Today has been OK for a Monday. Had an email this morning telling me I’ve been upgraded to a Reporting User (thank you Steve) and then a little yellow truck arrived at work with my order from last week.
At the moment I have a pretty good stockpile of things that I like, so I decided to make this order all purely about experimentation. The first thing I pulled out of the bag was P123 - so that’s what I’ve run with so far today.
MON 29/09/09
Product name,scent and strength
P123, Akuto, 12.5 mcg
**11.20am **1.5 sprays to throat
**11.25am **Mild shakes – I’m not shaking, but I feel like I’m getting them
**11.27am **Feel a little anxious
**11.33am **Anxiety seems more anticipatory than nervous – like butterflies before a performance. I feel unsociable, too, but that could be Mondayitis
**11.34am **Am very internally focused – Monday again? Am just sitting here concentrating on work
**11.37am ****Just tried being sociable – felt forced **
**11.40am **Have almost a “fight or flight” feeling going on. Nervous energy to a degree
**11.41am **Now my focus is a bit all over the place – eyes are darting – like I’m the hunted….
**11.45am ****What is that smell?? Can’t put finger on it – chemical…. Is this the P123 or am I smelling something else I hadn’t noticed this morning. Coffee smells Ok, nothing wrong and no enhancement **
**11.47am **The anxiety is dropping off. An almost heavy, settled feeling coming over me now
**11.50 ****Another spray to throat – about 32mcg’s all up now **
**11.53am **Still unsociable, but more that I don’t “care” to talk. That smell is still there
**11.55am **Just read some jokes on email……didn’t feel like laughing in slightest
**12.02pm **That was a bit better – joked around with some staff members
**12.04pm **Eyes are still darting all over the place like I’m being hunted, although at the same time I feel much, much calmer
**12.21pm **Odd. I feel very neutral, neither happy or sad, just don’t care – and yet still have moments of that anxious energy coming through. Went for a smoke, stared down a guy in the street – not aggressive, was more like I was still looking at him thinking about things and didn’t feel any social requirement to look away
**12.25pm **Still odd – I feel anticipation and resignation at the same time….
**12.47pm **Another spray to throat (approx 45mcg) Still feel totally neutral towards everything
At 1pm I went to lunch with two girls from the office. Once I was actually talking the “unsociable” feelings I’d had pretty much disappeared. I have a feeling that was more down to it being Monday and having been cooped up at my desk all morning, rather than P123.
**The anxiety dropped off as well, just leaving the neutral, carefree feeling. I should point out, though, that I wouldn’t call this a good feeling even though it’s kind of cool to feel like you can say or do anything. Actually that might be why – it isn’t really that I’m feeling anything. Would be better if I was carefree because I was in a great mood….. **
Didn’t see anything from the girls I was with nor from anybody else.
Right now it’s approaching 4pm. I still have that neutral feeling and I can still smell that horrible chemical scent every now and then. I’ve tried thinking of happy things, sad things, sexy things…….. but I pretty much just feel neutral no matter what.
