Hey all!
I have an interesting case and would love your expertise guidance on what mones I could/should experiment with. Here’s our story (I noticed you ask for details for context to better recommend what we should try):
We started dating over 3 yrs ago and have had a rough go since then. We are completely compatible emotionally, intellectually, and otherwise – our personalities match quite well and we normally have a great time together doing anything or nothing at all – we can converse for hours on a ton of topics. In fact, we were acquaintances for quite a few years before we started dating. Our best friends are brother and sister. He would visit my house with his best friend (I lived with MY best friend) and find himself always hanging out with me instead. We enjoy the same types of music, like playing video games together, like the same types of movies, have the same and some different hobbies, etc – it just works. I should note, he is in his early/mid 20’s and I’m in my mid 30’s, but it hasn’t seemed to affect anything. I have a 5 yr old daughter (not his.) We have lived together most of this time (he moved in quite early as he was going to be homeless – long story. I’ve helped him MASSIVELY with getting his life together – get a license, repair his credit, get a car, a much better job, etc, and we’re all in a better, more adult place now).
Now for the not-so-great side. There’s always been some huge life crisis happening during our 3 yrs of dating. Initially he wanted to work but I wanted him to stay home and watch my daughter to save money on daycare. He never expressed his anger about this until a year later and holds a grudge to this day. Later I lost my job and we struggled for over a year – we also were forced to move during this time. We just got to a better place and it was seemingly slowly getting better for 3 months until I was advised by my boss that we all had to take a pay cut for the next few months – I’m getting paid half of my salary. Back to life-crisis mode. It’s a seemingly never ending cycle.
As for his personality – he’s young, and I get that. So I try to get him to go out w his friends, to DO things, so he doesn’t feel like he’s missing out on life. Go camping, to the bar, the strip club, IDC, just go live life. He never goes out and when I make the suggestion he thinks I want him out of the house to cheat on him. FYI anytime I do anything like try to look nice, try to get him to go out, etc, he thinks I’m cheating (also FYI we have security cameras all over the house and I work from home and barely get out, so this seems silly.) He personally was never scarred in a past relationship to have this mindset and I never cheated on him, so it’s an odd mindset. His mother did cheat on his dad, though, so we think it stems from there. But it’s bad – he checks my phone sometimes, etc, which I’m fine with, and gets jealous about arbitrary conversations. I can elaborate, but the things he gets angry about are ridiculous (such as a smiley face I sent to my daughter’s father 6 months ago when I made a joke. Nothing in the actual words I said to be jealous of, the smiley face drove him off a cliff). PS, I talk to this man maybe once every 6 months to send him updates on his daughter.
He suffers from (untreated) clinical depression. His mom seems to have this as well. He’s told me that nothing really excites him anymore, he’s always bored. He has fleeting moments of happiness. On a regular day you can find him cycling thru scrolling thru facebook, playing guitar AND watching Netflix all at once, just to find some stimulation. Unfortunately, he attributes this to our relationship and not his depression. He forgets that, when we were broken up for 3 months, and prior to our dating, he was still depressed and bored. a bit happier without more responsibilities, yes, but depression and boredom remained.
I don’t nag and handle most of the chores because I don’t want to make him mad. He’s a slob and really doesn’t do much around here unless he’s in a good mood. When in a good mood, he’s great. Reason below.
He is a rollercoaster, it’s tough to know what BF I’m going to encounter on any given day. Sometimes he’s warm, cuddly, helpful, and just wonderful, and other days he’s distant and hateful. He has anger issues and drinks alcohol (he has cut down.) When the drinking and anger collide, he explodes, screams hateful, hurtful things, blames me for everything wrong with the relationship, and threatens to leave. He seems to suffer from NSO (negative sentiment override.) Here’s a good article explaining it in context of both social relationships and intimate. No matter what I say or do, he registers a negative connotation to it. He hates when I help him with things SOMETIMES (so I never know what is ok to help with and what is not) and he hates that, when we’re discussing relationship issues, I write down his concerns so I can look at them and think about how I can address them later to better myself (quote: “you write it down like you think you’re a f’ing psychologist or something, you think you f’ing know everything.”) He seems to “hate” a lot of inconsequential things or things that others wld love or find positive, which is why my therapist thinks it’s def NSO. He’s almost a classic Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. We’d be great together if he could get past the NSO and we could get rid of Mr. Hyde. Because, otherwise, he’s a great person.
He’s gone to 2 therapists who have said “we’ll if you’re not happy then leave” within 1 45 minute session (and he only did 1 session each). Yeah – if I heard everything from his context only I’d say the same. Neither dug into his very obvious depression. From how he explained it, each session was him telling the therapist what he didn’t like about the relationship and me and it ending with “you should just leave then.” No asking WHY, no digging into his own issues or psyche. He’s agreed to couples counseling. On good days, he realizes I’m a great partner, he’s lucky to have me, and he’s said his quality of life is much higher with me. On bad days, I’m boring, useless, and noone would want to be with me (but I’m cheating on him, right? LOL).
I know leaving is an option, but I’ve put SO much into this relationship (I could write a novel) and we are actually incredibly compatible, that I want to try to repair it before I walk away. I figured, while we try some other changes, I thought it would be interesting to experiment with some pheromones to see if they can aid in those changes or help with his perceptions of me on his bad days.
Sexual attraction is not an issue, but it can always help. The days he’s attracted he seems to be more open, nicer, etc. He’s almost definitely lost respect for me (understandably so, as I’ve been bending over backwards to accommodate his depression.) So, something that can boost respect would help. Unsure if IO or IH wld be good or bad – I try to get him to be communicative but he seems to bottle it up and burst with BRUTAL honesty later. At this point convos are impossible as he is in “screaming and not listening” mode, so maybe it wld help him be more open in real time? Longshot, but maybe something to help with his mood, since he’s going untreated? Something to make him just happier around me? Or wld that not help for ppl with depression? Interesting to experiment with, if not already. Also think something to assist with bonding/closeness wld help as well. And something that wld make him actually want to be around me, as the days he gets past the depression and NSO and wants to be around me we have a great time. Whenever we are apart (if I’m out or he is – not work but if wither of us is doing something social) he seems to miss me, so something to create that longing affect (fallout?) might be incredibly helpful in helping him get over his NSO. Also, I think it’s worth noting he’s an anomaly in that seems to like strong, confident, interesting Alpha women, but he doesn’t actually like to be beta and wants to call all the shots himself and do what he wants to do. In other words, loves alpha women but won’t seem to play second chair to anyone. I was Alpha at the beginning and he said I was a bitch then, and now I’m beta and he’s lost respect. Paradox.
This is a bit of an uphill battle with therapy and instituting changes, etc, but he seems to be open to try whatever he can, and I’m just here wondering if there are any mones that might throw an assist in the process. =) Thanks for your help all, looking forward to hearing your thoughts!
