Someone sent this to me on Myspace. I hope this isn’t out of place on this forum,but this is the Women’s forum after all, and I didn’t want to put it in the lounge. This had me cracking up. This is oh so familiar, and something I think we can all relate to…
FOR ALL THE WOMENBody:>
>
>AN OPEN LETTER TO
>MR. JAMES THATCHER,
>BRAND MANAGER,
>PROCTER & GAMBLE.
>
>February 6, 2007
>
>Dear Mr. Thatcher,
>
>I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I
>appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core™ or
>Dri-Weave™ absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding or salsa
>dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in
>tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary
>Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how
>crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can’t tell you how safe and
>secure I feel each month knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants.
>
>Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from “the
>curse”? I’m guessing you haven’t. Well, my “time of the month” is starting
>right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging
>through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I’ll
>be transformed into what my husband likes to call “an inbred hillbilly with
>knife skills.” Isn’t the human body amazing?
>
>As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you’ve no doubt seen
>quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers’
>monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating,
>puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings,
>crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it’s a tough
>time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the
>violent urge to shove her boyfriend’s testicles into a George Foreman Grill
>just because he told her he thought Grey’s Anatomy was written by drunken
>chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that
>America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. Which
>brings me to the reason for my letter.
>
>Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach
>inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and
>there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: “Have a Happy
>Period.”
>
>Are you fucking kidding me?
>
>What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really
>think happiness-actual smiling, laughing happiness-is possible during a
>menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit
>pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M
>freak girl, there will never be anything “happy” about a day in which you
>have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your
>house just so you don’t march down to the local Walgreens armed with a
>hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For
>the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a
>moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say something
>that’s actually pertinent, like “Put Down the Hammer” or “Vehicular
>Manslaughter Is Wrong”? Or are you just picking on us?
>
>Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately,
>there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my
>maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your
>Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending
>bullshit. And that’s a promise I will keep. Always.
>
>Best,
>
>Wendi Aarons
>Austin, TX
l. Although I read Put Down the Hammer as a suggestion, lol.
