# Thoughts from a Pervert- The Journal **URL:** \ **Category:** Women's Journals\ **Created:** [March 24, 2014, 2:30am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/thoughts-from-a-pervert-the-journal/61458 "2014-03-24T02:30:58Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 15
**Author:** ![brasileira](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/5f9b8f/32.png) [@brasileira](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/brasileira)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2016, 12:36pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/thoughts-from-a-pervert-the-journal/61458/282 "2016-03-30T12:36:00Z")
How old is this guy??? I got the impression you are dating some teenager… a grown up man cannot be that idiot! And if he is, be happy you could get rid of him so easily. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![LadyScientist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c57346/32.png) [@LadyScientist](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/LadyScientist)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2016, 10:54pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/thoughts-from-a-pervert-the-journal/61458/283 "2016-04-21T22:54:50Z")
I’m in TX and I’m not over McBody 2 sprays of 5mcg P78 each on my neck 2 sprays 5mcg p96 chest 2 sprays 2.5 ng p75 crotch I’m sorry I haven’t written. I’ve been devastated about McBody and you can disagree all you want - but I’ve fucked enough ppl in my life to know when I’m having a rare connection with someone. We had it all- a lusty attraction, emotional longing, open line of communication, and being on the same mental page that I honestly haven’t felt that in years or ever. Like I said, even #1 crush came close but this was something entirely out of my dreams. He was a combination of every favorite person in my life all in one. I trust that he just did something stupid and its biting him in the ass- there is no way this arrest is a reflection of some violent devious personality. Time will tell. He eventually told me he’s living at home with his mom and has cut off communication with everyone to look good for the courts- not just me- and it isn’t personal. Whatever. I hate how guys handle shit when it hits the fan. I expected more from him. So the story: Put on my booty call mix and it was a total bust. Guy got fat since last time I saw him, smelled like sour vinegar, and came in two seconds. Was wretched. I couldn’t get rid of him fast enough- and shouldn’t have even gone through with it. He drove two hours to see me and my guilt ate me Alive- why am I so vain. So I met up with my guy friends at a local concert an hour later who brought a few girlfriends and a huge group of guys I had never met (4 total). None of the guys could share me for a second. The drunkest of all couldn’t keep his hands off me (in an open marriage- why?) the other was trying to get me home with his wife (also open) and the other two were fighting over me so badly I couldn’t even talk to my guy friends without trouble ensuing. DAMN- so this is what my booty call mix is like in public- I’ve never used it out. One of the guys and I actually bro’d out about putting on parties here (he’s a dj and this town is seriously lacking summer dance parties) - so he comes over with me to hang out making it perfectly clear we won’t hook up. We try to get the boys to come out and play with us but they are too faded. I drunkenly make us food and we sleep in the same bed without him making any moves. Thank god! Was impressed. It was incredibly nice to felt admired by so many people again- I hadn’t experienced it in some time and longed for it. I know McBody isn’t over me- but it still feels like it’s over. I need him to get his life together so we can get together. I tried the above mix again at a club and had guys starring at me and being creepy as all hell. I ended up picking some tall rich black guy to talk to- blacked out- went home with him- puked all over his bedroom and bathroom- he had to shower me- sleep on the floor with me- and I had to pay a house cleaner to go to his house the next day. He gave me clothes to wear home and still invited me to his house party that weekend? WHAT? I just college girl retarded drunked all over your fancy house. (For the record : I haven’t done that in years- no excuse to drink my troubles away but this break up is getting to me) ---
**Author:** ![somechick03862](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/278dde/32.png) [@somechick03862](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/somechick03862)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2016, 10:49pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/thoughts-from-a-pervert-the-journal/61458/284 "2016-04-27T22:49:51Z")
> [@LadyScientist](#): > > 2 sprays of 5mcg P78 each on my neck > 2 sprays 5mcg p96 chest > 2 sprays 2.5 ng p75 crotch > > I’m sorry I haven’t written. I’ve been devastated about McBody and you can disagree all you want - but I’ve fucked enough ppl in my life to know when I’m having a rare connection with someone. We had it all- a lusty attraction, emotional longing, open line of communication, and being on the same mental page that I honestly haven’t felt that in years or ever. Like I said, even #1 crush came close but this was something entirely out of my dreams. > > He was a combination of every favorite person in my life all in one. I trust that he just did something stupid and its biting him in the ass- there is no way this arrest is a reflection of some violent devious personality. Time will tell. > > He eventually told me he’s living at home with his mom and has cut off communication with everyone to look good for the courts- not just me- and it isn’t personal. Whatever. I hate how guys handle shit when it hits the fan. I expected more from him. > > So the story: > > Put on my booty call mix and it was a total bust. Guy got fat since last time I saw him, smelled like sour vinegar, and came in two seconds. Was wretched. I couldn’t get rid of him fast enough- and shouldn’t have even gone through with it. He drove two hours to see me and my guilt ate me Alive- why am I so vain. > > So I met up with my guy friends at a local concert an hour later who brought a few girlfriends and a huge group of guys I had never met (4 total). > > None of the guys could share me for a second. The drunkest of all couldn’t keep his hands off me (in an open marriage- why?) the other was trying to get me home with his wife (also open) and the other two were fighting over me so badly I couldn’t even talk to my guy friends without trouble ensuing. DAMN- so this is what my booty call mix is like in public- I’ve never used it out. > > One of the guys and I actually bro’d out about putting on parties here (he’s a dj and this town is seriously lacking summer dance parties) - so he comes over with me to hang out making it perfectly clear we won’t hook up. We try to get the boys to come out and play with us but they are too faded. I drunkenly make us food and we sleep in the same bed without him making any moves. Thank god! Was impressed. > > It was incredibly nice to felt admired by so many people again- I hadn’t experienced it in some time and longed for it. > > I know McBody isn’t over me- but it still feels like it’s over. I need him to get his life together so we can get together. > > I tried the above mix again at a club and had guys starring at me and being creepy as all hell. I ended up picking some tall rich black guy to talk to- blacked out- went home with him- puked all over his bedroom and bathroom- he had to shower me- sleep on the floor with me- and I had to pay a house cleaner to go to his house the next day. He gave me clothes to wear home and still invited me to his house party that weekend? WHAT? I just college girl retarded drunked all over your fancy house. > > (For the record : I haven’t done that in years- no excuse to drink my troubles away but this break up is getting to me) For what it’s worth, you have my sympathies over McBody. I feel the same way about Rob, even though it is clearly never going to mean the same thing to him as it did me. He STILL says he wants me, but then he tells me he is moving away to start over. I hope that he will figure his shit out so you can have a real chance. He is losing something pretty freaking awesome if he doesn’t. ---
**Author:** ![LadyScientist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c57346/32.png) [@LadyScientist](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/LadyScientist)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2016, 3:36pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/thoughts-from-a-pervert-the-journal/61458/285 "2016-07-01T15:36:38Z")
I’m done! Well everyone, I finally finished my fellowship and am a new attending/faculty member at the teaching hospital. Yesterday was my official last day as a fellow and I’m taking a month off to travel before starting as faculty. WHAT A TRIP. (literally! back to NYC then Europe) It hasn’t really hit me yet, I still act like a child and this is something I’ve wanted for so long (13 years?) and the struggle is finally over. There will be hardships as a faculty member, but the pay is better and I will have much more respect (and reserve parking closer to the hospital!) so first of all; I quit the IUD in February because of complications and noticed that 2 months ago my sprays worked A TON BETTER. We had hypothesized about this forever but it was nice to see it in action. It takes approx 3 months to neutralize after stopping so May was around the time I noticed the difference. I started a new “lolo” pill in June, which sucked at first, but it’s starting to come around. It’s my first time in 20 years taking any type of estrogen (I’m heavy progesterone) and I was so fucking emotional. My tits doubled in size and I cried about everything all fucking month long. I haven’t had to apologize for my behavior this much since I accidentally blacked out all the time from drinking in college. Surprisingly, me being vulnerable, moody, emotional, crabby, and bitchy did not scare away the boys. WHAT?! hello- I can’t stand me- what the hell are they doing here? I have a couple theories about this: 1. it gives them the chance to be a protector and save me, make me feel better, nurture me, I’ve never been “weak” before 2. it mimics pregnancy hormones so much that it’s possible they are taking on their mating role on a subconscious level by being loyal to me 3. they just feel sorry for me, they are nice guys who don’t like to see girls cry and it makes them turn to mush to see it 4. they feel guilty because they know the only reason I’m on the pill in the first place is because I really don’t want their fucking children but I want to keep fucking them. So, another important thing to note: I’m finally over McBody. I was out with some friends, some hot random guys were talking to me, he was at the bar talking to some girl, and he just looked terrible. He was not dressed well, and seeing his face irritated me. I waited to see how long it would take him to recognize me, but he never noticed me. We even walked in the same direction to our cars after, and still nothing. I messaged him that I saw him, he acted surprised, congratulated me for getting my faculty position, and then I blocked him. and that was that! I knew I just needed that closure. So, it took a year, but your faithful player finally has her following here in small town USA. The nice thing about small towns, is that there are nearby small towns, so you can have a boy in every close major city. Which I do, 5-6 depending on how strong/casual it is. So the ex who wants me to have his children is still in love with me. There are two furniture makers, one significantly cuter than the other, one significantly more mature than the other, and I kind of dropped the one artist on my birthday when his house smelled so bad I had to get a hotel room. There were other red flags, like him not buying me drinks or holding the door for me that really pissed me off. So he is still missing me and wanting me back- but he’s going to have to do some major groveling and life changing events to win me back. I was doing really well with the other furniture maker, but he has his own red flags too. He got clingy and jealous out of no where and has a slew of health problems (just bad luck) for being so young. We have a great time together and I really really like his company. But I’m worried it is turning into more of a friend thing because the lust is fading. (he is too skinny and kind of dorky) I’m spending the weekend with him and I think I will be able to make up my mind about him then. Remember that whole feeling of " stay with me forever, I want to be yours and only yours" while fucking that I have felt before? Well, I think two guys have felt it with me while wearing [P74](https://a314.com/product/p74/), p78 and enone. This is my favorite sex mix and I sometimes switch out the p96 for p74. But I wear it every time I have sex. I have been wearing it out ever since I got all that attention from boys (omg; I’ve turned into that person that can’t leave the house without products! or go on vacation! I hate you!) So there are two new guys in the mix, The Engineer and The BoyToy. The Boytoy is so hot- tall, built, great package, really fun to be with, super sweet, really caring, loving, gentle, he’s perfect except he is just not very smart. He’s young but he never finished college and is finally going back (I try not to be judgey about this but I can’t help it! I worked so hard! You can absolutely be smart without a degree, he’s just not one of those people) The first time we had sex, he kept saying “I want to stay inside of you forever” and then he turned it into “this is only mine” The second time we had sex, he asked me more about my ethnic background and slipped “That’s why I love you so much” Then we go out of town together (omg it was fucking pulling teeth to get someone to leave town in the middle of the week, but I had a really nice hotel suite to see a concert and I needed to celebrate the end of the year/beginning of my career) and he starts calling me Mrs His Last Name. (also- I’m fucking Dr. My Last Name bitch and that’s never changing) There have been absolutely NO gray areas- he knows I’m seeing other people, he knows how I feel about commitment (I need time to feel comfortable with that), we both don’t want any children, and I can’t see a future with him because he can’t support me. His counter argument is that it won’t be like that forever- I’m supposed to wait around 4 years for a “chance/risk/gamble” that he’ll be successful? You cray. So over the course of our mid-week getaway- he tells me he loves me. That it would hurt him if he saw me with someone else, that he respects my decision to be with other people and he knows it is fair, but he can’t stop himself from feeling that way. (he’s also seeing other people) I laugh at all this because I can’t take it seriously- he’s known me a month he can’t possibly LOVE me. He may have strong feelings for me, we can love each other, but not be in love? True feelings are built on TIME. Devotion. I feel strongly about that- and if you disagree- by all means please discuss. The Engineer- is perfect. He is successful, creative, artistic, kind, intelligent, funny, thoughtful, sexy, into me, but he has his fair share of red flags. He is holding on to his ex’s issues of fearing to trust women, and thinking that we are just trying to steal men’s money and break their hearts. It makes him come off as stingy, not willing to share, untrustworthy, bitter, heartless, and “tit for tat” kind of person. I get that he is a math minded person, but love does not keep score. Sometimes, one person is more "there’ for the other, and then it flip flops. I believe in equality, but relationships are a give and take- it’s not always going to be down the middle every time. In the end, it balances out and if you don’t have faith in that- then you don’t have faith in the love that you share. PERIOD. He is a reserved person and I haven’t seen him fall victim to my sprays. I have seen other people tell me how gorgeous I am and how breath taking I look when I am with him- but he has not said these words himself. He gets kind of shy when he looks at me and does a little body wiggle dance- that I finally asked what his little body quirk is about- and he said its a nervous habit. It’s definitely odd and kind of adorable in a weird way. We have done some really sweet boyfriend/girlfriend stuff together- like attend my best friends birthday party, celebrate his, watch the NBA finals, go for a drive in the country, go to the weekly town outdoor concert, the pride festival, the late night 24 hour post-drunk bar diner, (basically public outing things that I wouldn’t normally do with a guy unless I didn’t mind being seen with him) Him and I have a really great open line of communication and it’s been very freeing to discuss almost anything. Our sexual chemistry is okay- it has its ups and downs. I feel like he and I have all this potential but he is holding back. I think me being gone a month will actually be good for us. The baby wanting ex invited me to an overnight music festival with his whole family. I didn’t realize him and I would have so much chemistry and I don’t think either of us realized we missed each other so much. His family adored me and begged him to consider asking me what it would take to get me to change my mind about having his children. We broke away from everyone, snuck away into our tent and he ripped my clothes off-- I remembered that I had fantasized about him while masturbating a bunch of times. In that tent- he told me he loved me repeatedly. WHAT THE FUCK GUYS. YOU DON’T LOVE ME. YOU LOVE FUCKING ME. ---
**Author:** ![Dee\_A](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7bcc69/32.png) [@Dee\_A](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Dee_A)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2016, 2:56pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/thoughts-from-a-pervert-the-journal/61458/286 "2016-07-07T14:56:58Z")
Wow. You are a real bomb LadySci. 🙂 You never fail to blow me away with your posts. 😃 Witty, Funny, Heavy. Congratulations by the way. Faculty. Wow. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![LadyScientist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c57346/32.png) [@LadyScientist](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/LadyScientist)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2016, 10:08pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/thoughts-from-a-pervert-the-journal/61458/287 "2016-08-22T22:08:21Z")
another one bites the dust… 2 sprays 5 mcg P78 wrist 2 sprays 10 mcg p96 neck 1 spray 250 ng enone elbow As I said before, this sex mix is becoming my ‘‘going out’’ mix. It’s dangerous, I get it, but I love it. Before I leave town, I meet up with two guy friends (both docs) to go to a concert. My new student interns are joining us and I warn the docs not to flirt with the girl interns. That doesn’t stop them. We are in the middle of having a political debate, when I bring up the long history of racism in our country (July was a very heavy month for people of color and even during my vacation, I couldn’t help but shed a few tears) The new doc friend, lets call him, Accent, rudely interrupts me, changes the topic, name-calls me, and ignores my point completely. I call him out on how disrespectful it is and walk away. I sit down at the bar next to this cute singer-songwriter and ask him about his show he played earlier (ballsy, I know). We make conversation, the next thing I know, we are sharing our love for our favorite artists and taking shots. He invites me to his next show, introduces me to his friends, adds me on FB, it goes on. Meanwhile, Accent realizes what an asshole he was, puts 2 and 2 together, and figures out that my point was valid. He comes over to apologize and admit that he was na?ve to my stats and I forgive him. He feels so sheepish, HE GETS DOWN ON ONE KNEE AND BEGS ME TO FORGIVE HIM. Dude, I already forgave you. But he felt like he reeeeaalllly needed to make his point across. I was so fucking embarrassed. Later on, we are mingling, I’m talking to the musicians again, and Accent keeps interrupting to poke my side or say something. The new musician friends notice and ask ‘‘is that guy your boyfriend?’’ I explain that he is just a friend, but they insist that he is totally into me. **This was clearly a game of Alpha.** Would he have felt the need to apologize so vehemently if I didn’t find someone more attractive and cooler to mingle with? Would he have kept interrupting us to make his presence known if there wasn’t more than just jealousy at play here? On my trip overseas, I tried very hard to avoid ‘‘partying.’’ I wanted to spend time in nature, re-find my core, strengthen my will, so that I could come back rejuvenated for the next chapter in my life. I wanted to feel grounded, to reflect on who I have become, what goals I hope to achieve, and focus on what truly makes me happy. I picked to stay in middle of no where places, isolated, and rural to learn to relax, to sit in the sun and read, to just breathe. I quickly discovered that I have a hard time sitting still, I can’t accept the guilt of doing nothing or being unproductive even though I enjoy laziness, I can’t resist social activities, I feed off new experiences, including meeting new people, and will make sure I divide my vacations equally with rural/urban in the future to prevent boredom. So I didn’t have any crazy sexcapades in Europe. However, I did have a funny story where I used Tinder to hitch-hike to a hard to find gorgeous waterfall/hot spring. I wore: 2 sprays 5 mcg P78 wrist 2 sprays 10 mcg p96 neck and a bikini/dress/flip flops. The guy wasn’t unattractive, and we were getting along just fine. He was also stacked like a mother (I saw him change!) but it just wasn’t the purpose of this trip and I didn’t want my memories of this vacation to be about random hook-ups and partying. I wanted it to be about me being one with nature, being humbled by its gorgeous views, and carrying that with me back home. We make out a little in the hot spring, the bathing suits start to come off (literally no one in sight for miles) when of course, this young German bicyclist pops up, ‘‘sorry I hope I’m not interrupting…’’ Now the LS that you all know would have had a flask/joint in my bag, shared with this lone traveler, and probably had a threesome in the hot spring overlooking a waterfall on a gorgeous day. Because he was pretty cute too. But I had a mission damnit! So I finished my beer, got dressed and had Tinderoni drive me back to the horse farm. He pulls into a country road to kiss me good-bye and starts fingering me. We are fully dressed and out of no-where, he reaches to grab his cock, and **straight busts a nut through his pants WITHOUT ME OR HIM EVEN TOUCHING HIS DICK.** I couldn’t stop laughing!! In the same country, I wore the same mix to meet up with some musicians who I know through my friend in NYC who recorded their album. 2 out of 4 of them were really cute, young, but fun, and agreed to let me come to their studio for their band practice and drink after hours. We leave from a bar when the fat ugly one says, ‘’ so there are 4 of us with cars here and we are all going to the same place, the question is who do you want to ride with?‘’ I picked the guy I was hanging out with earlier, partly because he is cooler, but mostly because I already knew him better than the others. Apparently this caused some tension, and it was as if he ‘‘won’’ because I chose him. Everything was going really well at the studio and we were all having a great time. **Then the fat ugly one decides to get super alpha and convince everyone that he is tired and he is the best person to give me a ride home.** Everyone else didn’t seem alarmed and offered to drive me home later so that we could all keep hanging out (and maybe make out ? Hello cuties!) But he just kept insisting and basically broke up the party. He drove me home and we talked about how nice it was of me to be so kind to all of them because a friend of my friends, is family. We get to my hostel, make plans for brunch the next day with the group, and then he says straight up, ‘‘so do you want to fuck now?’’ I WAS SO PISSED. Not only was he not even trying to flirt with me, I gave him NO inclination that I was interested, and he assumed that just because I was hanging out with them, that I would magically want to fuck him? So fucking insulting! It put a sour taste in my mouth and reminded me why I was so careful about avoiding sexcapades overseas in the first place. For whatever reason, I just don’t feel as safe in other countries as I do here. I don’t have the same sense of security, like knowing what to do and how to get out of a dangerous situation. Even things as simple as knowing where you are or what type of transit runs can make a huge difference. The reality is, creeps are everywhere and there is only so much you can do to be prepared and get out of an ugly situation if you ever find yourself in one. Somehow, I feel my chances of survival are better state-side. **I wore P78 and p96 all the time and made a ton of female friends. Women were very respectful towards me, concerned, impressed, and generally warm.** I think this is just what happens as female travelers travel alone, other women tend to gravitate towards them, but it is important to note that it was not a deterrent. Back in boring town USA, I wore 2 sprays 10 mcg P96 to meet some new female professors/scientists for happy hour. I was in my business casual clothes, didn’t do my hair, flats, and light make up. Coincidentally, the bartender was an old crush who gave me a one night stand and then we both dropped the ball. We flirted a bit, the girls pick up on it, but I played pretend like nothing happened ever. Like clockwork, he texted me immediately after, said I had never looked sexier before, that he wished my friends weren’t there so he could be more forward and tell me all the things he wanted to do to me, and then asked me out later than week. Our date was sizzling hot, our chemistry was through the roof, sex was great, but I pissed him off and it ended on a sour note. We are still talking and flirting- but we will see what will come of it. **I’m crushing on another professor hardcore.** We met at a party, made out, and never hung out again. I mentioned it in a message, but he blew me off. I ran into him while I was out with the engineer, and he nearly dropped his pants. We agreed to hang out again sometime and have been playfully drunk messaging, but nothing has happened yet. He is definitely a slut- but I can play that game better than anyone else. I was right about Engineer, time apart brought us closer. He opened up and said some incredibly sweet things to me. As soon as I came back it felt like we were letting each other into our hearts, something we were both hesitant to do. We resumed doing ‘‘couple-y’’ things and acting like one. We were both really happy, we started introducing each other to co-workers and slowly admitting to each other that we have stronger feelings for each other than we care to admit. Then one day, we went on a kayaking trip with some of my friends, and he was a straight jerk to me. Yelled at me, gave me attitude, was short with me, and was just out right mean. I handled it really well, I never snapped back, asked him politely to help him not be frustrated with me, he apologized and I thought we were fine. We slept all day and at brunch the next day, he gave me the same attitude problem. This time I don’t say anything about it, but it shuts me out and makes me quiet. I ask him about it later and he insists it is the same old shit, he is scared to have feelings for me, his ex traumatized him and he doesn’t want to go through it all over again, so he pushes people away and acts distant. **So I asked him if he would rather slow things down, take some time off, or fight through it and be stronger than our fears. He decided we would fight through it.** We had a date lined up that week and he wanted to know if I still wanted to go on it, I agreed to only if he thought he could be nice to me. He agreed to be affectionate and warm. And he tried. But it was pulling teeth- it was like he was going through the motions but his heart wasn’t in it. Every time I tried to ask him about what was going on his life, work, or projects, he would give me this simple answer and not talk to me about anything. **I tried opening up about what was going on in my life- specifically how hard it has been to cut off my biological dad from my life- thinking it would help him connect with me, but nothing.** Not once, has he ever said, ‘‘you look beautiful.’’ He will compliment my necklace, shoes, or my dress (he’s a fashion designer so those don’t really count) but he has never said anything nice about me without me asking him first. There were times in our relationship that he would smack my ass, try to look up my dress, and playfully flirt with me- ways that I knew he was at least into me. **But that has totally stopped since I gave him a toothbrush at my house and we said we would ‘‘fight through our fears of liking each other.’’** I’m not afraid of commitment or real feelings. I just take them seriously and wait to be certain that what I’m feeling is real. It’s scary to like someone a lot- it makes you vulnerable and open to rejection. I’m not saying that it isn’t whirlwind. I’m saying that when I think it’s worth it- I’m brave enough to fight for it. He can’t. And he won’t. That night, I told him it didn’t feel like he was that into me. He insisted it was just his fears holding him back and that he does really like me. I reminded him of all the ways I’m not going to break his heart, and that we are both scared, but we are in it together. **Then he said that there were just too many things about me that reminded him of his ex, particularly my need for attention and my daddy issues.** I just about murdered him. I told him it was bullshit and that the only thing me and her have in common is that we are both girls. Then I stormed out. I blocked him on all social media and apps. I formulated a very polite text and let him go. Don’t you dare diss my dead dad. ''You don’t get to use a deeply personal thing about and turn it against me. My past tragedies don’t define me, my current strength, compassion, and future spirit does. I’m not limited by my fears, I’m empowered by my will to surpass them. You’re the one hiding behind your past. And I’m not going to let your cynicism bring me down. Good luck with all your future endeavors. I hope that you find the help and peace you need to cope.‘’ But I wasn’t done. I kept crying and thinking about my real dad, missing him, and knowing what he would have wanted me to do and say. Which is to stand up for him, my family, and myself. So I had to write again: ''For the record, just because my biological dad sucks, it doesn’t mean I have ‘‘daddy issues.’’ The man who raised me, my real father, loved me more than anything, we were each other’s favorite people in the world, and even though his death haunts me everyday, I keep his love beside me in everything that I do. I know what it feels like to be chosen, to be wanted, to be fought for, and he made sure on his dying day that I knew my worth. So no, I don’t need attention, I deserve it. I was surrounded by incredible, intelligent, hard-working, loving role models who raised me to be someone they are absolutely proud of. No one left me, no one deserted me, I was loved, cherished, and adored. Can you say the same thing?‘’ ---
**Author:** ![Dee\_A](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7bcc69/32.png) [@Dee\_A](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Dee_A)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2016, 6:29am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/thoughts-from-a-pervert-the-journal/61458/288 "2016-08-23T06:29:56Z")
Good move, LS. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Conjurator](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/conjurator/32/410_2.png) [@Conjurator](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Conjurator)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2016, 2:11pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/thoughts-from-a-pervert-the-journal/61458/289 "2016-08-23T14:11:36Z")
Great report as always 🙂. And awesome reply to that idiot! ---
**Author:** ![LadyScientist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c57346/32.png) [@LadyScientist](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/LadyScientist)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2016, 4:27pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/thoughts-from-a-pervert-the-journal/61458/290 "2016-08-23T16:27:16Z")
Thanks guys- it’s been radio silence on his part. I hope he has tucked his tail and realized what a low blow that was. ---
**Author:** ![justintime469](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/justintime469/32/1402_2.png) [@justintime469](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/justintime469)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2016, 12:14am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/thoughts-from-a-pervert-the-journal/61458/291 "2016-08-25T00:14:34Z")
I agree with the others on that guy. We all have issues and he if he is going to let whatever happened to him ruin the rest of his life that is sad. I also commend you for not stooping to his level when he brought up things in your life as I probably would have went off on him about his issues. But just stooping to someone’s level does nothing and nothing gets resolved. Great work!!! Also on a side note I fell out of my chair laughing when I read the part about the guy busting a nut without you touching him. Did it go something like this? [![](https://us1.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/uploads/pheromonetalk/original/2X/c/c821cac615af654e45fa711385d22696ca3e7d36.jpeg "Blankman's First Kiss") ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U4vMhCCCN_M) ---
**Author:** ![LadyScientist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c57346/32.png) [@LadyScientist](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/LadyScientist)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2016, 1:47am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/thoughts-from-a-pervert-the-journal/61458/292 "2016-09-19T01:47:29Z")
I think I found a winner! Online date 1 No products Jean sleeve-less dress flip flops I realized that I hadn’t had any ‘‘control’’ nights where I compared men’s behavior without products in a while (so addicted!!) so I decided to go raw. I was meeting a guy I met online at my house for dinner/drinks and maybe go to a movie (hadn’t decided). He’s a tall 34 year old white guy who moved from CA. We had been talking on the phone for hours all week, trading naughty photos, having stimulating conversations about philosophy, sharing childhood stories, etc. Both of us were really excited to meet. He tells me how attractive I am and how cool he thinks I am, etc. He comes over and he is way more attractive in real life than I had imagined, and maybe this makes me a little nervous. I’ve lost a bit of confidence recently as I haven’t been working out regularly (why is it that my gym hours are the first to get cut when work hours get longer?!) He refuses any alcohol, refuses party favors, we sit down to chat, I’m playing chill music tunes in the background, and there is good conversation, and eye contact, but NO FLIRTING. The guy doesn’t make a move at all. I try subtle ways of touching him, but he quickly mentions how he isn’t feeling well and is probably going to have to leave soon. WHAT THE FUCK. He stays for about an hour and half, gives me a polite ‘‘maybe we will have to catch drinks later sometime?’’ and barely hugs me good-bye. LADY S’S FIRST FLAT OUT REJECTION IN FOREVER. I know, I am speechless too. I ran to the mirror and checked my teeth- nope nothing. Smelled my pits- nothing. Looked in the mirror again- dress looked banging. I honestly have no idea how I blew it. Theories: 1. No real life chemistry (hard for me to believe, photos represent me and phone conversations mimic real life pretty well) 2. The stew I was slow-cooking on the stove was too aromatic and off-putting. 3. I talked too much about my advancing career making him insecure about the lack of his. 4. He just didn’t like me and changed his mind about me. This fucks with my head for a while because let’s face it, rejection sucks. But it’s even more of a mind fuck when someone ACTS like they are into your looks and personality but then decide they don’t- what was so annoying about me? What was his red flag? I would kill to know but I never will. Online date 2 No products Navy blue strappy flowy dress bright pink Toms This is a 27 year old tall white guy I’ve been talking to on the phone a lot. He is super into me physically and emotionally. He just re-started a grad program so his stress level is through the roof. I meet him and his friends at their house for beers. The conversation is political and I’m into it. He is a total gentleman and I love it. We walk to a bar and he is protective and charming. We have a ton of fun together and he wants me to go home with him. In his bed he talks to me about how he doesn’t know how to have physical relations, he usually goes right into a dating relationship, etc etc. This kinda freaks me out so I warn him about us not getting physical. We get a little intimate in between moments of deep emotional connections and conversations. He squeezes me the whole night and never wants me to go. We stay up the whole night until I finally have to leave for work. That week we barely talk- but there is some mild flirting. I rarely hear from him and question him about it. He confesses he is having a meltdown about his program because he may get kicked out because of his grades. I try to be as supportive as I can, I’ve been there before, I get it. But I feel more of his distance and question his interest in me. He swears repeatedly that it is not because he doesn’t like me, that his program just takes priority. I just refuse to believe this. If you want someone, then you want someone. He may be telling the truth- but guys make up excuses all the time instead of just saying they don’t like someone. I don’t know why it’s so hard to just say you’re not interested. I tell him I’m moving on, he tells me he wishes I would understand, and that’s that. \*key points: less physical affection, less verbal affirmation without products to almost none (serious restraint or doesn’t exist?) Girl date 1: pencil skirt, tank top, cardigan, snake skin pumps 2 sprays 5 mcg P78 wrist 2 sprays 5 mcg P96 back of neck We go to a Tapas/wine place after having a bottle of prosecco on a patio to celebrate both of us starting our new jobs and new paychecks. A man at the bar catches my attention, so I try to get his when I walk by him. It works. We are sitting outside and I casually glance at him a few times; we make eyes. I convince my girlfriend to move to the bar with me so I can make conversation with him. It takes all of two seconds for him to start talking to me. The bar is closing down and he and his buddy are going to one across the street. He invites me. The gf wants to go home, I meet the guy down the street. We have a drink and then go back to my house. We make out but I’m too drunk to fuck and for whatever reason I decide his dick isn’t big enough. So he stays over and we exchange numbers. We flirt all week- he goes out of town. A week later, same phero combo as above, I’m drinking margaritas with my gf on a patio, she calls her boy to come meet her so I call him. He shows up, orders expensive shots and puts it on MY TAB. (I don’t find out about this until later but this is an unforgivable offense- he has his own job and money, not a starving student by any means). He walks in on me in the bathroom and we fuck in the stall. My gf comes to check on me, and we have to quietly tell her I’m ok (luckily the doors of the bathroom stalls went all the way down so she couldn’t see FOUR lets in there!) We go home together, he drives a fast car (why is this such an easy way to turn me on??) He puts on a cock ring to make his cock harder/bigger and we fuck a few more times. It’s nothing to write home about. He has a nice body- what’s the point of working so hard and having your own job if you’re going to make ME pay for your shit!! FIRED. Girl Date 2: 2 sprays 5 mcg P78 wrists 2 sprays 5 mcg p96 back of neck 1 spray 250 ng enone behind ears Same strappy navy blue dress and flats My girlfriend invited me to lunch/beers and mentioned her guy friend was coming along. Little did I know he would be so cute. He had the option of sitting next to her or me and chose to sit next to me. We all bonded and laughed all day. I picked up on his attraction to me but quickly squashed it because they had history years ago. There were multiple things I liked about him, his humor, success, intelligence, family values, creativity, I felt such a strong pull towards him. When we walked each other to our cars, he asked if it was ok to hug me and we hugged. Later, I considered adding him on facebook but didn’t want to cross any boundaries with my gf, so decided against it. Later, she messaged me and said he was looking for people to go to the football game with him and wanted to know if I would go with him. She gave me his number and we made plans. Thank god he asked first because I wasn’t about to! Same combo as above: plus 3 sprays of 5 mcg p74. cleavage The whole day at the game we got stuck in deep conversation and got really close to each other while making each other laugh. That pull towards him was so strong and so hard to resist. He is in a tough place in his life where he is not dating anyone until he feels he is emotionally ready for the ‘‘one’’ since he really wants to have a family and the ‘‘girl next door.’’ He knows I don’t want kids but we talked about how incredible adoption is and how few guys could love someone that isn’t blood but he feels like he could. That made me wonder if he was considering me? There were some points during the game when he made me laugh so hard I just wanted to put my head on his shoulder and I finally did. Or if he was showing me something on his phone I would just rest my head over his shoulder. I just needed something touching him. I eventually let my leg rest against him. Every time the fireworks went off I grabbed his arm and squealed about how cool they were and he just smiled at me like I was the biggest dork in the world. Then we went to for drinks after, his friend sat in the front seat, I took the back seat, and insisted that he didn’t have to move a bunch of boxes out of the way, that I could fit. He wasn’t going to let me, he moved every single box in to the trunk to make me comfortable. What a gentleman. At dinner, the kids thing comes back up again and his friend says, ‘‘Well, then LadyS is out!’’ but him and I just look at each other and talk about adopting a refugee again. He goes on to explain how online dating is backwards and how when there is chemistry in real life, you can get to know someone the ‘‘real’’ way- using ME as an example. He mentioned how we met at lunch, talked throughout the day, then set up another time to hang out separately, and are continuing to get to know each other this way. WAIT A MINUTE. IF this is a date and you’re interested in me this is NEWS TO ME! We then talk about how relationships are a luxury not a necessity, people shouldn’t fill voids or complete you by making you happy, you should be satisfied with your life PRIOR to meeting someone. The more I spoke about this, about wanting my equal, the more he agreed with me and the more we saw eye-to-eye on everything. He was basically saying he wanted someone like me, that he wanted a partnership, and that he wished more people thought like me. We drove back to his house, I met his dogs, toured his house, looked at some of his photography, and I ended up giving him a neck massage. I don’t know what possessed me to do this, I was leaning over him while he was showing me photos on his computer and it just naturally happened. It was that whole me not being able to resist touching him. I so badly wanted to just say, ‘‘ok we obviously are interested in each other but we can’t be anything, so let’s just be friends or fuck..’’ but I resisted. Thank god. He drove me downtown to meet up with my friends… there is something about the way he looks into my eyes like he is thinking something naughty but won’t say it. I hugged him good night and gave him a kiss on the cheek. It’s so funny how I can do that with all my other guy friends so casually but when there’s chemistry, all of a sudden, it’s such a big deal. Online date 3 During this entire football game fiasco story detailed above, I was messaging this guy that I stalked online because he was so hot on instagram. I don’t know what gave me the courage to do this but I did. We exchanged numbers and tried to meet up the entire day but never crossed paths. Eventually, at the end of the night both of us were taking care of our drunk friends and happened to be across the street from each other and met up. We threw our friends in cabs and went for a long walk through the park. I LOVE walking on warm nights. I was completely blown away that this drop-dead gorgeous man was also well-spoken, cultured, well-traveled, artistic, athletic, intelligent, and could speak multiple languages. JAW DROP. We agreed on so many lifestyle philosophies/values and shared stories, I was in such bliss I could barely hold his eye contact keeping this dream state alive. We found a bench under a huge tree to sit under and just stared up at the stars talking and holding hands. The more he spoke, the more I fell for him and the more I spoke, the more he fell for me. We were so wrapped up in each other that we eventually moved closer and closer until our lips were right next to each other… we held onto each other’s breath’s still not placing our lips onto each others, but feeling the pressure of the proximity of our faces… the moment felt like an eternity— and I don’t know at what point our lips eventually touched but in slow motion we were wrapped in a kiss that lasted forever. He pulled me on top of him and we got lost in a moment… we felt ourselves get carried away… checking in with each other-- ‘‘are we sure?’’ Hungry for each other- we agreed we were certain we wanted each other right at that second and not a second longer…it was the most powerful intimate sex I’ve ever had. He drove me home and he came inside for a bit. We looked at my art, fucked in front of my mirror, laid in bed and stayed up until 7 in the morning talking in each others arms. Before he left, we hugged, he kissed my forehead, took a deep inhale and said, ‘‘I feel so high on life right now..’’ We agreed we would see more of each other and all day I worried I wouldn’t hear from him. But just an hour ago, he blew me up… all is right in the world. Fingers crossed I get to keep this one. Please please please please please. ---
**Author:** ![LadyScientist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c57346/32.png) [@LadyScientist](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/LadyScientist)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2016, 2:00am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/thoughts-from-a-pervert-the-journal/61458/293 "2016-09-19T02:00:29Z")
Ugh just re-read this post and realized all this lovey-dovey shit is ths [P74](https://a314.com/product/p74/)!! That’s why I never use this shit- it works more on me and not on them! ---
**Author:** ![Dee\_A](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7bcc69/32.png) [@Dee\_A](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Dee_A)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2016, 4:22am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/thoughts-from-a-pervert-the-journal/61458/294 "2016-09-19T04:22:27Z")
The guy who rejected you is officially gay. 😃 It’s just so not right if he’s straight. ---
**Author:** ![brasileira](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/5f9b8f/32.png) [@brasileira](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/brasileira)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2016, 9:36am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/thoughts-from-a-pervert-the-journal/61458/295 "2016-09-19T09:36:31Z")
P78 + P96 + [P74](https://pheromonelabs.com/product/p74/) is definitely one dangerous combo! Fingers crossed for you already… 😉 ---
**Author:** ![LadyScientist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c57346/32.png) [@LadyScientist](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/LadyScientist)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2016, 6:05pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/thoughts-from-a-pervert-the-journal/61458/296 "2016-09-19T18:05:12Z")
Thanks for your support! Dee: I love that you have so much faith in my attraction skills! Brasileira: the p74! I don’t know how you did it your whole vacation? I’m terrified of it- it makes me weepy and pathetic and lovesick. I can relate to girls so much more when I use it- making sex so emotional/intimate and waiting by the phone for him to call. WHO AM I? every time- without fail. This 74 business fucks with me. HARD. The hyper “78” you all have mentioned- I have yet to experience- maybe bc it goes straight to my groin and not my head. ---
**Author:** ![brasileira](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/5f9b8f/32.png) [@brasileira](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/brasileira)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2016, 8:16pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/thoughts-from-a-pervert-the-journal/61458/297 "2016-09-19T20:16:10Z")
> [@LadyScientist](#): > > Brasileira: the p74! I don’t know how you did it your whole vacation? I’m terrified of it- it makes me weepy and pathetic and lovesick. I can relate to girls so much more when I use it- making sex so emotional/intimate and waiting by the phone for him to call. WHO AM I? every time- without fail. This 74 business fucks with me. HARD. Actually since I read your report I couldn’t stop thinking about the many different reactions that the same molecule can get from different people. For example, I am almost immune to the [P74](https://pheromonelabs.com/product/p74/). The self-effects I get from it are very very subtle and I believe it takes me several exposures to notice something. P96 on another hand, hits me fast and strong and makes me feel exactly the way you feel with P74. ---
**Author:** ![LadyScientist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c57346/32.png) [@LadyScientist](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/LadyScientist)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2016, 2:33am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/thoughts-from-a-pervert-the-journal/61458/298 "2016-10-12T02:33:26Z")
another broken heart… I just can’t win. so this amazing perfect man I fell for under a tree at the last post… well I went over to his house two weeks ago: 2 sprays 5 mcg P78 wrist 2 sprays 5 mcg p96 neck 2 sprays 5 mcg p74 cleavage It was incredible and perfect in every way. I couldn’t have fantasized a sexier dreamier night. From the moment I walked in, to the way he lifted my chin, to the way we kissed, to the way he picked up me and carried me to the bed, to the way our clothes kept coming on and off, the way we drank tea on the balcony, the way we snuggled on the couch, to the way he walked me out and made sure I got home safely. We talked and connected. I felt something real. That week we texted a few times. He started getting slower in his responses. We went from talking almost every night to talking 2-3 times a week. He hadn’t asked me out again yet. We made plans to meet up at an event on Saturday (2 weeks after magical romantic night). He had friends in town and I was going to be there with a big group. We said we would both get there around noon the night before, we texted the morning of saying when we were leaving, I texted when I got there, called- no answer. An hour later, I see him 20 feet away from me with some hot girl. They are not touching but it looks flirty? How does one look flirty? I don’t want to salt his game so I don’t approach him. I call him out on seeing him, he panics “where are you???” I tell him exactly where I am, ask him if he’s going to come over there, and he says that he just walked through where I was, couldn’t find me, and since he is with “like 5 other people” they all want to go back to the car until the next event. So… There was no time to try to meet me later? or call me again? or apologize the next two days for not meeting up with me? FUCKING JERK. I SEE RIGHT THROUGH THIS BULLSHIT. I NEVER GET TO KEEP THE GOOD ONES. and really- he isn’t a fucking good one if he’s too fucking stupid to BRING ANOTHER GIRL TO AN EVENT HE IS SUPPOSED TO MEET ME AT. Like it isn’t MORE OBVIOUS THAT YOU DON’T BOTHER INTRODUCING US. I wouldn’t have been suspicious at all if he had just come by and said hi, but noooooo… LIE ABOUT IT. 5 people? I counted 3, 2 girls and a guy. LOSER. I blocked him on social media and wrote this way too nice of rejection: “I have to admit, I’ve lost some respect for you the way you’ve been blowing me off recently. I don’t have to be your girlfriend to be treated with decency and open communication. I thought we had a strong connection, but I seem to have over-placed your sense of character. Maybe you’re just not at the level of selflessness and intellect I had hoped you’d be. Good luck with your studies, I hope you make some good friends here.” This way he can’t call “crazy jealous high maintenance” whiny bitch on me. I gave him space to write to me first because I know he is busy, and I know it’s difficult to entertain guests from out of town- but seriously don’t say you’re going to meet me, then be right next to me, and not even try. I gave him 3 days of silence after that to apologize, and nothing. I cried about it so hard. I really wanted that one to work. I partied like an animal, had a million guys trying to hit on me, and woke up still feeling like shit and wishing he would just like me back. So, looks like I’ll be asking out the cute/tall dorky chemical engineer in my metal studio this week. ---
**Author:** ![Jdub](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/jdub/32/1399_2.png) [@Jdub](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Jdub)\ **Post date:** [October 13, 2016, 3:07pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/thoughts-from-a-pervert-the-journal/61458/299 "2016-10-13T15:07:46Z")
Wow very interesting LadyScientist, by the way, I like the text you sent him. Very effective and to the point, yet not rude or crazy. Beautifully done. I’ve been finding that I have similar happenings to this one you just had. I oftentimes find myself in a great moment as you and he did. Everything will be perfect, the foreplay, the kissing, holding, and touching, the conversation, etc. but then later in the week they seem to be totally different. And my theory is, that’s because they are. See when I was with them they were greatly influenced by my mix so what we had was only in the moment, once I’m gone, it only becomes a memory. I’ve had girls make some CRAZY promises to me while having sex while wearing mones, even directly after sex - that they didn’t follow through on. For example, This one gal who was just someone I’d see for some late night fun told me I should hit her up to hang out during the week and we should do stuff, she said it would be her treat and she pay for everything, etc. But then a few days later or so I hit her up and it is as if she had never even said that. These types of things have been happening with many women. I’m starting to lean towards the idea that some sort of fallout needs to be accompanied in these mixes, perhaps ALL mixes, so people will be consistent with what they say. ---
**Author:** ![LadyScientist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c57346/32.png) [@LadyScientist](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/LadyScientist)\ **Post date:** [October 13, 2016, 4:03pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/thoughts-from-a-pervert-the-journal/61458/300 "2016-10-13T16:03:52Z")
Thank you so much for saying that- I’ve been feeling so guilty that I over-reacted and didn’t give him a chance to explain. No one I’ve spoken to agrees- they think I did the right thing. But last night I read through all our messages and I just felt so much love and support- I just don’t want to believe he acted maliciously. If he felt I was wrong- he could try to disagree but he hasn’t tried to respond. And maybe in his head we didn’t make concrete plans so he didn’t have anything to apologize for? But I just feel like he isn’t that into me if he isn’t fighting for me if he felt I really wronged him… I just don’t know- I really fell for the guy and I know I run when I get scared- did I do that this time? Or was this warranted? ---
**Author:** ![justintime469](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/justintime469/32/1402_2.png) [@justintime469](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/justintime469)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2016, 11:42am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/thoughts-from-a-pervert-the-journal/61458/301 "2016-10-14T11:42:37Z")
I feel bad he let you down and many of times in my life I have had this very same thing happen you and Jdub describe. I have found through the years that when things are intense and seem perfect and the sex is great and all it only lasts a few times after the initial sex stage and like they move on. Men and women both do this and why I do not know. It is like the game is over to them and they are a predator and on to the next one, I do not know why it is like this. The best policy is honesty and apparently is very hard for some. On the flip side I am now married and I can not seem to keep very many women as friends because they always want something more including even my wife’s friends. It is like they want something they can not have and again like a game and guarantee if I was to do something with them it would only last a few times and for sure it would end in a divorce, I just don’t get it. [Previous page](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/thoughts-from-a-pervert-the-journal/61458.md?page=14) [Next page](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/thoughts-from-a-pervert-the-journal/61458.md?page=16)