IO and Instant Honesty with a girlfriend during a rough patch: relationship advice

Field Reports & Anecdotal Experience Men's Pheromone Advice & Field Reports
1

First, the mix:

1 spray of IO on each wrist
2 sprays of IH x2 on the neck (front and back)

Since my father passed away in early January, the fledgling relationship I was in has been teetering. I emotionally pulled back and my g/f could completely tell.

We had been working on it, but the “L” word was not being used anymore.

She’s been hinting all week that it had been awhile since she had seen me. Work is stressful, being that I’m at a retailer’s corp office. Family matters have been upsetting since dad’s passing, and I’m still having trouble ridding myself of my ex’s ghost since last August. (We work at the same office and she’s dating someone else from our office now.) On top of all that, my tax money is bailing out what feels like everyone but me and my job security. (B&M Retail is HURTING.) There are rumors of a 2nd round of layoffs tomorrow.

With all the stress I’m feeling, I told my girl that I think I’d come back to normal if she didn’t pressure me and just let me relax around her again. (She had been pressuring me for status updates almost daily to make sure I wasn’t going to break up with her…which wasn’t helping.)

Anywho…even with all that baggage, my g/f is giving me the hints that I should come over because I haven’t seen her in a while. I got a steamy MMS, along with teasing that I should come over a few nights ago when she knew I could not.

So we make dinner plans at her place tonight. Work’s a bitch and I’m late. Stressed, we watch a bit of TV together and she goes upstairs to get ready for her early bedtime.
I go upstairs as she’s finishing up and give her the alpha male treatment she likes: push her down on the bed and start the affection.

She responds well, but stops me before things get really intimate.

We go back downstairs and watch more TV.

I try teasing some more and she’s just physically not responding well anymore.

Then it comes out.

“Um…<silence for 30 seconds>…so…do you think you’re any closer to using the “L” word again?”

Geez, talk about a mood killer. I actually felt like relaxing and coming around emotionally for a bit, then I feel the pressure again. She knows I had a rotten day. (Found a $20,000 mistake that “might” have saved a job had I caught it sooner.) But telling me she wants me to get physical with her then holding it hostage until I tell her everything’s fine is just plain sadistic. I sat there and said I didn’t know how to answer the question. I felt baited. Then she put her nose in my neck, recognized it wasn’t the usual mix containing TUTH, asked if I was wearing my pheros, then said it was nice.

:roll_eyes:

I gave her a backrub and then went home. Thanks IH, next time tell her to shut up. :slight_smile:

Thanks for listening!

2

Damn… What a horrible side effect from honesty! Give her some raw power or instant jerk treatment next time! haha just kidding. If you do end up loving her, forget I said that. Either way, scary to hear that manipulative a comment come out. Is she always like that or did it just come out by way of the honesty?

3

She’s feeling vulnerable. Very vulnerable. And I slipped a few weeks ago in a drunken stupor and mentioned I felt like I was in a college relationship. (She’s inexperienced in real life dating, IMO.)

I don’t think she was trying to manipulate, but find a more comfortable zone with being near/with me. I don’t fault her at all. But I really didn’t want that moment of truth at the time that it happened.

I used to think IH was snake oil. It sure bit me in the butt tonight. It did exactly what it claims to do: bring out the inner conversation that you would not have otherwise heard, for better or worse.

I will say that IH seems to be MUCH more evident when TUTH is not getting in the way.

4

It is normal for guys and gals to get clingy when their partner pulls away. It is normal to pull away more when you feel pressured. It is just a shitty time. Sorry to hear about your father’s passing and I hope your job situation stabilizes.

Diane

5

Hey wilks, nice to see you are still around, we’ve missed you, keep your chin up and keep fighting!

You know what, I found a great truth in my relationship thanks to IH, without going into deeply personal issues, I was trying to hold on too tight and what she needed was space, once I realised this and gave her space, a lot of our issues were resolved.

She actually sat me down and told me to listen to the lyrics of Snow Patrol’s track ‘Chasing Cars’ and three lines still stick in my mind, ‘those three words, are said too much, they’re not enough’ Just because she doesn’t say ‘I love you’ ten times a day, doesn’t mean that she doesn’t love me.

Relationships never run smooth, if you don’t come across problems, you aren’t communicating enough with each other. Use the IH and deal with what comes out of it, good or bad.

As for the sex, I get the impression that you just came up against the old male/female issue where us guys need to have sex to feel the emotional bond, the girls need to feel the emotional bond before they make love. You are both going to have to meet in the middle somewhere :wink:

6

If I survive whatever layoffs seem imminent, I’ll take you out for a beer. (That is, if you’re near our office in Windsor, and they pay me to fly out there.)

Thanks for the cheers, mate. It’s been a rough run of things.
You’re spot on as far as men = mars, women = venus…and it drives me nuts.

Note to all, I’m not bashing IH at all. It’s just been bringing out a lot of powerful conversations. I’m venting a bit because I wasn’t seeing JACK #$% with IH until I stopped pairing it up with TUTH, then the floodgates opened. For better or worse, it’s definitely a truth serum.

7

This is going to sound cheesy, but trust me. Get a copy of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. It talks a lot about the “pulling away” concept mentioned by others above, and despite being Oprah book club fodder, it has a lot of good stuff for both you and your g/f to consider, if you can smoothly suggest she read it. You should read it first. While my own marriage ended up not being recoverable, I did manage to learn a thing or two from that book that will surely help me out in future relationships.

-D4

8

Not a whole lot i can add here so I will just highlight:

Instant Honesty will bring out whatever is on the other person’s mind, good or bad, opportune or inopportune time. One of my favorites but it can bite you on the butt sometimes.

You are right she is feeling vulnerable right now. You are very stressed and need some room. She feels threatened and is getting clingy as a result. Diannne and Diamond both make good points. This status quo can become a relationship death spiral unless you guys have a good discussion ala Diamond where she gets reassured you are not walking out but need room to deal with a LOT of stuff mostly unrelated to her. The ex dating someone else in the office bothering you kinda does relate to her …

And Diamond is also right - you are running into the male/female which comes first, the sex or the emotional connection issue.

9

My advice: Just sit her down, look her in the eye, and tell her, “Everything is going to be okay.” Or have her tell you that. It’ll do wonders, I promise.

Diane

10

Exactly. Listen to the lady … and maybe me.

11

not for nothing,

but your gal is in this weird position of
not knowing whether she is giving you too much space
or
not enough and maybe thats why she isnt hearing the L word.

i agree with Diane that she just needs to hear everything is going to be ok,
and then you can get on with taking care of you.
if you dont take care of you,
who will?