Amen. Taking it slow is a sound advice. And enjoy it. 
Oh, what a tangled web we weave…
I doubt this will attract any attention and that is okay, but I need to get this all out and I don’t want to write it all out long hand in my journal…LOL
So, things didn’t work out with the guy from last fall. He was super needy and clingy and ended up dumping me because I didn’t have enough time for him. Then he regretted it and wanted me back and sent flowers, called, texted, etc…then went on a date and posted about it on Facebook. So that is that. I still think he is a nice person, but not for me, nor I for him.
But that just kind of reinforced my walls and was another reason not to trust anyone.
There’s been this delivery guy chasing me at the place I used to work( I actually have a new job now!!!), for about a year and a half. He’s a body builder so I totally didn’t think he actually liked me, but he kept trying to get me to go out with him and I finally took his number. When we first met he made a comment about my big hair and how much he loved it. I spun around from the sink where I was washing coffee pots and my little co-worker R said sparks flew. I have not really been THAT attracted to many people in my life. Really only Scott.
But anyway, the Buff Boy wanted me and we started texting, then talked on the phone a little but mostly texting. I kept teasing him about being a player and he kept saying he wasn’t. I just couldn’t wrap my head around a guy who looked like that(being so physically fit) would like me. So I figured he was just looking to add a lawn gnome to his sexual hit list. We met at the beach the other day and we talked and made out. It was the first time we had met, or kissed. He’s actually kind of a dork, so I think he can’t be as big a player as I thought. I realized that he’s just a guy. He takes good care of himself, but he’s just a guy. And actually pretty nice. We have some things in common, and it was easy to talk to him. He is a GREAT kisser. We have been wanting to get together again but it hasn’t really worked out well. He is into car shows and cool classic cars, like me. Score some serious points for the toy he drives!
So, I took a new job because I just hated my life so much at the old one. I was there for 14 years, I kept taking on more hours and more responsibility and wasn’t making shit. I can’t pay my mortgage if I don’t start making some money. I even started selling Pampered Chef in virtual parties to try to make more money and I actually love that because I have used their stuff for years and it is great quality kitchen tools with an excellent guarantee. So, if anyone wants anything let me know, I will hook you up with a Facebook party and you can get free stuff! LOL
I went back to work in a garage. I worked in my dad’s for 12 years and had been around it my whole life.
I interviewed for a service writer position at the garage near the deli I worked at, but it just didn’t feel like a good fit. Then I received another offer…
If you have been unfortunate enough to have read this whole thing 
, you might remember when one of my best friends started dating my ex-husband. Well, K (don’t remember if I used her name…) owns a garage with her husband who she is legally separated from. They have decided not to divorce, at the advice of their financial advisor, until their son is out of school.They have been apart for years, they are now best friends who realized that was the role they really should have been to each other.
I loved the idea of going to work there. She and I have reached an amicable peace, even though things will never be the same between us. She doesn’t spend much time there, because she has another full time and a couple hour a week part time job. I love working around cars, and a lot of my dad’s old customers go there. It felt like going home. I just finished my second week and I went in happy every day, I came home happy every night, there were new things to learn with their bookkeeping and there was no stress.
Now, it gets complicated…my new boss C, is apparently crazy about me. I had NO IDEA he thought of me that way. I rarely saw him for the past couple of years, because he was busy at work on the other side of town and he didn’t like Bitchy Co-Worker.
Last weekend he texted me that he had some crazy girl trying to get him to take her home from the place he went to pick up some take out. It is a local place across from his neighborhood with great food. So, I told him to call me and it would give him an escape. Well, he did , and I am sure you are all ( ha!) starting to guess where this went…we ended up talking for 5 hours on the phone. We can talk about almost anything… it is so easy to talk to him because I have been friends with him for years and I never had a filter. He knows ME…
At some point he said something and I started to realize that he liked me. He got a little jealous when I mentioned the Buff Boy. So we have been talking all week. He knew I was meeting the other guy, so he texted and asked how it went. There was a lot of conversation, via text.
He admitted that he really liked me. I asked him why and he said ‘because you are absolutely my favorite girl. You are exactly what I want. You like all the old school classic stuff and you are so pretty and I can talk to you about anything for hours’
Somehow I got caught up in flirting with him because it just seemed natural. I asked him what would happen when K found out since she had already dated and dumped my ex. He said she had already predicted that we would end up together! I was floored! He and I would have been a much better match than they ever were, because we have many similar interests and similar values and huge hearts, but I had never, ever even thought of him that way because he was her husband and GIRL CODE! You don’t date your friend’s exes!
After he told me how he felt I had to work with him the next day and with newly opened eyes, I saw how he looks at me. Maybe she sees that, too. Maybe that is why she thinks we will end up together. All I know is, he looks at me the way every girl wants to be looked at.
We were texting Thursday night and it was really flirty and he ended up coming to my house so he could kiss me in my driveway. I still shake my head about it, because I am so confused! But, it happened. FUCK! It was a physical and emotional experience. The way he put his hands on my face before he kissed me was so freaking sweet. There was no doubt how he felt about me after that. He didn’t want to leave, would have just stood there with me all night.
This is long, I know. But there’s so much going on here. I feel like there is no way we can pursue this because of the past with K being one of my best friends and her back stabbing me to date my ex. I hand made their wedding invitations for goodness’ sake! I am afraid of the gossip, and the whispers. I am afraid of what ex-Jim will say, and letting K win her prediction. I am afraid because their son has so many emotional and health issues. He’s 13 and has been diagnosed with Asperger’s , but he is not like any of the other kids I know with it. My very best friend’s son has it and he isn’t creepy. This kid is kinda creepy. But still, I have been around him since he was born. I helped take care of K when she was on bed rest during her pregnancy with him.
And then there’s the fact that he is exactly the kind of guy I would want in my life, if there wasn’t all these complications. He’s an introvert who respects boundaries and doesn’t want to have someone up his ass all the time, so he wouldn’t be up mine. He likes so many of the same things I do. He has strengths where I have weaknesses. He could help me put up my frigging curtains! I would never have to pretend to be something I am not because he knows me already. I have known him for at least 15 years. He’s kinda the practically perfect guy for me and I am the practically perfect girl for him and this is something I NEVER EVER saw coming. And I do realize that no one is perfect. That’s why I said practically…
This feels like it is what everybody wants to find, and it is just right there at the tip of my fingers but I don’t know if I should reach for it. He is also my boss and I love my job. I love how fantastic he is with the customers and how he runs his shop. I love the easy, natural, comfortable way he could come into my life and make it better without taking it over.
And I am sitting here bawling now because writing it all out makes me realize that if I let this go, I will probably never have this kind of chance again. God, if you could see how he looks at me! I have a dog, that my kids say looks at me like I hung the stars. That is how he looks at me.
So the drawbacks are gossip and our exes and his son, he’s my boss… And, since I used to be close to K, I know certain details about him that I really wish I didn’t know…
And then there is a chance to have someone love me exactly how I am…
And yeah, I know I must sound like a total trainwreck where my love life is concerned…
Love always is a gamble, 'chick.
If you are confident that you are going to win, then go all the way.
You deserve a win too.
I dont need movies or watch soap operas. Nope, I have journals like yours I can read. New episodes all the time…
Ok, so I’m on page 361 of the book you just wrote so far. 
Focus on one step at a time, focus on the present, the next 24 hours for example. Not what will happen a month from now. Not what will happen 5 or 10 years from now.
You are suffering from I’m going to be alone forever syndrome… My clock is ticking… If I dont do this then I’ll NEVER get another shot… That can lead to bad or rash decisions so HAVE PATIENCE. I dont know that it really matters over who has it better: couples, singles, the hardworking polyamorous, we all suffer and benefit from our respective situations. Anyone can feel alone. Anyone can feel they are striving for intimacy and connection, even if they’re already in a partnership because they didnt choose right. Marriage isnt the be all end all that is everyones goal, and you certainly don’t have to make those decisions right away so stop even thinking about that…
Look, If someone is RIGHT for you such as a LTR, then you will know. Those oxytocin love bells will be ringing WITHOUT pheromones… It wont matter about the other stuff. Attraction is not a rational choice. And LOVE is an EMOTION, it is not rationalizing if this, I’m afraid, And the drawbacks are…
Go on a date. If you have a good time today together with someone, its likely you may get together again and it will happen again and things will progress naturally. Everyone who thinks theyre never going to meet someone pretty much meets someone.
You are obviously attractive despite your self image with TWO guys already after you without trying. You now know you can get someone, just get the right someone. Don’t forget to stay out of the frozen foods sections at the grocery now. Don’t want you to be in trouble for melting it all
Its when youre least expecting it, boom, the right person comes around and love (or sexual tension) happens. Look at others in a relationship and realize that you are just them in the past. Sooner than you will imagine, you will be in the after. You just have to wait and be patient because your special someone is out there and coming as fast as they can, unless they probably fell down into a well and died like mine lol