# Why the phrase "be more confident" by itself is bad advice **URL:** \ **Category:** Lounge\ **Created:** [April 16, 2009, 3:42pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/why-the-phrase-be-more-confident-by-itself-is-bad-advice/28108 "2009-04-16T15:42:46Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![JohnnyPaper](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/johnnypaper/32/338_2.png) [@JohnnyPaper](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/JohnnyPaper)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2009, 9:25pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/why-the-phrase-be-more-confident-by-itself-is-bad-advice/28108/82 "2009-04-20T21:25:59Z")
So here’s just a question, and I dunno how everyone would think about it… If you were to speed date say 10 members of the opposite sex through a wall where you could not see but just talk and rate those persons from 1st to worst by your standards of what you wanted in a person to date an the opposite’s responses, once that person that you picked was unveiled and you saw who you would be dating, do you not think your opinion may or may not change SOLELY on looks? Call me a low-IQ, moronic, judgemental, terrible looking, no sex-getting, and whatever else fool, but I’m sure mine would. I do understand looks fade with time, but looks are a huge part of initial attraction, and IMO important in a relationship as well as personality and other things once an initial attraction is created. ---
**Author:** ![Lor](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/lor/32/759_2.png) [@Lor](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Lor)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2009, 4:23am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/why-the-phrase-be-more-confident-by-itself-is-bad-advice/28108/83 "2009-04-21T04:23:47Z")
> [@Robbie](#): > > How is a neg rep totally respectful? 🙄 well its definatly the right thing to take responsibility for having done it, _which he did_ i believe. people react when they feel attacked would be my only comment there. sometimes words like > [@](#): > > he is also _making crap up_ to fit his arguments such as his minimum base line whatever, _feel_ like attacking. ---
**Author:** ![TheAttractor](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/theattractor/32/575_2.png) [@TheAttractor](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/TheAttractor)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2009, 4:41am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/why-the-phrase-be-more-confident-by-itself-is-bad-advice/28108/84 "2009-04-21T04:41:00Z")
Lor is right. When I realized that I shouldn’t have done the neg rep, I said I was sorry. If admitting one’s mistake and saying sorry isn’t respectful, I don’t know what is. Accusing me of “making up crap” when I was simply describing my outlook on things, well, you decide. We’ve all done things in the heat of the moment, even if it’s on a special interest forum. It’s human nature. But the purpose of this forum is to harness the best part of nature (referring to pheromones) to serve our needs as a civilized society, not function as a venting board against each other. The “baseline level” concept was just another way of saying “keeping things in perspective regardless of what happens”. In other words, don’t get super-excited when a girl makes out with you, and don’t beat yourself up when you get rejected. Keep a positive attitude (yes, I actually said that), and don’t allow individual incidents to throw you into extreme highs and lows. ---
**Author:** ![Gegogi](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/gegogi/32/1536_2.png) [@Gegogi](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Gegogi)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2009, 8:32am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/why-the-phrase-be-more-confident-by-itself-is-bad-advice/28108/85 "2009-04-21T08:32:05Z")
> [@JohnnyPaper](#): > > So here’s just a question, and I dunno how everyone would think about it… > > If you were to speed date say 10 members of the opposite sex through a wall where you could not see but just talk and rate those persons from 1st to worst by your standards of what you wanted in a person to date an the opposite’s responses, once that person that you picked was unveiled and you saw who you would be dating, do you not think your opinion may or may not change SOLELY on looks? > > Call me a low-IQ, moronic, judgemental, terrible looking, no sex-getting, and whatever else fool, but I’m sure mine would. I do understand looks fade with time, but looks are a huge part of initial attraction, and IMO important in a relationship as well as personality and other things once an initial attraction is created. So this helps you feel more confident? Cool. I use my daddy’s old Colt to nail mail boxes 'n street signs while driving ‘round drinking Mickey’s. Feel like a freakin’ pimp daddy-o! ---
**Author:** ![magicj76](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/magicj76/32/1858_2.png) [@magicj76](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/magicj76)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2009, 12:18pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/why-the-phrase-be-more-confident-by-itself-is-bad-advice/28108/86 "2009-04-21T12:18:15Z")
confidence, good experience, bad experience… all that is so subjective… Being confident in stupidity will lead to bad experience. And with intelligence, a bad experience can be reversed into a good one. NLP is such a great tool. Describing situations in which one feels well and others in which one feels bad in order to know WHY they’re good or bad… isn’t that a aprt of what NLP does ? Being AWARE, being able to observein order to turn anything into something good, whether it’s supposedly a “bad” experience… IMO this is what makes success and fullfillment. “Search for, find and take the good which relies in every thing and use it”. Being confident is not acting confident. Being confident is having confidence in what we’re doing, whatever it is as far as it respects others. Not just “looking like an alpha guy even if you’re not one”. To me it’s deeper and more authentic than just “doing the same as an alpha male in order to better understand them and become one”, which is not so bad, but not so best after all. So “be more confident” can mean “look more alpha and more a stereotypical man” or “believe in what you do, find the good in what you do, be more curious, observe yourself and others and learn”. Just a point of view. ---
**Author:** ![xev](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/xev/32/1993_2.png) [@xev](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/xev)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2009, 1:21pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/why-the-phrase-be-more-confident-by-itself-is-bad-advice/28108/87 "2009-04-21T13:21:24Z")
> [@Lor](#): > > well its definatly the right thing to take responsibility for having done it, > _which he did_ > i believe. > > people react when they feel attacked would be my only comment there. > > sometimes words like > > _feel_ like attacking. He did apologize for the neg, which is good, but I think that the fact that he did it in the first place says something about him on a deeper and more general level. Has that changed? No way to know, but the rest of the thread doesn’t provide much evidence of it. I also have a problem with him editing the title of the thread (and his original post, which was posted 4 days ago but edited less 22 hrs ago), which seems like an attempt to make himself look better, at the expense of everyone else who has replied to and disagreed with him, since the replies were to his original words and thread title; no one else has gone back after the fact and tweaked their words. ---
**Author:** ![renny](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/renny/32/2104_2.png) [@renny](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/renny)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2009, 2:10pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/why-the-phrase-be-more-confident-by-itself-is-bad-advice/28108/88 "2009-04-21T14:10:16Z")
> [@JohnnyPaper](#): > > So here’s just a question, and I dunno how everyone would think about it… > > If you were to speed date say 10 members of the opposite sex through a wall where you could not see but just talk and rate those persons from 1st to worst by your standards of what you wanted in a person to date an the opposite’s responses, once that person that you picked was unveiled and you saw who you would be dating, do you not think your opinion may or may not change SOLELY on looks? > > Call me a low-IQ, moronic, judgemental, terrible looking, no sex-getting, and whatever else fool, but I’m sure mine would. I do understand looks fade with time, but looks are a huge part of initial attraction, and IMO important in a relationship as well as personality and other things once an initial attraction is created. That would be a great thing to study. I wonder if it’s been done. My guess is that that there would be at least as much change in how people rated the others looks based on their answers as there would be change in how people rated the answers based on looks. I think that the reason we put so much emphasis on looks is simply that is usually our very first impression. The mind is very elastic. Change the first impression and it will change everything that follows. ---
**Author:** ![Lor](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/lor/32/759_2.png) [@Lor](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Lor)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2009, 4:13pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/why-the-phrase-be-more-confident-by-itself-is-bad-advice/28108/89 "2009-04-21T16:13:58Z")
wow , it doesnt look like he CAN do the right thing here, _because no one else here makes mistakes enough to HAVE to remedy them._ hmmmmm… guess we should pay better attention to _EVERYONES_ post and make sure there are no hypocrites in this here forum 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Lor](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/lor/32/759_2.png) [@Lor](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Lor)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2009, 4:15pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/why-the-phrase-be-more-confident-by-itself-is-bad-advice/28108/90 "2009-04-21T16:15:12Z")
> [@xev](#): > > He did apologize for the neg, which is good, but I think that the fact that he did it in the first place says something about him on a deeper and more general level. Has that changed? No way to know, but the rest of the thread doesn’t provide much evidence of it. > > I also have a problem with him editing the title of the thread (and his original post, which was posted 4 days ago but edited less 22 hrs ago), which seems like an attempt to make himself look better, at the expense of everyone else who has replied to and disagreed with him, since the replies were to his original words and thread title; no one else has gone back after the fact and tweaked their words. your right. its easier to just believe the worst about a person 😉 ---
**Author:** ![SteveO](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/87869e/32.png) [@SteveO](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/SteveO)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2009, 4:16pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/why-the-phrase-be-more-confident-by-itself-is-bad-advice/28108/91 "2009-04-21T16:16:39Z")
Good news everyone: I love you all 🙂 And I love it that we can post our opinions on [PheromoneTalk.com](http://PheromoneTalk.com). The reason I believed, and still do, that this thread is great is that it allows us to discuss our views on what we believe confidence to be. I remember the first time reading Steven Coveys “7 Habits of Highly Effective People” and almost nearly the very first chapter I myself had an amazing paradigm shift. When Covey was counseling someone on love his eloquent definition floored me. He simply used the definition of love as a verb. > [@](#): > > [love definition | Dictionary.com](http://dictionary.reference.com/dic?q=love&search=search) > –verb (used with object) 15. to have love or affection for: All her pupils love her. 16. to have a profoundly tender, passionate affection for (another person). 17. to have a strong liking for; take great pleasure in: to love music. 18. to need or require; benefit greatly from: Plants love sunlight. 19. to embrace and kiss (someone), as a lover. 20. to have sexual intercourse with. So with that, IMHO, to first be able to come to a “side” the proverbial line in the sand, one must first have a true grasp of what confidence is. Again I cite the dictionary: > [@](#): > > [confidence definition | Dictionary.com](http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/confidence) > –noun 1. full trust; belief in the powers, trustworthiness, or reliability of a person or thing: We have every confidence in their ability to succeed. 2. belief in oneself and one’s powers or abilities; self-confidence; self-reliance; assurance: His lack of confidence defeated him. 3. certitude; assurance: He described the situation with such confidence that the audience believed him completely. 4. a confidential communication: to exchange confidences. 5. (esp. in European politics) the wish to retain an incumbent government in office, as shown by a vote in a particular issue: a vote of confidence. 6. presumption; impudence: Her disdainful look crushed the confidence of the brash young man. 7. Archaic. something that gives confidence; ground of trust. I think it is also important to define the synonyms because it further defines confidence as trust in oneself > [@](#): > > Synonyms: > > 1. faith, reliance, dependence. See [trust.](http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=trust&db=luna) 2. Confidence, assurance both imply a faith in oneself. Confidence may imply trust in oneself or arrogant self-conceit. Assurance implies even more sureness of oneself; this may be shown as undisturbed calm or as offensive boastfulness. It’s not my position to take up sides here, only to point out the most basic concept of what confidence is as defined by a dictionary. Confidence my friends, is a noun. ---
**Author:** ![Gegogi](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/gegogi/32/1536_2.png) [@Gegogi](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Gegogi)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2009, 6:01pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/why-the-phrase-be-more-confident-by-itself-is-bad-advice/28108/92 "2009-04-21T18:01:46Z")
> [@](#): > > Lor writes, “guess we should pay better attention to EVERYONES post and make sure there are no hypocrites in this here forum” Hey I’m a friggen hypocrite ‘n lovin’ it! ---
**Author:** ![Robbie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2acd7d/32.png) [@Robbie](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Robbie)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2009, 7:32pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/why-the-phrase-be-more-confident-by-itself-is-bad-advice/28108/93 "2009-04-21T19:32:57Z")
I haveta ask… is garamon Lor’s personal Mini-Me? Click on g[aramon’s](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Garamon)link in the **Thanks** below Lor’s posts in this thread (Edit: added direct link to profile). Look at those stats in the profile. ZERO posts… 252 Thanks. Most being to Lor, or whoever Lor _reps_. Go to Lor’s Journal… look at all the thanked posts… Check out garamon’s friends section. (Edit: in the 20 minutes since I first made this post, Diane 999 has been added as a _second_ friend suddenly, after all this time. Before 20 minutes ago, garamon’s _only_ friend was Lor) That is _ **truly bizarre behavior.** _ _Somebody here knows something about that…_ And now, back to the thread… ---
**Author:** ![SteveO](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/87869e/32.png) [@SteveO](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/SteveO)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2009, 7:40pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/why-the-phrase-be-more-confident-by-itself-is-bad-advice/28108/94 "2009-04-21T19:40:44Z")
> [@Gegogi](#): > > Hey I’m a friggen hypocrite ‘n lovin’ it! I can always depend on you to make me LOL. Thanks 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Robbie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2acd7d/32.png) [@Robbie](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Robbie)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2009, 10:08pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/why-the-phrase-be-more-confident-by-itself-is-bad-advice/28108/95 "2009-04-21T22:08:44Z")
…crickets chirping… Well, to bring my last post back around to this thread, the observation about garamon does put a whole new light on the phrase “_I’d rep ya more_ **if I could** , Attractor” and calling _other people_ hypocrits… ---
**Author:** ![tisha23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/53a042/32.png) [@tisha23](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/tisha23)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2009, 10:36pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/why-the-phrase-be-more-confident-by-itself-is-bad-advice/28108/96 "2009-04-21T22:36:25Z")
Ok lets not head into a argument here. This was a discussion about confidence and we all had slightly different takes and opinions. That’s normal and to be expected. No one is right or wrong. Attractor changed the title because he wanted to make it more clear. He realized that people were misunderstanding what he meant from it. I agreed with him. He never said that having confidence was bad or that telling people to have confidence was bad. It was more about just saying it to someone. Some things you cant just tell people to go do without giving them the tools to do it. He apologized for neg repping and owned up to it. As far as Garamon thanking Lor. We are aware of everyone in the forum. A lot of people dont post but thank people still. Maybe Lors posts strike a cord with him/her. Maybe this person dosnt feel comfortable posting for whatever reason but whether they post or not they have the right to thank people they feel helped them or who they appreciate. There is no limit on how much thanks you can give or receive. So everybody break out the Ishine and spread some love. 😉 Tisha ---
**Author:** ![mikotorocks714](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/mikotorocks714/32/1509_2.png) [@mikotorocks714](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/mikotorocks714)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2009, 10:58pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/why-the-phrase-be-more-confident-by-itself-is-bad-advice/28108/97 "2009-04-21T22:58:24Z")
**Ahem.** _This is the thread that doesn’t end,_ _yes it goes on and on my friend_\*…\* _He, he. Just trying to bring some humor._ ---
**Author:** ![xev](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/xev/32/1993_2.png) [@xev](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/xev)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2009, 1:27am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/why-the-phrase-be-more-confident-by-itself-is-bad-advice/28108/98 "2009-04-22T01:27:13Z")
> [@Lor](#): > > wow , > it doesnt look like he CAN do the right thing here, > _because no one else here makes mistakes enough to HAVE to remedy them._ > hmmmmm… > guess we should pay better attention to _EVERYONES_ post and make sure there are no hypocrites in this here forum 😃 It is not the mistake but the mode of remedy. I will edit posts for only a few reasons: 1. correct typos – generally immediately after posting, before anyone else has a chance to reply. 2. Or if I add something I will preface it with “edited to add” so as to make clear that it was something I came back later and added. 3. If on the rare occasion I lost my temper and said something I really regretted, I might delete the post all together, but leave a note explaining why. Its not that I’m believing the worst, it is just that I’m observing the available data and its leaving me hesitant to buy into theAttractor fan club. Neutral might be a better word. It is interesting and odd to me that his posts on this thread hav garnered him a big pile of rep, thanks, friends, and $50. ---
**Author:** ![Gegogi](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/gegogi/32/1536_2.png) [@Gegogi](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Gegogi)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2009, 1:39am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/why-the-phrase-be-more-confident-by-itself-is-bad-advice/28108/99 "2009-04-22T01:39:13Z")
Ah dunno, I edit my posts if I don’t like the flow or feel. It’s great writing practice in this freakin’ texting-IM age. Don’t need any other excuses nor follow self-imposed regulations. After all, this is just a forum… ---
**Author:** ![Robbie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2acd7d/32.png) [@Robbie](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Robbie)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2009, 2:43am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/why-the-phrase-be-more-confident-by-itself-is-bad-advice/28108/100 "2009-04-22T02:43:54Z")
> [@tisha23](#): > > Ok lets not head into a arguement here. > > This was a discussion about confidence and we all had slightly different takes and opinions. Thats normal and to be expected. No one is right or wrong. > > Attractor changed the title because he wanted to make it more clear. He realized that people were misunderstanding what he ment from it. I agreed with him. > > He never said that having confidence was bad or that telling people to have confidence was bad. > > It was more about just saying it to someone. Some things you cant just tell people to go do without giving them the tools to do it. > > He apologized for neg repping and owned up to it. > > As far as Garamon thanking Lor. We are aware of everyone in the forum. A lot of people dont post but thank people still. Maybe Lors posts strike a cord with him/her. Maybe this person dosnt feel comfortable posting for whatever reason but whether they post or not they have the right to thank people they feel helped them or who they appreiciate. There is no limit on how much thanks you can give or receive. > > So everybody break out the Ishine and spread some love. 😉 > > Tisha The inference is that somebody’s angry… T’aint me! But to say this thread is just about Confidence is like saying War and Peace is about some Russians. I find a lot of the behavior and choices made by many in (and out) of this thread as fascinating and directly related to the very topic, yours included, Tisha. You’re minimizing his negative reaction, pretending it’s unimportant (and its not important to me personally, FYI), but I keep returning to the reaction (please understand, it’s not to beat a dead horse “oh, he neg repped me”-- I want to be clear here) because, even though _you_ choose to ignore it, his choice is very relevant **_to this topic_.** We’ve all seen how the author responds to advice and suggestions and how poorly he deals with it when its not what he wants to hear. Assuming TheAttractor has grown emotionally, did he behave worse than this when discussing this topic with his friends? If they knew he would lash out at them in a negative way, it might well have affected their response. He called their advice downright ridiculous, that’s some chip to have over advice. To me, this topic is bigger than whether advice from someone is good or bad, its how people behave and respond to that advice. There’s just as much, if not more to be learned from that. Including what has been going on in this thread. ---
**Author:** ![Lor](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/lor/32/759_2.png) [@Lor](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Lor)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2009, 4:20am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/why-the-phrase-be-more-confident-by-itself-is-bad-advice/28108/101 "2009-04-22T04:20:07Z")
im not calling anyone _anything._ im basically saying that throwing stones in glass houses is not a good idea, and saying **“making sure there are no hypocrits”** _only_ meant no one here is perfect. it seems as though there might be some perfect ones among us,who knew??? im not perfect. i believe i have the ability to screw up, and hope that i would be given another chance to fix my mistake,assuming i thought it was a mistake. im not convinced looking for something wrong in others thanking me is time spent productively. being accused of calling anyone here anything sucks,dude. i apologise if finding someone’s post attractive and/or helpful has hurt you in any way. [Previous page](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/why-the-phrase-be-more-confident-by-itself-is-bad-advice/28108.md?page=4) [Next page](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/why-the-phrase-be-more-confident-by-itself-is-bad-advice/28108.md?page=6)