Ok so in my absence from posting in my journal, I did a fair bit of testing with P130. I posted the results in the P130 thread, but thought I would post it here too. This was from about 5 or 6 weeks ago:
Received my P130 2 days ago. Been testing it out. For some reason I bought the 30ml bottle in 5mcg per spray, so having to use a few sprays to see the full results.
Day 1: Crappy half spray and 1 full spray, estimate about 7.5mcg. I was very stressed when I sprayed it on, as going through a marriage breakup and also trying to get over an emotional long relationship with a girl, which whilst it wasn’t an actual affair, it was pretty full on talking, etc - known her for 5 years and in the last year we both admitted feelings, etc and I actually thought I would end up with this person, but she turned into a game player. Came back from the gym and agreed to go to lunch with my ex wife, sprayed on the 7.5mcg and went to a caf?. Waiting at the counter to be served, I was thinking I don’t feel anything. Then I tried to think about the other girl and some things my wife told me about her having a new lover the night before. It’s like my mind wouldn’t let me think about the details, kind of like a numb feeling. Weird, but good, as I have to admit, getting over this person was the main reason I got the P130, as others had reported getting over relationships with this and I have been struggling for months with this one (finally deleted her from my phone and facebook 2 weeks ago, some days still think about her a lot)
At this level, I didn’t really feel like I had less anxiety or social anxiety, but things seemed to ease a little, almost like drinking some alcohol without the other effects.
Went to pick up my son from school (3 hour round trip, Autism special school) and added another spray on the way, so now up to 12.5mcg. He had not slept very well the night before and I was with him all night, so had been lacking in patience in the morning. Self effects - I was much more awake, no need for coffee and felt pretty serene. No effects on my taste of foods, or anything around me more vivid.
Day 2. 6 sprays 30mcg total to neck.
Took my son to school. Quite often he gets upset on the way there, due to anxiety. He got upset at our half way stop, but I managed to talk to him and tell him he needed to be a good boy. I kept giving him thumbs up and telling him how good he was being, which worked and he was smiling. Usually it is hard to calm him when he is like this. He settled right down and was even being good in the queue to pay for his drink.
On way back, re-upped with one more spray to equal 35mcg. The countryside is lovely on the way back, but is usually taken for granted. Despite the morning being grey, I could see all the tonal differences in colour, from the grasses on the banking, to the autumnal colour of the trees. At one point I really thought the sun was shining on the trees about 1/4 mile ahead, but it was just some remaining yellow leaves on the tops and edges, no sun, but looked incandescent, like it was being lit up.
I was feeling serene, no unhappiness, no doubt, no anxiety. Got home and was meant to pick my ex up to run an errand. She got in the car, worst attitude ever. We had a big row. The thing is, where I have been holding back for a quiet life, I just let rip and matched her, not even caring if what I said hurt her. Maybe this is not a good one to argue under the influence of? I did manage to hold back my anger though and held back something which I knew would irreparably hurt our continuing relationship if said, even though at that moment I wanted to prove her wrong and hurt her.
Normally with an argument like this, I would feel like I needed a drink to take the edge off and it would get me down for the rest of the day. However, within 5 minutes of her leaving, I got on the computer looking at flats to rent and called some agents (Since it all happened my anxiety has prevented me from being particularly proactive in moving out and getting my life together)
Went back to school. Was feeling pretty tired, so one more spray bringing it to 40mcg total. Felt calm, serene and uncharacteristically happy all afternoon and my son was a good boy. Interesting hit in the service stop on the way up there. 3 coffee machines, 2 in use (one by me) and a guy stood rooted to the spot near me, despite there being a free machine. When someone pointed this out to him, he used the other machine. We both arrived to queue at the same moment and he gave me a strange look, like he wanted to say something or felt strange, but it was confusing him.
The evening went well, even when my son did get upset, he would just quietly start sobbing and I would go and give him a cuddle and work out what was wrong, whereas he normally physically attacks, as he can’t communicate. Bedtime was the best bit, when I turned the lights out, he just started going into uncontrollable giggling fits, so eventually I had to put the light back on. I was very tired, but couldn’t be mad at him, as it was so funny and infectious.
Day 3 (Today)
Morning 6 sprays of 5mcg each to neck, drying down in between. Total 30mcg.
Good run to school this morning, my son was happy and compliant again. Immediately after dropping him off, I added 4 more sprays, total now 50mcg. I did this, as I was thinking about the girl I was into a fair amount still. After this, I thought about her less. When she enters my thoughts it is definitely less painful though. The feelings run very deep, so maybe this is why they haven’t gone completely, but I am trying to even rule out the possibility that there will ever be anything between us, where before I always deep down, at the back of my mind hoped there would be something in the future.
Got home and ex made me a coffee. I worked upstairs for an hour and was very productive - no real distractions and quickly ticked off my jobs list - far better than I have been able to do for a while. I kind of felt like the film Limitless, like more areas of my brain have suddenly been unlocked and I can function on a whole other level. Driving the car is one example. When driving, I always observe around me, especially women in the car next to me, or walking along the street, nice scenery, cool cars, etc, etc. However, this morning this was all achieved with NO EXTRA EFFORT. I wasn’t even conscious of making an effort to look at the person next to me, yet I could see their facial features perfectly.
Went out to a caf? for lunch. Usually, when wearing A314 , P91 , Instant line or Ammo , I get a lot of hits from girls. I got a few, but it was more like me without the mones . What I did feel like I got, was much more respect hits. People looking at me for approval, being more polite than normal and a few groups of people looking at me like I was different, somehow kind of a big deal. That’s how it felt. I had my laptop and was less distracted, managing to type an easy 1000 words on an article I am doing. Ex called me to be awkward and I felt empowered and refused to argue with her about it, as I was sitting in a caf?.
That brings us upto now. I feel like I do have less social anxiety - walking into the trendy cafe can be intimidating, but wasn’t today, neither was being very direct with the pretty waitress.
Ok so a couple of other observations of P130:
My friends dog is around me a lot. Fairly relaxed at times, but very playful too. I went to his house under heavy (50mcg +) P130. Dog climbed straight on my lap and laid there breathing heavily the whole time I was there. Almost panting.
Another observation: I only wore P130 for 4 or 5 days in my test. After this I felt less anxious generally and more focused. I felt like I wasn’t in breakup pain any more and didn’t feel like I needed to use the P130 any more for self effects.
Having re-read this due to re-posting here, it makes me realise how far I have come in the last few weeks. It has also made me think about using some today instead of caffeine. Had about 2 hours sleep due to a late visit to a friends house and lack of decaf coffee I think.
