! Yeah great, here we go! šŸ™„ Like this is the guy that repeatedly held his phone in front of me showing me images of ā€˜Xā€™ and also telling me that sheā€™d been to him with questions, but would never tell me what they were. Sheā€™s read some of this a/c now, so hopefully has an idea, using her own forum login. I hope her questions got answered, not heard anything since June 21st when she logged in, so I guess if she had any issue, Iā€™d either be reading them in here or would of had her give me hell to my face! Anyhow, as much as I have both ladies in my head still, Iā€™ve come to get along with all the girls in work, two more that the rest, but in the moment of ST asking, my delay in saying, ā€œThere wasnā€™t anyone,ā€ yeah, that became an awkward moment for me, as he asked ā€œWho is she? Was she on shift today?! Iā€™ll find out, tell me?!!ā€ šŸ™„ FFS ā˜¹ So one has been promoted to floor manager and returned back to kensington (Becky); and the other one (Louise), I think is soon to go back to Bootle, but saying that, the store manager was saying that he wanted the young lady in kensington to come back and intended to tell the Business Manager at said store that he was pinching her; and as for Louise, sheā€™s like ā€˜Xā€™ and 'RW combined! Oh I went to another one of those medium things, lol. šŸ™„ Well, I was with a couple of friends whom were doing it, thought sod it, may as well see what else is in store for me! Apparently Iā€™m going to meet someone called RJ. Yeah, is that their first name and surname or first name and middle name?!! Who knows, but as far as Iā€™m aware, I donā€™t know anyone with those initials. Maybe I should go ask RW if she has a middle name, lol. Can you imagine if she said it began with ā€˜Jā€™!! šŸ˜® Iā€™d probably run out the door, lol. šŸ˜ƒ lol, letā€™s face it, even though weā€™re friends Iā€™ve not spoken to her in person for a month; ā˜¹ and yeah I mentioned that to CD tonight in the office just before I left that out of everyone in our old store, RW is the one I miss the most! CD said the same and she is working at our old store next week. The BM sent me a text message yesterday asking what my days off are next week as she could do with a hand as she is short of managers. Apparently they have al gone part-time or are on holiday. Sure, Iā€™d go, just to see the family Iā€™ve missed this past month, albeit 8 people I havenā€™t missed, my hate club! Not received any texts back as yet, but told CD to mention that if need be, I can forward my entire monthly schedule if they need me. šŸ™‚ Got to learn the paperwork side of things 3 days ago - about time I learnt it!! 3 hours it took, lol. Apparently it should take about an hour and a half, but I was on that slow record mode my head goes into to remember sequences. There was a couple of things I couldnā€™t do as I donā€™t have access being a Floor Manager, so required the Shift Manager to log me in and show me, still, we ended up finishing at 3am, yeah, that went down well with the Shift Manager, not!! šŸ™„ Still, I have two more close shifts with the same manager next week, so told her today; and got the reply that sheā€™s going to have me complete the paperwork both days so I get used to it; and complete it quicker! You know, I donā€™t think in any job Iā€™ve had the requirement to count floats/balance the safe has been as complex as working in this job, but everything Iā€™ve learnt this past month has most definitely been worth it!! Anyhow, off tomorrow, machines from hell on Monday, 2 weeks of work left then on my 3 weeks of leave. Oh and Iā€™ve signed up to a recording studio with DJ decks that has just been built less than 15 minutes walk from my new store! Going to spend some time there playing on the two Pioneer CDJ-2000NXS2ā€™s and Pioneer DJM-900NXS2 mixer; and the best is that the whole system comes through some whopping big Pioneer XPRS 12 - 2400W speakers!! Apparently the sound studio also have free broadband so I may be streaming after a few practices; and lucky me has 50GBP off bookings which is basically 5 hours, happy days!! Speak later. NH. ---
**Author:** ![Night\_Hawk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/3bc359/32.png) [@Night\_Hawk](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Night_Hawk)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2017, 3:54am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/night_hawks-pheremone-journal/43688/447 "2017-08-03T03:54:09Z")
Woohoo, got to go into my old store 3 days ago, was a happy 8-hour shift seeing old friends; and they were very happy to see me too!! Busy as hell mind, but I didnā€™t care, as I got to see many of my ā€˜familyā€™ once more! Didnā€™t get to see RW, as she was in Tomorrowland, Belgium, lucky thing! To be honest, I was watching it from 530am, then spotted the messages on my social media a/c from one of the managers crying out for staff, as she was 4 people down!! It was my day off, how could I say ā€œNo?ā€ Simply put, I couldnā€™t and volunteered to go in! Didnā€™t expect it to be so darn busy, lol. 3 hours solid of a queue from the front counter to the front door; and another endless queue around the drive-thru lane. Why? They had a charity/fun day on in the restaurant; and why no staff? They had gone to the Pride festival in the city centre!! Crazy feeling being back in the old store, with adjustments to the old equipment equally hard. Still, my speed has certainly increased, lol, didnā€™t realise until I went into the kitchen and started running rings around the other staff/managers all adamant that my method of cooking would be slower than theirs, ha, sorry guys, Iā€™ve had a month of working at speed with that conveyor belt system; and they were shocked that Iā€™ve come further in a month that that of what I didnā€™t learn in 5 years at that store! šŸ˜‰ So back to work, well yesterday was a horrid day! Took an allergy tablet the night before, woke at 720am and did a double take of my schedule for this week! Realised come 730am, that I was sat on next weeks schedule, back a page, OMG!! šŸ˜® Iā€™m in in 30 minutes time!! šŸ˜® Yep, Iā€™d somehow skipped to next week and thought I was on a close, but noooo, I was on an 8am-4pm shift and the panic set in in getting ready. Ironing, argh, trying to put on a tie whilst attempting to put your feet into shoes, nightmare, lol. Ah well, made it in on-time, donā€™t know how, but my taxi driver got me there in 12 minutes and the roads were fairly busier for once. So, yeah, I was still under the influence of that nice allergy tablet, and no matter how much X2 IShine I attempted to spray myself with, I was in one hell of a zombie like state all day, until I got home and went to sleep! ā˜¹ Nothing worse than working in a high paced job with senior managers visiting; and your head effectively thinking your in a dream, as thatā€™s exactly how my day yesterday felt! So, today and tomorrow, I have 2 closes with the manager that says the same thing over and over, ā€œHow long onā€¦?!!ā€ šŸ˜  Really? Open your eyes and give us all a break! Think sheā€™s bipolar, or borderline going psycho, either way, one minute sheā€™s nice and part of the team, next minute sheā€™s shouting ā€œHow long onā€¦?!!ā€ and making everyone just want to say, ā€œYou run the shift weā€™ve had enough of your endless yelling!ā€ Still, Iā€™ve got two days of learning the paperwork, well, today/tonight, as as of tomorrow, I expect the alter ego to expect me to know everything, despite me not being able to access parts of the computer system as I donā€™t have the passwords! Yeah, how do you gain access to things that you have to do to complete the job, yet senior management drag their feet in granting you access to it! Anyhow, one more week after this one, then off for 3 weeks, yay!! Roll on the end of August, got the Creamfields weekend to go to, cannot wait!! šŸ˜ƒ Speak later. NH. ---
**Author:** ![Dee\_A](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7bcc69/32.png) [@Dee\_A](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Dee_A)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2017, 12:36pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/night_hawks-pheremone-journal/43688/448 "2017-08-03T12:36:23Z")
Iā€™ll be on the look-out then for that creamy Creamsfield report. šŸ˜ƒ ---
**Author:** ![Night\_Hawk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/3bc359/32.png) [@Night\_Hawk](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Night_Hawk)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2017, 11:32pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/night_hawks-pheremone-journal/43688/449 "2017-08-05T23:32:26Z")
Donā€™t you worry Dee, Iā€™ll have a full detailed breakdown (no doubt) of the mayhem, lol. IShine x2 will be with me in some form to keep me going, lol. Got the 1st of 5 tickets this morning. Well, my lil sisterā€™s Gold Saturday ticket seeing as Iā€™ve been nice and bought her ticket/travel tickets, but because I had to do everything separately, my ticket being a weekend one, Iā€™m clearly getting lots of envelopes, lol. Didnā€™t stop me opening up my sisterā€™s envelope and taking a peak - well everything is in my name, so have to check the contents, hehe. Dear Lord, saturday Iā€™m most definitely going to need the IShine to keep me going!! Opening time 2pm, closing time 4am the next day, lol!! Back Sunday from 12pm till 11pm, yeah, you know Iā€™m sleeping on the bus back to our City, some 40 mins away!! So, sat here typing listening to my massive playlist on my iPad, going to fire up the controller after posting this. RW posted a great picture of herself earlier, lucky person is in Ibiza, so, so tempted to drop everything and go myself, lol!! Someone in work did that a couple of days ago, got fed up of being spoken to like cr\*p and walked out, bought herself a one-way ticket to the magical island, lol! So, momā€™s 2nd hospital op is on Monday, the one weā€™ve all been dreading, that she kept from us up until xmas eve. Got to go into work, clean the machines from hell and then straight back to wait for her coming out of surgery, fingers crossed here!! Well, mom had me paint the bathroom today, jeebus nearly died when I saw the colour on the tin saying ā€œGrey!ā€ You know what though, it does look darn good with the aqua tiles, just got the floor/ceiling to do now. šŸ™‚ As for my music, Iā€™ve started writing a new track, a trance/edm tune with a few vocals thrown in to liven it up a little. Ah, thatā€™s it for me for now, got work at 8am and Iā€™m going to play some tunes for an hour or so, unless RW posts another Live stream from Ibiza, in which case Iā€™ll be glued to my monitor like last night watching one hell of a trance/techno set, hehe. Speak later. NH. ---
**Author:** ![Night\_Hawk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/3bc359/32.png) [@Night\_Hawk](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Night_Hawk)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2017, 2:14pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/night_hawks-pheremone-journal/43688/450 "2017-08-10T14:14:09Z")
Well, wonders never cease! You remember Iā€™m forever saying anyone I like/get along with leaves in some way or another, or those that like me, for some bizarre reason, I end up leaving (Think RW on that last one!), well, Louise that left last week came back to our store - for good!! Kind of deja vu on that because ā€˜Xā€™ did the exact same thing, then left again 6 months later! šŸ™„ Donā€™t get too excited for a minute as I think L has a boyfriend, so friends is all this friendship can be! Donā€™t mind, used to it, but on saying to her after her break how much I was glad she had returned I got that weird look girls do with their eyes when they like someone. Itā€™s like theyā€™re speaking through their eyes in the ā€œI like you/missed you too!ā€ look. šŸ˜ƒ Was wearing a nice mix at the time mind you, which had just been applied a few minutes before speaking with her. Well, hellish few days, hence why Iā€™ve not been on here! Glad in a way Iā€™m first aid trained, but with that memory of mine, thereā€™s some things I just do not want to recall! So, mom had her hernia op on Monday just gone. She went in at midday; and we were told to call the hospital at 4pm for news, after being sent home to wait. šŸ™„ Called and got told that she was still in surgery (Jeebus) and told to call back at 6pm! Did so; and was told that she was in the post-op observation unit with nurses and we were to go over to the hospital where she was due to be discharged some 30 minutes later - Say what??!! šŸ˜® Youā€™d think after a major op, they have at least kept her in overnight, but clearly not!! So, she seems up-spirited on leaving with a huge white bandage across her stomach just below her belly button. Apparently, this is the 2nd bandage in place as the one below it was red-soaked (Sorry for the graphic detail if your squeamish, but you know me by now, get it out of my head sort of, deal with it better; and this is the only place I can do it!). Anyhow, made her a sandwich and pot of tea, yet, mom could hardly lift up the mug, she was that weak! 10pm, Iā€™m just dropping off to sleep as Iā€™d been up since 3am and in work for 430am; and I hear dad call to say mom was calling herself an ambulance. Say what?!! šŸ˜® Reason being, there was blood forming above the seal of the 1st bandage, but held in by the 2nd, still white! 2 paramedics and a student came out in an ambulance, took me and her into the back. As panicky as I was, trying not to show it, my thoughts were the same as the paramedics in that the 2nd bandage had no signs of blood, so we all thought it was a natural clotting process performing before us. Still, better safe than leaving it, right? So they carry out a few check, blood pressure isnā€™t a concern but it is higher than normal; and then contact an out of hours doctor for a 2nd opinion. Paramedics take a few pictures, forward them on to the doctor and she comes out with the same thought about that 2nd bandage! Paramedics tell me if the bandage shows signs of going red to call them out again (Obviously! šŸ™„ ). Back in the house we go. Mom kind of reassured that all is well (Hopefully) and I go back upstairs to try and relax. 3am, oh my god!! Dad screams up the stairs for me to get down right away. Iā€™ve some how ended up on my bed fully clothed, trainers still on, must of dropped off through sheer lack of sleep and in a daze stumble out of my room to the top of the stairs to see dad is now on the phone in sheer panic to the emergency services!! šŸ˜® So, I run down the stairs into the kitchen and discover the most horrific scene Iā€™ve seen in a very long time. Best way to describe this one is someone that has gone into labour and their waters have broken!! It was freaking everywhere; and my 1st aid training just kicked in! Down side, from what I was doing, what I could see was the problem, the wound/stitching, dad wasnā€™t describing it right to the ems operator. So, I had to make the decision to leave mom, get the right information to the operator and take it from there, which I did. Keep forgetting, every time you tell the operator youā€™re 1st aid trained, do they then hang-up after saying, ā€œA response team are on their way, as a priority one!ā€ That means either an ambulance or a rapid responder has to get to you in 3-10 minutes! Letā€™s go with 20 minutes here, with me back in the kitchen applying pressure to stop the bleeding from the wound. Strange thing, I couldnā€™t see the stitches at all. Paramedics turned up, I gave them the report notes from the previous ems team; and then one said, ā€œLetā€™s put you in the ambulance and take you across the road!ā€ Dad went this time, I got asked if I was alright, said ā€œIā€™m just tired, been awake for almost 25 hours now, had work this morning, then all of this tonight!ā€ Paramedic was like, ā€œYou stay here, get some sleep, weā€™ll take your dad and get him/the hospital to keep you updated!ā€ The guy was telling his colleague, ā€œYou arenā€™t going to believe how long heā€™s been awake for!ā€ As they took both mom and dad out to the ambulance, with dad saying, ā€œYeah, heā€™s probably been awake longer than that, he only ever has 4 hours sleep a day!ā€ So yeah, try relaxing after that!! Still I dropped off around 530am; and woke again around 11am to get ready for work again. Mom was home again, to tell me that the reason there had been so much of a problem was down to the stitches that they surgeon had given her! Apparently theyā€™d performed keyhole surgery and given her a butterfly stitch. On top of that, theyā€™d applied dissoluble stitches to aid the healing process. Naturally, due to the 1st dressing being blood soaked, the dissoluble stitches well, dissolved! šŸ™„ So, I went to work, came home to discover mom had been back to A&E again that night, with the same problem regarding the stitches/bandages; and again yesterday whilst I was in work! Turns out, they checked her butterfly stitch under a magnifying scope and said whatever tool they had used to tie up the stitches, had cut the skin next to them; and that was the root of the problem, not the actual butterfly stitch - great - took 3 days to find that out, but in all, everyone had been so helpful in getting mom to a recovery point! Sheā€™s home again; and hopefully on the mend, now that the A&E team have corrected the fault. Still itā€™s been one hell of a few days, with my mind in work wandering at times with worry!! ā˜¹ ā€¦So, back to last night. Well, the night before was a tad up the wall, kind of forgot to do a few things, so the shift manager (Claire) was going mental. Kind of had to pull her to one side and say to the extent of what had gone on the past few days. I guess that came as a shock; and she kind of backed off, which was greatly needed. Not told any of the other crew members, only the management know. Still, last night, ha, we got battered by customers wanting food and only 4 crew members on, all having the night shift being their first night, so Claire and I have having to tell them everything that needs to be done!! We got it all done, but damn, weā€™re scheduled till 1am; and it was 320am when we left!! šŸ˜® The building re-opens to the morning team at 430am, so you get an idea of how far we were behind, how much we had to do!! Still, I spread the love with my mones. Had them (A second blast from when I went to work wearing them) on from after my break, x2 IShine, P96 12.5mcg, [P83](https://pheromonelabs.com/product/p83/) 10mcg and CTTM V2.0. I had that all mixed up in a togo bottle and had applied 4 sprays to both sides of my neck, Adamā€™s apple and hair. Must of done something as Claire and Leah just messed about, 1st time Iā€™ve seen Claire act that was in the month and a half Iā€™ve been there, lol. Even the spray bottles came out, lol, was like the fun times I used to have with AC in my other store, lol!! šŸ˜ƒ Probably why it took till 320am to get finished, lol, but it was far better than the usual, ā€œHow long??..ā€ question weā€™d get blasted from Claire every few minutes!! šŸ˜‰ Got to remember that mix again, hehe. Well, the 3 girls were told to clock-off and get their belongings, whilst Claire and I performed the final few security checks. Wow, didnā€™t expect to hear what claire said next!! She said, ā€œWeā€™ll have to find you a girlfriend, Iā€™m determined to find you a girlfriend!ā€ Here we go. Iā€™d be rich if I got paid every time someone said that to me, lol!! Still, Claire went on to say, ā€œI know your type, I know who you like!ā€ Hereā€™s me thinking, okay, which person/s in here am I supposed to be wanting to go out with? My mouth hit the floor with the name Claire came out with! ā€œYou want to go out with Rachel! (Thatā€™s RW!), Sheā€™s youā€™re type, the person you like!ā€ Safe to say I responded with, ā€œYeah, she is; and I miss her a lot!ā€ Claire replied with, ā€œIs she coming here when they close?ā€ I replied with, ā€œNo, sadly not. She is going to Bootle or Aintree as it is close to where she lives, although I said to Coral Iā€™d pay her taxi fare to and from if she wanted to come!ā€ Got the ā€œAww,ā€ look from Claire. I went on to say, ā€œIā€™m probably the last person sheā€™s thought about this past week anyhow, as sheā€™s been on holiday to Ibiza! I was tempted to get on a plane myself, jet off, maybe not to join her, lol, Iā€™m no stalker, but still, would of liked to have gone myself. Itā€™s known as Scouse Weekend, as nearly everyone from Liverpool descends on the Island, lol, so there would probably be someone I know over there! But yeah Claire, I miss her very much; and that was the hardest thing for me to leave my old store, as I couldnā€™t bring her with me!ā€ Got the ā€œAww,ā€ response again, for Claire to say, ā€œWell, at this years Xmas party, I will find you a girlfriend!ā€ Yeah, like that is going to happen, I might end up in an apartment again, with my decks, lol!! Anyhow, itā€™s my day off; and Iā€™m having my first relaxing day of doing nothing! Obviously checking on mom from time to time, but so far, sheā€™s not been back to the hospital today, so hopefully now, she is finally on the mend!! Speak later. NH. ---
**Author:** ![Dee\_A](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7bcc69/32.png) [@Dee\_A](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Dee_A)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2017, 4:29pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/night_hawks-pheremone-journal/43688/451 "2017-08-10T16:29:04Z")
Youā€™re momā€™s amazing! šŸ™‚ Iā€™ll include her in my prayers tonight. Maybe give her some of your happy mones? šŸ™‚ ---
**Author:** ![Night\_Hawk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/3bc359/32.png) [@Night\_Hawk](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Night_Hawk)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2017, 4:18pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/night_hawks-pheremone-journal/43688/452 "2017-08-18T16:18:19Z")
Thanks Dee, I think it might of worked! šŸ™‚ So, it took 3 days for the hospital A&E department to realise that Mom had been given the wrong stitches from her operation and had to redo them for her. Finally seems to be on the mend, but that 1st day, damn, I do not want to go through that ever again!! So, Iā€™m on my leave now, day 5 of 3 weeks off; and despite a nice firm breeze outside every day, Iā€™ve been out in the garden doing my DIY projects that Iā€™ve had on hold for the past year due to that idiot at the bottom of our garden! Safe to say heā€™s not made any appearances in the past month; and usually heā€™s spying on me through the fence, or his wife is; and Iā€™ve not had any of that so far. Either heā€™s seen himself on YouTube, as I uploaded every single CCTV video of everything they did, or his solicitor has had a nice convo with my legal team and discovered heā€™s on a hiding to nothing if we go to court! Either way, itā€™s nice to be able to do what you want without having someone shout or stare at you through and over the fence, especially when they live on the next street to us!! So far, Iā€™ve laid a few flags at one end of our garden to make it easier to cut the crass and get to the raised borders; and Iā€™ve just finished making a concrete path. Well, I was asked to fill in the cracks/gaps of the existing path, thought it made sense to completely cover the whole lot and start over. Garden is looking pretty darn good, as are my grapes in the greenhouse, lol. Never grown them before, but every year I buy something new and last year I got 3 vines. Got two black and one white vine, all with 8 bunches in total, not bad for a first time at growing them! Might have over done it on the chilli plants this year, lol, at last count I have over 30 young plants. Ah well, theyā€™ll come in handy when it comes to winter, lol. Cucumbers, tomatoes, strawberries and blueberries. Off to the Southport Flower Show ([Southport Flower Show 2017 | UK Garden Show](http://www.southportflowershow.co.uk/) ), tomorrow for a tad of inspiration. I take mom every year. This year I thought I might be going on my own, but mom is strong-willed and determined to go tomorrow with me. Deffo taking it easy if she does, as sheā€™s not supposed to do anything for 6 weeks; and thatā€™s one long day on your feet. May end up buying one of those portable camping chairs that they have on sale at the show each year! Had a heart stopping moment a couple of days ago when Rachel posted on our social media site that someone had practically tried to stalk her in a car whilst she waited to get the bus home after work! You know you feel helpless when you hear something like that, but her boss picked her up and took her home, the guy in the car sped off when he clearly realised she was no longer on her own! Scary stuff; and Iā€™m so glad that she is safe, think Iā€™d go out of my mind if I knew something had happened to her! ā˜¹ Safe to say I immediately posted in response to her message with my concern, I guess if anything she was shaken up by it, but to think you canā€™t even go to/from work without some freak stalking you; and sadly thatā€™s something Iā€™ve seen happen a lot to all the female staff in McDonaldā€™s in the past couple of years; and these creeps just think its acceptable for them to do, as you see the same people usually over and over hitting on the female staff making untoward advances towards them when really, all they want to do is work; and for many, their boyfriends just so happen to be on shift when a lot of this happens! šŸ˜  I ended up in a conversation with another ex-colleague from the same store as Rachel, Sasha the person I did my Floor managerā€™s and first aid course with. Known her for a while; and mom knows her mom from the same church they attend. Well, the convo was in response to me posting on my media account about being unable to decide whether to mix music or write it, albeit, Iā€™d probably end up writing vocals of someone I was extremely missing. So, Sasha popped up on a private message and practically guessed whom I was talking about, even tagged Rachel in the original message, but sasha wrote in the PMā€¦ā€œI know she told me earlier this week the place isnā€™t the same without u making her smile.ā€ My current place of work isnā€™t the same without Rachel! I keep looking up at the door on every shift just expecting her to bounce through with the big smile she always has. Sheā€™s like a ray of sunshine, someone that I can safely say always puts a smile on _my_ face, makes me happy every single time that I see her; and Iā€™m greatly missing her, so much so, that Iā€™m contemplating on asking to move back to my old store. I know it sounds nuts, after everything Iā€™ve learnt in the 2 months since starting in this new hi-tech store, but something things I canā€™t get used to, the endless threats of the teenagers and adults that descend on the store every single night; and our focus end up on them for hours, instead of trying to run the business; and the very fact that I miss my best friend. Sure, Iā€™d be going back to problems, probably in the form of 8 people I was so eager to get away from, but I donā€™t know if I can do this anymore, itā€™s a horrid feeling; and even with the mones that make me so happy, not seeing that person, that smile, those feelings that I began to have weeks before I left, I just donā€™t know anymore. I just no that it cannot go on for much more; and hearing what happened to Rachel makes me want to see her, protect her even more. Iā€™m actually tempted to walk in and ask her out for dinner, probably get a ā€œNo!ā€ and that would be that, but itā€™s something on my mind a lot as of late, especially after that crazy app message Rachel shared a couple of months back, saying I would be her ā€˜Plan Bā€™ if she were still to be single in 10 years! šŸ˜ƒ I feel like saying, ā€œDo I really have to wait that long?!!ā€ šŸ˜• Probably, but if I then end up with the one person that truly makes me happy; and from what Sasha has posted, I make Rachel smile, then why not? Ah, this is all hypothetical thoughts. Moving on, if I can. Iā€™m out in a few hours with my friend Mike. Not seen him since April and I donā€™t know if Brian and Steve are out too, weā€™ll have to see when I meet up. Stiil, may end up at some point meeting most of the gang from my old store, as two sisters (Twins) are having their 18th tonight. I was invited, but even though Iā€™d of liked to have gone, I donā€™t know when Iā€™ll next get to see my friend Mike; and I just have to meet up with him. Hereā€™s hoping the rest come into town later, like they usually do, might then get to meet up with them and continue partying. So yeah, Iā€™m going armed with my happy mones. IShine most definitely, as I have no idea what Iā€™m drinking, but the boost of energy is needed after all the flagging Iā€™ve done, my arms are beginning to ache! Might do IShine x2, [P83](https://pheromonelabs.com/product/p83/) 10mcg, P96 12.5mcg, CTTM v2 and TUTH 5mcg in a TOGO bottle. Wish me luck; and Iā€™ll post some time probably on Sunday! Speak later, NH. ---
**Author:** ![Dee\_A](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7bcc69/32.png) [@Dee\_A](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Dee_A)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2017, 5:30am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/night_hawks-pheremone-journal/43688/453 "2017-08-19T05:30:06Z")
Ask her. You are not getting younger, and every nice gals coming into your life will soon be snatched by others if you wonā€™t make your move now. šŸ™‚ ---
**Author:** ![Night\_Hawk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/3bc359/32.png) [@Night\_Hawk](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Night_Hawk)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2017, 2:30pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/night_hawks-pheremone-journal/43688/454 "2017-08-24T14:30:33Z")
Well, the night out went well, er? šŸ˜  Well, it started off fairly good, but towards the end, it was another thing entirely; and I began to wish Iā€™d gone to the twins party! šŸ™„ Before I left, I got asked for ā€œThe Stuffā€ by Mike in a private conversation on our media site, so I made up a batch of my ā€˜Party mixā€™ into a TOGO bottle: IShine 5mcg (10 sprays), IO 5mcg (10 sprays), CTTM V2 2.5mcg (5 sprays), TUTH 5mcg (5 sprays) and P96 12.5mcg (10 sprays) - 1200mcg divided by the 40 (Approx) sprays you get in a TOGO bottle = 30mcg of mixed mones per spray! Remember EHā€™s party, were pretty much I had a blast all night and felt like a) I hadnā€™t drank all night and; b) Everyone seemed socially active around me. Only thing I didnā€™t do was the 8 dabs of hedione. Didnā€™t even think about it to be honest, but then, this was a night out with a friend. I wasnā€™t out looking to pick anyone up thatā€™s for sure! As far as I was concerned, it was a night out to chat, relax and have a laugh. So, as I went to leave in my taxi for the 20 minute journey to the City centre bar that I was meeting Mike in, I got a call off of another friend whom neither of us have seen for nearly 3 years!! Mark, our other friend had been contacted by Mike to ask if he wanted to go out for a few drinks; and it was he whom had called me to ask for the meet-up location - great!! We both get to the bar 30 minutes later than planned; and Mike uses my cell to text another one of his friends to see if he is out to play and wanting to join us?!! This guy never seems to have any credit on his phone, so instead of me writing the text, as I have a nice old K700i, I made him do it, lol. That took the best part of 15 minutes would you believe and it gave Mark and I a chance to catch-up on what each of us were doing. Text sent, we sat down in the corner of the bar and notice this guy going around from table to table appearing to ask the customers something; and theyā€™d all look back with a ā€œAre you joking with us?ā€ look. Eventually, he gets to us and it turns out that this particular bar is selling a new lager by Guinness; and would we basically like free glasses of the stuff, lol!! Ask 3 thirsty guys another daft question, of course we would, lol!! šŸ˜ƒ Well, one things for certain, I donā€™t think I could manage the 3rd free pint, it was nice, but it felt like I was drinking cement, a heavy lager, but it was free; and like I said, nice. Had to have our photos taken each time we got a pint, mind, so that the dude offering it to us, got paid, or at least that was the story he was telling us, lol. šŸ™‚ So, weā€™re having a laugh, catching up on old times and I decided to go to the bar and get a bottle of beer, well corona with a nice slice of lime. Next thing I know, I have this guy asking me for my autograph!! Say what??!! šŸ˜® Turns out, this guy thinks Iā€™m a footballer (Soccer player), lol. Tried everything to convince this guy heā€™d mistaken me for someone else, but he turned to his mates and they all started chanting ā€œFranny Jeffers,ā€ all over the bar, lol!! šŸ˜ƒ Thing is, up until that point, I had know idea who they were going on about, lol, I follow ice hockey more than soccer, still I just smiled and went back to my friends, sadly followed by this guy, lol! Mike was like, ā€œWhat are they all going on about?ā€ I told him; and he burst out laughing saying, ā€œNow that you mention it, you do actually look like him, lol!ā€ Yeah, thanks for the support. Took a good 10 minutes for mike and mark to get through to this guy that I was just a normal guy out with friends for a quiet drink (Plus free lager, lol). Unfortunately, the entire bar was now chanting ā€œFranny Jeffers, we love you!ā€ Over and over, lol, with mike and mark in stitches laughing! So, yeah, that was probably the best the night could of gone! We stayed another 20 minutes then left, with Mike eager for some reason to go to another bar. Iā€™d heard of it. Never been in it. Why? Well, it was deemed a ā€˜bikersā€™ bar; and weā€™re all dressed for going clubbing, lol. At this point, I pulled out my ā€˜Party Mixā€™ TOGO bottle, as I was becoming a tad merry from the free lager, plus what Iā€™d also consumed on top of it, to have Mark go, ā€œWhoa, what is that?!!ā€ šŸ˜® Mike was like, ā€œDonā€™t spray me with that, not after last time!ā€ Funny really, seeing as heā€™d asked me to bring it out with me!! šŸ˜• Had to then tell Mark about the last time ā€œThe Stuffā€ got used, lol. Mark all the way down to the bar, the 10 minute walk kept questioning if it worked, lol; and I asked a few times if he wanted a spray; and he was one second saying ā€œYes,ā€ then another saying ā€œNo!ā€ So in the end, when he wasnā€™t looking, as we approached the bar, I hit him with 2 sprays to the back of his neck and didnā€™t say another word, lol. Well, mark is skeptical about everything, mones clearly one of them. Donā€™t know what heā€™s afraid of. Weā€™d tried, Mike and I, all night to find out what job he had now; and he was being guarded not to say what it was. Safe to say we were indeed over dressed when we went in to the bar! Indeed, this place was not like any bar Iā€™ve ever been in, nor did I think Iā€™d leave in one piece if Iā€™m honest. A vampires lair, as all eyes were on us as we went in; and yeah, I was a tad nervous to say the least. Crazy thing was though, on my lovely friends heading straight for the upstairs toilets, leaving me at the bar to order, did I spot an old work colleague in the corner of the bar with a group of his friends; and he came over to say ā€œHi.ā€ Nice guy, Martin; and we had a brief chat whilst the other two had gone missing! Well, when they came back, it soon became apparent why we where in this bar!! Mike was attempting to locate a young woman called ā€˜Bethā€™ that heā€™d met up a week or so earlier at one of his theatre workshops! Okay, letā€™s just rewind here. Mike is about 10 years older than me, has a partner; and that weekend, she was in Dublin visiting family. Yeah, my so-called friend Mike was effectively cheating on his partner with this young 26 year old; and it dawned on me why he wanted to go out on Friday, why it _had_ to be Friday, as Iā€™d originally suggested Thursday, it was because ā€˜Bethā€™ was out and about in this bar on Friday, heā€™d arranged to meet-up with her at the workshop. Nice eh! šŸ˜  We have a name for people like that - rats. Itā€™s not the first time heā€™s done this to this partner either, he did it 2 years back with another girl he met at one of these workshops. Let us also not forget the flat party I got invited to. That too was a night out where his intentions was to pick up someone. So, Mark and I were basically the stop gap in between; and possibly the rest of the night in the event that ā€˜Bethā€™ never turned up!! šŸ˜  Even Mark twigged when ā€˜Bethā€™ came down and joined us all. Stranger still, it would appear that mike had competition, lol. This guy in an iron maiden t-shirt kept coming down, ignoring all of us and asking Beth to go back upstairs to join him! She was like, ā€œNo, Iā€™m staying here with Mike!ā€ In the end, she gave in; and we all went upstairs to a smaller bar area, with some guy walking round dressed in a white suit. Looked like one of the villains out of a James bond movie, lol, proper creepy looking!! Anyhow, the ā€˜Party Mixā€™ was clearly taking effect on Mark as he was no longer quiet! He was sat next to a couple clearly trying to have a quiet drink, Mark sat next to the lady. Clearly the mix was having a reaction on all those around, even I overcame the fear of being in unfamiliar territory. Well, the couple next to Mark suddenly came to life; and donā€™t ask me how or why, but the lady reached into her bag, pulled out her cell; and started to show Mark photos of her kids, lol! šŸ˜• Then, we had the ā€œGuess our age game?ā€ Started by Mark, lol, certainly put a smile on my face yet again!! What do I keep saying? I donā€™t look my age, feel 26; and forever get told Iā€™m between 26 and 31! šŸ˜ƒ Well, yep, I am indeed apparently 26, lol!! I give up. Tempted to go to the Births Marriages and Deaths office and have my birth certificate amended to reflect what everyone keeps telling me, lol. To be fair we thought the couple were in their late 40ā€™s/early 50ā€™s, shock on us when we heard the lady say she was 29; and the guy was 39. Mark was on a role, never seen him like that, never seen him so lively, talking non-stop to complete strangers, even found out his job, he was that comfortable telling us all, including the couple whom seemed to now be talking to us like weā€™d known them for years, lol. Then sadly, I looked to my left and Mike was now chewing the face off of Beth with iron maiden dude looking on in desperation sat at the very next table! Why do people do that? I canā€™t grasp the way some people have to go behind their so called loved ones back and effectively cheat on them with one or more people! Itā€™s just wrong in my book; and I would of thought by now heā€™d of learnt the error of his ways, but I guess not!! So, this kind of went on for another hour and mark and I in the end got fed up of it. So much for our night out, Mike clearly was using us; and I was expecting my cell to go with Mikeā€™s partner on the end checking up to see if he really was out. Yes, that really has happened repeatedly when weā€™ve gone out on nights out with his partner calling me, to check-up on the person sheā€™s been with for a number of years, almost like heā€™s been saying heā€™s been with me on other nights, when heā€™s probably been out with someone else!! How she got my number, I do not know, but each time she rings, I just hand my phone to Mike. Didnā€™t get this, this time around, kind of wished I had, would of loved to see the look on both their faces when I said, ā€œHere, this call is for you, your partner is on the phone!ā€ Still, there was a sudden call amongst the other revelers in the bar to move onto another club, a 3 level bar/club that Iā€™ve not been to for a couple of years. It has different music on each level, one being rock. The top floor is more my liking with the dance/trance/edm music, with the occasional Japanese tech/trapara thrown in every now and then depending on which DJ is playing that night! Nothing like being ale to keep up with the handful of Japanese 20 somethings doing their tech/trapara dance moves and giving me strange looks on wondering how I know them, lol. Easy, I used to write/produce music for the Japanese scene a few years back, sell it over there, hehe. Back to the night out before I do one of my ā€˜off trackā€™ thoughts! So, Beth was apparently going to this venue, as was the dude and his fan club in the iron maiden t-shirt! Mike, he didnā€™t want to go, wanted Beth to leave with him, so everyone ended up at the bar downstairs. Well, this girl is definitely a player, as she was now stood talking with/interacting with the other dude. Mark went the toilet again with the words that he was calling it a night and going home afterwards! Mike and I went outside; and on mark joining us, we made our way slowly (Without Beth) towards where youā€™d get a taxi. Mark on the other hand just happened to say that iron maiden dude was getting a tad full-on with Beth. Great. Mike did a u-turn straight back to the bar!! Seriously?!! Only one thought in my mind, he was off for a fight. Split between mark and mike, I said my goodbyes to mark, said Id go and keep mike from starting anything. Well, he was in the bar when I got there, stood against a wall just looking at Beth and iron maiden dude just staring at each others eyes!! Okay. Could see Mike clench one of his fists! Said to him, ā€œDonā€™t do it, itā€™s not worth it!ā€ He then tried grabbing at Bethā€™s arm; and she just ignored him! Told him again; and you could just see he wasnā€™t interested, so I said, ā€œI usually defend you when someone attacks you, but not for this! This is wrong and you know it! Iā€™m sorry mate, but youā€™re on your own from here on in, Iā€™m caling it a night! I suggest you think long and hard and do the same!ā€ With that I left. Yeah, like I said a good night to start off with, then everything went downhill later on! So, youā€™d think that would be the end of it, but nope, next morning Mike is on the social media site in a private message telling me of the great night heā€™d had the night before! For him yeah, mark and I, no. So I asked if he went home alone; and he said he did not long after me, as Beth and the dude went off to the other venue! He went on to say heā€™d see her again this week, probably Friday; and wanted to then know if I wanted to go out again on, FRIDAY!! Seriously?!! Not a chance, I donā€™t support ā€˜Ratsā€™ cheating on their partners, not flipping happening!! It was done to me years ago, kind of one of the reasons I stopped going out with people, kind of lost the ability to trust! Brings me back to Rachel. Sheā€™s been in that position herself by ā€˜ratsā€™; and yeah I know what youā€™ve posted Dee, but her store is now closed for a month. Plus side; and Iā€™m hoping beyond hope that I see her, is that sheā€™s going to Creamfields on Saturday!! Sometimes I wish I had the ability to turn back time, do and say things differently, ah, no such luck. Even Coral was saying in a private chat 3 days ago that I might see Rachel on Saturday, almost like I get the impression that theyā€™ve been told something by Rachel, whether to keep it secret, but not giving me the whole story, almost like people are willing me to do something, say something. Maybe sheā€™s reading this, who knows? She had her own forum login since June, but I donā€™t think sheā€™s used it yet. Could be wrong, it took me 2 months before I made my 1st post, reading everything on the forums first, before creating this journal and eventually as of October last year, opening up with things Iā€™ve kept to myself for what feels like an eternity! A great relief from doing that, even more so from what I posted in December. I feel normal again, although can anyone call the images I see before me normal? Nope, but then I only know of one person that has a similar if not same mind. Only thing I need to do now is follow my heart, do what it tells me; and hope beyond all hope that the person it falls for also has those feelings. One more day to go; and I might be lucky enough to find out. Fingers crossed. Ah, itā€™ll be like the apartment in December when I did the DJing. Iā€™m there for the music, if Iā€™m lucky to see Rachel, then well, weā€™ll see. Speak later. NH. ---
**Author:** ![Dee\_A](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7bcc69/32.png) [@Dee\_A](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Dee_A)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2017, 1:19pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/night_hawks-pheremone-journal/43688/455 "2017-08-25T13:19:27Z")
In this era where glittering personalities abound, itā€™s hard to spot the real diamonds. But one proven word of formula is this ā€“ **you simply need to ask to know**. Yeah, this is the risk we all take for love. Risk, because thereā€™s always the possibility getting a rejection as a response. The good thing about this though is that, if one knows itā€™s a nay, then itā€™s quicker to move on and find another prospect until they found that elusive aye. Sometimes, a rejection is actually a key to freedom. Because sometimes, loving one person in silence is the same with being in a prison. I hope youā€™ll go meet her in that festival. I hope too that sheā€™s reading this journal of yours. Because through this sheā€™ll have a glimpse of the real you. šŸ™‚ Because through this, sheā€™ll know that whatever great vibe the pheromones are enhancing, are actually your natural vibes. The mones are not deceiving her. It only intensifies your nice true personality. šŸ™‚ ---
**Author:** ![Night\_Hawk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/3bc359/32.png) [@Night\_Hawk](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Night_Hawk)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2017, 1:28pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/night_hawks-pheremone-journal/43688/456 "2017-09-08T13:28:49Z")
This is a quick check-in. Not posted in over a week, but the mammoth post from Creamfields and this week will be coming before Monday! I will say this, the ā€˜Party Mixā€™ that I make up in TOGOā€™s was a huge success at the Music Festival, I was in shock both days, but sorry, more on that later when I post my journal update!! Speak soon, Iā€™m on nights in work, armed with my ā€˜Party Mixā€™ hehe, total fun vibe every time I use it!! šŸ†’ NH. ---
**Author:** ![Night\_Hawk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/3bc359/32.png) [@Night\_Hawk](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Night_Hawk)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2017, 9:58pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/night_hawks-pheremone-journal/43688/457 "2017-09-12T21:58:44Z")
So, before I post the post I should have probably done a couple of weeks ago, I first need to post what an idiot Iā€™ve been, yet again! Seriously not going to learn am I? Need to stop listening to people, as Iā€™m forever being told by CD to write to RW on our social media site, tell her how much I miss working with her, which I do, as does CD. I miss all of them, actually. Even got Claire, another shift manager in my workplace, constantly shouting across the room at me, when I gaze into space, ā€œAre you thinking about Rachel?ā€ Nope, Iā€™m looking at that horrid image thing displayed in front of me. Still wish I knew who told her about RW, bugs me when I discover people are being told things without my knowledge. Beginning to stare more and more at the floor now, as Iā€™m still seeing everything from nearly a year ago. I know this journal has been great to get out of my head what the heck has been driving me mad pretty much every day, but damn what I didnā€™t expect was what happened 2 days ago! So, as you know, RW and I have been sending those stupid app things back and forth for a few months, hell I even spotted sheā€™d posted a duplicate of one to her snapchat a couple of weeks back, didnā€™t expect to see it if Iā€™m honest, but all in the name of fun with friends I guess! Whatā€™s happened now you ask? Well in response to the private message I got a couple of weeks ago, (Recap: ā€¦ā€œShe told me earlier this week the place isnā€™t the same without you making her smile.ā€) soft idiot here saw what I thought was an appropriate image on another post I saw that read, ā€œIf you donā€™t withdrawal symptoms after not seeing you best pal for a few days, are you even best friends?ā€ The image suggested youā€™d tag the name of your ā€˜best friendā€™, I didnā€™t. Instead I posted above it on my own personal news feed, ā€œEvery single day! I look at the front door in work expecting to see my BFF bounce through with their happy, friendly personality.ā€ Well, you know I miss her, best person I can call a friend; and yes I did see her at Creamfields, just never spoke to her directly. Maybe I should of, but I was in an elevated area to where she was, with a group of male and female friends. Saw her for about 10 seconds, then she left with 2 female friends. Was the last I saw of her. I actually said to my sister, ā€œThatā€™s my best friend Rachel down there!ā€ Whom then tried to get me to go down and see her in person. Probably should of done as maybe none of what has now happened would have done, but my fault again, as per usual!! So, not long after posting the above image, did CD respond with ā€œTag her NH.ā€ Wasnā€™t going to, no need, everything we write can be seen by those in the group/list that you assign the posts to, Rachel would of possibly seen it at some point, when scrolling through the news feed. Yet, Lucy then joined the conversation, tagged Rachelā€™s name and immediately got the response of ā€œF-off.ā€ Yeah, wasnā€™t expecting that!! Wasnā€™t expecting NBS to then send me yet another notification email that I had a -1 on my social media a/c!! Yeah, I had that bad feeling for the 2nd time in less than a year, that maybe, just maybe Rachel had taken it the wrong way; and indeed she had by unfriending me! Pah. When am I going to learn, huh, always end up listening to people giving me the wrong info; and every time I act on it, bam, I pay the consequences!! Seriously though, my head is wrecked, she truly was a great friend, someone I could trust to give access to this journal, be able to read everything I post in here. Thatā€™s a big thing for me, trust, Iā€™ve been let down by so many people over the years, that I tend to keep my guard up all of the time. Sadly even that has come to go against me, as people donā€™t see me for me, they just judge; and that now brings me onto what I posted today. This whole thing has been going around and around in my head for the past 2 days, of what I shouldnā€™t of done, should of maybe said sooner. Letā€™s face it, I now know for sure that Rachel doesnā€™t know why I call her my best friend. Iā€™ll attach all those post #'s at the end of this post, in the event that she comes in and reads what I am now posting. She knows that I am, as Iā€™ve been in a private message with another one of our friends. I think sheā€™s the mediator, based on what Iā€™ve been reading this past hour from her private posts of advice to me, but the 2nd post, which has brought the daggers out by the looks of it, from other people, in my mind I wanted to send a message directly to Rachel, say sorry for being an idiot for one, then explaining the reason for calling her my best friend; and posting what I did. Letā€™s face it, she sends them to me, any reason for me not to send them back? Seemed like the right thing to do, no harm in it, as thatā€™s what friends do, right? Wrong, by the looks of it!! Then all the other comments that she has said to others, kind of a mind melt in screwing with ones own thinking of what may have actually been said, but clearly the 1st post had been taken way out of context. I know Dee, you said ā€œAsk her out.ā€ But really, after Rachel chewing my head off 4 years ago, I was scared to even think about it. I know CD and others over the past 3 months have told me to ask also, hence me wondering what else has been said, I guess now, nothing, or if something has, they too have taken it out of context! Total nightmare!! This other post though, it read, " Sometimes I wish to god people understood me! Hate having to explain after something has happened, when they take it the wrong way! 5 years is a long time not to know why you call someone your best friend!! I guess I should of been more open, than keeping it to myself or writing it in my journal but thatā€™s me, I donā€™t like sharing what I think, what I feel, even though I trusted this person with everything and still do, I donā€™t think they shall speak with me again after a couple of days ago. Gutted isnā€™t even close to how I currently feel." I posted the above on my break, had to leave it at that, go back to work, my head still in bits. Well, some of my RL staff are working in my store for the next couple of weeks; and one of the managers, Paul said to Lucy, ā€œHey have you seen what NH has posted? More to the point have you seen what ā€˜Abbieā€™ has responded with?ā€ Iā€™m on an opposite side of where they are working, heā€™s not even sharing this with me! So, I walked around to where they were and said, ā€œI can hear what youā€™re saying, you know? Whatā€™s been posted?ā€ He was hesitant to show me at first, but Lucy told him to show me. Damn! Didnā€™t expect to read that!! Abbie posted, " Mate itā€™s not taking something the wrong way when youā€™re obsessing over a girl half your age." 1st of all, sheā€™s not half my age, mid to late 20ā€™s I think, but yes, younger than me. Still, didnā€™t expect that comment. I couldnā€™t comment back, as I was on the floor working, no phones allowed for us, they get away with it, as theyā€™re not from my store! So, now I have Paul and Lucy telling me that Rachel is weird and shouldnā€™t take it like it has been taken, out of context; and that Iā€™m better off without having her as a friend! Really? Donā€™t think so. Kind of wasnā€™t her fault, sheā€™s seen what Iā€™ve posted, taken it the wrong way and acted in what she probably thought was of her own best interest to unfriend me, probably thought I was some mad guy. Actually no, wait she did, lol!! Forgot to mention that crazy NBS thing again! Every couple of days I get messages from all of my social media a/cā€™s and other media platforms such as youtube, twitter, soundcloud, mixcloud, myspace, etc (I could go on, but I am a member of 56 media platforms! Well, I use it as a means to advertise my music/DJ mixes. NBS takes all the trouble of having to post to each individual site; and it then tracks all the data and sends it to me. Thatā€™s how I found out ā€˜Xā€™ unfriended me, with the ā€˜-1ā€™ email, got the same 2 days ago with Rachel, pah.) But going back to NBS, I got an email 2 days ago with 3 names of people on Twitter, one being Rachelā€™s with a copy of a Tweet sheā€™d posted. Clearly that was intended for me (But not to me directly), I certainly didnā€™t expect to see it, but it made me realise there and then that she didnā€™t know what I meant when I said she was my ā€˜best friendā€™ and someone that I could ā€˜trust anything withā€™! ā€¦ā€œHonestly, why do i attract the weird bastards tht act like there goin to tie me up&lock me in there basement for 24 years. Fritzel behaviour.ā€ Nice! Compare me to a lunatic! How the hell did writing one post get to Rachel thinking and posting that?!! Especially after everything she has sent me over the years, not to mention everyone else sharing with me things sheā€™s supposed to have said?!! Like I said at the start, nightmare!! So, Iā€™ve been locked in a private chat with my friend Sasha; and I get the feeling, based on what she was saying to me, she was also in another private chat with Rachel. As I said, she was the mediator! Sasha effectively wants me to lay low and not say anything to Rachel for a few weeks. Have told her Iā€™m posting in here to clear my head; and that Rachel has access to read this. I then got told, ā€¦ā€œShe hasnā€™t told anyone your log in which is good. She has still kept your trust.ā€ I guess thatā€™s something to be slightly happy about, that she still trusts me, wish to god Iā€™d not posted that post now, really, really stupid thing to do!! It felt right at the time, especially after what Sasha had posted to me, but looking back now, after all of this, it was a bad, bad idea!! As you know I canā€™t remove anything on my media a/c, can only hide it from view due to my a/c as of October last year, getting merged with my Dev a/c. So, now I have the grim task like in October of attempting to ā€˜hideā€™ these two posts before Rachel get harassed even more! Iā€™ve managed to hide the 1st one, but there are that many settings to tick and untick just to hide something, itā€™s a flippinā€™ nightmare to say the least!! Why I canā€™t delete anything is beyond me?!! Only thing I can remove is Live stream videos off of my dev a/c, but nothing else! I give up. As I type this, Iā€™m still in conversation with Sasha. Looks like the ā€˜hate clubā€™ have started up their latest tactic. Just been asked by Sasha had I shown her message to another manager that works with her and Rachel. Canā€™t deny it, nor would I, in the heat of the moment, 2 days ago, I showed it to Wez. Donā€™t ask me what else has been said, or continues to do so, but clearly 9 hours after I posted the 2nd post, this is something that people cannot let go. Like I said in other posts, Iā€™m their entertainment; and it would seem that they are now using it to stir up even more trouble, not just for me, but for Sasha as well. Really, really hate myself right now, this has caused nothing but problems!! ā˜¹ All I have to do now is, locate and write down all the page #'s of the posts I wrote from March to present date in the off-chance that Rachel comes in here and wants to read them. Chances of that happening, slim, but she has every right to read what has been posted. March 10th, 2017, 07:34 PM Post #366 - Page 37. March 16th, 2017, 08:00 AM Post #371 - Page 38. March 17th, 2017, 06:58 AM Post #372 - Page 38. March 19th, 2017, 11:37 PM Post #374 - Page 38. March 31st, 2017, 10:10 PM Post #378 - Page 38. April 7th, 2017, 07:49 PM Post #379 - Page 38. April 13th, 2017, 10:59 AM Post #380 - Page 38. April 29th, 2017, 12:22 PM Post #388 - Page 39. I know thatā€™s a lot of posts, got a few more to come, but Iā€™m physically and mentally exhausted! Seriously fighting sleep; and this throbbing pain in my heart just wonā€™t go away. Had it for two days now, since realising what had happened on posting that first message. Clearly everything has taken its toll. Supposed to be out tonight with work, seriously cannot see that happening. Will see how I am when I awake later, if I do, lol. Think my heads trying to shut me down and wipe what it can. Been a very long time since it has done that. 72 hours of no one being able to wake me may just be about to start. I hope not, especially as Sasha keeps checking in to see how I am every couple of hours. A really nice person, someone else as I posted recently wished for me to return to my previous store. Maybe this has just blocked that from happening, who knows. All I know is, if I canā€™t return, Iā€™m going to be left with no choice but to leave; and that is something I cannot do, donā€™t want to do, as I have come to enjoy this job. Speak later, hopefully, got more pages to post in the off chance that Rachel comes in to check what has been posted. Speak later. NH. **EDIT:** Iā€™ve had to change the links to page #'s as they werenā€™t working; and redirecting to the wrong places. Sorry about that! ---
**Author:** ![Dee\_A](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7bcc69/32.png) [@Dee\_A](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Dee_A)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2017, 3:00am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/night_hawks-pheremone-journal/43688/458 "2017-09-13T03:00:07Z")
Sad to hear this NH. But I think the best way to resolve this is the old school way. You are a nice guy and has been misunderstood, mostly by the people you love. So I guess itā€™s time for you to stop trying and making yourself understood via electronic means and find some time to go and talk to them. RW specifically. I know this sounds not good now but I have to say this, my friend. Man up, and talk to her as a man should, and put an end to this. Iā€™ll second the advice of Sasha too. I know this is weird but telling her you are sorry is your best move now, at least if you want to patch things up with her. If sheā€™s not open to talking to you now, then keep your silence, stop commenting on the issue via the net (you donā€™t have to explain yourself to anyone but RW anyway), go on with your life and if fate made its move to put the two of you in a crossroad then the first thing you have to say to her is that you are sorry. Do not be afraid of rejection as rejection is also a way to liberate yourself from hopeless situations. So the next time you fall in love, tell the girl, and not the net. I think you deserve to wear an A314 oil + IShine combo on weeks to come. šŸ™‚ ---
**Author:** ![Night\_Hawk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/3bc359/32.png) [@Night\_Hawk](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Night_Hawk)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2017, 5:37am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/night_hawks-pheremone-journal/43688/459 "2017-09-16T05:37:59Z")
I havenā€™t added any more links (above), other than amend the post with page numbers. The links went somewhere other than where I wanted! Dee, as always, you are right! I allowed Sasha to see what you posted and she responded with, ā€œThat was a lovely message from Dee, NH. She seems like an amazing friend. I would definitely follow her advice, but about speaking to Rachel I would leave it for a week or two as things are quite fresh and everyone is still trying to get involved etc xxx.ā€ Well, as the days have gone on, the thought of ā€˜leaving itā€™ made me think that the damage would become irreparable if I left not speaking for weeks. I felt the need to apologise at the very least; and that it had to be done as soon as possible! Last night, I was poised to post what I can only describe as the hardest thing I have had to do in a very long time! Sasha asked if she wanted to alert Rachel that something was coming over from me. Hesitant, I agreed, purely due to the sheer size of the post I would be sending her, as pretty much everyone I know reads everything via a cell; and well, we all know that even the smallest paragraph may come across as a lengthy read. In my case, it was; and Iā€™d written out 3 pages of A4 paper! Sasha sent the notification and seconds later came back to deliver devastating news, that Rachel didnā€™t want to read anything! ā˜¹ I guess that was a possibility that I should of foreseen, but didnā€™t!! She wanted to move on, but to me, with only one side of the picture; and it needed to be corrected. So, today in work, which was pretty good for most of it, I decided to try and pull my Business Manager to one side to ask could I transfer back to my old store. Ha, like that really didnā€™t go well, not one little bit! At one point, what with everything that has gone on this week, fresh in my head, did I begin to break down in front of him - not good, not good at all!! Looks like Iā€™m stuck here, paying stupid amounts of money a week to get to/from work, plus have the constant fear of being attacked be the endless gangs of adults and teenagers, whom carry weapons. The attacked one of my fellow managers a couple of days ago, actually, they went away and came back with more people for a second attack, but by then, the Police were on their way; and when they saw the blue lights, they ran!! Yeah, great week! Anyhow, this brings me to a few minute ago. I had to post what Iā€™d written, despite being told otherwise, it had to go. Whether or not it is seen is another thing, as Iā€™m on the ā€˜Unfriendā€™ setting, even though I can see my old PMā€™s Iā€™ve sent before this one, so who knows. Could also be that my a/c is somewhat different to everyone elseā€™s and over-rides the usual settings, who knows on that. This however is the messages I sentā€¦ > [@](#): > > Hi. > After speaking with Sasha last night, she told me after speaking with you, that you did not want me to send you what Iā€™ve written. I asked her to warn you that I intended to post an apology to you, but itā€™s 3 pages of A4; and I didnā€™t want to freak you out if you were reading it on a mobile screen! Following your ā€˜deniedā€™ request, I asked Sasha to show you what I wrote when she saw you next, as she has been mediating between us since this has happened. Except, I donā€™t want her to lose you as a friend, through doing something that I ask her to do for me! She is a good friend to both of us! Unfortunately, I donā€™t think either of us can move on until I have sent it! I suggest when the next post appears, you put everything in the ā€˜Archiveā€™ to read at a later time/date, when you are ready to do so. Only once you read it, may you understand. Iā€™m sorry Rachel, for the distress this has caused, I didnā€™t think for one minute that it would come to this, nor that others would get involved in the nature that many have. I guess this is, ā€œGoodbye.ā€ > > Rachel, I know Iā€™m probably the last person you want to hear from right now; and Iā€™ve been told to give you space but, I cannot leave it for weeks/months to the point that I feel it may become irreparable damage! > > I have to send my apology to you, say ā€œSorry.ā€ > > How did it come to this? I always saw you as a true friend, someone I could always talk to, share everything with. I always thought you understood that, understood me. I guess, I was wrong! > > Weā€™ve both shared things together over the years online and in person. Youā€™ve told me things in confidence, that I will never share with anyone! Likewise, you have done the same with me. Thatā€™s what friends do. Youā€™ve shared those app things/memes, I have too, didnā€™t think anything of it, laughed mostly at what you sent me. I was more surprised when I saw youā€™d forwarded that ā€˜10 year Plan Bā€™ app to snapchat. Didnā€™t mind, a bit of fun between your friends. To be fair after trying the same app myself, your name came up. Actually, I tried it 3 times, got the same result 3 times, couldnā€™t bring myself to share it, though! Call me a ā€œChicken,ā€ yep, I am. > > I donā€™t know what has been said, or by whom, but I am sorry if it has caused you distress! I donā€™t know why people take great joy in causing so many problems against people? Iā€™ve said for a very long time, Iā€™m certain peoplesā€™ entertainment, thatā€™s one of the reasons I left Rice Lane, to get away from the endless harassment both in store and online. Salaried didnā€™t give a damn, so I turned to my Journal, everything is in there! Strangely, it stopped when I left, or at least until now, I thought it had! > > Yes, I miss you, I cannot deny that. Iā€™m not some stalker, that you may think I am, never checked the schedule to see when you were in, but each time you came through that door, no matter how bad the shift had been up to that point, well, you are like a ray of sunshine that brings out the best in everyone! > > Sure, I have probably been mean over the years holding sweets over your head and making you jump for them, holding a few spiders/moths in front of you and watching you run like hell away, with me kind of chasing you, lol, sorry for that! I know I have the craziest names for everyone, been doing that for years, never act my age, should start at some point I guess. My head has never been right since what I saw as a kid in Germany; and at aged 22, keeping it to myself for so long, everything hit me hard. Been nuts ever since, blocking everything out I guess. Actually no, December was the first time I opened up and wrote it down. That page I told you about when I gave you the USB for Gemma. Actually, that wasnā€™t what I was referring to; and in reality I probably should of said to you to go from Emilyā€™s night out in March (Pg 37, post #374), but some times, even I think sharing things can lead to problems, which I why I never said anything, kept it to myself. The apartment/night out from December is on Pg 26, donā€™t know why I said for you to start reading from there, but it dawned on me right after saying it and you leaving the crew room that the bottom two posts are about Germany. Graphic is an understatement, with warnings for people not to read it! Those few there at A.D. with access that have read it, now see me in a different way, but itā€™s why I act the way I do, jump to peopleā€™s defence, care about everyone, respect everyone whether I know them or not. I donā€™t even think about my own safety anymore, I just think about those that mean the most to me; and want to do whatever to protect them. What I saw over those 4 and a half years changed me forever, canā€™t even bring myself to learn to drive over it. Having a photographic memory is hell, I never forget anything, wish I could, that was the 1st thing to happen to me in Germany, facial reconstruction surgery after an impact trauma, I guess thatā€™s why, Iā€™ve never been able to forget anything since; and even I donā€™t know where half the stuff I see comes from! Everyone tells me I donā€™t look my age, even in GHS only a handful of people know my actual age, everyone else thinks Iā€™m in my 20ā€™s. Hell, even I keep thinking Iā€™m 26, as for the past year thatā€™s the age people keep suggesting that I am, still get IDā€™d for Gods sake, how the heck is that possible?!! Reality check, Iā€™m old on paper, just donā€™t see it when I look in a mirror. > > Even that guy that smashed up the store just before I left, whatever the hell he did to me, my memory, after the 3rd time of going back in, trying to get everyone out, as my friends safety was all that was on my mind, that was the point that I realised in weeks to come I was leaving you, my best friend behind. I stood in front on the shake machine with him trying to rip out that till metres away, with you in my mind, with him screaming at me telling me he was going to kill me, with Nathan and 5 others cowering down Side 2. Thought, ā€œWell, if Iā€™m going to die here today, then Iā€™m going to do so thinking of those that mean the most to me!ā€ Only person I told that to was Wez, a few days after. Had to tell someone, it was driving me nuts! I actually asked, believe it or not, to Luke in front of Vicki right after the Police took my statement, were I was stupid enough to carry on working, could I take you with me to GHS! Okay, that may sound creepy and too far, but you have that personality that makes everything feel great, every single time; and from my point of view, even with Coral and Ste at GHS, shifts just wouldnā€™t be the same! They havenā€™t btw, Iā€™m always staring at the front door expecting you to bounce in, brighten up the shift, make it a fun atmosphere like you always do, of course in never happens! The place is so strict, the gangs are far, far worse than Rice Lane, I really want to come back! I donā€™t just miss working with you, I miss working with everyone, albeit I believe some have left, but with this, I donā€™t know if thatā€™s now possible, if the people that really do hate me in that store albeit as far as Iā€™m aware, itā€™s only a handful, have put a spanner in the works! That goes for you too I guess, if you donā€™t want me there then fair enough, it just means Iā€™ll be looking for an alternative job, I cannot stay at GHS much longer. > > Iā€™d also like to apologise for not saying ā€œHiā€ at Creamfields. Donā€™t know if you saw me or not in Nation on Saturday? I was upstairs, you were on the other side of the dance floor with a group of guys and two ladies. Saw you for about 10 seconds if that, said to my sister, who was with me at the time, ā€œThatā€™s my best friend Rachel, down there!ā€ She then tried to get me to go and see you, but you left with the 2 females before I had the chance. Probably should of done, maybe I wouldnā€™t be at this crossroads now! > > Honestly, where does it go from here? Your friendship I value dearly, I donā€™t think you realise how much of a friend you are to me; and thereā€™s not that many people I class as a true friend! I know that there canā€™t be more than friendship between us, despite some people recently suggesting otherwise. Iā€™ve always known that, ever since the day you screamed it at me 4 years ago; and then stormed out the building not long after screaming at Ste! Yep, sorry for being late, I was in the building having a shave, but you never gave me the chance to explain, not that it would have made much difference, I was late clocking in, end of. Shocked to say the least with what you said to me, mind you, as I thought I was pretty darn good up to that point in keeping things to myself. That was the day I decided there and then that being friends was better than anything else; and as years have gone on, I was right, you are a great friend to have, mad at times I must admit, you do come out with some crazy things, especially the lyrics to songs, lol, but thatā€™s what makes you, you and I wouldnā€™t want you to change ever, thatā€™s what I love about you, a great friend with a good heart, willing to help anyone that needs it! Even nights out have been the best when youā€™re there, youā€™re like the life and soul of the party and just make everyone happy! > > Whatever this has now done with me replying with these stupid app things, Iā€™m sorry! I honestly didnā€™t think it would come to this, nor did I think people would harass the hell out of you from me doing so! Whatever you decide from here, Iā€™ll except, even if it means not remaining friends. I hope it hasnā€™t come to that, but if it has, fair enough. If you need space still, I understand, I just couldnā€™t leave not saying anything for weeks as suggested to me, it had to be cleared now, not later! Again, Iā€™m sorry. If I see you personally and you let me, Iā€™ll say it again to your face, so that you can see that I genuinely mean it! To me, you will always be my friend, irrespective of the outcome. > > \*\*\*\* \<-My name. So, as of this morning Iā€™ve not heard anything more, nor has Rachel checked the message as she said she wouldnā€™t read it to Sasha if I did send it. I do know that at some time this week, sheā€™s supposed to be going abroad with family; and so far in the last 30 minutes Iā€™ve had a number call me twice, 10 minutes apart, that tracks back to Alicante, (Well, the dialing code does), call my cell! I donā€™t know anyone out there, though. šŸ˜• Ah well, off to work, joy. Iā€™ll break that number down later and find out where itā€™s come from. Speak later. NH. ---
**Author:** ![evolver](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/evolver/32/1896_2.png) [@evolver](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/evolver)\ **Post date:** [October 1, 2017, 5:16pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/night_hawks-pheremone-journal/43688/460 "2017-10-01T17:16:00Z")
Iā€™m really overwhelmed, and hungover, so bare with me hereā€¦ but I can tell this journal is a huge outlet for you and I want to tread carefullyā€¦ You put way too much thought into social media. This whole ā€œthinking what other people are thinking before writing something in the hopes that others seeā€ is just a terrible place to be. You are putting this Rachel on a pedestal and hoping she will notice you being a ā€œnice guyā€ but itā€™s clear she does not reciprocate your interests and I would highly suggest moving on. It is very evident that it is not healthy for you, or her. The fact that you wrote out on paper this huge letter and gave it to her when she asked you not to contact her shows a severe lack of care or consideration beyond your own interests. Itā€™s something that would show up on the front page of [Reddit](http://Reddit.com/r/cringe) Trying to give you a little tough love here. I have been there before! I used to try to woo women by singing to them in elementary school. I pined for women I could not have and refused to see their clear signs of dismissal. My advice to you is to recognize these signals early, and put your investment into people who reciprocate. If social media just gives you angst, worry, or wastes your time, refrain from it. By showing you care for peoples boundaries and space you will find that over time they will feel comfortable around you and open up. Best of luck to you. ---
**Author:** ![Night\_Hawk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/3bc359/32.png) [@Night\_Hawk](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Night_Hawk)\ **Post date:** [October 1, 2017, 6:39pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/night_hawks-pheremone-journal/43688/461 "2017-10-01T18:39:19Z")
Thanks evolver. In a way I agree with most of what you and others have said on here over recent months, but at the end of the day, R wrote directly to me with these app messages, commented on things I generally wrote (not always to her); and we got on really well both in and outside of work. Sadly, itā€™s a handful of other people in the past 3 months that have begun to cause trouble between us, for whatever reason I guess, only their entertainment. Iā€™ve not seen her for that length of time (3 months) having been moved to another location within our company. Online, was the only way we were able to continue talking with one another. In that time, she did, even posted somthing to her Snapchat, shared something sheā€™d sent to me, with her friends, without my knowledge. I didnā€™t take any offence to it, but on respoding in my own way, others, the ones that have caused endless trouble for me, saw it as me being obsessed, without even realising that Iā€™d been having things by R sent to me. Some are aware of that now, not all!! Theyā€™ve seen what has been sent to me, sent to others, so have realised everything has been taken out of context, but sadly that didnā€™t help the endless bombardment of messages to R in some massive group chat that I wasnā€™t apart of! Only found out briefly from the mediator (our friend) that R was getting stressed out by the endless comments. Couldnā€™t even defend myself, nor should I of had to, nothing that either I nor R wrote had anything to do with anyone else other than ourselves!! Sure, I was asked to leave it for a few weeks before speaking with R, by our good friend to both of us, mediating between us, but you have to understand, R and I have been very good friends for over 4 years. It saddens me to think that people could stoop so low as to take something that one says and does; and use it as means to split up a very sound friendship! I also was told that even after R decided to ā€˜unfriendā€™ which for your info. I can still post, like and share on any of her posts and private message her directly, other than what I posted (above), Iā€™ve not sent anything to her. The only reason I sent it was to firstly apologise for what has happened. These people that I used to work with havenā€™t seen the whole picture, to be fair, nor have you evolver; and looked on at what I have posted, taking it out of context. It has been made clear to me that she was then bombarded for 5 consecutive days after R decided to hit the ā€˜unfriendā€™ button as the ā€˜othersā€™ were apparently insisting that she do so! Iā€™ve had to endure the endless hatred of these people for over two years. You canā€™t be nice to anyone or try to do well/achieve in a job that you love, without them passing comment and making mischief to the extent that it causes arguments. It was one of the reasons I was glad to leave to my new workplace, albeit, I wish I hadnā€™t as it is pretty bad to say the least, but Iā€™ll get to that in days to come with a journal update! Iā€™m back in that store this week (My old one), for a couple of days, coming face to face with these people that have caused this rift between R and I. At some point we will speak face to face, R and I and come to resolve this whether this week or in the very near future, but the ā€˜hatersā€™ will just keep on going, itā€™s all that they can do, not just to me, but to others too - I see it every day with what they say to people that they work with online. Keyboard warriors/trolls is a better way of describing what these people are!! I understand what you are saying evolver about not writing to R and then doing so anyway, but I had to send that apology. I always thought that she truly knew why I called her my best friend, I guess I was wrong in thinking that, but I am someone that literally keeps everything to myself, my thought feeling, likes, dislike, I just can never feel the ability to fully open up to anyone. Itā€™s been a year since I began opening up on this journal. sharing my life, not just my mones research and every other trial of products and potent spells of herbal chemistry which I went on to mix with ADā€™s products. Yeah, keeping stuff to myself has always been a problem for me, I just think/presume people know/understand. but clearly they donā€™t, well, not always. My mediator does, she came to see the side of me I very rarely share with others, thatā€™s why she too calls me ā€˜herā€™ friend, someone to trust, talk to. I donā€™t know, with R, it was different, she seemed to understand me, what I was thinking/feeling without me even opening my mouth. Donā€™t ask me how? Sometimes I just wondered if she was reading my mind as Iā€™d go to write something on line, share something Iā€™d find, and R would beat me to i, write or post practically the same thing!! Freaked me out for some time, but I came to get used to it, ended up just liking her posts instead of posting the same thing on mine!! šŸ™„ Iā€™ve not looked to see if R has read it yet, not going to either, but what I do know is, once she does, she will then and only then understand how much I truly value her friendship; and yes, she has her very own log in to these forums, she has had it since June 21st, but has yet to come in and read anything. Probably has the same thought as I did in November of not want to read someones ā€˜Journalā€™!! I guess in days to come, Iā€™ll post what has happened, if anything. I have been keeping my A314 for the past few days in the knowledge that I shall be going to that old store of mine, the one that I call my home, where the staff I call my family. Itā€™s the only thing I know though, with a shot of X2 IShine to make the haters back right off when they come anywhere near me. Thanks again. NH. ---
**Author:** ![Dee\_A](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7bcc69/32.png) [@Dee\_A](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Dee_A)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2017, 1:37pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/night_hawks-pheremone-journal/43688/462 "2017-10-02T13:37:08Z")
Thatā€™s a nice update, NH! šŸ™‚ Actually made me smile. R is really a reasonable person. I understand why you are really fighting to keep her. She really is a gem. Being the hopeless romantic though, Iā€™m still wishing that the two of youā€™ll end up being more than friends. šŸ™‚ Ignore those haters and wear a simple A314+Ishine combo around them. šŸ™‚ [Previous page](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/night_hawks-pheremone-journal/43688.md?page=22) [Next page](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/night_hawks-pheremone-journal/43688.md?page=24)