((((((BIG HUG))))))
It’s OK that people have different view points. It makes us who we are. I like you a lot because you do have a different way of thinking than I do. It allows me to stop and think about what you believe in which helps me grow as a person. You’re going through a difficult period right now, but in time it will serve you to better yourself from. Right now its just important to grieve.
Personally, I always thought this was the whole point of being on the planet. I have since been re-educated . . . precious few care about anything beyond the moment.
Advice on how to identify love?
How do I know? Beyond “you will know when you know.” Beyond “when you can’t stand to be without them.”
I don’t know if I’m capable of it. I don’t know if I’m overguessing things, if it’s the ADHD interfering, if…
I’ve followed my ‘heart/instinct’ before and been oh-so-wrong.
So I’m trying to think a bit about it. I’ve very little relationship experience–how can the next one that works (so far) be the right one? Or rather I should say two since they both cropped up simultaneously. How do I know if one or both are right? How much “little irking things” is ‘okay?’ I know some compromises are okay and normal and necessary. How much of what bothers me is my ADHD and how much is unacceptable?
Anyway, I’ve given myself leeway in this last 1-2 months when life went all to hell, and not worried about life decisions.
This bothers me, but I don’t want to get it wrong. 
I’m rambling, I know. I’m a bit distraught, I’m quite tired, and mostly adrift.
its only wrong if you allow it to be wrong. Even when things are not what we expected we can learn from them. Heartbreak happens! Believe ME, I know. I was able to springboard from it and learn. Whatever path you take, I do hope its the path less traveled.
Frost had it right 
By not being ‘wrong’ I meant, if I second guess myself, stop dating a guy who was actually right for me; if I screw up an opportunity.
Exactly what I am saying. I always let things play out as they will. By second guessing them you are thinking them out, and we cannot think the future for one simple reason: It hasn’t happened yet. So if you think it out and you stop dating the guy, you are therefore in effect allowing it to be wrong.
Everybody should have a little heartbreak in their lives. The contrast allows us to experience love with passion and more desire. 
Umm, well I’m dating more than one, and I think they both want exclusivity, but we’ve not had a conversation about it. I want to be ready when they do bring it up. And it’s been 6 months for both (they kinda happened simultaneously). And I’m not sure either is right. Mostly, I like and care for them both, and don’t want to hurt either. 
Thanks, though.
Hey Sunshine. Sorry to hear you’re in a conundrum. This is something that you need to sort out - whether you need to think or do other things. One of the things that was put to me with the ‘irksome things’ was this: magnify the things that bug you by a year, two or five. If the habit / trait is bearable by those standards; then you make a choice.
It’s simplifying things, I know. But for those things that can grow into (worst case scenario, and NOT saying that’s what you’re looking at) repetitive abusive situation. By that I mean, if the other persons’ flippant about your feelings/health/priorities; then obviously this is either a) unacceptable or b) needs to be opened to discussion for a better resolution.
All I know is that when you don’t have a history or if you have a bad track record with your own instincts (this is me); just doing the opposite of what you know or have done isn’t necessarily the right thing. From my own experience, I did the opposite of one of my alleged “role models” and found out that just because she did things one way, doesn’t make the opposite necessarily ‘right’.
I know as a scientist you don’t want to hear this but: We get what we need. To learn, grow, blossom and evolve. It’s almost never what you think you want; and sometimes we confuse habit with the ‘need to work things out’. You wouldn’t be the amazing person you are without the particular past that you have.
Sounds like you need a Girls Night In . . . You can always PM me; and just vent . . .
So glad to see your post, sorry you’re feeling so conflicted.
Astrea, you are amazing!
One’s kind of boring: prefers hiking, camping, dining out, and nights in. I want to explore, travel, learn new things, and to stay in and cook together.
The other’s also ADHD, and so will ramble on about things I don’t give a damn for, mostly because he’s told me the stories before. Also, I’m not sure exactly why/how, but he lives too close to the wire, financially, for my comfort. I can’t ever again be the major/sole breadwinner while I’m still a student–it puts too much stress on me. Again, I want to be able to go snowboarding, to travel, to take lessons in kiteboarding together, etc.
I started seeing both 6 months before my BEST friends finagled it out of me, that’s how private I am–granted they’re all out of town.
With both I can be open and honest, but I DO have to be able to figure out my own mind first. They’re both sweet, kind, considerate, and affectionate. Mr. ADHD had two kids too, and forgets to return calls/texts or charge his phone, when communication is all we have–he’s still in SoCal. Mr. Local has self-described trust issues an physical I sensitivities that make certain ‘achievements’ difficult for him, which sort of dampens my drive.
My past instincts were beyond crap, but I DO know merely acting opposite to them is also not necessarily ‘right’.
I’ll have to differentiate ‘get what I need’ from ‘…need to work out.’. (I don’t mind hearing that at all. I get premonitiary dreams, so I’m not entirely analytical.
See? You got it! Use the scientific method to to expose the real emotional issues. A wholistic approach - which in my mind helps more fully than just ‘going with your heart’. I like breaking things down like that; it takes the edge off the emotional confusion. Which then leaves your needs better exposed.
I have been accused (
) of being emotionally rational. It was meant as an insult - ‘tainting’ the emotional process - but I find this works best for me and my needs. I don’t need to repeat things or situations that I feel I’ve made clear to myself as something undesirable in my life. However dilute it may appear in the ‘re-run’.
You know what you want; out of your life and recreation. These may be only progress markers, indicators of better matches to come. You’re new on the dating scene - sample the smorgasbord; there’s no hurry for a decision with these two. If either of them are hurrying you - what’s their agenda?
I’m trying to sample. I’ve just never dated anyone and been the one to break up with them (except my ex, but that was YEARS too late 
). My worry is that I won’t figure out what’s an ‘acceptable’ ratio of mildly irksome quirks to great match. It look at it like this:
Pretend there are five categories. Each ‘contestant’ must have at least 50% in each category, and at least 75% (above one standard deviation from ‘average’ ) in the other four, for a total average of ≥70%. My problem is weighting the things that fall into the categories, and trying to figure out what’s the maximum possible (reasonable to maximally expect) in each for a human being? Is it 98%? 95, 90, 85%, etc., so what’s the relative weight? (I’m not truly using numbers, that would be too damned difficult and analytical.) Plus, you have to factor in the percent of the good-for-me population that’s actually available, physically, emotionally and mentally (i.e., not screwed up by previous relationships and family), etc.
Plus, patience is not my best skill.
They’re not rushing; I just want to be ready/feel like I should “know.”
I’d like to offer the thought that if you have to think so hard about these guys, then neither is right for you. One’s in SoCal - are you going to relocate and how do you feel about being a step mom? Day in and day out? Are you ready for that? Or is he about to move and uproot his girls to live in Oregon? Would there be relocation pain and resentment on either side? Can he work in Oregon and can you study/be a scientist in his part of SoCal?
The availability question is always there - if you’re young, it’s the question of being young and will you grow together in the immediate future in a way that will nurture your relationship. If you’ve been through the wringer; it’s a question of how much baggage both parties bring. That’s always the question. Who’s available. What do they have emotionally healthy/unhealthy? Unfortunately, we’re all damaged to a greater or lesser degree. The trick is to find someone who knows that as well as you and is in the process of working on it/or has worked to a resolution. Yes, there are some of those out there and the numbers are growing. Families push our buttons and do damage because they installed the buttons and know our Achilles Heels . . . .
For what it’s worth, I vote to keep sampling. Do you feel if you made a decision based on these two individuals that you’d possibly be missing out? That’s the answer to your question.
Again, for the casual reader, this is only my opinion and is given here in place of us being in the same living room with appropriate comfort food and beverages. This is just exercising the vent, introducing a different and unattached perspective.
It’s tough and like what Astrea said, being a casual reader of this Journal it’s harder to give some input on it and not know the other details that might surround relationships.
I’ve also had similar issues and thoughts when it came down to relationships and always weighed the pros and the cons, until that saying comes true “you just know”. Dating and getting to know women throughout the years have been great, and I’ve always come across that until I met someone when I didn’t have to do that with. Either way I wish you the best of luck
Well, I think so hard about it, because I don’t want to be ‘wrong’ and because it’s new for me to think about it at all. The SoCal one–I’ve met his girls and they like me lots, as do his friends, and their girls, one of which who never likes strangers. His wife died suddenly of an infection a few years ago, so there is no baby-mama drama. I think he’s considering moving here after the school year. I was adamant in the early days that I was never returning to SoCal–I can stand neither the heat, the traffic, nor the lack of greenery and snow, nevermind the focus on the superficial that just ‘wears me down.’
I’ve been having these discussions with them last night and this morning. Mr. Local thinks he’s happy to be permanently ensconced in this city (especially with his new permanent job–the only turnover is due to injury or retirement), and I don’t know if I’ll have to move for a job in 1.5 years.
For what it’s worth, every time I contemplate reentering the ‘active’ aspect of the dating process, it repels me. My history with it is such, that I cannot honestly expect to find ‘better.’ At least by the mutual definition.
I don’t understand what you mean here?
I’ve heard “you just know” before, and I thought I did know before. Maybe I’d have been right, based on most of the personalities involved, except for the underlying nature of narcissism/low-self-esteem/tendency towards emotional abuse. So I try to refrain and contemplate. I thought I “just knew” with each of these, it’s only with additional time spent, I start wondering…
I’m gonna PM you about this. On the weekend probly, cos work is kicking my ass with the Xmas rush and I’m asleep by 9pm these days.
When you know there isn’t a question of whether there are any pros and cons that you’re weighing when you’re with them. There are the things that are different and can be difficult about things, but when you “know” its like the puzzle peices just fitting together just right and you never expected it to happen. At least that’s how it is in my experience. I’ve been on both sides and I can tell you that I’ve gone through what you have and when you do find that one that “you just know” those questions won’t come up in your mind.
Problem is, that’s what I thought before, when it turned out wrong, and I think I felt that now, but I’m intentionally over-analyzing. I don’t know if I had bad instincts before, or if I just ignored them. It was so long ago, I’m not sure I can remember. I know with both of them I’ve avoided the anger problem I fell into before, and they’re both attentive and considerate. My true question now is merely how much of the irksome traits are due to my inability to handle such things, due to my ADHD, and how much is ‘normal’/acceptable/tolerable (to use an apt word with unfortunately negative connotation). And I only remember these thoughts when we’re apart, at the same time I miss them.
You! You’re fantastic! Can I have your autograph?
By this, I mean, I am putting in a note to subscribe to your journal, and hopefully allure you back here so I can pick your brain more. In a friendly way, not a Hannibal way. 
Thanks for the lovely note!
I’m allergic to the fragrance in the pheromones, and I now have a live-in LTR that I found without using them. =D I also got far too frustrated with some of the mentalities I came across here. =P
Good luck!