i need some instant male relaxant

Lounge
1

just need to vent some steam so i can continue about my day. it’s cool if you don’t want to read this.

anywho, last night i was having a great night and everything seemed to go well. i go to meet up with a girl (sarah from my journal) and her friends at a bar. they were hanging out with a guy who they use as a blocker, basically an AMOG, in case they are approached by weird random guys they don’t want to talk to. some of the girls were really drunk and thought it would be funny to tell this guy to come block me from sarah. sarah knew and approved, but wasn’t a fan of it. i did not know anything.

i show up and immediately i see this cat giving me an evil look. he naturally looks like a douchebag AMOG even when he’s being nice so i’m thinking to myself “hmm, AMOG wants to stand between me and sarah and give me an evil look? them’s fighting terms.” i match his glare with one of my own and turn up my frame control and presence a bit. he starts to back down a bit. my guys file in behind me and they give him looks too because they saw the same thing i did, plus one guy in my group had some old bad blood with him that never really got settled. he backs down completely and tries to blow it off by turning and laughing to some other friends.

at this current bar there was no mention of this guy. we’re all having a good time. then my guys and i leave to go to another bar, and a few minutes later sarah and her friends show up there. obviously this guy goes with them. i ask sarah who he is and she says he’s just some friend of her friends who they use as a blocker, and that’s when she told me about the girls telling this guy to block me. i told her he naturally looks like a guy who needs his butt whooped and the fact that he was trying to stand between me and her did not help his case. she said it was ok; he’s a good guy. i tried to calm down and not look at him for the rest of the night.

long story short one of sarah’s roommates (who was fairly drunk) apparently didn’t like the fact that i didn’t like her good friend (this guy) so she goes on this rant to sarah about something. in my report i said it was probably a jealousy hit fueled by my ih. sarah and her roommate are ok today; now it’s my turn to rage.

basically i don’t like how this one guy shows up from nowhere and gets very close to undoing almost everything i’ve come to accomplish with sarah.

if he kept looking at my group the wrong way, the guy with old bad blood probably would’ve started something and naturally we’d all help him out, and that would lead to an awkward situation. on the flip side, i assume this new guy is a bit jealous of me as well for making him back down so quick and he probably said something to sarah’s roommate about me, thus leading to her rant to sarah and the subsequent misunderstanding and my current rage.

i’m a naturally reserved guy and will not start any trouble, but if things come down to that i can hold my own. thanks to you if you’ve read this far; i just had to get this all down and tell somebody (or an entire forum) and i think my wall is tired of listening to me. :roll_eyes:

ack. douchebag guys suck.

2

What an ass.

3

haha, didn’t know people actually read this thing. thanks for the support djandarial. :smiley: it’s kinda funny as even with posting this here, i still couldn’t quite get everything off my chest. iirc this was the thursday (?) before valentine’s day. on that friday sarah and i went to a pre-v day party and before we left we were pregaming at my place alone. i had told her i was ok with everything but i didn’t want to fake it anymore so i sat her down and said “look, what you and your friends did was pretty dick. things could’ve ended up real bad over a stupid and unfunny joke.”

turns out she had no idea her friends were doing this. when i asked her at the 2nd bar, she knew then but at the original bar where this went down, she did not know. she agreed with me and said if she had known, she would’ve stopped it or at least warned me about the joke. whew. after that little chat i was finally completely at ease about this and we ended up having a great time at the party.

4

Yea, I’m a real bad example. I have been in a few bar confrontations, but I fight dirty I usually grab a hold of a bar stool and use that since I workout with 30 and 40lb dumbbells…

It is not a pretty sight, but it happens so quick it has never failed me. If someone asks me what happened I tell them every single time with no emotion, “He grabbed my thigh”.

I have never had repercussions against me lol, I was defending myself just as a female is entitled to.

Funny huh?

5

Yeah I suppose there’s two real ways of handling this situation that I can think of…

You could pretend like your completely oblivious to the fact that he’s being an ass and try your hardest to buddy to the douche, and with any luck after a few beers he’ll warm up to you and stop acting like the douchebag that he is, and thus allowing you to put your focus back on Sarah.

Or you could do like djamdrial suggested and bash his face in with a bar stool. But keep in mind if you do decide to go that direction remember it may feel really good but you’ll probably end up blowing your chances with the girl.

Either way if you run into him again make sure your wearing a buttload of A314…

6

Hey man, I feel ya. First off, it was a stupid joke. I could make guesses at why the girls wanted to pull that joke, perhaps they don’t feel like you’re right for Sarah, or maybe they’re trying to test you. Either way, it’s a shitty surprise. Who knows?

I wouldn’t fault you for responding the way you did. The guy gave you an evil look to begin with. However, you had your choice of response. You could have done as you did and respond aggressively. Or you could just have blown him off and focused your attention on Sarah and the rest of the girls w/o ruffling the other guys feathers. If your friend and the dude got into a fight, that’s a different story, but if you had taken the lead and ignored him, your friend probably would have done the same.

Sarah’s roommate bitching about how you acted towards ‘douche’ is irrational taking into account they set up the joke. Drunk people, though girls have a tendency to be more dramatic about it, make irrational decisions. Maybe she forgot it was all a joke to begin with.

Personally, I would just have concerned myself with Sarah. If ‘douche’ wanted to really make something out of it, Sarah probably would have put him in place for you and vouch for you, only elevating your status and lowering his.

So basically, even though they set up the joke, it was your reaction to the joke that sparked the reactions you received. You may have been trying to turn up your frame control, but you did exactly the opposite. You let douche’s actions control your frame. You reacted to him. As you said, you tried hard to not even look at him. It was a joke, when you found out, why didn’t your reaction change? You were still stuck in the past, thinking of dude as ‘douche’. When you realized it was a joke, you could easily have gone over to him, and just said ‘Hey man, I found out you were just playing. What’s up? Wanna chill over some beers?’ If he was still aggressive towards you, then he’s really being a dick then.

Feel me?

7

good thoughts here, and you make some valid points. can’t say i disagree with any of them but perhaps i can clear up/explain my pov on some.

frame control: i actually don’t know if this is the right phrase for it. i’ve only heard it used in PUA, which i don’t even follow. what i was shooting for is more presence, aka not letting anybody walk over me. he thought he was being all hard and tough the way he usually acts when he truly is blocking the girls from a creeper; normally the creepers back down but i’m not a creeper so i’ve no reason to back down. i most likely just didn’t do it correctly.

“douche” and resulting reaction: yes, in a sense i brought this upon myself. two main reasons: 1. he just looks like a douche. he’s one of those guys who picks shirts a half size too small, if you know what i’m talking about. at the second bar after all this happened he had a smirk on his face (not directed toward me) and no matter how hard i tried, every time i just looked at him, i got bad feelings. 2. personal experience. i was in a situation once where a girl’s ex-bf started off at her party cool and then got less cool as the drinks flowed. we ended up having to bounce him before he started beef with everyone there. i didn’t know who this (douche) guy was so my defenses went up and after the fact, i was riding on my adrenaline.

i haven’t seen him since but after the talk with sarah, i’m over it. can’t say i’ll buddy up with him anytime soon but i’ll tolerate him. sarah’s friend gave me and her a huge apology a few days later and now she knows that guys react differently to girl humor than girls do.

i really appreciate you guys coming in to the thread and giving me some feedback on this. :o

8

I’m not a PUA either, so honestly, I could be wrong about it. I’ve only heard the term in PUA and NLP. A quick search brings up these quotes:

In the context of “douche” and the girls, you may have had a stronger frame by not letting the “douche” harass you, but you lost your frame to the overall group frame of the ‘joke’. You were pissed the whole time, the group’s frame, in a sense took over your frame. Instead of thinking, “forget it, it doesn’t matter, let’s just party”, you let that interaction get to you. It changed the meaning of the social outing. Even now, you wouldn’t be chill with “douche” apparently.

Some of my shirts are a little small. :o I’ve just outgrown them though, I know the guys you’re talking about. :smiley:

Yeah, some people, when they get liquored up, get stupid. But just cause the guy’s shirt is a size too small and all that, doesn’t mean he couldn’t be a really good guy to know. When they actually start acting stupid, that’s when you take action to stop it.

That’s cool, I don’t know what kind of ‘girl humor’ that was. I’m not sure a girl would have reacted any differently…she just would have used different words to describe the girl. Bitch..whore..I dunno…maybe douche, who knows? :stuck_out_tongue:

Either way, it sounds like it’s working out. Cool for you. :slight_smile:

9

Im sorry that you were affected badly by this guy.
“Im just a girl” err got Gwen in my head sorry…
but I dont get this whole staring down, moose fighting territorial stuff.
Honestly if something like a “beat down” happened in a public place, like a bar, somebody could get really hurt and/or end up being arrested.

It’s really not worth it, sure it looks sexy in the movies but in real life? Not so much. It will look like you care more about this doods stare down and youre getting caught up in that and letting your pride get the best of you, than being w/Sarah.
This guy cant undo what you have w/Sarah, but how you react to him can.

Id just focus on your intentions and relationship w/Sarah. Nevermind this “cockblocker”, you know? Be above him, take the high road, Sarah will respect and appreciate that much more in the end.

Kill’em with kindness, if you react to his attitude he will know he’s gotten to you. I think it’s better to difuse the situation than feed into it.

I keep picturing a scene from West Side Story and a bunch thugs snapping their fingers and cooly dancing, and then two moose getting ready to head butt.

Just try to keep it all in perspective.
Good luck! :cool:

10

i havent heard anyone mention Sara in terms of her involvement in this.

im thinking this isnt so much about what you or the dink is doing,
this is more about what Sara ISNT doing…

the girl got to speak up and decide if she wants this kind of behaviour from her friends to continue.

are you telling me her friends are totally acting out of character?
if so, i have to wonder why.

if they are naturally sneaky or problematic, what the hell is Sara hanging with them for?

either way,
Sara got stuff to handle, after all -
you ARE the company you keep.

11

great input from the female pov, thanks ashes and lor.

my circle of friends and i aren’t fighters, and this happened at one of my favorite bars and i would hate to see our pictures on the wall by the door next time we went. deep down inside we all know to keep our cool but i guess it’s the “protect our territory” vibe creeping up on us.

as for what sarah did (or didn’t) do, that’s probably the part that bothered me the most. she could’ve easily called me beforehand to warn me of the joke or at least given me a knowing smile while standing behind the dink in my field of view. after the situation cooled down i was still a bit raged as to why she didn’t do anything. i didn’t want to direct my rage at her at the time so i kept it in. the next day when we were getting ready to go to the party i sat her down and told her how disappointed i was in her lack of action and how terrible it was to think something like this would be funny, when in reality it could put some people in bad situations.

here’s the thing: at the time that the dink kept giving me looks, she didn’t know. her friends weren’t being snarky or anything and trying to do this behind her back, and from what i found out later it was the sole idea of that one drunk girl; she told the dink before she told anyone else. sometime between me leaving the first bar and them showing up at the second, her friends filled her in. that’s why when i asked what the dink was doing, she was able to answer me (and this unintentionally brought up my rage). back to present time, during our pre-party talk she agreed with everything i said and pleaded for me to realize that had she known, she definitely would’ve done something primarily to stop it and not let it happen in the first place, and if things progressed she would’ve given me warning. from her perspective at the first bar, the dink was just her roommate’s friend, she thought he was just standing around like usual and obviously did not catch the glares toward me.

talking it out with her really helped, just like talking it out with you guys has really helped.

12

id like to think you would chime in with a male-perspective if i needed you :slight_smile:

im glad you and Sarah talked.
communication ought to be the biggest player in our actions.
keep your standards high.

we wear our integrity on our sleeves :wink:

13

Jay,
Im glad you talked to her and everything is straightened out. Sometimes we jump to conclusions especially when we feel we are being disrespected and our feelings get hurt.

Talking really can be an amazing thing. :stuck_out_tongue: