Let’s face it. You suck at life. But don’t worry, I can help you out. My recovery program from sucking at life will set you on track in fifteen minutes or less, guaranteed.
What’s that, you say? You don’t think you suck at life? Admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery. So, shut up and read.
Step one. Read the fucking manual. Otherwise, you suck at life, and end up spending your time reading stupid threads by some guy named “Ball.” Once that happens, it’s over, man, game over. Asking questions is encouraged on this forum. But, if you’re a newbie, please read the Snook’s Big Book and the Basic Noob Phero Bootcamp, before you come on the forum and start asking questions. Most of the things you are probably wondering can be found in those guides. Otherwise, you’re just wasting time. You wouldn’t call up Hitachi and ask them how to plug in your new combination microwave/blender without looking at the instruction manual first, right? The same way you read the basic guides before you start asking, “What’s androstenone?” on the forum.
Step two. Give pheros a few good trials before you come on here and complain that they’re not working. This is one of the common ways in which people on this forum suck at life. Don’t use nine different pheromones on your first day and wonder why people tell you that you smell like Jamba Juice. Rule #1!!! Start with one spray of one pheromone at a time and work up from there. Okay, so I’m guilty of this one, but I’m trying to help others not suck at life as much as I do.
Step three. Please, please, please spend a little money and buy a decent cologne to cover up your pheromones with, especially -none. You may not realize it, but some of us can smell -none, and it smells awful. And covering it with cheap cologne doesn’t help one bit. Spend a bit of money, go to a department store and let the people there help you find one that works well with your personality. You’ll be glad you did. Your pheromones will be that much more effective if you smell nice. And then you won’t suck at life anymore.
Step four. Speling, “punctuation,” and also something I called grammar are important. Otherwise, you won’t get taken seriously and then you’ll feel lonely, depressed, frustrated, and angry. And you’ll suck at life and I’ll have to put you out of your misery. If your posts aren’t coherent, you won’t get your points across. And then that hot girl who was trying to lick Turn up the Heat off of your chest will end up breaking up with you because she couldn’t understand your email, and next thing you know you’re all alone, alone for so long, for years, years that have filled me with nothing but shame and sexual frustration …
Step five. Get your ass off the couch and into the shower. Brush your teeth and your hair. Pheromones won’t work if you look like a slob. You’ll do so much better across the board if you take a few minutes to improve your appearance. And then you won’t suck at life.
Step six. Please use the -none products sparingly. Especially if you’re a young guy. Learn your OD levels and stick to that - don’t haphazardly go wild with the -none products and wonder why you’re getting weird, or no, results. Or possibly your girlfriend reacts a little too well, and suddenly her sex drive goes through the roof, and she incorporates little bit of spanking, or in some cases, leaves you for dead chained to a desk in the middle of Mexico, so that you have to do terrible, horrible things to get a Coyote to smuggle you back into your own country.
Step seven. Sometimes pheromones work a little too well. That means don’t wear social pheros when you want to be taken seriously in business settings, and don’t wear large amounts of sexual ones to work. Or really wear anything at all to a costume ball, which you could have sworn was supposed to be an orgy, and next thing you know you’re a registered sex offender and nobody will hire you and you paranoid mothers won’t let their children near you. And you still suck at life.
Step eight. Experiment, try new things! Mix things together just to see what happens. Just be careful, or next thing you know, you aren’t quite sure what a certain sexual position is supposed to be, and so you guess. And sometimes, next thing you know, you’ve got the police and neighbors screaming at you, because doggy style doesn’t mean doing it outside on the lawn.
Step nine. Get the hell out of my office. I’ve helped you as much as I can.
Congratulations, you’ve completed my course and officially don’t suck at life anymore. You’ll get a certificate in 4-6 weeks.
