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Oh I have been a very bad, bad girl!
I do not even know how to explain myself or where to begin. So, Scott came in to the store today and got lunch, and I paid for it because he plowed my driveway yesterday. He wasn’t happy about that, but I told him he didn’t have to keep being nice to me…and he said it was all being kept track of, and we kind of smirked at each other and he left.
When I got out of work, I came home and plowed for an hour and shoveled and cleaned up the snow that fell last night after I finally called it quits for the night. Scott had said he was coming back last night, but he was tired and didn’t. So I did the best I could but I was afraid of getting stuck again, so I didn’t do the barn yard. I figured if he came back around when it snows on Friday, I would ask him to do that, too.
Sitting at my computer tonight paying bills and my phone rings. It’s Scott. So, I answer and he jokes that he didn’t even get boobs flashed in the window. He came tonight to finish my yard, plowed around the barn and the barn yard. I went out to say thank you, and ending up getting a little naughty with my hot plow boy 
He was um, quite happy to see me and I asked him if he had that problem often and he said 'you always ask me that, and no, just when I am around you." So, I asked him why he didn’t go for any of the offers he has had, and he said ‘you know why" to which I replied that I did not know. And he said , ’ because you felt so good, and I know it has been a while but I really want to get back to where we left off…’
And I still can’t bring myself to tell him about Rob. I haven’t heard from Rob since he texted me Saturday at 3 AM…I don’t know what that was all about. I do know that I really like Rob, and I like him because of the way I feel when I am with him. Like the whole world disappears and it is just us, living in the moment. Like coming home, like being where I belong. Never, ever felt that at ease with anyone. Scott and I have ungodly hot sexual chemistry, and I have been crazy attracted to him for a long time. But I know I will never feel the same way with Scott that I do when I am with Rob.
We have actually had some really good conversations lately, and gotten to know each other better, but he doesn’t want a relationship because he isn’t done with all his court stuff over custody. Until that is done, he won’t get involved.
So, I have the one I have smoking hot chemistry with, and no future with, and the one that I just flat out adore and have great sex with, and even had great first time sex with, and who I actually really love the whole package, and yet also have no future with.
I should probably kick them both to the curb and find one that actually wants to be with me, but the thought of never seeing Rob again makes me sadder than those Sarah McLachlan ASPCA commercials…I do like Scott, and have crazy chemistry with him, but I wouldn’t lose my head if he wasn’t around anymore…
What is a girl to do!?
Yesterday my boss texted me early and asked if I could come to work an hour early as someone was out sick…still…
So as I got ready for work, I decided to try an embargoed MX because I really wanted to see if it would have the effects I was thinking it would, and was kind of needing after a fairly sucktastic week. I know it could have been much worse, and I did have my little rendezvous with Scott.
Anyway, I have this customer who moved to the area a few months ago. I do not know her, but she has attached herself to me. I call her my first female stalker, because I have had guy stalkers before but never a girl. She would not be my chick type, if I decided to go that way 
Her name is Sarah and she calls me lovebug and brings me stuff, like soup and spaghetti sauce, with little notes that say 
Sarah on them. As I was driving to work yesterday, I saw her walking toward where she works, and it was very cold, windy and snowing. I turned around and drove up and asked her if she wanted a ride. It was only a couple of miles, but she totally hit on my MX…she was very lovey talking and DIHL staring at me as I drove. I am not sure I should have done that, but I was trying to be nice.
Last night after my kids went with their dad, with absolutely no notice that he was taking them, until he drove in the driveway, I showered and applied something else and went to the grocery store. If the kids are gone, I need to either get naked with someone or I need baking therapy. After the grocery store I went to Target to pick up a movie, in case I decided I want to watch something while the kids are away.
I had on 30 mcg P74, 30 mcg P83 and a spray of CTTM. Everywhere I went people were looking at me like I was someone special or important, like they knew me for some reason if that makes sense. The kid who assisted me at Target was totally DIHL, could NOT help me enough. He just stared at me that whole time I was with him. He located what I was looking for by talking to another employee via walkie talkie, but would not let me go get it ,myself. He actually said, “no, you stay right here with me, Zach can walk it up to you.”
I also have been testing some of the vanilla cops out. I would love to try them on Rob, but I haven’t heard from him since last weekend. I don’t know…I don’t think he is actually into me. I just need to face it. Scott doesn’t want a relationship, because he is so not ready but he is at least nearby, and wants me. I will probably test the cops out on him some more, though I don’t think he needs them because he has always, since the very beginning, gotten visibly aroused whenever he is near me. That’s kind of hot, knowing I have that effect on him 
My male dog loves the vanilla cops. He is fixed, so he doesn’t try to hump my leg or anything, but he follows me around more and likes to stick his nose into the crook of my arm where I wear them. He is very bonded to me anyway, but he really won’t let me out of his sight when I wear cops. It’s funny.
Well, my banana bread timer is beeping, so I shall get back to baking therapy. Not sure what is next. Perhaps some homemade pasta.
Female stalkers can be so much scarier than male stalkers sometimes !! Lol i think that is because women pay more attention to little things, gathering massive amounts of tiny data and Information and are more emotionally driven than men. From most cases I’ve researched , stalker women usually start out as the quiet shy ones, then they surprise you.
Sounds like your stalker is a sweet innocent though. Mostly lol she has a girl crush on you
Love banana bread !!!
Today I texted Rob by accident. Yeah, I know, that’s sounds pathetic but I meant to text Rose, and texted Rob instead. So there was a little conversation, I had texted about my baking therapy, and he asked what was wrong, said he wished he could make me feel better, I said LOL, you could…and he said he didn’t think he would be any better company this week than he was last week. Thinking maybe he was trying to find a way to get rid of me, I said ‘you can just tell me to go away and I will stop being a pain in your ass’ and he said ‘please, why would I do that?’ so I responded that I thought he probably had better options that were more suited to him, because I am sure there are plenty of available girls for him. He has always said that he turned down more women than he had been with, because he has too much self respect to sleep around, or with women he doesn’t actually like.
So, then I felt bad, like he would think I was shit testing him, and I sent another text and just said, that wasn’t me fishing for compliments, I was being honest. That I am here for him, if he needs anything and that I am actually a very nice person. He knows me, has for years, but now that we are sleeping together, I didn’t want him to think I was not going to be the nice person he has always said he found me to be.
A little while later I was driving to get dog treats and I got a text chime. I had to get to where I was going to check it, because I don’t text and drive. He said that he knew I was a nice person and that he really likes me but his life is falling apart and he doesn’t know what to do.
I feel really bad because I don’t want him to have to be alone, when he is having a hard time. I sent him a text that was supportive and let him know that I am here for him, even if he isn’t good company because what kind of person would I be if I only liked him when he was happy… I can’t make him talk to me, but I can make sure he knows he can, if he wants to.
I know my life has been falling apart for a while now, and I HATE having to do it alone, so i wish I could do something for him. It makes me really sad to know he is hurting.
On the other hand, he said he ‘really likes me’…I sooooooo wish!
Random report!
Sunday I was at work, and wanted to refresh the MX I was wearing, so I reached into my purse and opened the zipper pouch I keep my to-gos in…grabbed the wrong bottle and shot myself with 2 sprays of MX274. Last time I wore that I liked it, but then I had the blues so bad I didn’t dare wear it again.
I didn’t get the blues this time, and it was SuperBowl Sunday, so I was focused on yelling at my tv, but I digress…while still at work, I realized I was in a pretty chill mood, and that though I was behind in my work, because I was busy, I didn’t stress about it. I noticed the same thing last time I tried MX274…this time however, I noticed something weird, or maybe I am just weird( well, yes I am, but it is SO FUN!)
What I noticed is that every time I went in the bathroom, and saw myself in the mirror, I was all ‘damn! I look really good today!’ and ‘wow, my hair is amazing today’ and other weirdness! I am so hard on myself usually that if God Himself came down and complimented me, I would doubt him. But MX274 made me hot! LOL, at least in my own eyes.
Other people seemed to check me out more blatantly, too. Lots of eye contact. Interesting. I shall have to try this again. See if I look hot again! LOL..oooh, and I seem to remember Scott liking it last time. Wonder if Rob would?
Today I tried an embargoed MX and I really liked it! I can’t wait to try it again!
The increase in self-confidence would have made slight alterations in your body language that others will have picked up on, making them more attracted to you. Confidence is key, and I believe pheromones are a great aid in helping people perceive themselves differently
Scott is in hot pursuit, he has actually been amazingly helpful with all the snow. I can only push so much with my own plow, and he has been right there to help me when it’s too much for me. he has been very honest about the fact that he wants to pick up where we left off, and that he won’t get into a relationship until everything is over regarding his custody situation.
Rob was going through something difficult and said that his life was falling apart and he didn’t know what to do. I figured it was best if I left him alone, because I am just a hookup girl…it isn’t my place to be there for him, no matter how much I want to be.
I have been wearing an embargoed MX to work because it gives me amazing results. I mixed it with two sprays of CTTM the other day, and OMG! People were like flies to honey around me! I have this one guy that has been trying to jump me for years, Greg. He came in yesterday and we were alone, so he got flirty. I reminded him that he is married and he said, “why do you always have t ruin my fun?”…well, because I don’t play with the married ones anymore. I learned my lesson, it nearly killed me.
Anyway, the CTTM worked like a charm on him and he was seriously gossipy, and told me that he can’t believe I don’t have a boyfriend because I am SO pretty! He said one of the guys who works for him wants me BAD. LOL, I don’t know which guy it is by name, though.
Friday night the kids went with their dad and I went shopping for baking supplies. I seem to be marathon baking when they are away lately to keep myself from thinking about stuff too much. As I got home from shopping, I got a message alert on my phone. I figured it was some dumb game request, but it was Rob.
He asked how I was, asked why I was baking, if it was because I missed my kids, and what I had for dinner. So I told him that I rarely eat dinner when the kids are gone because I hate cooking for just me, that it’s lonely. He said that was too bad and that he would have dinner with me…what??? I would love to make him dinner!
So we talked a little Friday night, he texted me in the middle of the night( he works nights) and asked what I was working Saturday. I told him, he asked what I was baking after work, told him muffins, chocolate crumb bars, chocolate chip cookie dough cheesecake, crumb cake and chili mac and cheese.
Getting ready for work and he texts and says maybe we can have dinner tonight…then he drops off, he does that sometimes because he is with his kids, or falls asleep during the day.
I bake my butt off when I get home from work, and I am pretty sure I won’t hear from him…give up, go to bed, and he texts. He got called in to work, and says if I want him to, he can be here by 1 am…I said 'you really want to eat at 1am? " and he said ‘I will, but I am really just coming to see you’…so I wait up for him, he doesn’t show…give up, go back to bed, and he calls at 3 am. He got out late and it is very bad driving in the snow. He is on his way from Boston and stopped to call me. Says it would be a 30 minute ride in good weather, but he figures an hour or so. He ended up getting here at 4:40 AM! When I saw the snowfall, I couldn’t believe he even attempted the drive, when he could have waited until morning to come up and be with his kids. It was SO BAD OUT!
We didn’t have a lot of time, because he had to leave around 7. Quick sex, but still good, and lots of hugginess after. Power nap and I got up and made him coffee and grilled blueberry muffins, in bed. I gave him some books I had bought him for Christmas on his way out. I told him I bought them for Christmas but then realized that I couldn’t really give him presents, but since it wasn’t a holiday, now they are just books. Quick hug and kiss on the way out, and he was off. I was wearing an embargoed MX and 30 mcg P74, and 30 mcg P83. I think he was too tired, and we didn’t have enough time to give the pheromones time to work some magic.
I had just gotten to work, and he texted, thanked me for the food and books and said it was so nice of me, and meant so much to him. I said I’d feed him anytime, and he said ‘you’re going to have to feed me, because you didn’t give me the $25(from the bet, that he wouldn’t take) so I won’t have any food all week’
This AM he texted me good morning, and he has been random texting me all day…I DO NOT KNOW what this all means! I know I am just a fuck buddy to him, but it really feels like something has changed.
Hoping that next time I see him, if I do see him again, that I can try the mix I had on the other night. I think it could have had interesting results, had he been awake long enough to really get exposed…maybe I am wrong, maybe it wouldn’t have been a good mix.
Okay…so apparently Rob and I are in a relationship… Not really sure what happened, but he texted me daily since Friday, we talked a lot. I told him I was here for him, since he was having a hard time. blah blah blah…anyway, he didn’t seem to want to tell me what was wrong, so I said, I understood if he didn’t want to tell me, since I am just a hookup girl…and he was not happy about that. I am not just a sex thing to him…he said, and I quote, " That is SO not true! I love talking with you, listening to you, and spending time with you"
Hmmmmmmmmm, I met him tonight, took him some dinner, and sat in my Tahoe talking for an hour. I wore an embargoed MX, with a little vanilla cops, because DAMN that shit smells good! some P74 and some P83. I would say the entire dynamic of this thing has changed. He says he will be around for years, as long as I am happy with things. He says he will talk to me in the morning, he has to go back to Boston tonight.
He even offered to shovel my roof off for me! And I might let him, because I think it would be really fun to warm him up afterwards
Yay !! Finally he came around lol I was hoping to read that !
Awesome!
Some serious bonding going on lately.
quite a lot going on with Rob, mostly amazing, but I am fighting being in love with him so hard, it takes a lot of the fun out of it.
I have some reports that I will add later. I just wanted to say, I got an order Tuesday and I am so bummed! I ordered a couple of products in vanilla dream. I thought it was going to smell like the vanilla cops pack. It doesn’t smell like vanilla at all to me. It reminds me of Gold Sugar, but it is really too strong, imho. I can only wear one spray without getting a raging headache. I am really sad, now I have a bottle of TAC and a bottle of P74 that I will probably never use…
excellent observations, really enjoying your thought processes.
Now, i would suggest that you look at getting into mixing you mone brews as you have these mones that your in need of toning down or add it in small amounts to give you some of those benefits to a mix. Then, you minimize those headaches.
Good for you, cheers on Rob seeing the light about who you are.
1Alpha
So, I have been away a while. I DO have some reports but I am a little out of my mind right now, and since I really can’t vent to anyone IRL, I need to just kind of get this off my chest here. When I feel like my head is back on straight I will share more of my reports. I AM using P130 to help with the fierce anxiety I am dealing with.
This may be a ladies only kind of post. Men might not want to read about this subject matter. Seriously female stuff ahead…
I have long neglected going to the gyno…I know that is bad but for so long everything was perfectly normal. Then when things started to change, I attributed it to my age. I thought it was peri-menopause.
Started with irregular periods, sometimes long intervals in between, sometimes twice a month. Then no period from September to January 1st(Happy New Year!). I had called the doctor in December and made an appointment but because my old OB/GYN had retired(part of why I neglected going) I had to call a new doc and they were scheduling out a ways. Then there was a huge snow storm the day of my appointment and it had to be rescheduled. The week before my appointment, I started the second period of this month and it kept getting worse and worse and worse, until I thought I was going to die, so I called them. they prescribed me something to stop the bleeding and I went in a few days later for my regularly scheduled appointment.
My Pap smear came back abnormal yesterday. So I need a biopsy, but she had already told me I should get an endometrial biopsy, so now I need that and a cervical biopsy. I know this could be minor, BUT I have severe cramping, SUPER heavy periods(much, much heavier than normal for me), pain during sex and bleeding after sex. Now, at first I just thought it was because Rob is quite a lot larger than I am used to. But now, it seems that there is probably more to it than that.
I have a very high tolerance for pain, but I am hurting so bad right now. I started bleeding again Saturday night after Rob was here. I had a week with no bleeding but it’s back again. I am waiting to here back from the doc’s office. Her nurse called with the Pap results and when I told her I was bleeding again, she wanted to do a phone consult with the doctor and she will get back to me.
I am scared, and so freaking alone! My biopsy is scheduled but I don’t know if I should tell Rob or not. I am afraid that he will never want to see me again, and after everything we have had lately, I can’t bear that.
He has said that he isn’t going anywhere, that he cares for me, that he loves being with me, that he really likes me, that he has fun with me, that he knows how amazing I am, and that I am unique and special and irreplaceable. He says he isn’t seeing anyone else, that he doesn’t want to see anyone else. He agreed to meet my kids, we have concert tickets to a show a few days after the biopsy( bought the tickets a while ago), he wants to climb a bunch of mountains with me, go to camp with me, says he wants to go to Disney with us. He told me that sometimes he just looks at me and he wants to tear my clothes off and do me! He actually listens to what I say and he thinks I am smart and funny and awesome. I was being grumpy and he started imitating me and said he was going to get all grumpy too, so we can be a grumpy old couple…so, I don’t want to lose him! But he never, ever said he loved me. And why would he stay with me, if I am sick, if he doesn’t love me?
And if I find out that it is bad, I am going to tell him that I love him. Fuck it, at that point what will I have to lose?
Hi Somechick,
Glad to see you writing in you journal again, but sorry you are going through the troubles you are.
I think you SHOULD tell him. To me, it sounds as though he is very committed to you. You’ve been together on an “official” basis since February. He’s going to be meeting your kids and making future plans with you; this isn’t all a game, he’s into you girl! He may not have said the “L” word yet, but given the confusion of the whole FWB thing that went on last year, he may be insecure on his side of things too.
Everyone realizes, health issues happen, and this one is a big deal that could have ramifications down the road that will bring him in to the situation in any case. At some point he will likely have to know, and I think it would be better for you to bring him up to speed on this now, when you can use his help to get you through this.
He may be very confused at this point, knowing something is up with you, but not quite understanding what the problem is. One concern I have is that he may start to think that you are distancing yourself from him, which is not what you want or need at the moment.
I realize this will be a hard leap of faith for you because you fear he will turn his tail and run at the slightest sign of trouble, but if I remember correctly, Rob came from a long history of hard times, and he never gave in then; what makes you think he will now? It isn’t like he needs to perform the biopsies on you, he merely needs to listen to your concerns, hold your hand, and give you support in your time of need. Rob has always been a good listener to you in your conversations, and I’m sure he won’t disappoint you now.
Also, I think it is better that you tell him now rather than later. Should, God forbid, things become more difficult for you with your health, and then you need to discuss this with him, he may have a thought in the back of his head, “why didn’t she mention this to me before now?”
If you can, set up a safe space to talk about this where you aren’t going to have many distractions, and the plan isn’t to be sexual. See if he will join you for some cuddle time, saying you are feeling a little ‘down’ and ask him if he’ll come over to help get you out of your funk. When he comes, he is bound to ask you why you are down, which is a good segway into some of the problems you have been having.
I don’t think the post you had above is too graphic for most men; we get that these issues are there for women, and we are empathize with you about this. Tell him flat-out the troubles you have had getting to the GYN and how serious it has become in short order. I don’t think, from what I’ve heard, he will run screaming from your house. You will likely find you have a friend that will help you through this rough spot, and a larger love generated between you both with the knowledge that you can make it through, regardless of the situation.
Also, one last quick note. You mentioned climbing those mountains coming up soon. I wish that you would take careful thought about this before hitting the trail. clearly, you have lost a good amount of blood recently, and you may be on the anemic side. With your situation not well controlled, the last thing you want to do is place yourself in a situation where you aren’t able to control bleeding, or stay conscious, when you are out on the trail where you can not be easily returned to safety. I trust that you will make your own decisions as you see fit, but wanted to throw this out there, as I know things like this can easily slip my mind when I have a lot of other things rattling around up there.
May your health issues magically disappear, and your man stand firmly by your side always!
Take care somechick,
pudleduk
[quote=“pudleduk”]
Hi Somechick,
Glad to see you writing in you journal again, but sorry you are going through the troubles you are.
Aw, Pudleduk, you made me cry! Thank you for your kind words. I am moving up my biopsies to tomorrow. I will see how I feel afterwards, and though I know I won’t have answers, I should have a little more info. I will probably see if he will meet me for breakfast this weekend, and maybe a walk at my favorite beach. I don’t have the time off I was hoping for, so no mountains for me this weekend. it may be a while.
I tried for breakfast with Rob but it didn’t work out. He texted, blah blah blah…I said I didn’t want to talk about what was wrong in a text so he called me.
Long story short, he lost his signal halfway through so I am waiting for him to call me back when he isn’t near the dead zone that is Rye Beach…
I told him that I was giving him an out, that he didn’t have to keep seeing me and he said, “Yeah, that’s not going to happen, we have too many mountains to climb.”
Beautiful somechick. I think you have a keeper there. I don’t think he was just talking about trails when he said you have many mountains to climb together. I know you may not had had a chance to say all that you needed to, but don’t lose heart, he’s told you he’ll be by your side.
Hope all goes well for you,
Pudleduk
Sorry to hear what you are going through somechick. My wife has PCOS and shehas similar issues. She doesn’t get her period at all and sometimes with sex she bleeds to. Because if the hormonal imbalance she has a lack of emotion and is tired all the time it is difficult for me. If Rob really cares about you he will stick around. It takes a lot for someone in your shies to open up like you have. That is a big step for him to meet your kids. Definitely make sure he is there for you before meeting your kids and that he is going to stick around. You sound like an amazing woman and hope he sees that. Good luck.
My first biopsy was fine, so no worries there. The second one is the one we are worried about, though…
So, Rob never called me back last weekend and I didn’t hear from him all week. Not a word. This AM he texted, ‘hey how are you feeling? Any new news?’
I replied, and he never said another word.
So much for giving a shit. So much for being here with me all weekend this weekend. God, I almost believed he meant the things he said…
I give up. If I am dying, then I am apparently doing it alone. Great