# Why the phrase "be more confident" by itself is bad advice **URL:** \ **Category:** Lounge\ **Created:** [April 16, 2009, 3:42pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/why-the-phrase-be-more-confident-by-itself-is-bad-advice/28108 "2009-04-16T15:42:46Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 2\ **Page:** 9
**Author:** ![TheAttractor](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/pheromonetalk.com/theattractor/32/575_2.png) [@TheAttractor](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/TheAttractor)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2009, 9:31pm UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/why-the-phrase-be-more-confident-by-itself-is-bad-advice/28108/162 "2009-04-30T21:31:16Z")
> [@Phya](#): > > I understand where the OP is coming from, and I agree that the singular phrase “Just be more confident” is not very helpful. That’s like someone asking “How do I become rich?” And you respond “Make some money.” 😛 > … > Positive thinking is the key then. If you don’t believe you can learn a new skill, why you would continue trying to learn it? Thus, if you are to succeed and learn a new skill, and which, hypothetically should lead to good experiences and consequently increased confidence, then you need to believe you can learn the new skill. > … > Ultimately, Gegogi’s comments regarding confidence resonate the most with me. Confidence **is definitely** earned. How did I become confident? I took risks, when those risks burned me, I got back up and tried again. When I realized that I started succeeding, the confidence came. But again, it’s not because of the good experience that I became confident, it was because I overcame a challenge. I overcame my insecurities and went for it. I ignored the bad experiences (the critical ‘mental’ aspect), and embraced the good experiences. > … > The mentalists aren’t bullshitting you, but I do think that they are jumping a little ahead of the point that you are at. That’s why you view it as two separate perspectives. Okay, I feel like I may be going in circles here. Just my thoughts, I need to go pick up some ganja real quick. 😃 Phya, out of all the pro-Mentalist posts, I thinks yours was the most positive one. Positive thinking can do wonders; however, I view it as more of a willingness to try something, as opposed to just believing. It might take a lot of self-motivation or even forcing yourself as you learn a new skill, but it will be worth it in the end, because it’ll bring the good experiences that’ll lead to greater confidence. With most new things, you don’t know if you can do it until you actually try, although if there are things you simply won’t do, that’s perfectly OK. But those things should be kept to a minimum. Case in point. If someone offered me to participate of a roller derby, I’d say “no thanks”; it’s completely outside my skill set, and I don’t see the benefit in trying it. However, if someone offered me to play a basketball game (I’m bad at it), I’d still say OK, because I might actually have a fun time playing and learn something new, or at the minimum, get some exercise out of it. Next time, the motivation to play might be different, or it might not. The key is finding something to motivate yourself, even if it’s just a nicer alternative to sitting at home. Then the good experiences will come. It’s interesting that you mentioned the Mentalists “jumping ahead”. Those who say “just be confident” are probably sharing whatever they know best. To explain the concept, let’s use an analogy. Consider an issue all immigrants face (except those who come as little kids): their accent. When asked how to correct it, many native-born Americans will say “just practice speaking English”, because practicing the pronunciation was something they “just did” as kids; that’s what they’ve known their whole lives. (Exceptions to this would be speech therapy providers.) Immigrants, on the other hand, have to learn intellectually how to sound out each English letter: namely, how to use the lips, teeth, tongue, and voicebox to make certain sounds. Without some specific instructions to point all that out, correcting their accent will be a daunting task at best, and might take a lot longer to achieve. Similarly, for people who were lucky enough to become confident during their formative years, “just being confident” feels as natural as eating when they’re hungry. But for the rest of us, learning to be confident is an intellectual process. So the advice in the thread title really might feel as confusing as “just practice speaking” to a recent immigrant. Now, if this starts an immigration debate on top of the drama that already took place, don’t make me responsible 🙂. ---
**Author:** ![Phya](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/94ad74/32.png) [@Phya](https://pheromonetalk.com/u/Phya)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2009, 4:35am UTC](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/why-the-phrase-be-more-confident-by-itself-is-bad-advice/28108/163 "2009-05-01T04:35:34Z")
> [@TheAttractor](#): > > However, I view it as more of a willingness to try something, as opposed to just believing. Sure, the willingness to try something is definitely there, but if you are _willing_ to try learning a new skill, then there is a belief, no matter how small, that you can learn the skill. Look at it this way: Belief: **“This unknown, exotic food will kill me.”** Decision: I would not be willing to try it. Belief: **“This unknown, exotic food might taste horrible, but I know it won’t kill me.”** Decision: I would be willing to try it. (Personality not withstanding.) Unless you believe that the food will not kill you, there is no chance in hell you’re trying the food. Same thing with skills. At some point, if you are willing to try something new, you believe it is something you can learn. > [@TheAttractor](#): > > It might take a lot of self-motivation or even forcing yourself as you learn a new skill, but it will be worth it in the end, because it’ll bring the good experiences that’ll lead to greater confidence. Even then, whatever your self-motivation, you still need to believe that you can learn it, especially if you assume it’ll lead to good experiences, which implies you’ve learned the skill and mastered it to a certain degree. When you see you’ve reached a certain level will the skill, you will gain confidence, not only in that skill, but in learning other skills. “If I learned this, I can learn that too.” And even still, what do you do about the bad experiences that are inevitable on the road to success? How do you deal with them? That depends on your mindset. If you are maintaining a positive one, then you can tell yourself ‘It’s okay, I’ll get better.’ If you are not, then you might tell yourself ‘I suck, why bother?’ It’s all about your mindset. > [@TheAttractor](#): > > With most new things, you don’t know if you can do it until you actually try, although if there are things you simply won’t do, that’s perfectly OK. Won’t do, yes. Can’t do, mostly no. If you see another human accomplish something, chances are that you have the necessary tools to accomplish that same feat. Even some skills that are seemingly out of reach of some people, like dunking a basketball. Some really short people are able to dunk. They probably _believed_. Based on that logic, you _do_ know if you can do it. What you don’t know is how many times you’ll fail until you learn to do it. > [@TheAttractor](#): > > It’s interesting that you mentioned the Mentalists “jumping ahead”. Those who say “just be confident” are probably sharing whatever they know best…Without some specific instructions to point all that out, correcting their accent will be a daunting task at best, and might take a lot longer to achieve. Right, but what the ‘Mentalists’ are saying is not just “Just be confident”, though it seems to me that you view it that way. I get the feeling that ‘Believing’ for you means just sitting and thinking about how confident you are. Or that ‘Believing’ can replace the hard work necessary to succeed at building your confidence. In other words, correct me if I’m wrong, I think you feel that the thought “I can do this.” is wishful thinking. You may not realize it, but you already have belief in yourself, regarding certain things. I don’t know what you’re good at, but if it was computers and I asked you to fix mine, you’d probably be _confident_ that you could fix it. As you say, one could only say that confidently if they’ve had enough good experiences fixing computers. No one in their right mind should be confident fixing a computer if they’ve never successfully done so. But that doesn’t negate your belief that you could fix it. You may not be able to fix it now, but if you believe in yourself to obtain the necessary skills and tools, then you can fix a different computer later. > [@TheAttractor](#): > > Similarly, for people who were lucky enough to become confident during their formative years, “just being confident” feels as natural as eating when they’re hungry. But for the rest of us, learning to be confident is an intellectual process. Like I said, I’m probably someone you’d consider as having developed confidence during my formative years. I don’t consider ‘Just being confident’ natural like eating when I’m hungry. It has been, and will continue to be a reoccurring cycle of doubt and confidence. As time goes on, you can draw upon your various experiences to help your confidence, but ultimately it is still based on the belief that you can achieve. This may seem unrelated, or a bit off topic, but if you aren’t familiar with the concept “locus of control”, I suggest you read up on it. [Locus of control - Wikipedia](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Locus_of_control) The core of the concept is related to this idea of ‘belief’. [Previous page](https://pheromonetalk.com/t/why-the-phrase-be-more-confident-by-itself-is-bad-advice/28108.md?page=8)