I have a habit of rambling or making large posts so I will try my hardest to keep this short. There is a connection to A314 so please stick with me..
For as long as I remember I’ve been the one that wanted to take charge. When I was 8 or so I started my own window washing business that “employed” 5 or so other kids. Motor-mouth was my nickname and I was known to never sit still. My Kindergarten teacher hated me (she’d get red in the face during parent-teacher conferences). My fourth grade social studies teacher felt the same about me. I created “bases” in the woods and I’d always have to be the one to rule it… I made the rules during games… etc.
And from early on I was labeled as gifted… I refused to do any work so they kicked me out of the gifted program.
For one reason or another… I stopped being all of that. Thinking back, it must have been mid to late Middle School when I joined a baseball team and was constantly made fun of for sucking.. then the girls in school made fun of me for whatever reason.
Now I’m 24 and I am slowly getting my abilities back… I’m still smart… that never changed. I got my BS in mathematics.
I’m slowing figuring out how to feel confident just for the sake of feeling confident.. when I am alone, I know how to keep and maintain that “winning” feeling even if I haven’t won anything. If I feel that I am not going to be bothered, I can walk down a street and look like I own the place (you know what I am talking about… great posture, smooth walk, hips forward but not too much, etc).
A lot of it is helped when I eat the right foods to get my testosterone flowing (eggs, steak, peanut butter, etc).
I am not a wanna-be alpha that’s really beta… as I said, I’ve been a “take charge” person all my life. At school (before I got disgruntled or whatever) I used to have to be that kid that had the highest grades, knew everything 2 weeks in advance, and be the tutor. When I worked at FedEx, I was always the fastest truck unloader. When I worked at Wal-Mart, I had to be the guy in charge when my supervisor was out for the day. On and on…
Now for the point of this thread… while I still have that alpha mentality, I’ve grown to become anxious around people that I am not comfortable with… and that’s probably true of all people. However, the big problem is that it can take me FOREVER to get comfortable around someone. If I am 1v1 with someone, I can do it pretty quick. But if is 2 or more, it could take weeks, months, or never.
And to top it all off, I walk around with a constant irritibility… it’s to the point that even if I want to get to know someone, my irritability makes it where I don’t care enough to know someone… stick to “business only”.. and shy away from any real human relationships. This irritability probably stems from my anxiety… because I am always feeling “hurried” even for no reason… so my first reaction to any person wanting to get to know me is “I got to go!!!”
Now, what does this have to do with A314? Well I bought it and have been using it for a week or so. I notice that when I wear it, the high school girls that I work with talk to me and smile at me. They never did this when I am not wearing it. Also, people at work tend to get out of my way even when I just intended to walk around them. I’m already an alpha at work so I can notice that I make an even larger presence while on a314.
Well, ok.. that’s probably all this thread has to do with a314… but I wanted to post in here because we all use a314 and, for the most part, we’re all leaders or alphas of some sort.
My question is… how can I get to the root cause of my social anxiety and be able to communicate on multiple levels? When it comes to talking about things I know about (like math, science, current events, philosophy) I can ramble on and on and on. But when it comes to small talk or flirting.. I don’t care. I used to go to a lot of college parties to try to learn to be “normal” but I found that I just could not understand how people could talk forever about nothing.
And I understand what flirting is all about… I will make flirting comments.. but I don’t understand how one could go through the whole process of it… I guess it’s because my patience is so small? Skydiving, rock climbing, driving 90mph, dirt biking riding, sledding down steep hills, road trips, etc. are all fun to me. Flirting is just boring to me.
I’ve tried to find people to relate to but all through college I failed to do so.
I need to stop typing.