Somechick's Journal

Field Reports & Anecdotal Experience Women's Journals
261

I’m really sorry to hear about your family :frowning: I lost someone very close to me a few years ago (to the day) and it’s a very hard time of the year for me too.

I don’t think you’re being a whiner and I didn’t mean to sound so harsh- or hard on you. I was just trying to remind you that you have to believe in yourself and take his word until he gives you reason to believe otherwise.

You also need to set boundaries for yourself. If he is not giving you what you want and what you deserve- then you gotta figure out when you want to cut him loose. Often these bad relationships prevent us from finding the right ones, just because our hearts/minds are in the wrong place.

Good luck with it all and I’m sorry I made you feel like you were whining or attacking you- just trying to be supportive in my normal GF way which on the internet to someone you don’t know can come off wrong. lots of love!

262

Please don’t feel bad about anything you said. As you said, it is easy to come off wrong with the written word, as you can’t tell the tone it is ‘said’ in. I take no offense.

I am sorry for your loss. Losing anyone close sucks, especially around the holidays =(

I think one of the things that sucks about the Rob situation is that he came along when I wasn’t looking for someone 5 years ago and I had a huge crush on him. I thought he was unattainable so I did nothing about it. Then when I was once again not looking, he made a move, and he said it took us five years to get here and we should have done this a long time ago. Whatever… it is what it is…

We texted briefly yesterday and I was hoping to see him, but I had a problem with my well, so he might not have wanted to bother trying to see me when he knew I had no water, and had to try to fix that. He did at least try to cheer me up when I was frazzled beyond belief. Sometimes it sucks living in a 200 year old house!

THEN! Today Scott walked into the store. Haven’t seen him for more than a month because he had nasty infected spider bite on his leg and was very sick, then he got shingles. So he has been MIA…well, he walked in at lunch today and he looked amazingly good! Had I seen Rob yesterday I wouldn’t have been taken by his hotness, but since I haven’t seen Rob for 5.5 weeks, Scott looked too good.

And tomorrow it is going to snow, so he asked me if I had my Jeep ready to plow and then said I can call him if I need him…So all I could think about the rest of the day was making out with him in my driveway last winter, and what a crazy good kisser he is, even though the sex wasn’t that good. It was the first time and he had been up for about 2 days by then..

so what is a girl to do, Scott made it known he is still interested, and Rob was still talking to me yesterday..my work bestie says to do them both, but that is not my style…and I don’t think I could have anything real with either one of them…and if I had the choice, I would always choose Rob over Scott, because he has the total package, over just searing hot chemistry.

263

I have got to relate my week! LOL, if for no other reason than that someone will get a laugh out of it!

Last Saturday night I ran out of oil at 10:30, so I had to go buy some diesel and bleed my furnace…my own fault but still aggravating to discover just before I wanted to go to bed. That was the end of an already horrible day, that started with me waking up to one of my foster dog’s shit all over my dining room.

Monday morning I got up and had no water. The pressure switch on my well pump is bad, but at the time, all I knew was that I had no water and had to get my kids off to school before I could do anything about it. They missed the buss because the substitute bus driver was 12 minutes early, so I had to drive them to school sans shower…

Everyone was getting ready for the snow storm that was supposed to hit here on Wednesday. Scott came in for lunch, and told me I could call him if I couldn’t get my plow going, but I was determined not to call him. I got the plow running, but it ran like shit. I screwed around with it, and got it running better, and got the plow blade moving in the right direction(it’s 30 years old and beat to shit).
When I got up Wednesday morning, it wouldn’t start. I had no heat in my Tahoe on my way to work, which meant I would have to put some coolant in it before I drove home that afternoon. It started snowing hours earlier than they said and I didn’t remember my snowbrush( dumbass! :slight_smile:), but I got the coolant in my truck and got home, put the battery charger back on the Jeep and got it running, and went in the house to start prepping food for Thanksgiving. Made a ton of homemade rolls, because everyone loves them and some other stuff.
Went out to start plowing, made one pass and the Jeep died, and I finally figure out that it isn’t charging. So now it is dead by the road beside my barn, and it’s dark and cold, and still snowing. SO I drove the Tahoe over to try to jump start it, but I couldn’t get the two batteries close enough. Some jackass in an F350 drives by and drops his blade and showers me with slush, then picks up his blade, and keeps on driving. SO now I am soaked to the ass, and in tears because this week has just sucked. OH! and I found out that I can’t have next weekend off, like I am supposed to because my work friend, Rose, took Saturday off. I have had 4 days off since May, was promised a Sunday off because I haven’t had one of those off since September, and now I can’t have it off. I already told the kids we could go to the mountains and now we can’t…

So, I drag the battery charger out of the barn, through the snow, it rolls really nicely through 4 inches of heavy, wet snow, and get the Jeep moved back into the barnyard, where it dies again. At this point, I just say fuck it and leave it there, it’s out of the way. So, my driveway isn’t plowed but I am NOT going to call Scott. So, I go back in the house and discover that my assface dog ate my rolls.

I made more rolls, bailed on the mini cheesecakes, because I can do those in the morning before the turkey goes in the oven, and go to bed, discouraged. I had to pee at 1:30, and on my way back to bed, I see Scott pull in and plow my driveway…hmmm…should I go say hi, or not? I opted with watching him from my bed…I was in my jammies, and I know I would have been bad.

I got up this morning, made the cheesecakes, and the power went out…so I went to nap on the couch while I waited for it to come back on and Scott called and said he was disappointed that I didn’t come out to see him last night. We talked for twenty minutes or so, he laughed at the slush shower I got from the F350 guy, but said he’d never do that to someone..then he said we should be doing it. And he will be around a lot more now that he is not sick anymore…

264

Now I need a little weigh in, if there are any guys reading that care to speak up about something…

Rob is still in the picture, but we aren’t together. I like him, though. A LOT. He knows it, and he says he likes me. He says we will still be doing this years from now, whatever that is supposed to mean. Random hookups for years, probably…maybe, I don’t know…he and I are a much better all around match than Scott and I. Good chemistry, lots to talk about, similar tastes in things, both very introverted. Excellent comfort level, sexually and just in general.

Scott wants to get naked. I have crazy hot chemistry with him, but nothing else.

I know that I am single, not in a relationship with anyone, but I get the feeling that if I fool around with Scott, that it would be the end of things with me and Rob. I don’t want that. Honestly, as tempting as Scott is, I really would rather be with Rob.

I don’t really know where I stand with Rob, and I don’t know how to find out. I am obviously kind of dumb when it comes to men, as I am sure you have figured, if you have read this journal. I don’t want to scare Rob away, so I know I can’t ask him.

I don’t know what to do! I want to be with Rob. I obviously can’t tell him that Scott is making a move, without Rob thinking I am pressuring him.
Please help me figure out what I should do. From a guy’s perspective, what can I do about this? HELP!

265

Rob and I texted briefly last night, but he was working. He texted me this morning and woke me up. A 'good morning ’ text from him is a great way to start the day. He said he has been missing me, and we talked a bit and then started sexting, and we have been at it most of the day. I told him I was going to have to take care of myself later, and he said he wanted to watch. So, I am hoping to see him tonight.

I am going out to dinner with a friend I went to school with. We haven’t been out and single at the same time since we were 21…should be fun! She has always been much more bold than I am. I am going for something light and social with her, some MX403, probably, and some P74.

If I see Rob later, I am torn on whether to try ISB and P74 or hit him with the Love Pack. I haven’t tried that, so I don’t have a clue what it does yet. Probably best to go with something I do know. I am crazy horny right now, from all the texting. He was all sweet and calling me babe again, too…so, hmmmm…

What to do. I probably just jinxed myself and I won’t hear from him for a month!

266

LOVE PACK.

i am horny just reading this, girl!

and shit! Two boys! What to do! knowing me i would fuck it up.

I am sorry about your no good shittacular week! thank you for sharing. … sometimes you just have to share it until it is funny, even though its not. fucking. funny. at the time. i wish you could diaper dogs!

267

Quoteworthy. I offer you this comment, in hope you may find it useful. I decide I like someone in seconds. It is either there or not. Now if I like her, I will go all the way. I am hooked. But if it is not there I will never be hooked. Pheromones? Visual appeal? Six foot tall with an ass that wont quit and climbable? Well, who knows why people are attracted to anything or anyone.

I only know what is in personal life experience. I suspect women lean in that same direction. Mostly. On or off. Red light green light. Mones help. Like the best black dress you ever bought. Like the best shoe shine of the best pair of shoes on earth. Like that.

The whole red light green light. I cant say as women feel that way. I can but guess. I think so though.

268

Rob spent the night. Details later. I need to go find some frozen peas…

269

Frozen peas!!! LMFAO! girl you crack me up! Must have been a hot and steamy night!!!

270

After we sexted half the day, I was wanting him bad, but he dropped out of the game. I know from experience that this usually means he fell asleep, because he works nights. So I didn’t get offended, just hoped I would hear from him later.

I met my friend at 5:30 and we hung out at a local restaurant’s lounge for four hours, talking and catching up. We laughed a LOT! It was really great to get out and hang out with a girlfriend. I don’t do that much. I am really fine alone, but sometimes I like to have a nice dinner and good conversation.

I hadn’t heard from Rob again, so I texted him and told him he should be naked with me. He responded very quickly, asked me when and I said ‘whenever you want’…he replied, “I’ll be there in fifteen minutes”

My dogs didn’t even bark at him, and my big man-hating dog( he used to hate men, not so much now…that’s who abused him) didn’t even growl at him.

I had put on 3 sprays of ISB, 3 sprays 10 mcg P74, and 3 sprays of 10 mcg TAC. I sprayed to chest, neck and back of neck. He’s a neck nibbler, so I knew he would get good exposure.

The sex was hot, it has been six weeks which I playfully pouted was too long, he said he really missed me, and I put out an APB on my ovaries, because they HAD to have been relocated after that…

I thought he was going to leave, he didn’t seem like he was in the mood to stay but as we talked, he grew more and more relaxed. He again told me that he likes listening to me. I got up to pee and when I came back I gave him a piece of uncut Tanzanite, not anything special, just a pretty purple rock from the foothills of Mt Kilimanjaro, because he is going to climb that. I told him he didn’t have to keep it if he didn’t want it, but he said he loves rocks and he brought lots of them home from his time in Brazil…oh he just keeps getting more perfect for me. Brazil is a huge supplier of semi-precious stones, and that is one of my interests.

So we both kind of nodded off, I got up to check on the dogs and when I came back, he had moved so I asked if he was leaving. He said. 'yeah in five minutes, which could turn into ten, which could turn into six-thirty, seven-fifteen…" so I didn’t know if he really wanted to stay or go(i’m dense), but we went to sleep and he stayed. We woke up at my alarm this morning and he asked me where the french toast and bacon was, because I keep telling him I am a good cook. SO I told him that he needs to show up at food time, and not sex time, if he wants me to feed him. And I told him that if I fed him, he would never want to leave, and I’d get to keep him, and he said “and what are the drawbacks to that?”

So, he left, after a lingering hug that he didn’t want to end(neither did I, damn he is HOT) and he said he would let me feed him soon. Oh! And he said something about burning calories with sex, and I said he could come around more often if he wanted to burn more calories and he was all over that…

I took a shower and got ready for work and was about to walk out the door when he called me to see if he had dropped something in my driveway. He hadn’t and he found it while we were talking and he said he didn’t even need to call me, and I said it was nice, because he usually just texts me for sex. So he said that wasn’t true, we have talked a few times this week, blah blah blah…and then we talked for 25 minutes about a bunch of stuff. He said he would love to go to my camp with me, even though I had once said to him that guys didn’t go to cabins in the woods with girls like me. He finally let me go when I was at work, and he said he would talk to me soon. He seemed very reluctant to end the call, though. It was really, really nice to have that time with him. A couple of times, the word feelings came up, and we both danced around that. I am NOT telling him how I feel about him, until we have more nights like last night, and after I have fed him! They never want to leave after I feed them.:slight_smile:

271

Wow! I think that P74 is getting to me, I MISS him!!!

OH! I don’t know if this means anything, because I seem to be wrong a lot where men are concerned, but when we were having sex, he was all possessive about me being ‘his’…

272

So after our awesome night/talk the next day, I kind of thought I’d hear from Rob…but he did admit something to me, and it may make him unsure of how to continue since he knows that I hate drugs. He told me that he smokes weed. I know everyone has flaws, and I am not expecting to marry him, so when he said 'you probably don’t like me anymore now that you know", I told him that I still did, that it didn’t change anything.

I have had some crazy bad luck for a long time, and when I am with him, it seems like things are good, and we connect big time, then he disappears, and things turn to shit, and I just wish he would talk to me once in a while. He was liking the idea of seeing me more, yet I texted him last night and said he should let me feed him sometime, he didn’t respond, so I texted and said ‘or you could just tell me to stop bugging you…’ and he didn’t respond.

Now Scott is seriously hot on my tail. He came in twice today, and I was on the wrong side of the counter, and he was all excited to be close to me, said he was feeling kind of ‘handy’…so I stepped away :wink: He wants to call me, says he has something to talk to me about. I am sure he just wants to see if I am interested in an occasional fuck. I want to be with Rob, and if I can’t, I am not sure I want to just be Scott’s fuck toy. He did me, then ignored me for months. I’d like someone to be a little more regular. Why is it so hard to have a guy(the same guy) in my bed like once a week, at least?

I went to the eye doctor last week to get new contacts, and she told me I have a blood vessel growing over my cornea and if I wear my contacts, I will need a corneal transplant. I don’t want some Franken-eye! That freaking creeps me out! So, it’s Christmas, I need to buy gifts for my kids, and I now have to buy new glasses, because my old ones are 13 years old…sigh…

It poured like the Biblical flood yesterday and I have a swimming pool in my study, and a shit pile of soggy stuff in my attic that now needs to be thrown away.

My daughter threw away a singed dish towel two nights ago, and put the trash can back under the sink, where it later burst into flames, and filled the kitchen up with smoke. I was sick on the couch, realized I could smell smoke, and found my kitchen cabinet burning, and the trashcan melted and ablaze.

I just need SOMETHING to go my way for a change! Argh! I did look at a house last weekend, and if I buy it, I will have a licensed kitchen put in and I will be back baking nights. I made a nice extra income when I baked before. Now I just have to see about getting a mortgage.

I really need to climb some mountains, but it isn’t really mountain climbing season, so I don’t know what I am going to do with myself. I think I will use some P130 to keep me from going insane. Rob’s birthday is next week. I know I won’t get to see him, but I had hoped that I’d be able to make him dinner this weekend, and spend some time with him. I don’t see that happening, and I am pretty sure that Scott is going to make the call one of these days soon, and I don’t know what to say…

273

I’m sorry about Rob. You know I’m anti-drug too and the marijuana thing isn’t TOO bad. I expect it to be as normal as cigarettes nationwide eventually. I don’t agree with it, but I think people who smoke will continue to smoke and those of us that don’t already won’t start. He admitted it to you, which I think was pretty admirable on his part.

As for Scott, I don’t know what to tell you. Being someone’s love slave without a relationship isn’t really my thing, although sometimes I wish I could do it. I guess if you know he’s going to use you then use him on your own schedule when you really want it. That’s a tough one. Hang in there and I hope it all works out for you.

Sue1anne

274

I am not going to be Scott’s love slave. I know that isn’t what I want. if the sex was really amazing, maybe…LOL…though probably not, and it wasn’t at all amazing…

As for Rob, I really don’t think this is a deal breaker. I had it bad for him for soooooo many reasons, and this one thing doesn’t negate all the incredible qualities he does have.

He just confuses me. When he is with me, he is possessive, and doesn’t want to leave, or let go of me, but when he is away from me, he is really independent. And I want someone who is very independent, because I am as well, but I would like to know whether or not they are coming back! We don’t have to be joined at the hip, I’d be perfectly happy with someone I didn’t see all the time, as long as I knew he loved me, and was loyal to me. That is probably just too much to ask. Rob is very happy alone. He doesn’t need anyone in his life, and I admire that. I wonder, though, if he is too much of a loner to ever let someone in.

We shall see. I may text him tomorrow and remind him that he wanted me to feed him the next time the kids were with their dad. If he doesn’t respond, I will assume he is not interested.

There is too much craziness right now, I wish I knew if this could ever be real. It would make everything else so much easier to deal with. :frowning:

275

I’m really glad you are giving Rob a chance despite weed (not being biased but bc it sounds like he has all these other qualities you admire).

If the sex isn’t good with Scott, what else can he offer you? If he didn’t give you attention fro 6 months it kinda sounds like he can’t even give you the emotional security you are craving.

and girl I totally hear you about how hard it is to keep the same regular man for a 1 x a week session!!

Side note: I can’t imagine you’ve abused your contacts for so long that you can’t wear contacts at all. Many doctors disagree about “neovascularization”= new blood vessel growth on the eye and whether the patient can keep wearing contacts. There are actually plenty of contacts that allow a lot of oxygen transmission to the eye and prevent new blood vessel growth. “neo” for short is a normal part of long term contact lens wearers and I’d recommend that you either ask for a different type of lens that is healthier for your eye or get a second opinion. I have seen many “abusers” and we still fit them for contacts so I doubt yours is that bad. But my advice can’t replace a real exam, just go to a different Doctor.

276

My oldest friend smoked weed practically daily until last year. He was NOT a person to let the drug control him, or his life. He is a great husband, father and business man. I didn’t have to like his habits to love him as one of my besties. He is someone I always know I can count on. Weed didn’t change how I felt about him.
Also knew a guy who worked for NASA, he was a good friend of my mom and stepfather. He also smoked, He got my mom high once, I arrived late to that party, and OMG I shouldn’t even say it about my deceased mom, but that was fucking hysterical!

I personally hate drugs, because of other people in my life who utterly destroyed their lives and those of their loved ones because of them. Ex Mr W put me through a door because he was all fucked up. He still won’t admit that he was on something, but I know him. He stole all my money and my dead mom’s jewelry to buy blow.

I can’t have someone in my life that will make me afraid. Hard core drug use scares the shit out of me.

I don’t want to sound like a hypocrite because I hated that Ex Mr W did drugs, but it’s okay that Rob does. It is HUGELY different. Ex Mr W let the drugs control his life. He lost jobs because of them, and friends and family members, and me. He is always fucked up. He is bi-polar and toys with his meds so he can drink, which he does all day, every day.

Rob hardly drinks, hates hard core drugs and pills and is a good person, a productive member of society, a great dad, and a good friend. I think those qualities far outweigh some weed. So, yeah, I am going to give him a chance…if he’d come around once in a while!

I texted him this last week and told him I thought he should let me cook for him. Heard nothing. So I sent one more text and told him I would miss him in my bed this weekend. He texted and apologized for taking so long to get back to me. Said he had a really shitty week, and asked how I was. Then I didn’t hear from him again, but that’s not really unusual. It just means I am unlikely to see him until the end of the month now :frowning:

I probably should just give up on him, and move on. I mean, he is all in when he is here, but when he isn’t here, I don’t hear much from him. He says he wants me to cook for him, and take him to the mountains, but he isn’t around enough to do that. He probably has ten other girls…unfortunately, he is in my heart, and letting him go won’t be easy, and I am not quite ready to say goodbye…

This morning I was on Facebook and it had one of those ‘people you may know’ things…one of them was Scott! LOL, he just recently joined. There is a picture of his kids on there, and his ex-wife is in one of them. OMG, now I know why he likes me…I am totally his type! I cracked up when I saw her picture. She was nothing like I imagined, but she had pink hair and glasses, too…it was freaking funny! He was just divorced when we hooked up, it’s been a little longer now. I don’t really know what he’d have to offer now, but he isn’t Rob, and if there were ever a chance with Rob, I’d always choose him. Scott is still hot, though, so I can drool when I see him without getting naked with him :wink:

Thank you! I wore my glasses for three years because I was too poor/lazy to go get contacts. When I did go, I had to get mono-vision lenses, because I am old. I tried them, hated them and put them away for a year. I dragged them back out recently, wore them for a few months, and went back to get an eye exam prescription because I ripped the near vision lens. I only slept in them twice, the nights Rob was here, because I couldn’t drag myself away from that ripped boy to go take them out. I always took them out and cleaned them in the evening and wore my glasses. Wore my glasses on the weekends most of the time. But my glasses were really old, so I couldn’t see as well with them as I did with the contacts. I NEVER abused them, and I say this as someone who DID abuse them very badly years ago. Like more than fifteen years ago. I appreciate your input, and will very likely take your advice and see another eye doctor.

277

Yesterday was the 2 year anniversary of my dad’s death. I am still a little raw this morning. I still have a hard time dealing with him being gone. I miss him so much!

I really wish he could have met Rob. He would have liked him. Not the weed thing, but their core values were so similar. And the mountain thing. My dad was so impressed with people who had climbed some of the world’s tallest mountains, and I told him about Rob ,years ago, when he was supposed to go climb Kilimanjaro.

I am driving myself nuts today. I am fairly poor, with all the home repair/car repair stuff I have had to deal with, glasses I didn’t plan on buying, etc, so I am a little depressed. Plus, I am kind of tired of being lonely at the holidays. I know that is perfectly normal. It’s just that I am crazy about someone, who is probably never going to be crazy about me, and that sucks. Tomorrow is Rob’s birthday. I don’t even think I should text him, because I don’t want to keep bugging him, but he is an amazing guy, and I want to wish him a happy birthday :frowning:

I have to go get some stuff for the kids for Christmas, and I don’t have much money. I am going to give myself a big spritz of P130 and some TAA and hit the stores. That should keep me from bursting into tears, and from overthinking everything(yeah, sure…)

I did get my daughter tickets to a concert she is going to LOVE!!! I am so psyched about that, it helps with all the other bs that is going on. And I am going to love it, too! It’s not some kid band, it’s some awesome rockabilly stuff. She has very eclectic musical taste for her age! Of course she gets that from me, like all her other awesomeness! LOL

278

One of my friends sent me a list of FWB rules, and I have to say, I am not feeling very good right now.

I am so dumb, I mean, yeah I know that Rob and I aren’t real, but early on he told me I could text him any time, because he always enjoyed talking to me. The rules say never text unless it’s for sex. So, I would say I know why he doesn’t always respond…

I know I have to let him go. I can’t be all in love with him, and have him not give a shit about me. It’s just really hard because of all the long conversations we’ve had, over the past five plus years. He said it took us five years to get here, and we would still be doing this in five years. How does he think that will work? How did he expect me to keep my feelings out of it? Why does he spend the night, and call me babe, and tell me he wants to go to camp with me, and have dinner with me, but then ignore me for weeks?

This all sucks so much, because he told me that he liked being with me, and being around me, and felt comfortable with me, and that he wanted to keep me, that I should keep him, etc…

I can’t even believe how stupid I must seem, to everyone, to him…

279

Hmmm I think I’ll have to add that to my next order!:wink:

280

Today I am crazy depressed. There has just been so much going on lately, that I can’t seem to stay ‘up’, no matter how hard I try. I AM trying, but it seems like every day, for every one thing that goes right, twenty more go wrong. This wouldn’t be so hard, if it hadn’t been this way for so long.

Yesterday I found out that someone put in an offer on the house I want to buy. I really, really want that house and I am trying to get financed to get it. Once my dad’s estate is settled, I could pay cash for it, but that isn’t going to happen fast enough. I know it probably seems silly, but this house works for me, and it is about the only house in town that I can afford. Aside from the fact that it’s cheap, I am actually okay with leaving the only home I have ever known to move there, it sits across the street from my current back woods, so I could still see my old trees, I can put in a kitchen and start baking again, which makes me some decent money, and I love the yard. It is beyond hard for me to give up my home. It has been in my family since February of 1910. My grandfather and my dad grew up here before me, and now my kids are growing up here. Lots of history that I will never have someplace else.

It’s also hard because it is Christmas and I am lonely, and I don’t want to make any stupid mistakes out of loneliness, like calling Scott because I miss Rob…

I am about to go start baking cookies, and my cookies are kind of legendary in my town. In case that sounds conceited, I once brought some to my old favorite lunch place and a woman standing there waiting said, “oh, can I see your cookies?” and I held out the platter so she could see. She said “Oooh…” and I asked whether that was a good or a bad oooh… and she said, “those are like the cookies on the cover of the magazines that you think no one really makes. But you do!”’

Hopefully cookie baking will bring on some happy, but just in case, I spritzed myself with 10 mcg P130 and 10 mcg TAA. I am not bubbly yet, but the bone crushing sadness that I was feeling a little while ago is pretty much gone. I think before long I will be much better.

When I go out later this will be washed off because I have to shower still. I will re-evaluate what I want to wear then. I have an interesting report on an MX, but I am not sure I can share it here yet. I may do a little more playing with that one…or I may try something that makes me flirty. If I go flirt my ass off, maybe I won’t miss Rob so freaking bad!!