I don’t know how to upload the picture of the map. If anyone can explain that, I will upload for you amusement.
These were posted on an Australian tourism website, and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humor (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)**
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Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK).***
A: We import all plants fully grown, and then just sit around watching them die.
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Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA)***
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.
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Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden)
A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles. Take lots of water.
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Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns , Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK)****
A: What did your last slave die of?
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Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA)****
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe ..
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not …
Oh, forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
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Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA)****
A: Face south, and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.
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Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK)****
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
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Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? ( USA)****
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is …
Oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
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Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK)****
A: You are a British politician, right?
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Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany)****
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
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Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA)****
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled, and make good pets.
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Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA)****
A: It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. **
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
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**Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France*)******
*A: Only at Christmas.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA*)****** *****
A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first.**
