# Thoughts from a Pervert- The Journal

**URL:** <https://pheromonetalk.com/t/thoughts-from-a-pervert-the-journal/61458>\
**Category:** Women's Journals\
**Created:** [March 24, 2014, 2:30am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/thoughts-from-a-pervert-the-journal/61458 "2014-03-24T02:30:58Z")\
**Posts on this page:** 20\
**Page:** 14

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**Author:** ![LadyScientist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c57346/32.png) [@LadyScientist](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/LadyScientist)\
**Post date:** [February 13, 2016, 3:32am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/thoughts-from-a-pervert-the-journal/61458/262 "2016-02-13T03:32:00Z")

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No babies for me

MX \*\*\* 2 sprays neck  
black leggings, sweatshirt, brown boots

I have been extremely sensitive because the guy I’ve been seeing confessed he is actually not okay with me not wanting children. We had just gotten extremely close and this time I was not secretive about my intentions- He was. So I was determined to hit the town and meet some new hunnies. or at least distract myself enough to ignore how I’m really feeling.

I had my IUD switched and it hurt like hell. I was a little bed-ridden and this boy toy offered to bring me food. I had not seen him in many months and I was not about to pass up the gesture. He’s an interesting character, self-made success, almost a lawyer, really brilliant, but a total dork. He shows up in an amazing suit and shoes (oh man do I miss my MTA business boys!!!) straight after work with some wings. He even lets me take a picture of his get-up- drool!

We eat in peace and I invite him to see my friend’s band later that night. We hug good-bye and I tell him he smells good and I remark how great it is that he doesn’t smell like cigarettes. He only smokes when he is wasted and that’s what killed it for me, making out with an ashtray made me nauseous.

So I meet my friends at the bar and as soon as I walk in, my friend on stage sees me, makes eye contact, gets excited and whispers my nickname into the microphone. All eyes are on me! Great- not looking or feeling great- hey town.

Dude is totally acting like my boyfriend and it’s kind of annoying. He is purchasing all my drinks, putting his arm around me, and trying to “claim” me. We haven’t even been together in forever! He leans down to kiss me and I say outright “Don’t you dare kiss me in public or I’ll beat you.” I’m very sensitive about PDA- only real boyfriends get to do it with me, not hook ups. He calls me out on it and thinks it is because I’m trying to mack on other people at the bar. It’s so far from the truth- guys love a chase- and many small town guys respect a girl who is “taken” but they are also very alpha and willing to throw down to compete.

Anyway, the night ends abruptly because we had to go end some friend drama, but needless to say there was no hooking up. I did convince him to come over after I put out some fires and we just snuggled.

MX \*\*\* 2 sprays chest  
leggings, loose embroidered shirt, boots, leather jacket

My new neighbors (also in the medical field) invite me out and we join a few doctors from my hospital at this new taco bar by our house. We are both so relieved that we get along (me especially since that house has been empty the whole time I’ve lived here) and decide to meet one of my rowdiest girlfriends at this venue type bar. She gets us all in for free and she’s there celebrating a little baby’s birthday (21!) He is cute but he had little teenage pimples! Holy shit! So this hammered birthday boy is all over me trying to mack on me but I’m going to white girl say, “I just couldn’t even.”

The bartender/manager and I have already spent some time alone together because the rowdy girl is convinced we are “soul mates.” He is super happy to see me and gives me a kiss on the cheek over the bar. He was very kind with the ahem… drinks. I think he is handsome but a bar manager?

Speaking of bar managers… I have been dating another one in town- NO SEX. Right? You sure you’re talking to the same LadyS? Yes… Yes you are. You will not believe what boring town USA has done to me.  
Anyway, at his holiday party at the end of the year, there was this super cute guy who was picking on me really hard. I couldn’t understand why he was being such an ass- until I saw him around town last weekend when I was still with my boy on the night we decided to end things because of the baby thing.

I confronted him and asked why he didn’t like me and he said he was only giving me a hard time because he knew I could handle it. Okay- whatever. So he tells the bar manager he sees me, who gets mad at me for not seeing him, and flash forward to the current weekend when I run into the bar manager’s cute friend again.

I go up to him, fuck with him a little, and we start flirting. He comes on to me pretty hard pouring out really cute compliments, "I really like you. I’ve liked you since I met you. What’s your deal with…?? I respond with the truth. He points to my body, “I mean this is all great and all but its what’s in here that really turns me on about you” while touching my head. He goes off about how great it is that I’m a doctor, tells me his dad is in the same field (uh-oh, do I work with him?!) and is just all about me. He asks me for my number and I give it to him. He leaves to take care of his friends, and I go back to my neighbors who are determined to get shit-faced.

The shots do not stop. I kid you not, I barfed a little in my mouth after one and had to swallow it at the bar. I excuse myself to the bathroom to try to get it together, freshen up a bit, and see that cute boy has called me twice. I call him back, he wants to meet up, I tell him I am too drunk to be out in public and I’m just going to go home. He offers to meet me there so I text him my address. The neighbors are upset that I am too drunk to join them for pizza, but I really need to get out of the public’s eye, asap.

When I pull up to my house and see cute boy in my driveway, I say out loud in the cab “who the fuck is that?” The driver gets concerned, I have to reassure him that oh, no don’t worry sir, this drunk bitch actually INVITED this man over.

So flash forward a few hours, he is leaving and I only remember the end part of us hooking up. Damnit… LadyS you really wanted this one! I confess this the next day and he offers to “refresh my memory” the following day and I agree. He ends up flaking last minute and it pisses me off- wait a second boy, weren’t you the one that was soooo into me? Were you just saying all that shit to get in my pants? So I call him out and basically cut him off. A few days later, I’m still really annoyed, so I ask him point blank what is his issue, and he tells me that I was gushing all about what I wanted in my future husband and what type of wife I would be all while we were hooking up. AGH. Omg- black out drunk me is a train wreck. He confirms he does not want anything serious and was just trying to hook up. (Why? With a psycho bitch talking about marriage? I don’t even believe in marriage! Oh god)

So. Fucking. Embarrassing.

And also totally hilarious. Apparently, we “immediately” started hooking up. Yeah… no don’t remember. I’m a beast.

So… that’s probably the end of that.  
(note to self: maybe don’t do shots? especially ones that make you barf in your mouth?)

I had also drunk dialed the baby-craving ex. We talked about how much we missed each other. He tells me later that he cried after we got off the phone. I end up having a really rough week (health wise- more details to come, or not?) and he was being extremely supportive despite not physically being here for me as he works out of town. All my friends here came through for me, it was really reassuring. He also tells me he is coming home this weekend and I tell him I want to see him. He offers to make me dinner and it’s like we are starting all over again, but we are not.

At work, I’m miserable, my surgeon eye candy is not there but has been really supportive of me lately as well. (there was some mini-drama between him and this girl he went on one date with who is also my “friend” which made me really nervous- I was so worried she was going to tell him how much I liked him. It included me and he was not happy with me- not worth even talking about) One of the techs pulls me out of my office on my admin day “Dr.\_\_\_, can you come with me please?” I suspiciously look at her, “what is this about? I am busy..” she says, “Your day is just about to get a whole lot better.” She walks me into the main front waiting room and there is this huge flower display with balloons on the front desk. I’m kind of mortified, wanting to make sure these are for me, and kinda nervous because I have no idea who would send this to me, thinking ‘omg please don’t be from some creepy patient.’

Everyone huddles around and is dying to know who they are from. I’m scared to even open the card in front of everyone in the waiting room. But I couldn’t resist, I open it and it’s a very sweet note about being strong, staying incredible, and hoping that the week ends better than it started. From, yes, baby-crazy ex.

It’s so amazingly sweet that I burst into tears right there in front of everyone. I quickly take it back into my office and I don’t even want to look at it\*\*. \*\*

**Someone else is going to get to have this amazing man their whole life, and its not going to be me.**

It hurts like hell.

I’ve never gotten flowers delivered to work before in my life, and of course the surgeon is not there to get jealous at all. I hope he hears about it through the gossiping women.

All I want to do is put up walls, build an army of sexy lovers to lean on when my sweet boyfriend finds a girl he wants to impregnate, so that I don’t crumble.

I’m invincible.

I will not fall.

---

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**Author:** ![brasileira](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/5f9b8f/32.png) [@brasileira](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/brasileira)\
**Post date:** [February 13, 2016, 8:35am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/thoughts-from-a-pervert-the-journal/61458/263 "2016-02-13T08:35:56Z")

</div>

So do you think the MX is making you so soft that you even start wishing to have a family (at least when you are drunk…) ?

Or that comes with the time (getting older)…?

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**Author:** ![LadyScientist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c57346/32.png) [@LadyScientist](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/LadyScientist)\
**Post date:** [February 13, 2016, 12:36pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/thoughts-from-a-pervert-the-journal/61458/264 "2016-02-13T12:36:07Z")

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YIKES NO! I’ve never been ashamed to admit I want a lifelong love- a partner, but I do not want children. Do not confuse my drunken BS dreams of hubbie/wifey status with starting a family. I explain this with a well -rehearsed line, "just because I don’t believe in traditional marriage- governmental ownership of my love, body, and assets- it does not mean I do not believe in Love, commitment, or monogamy.

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**Author:** ![brasileira](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/5f9b8f/32.png) [@brasileira](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/brasileira)\
**Post date:** [February 13, 2016, 2:31pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/thoughts-from-a-pervert-the-journal/61458/265 "2016-02-13T14:31:49Z")

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I understood what u mean… and I also didn’t mean to criticise you… If had lived in NY I would probably have a similar life style..  
And yes, monogamy sucks (sometimes…) but good luck finding a man who thinks like that… I’ve spent now almost 10 years trying to convince my hubby to try the so called “open relationship” without success… ☹ "what we have is great and we don’t need any third or forth part here " he says… 😕

Funny thing is that this (poligamy) works great with/for gay men…

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**Author:** ![LadyScientist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c57346/32.png) [@LadyScientist](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/LadyScientist)\
**Post date:** [February 13, 2016, 2:38pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/thoughts-from-a-pervert-the-journal/61458/266 "2016-02-13T14:38:49Z")

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no wait, I think you still don’t understand me. I DO believe in monogamy. I just don’t believe in the legalization of marriage.

I don’t think polyamory can work when multiple couples are actually IN LOVE. When it’s just casual, and no real feelings are involved, it is very easy to share the people you are intimate with.

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**Author:** ![brasileira](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/5f9b8f/32.png) [@brasileira](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/brasileira)\
**Post date:** [February 13, 2016, 3:25pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/thoughts-from-a-pervert-the-journal/61458/267 "2016-02-13T15:25:17Z")

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Ok. I DIDN’T understand you…  
I’m going to start reading your journal from the beginning again in 3…2…1… 😛 lol

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**Author:** ![LadyScientist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c57346/32.png) [@LadyScientist](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/LadyScientist)\
**Post date:** [February 24, 2016, 3:27am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/thoughts-from-a-pervert-the-journal/61458/268 "2016-02-24T03:27:04Z")

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I think I just want 69… MX469

it’s my favorite.

But I am giving the others a go.

MX\*\*\*, 2 sprays to the chest  
Jeans, tank, blazer, pumps

Meet my neighbors for a birthday party at a brewery. Her boyfriend’s younger brother drives and he is cute in that, “you’re too young for me but it’s kinda kinky” way. He is clearly too shy to say anything but I catch him staring at me and make sure I invite him into the conversation. He makes sure to open doors for me, watch my drink, stand next to me on the sidewalk… gestures I truly appreciate. I had given up on even paying attention to these gentlemanly cues in NYC but it’s so wonderful to have them back again.

I have to honestly say that very few of these MXs make ME feel anything.

There is a good turn out at the party and being a boy’s birthday, I’m in luck. Not many eye-catchers but I needed some attention… and attention is what I got. They looked me right in the eye while talking to me, they bought me drinks, they asked about my background, they invited me to play pool, they cracked jokes, stood up for me when a creeper was creeping. I appreciated it all. We go to this college bar after and I’m in high heaven. These little children are smoking hot. I know they are babies but holy cow. I hadn’t seen good looking guys anywhere- bc everywhere I go is for the “mature” crowd— when did maturity mean getting fat and ugly? WAKE UP small town USA!

Every cute guy I smile at, looks back at me with cute eyes and returns the smile. I am creepily making eyes at everyone. But, my grown up friends decide they cannot handle the college scene and need to go back to a “chill/quieter” bar. BUT people! THE hotties!

The bartenders at this bar know me well and I don’t ever have to pay for my drinks. They even hook me up with a redbull to put in my purse for work the next day (and yes. I needed it.)

We get pizza and go home. Work sucks because of a million reasons the next day but I make it through.

MX \*\*\* 3 sprays to the chest  
grey pencil skirt, black blouse, blue blazer, grey pumps

Get off work and rush to a friend’s birthday dinner. Everyone comments on how cute I look while I feel frumpy in my work attire. We are all tired and being lame. I start texting the surgeon I have a crush on- why? bc I’m a ding-dong- THAT’S why. I left snacks for him after he begged for some as a “thank You” for helping me with a case and he didn’t even acknowledge my gesture. HE SUCKS. for so many reasons.

but I can’t seem to shake my feelings for him. We make small talk for a minute and I can tell he is just being polite. He has to be- he knows I don’t like him and he can’t stand when people don’t think he is the shit.

The friends and I leave to go to another one of our favorite locations downtown where the doorguy knows us well. We have a few drinks, a few of us leave, a few come, and some really popular elite local favorites come in. I feel like the cool kids table because we are the first people they say hi to and buy us drinks.

For a moment, part of our large table is empty and this really drunk kinda cute guy sits down at it:

Him: You girls look so bored  
Me: Thanks… I’ve always wanted a guy in a bar to tell me how cute I am  
Him: You can think that all you want, but it’s not what I’m saying, really  
Me: I dunno.. I think I’m pretty cute when I’m laughing telling stories  
Him: no really, you look like you’re having a terrible time  
Me: well, I was doing just fine until a drunk guy started harassing me  
Him: c’mon just admit you think I’m cute  
Me: In a dumb drunk sort of way?  
Him: listen, I think you’re cute, you think I’m cute, let’s just talk  
Me: How about, next time you try to approach a girl in a bar, you don’t insult her?  
(his friends try to get up and get him to leave, realizing it’s a lost cause)  
Him: You know you want me  
(as his friends pull him away from me)

I have no idea what to think of that- I was just annoyed. Neither of my friends even entertained him, stood up to him, or had my back. They all just hoped if they stayed quiet he would just go away. Which I guess is the right thing to do in those situations. Weird fucked up way of hitting on me- fuck PUA bullshit of insulting girls-- DON’T DO IT.

So my good friends finally come in, and one of them looks like a hot famous actor _drool_ We have gone on a date before and hooked up a couple of times but that shipped sailed. He recently started showing interest in me again (out of no where? He has a new girl?) on that night the guy in the suit tried to kiss me in public. (seee! competition boys!)

So we all get wasted, go to another local bar (where he and I shared our second kiss, our first was my on one of my first nights in town actually, and we only had sex 3 months into knowing each other) and I invite the stragglers over to my house to listen to music and hang out in my “lounge.”

Him and I are kinda leaning on each other, looking at picture books, while my other friend is passed out, but nothing happens. I totally dig him but his big deal breaker is that he is a penny pincher. Throws fits if you leave the lights on and won’t turn the heat on even if it’s really cold. Anyway, he is moving in June :{

The next day, I hang out with my girlfriends and just nurse my entire weekend hangover. I check snapchat (yes grown-ups use this) and guess who is talking to me??

The dreamboat sexy boy I met from the concert who ended up having a girlfriend! Okay… check FB and it says he is still in a relationship. Soo… I entertain the convo… send a normal pic and the conversation quickly escalates to flirtation… to sexy times.. to sexy confessions… to fetishes… to how he fantasized about fucking me in the middle of the concert. 😮

Me: I knew I wasn’t totally wrong about reading our chemistry  
Him: No you weren’t.. there was crazy chemistry instantly

Find out in the conversation that him and his gf are kind of swingers and have partner “swapped” before. OK- so that’s probably a first for small town USA with my sex party background. I knew there was a swinger scene here actually. So he doesn’t ask me anything about whether I like her- threesome type questions- so I’m wondering how “open” this relationship really is. I don’t bother flat out asking because that just ruins it. He still referred to her as his gf so that’s enough I need to know.

But fuck! This whole time I’ve been so perplexed thinking that I had met someone that I could totally click with- have an amazing sexy non-sexual time with, only to find out he wasn’t actually interested in me? What in the actual fuck? It’s a relief to find out that he is interested- and inspiring bc I REALLY NEED TO GO THE GYM.

Updates:

1. Baby-crazy ex and I saw each other during Valentines and decided to be together but not-- so that we could save our hearts for people who could keep it.
2. The surgeon has been nice to me at work but there has been ZERO flirting. I think I laid it on too thick. UGH I fucking hate him.
3. The bar manager’s friend who I blacked out drunk told all about my love goals was thankfully not to be seen anywhere in town this weekend. PHEW.

---

<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![brasileira](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/5f9b8f/32.png) [@brasileira](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/brasileira)\
**Post date:** [February 29, 2016, 12:30pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/thoughts-from-a-pervert-the-journal/61458/269 "2016-02-29T12:30:35Z")

</div>

Hey LS… Do you still use the putative [P75](https://pheromonelabs.com/product/p75/)?

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**Author:** ![CelticPrince](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/celticprince/32/397_2.png) [@CelticPrince](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/CelticPrince)\
**Post date:** [February 29, 2016, 4:50pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/thoughts-from-a-pervert-the-journal/61458/270 "2016-02-29T16:50:48Z")

</div>

If I remember LS you were using microdoses of [P75](https://pheromonelabs.com/product/p75/)?? Is that right?

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<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![LadyScientist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c57346/32.png) [@LadyScientist](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/LadyScientist)\
**Post date:** [March 1, 2016, 2:00am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/thoughts-from-a-pervert-the-journal/61458/271 "2016-03-01T02:00:11Z")

</div>

funny you should ask! here is some [P75](https://a314.com/product/p75/)

1 spray 2 mcg P75 between my legs  
2 sprays of 5 mcg P78 behind my neck  
2 sprays of MX\*\*\* on my chest

Denim dress, gray blazer, brown leather boots

My friends and I wanted to go support my friend’s band playing in town. When I walk in, guess who is on stage opening for my friend’s band? yup you know it- concert boy who I was just snapchatting with. I’m paranoid that he will think I’m stalking him (hey thanks small town USA what are the freaking odds?) So I make it really obvious I am there with my friends to support the other band. His band is so dorky and they sound so terrible. I really hate when he asks me what I think.

The Penny-Pinching actor lookalike crush boy is there and sits next to me. I notice he lets his leg lean up against me awfully close. The guy in the band is actually really cute too- older for me- kinda socially awkward but really ripped. I ask our mutual friend if she has ever dated him and if it is weird that I kinda have a crush on him. She approves the crush.

Dorky snapchatter boy is eyeing me hardcore while he is on stage. It makes me totally nervous. After their set, I see him snuggling up with his gf and since I have already met her, it would be too awkward not to say hello. So… I go up to them, awkwardly faux-hug them both and admit that I did not know they were playing and what a nice surprise running into them. He asks if I caught any of their songs (he knows I did, he was starring deeply into my eyes) and I say I heard the last couple… and they were terrible! hah.. no I kindly leave that part out.

I quickly make my escape back to my table, relieved that I got that part over with. I catch him looking over at me every chance he can get. I look down at my phone and he texts me.

him: Do you think my gf is hot?  
me: yeah why?  
him: do you want to have a threesome with us?  
me: sure sounds fun, I’ll consider it  
him: what is this? a negotiation?  
me: No, it’s just that not working out has prevented me from feeling good about myself so my sexual adventures are at a standstill. I’m not saying no, I’m saying yes in the near future  
him: well, from what we can tell - your body is more than ripe for pleasuring. We would love to have you over for dinner and drinks- see where it goes. We think you are cool as hell and drop dead gorgeous. Let us know  
me: You two are very sweet and really cute too- I will keep you posted.

They leave. Me and PennyPincher don’t make more eyes with each other. Now I’m all horny from this stupid proposal and have no one to play with. I go through my phone and this guy online was supposed to meet up with me last night but got called into work. So I drunk dial his ass and make him come over.

I have not had a sexy sexcapade in TOO fucking long. So I put on some candles, throw my dirty clothes in the closet, make the bed, and tidy up the house.

Before he comes over on I add 2 more sprays of of 2 mcg P78 to my neck and one spray of 2 mcg P75 to my legs.

I open the door and die. He is 6’5" and built like a god. How predictable am I? Wasn’t I just complaining about how there have been NO hotties in my life recently???

He remarks on how “swanky” my house looks (the best compliment you can give me, I worked so hard refurbishing furniture, putting up art, and building chandeliers from scratch)

I pour him some drinks and he is impressed with everything about me. We go sit down in my lounge (the Love Den) and don’t chat for more than in a few minutes before he is all over me.

He has an unfair advantage bc A) I love tall guys B) he sounds, acts, and behaves just like one of my best guy friends from college who I ADORE with my whole heart and who makes me so happy. So he inadvertently gets to see this side of me that most people don’t.

So it gets freaky, we go back downstairs to my bedroom, clothes come off, and yes ladies and gents, his package was the perfect present for me. 😃

We had this incredible mixture of talking about our passions, creative projects, childhood dreams, future goals, snuggling, and down right dirty pounding in front of my mirror nearly breaking the bed.

I confess I haven’t felt comfortable getting naked in front of anyone for quite some time and he puts all my insecurities to rest.

We repeat and go at it pretty much all night and into the morning. We don’t sleep at all. I have a half day of clinic so luckily I survived work and I had absolutely NO regrets. \<3

2 sprays of 5 mcg each P96 hairline  
2 sprays MX\*\*\* chest

Pink dress, grey tights, brown boots and brown leather jacket

Another online date at a coffee shop… except I get catfished and it was quite embarrassing. I stay polite, respectful, finish the whole cup of coffee, thank him for his time, then leave. Already dressed up on a nice day, I call another online date to meet me for brunch. This time I add 2 sprays of 5 mcg P78.

He is not my perfect height, 5’11" but he is intelligent, easy-going, and we both agree on how much we don’t want to have children.

He is also a traveling doctor so he will not be in town for very long, which makes me feel more at ease. The brunch is nice, I’m procrastinating working on my lecture for Grand Rounds so I suggest going to play pool/darts. I kick his ass repeatedly.

He tries to put his arm around my waist a few times, lean in close to me, maybe trying to kiss me. But you know me and PDA- can’t stand it.

So I invite him to my friend’s concert that night and suggest going back to my place and hanging out before the show.

I change into a blue halter dress and white cardigan, curl my hair, make us a snack, have a few drinks, and get ready for my friend to come get us. She is usually the first to call me out on my tinder dates but assumes since he is a doctor that he is another one of my “work friends” HAH! so she asks about getting catfished today (luckily I already told him the story) and we have a good laugh about it. When we get to the venue, all of our friends are there, my new neighbors are meeting us there, and I randomly meet one of my actually co-workers drunkenly there. (Thanks again small town USA!)

The PennyPincher looks especially dapper and I get jealous when he flirts with other girls around me. I can’t tell if he is actively trying to fuck me again (he did say that I was good in bed) or if he just wants to leave town while things are still good between us. I can’t read him and honestly I gave up. I tried so hard to be open with communication between us, determine if he wanted to date me or just screw me, and he kept things so vague that I just squashed it. Ain’t nobody got time for that!

While he was out of town, his dad called me about dog-sitting and I ended up hanging out with his dad for about an hour one morning. I wonder if his dad snapped him into shape “What is wrong with you son? She’s such a beautiful great girl and so successful!”

Anyway, whatever the neighbor does to get me all wasted works, because I blacked out AGAIN. He nicknamed me the “Baber” (babe-neighbor combo) and I really needed that confidence boost.

The poor traveling doctor could not get me to leave because I kept wanting to dance (omg how embarrassing) and I wake up to him in my bed with a whole stack of un-opened condoms and a bottle of lube next on the night stand (wow that is some drunken determination!)

I am about to compliment him on being a gentleman and not trying to fuck me while I was wasted but then find out that it was ME that was being shady. I make him breakfast, we sit on my porch, and he gives me the world’s best neck massage. I am so fucking spoiled.

I change into:  
Long maxi pink striped dress, white sandals, gray blazer  
No mones yet

To meet my girl crush for brunch. She is one of the coolest girls I know here and I really admire her. I have not see her in many months because she has been out of town and so have I- so we had A TON of catching up to do.

We get the bottomless mimosa thing going- stuff our face- talk about feminism, art, sexuality, athleticism, etc etc etc and I just love her to pieces. She is determined to set me up with one of her friends because she thinks I’m just sooo “hot and smart and cool” (keep it coming people, I need the confidence remember?)

So this guy she wants me to meet is over at her regular coffee shop and she convinces me to go over there. I walk in- everyone kinda stops what they are doing to stare at me, I sit down next to him and we make conversation about life and existentialism. I mention that by feeling infinitely small in an infinitely large universe it is easy to feel insignificant, but you can conversely say that despite being infinitely small, you can still make your life infinitely largely important and meaningful.

He bottles up a bit, seems to be in a hurry to leave, acts kind of closed off- and I get the impression he is not interested in me at all. On the drive back to my house, my gf says that’s how she knows he actually REALLY likes me bc I was able to intimidate him. She had already talked to him about me wanting something casual and she thinks that he is nervous because he can tell that I would be someone he would actually date- not just fuck.

So he texts her the address of this motorcycle club house type garage where he is hanging out at invites us over there- 3 TIMES. So we go back to my house, roll a blunt, pack some bourbon, I spray 2 sprays of 5 mcg P78 on her chest and 1 spray of 2 mcg P75 to her neck.

I touch up my make up and add the same exact mix to my neck.

I tell her what to look for, pay attention to how she feels, how she talks, the way people look at her, etc etc.

So we get to the boy’s treehouse (lol.. ok clubhouse) and I’m creaming myself bc I love watching guys work on bikes, cars, trucks, etc.

He is a tattoo-artist and so much cuter than his photos would have suggested. Now that I know how he acted around us without mones, I have a better idea of how he is acting NOW with products.

He compliments my gf LEFT and RIGHT. Talking about how hot she is on the bike, how awesome her boots are, how strong her legs are, staring at her up and down, pushing her on an ATV… and I’m thinking “ok he is way more into her than me”

He makes conversation with me too but it is not the same. I like that I can get him to lock eyes with me and he gives me this mysterious look, like he is trying to understand me but is scared of me. I know I have the power to generate this fear in him and it turns me on.

He invites us over to his house for a cocktail party he is having- I offer to make a pie or bring drinks. He likes the idea of pie. The party is not for another month and a half so we will see if this actually goes down.

When it is time for us to leave to meet another one of her friends for wine and cheese downtown, I hug the host good-bye, thank him for having us, and was not going to hug cute guy but he pulls me in and squeezes me really tight. He spends a lot of time inhaling my neck… oh yeah baby.

In the car, the gf and I gush about how cute he is and how we would totally tag team him the second he invites us over 😉

We go have wine and cheese and my 6’5" sex bunny says he is coming over (OOPS I forgot I invited him over too!) So I take the gf home, rush home, add 250 ng enone to the back of my ears and wait for my boo to come over.

We have round two of sex-marathon fest that just goes on and on and on. I love how perpetually hard he is- how much his body turns me on, how perfectly my body fits on his, how good we look in the mirror together, how big everything is on him, his laugh, his soft caress, the way he admires my heart, my laugh, my hair, my body, my mind…

We almost go to an all night diner bc we both worked up an appetite, but I really needed to get some sleep. He makes sure I want to see him again soon and I say that I do. He comments about he has never met a girl like me before and I ask, “what makes me so different from other females?”  
him: Well you actually have your shit together. Not just your life, but your career, your sense of self, your attitude, you know what you want, you’re really impressive.

(aww!)

I am half- asleep when he leaves so I apologize for not walking him out- and I wake up to see that he left both this baseball cap and t-shirt here. yummy- I pull the shirt up to my face and take a big sniff of it. I love it when boys leave their shirts!!!

Today, we text:

Me: So. Much. Fun.  
Him: yeah you’re pretty all right Lady S  
me: Just all right? and it’s Dr. Lady S  
Him: knew it. but ok, maybe better than all right but I just don’t want to over-inflate your ego  
me: but I’m a girl! compliments feed my soullllllll  
him: you’re right. I guess I better just tell you the truth about how sexy sweet and beautiful you are and how I can’t get enough of you.  
me: That’s stinking cute. Thank you.

(later we talk about sex and I ask if he is always such a marathon sexer and he says “No- but I think you’ve found a way to tap into it” YEAH IT’S CALLED P78… My hero 😛)

\*\* I asked the girl crush later if she felt anything weird or noticed anything differently after the sprays. Her young pre-adolescent son did not treat her differently. Her boo thing was kinda aggressive but “more handsy” and the guy we had wine/cheese with kissed her without any warning as soon as she saw him later to pick something up. She had also given him A TON of shit for not hooking up with her one snow storm previous so he could have been trying extra hard to prove something. She is still convinced the cute boy at the treehouse was giving her attention to be deliberately nonchalant towards me, as a way to prove I couldn’t get to him. Not sure.

---

<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![Conjurator](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/conjurator/32/410_2.png) [@Conjurator](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Conjurator)\
**Post date:** [March 1, 2016, 2:20am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/thoughts-from-a-pervert-the-journal/61458/272 "2016-03-01T02:20:29Z")

</div>

Great post 🙂. Nominated!

---

<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![brasileira](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/5f9b8f/32.png) [@brasileira](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/brasileira)\
**Post date:** [March 1, 2016, 4:14am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/thoughts-from-a-pervert-the-journal/61458/273 "2016-03-01T04:14:34Z")

</div>

Wow! Really cool. Definitely worth a nomination… 🙂

---

<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![Conjurator](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/conjurator/32/410_2.png) [@Conjurator](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Conjurator)\
**Post date:** [March 7, 2016, 6:56pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/thoughts-from-a-pervert-the-journal/61458/274 "2016-03-07T18:56:48Z")

</div>

Congrats for your award LadyScientist, well deserved.

---

<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![justintime469](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/justintime469/32/1402_2.png) [@justintime469](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/justintime469)\
**Post date:** [March 8, 2016, 1:11am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/thoughts-from-a-pervert-the-journal/61458/275 "2016-03-08T01:11:28Z")

</div>

Yes very well deserved

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<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![LadyScientist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c57346/32.png) [@LadyScientist](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/LadyScientist)\
**Post date:** [March 8, 2016, 3:37am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/thoughts-from-a-pervert-the-journal/61458/276 "2016-03-08T03:37:03Z")

</div>

Holy shit- I may be falling in love. again

Thanks for the support and love friends!

* * *

2 sprays 5 mcg each p74  
1 spray 5 mcg p78  
Black leggings, cream lace top, brown leather boots

I organize a happy hour meet-up for some co-workers and invite a few non-medical friends to keep the conversation non-clinical based (why do we ALWAYS talk about work?!) These friends have been my closest here so far, one is a guy and the other is a girl. The guy picks me up with his gf and we head to the bar. The surgeon I’m crushing on may or may not show up so I decide to invite my new hottie boy toy to throw in some competitive pieces in the game (since he responded so well last time to that). I warn my guy friend that I’m inviting a new guy to hang around and to please be nice. Well Hotty Mcbody agrees to meet up, tells me when he plans on getting off, and ends up having to work all night, missing the whole dinner/drinks. Guy friend is not convinced this guy likes me bc he no-showed. Best co-worker girl friend is not convinced this is a good guy. I stay calm bc my work schedule is just as annoying and if I want someone to be understanding of my hours, I need to be understanding of his. So, I tell him to meet me at my house. I’m still chatting with my work best gf in the car when he walks up. I don’t bother introducing them and just run out to meet him.

I briefly tease him about making me look bad in front of my friends by not showing up and he genuinely feels bad. We start kissing in the kitchen and it doesn’t take long before we are in the bedroom.

He is not drunk but he gets soft for no reason without finishing. I’m really good at playing this off, and in no time he is at it again but clearly something is bothering him that he can’t finish. I finally get him to climax and we snuggle in bed. He doesn’t ask if he can sleep over and I don’t kick him out. We fool around repeatedly but it is nothing like it normally is (off day or 5 mcg not enough p78? I normally use 10 mcg?)

In the morning, it snows and he gets up to leave when I do. Turns out my morning clinics were canceled and I could have snow-cuddled-sexed him all morning!! I text him to tell him how pissed I am that I could have slept in with him (he goes in later than I do) and we are both disappointed it didn’t happen.

Two days later: Saturday night

5 mcg p96 neck  
2 mcg p75 wrist  
10 mcg p78 (2 sprays back of head)

Slutty low cut black dress, black patterned fishnets, gray blazer, brown boots

Meet my best friends for a birthday dinner party. Everyone is pissed at Actor-look alike guy bc he is treating that girl he is dating like pure shit. Best girl friend still hasn’t met my new Hotty Mcbody and asks me to invite him out with us after dinner. Since we hadn’t totally talked about ?dating? vs ?fucking? I felt unsure about whether that was the right decision or not. I know we bonded more than we both expected to, but I had invited him to a concert Sunday night and he didn’t get back to me in time so I ended up inviting baby-craving ex. He apologized and said he was bad about his phone (poor excuse) and that he wouldn’t know for sure if he could go until later Saturday and that would be too late to find someone else. So that and not showing up to happy hour made it clear that he was not interested in hanging out with me outside of the bedroom.

But hey- let’s just throw him a bone. I send him a picture of me waiting for my ride. He asks me where I’m going and what I’m up to. I tell him where we are and he should come through. He says ‘‘he just might have to’’ so I respond with ‘‘yessss… I can’t wait to feel how wet I get when I see you walk in.’’

So hours go by, no boy. Drama hits the fan with a few of my friends crying about the loss of a loved one and everyone gets a little too drunk. I ask him for his ETA and he says he will walk over to my side of town in about an hour. It’s already getting late and the birthday party is wrapping up, still no one has met him yet. None of this is looking good for him.

Best girl friend is still anxious to meet him so she sticks around ridiculously late after everyone has left, to meet him. Well, dude gets too drunk to walk over. So I call him out on having a drunk fail and tell him he can get in a uber to see me, or I quit him. (mind you I’ve seen him drunk but never this stupid drunk, so I’m kinda shitting bricks over here)

I send him an uber bc he was never going to figure out how to do it himself. My best gf berates me for spending a dime on him (it was a whole $5 oh big deal) but it’s the point of me having to do it. I have to reassure her that I want the D and if he can’t figure out how to walk, he most definitely cannot figure out how to call an uber.

He meets me 20 minutes before the bar closes. So wasted that he cannot adequately meet my friends (surprise surprise, we’ve all been there). Asks me what I want to drink and then forgets to order me one. Follows me into the bathroom to hook up with me (it’s the same exact bathroom the surgeon fucked me in, talk about full-circle) and play with powder. But I convince him that since the bar is closing in 15 minutes, we should just wait until we get home.

He goes outside to smoke a cigarette. My best gf is staring at me like I’m a giant pile of stupid. ‘‘Really?! This guy? Why?!’’

I defend him- that he is high, he is wasted, just trust me.

We go outside, he is talking to a group of 8 women circling around him giggling and flirting. I just roll my eyes, touch him on the shoulder, and tell him I’m leaving.

Him: No, don’t go. I am coming with you.  
Me: No, you’re not, you seem to have your hands full.  
Him: I thought you liked girls.  
Me: I do, but I didn’t choose any of those girls, you did.  
Him: oh so you were just saying that to impress me?  
Me: no, but go knock yourself out. Bye

He frantically follows after me and his couple friend join us at my house for drinks and snow-sprinkles (hint hint)

The couple gets weirded out by him being too fucked up so they leave shortly after coming over. Him and I stay up in my Love Den. I don’t know if it was the snow sprinkled party favors, but I just very nonchalantly express myself…

Me: so we didn’t really talk about whether we should just be fuck friends or date  
him: wait- you’d like me enough to date me?  
Me: well I did for a minute, but then you blew it by not showing up to hang out with any of my friends two times in a row.  
Him: No, I didn’t know you liked me ? I want you to like me. You should like me. I’m not that kinda guy- I know what it looks like but it’s not me.  
Me: yeah, I wanted to also. I didn’t expect anything when we met, but it felt like we sorta bonded that one night. Now, I’m not so sure about you.  
Him: No, we definitely bonded. You’re the coolest hottest girl I’ve met in a really long time. Like me again- I won’t blow it. Please? I was super wasted tonight, I normally don’t get like this.  
Me: yeah, I dunno. We will see.  
Him: you will see. You’ll like who I really am, I promise.  
Me: Well, I already tried asking you out a bunch of times! You didn’t even want to go to the concert with me tomorrow.  
Him: I do want to go- you didn’t give me a chance. It sounds fun, cancel your date.

That leads to the next conversation, where I talk about me taking my ex to the concert. And how it’s going to be kind of awkward to cancel on him bc he was really looking forward to it. I explain to Hotty McBody that I wasn’t looking forward to go with the ex. He is just moving and hadn’t seen me in 3 weeks so was missing me. I don’t like to change my plans to see people so if someone wants to see me, they have to do what I’m doing ( I know I’m a brat). Also, now that I’m so into Hotty McBody, I’m really over baby-craving ex. His voice on the phone used to turn me on and now it just irritates me. Thinking about his terrible dorky dance moves. Listening to him fart all night long (he doesn’t even bother excusing himself or trying to take it elsewhere) disgusted me non-stop. I had been wishing McBody would go with me all weekend. It such a relief to hear him fight for me and want to go. That night we fuck all night long as per the usual and it’s incredible. It’s so hard to resist him and I don’t even try.

In the morning, I apologize to the ex that I have to cancel bc I met someone and want to give us a chance. He understands but I can tell he is hurt.

My friends have a Sunday brunch tradition, and the group text thread gets going. I convince McBody to go with me since they are all dying to meet him. He is scared bc he is convinced they all hate him after his terrible guest-appearances and no-shows. I tell him he just has to sit there, I’ll do all the talking. Half the group cancels, so just best guy friend and his gf are there. We stay and chat for a while, I keep my promise that he doesn’t have to talk. I’m happy that they know he is alive and not as big of a jerk as he came off as. They leave, we stay to finish eating. We decide we want to get a room in the town the concert is in so we don’t have to sober up for the drive home. I’m hesitant because it’s a Sunday and I don’t want to be late for work Monday morning but the idea of staying away with him sounds awesome.

I get us 4-star room in downtown, he splits it with me, I drive us there and we chat about a bunch of different things on the drive there. There is something so fucking romantic and magical about going away for a night and getting a room. It’s like a mini-adventure. And OHH. EM. GEE. Was it magical.

Everything from the way he carried my bag, to checking on my car, to getting snacks on the road, to finding a place to eat, to worrying about me getting to the concert on time, to the inside jokes we suddenly had so many of, to how we couldn’t touch each other without ripping our clothes off, to fucking in the window, to making everyone jealous of us bc we were so happy and fun- was just absolutely fucking perfect.

Our bodies move in sync, or minds think in sync, we just mesh so easily. And we are both so into each other.

Before the concert I put on:

2 mcg [P75](https://pheromonelabs.com/product/p75/) crotch  
2 sprays of 5 mcg p78 back of head  
2 sprays MX\*\*\* neck

I had packed my make up bag and left it at home \>😕 was really unhappy about it. I wanted to look really sexy for him. He makes sure to tell me I look really beautiful without any on and I say ‘‘well if you still wanna fuck me, then that’s all that matters then!’’ he responds with, ‘’ duh you know I do. You weren’t wearing make-up all day.‘’ I love that I didn’t have to ask him to reassure me- that he picked up on my insecurity without me hinting at it.

Part of why we were so bonded, is that on the ride there I call him out on all the stupid shit he said/did when he was drunk and didn’t remember. He is actually pretty embarrassed about all of it- asks me to please not listen or trust anything he said. I ask, ‘’ even the good stuff?‘’ to which he replies, ‘‘No, I remember the good stuff- you can believe that.’’

At the concert, these girls next to us keep trying to steal him from me. Every time I leave to go to the bathroom, they are all up on his grill. When he leaves, 2 guys creep on me. What the hell people? Weren’t we clearly a happy couple? Who wants to break that up?

One bartender makes a comment to me ?I’m always nice to the cute girls?- it made my night bc I wasn’t wearing any make-up.

We stay out late, get freaky in front of a grand fireplace in the hotel bar, sneak our drinks out to the dock, break into a river boat, smoke a blunt on the roof of the boat, and come back to the room to fuck against the window from the 12th floor.

He drives us back because I’m way too exhausted. And he invites me to go out of town with him next weekend- his work is paying and he does have to work- but I will get to explore while he’s working. I’m excited bc it’s a town I’ve wanted to visit for quite some time!

Things I love hearing him say:

- I can’t get enough of you
- I want to fuck you all day, everyday.
- What are you trying to do to me?
- You, baby (after I say, ‘you’re so sexy’)
- I love the way you feel
- I want more of you

I’m kind of a bit smitten. Sex with him feels like what a honeymoon should feel like. Laughing and having fun with him is just like a combination of so many different best friends I’ve had throughout my life. His touch sending shivers up my spine- the way he is always rough but gentle with my body- the way he cradles my body, the way we open our hearts to each other and share secrets- is like what I’ve fantasized to feel for so long but haven’t ever. #1 crush in NYC was probably the only other person on the planet that could make me feel something close to this- and I’ve been dying to feel it again. I’m so lucky it only took a year a half.

---

<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![brasileira](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/5f9b8f/32.png) [@brasileira](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/brasileira)\
**Post date:** [March 8, 2016, 7:03pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/thoughts-from-a-pervert-the-journal/61458/277 "2016-03-08T19:03:03Z")

</div>

Fingers crossed for you two…

I’m sure you deserve all that happiness! 😉

---

<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![LadyScientist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c57346/32.png) [@LadyScientist](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/LadyScientist)\
**Post date:** [March 11, 2016, 11:12pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/thoughts-from-a-pervert-the-journal/61458/278 "2016-03-11T23:12:47Z")

</div>

Test Control night

No products, no make up

I had a really tough day at work, a ton of emergencies and virtually no assistance. The boy, McBody had just given news the night before that his work trip out of town has to be purely work related since his ‘‘big boss’’ decided to come too, so I would not be able to tag along. He assured me he would still pop my cherry for this town and that he was just as disappointed as I was that we were not going together. I am so used to boys flaking because they don’t really like me and not for an actual legitimate reason that it is still hard for me to take their word for it.

There was a small window when I could see him before he left and I told him I needed some sex. For real. My Starbucks treat (WITH the caramel pump AND the almond croissant thank you very much) did not hit the spot after the insane day I had. He agreed. I left the door open for him while I was in the shower, he opened the front door, waited for me to finish, watched me lotion and oil up my body then carried me into the bedroom. Sigh, I love the way he picks up my body… I always fantasize about being with someone strong enough to do as they will with my body- but those love fests are so short lived.

The biggest difference I noticed without the P78, is that he takes his time with me. He moves slower. He enjoys the touch longer. He indulges each caress. It’s lighter. It’s softer- he doesn’t just look into my eyes, he holds my eyes with his. Our eye contact is like a magnetic force keeping us attached. It’s more like love-making.

Granted, this could be a natural progression of the connection. We had just gone out of town together and bonded on a mini-road trip. But he wanted to keep the conversation open. With the mones, he always laid flat and we snuggled. This time, even though all the other times we’ve had drinks, he sat up against the headboard to drink his drink and talk with me. He opened up about his ex. (she was a trainwreck, he seemed very hurt by her life choices and genuinely sad for her) I opened up about some of mine (I only told my horror stories, not many of the good ones). We had already opened up about our childhoods, but we also talked about body-image a lot. I have been battling this new insecurity thing that I have never had before. I guess I have to embrace my body is changing and I’m not adequately changing my life style choices to halter it’s growth. I mean, I still look really good naked. And he certainly thinks so. I LOVED watching us fuck in the mirror. But I just saw him naked 4 days ago a and he must hav eonly lifted weights once or twice this week and he looks A WORLD different. ITS NOT FUCKING FAIR.

He doesn’t make me feel stupid for my insecurity and he doesn’t try to make me change my mind. He just accepts it. But when he rubs his hand down my belly, I cringe. Or if we are in positions that make my belly fold or hang, I don’t want him to see it. I’m only 1 size bigger than normal, it’s not the end of the world. It’s just that I don’t see how I can fix it any time soon with my schedule. (14 hour days 6 days a week) I cannot find the energy to do anything- laundry, clean, read, with this crazy schedule. I gave myself 1 year for academia and I should just enjoy immersing myself in it (bc hey… there is talk about me being full time faculty at this pretty incredible university!!)

He still did a lot of ‘‘boyfriendy’’ things; I had forgotten my charger in the car, he offered to get it, I was craving champagne, he wondered why I didn’t ask for him to pick some up on the way, asked what I preferred for my cum-rag clean up tool, made sure I had an extra pillow for my asthma, kissed my head while caressing my hair, picked up the glasses and brought them to the kitchen sink, said ‘‘we’’ when referring to us getting a Granny once a week (Grown-up/Nanny to cook, clean, and run our errands, one of which we decided was freshly squeezed juiced cocktails in pitchers to last the week)

He left and assured me he would see me when he gets back and told me the date/time— does that mean, right when he gets back?

Conclusion: P78 is a ravenous, hungry- like sexual appetite that cannot be satiated leading to repeated fast cannibalistic sex. He was still able to get aroused as often but only came twice (I think that’s his average anyway) He did get soft faster but was able to re-achieve an erection after some mild stimulation. The ability to get an erection was about equal with and without, the ability to maintain is stronger with p78 and ability to orgasm is easier with p78- the sex is hungrier and faster vs slower and more romantic.

Oh and also- it makes me LOVE the smell of him. He swears he only wears Old Spice deodorant, I know all these variants very fucking well, and I don’t think that’s it. I mean, I have been known to like Old Spice especially well, it turns me on a lot with certain body odors, but his smell mixed in with laying in his arms gives me that feeling I’ve only felt twice before, ‘‘Please make me yours: I want to be yours, I want to be only yours, make me your girl, I will please you, I will service you, I will be the best woman you will ever have’’ (the other times was with this random guy at an orgy from London; and another random guy I met an orgy who I stayed with all week while he was in town and joked about marrying)

---

<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![LadyScientist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c57346/32.png) [@LadyScientist](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/LadyScientist)\
**Post date:** [March 13, 2016, 5:19pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/thoughts-from-a-pervert-the-journal/61458/279 "2016-03-13T17:19:05Z")

</div>

I am the threesome queen!

2 sprays to the chest MX 4\*\*

I love the LOVE pack. But this one and 480 have been my least favorite (hence they are the only two I have left… oh the days when my paycheck is large again.) 466 and 469 could dominate the world- I am buying those in jars asap.

I took Friday off because I was planning on going out of town and then decided to keep it off since I have been on the go so much recently. I had huge plans of finally organizing my guest room (there are STILL a few boxes in there from the move; don’t judge) but I just enjoyed the sunshine with my dog and napped. (see… I could have gone to the gym!!)

Friday and Saturday were unbearable missing McBody. I can’t explain this thirst for him. I was longing for him in this desperate pathetic pre-teen way. Yes, I was horny for him, but I also just wanted him around. I started being able to relate to people who get stuck in the rut of isolating themselves from their friends bc they just prefer their significant other’s company.

This traveling doctor called and invited me to dinner since he had a really rough day. Having had one recently- I totally understood how he felt and decided to get out of my sweats and meet him. I also decided that I would confront him about the way he asked for a blow job last time I saw him. At the time, I wasn’t really feeling it, but there was something about the way he asked me, like I owed him something and it felt pressured. For whatever reason, I didn’t have the courage to say no and I couldn’t articulate that I wasn’t in the mood. That’s not his fault- that is mine. I was more disappointed in myself but also curious about what about him and that situation made me feel like I couldn’t just be honest? It really disturbed me.

We went to my favorite place, I let him bitch about his day, he listened to me bitch about mine, realizing that mine was far worse, and we talked about his other tinder potentials (which in retrospect was the reason I was so turned off… I don’t care if you share, but act like you actually want to be here in the moment with me and I’m not just some time killing side piece).

I also opened up about some bad news in my family. He could relate, despite him being sensitive and emotional, he has this tendency to be extremely pragmatic and put up walls- it’s the most unattractive thing about him. I appreciated him listening to me bc I hadn’t had a chance to vent about it with anyone as I just found out a few hours prior. It also made me really miss McBody, who when confided also said he wished he was there with me to make me feel better.

I noticed he opened my car door every time, he came up to my house door when he picked me up (I think he is starting to realize that girls here do not tolerate the lack of chivalry out- of-staters have become so relaxed with) and I didn’t even bother offering to pay since he was the one that invited me out. In the past, we took turns splitting everything.

We went to the next bar and for the second time, he wouldn’t let me give him directions but insisted on using the GPS. This was offensive and condescending the first time, but the second time, OH HELL NO.

Well, I got a chance to show it bc his network was slow and wouldn’t load. ‘‘I’m sorry directions? But I’m just a girl, I don’t have a brain and I can’t help.’’

He was annoyed that I insinuated that because I put words in his mouth- but as we got closer, he got more frustrated and I just kept smiling and refusing to help. **evil laugh**

We sat at the bar, I took him there for his taste in craft beer but we both got hard drinks. We were people watching some hot girl and guy drama and trying to figure out the story. I let them sit next to us while he was in the bathroom and made eyes at the guy a few times (what? I couldn’t help it he was really cute). He leaned up against me with our backs facing each other so while my date was talking to me, he couldn’t tell that this guy was very subtly rubbing/leaning on me.

Then this other very young handsome guy sits down next to me and says, ‘‘Hi!’’ I respond and make small conversation, including my date in the conversation. Turns out, he has a crush on said Hot girl and is pissed she is here with new Hot Guy bc she finally broke off her engagement and it was HIS turn to swoop in. (sweeeeeet we got the story! Knew it had to be a good one, oh I love small towns)

We try to reassure him that he’s way cuter than new Hot Guy (I dunno, new guy was more manly) and get his mind off it. So we analyze his Tinder profile. (OMG this app is ruining our culture) I remark how I have never seen him on Tinder and then he makes a comment about how he sets his age settings really low. My date makes a comment about my age and I take it both personally, ‘‘point out a single wrinkle on my face.. go ahead bitch’’

They realize they have offended me and broken-hearted James Dean guy is so curious about my age now and is mesmerized that I look so much younger than my age. James Dean then takes a new picture of my date for his Tinder profile since all his photos suck. I’m still annoyed and secretly over both of them.

We meet his other guy friend and decide to go across the street to the beer garden. There, James Dean gets really flirty with me. He makes a comment about the Hot Girl he is not over and says, ‘‘Who needs another environmental scientist when I have MY doctor right here’’, then proceeds to put his arms around me. My eyes nearly pop out of my head looking at my date ‘‘HIIISSSS doctor? Oh really???’’ My date asks me to go take a walk with him stating, ‘‘looks like you made a new friend…’’ I tell him to cut him some slack, there is no way he could have known we were on a date together because we were both talking about being on Tinder. People here do not take lightly to seeing multiple people at the same time… (and omg talk about ballsy- straight up stealing me from my date, only seen this with IS/A)

which got me thinking… Do I need to have this conversation with McBody? We agreed to date but we also said we both think commitment is really hard.

So I’m standing at the bar with my date, I had already confessed how I felt about the blow job thing on the car ride over there, and his response was a shrugged ‘‘sorry?’’ It just made me question his whole character. Here I was, finding the courage to be open about something most girls would NEVER confess, and he has the audacity to dismiss me and say a pathetic insensitive sorry with a fucking shrug. So I bring it up again:

Me: Thank you for listening to me earlier about how I felt about that whole blow job situation.  
Him: thank you for telling me about it, I wonder how many other women have felt similarly and never said anything.  
Me: Probably more than you realize. It’s hard to be honest with you, even after confessing it, you seemed like you dismissed my feelings entirely and gave me this in-genuine apology.  
Him: I was shocked, I didn’t really know what to say. I am really sorry I made you feel that way.  
Me: Regardless, it’s more a matter of how I feel around you. It’s my fault I didn’t say no. There is something about you that doesn’t make me feel safe to be honest. It’s not like you’re so much bigger than me that I am physically threatened by you, but I am clearly just not that comfortable around you. I don’t trust myself to be alone with you right now. I’m sorry but I can’t go home with you tonight.  
Him: I understand. Can I take you home at least?  
Me: No, thank you though, I will just get an uber.

James Dean and his friend see us in a serious talk and decide to leave after saying goodnight.

Meanwhile, this really crazy drunk girl next to me is struggling to order drinks. I help her out, she is so grateful that she buys us shots, confesses it is her birthday and wants to go to karaoke. She takes a photo of me and my date. Leaves her card and her phone on the bar, I chase after her to give it to her, she is so grateful she kisses me and invites me to go with her and that her uber is here. I tell my date that I’m going to celebrate this random girl’s birthday with her and that I’ll talk to him later. He leaves.

I text the friend of James Dean ( I didn’t get his number but I got the friends bc we had talked about him being a massage therapist and I’m in the market for one). I convince them to come back to the bar and come with us. On the car ride there, she is all over James Dean and they kiss like crazy. She gets on top of him and starts riding him. He has one hand on my leg and I just smile. She turns around to kiss me sometimes and I kiss her back.

We go to this bar, she turns out to be a regular there, sings amazingly well, and get us a few drinks. We go back to my house (they are fingering on the car ride to my house) and I pour us some more drinks. They end up fucking on my floor in front of me and the other friend and I honestly don’t mind, the attic is my converted party room- I really don’t care what happens up there. All my nice furniture is downstairs. The friend doesn’t know what to do because I’m not into him, so when he tries to touch me, I turn him down, repeatedly. So finally, the girl asks me to get him to leave since he is a buzzkill, and I apologize profusely. ‘‘sorry but, the lady isn’t into you, I’m not feeling it- I want you on a professional level and this would be very weird’’ ? so poor guy is kicked out of the kinda sorta threesome. I mostly play with her, kiss her and him, but he fucks her without a condom on and that is a big no-no for me. She even says she is not on the pill and I’m just blown away someone would be that stupid.

So they ask to go to my bedroom, which I’m sorta ok with? But then she gets really crazy and keeps saying how much she loves him. He seems kinda smothered by it all and gives me this look like he wants out. So I hint that I want to go to sleep and he agrees. So I ask her to leave because she is the one that just didn’t want to stop playing even though we were both tired and wanted to pass out. I know she is crazy hammered and would be more upset waking up here than in her own place, so I use her phone to call a lyft after she asks me to, and then gets mad at me when it’s finally here.

Dude gets dressed in the morning and acts kind of weird. I make sure he knows we didn’t have sex and he says he knows. I give him a ride to his house and he asks me for my number. I haven’t heard from him yet. She calls me in the morning to put some missing pieces together and then is annoyed that I didn’t know them well. Well bitch, I just met you too.

My date calls me to apologize again and make sure we are ok. He says that part of the reason he felt comfortable being so forward with me was bc when I was blacked out drunk I was so forward with him. I had to remind him that consent one weekend does not mean consent every weekend, which he understood. He wants to go to brunch but I am out of money until my paycheck is cleared so he offers to pay and I offer to smoke him out.

We have a nice brunch and a nice day sitting outside in the sun. I had already decided that I wanted him more as a friend than a lover from day one, but this whole thing just confirms it. We text a few times after that but I think I’m pulling the cord on this one.

And… is it too soon to ask McBody if we should still sleep with other people??? can he please get home soon, I’m fucking losing it without him.

---

<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![LadyScientist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c57346/32.png) [@LadyScientist](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/LadyScientist)\
**Post date:** [March 30, 2016, 2:40am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/thoughts-from-a-pervert-the-journal/61458/280 "2016-03-30T02:40:05Z")

</div>

Just here to say McBody went missing after a long conversation about how much he was interested in me and wanted to spend more time with me, but then a person died in his family, then he may or may not have done substances, did not show up to work 5 days later, I still hadn’t heard from him for 5 days, told him I was worried, then get a text from him that he was arrested.

After panicking he was dead all week, I was relieved he was alive (I literally cried all week) he doesn’t bother explaining when, how, or why. Just more radio silence. So I ask my friend’s police detective boyfriend to look up his record and the arrest is over nothing! No drug or violent charges! just a warrant for a noise complaint fine that was never paid a few years back. Sounds fishy like maybe some charges were dropped…

Anyway… it’s been a week and he is officially ghosting me over this death in the family and his recent arrest. Boys are so fucking dramatic and pull away when they are upset.

100$ says he texts in a few weeks and wants to see me again? it’s not ghosting if you come back again as ZOMBIES. mother fuckers.

Really. These fucking intimidated piece of shit waste of space insecure BABIES who are scared of a little feisty dick sucking fine doctor ass. GIMME a BREAK.

---

<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![Conjurator](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/conjurator/32/410_2.png) [@Conjurator](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Conjurator)\
**Post date:** [March 30, 2016, 3:27am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/thoughts-from-a-pervert-the-journal/61458/281 "2016-03-30T03:27:56Z")

</div>

Just thinking of him is a waste at this point 🙂.

For zombies, if all else fails, “shoot the brain” (manner of speech)!

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