# Why the phrase "be more confident" by itself is bad advice **URL:** \ **Category:** Lounge\ **Created:** [April 16, 2009, 3:42pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/why-the-phrase-be-more-confident-by-itself-is-bad-advice/28108 "2009-04-16T15:42:46Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 7
**Author:** ![tisha23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/53a042/32.png) [@tisha23](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/tisha23)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2009, 5:43pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/why-the-phrase-be-more-confident-by-itself-is-bad-advice/28108/122 "2009-04-22T17:43:07Z")
> [@](#): > > Thanks for backing me up. I kinda hate to bring this up but I didnt back either of you up nor did I say anyone one was wrong or right. I never took a side. Its that postive energy I was telling you about in this thread. I just used it to influence the situation to a more positive light. You should read up on the subject its really quite amazing and not just for witches anymore. Who says the dark can not create the light LOL šŸ˜‰ > [@](#): > > OK all conspiracy theorists please report to my office for a spanking immediately, unless you are a guy, then go see Tisha23 šŸ™‚. Oh boy let me run and get my paddle šŸ˜ƒ > [@](#): > > I have received PMā€™s now asking me who Garamon is? Here is my answer: Sorry itā€™s none of your business! Me to, dont ask because I aint telling. Just as I wouldnt tell anyone else who you are. Tisha ---
**Author:** ![mikotorocks714](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/mikotorocks714/32/1509_2.png) [@mikotorocks714](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/mikotorocks714)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2009, 5:55pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/why-the-phrase-be-more-confident-by-itself-is-bad-advice/28108/123 "2009-04-22T17:55:40Z")
_Le sigh._ I havenā€™t been reading the last posts because I like to think it just got too out of hand, I mean I can understand being pretty upset for looking like a bad guy (if any) just for possibly innocently thinking and wondering about an opinion you have/had. When itā€™s probably just a lot easier for everyone to just forgive and forget (especially over different opinions.) Humans were meant to be unique and for each one of us to have their own ways of thinking, so clashing opinions were/are bound to happen. But it doesnā€™t mean we all canā€™t make up, and just flick off thinking differently off of your shoulder for the sake of just getting along. Especially on this board, were everyone treats each other like a family/friend (especially commonly seen with the veteran pherotalkers which is a very _sweet_ thing to see.) This is one of the reasons why I like this place, just for that fact so it kind of sucks seeing everyone disagreeing and _possibly_ getting just a _tad_ bit angry for not being understood. So how about it guys? A try at peace? šŸ˜ƒ ---
**Author:** ![SteveO](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/87869e/32.png) [@SteveO](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/SteveO)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2009, 6:51pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/why-the-phrase-be-more-confident-by-itself-is-bad-advice/28108/124 "2009-04-22T18:51:39Z")
> [@mikotorocks714](#): > > _Le sigh._ > > I havenā€™t been reading the last posts because I like to think it just got too out of hand, I mean I can understand being pretty upset for looking like a bad guy (if any) just for possibly innocently thinking and wondering about an opinion you have/had. When itā€™s probably just a lot easier for everyone to just forgive and forget (especially over different opinions.) Humans were meant to be unique and for each one of us to have their own ways of thinking, so clashing opinions were/are bound to happen. But it doesnā€™t mean we all canā€™t make up, and just flick off thinking differently off of your shoulder for the sake of just getting along. Especially on this board, were everyone treats each other like a family/friend (especially commonly seen with the veteran pherotalkers which is a very _sweet_ thing to see.) > > This is one of the reasons why I like this place, just for that fact so it kind of sucks seeing everyone disagreeing and _possibly_ getting just a _tad_ bit angry for not being understood. So how about it guys? A try at peace? šŸ˜ƒ Its OK to disagree and even get a little passionate about it. We are people with differing opinions. Take a breather my friend and spray yourself with Ishine. šŸ˜› I love this thread for the very reason of everyone disagreeing. Not because I am a sadist, yet because it does encourage debate and views that might not be the same as ours. We can learn from others opinions especially when they do disagree with ours.šŸ˜‰ Sometimes when people are so passionate about about an opinion they can get a bit ā€œangry.ā€ Good times my friend, this is a special tribute just for you. [![](https://us1.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/uploads/pheromonetalk/original/2X/4/4ee98f17dd42a1c9d7b1aa8d02a735ba2fffe5f9.jpeg "Bob Marley -- Three Little Birds") ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qjtbhmQhsXg) ---
**Author:** ![Robbie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2acd7d/32.png) [@Robbie](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Robbie)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2009, 6:55pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/why-the-phrase-be-more-confident-by-itself-is-bad-advice/28108/125 "2009-04-22T18:55:13Z")
> [@Lor](#): > > in the years i have been here, i cant remember EVER neg-repping anyone. > guess there is a first for everything. Thanks for the neg reps and your comment-- saw this after having a long conversation with Steve, you can ask him what animosity I have. (Edit: I just saw that Diane999 also neg repped me too. Wowā€¦) Let me repeat, as I understand it, as you used the rep system, that is an abuse. Pages and pages of poisonous bile. You win. Iā€™m gone. ---
**Author:** ![mikotorocks714](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/mikotorocks714/32/1509_2.png) [@mikotorocks714](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/mikotorocks714)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2009, 6:55pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/why-the-phrase-be-more-confident-by-itself-is-bad-advice/28108/126 "2009-04-22T18:55:52Z")
Ha, ha must be the hippie in me Steve! > [@Steve](#): > > Its OK to disagree and even get a little passionate about it. We are people with differing opinions. Take a breather my friend and spray yourself with Ishine. šŸ˜› > > I love this thread for the very reason of everyone disagreeing. Not because I am a sadist, yet because it does encourage debate and views that might not be the same as ours. We can learn from others opinions especially when they do disagree with ours.šŸ˜‰ > > Sometimes when people are so passionate about about an opinion they can get a bit ā€œangry.ā€ Good times my friend, this is a special tribute just for you. > > [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qjtbhmQhsXg](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qjtbhmQhsXg) ---
**Author:** ![diane999](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/diane999/32/1110_2.png) [@diane999](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/diane999)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2009, 7:09pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/why-the-phrase-be-more-confident-by-itself-is-bad-advice/28108/127 "2009-04-22T19:09:20Z")
Maybe we could all start a new debate in the Lounge comparing and contrasting confidence with protectionism. I think these two things are being abundantly contrasted here in this thread. It would be good, imo, to look at these issues from a fresh perspective, from a little distance, and see what the differences in the two are, and what the consequences of each is. Diane ---
**Author:** ![mikotorocks714](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/mikotorocks714/32/1509_2.png) [@mikotorocks714](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/mikotorocks714)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2009, 7:12pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/why-the-phrase-be-more-confident-by-itself-is-bad-advice/28108/128 "2009-04-22T19:12:37Z")
Not gone from the forum _completely_ though, right? šŸ˜• > [@Robbie](#): > > Thanks for the neg reps and your comment-- saw this after having a long conversation with Steve, you can ask him what animosity I have. Let me repeat, as I understand it, as you used the rep system, that is an abuse. > > Pages and pages of poisonous bile. > > You win. Iā€™m gone. ---
**Author:** ![TheAttractor](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/theattractor/32/575_2.png) [@TheAttractor](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/TheAttractor)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2009, 7:30pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/why-the-phrase-be-more-confident-by-itself-is-bad-advice/28108/129 "2009-04-22T19:30:57Z")
> [@diane999](#): > > Maybe we could all start a new debate in the Lounge comparing and contrasting confidence with protectionism. > > I think these two things are being abundantly contrasted here in this thread. It would be good, imo, to look at these issues from a fresh perspective, from a little distance, and see what the differences in the two are, and what the consequences of each is. > > Diane Thatā€™s not a bad idea. Heck, it probably wouldnā€™t hurt to move this thread to the Lounge, and leave the Menā€™s Discussion forum for questions and comments about pheromones. This way, this thread wonā€™t be in everyoneā€™s faces all the time, and we all can cool off. Perhaps none of us should have reacted as strongly as we did; then all this drama could have been avoided. We tried to have a debate, but ended up doing a PheromoneTalk version of _Lord of the Flies_. ---
**Author:** ![diane999](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/diane999/32/1110_2.png) [@diane999](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/diane999)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2009, 7:40pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/why-the-phrase-be-more-confident-by-itself-is-bad-advice/28108/130 "2009-04-22T19:40:21Z")
> [@TheAttractor](#): > > Thatā€™s not a bad idea. Heck, it probably wouldnā€™t hurt to move this thread to the Lounge, and leave the Menā€™s Discussion forum for questions and comments about pheromones. This way, this thread wonā€™t be in everyoneā€™s faces all the time, and we all can cool off. Perhaps none of us should have reacted as strongly as we did; then all this drama could have been avoided. We tried to have a debate, but ended up doing a PheromoneTalk version of _Lord of the Flies_. It is a human nature. But, I wouldnā€™t equate this thread with _Lord of the Flies._ It isnā€™t that heavy, or that fundamental. It only seems to be that way to the people who feel defensive and are protecting themselves or those they love by going on the offensive. To the rest of us, it is more likeā€¦ ā€œSo, what _exactly_ is the big deal? Did someone say they didnā€™t like the way someone _worded_ something? Did someone say they didnā€™t like the way someone _corrected_ or _edited_ something?ā€ šŸ˜› It really isnā€™t life or death, though it may feel that way to some. Next week no one will even remember this thread. Diane ---
**Author:** ![Robbie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2acd7d/32.png) [@Robbie](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Robbie)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2009, 8:05pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/why-the-phrase-be-more-confident-by-itself-is-bad-advice/28108/131 "2009-04-22T20:05:28Z")
Iā€™ve already had people contacting me wanting to defend me, if thatā€™s in your mind, please donā€™t. There is too much negative reaction in this thread as it is. Back to the threadā€¦ ---
**Author:** ![mikotorocks714](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/mikotorocks714/32/1509_2.png) [@mikotorocks714](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/mikotorocks714)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2009, 8:16pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/why-the-phrase-be-more-confident-by-itself-is-bad-advice/28108/132 "2009-04-22T20:16:09Z")
Well, Iā€™m _neutral_ but I just hope you donā€™t leave the forum permanently. Wouldnā€™t be worth it, well at least thatā€™s what I think. šŸ˜• ---
**Author:** ![Bella](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/bella/32/1738_2.png) [@Bella](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Bella)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2009, 8:40pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/why-the-phrase-be-more-confident-by-itself-is-bad-advice/28108/133 "2009-04-22T20:40:41Z")
> [@Robbie](#): > > \ ***Iā€™ve already had people contacting me wanting to defend me, if thatā€™s in your mind, please donā€™t.** There is too much negative reaction in this thread as it is. \* Yeah, well, good luck with that. I swore on my motherā€¦sorry momā€¦that I was going to stay outta ā€œdiscussionsā€ like this as they usually degenerate into what this has become. But Iā€™ve held my tongue long enough. Please donā€™t leave the forum Robbie. _ **You have a lot of friends here who really do respect you and your opinion.** _ Iā€™m just one of them. We need more people here _exactly like you._ Youā€™re not the first one to jump ship over bullshit like this. Yeah, thatā€™s right, pure unadulterated bullshit. Just beautiful, really. It stinks to high heaven here and thereā€™s no amount of cover thatā€™s gonna fix it. Itā€™s rotten. I have never neg repped _ **ANYONE** _ and Iā€™m not going to start now. Itā€™s counter productive, petty and childish. If ya wanna ban something ban that. The truth is _if_ Garamon had the best interest of this forum, and the members, at heart he/she/it would step up. Well, itā€™s clear _ **that ainā€™t gonna happen** _. Frankly, itā€™s the only way to really clear this up and put it to rest. Oh, BTW, I befriended Garomon yesterday and was accepted. Then when I checked my profile today I had been _unbefriended_. LOL. Well, a **BIG** heads up, kiddies. _ **I** _ ainā€™t goinā€™ anywhere. šŸ™‚ Bella ---
**Author:** ![Wrlprchnx](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/wrlprchnx/32/1360_2.png) [@Wrlprchnx](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Wrlprchnx)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2009, 9:03pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/why-the-phrase-be-more-confident-by-itself-is-bad-advice/28108/134 "2009-04-22T21:03:37Z")
Magnum posted his thoughts on this almost near the start - What he said really resonated with me: Confidence is a goal, not an action I think Steve repeated it later (Confidence is a noun, not a verb) That being saidā€¦ I think it largely depends on **HOW** someone is being told to ā€œbe confidentā€ - In my experience people are told to be confident in a two main ways: **FROM A NEGATIVE FRAMEWORK - ā€œJust be confidentā€ - Negative Feedback Loop** An example that comes clearly to me is after failing in an interaction with a girl a guy comes back to his buddies who say ā€œDude, you have got to just be confident if you are ever going to get a girlā€. Framed in this way the suggestion of confidence comes from an implication that both the person LACKS confidence AND that the lack of confidence makes them a less worthwhile person. Everytime that guy remembers his buddies advice he is ALSO reminded that he lacks confidence AND has a lower value as a direct result. Poor guy who still needs to figure out this self-confidence thing on his own and now also has to figure out how to get through the negative associations he has with trying to become more confident. I should note that this negative association tends to occur from repeatedly being give the advice from a negative frame. Itā€™s also not because his buddies are bad people - typically they are offering the advice in a negative frame because they havenā€™t spent much time thinking about it and only really know that it is a bad thing to not have any. Negatively framed ā€œJust be Confidentā€ engenders a negative feedback loop - everytime confidence is thought about the lack thereof causes the thinker to lose more confidence. I THINK that Attractor had a problem with THIS type of advice. **From a Positive Framework - ā€œYour awesome dude, all you need to do is start believing itā€ - Positive Feedback Loop - Confidence Bubble** The second common type of confidence advice generally comes when the people give you reasons why you should be confident because of things that you do well. This advice tends to be infinitely more effective in creating the feeling of self-confidence in someone - especially confidence in what that person is good at. Most people will then start to translate the confidence they feel in the area that they are receiving validation elsewhere, which because they are feeling more confident tends to cause increased validation in those areas as well. However, while confidence advice given in this framework does boost confidenceā€¦ it has itā€™s issuesā€¦ Firstly, not everyone translates confidence in being good at something into other aspects of their life. They typically end up becoming somewhat arrogant about what they do well - it is what they are good for and without it they are nothing. Highschool jocks who donā€™t have much else going for them tend to also fall prey and end up flailing for quite awhile after high school. The second problem happens to people who translate the confidence to others areas of their life. Typically the confidence gain from these positive feedback loops is easy - it feels good because people keep telling you how good you are (directly at first, indirectly by reacting positively to you later). Oftentimes it makes it really easy to feel really good about yourself REALLY QUICK. However, a significant part of the confidence from these loops ends up being from EXTERNAL VALIDATION. The problem here is that because the confidence comes cheap you donā€™t need to examine yourself. You donā€™t need to INTERNALLY VALIDATE. You end up with a confidence bubble. Now that never really becomes an issueā€¦ unless the positive feedback loop ever dries up. Almost inevitably it does dry up and just like the housing bubble - your confidence drops lower than where it should be based on how confident you are due to internal validation (which I would call your baseline confidence level). Itā€™s just like the real estate market bubbleā€¦ when it pops shit gets bad. We see it happen with celebrities who rise too quickly and come crashing downā€¦ Iā€™ve had a positive feedback loop confidence bubble pop on me - it wasnā€™t prettyā€¦ I made alot of mistakes that hurt people close to me. * * * I think both of the common ways people are told to ā€œbe more confidentā€ tend to be counter-productive. True confidence comes from becoming internally validated - it takes time, experience, and most importantly EFFORT to develop. You need to examine yourself, what you believe, your faults, your strengths and most importantly be truthful to yourself while doing it. You need to spend time and effort examining your motivations, where you want to go and why you want to go there. Itā€™s a long, sometimes arduous processā€¦ Personally I hope it will be worth itā€¦ Iā€™m only just starting myself. ---
**Author:** ![TheAttractor](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/theattractor/32/575_2.png) [@TheAttractor](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/TheAttractor)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2009, 9:33pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/why-the-phrase-be-more-confident-by-itself-is-bad-advice/28108/135 "2009-04-22T21:33:10Z")
> [@Wrlprchnx](#): > > Negatively framed ā€œJust be Confidentā€ engenders a negative feedback loop - everytime confidence is thought about the lack thereof causes the thinker to lose more confidence. I THINK that Attractor had a problem with THIS type of advice. Great job on catching the true intention of my first post. Thatā€™s one of the things I was trying to point out. I was going somehow explain that in more detail, but wasnā€™t sure how to phrase it in ways the ā€œitā€™s all about your mindā€ believers would understand. I tried to explain myself, but a few people responded to my viewpoints so negatively, it felt no different than proving oneā€™s innocence after being accused of witchcraft in Salem. ---
**Author:** ![mikotorocks714](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/mikotorocks714/32/1509_2.png) [@mikotorocks714](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/mikotorocks714)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2009, 10:04pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/why-the-phrase-be-more-confident-by-itself-is-bad-advice/28108/136 "2009-04-22T22:04:23Z")
And I think this is also what Robbie meant, except he phrased it as just going out and being confident. You got to start somewhere, and that start is driven by a desire to be confident. Confident in finally trying to be your best, and confident in general. You just have to _kick yourself in the butt_ to get to this start, and I think thatā€™s what he meant if Iā€™m not mistaken. Just finally doing something about it be it by inner validation, affirmations, and all these other aspects. Just no more lollygagging in other words, just do it (but by this it doesnā€™t mean just turning on a confident light switch, as confidence _doesnā€™t_ turn on, on command.) Itā€™s kind of like how they say, love yourself first before you can love others. So Iā€™m assuming be confident in yourself first, before you can be confident in _general_. > [@Wrlprchnx](#): > > True confidence comes from becoming internally validated - it takes time, experience, and most importantly EFFORT to develop. You need to examine yourself, what you believe, your faults, your strengths and most importantly be truthful to yourself while doing it. You need to spend time and effort examining your motivations, where you want to go and why you want to go there. Itā€™s a long, sometimes arduous processā€¦ > > Personally I hope it will be worth itā€¦ Iā€™m only just starting myself. ---
**Author:** ![marty](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/marty/32/714_2.png) [@marty](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/marty)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2009, 11:40pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/why-the-phrase-be-more-confident-by-itself-is-bad-advice/28108/137 "2009-04-22T23:40:39Z")
Oh. Hey. Look. Drama. On the internet. Personally, I donā€™t know who this Garamon character is, and I donā€™t care either. I mean, none of you ā€œreallyā€ know who I am either, and I donā€™t know who any of you are. Weā€™re all entitled to our privacy. Pheromones are great, but I still feel a bit weird about using them and I donā€™t think a single person I know in ā€œreal lifeā€ has any idea about them. But thatā€™s why I can post about that sort of stuff. The consequences are obscured by the internet. People need to learn how this internet thing works. Since thereā€™s nothing to loose itā€™s very hard to really convince anyone of anything on the internet. Whatever. Chiiiiiiiillllllll. ---
**Author:** ![Brock](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/brock/32/1823_2.png) [@Brock](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Brock)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2009, 1:55am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/why-the-phrase-be-more-confident-by-itself-is-bad-advice/28108/138 "2009-04-23T01:55:16Z")
Now that weā€™ve established that there are several ways to ā€˜be more confidentā€™ letā€™s list them all off. Hereā€™s 7 ways + a book I recommend, Iā€™d be interested to see other methods you come up with. Please, keep each method short and sweet if you can. Methods of confidence are as varied as the individuals here. **1) Self-Improvement**: You look good, you feel good; simple as that. Spending time on your wardrobe, your physical fitness, your complexion, your hair style, and just your individual style in general, really gives you confidence. **2) Affirmation**: Spend a few minutes every day in front of the mirror admiring yourself. Love yourself. If you donā€™t Love yourself, how can you expect anyone else to Love you? Create your own confidence by making a list of things you admire about yourself. Affirmation is one of the most important things you can do for yourself in life. **3) Rubbing off on other people**: The more confident you are in yourself, the more other people admire you. Think of someone you admire, they are probably a ā€˜masterā€™ at something they enjoy and have spent a lot of time on. They inspire you by being good at something themselves. This creates synergy between you and your friends, as you inspire them, they inspire you, and it causes a ā€˜cycle of confidenceā€™ in yourself and in each other. **4a) Support system:** Everyone needs a pick-me-up every now and again. Read a book on self confidence, self help books arenā€™t just for diets and working out, thereā€™s a lot of good self-help books out there. Think of it this wayā€¦every problem you could possibly have in your whole life, has already been dealt with. There have been SO many people that have existed before you, that there are NO NEW PROBLEMS (when it comes to the human condition). There are books written about solutions to every problem possibly known to man. **4b) Supportive friends:** Thereā€™s always someone better than you, itā€™s a fact of life. Spend time with these people, theyā€™ll rub off on you. Mimic things you admire (not in a creepy way, give it your own style). Iā€™m always vastly inspired by several of my friends, and I choose to keep those friends closest to me for that reason. Some friends are like parasites, and some friends are like a positive energy source. Itā€™s worth it to dedicate some time removing the negative people in your life and replacing them with positive people. **5) Get good at something:** From what I understand, this was the purpose of the original post. Mastering one or several things really does build confidence. **6) Deal with rejection:** Rejection is usually to do with some issue the person rejecting you has, and has very little or nothing at all to do with you. Everyone has their own shit to deal with. **7) Fake it til you make it:** Itā€™s proven scientifically that this method works. You fake confidence long enough, it becomes second nature to you. It works via the brain connecting ā€˜wiresā€™, and the more those ā€˜wiresā€™ fire off, the more permanent their connection with your persona becomes. A great book I would recommend reading is The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. The agreements are: **Be Impeccable With Your Word Always Do Your Best Never Assume Anything Donā€™t Take Anything Personally** The book elaborates all those points and gives common examples of how people are before/after making these four agreements with themselves. Also, if you have never watched The Secret, I really think that might help as well. ---
**Author:** ![diane999](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/diane999/32/1110_2.png) [@diane999](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/diane999)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2009, 2:10am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/why-the-phrase-be-more-confident-by-itself-is-bad-advice/28108/139 "2009-04-23T02:10:27Z")
> [@Brock](#): > > Now that weā€™ve established that there are several ways to ā€˜be more confidentā€™ letā€™s list them all off. Hereā€™s 7 ways + a book I recommend, Iā€™d be interested to see other methods you come up with. Please, keep each method short and sweet if you can. Methods of confidence are as varied as the individuals here. > > **1) Self-Improvement**: You look good, you feel good; simple as that. Spending time on your wardrobe, your physical fitness, your complexion, your hair style, and just your individual style in general, really gives you confidence. > > **2) Affirmation**: Spend a few minutes every day in front of the mirror admiring yourself. Love yourself. If you donā€™t Love yourself, how can you expect anyone else to Love you? Create your own confidence by making a list of things you admire about yourself. Affirmation is one of the most important things you can do for yourself in life. > > **3) Rubbing off on other people**: The more confident you are in yourself, the more other people admire you. Think of someone you admire, they are probably a ā€˜masterā€™ at something they enjoy and have spent a lot of time on. They inspire you by being good at something themselves. This creates synergy between you and your friends, as you inspire them, they inspire you, and it causes a ā€˜cycle of confidenceā€™ in yourself and in each other. > > **4a) Support system:** Everyone needs a pick-me-up every now and again. Read a book on self confidence, self help books arenā€™t just for diets and working out, thereā€™s a lot of good self-help books out there. Think of it this wayā€¦every problem you could possibly have in your whole life, has already been dealt with. There have been SO many people that have existed before you, that there are NO NEW PROBLEMS (when it comes to the human condition). There are books written about solutions to every problem possibly known to man. > > **4b) Supportive friends:** Thereā€™s always someone better than you, itā€™s a fact of life. Spend time with these people, theyā€™ll rub off on you. Mimic things you admire (not in a creepy way, give it your own style). Iā€™m always vastly inspired by several of my friends, and I choose to keep those friends closest to me for that reason. Some friends are like parasites, and some friends are like a positive energy source. Itā€™s worth it to dedicate some time removing the negative people in your life and replacing them with positive people. > > **5) Get good at something:** From what I understand, this was the purpose of the original post. Mastering one or several things really does build confidence. > > **6) Deal with rejection:** Rejection is usually to do with some issue the person rejecting you has, and has very little or nothing at all to do with you. Everyone has their own shit to deal with. > > **7) Fake it til you make it:** Itā€™s proven scientifically that this method works. You fake confidence long enough, it becomes second nature to you. It works via the brain connecting ā€˜wiresā€™, and the more those ā€˜wiresā€™ fire off, the more permanent their connection with your persona becomes. > > A great book I would recommend reading is The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. The agreements are: > > **Be Impeccable With Your Word > Always Do Your Best > Never Assume Anything > Donā€™t Take Anything Personally** > > The book elaborates all those points and gives common examples of how people are before/after making these four agreements with themselves. > > Also, if you have never watched The Secret, I really think that might help as well. Personal opinion here: I agree with everything youā€™ve said except the last. (I know some people disagree with my opinion here. I accept that.) I think it is perfectly okay to say, ā€œIā€™m not confident I can do that. But Iā€™m confident I can learn how to do it.ā€ It is perfectly okay to be _real._ Being real gives you a starting point to get from _here_ to _there_. Diane ---
**Author:** ![renny](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/renny/32/2104_2.png) [@renny](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/renny)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2009, 3:23pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/why-the-phrase-be-more-confident-by-itself-is-bad-advice/28108/140 "2009-04-23T15:23:05Z")
Be more confident. Trust your instincts. Just have faith. Familiarity with a concept renders these sentences moot. Gegogiā€™s keyboard example is good. There is nothing here to doubt, typewriters have been around for nearly 200 years, you strike a key, a letter appears. The internet itself is a different thing. It engenders different levels of confidence depending on how familiar one is with the concept. Only the very youngest among have really grown up with the idea. Many of us donā€™t have much confidence in it. Itā€™s not a safe place for your thoughts and ideas, even your identity is at risk. These things can be taken and twisted or magnified or interpreted by anyone if you place them on the internet. Scary, so we make it less scary by putting a familiar shape to it, a forum, a community meeting place, a town hall. Now our confidence resides with the creators, owners, and moderators of the forum. Our confidence is based in large measure on how well and quickly they respond to concerns. We hear about things like spam, and worms, and bots, and phish and our moderators respond with confidence that they have things well in hand. Hey we like 'em, theyā€™re funny and seem to know what they are doing. Soon we feel silly when we see ā€œMarleneā€ who isnā€™t on the members list hanging out in the visitors list. We donā€™t want to bother anyone but it worries us enough to pm a buddy, ā€œhave you seen?ā€. By the time the buddy looks ā€œMarleneā€ is gone. She pops up a few more times and then stopsā€¦ā€œwell it probably was just someone who was checking out the forum, but how come she was in the visitors list but not the members list?ā€ā€¦and we feel silly. Then we notice ā€œsnakeā€. ā€œsnakeā€ visits everybodyā€™s profile. ā€œWho is this?ā€ So we click to see their profile and get a message saying we arenā€™t authorized to go there. ā€œNow wait.ā€ we think ā€œthis slithering nasty snake thing can view me and see who my friends are and whatā€™s said in my profile but I canā€™t see it?ā€ And we think about ā€œMarleneā€. And we feel silly and wish we knew more about the internet. All is well soon and nasty slithering spying ā€œsnakeā€ goes away. A more serious matter comes up and I take it to a mod. Itā€™s taken care of with aplomb and good wishes. I get a little good natured ribbing about being a conspiracy theorist. Itā€™s all in fun. We laugh. Itā€™s all good. šŸ™‚ In the meantime, along comes another of these little mysteries. I donā€™t ask about it because I donā€™t want to really be a conspiracy nut. I have confidence in our mods, but I do wonder. Then along comes a post in a combustible thread asking about this mystery. The post is heated and I hesitated to applaud it. The next post is somewhat less inflammatory. I put my thanks to it. There are those who feel belittled by my thanks to Robbie. That is inside them, all I can really say to them is- Be more confident. Trust your instincts. Have just a little faith. Cuz, I ainā€™t goinā€™ anywhere and I do hope Robbie comes back. ---
**Author:** ![Lor](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/lor/32/759_2.png) [@Lor](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Lor)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2009, 3:38pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/why-the-phrase-be-more-confident-by-itself-is-bad-advice/28108/141 "2009-04-23T15:38:20Z")
> [@mikotorocks714](#): > > And I think this is also what Robbie meant, except he phrased it as just going out and being confident. You got to start somewhere, and that start is driven by a desire to be confident. Confident in finally trying to be your best, and confident in general. You just have to _kick yourself in the butt_ to get to this start, and I think thatā€™s what he meant if Iā€™m not mistaken. Just finally doing something about it be it by inner validation, affirmations, and all these other aspects. Just no more lollygagging in other words, just do it (but by this it doesnā€™t mean just turning on a confident light switch, as confidence _doesnā€™t_ turn on, on command.) > > Itā€™s kind of like how they say, love yourself first before you can love others. So Iā€™m assuming be confident in yourself first, before you can be confident in _general_. i can apreciate the translation. you also added some of your own flavor,as is highlighted. your post reflects a peaceful vibe that makes the idea very easily understoodā€¦ [Previous page](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/why-the-phrase-be-more-confident-by-itself-is-bad-advice/28108.md?page=6) [Next page](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/why-the-phrase-be-more-confident-by-itself-is-bad-advice/28108.md?page=8)