# Seeing a shy girl who is still in another relationship: should I step back? **URL:** \ **Category:** Lounge\ **Created:** [May 3, 2011, 9:51am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/seeing-a-shy-girl-who-is-still-in-another-relationship-should-i-step-back/50157 "2011-05-03T09:51:07Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 16\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![lovegin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/a8b319/32.png) [@lovegin](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/lovegin)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2011, 9:51am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/seeing-a-shy-girl-who-is-still-in-another-relationship-should-i-step-back/50157/1 "2011-05-03T09:51:07Z")
I’m not sure if this is the right section to post this in. As some of you know I have been seeing a girl for just over a month. We are basicaly in love…but it is more complicated than that. I have been seeing a girl for just over a month now once a week. I used to know her from about 5 years ago but we lost contact due to uni and other obstacles. We decided to meet up quite spontaneously one night about 5 weeks ago. We met up and ended up crying together and holding each other under the stars. Since then we have met up once a week and continued to just cuddle with each other in that way. She is very shy with depression and is still very shy with me, and that is why she prefers to do simple things like that until she opens up more. I offered to take her to the cinema instead but she said shed prefer to just cuddle with me. Now, she has depression. She has had depression for about ten years. She is 23. When she was 9 she saw her best friend hit by a car who was then permanently paralysed and developed epilepsy. The same time her dad left her. She developed anorexia at around age 15 (but has got over that now). She has told me that she is terrified of me rejecting her, she is terrified of losing me in some way. She has told me that I am the love of her life and even said things like “I can’t wait to spend life with you”. She is studying medicine and is very very busy and stressed a lot, and on a high dosage of anti depressants. Now, she has never been a texter, emailer etc. I will text her about 3-4 times a day usually just giving her a bit of a boost, letting her know Im thinking of her, but she will barely ever reply! She hates talking on the phone as well. When she does reply (about once a day) it will be totally off topic and often the only time I hear from her is around midnight. She will text something like “thinking of you…msn? xxx” and then we will chat on MSN for an hour together. She says she just doesnt like texting and she is usually too busy to text. But it takes 30 seconds surely? Okay, now for an important part. She ISNT single. Well, the way I see it she isn’t. She has been with a guy for about two years that she says she doesn’t love or is confused about her feelings for. She told me they argue a lot and although she has memories with him that attaches her to him…she is POSITIVE she loves me. These are her exact words in a conversation today: “i’m not with him - but the reason he is still in the picture is i dont really know what i feel for him. part of me feels attached to him because of the memories we have had - but i know that is not a reason to stay with someone. i do feel guilty- but again i know thats not a reason to stay iwth someone. im scared of being alone but i wouldnt stay with him coz of that… to be honest im just confused. i’d like to make peace with him as i hate having unrest with anyone… i can’t have enemies; it eats away at me. but do i want to be with him again??? i wont know until i understand how i really feel. but then i get confused coz im not sure how i feel for him, yet i am positive i LOVE you so it should be easy, but it just doesnt feel that simple. im sorry, im dragging you into my confusion.” I am very confused at the moment. Over the weekend she had a very rough time. She saw her doctor and burst out crying and yesterday told me she had a very rough day. We went on MSN to talk last night and she said “heyaaa…xxxx” and then would not reply for about an hour. That was about 1am, and I figured she had fallen asleep. This morning (bank holiday monday) I texted her telling her I hope she has a great day etc…and then phoned her and left a message on her answerphone to let her know the same thing. I then started to really worry because I have not got a reply. (Not that I ever do!). I have asked her if I send her too many texts etc, and she said that I dont and each text she recieves from me brightens her day a bit. In the past I have stopped texting as much in fear taht I may be being a nuisance, and when I did she got upset and thought I was trying to distance myself from her. I have point blank asked her what she wants. She says she feels something so special with me, a connection that goes beyond everythign else, and she is just very scared because she is terrified of me rejecting her the more she opens. She said she just wants time to slowly open up with me without me ‘going anywhere’. Now, taking into account her deprssion, this other guy, her past…her obvious fear of losing people in her life (due to the fact she lost her best friend at an early age) etc…what do you think is going on? I know that she likes me and wants me. She is a very honest person when we talk about our feelings. She is very blunt and to the point…more so than anyone else I’ve ever known. I once asked her “what would your dream be, no matter how crazy” and she responded “it might sound cheesy but, I want to fly away with you somewhere, just us, and have all the rest of the people I leave behind stay happy.” So taking into account her past, this other guy, her issues, her depression etc, what do you think is up? What should I do to control this anxiety that I feel? It’s quite intense! ---
**Author:** ![Astrea](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/astrea/32/1928_2.png) [@Astrea](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Astrea)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2011, 11:06am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/seeing-a-shy-girl-who-is-still-in-another-relationship-should-i-step-back/50157/2 "2011-05-03T11:06:24Z")
> [@lovegin](#): > > I’m not sure if this is the right section to post this in. > As some of you know I have been seeing a girl for just over a month. We are basicaly in love…but it is more complicated than that. > > I have been seeing a girl for just over a month now once a week. I used to know her from about 5 years ago but we lost contact due to uni and other obstacles. > We decided to meet up quite spontaneously one night about 5 weeks ago. We met up and ended up crying together and holding each other under the stars. > Since then we have met up once a week and continued to just cuddle with each other in that way. She is very shy with depression and is still very shy with me, and that is why she prefers to do simple things like that until she opens up more. I offered to take her to the cinema instead but she said shed prefer to just cuddle with me. > Now, she has depression. She has had depression for about ten years. She is 23. When she was 9 she saw her best friend hit by a car who was then permanently paralysed and developed epilepsy. The same time her dad left her. She developed anorexia at around age 15 (but has got over that now). > She has told me that she is terrified of me rejecting her, she is terrified of losing me in some way. She has told me that I am the love of her life and even said things like “I can’t wait to spend life with you”. > > She is studying medicine and is very very busy and stressed a lot, and on a high dosage of anti depressants. > > Now, she has never been a texter, emailer etc. I will text her about 3-4 times a day usually just giving her a bit of a boost, letting her know Im thinking of her, but she will barely ever reply! She hates talking on the phone as well. When she does reply (about once a day) it will be totally off topic and often the only time I hear from her is around midnight. She will text something like “thinking of you…msn? xxx” and then we will chat on MSN for an hour together. She says she just doesnt like texting and she is usually too busy to text. But it takes 30 seconds surely? > > Okay, now for an important part. She ISNT single. Well, the way I see it she isn’t. She has been with a guy for about two years that she says she doesn’t love or is confused about her feelings for. She told me they argue a lot and although she has memories with him that attaches her to him…she is POSITIVE she loves me. These are her exact words in a conversation today: > “i’m not with him - but the reason he is still in the picture is i dont really know what i feel for him. part of me feels attached to him because of the memories we have had - but i know that is not a reason to stay with someone. i do feel guilty- but again i know thats not a reason to stay iwth someone. im scared of being alone but i wouldnt stay with him coz of that… to be honest im just confused. i’d like to make peace with him as i hate having unrest with anyone… i can’t have enemies; it eats away at me. but do i want to be with him again??? i wont know until i understand how i really feel. but then i get confused coz im not sure how i feel for him, yet i am positive i LOVE you so it should be easy, but it just doesnt feel that simple. im sorry, im dragging you into my confusion.” > > I am very confused at the moment. Over the weekend she had a very rough time. She saw her doctor and burst out crying and yesterday told me she had a very rough day. We went on MSN to talk last night and she said “heyaaa…xxxx” and then would not reply for about an hour. That was about 1am, and I figured she had fallen asleep. This morning (bank holiday monday) I texted her telling her I hope she has a great day etc…and then phoned her and left a message on her answerphone to let her know the same thing. > > I then started to really worry because I have not got a reply. (Not that I ever do!). I have asked her if I send her too many texts etc, and she said that I dont and each text she recieves from me brightens her day a bit. In the past I have stopped texting as much in fear taht I may be being a nuisance, and when I did she got upset and thought I was trying to distance myself from her. > > I have point blank asked her what she wants. She says she feels something so special with me, a connection that goes beyond everythign else, and she is just very scared because she is terrified of me rejecting her the more she opens. She said she just wants time to slowly open up with me without me ‘going anywhere’. > > Now, taking into account her deprssion, this other guy, her past…her obvious fear of losing people in her life (due to the fact she lost her best friend at an early age) etc…what do you think is going on? > > I know that she likes me and wants me. She is a very honest person when we talk about our feelings. She is very blunt and to the point…more so than anyone else I’ve ever known. I once asked her “what would your dream be, no matter how crazy” and she responded “it might sound cheesy but, I want to fly away with you somewhere, just us, and have all the rest of the people I leave behind stay happy.” > > So taking into account her past, this other guy, her issues, her depression etc, what do you think is up? What should I do to control this anxiety that I feel? It’s quite intense! Regardless of what she says is going on; her actions aren’t honest. No good can come of you getting in the middle - knowingly! - of an established couple. The “I don’t know how I feel about him” if it’s true; is unfair to you, him and complicating her stress and anxiety levels. I know you don’t want to hear this, but: **GET OUT OF THERE AND LEAVE IT ALONE UNTIL SHE HAS CLEARED HER MIND AND LIFE OR DECIDED TO STAY WITH THE THING THAT IS FAMILIAR.** Firstly, she’s involved. Doesn’t matter what she says, HE doesn’t know they’re not together. Secondly, if she does this to him; in all likelihood, she’ll do the same thing to you. Thirdly, this sounds like a pattern. Is this how she finds her new bf’s? Fourth, she sounds like she’s hesitant to be seen openly with you; why is that? Just cuddling every week? Really? Fifth, this not returning calls or texts - is just rude and stinks of games. Sixth, if you’re confused, you’re not thinking clearly. You’ve only been seeing her once a week for 5 weeks and she’s saying she loves you? And still won’t end it with her **Significant Other?** Remember, if no-one else knows about you - **HE** is her **SO** to the public eye. **You are “the Other Guy”**. How would you feel if this was going on behind **YOUR** back? She can’t be all that fragile and be studying medicine, it’s grueling. I think you’re not seeing or thinking clearly. The honorable **thing to do would be to back off and back out!** She needs to clean up a big nasty mess, and you’re in the fallout zone. **You have put yourself in between a couple.** Yeah, a young one and not anything big to her - obviously - but again, do you know how her bf feels about her or their relationship? He maybe completely in the dark about how she says she feels about their relationship and that needs to be sorted out first. This means that when the story of their breakup is told by her current bf, **YOU ARE THE GUY THAT BROKE THEM UP.** ---
**Author:** ![RADMAN513](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/radman513/32/364_2.png) [@RADMAN513](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/RADMAN513)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2011, 1:01pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/seeing-a-shy-girl-who-is-still-in-another-relationship-should-i-step-back/50157/3 "2011-05-03T13:01:07Z")
I have to concur. It’s not even JUST about the fact that she’s in a relationship, but the fact that according to your post she has quite a few issues to work out in general. I hope you don’t take offense to this but I don’t think either of you are “in love”. I think she’s in a state of emotional need and you are filling that need right now. She feels trapped and gets a sense of security from knowing she has an option. It’s not at all healthy and is in fact a little codependent. You, well to be honest while I’m sure you’re attracted to her, you also seem to have a little bit of a white knight syndrome going on. I see nice guys fall into this trap quite a bit. I’m not sure if they think the other person is broken and they get some heroic self image from “fixing” them, or if the persons neediness gives them a sense of security, like the more needy and tragic they are the less likely they are to leave…I don’t know but it’s not the basis for a healthy relationship. Think about this, can you see her fitting into your life and the both of you being a happy, healthy couple enjoying life and eachother with her as she is now? Not “when she gets her shit sorted out”, no “if she works on getting her depression worked on” but the person she is now as opposed to the person she might be after she’s worked out all of her problems and issues. Do you feel that your interest in her is based on her positive qualities? How do you feel when you’re with her? do you have fun?, are you happy?, Or do you feel bad for her, pity and find yourself wishing you could make all of her pain just go away? I’m not suggesting that people pick up and leave during rough spots in a relationship or whenever their partner runs into hard times of any sort. However you’re not in a relationship with this woman. You’ve seen her 5 times since re establishing contact. And all you’ve described is her problems and issues. The whole situation is defined by her problems and your perceptions of them. I mean when I talk about a girl that I even just like, I talk about the things that make me like her. All you’ve mentioned so far are her problems and the fact that she claims to be in love with you. I think you’re falling into the trap of needing to feel needed and confusing that with love. I apologize if any of this offends you as it is not my intention but given that we’re dealing with a woman who’s clinically depressed and on meds, I feel it’s important to be blunt. ---
**Author:** ![lovegin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/a8b319/32.png) [@lovegin](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/lovegin)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2011, 2:30pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/seeing-a-shy-girl-who-is-still-in-another-relationship-should-i-step-back/50157/4 "2011-05-03T14:30:42Z")
Thanks for the advice guys. The thing is…we have both already agreed not to get into anything too much until she has sorted her life out. However, thats much easier said than done!! I’m thinking maybe I should just think about being her friend for now, and at the same time keep the doors open for others. And IF/WHEN she does decide what to do with the other guy in her life, then we can take things further if we want.? Its all easier said than done though! ---
**Author:** ![mobocaster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c2a13f/32.png) [@mobocaster](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/mobocaster)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2011, 4:17pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/seeing-a-shy-girl-who-is-still-in-another-relationship-should-i-step-back/50157/5 "2011-05-03T16:17:23Z")
Well Lovegin, I’m another to express some concern. ☹ In fact the only thing that moderates it slightly is that you are both quite young and her various issues/mental health may indicate someone who could be held back and emotionally younger than her years. > [@lovegin](#): > > Since then we have met up once a week and continued to just cuddle with each other in that way. She is very shy with depression and is still very shy with me, and that is why she prefers to do simple things like that until she opens up more. I offered to take her to the cinema instead but she said shed prefer to just cuddle with me. At the moment, all you seem to be providing is a regular bit of affection and closeness - a human teddy bear if you will. Maybe this is just filling-in a gap in what she gets from her boyfriend? And only when you are alone together. Yes, she likes and trusts you and you fill a need but this is not a great indicator of any stronger attraction. Why is she not wanting to be everywhere with you? > [@lovegin](#): > > Now, she has depression. She has had depression for about ten years. She is 23. When she was 9 she saw her best friend hit by a car who was then permanently paralysed and developed epilepsy. The same time her dad left her. She developed anorexia at around age 15 (but has got over that now). Being with someone who has ongoing mental health problems can be very, very hard indeed. You seem to have her on a good period. Have you considered how you are going to cope and support yourself through possibly difficult times if she gets worse again? > [@lovegin](#): > > She has told me that she is terrified of me rejecting her, she is terrified of losing me in some way. She has told me that I am the love of her life and even said things like **“I can’t wait to spend life with you”.** This is a very major alarm bell TBH. Attraction is pretty straightforward and tends to hit like a train. It could be that she’s simply wanting to keep you around but is unwilling to say she only sees you as a very close friend? Bluntly - Almost every time I’ve heard something like that, the guy (incl me) has been unceremoniously ditched the moment someone who really turns her on appears. > [@lovegin](#): > > Now, she has never been a texter, emailer etc. I will text her about 3-4 times a day usually just giving her a bit of a boost, letting her know Im thinking of her, but she will barely ever reply! So once again, it is all you doing the propping-up - Relationships are a two way thing. Although I’m in two minds about texting - Yes it is good to be able to keep in touch but equally it can make you too available. Maybe you should consider backing-off? Don’t talk about it either, let her keep up and wonder about you for a change. > [@lovegin](#): > > Okay, now for an important part. She ISNT single. > > She has been with a guy for about two years that she says she doesn’t love or is confused about her feelings for. She told me they argue a lot and although she has memories with him that attaches her to him…she is POSITIVE she loves me. These are her exact words in a conversation today: > > “i’m not with him - but the reason he is still in the picture is i dont really know what i feel for him. part of me feels attached to him because of the memories we have had - but i know that is not a reason to stay with someone. i do feel guilty- but again i know thats not a reason to stay iwth someone. im scared of being alone but i wouldnt stay with him coz of that… to be honest im just confused. i’d like to make peace with him as i hate having unrest with anyone… i can’t have enemies; it eats away at me. but do i want to be with him again??? i wont know until i understand how i really feel. but then i get confused coz im not sure how i feel for him, yet i am positive i LOVE you so it should be easy, but it just doesnt feel that simple. im sorry, im dragging you into my confusion.” Have you considered that this confusion and fear might be the very thing that attracts her and keeps her with him. Maybe her rational self does love you and know she should be with you but her irrational attraction keeps her gunning for him? In the meantime, you just provide the steady comforting aspect that he lacks? I’ll leave the right or wrong about breaking-up a relationship. Its been done to me and although its something that in principle I would hate to do to anyone else, I’m no angel and over the years I have stressed or thrown a spanner into a few relationships. Mainly because the woman neglected to mention that her “friend” or “troublesome ex” etc were actually still very much in the picture. I’m afraid people do waver and lie about these things. This is very much an “actions speak louder than words situation” and only you are in a position to evaluate all the facts about both of them. > [@lovegin](#): > > I am very confused at the moment. > > I then started to really worry because I have not got a reply. > > I have point blank asked her what she wants. She says she feels something so special with me, a connection that goes beyond everythign else, and she is just very scared because she is terrified of me rejecting her the more she opens. She said she just wants time to slowly open up with me without me ‘going anywhere’. Yes - And do you want to stay confused? This in itself is a tension/attention tactic - That will maybe draw you further towards her and have you chasing after her. Again, actions and words - IME if she says this, she also needs to be demonstrating it in all sorts of unspoken ways and IME, a woman will put everything aside and haul herself over hot coals to get to the man she loves and wants to be with. Only her age and possible emotional immaturity makes me wonder if she does mean it - this does kind-of sound like a teenager speaking. After all that, I would strongly urge you to keep yourself strong, sort out your own emotional support and keep in mind that she may change her mind altogether and hit you with the “best friends/I don’t see you that way” thing instead. And staying friends with someone you have feelings for when they take up with someone else is very hard on you. Don’t get trapped in that hell. Good luck and I truly hope I’m totally wrong. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![SteveO](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/87869e/32.png) [@SteveO](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/SteveO)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2011, 4:20pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/seeing-a-shy-girl-who-is-still-in-another-relationship-should-i-step-back/50157/6 "2011-05-03T16:20:29Z")
Lets please remember this is a [pheromone](https://pheromonelabs.com/) advice forum. These types of posts that have nothing really to do with mones do not belong in the mens pheromone advice section. ---
**Author:** ![mobocaster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c2a13f/32.png) [@mobocaster](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/mobocaster)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2011, 5:21pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/seeing-a-shy-girl-who-is-still-in-another-relationship-should-i-step-back/50157/7 "2011-05-03T17:21:06Z")
Steve - Lovegin has already discussed pheros to use around this girl and her initial responses to them. I hope he continues to discuss/report as she had a very positive response to IS. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![SteveO](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/87869e/32.png) [@SteveO](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/SteveO)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2011, 3:27am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/seeing-a-shy-girl-who-is-still-in-another-relationship-should-i-step-back/50157/8 "2011-05-04T03:27:07Z")
> [@mobocaster](#): > > Steve - Lovegin has already discussed pheros to use around this girl and her initial responses to them. > > I hope he continues to discuss/report as she had a very positive response to IS. 🙂 They are not my rules and any posts in the men’s section must explicitly be about [pheromones](https://pheromonelabs.com/shop/). I’m glad she responded well to mones, but unless this thread is about mones it belongs in the lounge. No harm done, just rules I have been paid to enforce. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![lovegin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/a8b319/32.png) [@lovegin](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/lovegin)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2011, 6:04pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/seeing-a-shy-girl-who-is-still-in-another-relationship-should-i-step-back/50157/9 "2011-05-31T18:04:51Z")
Just an update on this girl I am seeing. My dad is a doctor in psychology. Him and including various other people said that she sounds as if she has aspergers syndrome. This actualy scares me after learning a bit about it and how people with the syndrome find relationships very difficult. I’ve decided to ease back a bit but stay there for her. ---
**Author:** ![mobocaster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c2a13f/32.png) [@mobocaster](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/mobocaster)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2011, 6:54pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/seeing-a-shy-girl-who-is-still-in-another-relationship-should-i-step-back/50157/10 "2011-05-31T18:54:00Z")
Interesting Lovegin, thanks for the update - Some of the things you talked of did make me wonder about some form of personality disorder that could include something on the aspie scale. However, this is a very wide scale in terms of how it affects people (it can’t be that bad if she is a student medic!) and does not in itself preclude a sucessful relationship but it does probably mean that you should think very hard about the pros and cons of any relationship plus how you are going to organise your own support system. ---
**Author:** ![Astrea](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/astrea/32/1928_2.png) [@Astrea](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Astrea)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2011, 5:53am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/seeing-a-shy-girl-who-is-still-in-another-relationship-should-i-step-back/50157/11 "2011-06-01T05:53:58Z")
> [@lovegin](#): > > Just an update on this girl I am seeing. My dad is a doctor in psychology. Him and including various other people said that she sounds as if she has aspergers syndrome. This actualy scares me after learning a bit about it and how people with the syndrome find relationships very difficult. > I’ve decided to ease back a bit but stay there for her. Aspergers? That’s a statement and a half without having her present for a diagnosis. If this is true, she would have been tested and diagnosed as a kid, if not earlier. Living and educating with Aspergers is neither easy nor do-able without some kind of support system. Ask HER. I know you’re in a spot emotionally; but it’s pointless talking to professionals - you only have a days’ snapshot for a few weeks; and I know a professional is not going to offer a diagnosis without at least 2 separate sessions of testing. ---
**Author:** ![SteveO](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/87869e/32.png) [@SteveO](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/SteveO)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2011, 6:21pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/seeing-a-shy-girl-who-is-still-in-another-relationship-should-i-step-back/50157/12 "2011-06-01T18:21:54Z")
I TOTALLY agree with Astrea and I will even take it a step further. Just how easy it is to label and compartmentalize someone because they act a little different than someone you’re used to! Now I am going to be blunt (like when am I not 😛) but you either like someone for ALL that they are, or you are going to be a very sad, miserable lonely person for the rest of your life. If you were dating her and she had some problems arise, you’d just dump her until she got them sorted out? It’s easy to label someone when maybe its yourself that is deserving a label. Perhaps she doesn’t have anything at all except the normal trials of life, and it is you who suffers a mental illness. Harsh right? I’m only doing the same thing that others are so quick and willing to. Maybe its a good thing for her not to get involved with someone who can’t accept her the way she is. People have quirks and issues about them, but guess what? It makes them unique, makes them who they are. Sure there are things some of my girlfriends do that I don’t particularly like, but there are other things they do that I completely adore. V, my most recent ex, is as flakey as they come, but that’s her. I accept it if I want to be with her. I also know that that I don’t reward bad behavior, so there are ways around it. The thing is you’re not even involved with this girl as a GF, I hope. Sounds to me like she is having a rough enough time without someone coming along breaking up what she is involved it. She needs a friend more than anything. Someone who stands by her thick and thin and is there for her. Someone who offers encouragement, so now you need to ask yourself are you that person? Can you accept someone in her state and add value to her life. Sorry but if you are looking to sleep with her right now I am afraid you might be complicit in someones demise. True friends are there thick and thin and not only when they think they might be able to get some booty. So be that friend, or admit to yourself why you are really in this type of relationship. My points are not accusatory but merely questions you should be asking yourself. ---
**Author:** ![lovegin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/a8b319/32.png) [@lovegin](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/lovegin)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2011, 10:41pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/seeing-a-shy-girl-who-is-still-in-another-relationship-should-i-step-back/50157/13 "2011-06-01T22:41:26Z")
The reason I ‘label’ someone that is because I spoke to my dad about her. He is a doctor (of psychology)…and specialises in autism. He said that from what Ive said she sounds like she is on the autistic spectrum slightly. He did not ‘diagnose her’ as that takes him seeing her in person and all sorts of tests, but yeah. ---
**Author:** ![lovegin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/a8b319/32.png) [@lovegin](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/lovegin)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2011, 10:42pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/seeing-a-shy-girl-who-is-still-in-another-relationship-should-i-step-back/50157/14 "2011-06-01T22:42:43Z")
And no, I am not just looking to sleep with her! Sorry but I found that quite offensive. I actualy suggested to her myself “Do you think it may be more appropriete to just be friends for now?”. Her reply…“Well I just can’t imagine being just your friend because you mean so much more to me than that”. ---
**Author:** ![mobocaster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c2a13f/32.png) [@mobocaster](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/mobocaster)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2011, 1:20am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/seeing-a-shy-girl-who-is-still-in-another-relationship-should-i-step-back/50157/15 "2011-06-05T01:20:57Z")
> [@Astrea](#): > > Aspergers? That’s a statement and a half without having her present for a diagnosis. If this is true, she would have been tested and diagnosed as a kid, if not earlier. Living and educating with Aspergers is neither easy nor do-able without some kind of support system. Astrea - Lovegin is in the UK and TBH, mental health is very much the Cinderella of our already somewhat stressed NHS services. It is quite possible for someone high-functioning on the aspie/autistic scale to slip right through the net and not be diagnosed. For various reasons of course but particularly because diagnosis still carries a very significant social stigma that often deters diagnosis/treatment until an individual’s situation deterioriates to the point where it becomes untenable. Then there is an equal and increasing issue amongst school-age kids where the financial implications of “Statementing” (the legal process for obtaining educational support) means that many authorities resist any sort of diagnosis altogether. Then there is the issue that a number of psych conditions are often not seriously considered until a sufferer is well into their 20s and even then, not all health authorities will offer much by way of meaningful treatment - particularly where cluster B and C disorders are concerned. ---
**Author:** ![ochrismongrelo](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/ochrismongrelo/32/318_2.png) [@ochrismongrelo](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/ochrismongrelo)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2011, 9:00am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/seeing-a-shy-girl-who-is-still-in-another-relationship-should-i-step-back/50157/16 "2011-07-27T09:00:44Z")
> [@lovegin](#): > > And no, I am not just looking to sleep with her! Sorry but I found that quite offensive. I actualy suggested to her myself “Do you think it may be more appropriete to just be friends for now?”. Her reply…“Well I just can’t imagine being just your friend because you mean so much more to me than that”. Actions speak louder than words. Her words seem to say that you ‘mean so much more’ but her actions are screaming"Friendzone". That may be for the better though, sounds like she is using you for comfort and a pillow. Plus, breaking up a relationship really isn’t the best idea anyhow, too many SINGLE women looking for men for an actual real relationship… ones that won’t be confused about if they’re with someone or not, and won’t treat you like a pillow. CM