p90, 2nd report
Here you go Steve, a fresh report on p90, with me still dazed and confused! lol.
Steve wanted more feedback on p90 and since it’s my day off, I figured why the heck not? In total I sprayed myself with about 75 mcg today (probably a bit more), with a bath in between.
Here in LA, it has been around 87-90 degrees. Any home not air conditioned is going to be an oven. I woke up around 11am. Read Steve’s post about wanting more info so I figured what the hey, best day to do it right? I wanted to see if it would alter my empathy while watching a movie. I put on Bill Murry’s “The man who knew too little” as it has been forever since I watched it. One 15mcg spray to my throat. Turned the movie on. The fan is whirring in the backdrop aimlessly blowing air. I can’t say I felt more in tune with the characters but I zoned out the rest of the real world. I completely forgot my surroundings until I was distracted. The movie was all I could focus on and it felt very much “my reality”.
An hour or so in, I gave myself another 15mcg spray. The self effects I noticed was everything felt a bit more dream like. I was present and focused, but in the way only possible in a dream, with a haze. My vision while perfectly normal, felt like it was frosted at the edges. In a way, it is akin to a Tilt-shift lens. Tried to watch another film, but I was distracted by the heat and food. I felt focused enough to notice my cats were overheating, so I gave them quick cool baths so they’d be okay. I’m surprised they didn’t struggle as much, or rather, the ones that give me trouble didn’t and the easy going ones flailed. I gave myself a shower after.
I went skating a few hours later around 6:30. Wrapped up around 9. I wanted to wait afterwards to spray on more P90. Went to supermarket tired and sweaty. Sprayed 15 mcg. A split second of what I can only describe as being hit with a pan and changing scenes. I walk inside, get detergent and lemonade. The lines are incredibly long. 4 check stands open and each has 10+ people. As I stand in line, I’m noticing various insignificant details about the door, the woman ahead of me, lights, etc. I pull out my phone and check emails/text. I zoned out and didn’t realize I had been in line for 5-10 minutes while on the phone. I was in my own bubble. Snapped back, tried to pay attention to the woman ahead of me. A cute mom with her kid no older than 13 and I think the mom’s dad. Noticed magazine racks. Thought to myself “how bizarre, my boss is responsible for stuff like this.”
I come home and pack my stuff to go to the laundromat. I head to the laundromat, shove everything in the washers, start. Next spray at 15 mcg. That’s 30 so far. I figured I would do it after the loads were started, wouldn’t want to screw that up. I forgot my bedtime shorts anyway. damn it. I pick up an evolutionary psych book on desire and make it a few pages. I read each word carefully. I only made it 3-4 pages in. It’s a re-read anyway. I’m fidgeting around the laundromat, going in and out because it’s hot. I feel like I’ve lost track of time. No matter what a clock said, it felt like the wrong time. Popped things in the dryer, popped things out. The time doesn’t feel congruent with the time I read.
I fold my clothes. It feels automatic. The world has that frosted dream concentration again. I’m solely focused on my clothes. Even when I wanted to call my friend while folding, I didn’t and at the same time, couldn’t. I could not get myself to make that all. I had to pack everything up in my car for it to be okay. I made the call. She’s coming over. She’s the girl who was affected by my MX297+ammo trial.
It’s been an hour and a half since the last spray. Even though I told myself it had only been half an hour. Uh. that can’t be right. 45 Mcgs now. I’m not feeling quite right. I talk to her, but I’m having difficulty voicing my thoughts, being my usual witty self. Not as friendly, touchy, talkative as she was with the attraction mix, so that gave me an interesting frame of reference. But she did hold my hand while walking down the laundromat. Odd. I neg her some, but it feels less calculated and uncharacteristically slower.
We talked for a good hour or so. She walks me to my car. And then asks for a ride back to her car 60 ft away lol. I tease her. Drove to her car and pulled in. We talked about the guy she liked at starbucks having been laid off. She’s sad but I tell her it’s okay, it’s a fresh start, no worries. I have a small car, and the mones I think are getting to her. She’s quieter. She’s usually a chatty latin fireball of words. I roll down the window to air things out. We sat quiet in the car mostly for what was probably 10-15 minutes, but it felt like longer. I was starting to feel highly unusual at this point. While she talked, it felt like there was a chasm between us. She was a foot or two away, but it felt like 5-10 feet. It felt like she was so distant and far away, arms crossed. I couldn’t make myself move or talk much as I was so concentrated on this unusual feeling. I only get this feeling late at night sometimes with my eyes closed and the world, the bed, etc feels so far away and I feel so small.
She said she needed sleep and would be going. She opens the car door. Her leg hurts, and I pick her up and walk to her car. In she goes. She blows me a kiss and asks when I would be at the starbucks again. Friday? She’s still mentioning the barista. The feeling of distance dissipated as soon as I got out of the car. I popped into my car, and drove off behind her. I nearly hit her car twice in the parking lot. lol. I drove home, and signaled to make a left into my apartment at a dead end…uh…why? So spacy. I drag my clothes in, put everything away, get the bed ready, and shower off the P90. The effects are still lingering as I feel this report is hazy, lacking clarity and a bit tough for me to hone in on right. But while it is fresh in my mind, I wanted to write and share.
