Hi SomeChick,
So glad you had good news with the first biopsy. That is positive news for you I’m sure! At least you have the satisfaction to know you are through the first hurdle…
Sorry Rob is being a butthead at this time. kind of the ultimate shit-test you have going here…
Clearly he cares for you though; if he didn’t care, he wouldn’t ask, right? I mean really, if he was just using you, wouldn’t he just disappear for a while and not check in at all. Surely, there is a part of him that is wondering how toy are, and feeling guilty that you are going through this, and he isn’t there.
Why not use this to your advantage at this point? Drop off the face of the earth, go through what you have to go through, but stop communicating altogether with him. It sounds like you are at that point with him now anyhow… He’ll check in, and not hear from you. He may get worried, and realize he is needs you more thatn he thought, and then come seeking you out to see how you are.
Of course, I have no idea if this is ‘right’ for you in this situation… I am sitting here at my computer, reading a forum post, maybe I have this all wrong… only you can know what needs to be done here.
I do know one thing, and I know you know this too…
Life is a series of ups and downs. The lows are what make the highs so wonderful. You are in a low spot now, to be sure, but don’t loose heart; you will get through this low and come out the other side unstoppable!
Maybe Rob is just a prick. There are those guys out there. There are also a bunch of guys out there that just have no fucking concept of how to treat a lady or how to be a stand-up gentalmen; we all see this all the time. Give him the benefit of the doubt though. This doesn’t mean you should let him right back into your heart though; he’s been bad, and he needs to understand this. If he can’t handle the silent treatment, cast him to the wind and open your heart to someone else; it’s not like you are on a deserted island or Alaskan wilderness there in NH. 
You’ll get through this kid, and you aren’t alone; at the very least, we are here for you.
Take care SomeChick!
pudleduk
Read only if u have spare time, it has nothing to do with Pheros.
Hey Somechick,
I wanna share two quotes " “I’ve had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened.” - Mark Twain.
and there is short old story in India: Once a big king asked a saint " tell me a sentence which if i read in good times i must be sad . and if i read in bad times i must go happy .
The saint replied " as always this time will also pass by, its not going to be same time (happy or sad) always"
Being doctor, i can say that, relax . even if ur pap smear had issues, best is ur biopsy is alright. Now if second comes good , than nothing to worry, if not than also there are multiple treatment options available nowadays.
So relax we wont let u die so soon. and u r never alone buddy.
Smile a bit. and take care you are precious , my friend .
will pray to god for your early healing (mentally and physically )
Thank you Pudleduk and Anurag. I appreciate you taking the time to post for me.
I used some P130 last night to keep my anxiety at bay as much as possible. I thought maybe, just maybe I would hear from Rob this morning since he almost always comes over on Sunday for coffee. Nothing. SO I texted him, telling him I would send him the tickets to the concert we are supposed to go to in two weeks. That I really wanted him to go, because it is his favorite singer, a great venue, a pretty drive up, etc. That he could take whoever he most enjoyed being with, that I just wanted him to have a nice evening because he means the world to me.
He texted me back and said ‘I am only going if you go with me’
I said I would love to go, but i wanted him to have a good time.
He called me a little bit later. He forgot what weekend it was and thought this was the weekend I had my kids. I had to switch weekends a couple of weeks ago and he says he is still all screwed up on what weekend it is. He came in to the store and I made him lunch and we talked a bit. He was HIGHLY offended that I suggested he might leave me if I were sick. I knew I worded it all wrong and I tried to explain, he says he is over it, but that was the worst anyone has ever offended him and that I must think he is a horrible person, etc, etc…
I also said I wished I had taken him to a restaurant up north that I love going to. He said, “why, did they close?” I said they were still open and he asked why I couldn’t take him then. Then he gave a big dramatic sigh(imitating me) and said it was ‘too bad I didn’t like him enough to take him there’…not entirely sure what he was after there. He knows how much I like him. Even I can feel the little heart bubbles floating around my head when he is around. He also made another comment about us in ten years. He does that a lot. He references the future ALL THE TIME! WHY!!!
He doesn’t love me, why would he still be here in ten years? And how long does it usually take for a guy to decide whether he loves you or not? It’s been a freaking year!
I have come to the conclusion that Rob is kind of a flake. I adore him, but I think the weed gets to him sometimes and he forgets that he was supposed to call, or what weekend it is. When I am with him, his body language is good, he gives NO indication that he isn’t being honest with me, I have always known him to be honest(even for the five years I knew him before we started sleeping together), every single time I lose faith in him, I am wrong! Always wrong. So am I just an idiot? Am I just so badly hurt by the last one that I will always have trust issues?
I have some pheros I haven’t tried on him. Anyone have any suggestions about P96, P91, MX443, P133…?
And I am sure I sound like as much of a flake as him. I am not usually. He just has me really confused…
Maybe you 2 could use a nice weekend getaway with no distractions and try to figure things out. I am going thru similar things and the stress can’t be good at all for you with being sick. P96 by itself seemed like a cross between IS and P74 for me. I had to wear around 15 MCG before I noticed anything. I do suggest pairing it with something to make it come alive. By itself I didn’t get a whole lot from it. I don’t have any experience with the others yet.
Hi Somechick,
I’m glad things are back on the mend with Rob. I wish you two could get on the same page concerning your wants and needs, though. Maybe right now isn’t the best time, with all the health issues going on, but at some point you two need to have a frank discussion about how he goes completely off the radar for long periods of time. Clearly this isn’t healthy for you SomeChick, event though it may be convenient for him. Probably it is the wacky tobaccky that causes this, but for him to be just gone at the times you need him most shouldn’t be explained away. It doesn’t sound to me that you are bugging him with text messages every 5 minutes, so at some point I would think he should get back to you. Any chance he would be ok with a once a day sort of “check-in” to discuss how each of your days had gone, just to keep those lines of communications open?
These long, drawn-out periods of no communication would leave the best of us feeling insecure and second-guessing true connection. If he is as committed to you as he says he is when you are together, then he should be reachable when you want to see how his day is going, right?
P96 is a bonding and beautifying pheromone, but be sure to look at MissDragon’s recent journal post where she feels that this caused a depressive crash after some extended use, so just be mindful of this. I haven’t experienced this personally with P96, but I’m not using it regularly, especially since my sweetie is off to TN visiting relatives last week into next week.
pudleduk
It’s part of his game. Its called verbal foreplay. Stirring your mind, putting you in a mental state of being emotionally hot-wired sex doll.
Im sorry for being a dork. I just finished reading your entire journal. But my intention at that time, was to confirm your long-time fear and to state that you are right all along.
I will be including you in my prayers tonight.
About Rob, I guess the two of you started dancing with the wrong foot. There is a potential in there, but I must advise you not to bank on it with all your weight. It’s doomed to fail because its a failure from the very beginning.
Did you try the simple IS+IO+IH combo with Rob? Perhaps its about time to loosen his tongue and spill the real score as he views it. The truth, will always set you free you know. And release you from worrying about you and him.
Take care.
So I am in love with a currently embargoed MX…and I reached into my stash with low lighting and no glasses on and grabbed a bottle I thought was the MX…NOPE! It was one of the Liquid Sunshine MX’s. I don’t know if it is embargoed or not, so I won’t name the number. Let me just say, it’s not a good fit for work! I could NOT make change to save my life! My cash out was a nightmare and took me forever!
I can’t wear IS/A around my bitchy co-worker. It does NOT make for a pleasant day. But if I wear 20 mcg TAL with 30 mcg TAA and 20 mcg B-Nol, she is pretty chipper. Not sure the difference but there is a marked difference in her when I wear TAL vs IS/A
I was once loving the MX335, though unlike Miss Dragon, I can’t wear above 2 sprays. I broke into my hefty supply of that recently since my fave embargoed MX isn’t in stock, but I seem to crash with it now. I will keep trying it, but I really loved it when I wore it WITH my embargoed MX… hope I can get more of that one soon. It is phenomenal!
I still turn to P130 for anxiety, which with health issues, and housing issues and Rob issues, there is plenty anxiety to go around. It really works. I think it’s better than some of the rx’s that I have had in the past. Certainly works quicker for me.
When I wear P130 for anxiety and I happen to see Scott, he always has to touch me. It is really ridiculous how much he wants me. I know that sounds conceited, but I have never, ever had anyone so obviously, um, interested…
I thought I lost a full to-go of IS/B recently and I was soooooo sad! But I found it and it was like finding buried treasure. I stashed it for special occasions…
Another hit when wearing P130. I had a customer tell me( I know him well) that the reason I am single(I don’t really talk about Rob at work) was because I had the ‘cute chick’ curse. That guys are afraid to talk to me because I am too cute! LMAO! That is snort worthy funny! I know P130 can make people say what is on their minds without thinking. Like the totally adorable 27 year old, miserably married boy who asked me if I would take him with me when I ran away from home. No, sorry. I quit homewrecking, after my own.
My ex is hating every time I have to talk to him about my will, etc…one would almost think he’d feel bad if I died, but he is a mean spirited, spiteful little man, Napoleon complex…so I know he will only feel inconvenienced because he’d have to be a full time dad.
We closed on a piece of land last week, so I have some cash now to try to find a house. I am looking at an auction property that would be perfect, even has bakery potential and I really love the house. It is a great location, not too small but not too big, has a 2 car garage, so my pretty truck doesn’t have to sleep outside, but less outbuildings than my farmhouse. it needs a roof, so I think I will talk to Scott. I trust him. Fingers crossed because I really need a bakery! I made English Muffin bread this weekend and brought it to work and gave some to some of my customers, my biggest blueberry muffin fan. He came in this morning, and said my bread was even better than my muffins, he ate all four pieces and when one of them got stuck in his toaster, because it was a little thicker than the others, he threw away his toaster. Then HE said I need a bakery! LOL
So I have been away a while, and much has happened…
In my last report I was doing well with my Bitchy Co-Worker with TAL, but when I bumped it up to 30 mcg, she was HORRIBLE! I tried the lower dosage, and she was still awful, so I abandoned it in favor of an embargoed MX. I have reported on it in its proper forum, and hope that one day there will be enough reports to lift the embargo…
Mostly I have been testing the embargoed MXs, so I can’t discuss those results.
I had surgery recently, and it took forever to get my follow up visit with my doctor! One or the other of us kept having to reschedule. I used some P130 to ease my anxiety when I went back for my follow up. I do not have cancer, but there are still abnormalities that we need to keep our eye on. That is a relief!
I have been house shopping, and it is depressing!! So much of what is available in my area is out of my price range or it is just a hovel. I don’t mind something that needs work, I live in a house that needs work, but I do want one with walls! I looked at one and thought the pictures were the basement because I could see the studs, but it wasn’t…the walls had been torn out. And they still wanted quite a lot for it!
I tried to buy an auction property, but was outbid. The house is now on the market, so I am working on financing to see if I can make an offer on it. I love the house and the yard, and the potential to put a bakery in the lower level.
After a serious misunderstanding with Rob in June, I thought we were all done. So I texted him and said that I knew that to him we were just friends but that I was stupid in love with him…etc etc etc..and I thought he would run screaming for the hills. It took him a few days to process, because that is his way, and he texted me. I was all 'wtf!?" but I realized he was trying, so I decided to be nice. He asked when we were going hiking and I said ‘did you not get my last text where I admitted that I was stupid in love with you, and that to you we are just friends? Won’t that be awkward now?’ And he said, ‘not at all, I love you, too’ . He said I am easy to love, and he seems to love all the things about me that made everyone else say I was hard to love, or unlovable(ex Mr W, trying to be as hurtful as possible). He is the only one who has never given up on me. Maybe it is because he is super mellow, and I am a little more intense.
To say I was stunned would be an understatement. I am still stunned! Actually, I only believe it half the time, because I am my own worst enemy and I have myself convinced that he cannot really love me…
Anyway, he changed his MO after the confessions, and started checking in with me more, texting, or talking to me more. He texted to see how I was before and after my surgery and came to see me as soon as he could. He told me he was here for the next 20 years, and when I asked him if he was really going to keep me for 20 years, he said of course he was, but the real question was, would I? I think he is sometimes as insecure as I am.
He was here last weekend to have breakfast with me, and I was wearing 3 sprays ISB, 30 mcg P74 and one spray of MX471(vanilla cops). He asked for a hug and then as soon as I put my arms around him, he gave a huge sigh and said,’ you can just stay right here until you have to go to work…’ then every time I tried to move, he just tightened his arms around me. Not to trap me, because I was not really trying to get away from him, but just because he was so content like that, and so was I.
He came back later, after I got home from work, and since I had gotten to green light to have sex again after my surgery, I TAC’d him…he was a lot happier than I was! LOL, we had not had sex in more than two months and it hurt! Man! If I had known he was packing that, I never would have given him my number in the first place! Aw, who am I kidding? I wanted him for years… I also had on the same mix as earlier and he was very content to just lie in my bed with me for an hour and a half, until he had to go home because his kids were coming home. While we were lying there, he was talking about something( cannot remember what) and I asked him how he ended up here(meaning with me) and he said ‘because after all those years of going in the store, I finally opened my mouth’
We also had a disagreement because I was being an ass, because I thought he was coming to see me but he was later playing basketball than I thought he was going to be, and I was tired and cranky, so I gave him a hard time. He thought it meant I had a low opinion of him, and I said 'I freaking adore you!" and he said 'And I, you"
We shall see. He said the 20 year plan does NOT include the year he has already had me, and that he wants me to get this house because he wants to help me fix it up.
I guess I just can’t understand why this gorgeous boy wants ME, when he could have some young, hot chick…
Glad about the surgery and the non-cancer news 'chick!
It seems that all the sunshine is on you, girl!
And with prospects to extend for 20 years! Lotta reason to smile.
Puppy Love! LOVE!
I bought some Puppy Love and I have been wearing it to work, along with 20 mcg P74 and 20 Mcg TAA…makes the Formerly Bitchy Co-Worker eat out of my hand! It is UNREAL! Never in the history of this job has she gone this many days in a row without being a total douchebag and everyone at work can see it. They just don’t know why! It is amazing! I need a larger supply of this because, damn! This is the best way I know of to be happy at work without getting a different job!
I wore the above mix with one spray of CTTM yesterday and I could not believe how sweet, and chatty she was! And those are two words that are rarely, if ever, used to describe her. I actually like her, but she is so controlled at home by her husband that she has walked all over everyone at work for years. When she is around the Puppy Love, she walks on no one. Great, great stuff.
I haven’t worn it around Rob yet, which I do intend to do. Around my ungodly beastly pubescent daughter, it tames the evil down to minor demon spawn level, from Satan’s sidekick. She has been SO bad lately, and I do understand in some ways, but I didn’t live with my mom and my stepmother was straight out of a fairy tale. I may appreciate my mom a little more than someone who always squabbled with theirs. She has been gone since 2004 and I still miss her daily.
I am going to look at a house tomorrow. I think I will try Puppy around the realtor. Not that he is the one selling the house, but it can’t hurt! We have an offer on my farm, and I am devastated to leave it. 105 years of my family’s history…and our crap! No one has ever thrown anything away. it’s kind of a treasure trove.
Somechick
I love reading bits in your journal…especially in this painfully tortuous class.
I think I’ll steer a keen eye in the direction of puppy love also. Thanks for the tip!
I hope all goes well and am sorry about the farm this must be very hard.
I have wore the TAA and P74 together and it does work very well for taming people down that are normally mad at the world.
When I paired these 2 with any of the CTTM MX set (MX405-407) it worked wonders so you have found a near perfect combo.
Hi Somechick,
I just discovered your journal and I finished reading through the 34 pages. It’s full of great information. I enjoy your writing style as well. Thanks.
Life is basically sucking right now. I am not looking for pity and I am not having a pity party. It just seems like I cannot catch a break.
The house I was trying to buy, that would have been the answer to my prayers, that I was thisclose to buying…the seller made me jump through hoops, strung me along for since August, asked me to get my contract ready with my lawyer and THE DAY it was ready and I was on my way to sign it, she accepted another offer. I know that is how it works and she was well within her right to do that, but it sucks.
Everyone keeps telling me that shit happens for a reason and that something better will come along, but that is so not true in this case. I live in an area where housing is quite expensive. I do not make a ton of money and though I will get some from the estate, I still cannot afford much in my town. This house would have given me the opportunity for a second income. I was so close to my little bakery. There are no other houses in town or even the next town over, with the space for a bakery, with the zoning for a bakery, with everything all ready except the appliances, in my price range. What I am looking for is very specific and very, very rare, in this area.
Anyway, lost the house and things with Rob have been off, and I think we are all done…weird…I kept doubting him, because I have learned never to trust anyone, and he kept trying and I kept being cynical. I basically accused him of using me for money and I hurt him very badly. I don’t know if he will ever see me again. He has had VERY little to say in weeks, but when I texted him the other night to apologize, tell him what he meant to me, and that I wasn’t going to keep trying to get him to talk to me if he didn’t seem interested in talking to me, that I loved him very much and wished him well, he didn’t respond until the next morning, and when he did he said ‘I love talking with you and spending time with you. I always have.’ but when I said ‘Then what happened? because you don’t do either anymore’…he never replied.
This is long and whiny, I know, just wanted to give a good picture of what is going on, so you can understand my mood. I have had to use P130 quite a bit so my head will shut the hell up. That is another thing I will miss about Rob. For the first time in my whole life, I had peace of mind. When I was with him, I lived in the moment and loved life. No idea what it was about him that just soothed me and comforted me. Had I been able to see him more, had he not lived in Boston and been gone so much, perhaps I could have gotten over my insecurities in time to not drive him away. I hurt him and I can’t seem to fix it, so I am letting him go.
I have been wearing Puppy Love to work. It is still working wonders on people I work with. I get a TON of people saying I smell amazing when I wear it. I love the smell of it myself. People I would expect to comment on it tell me I smell good. Like the guy who said ‘you smell so good, I want to sop you up like a biscuit’.
I also like the Vanilia copulins mixes. They smell SO GOOD!!! I get a ton of compliments when I wear those as well. I don’t go out loaded for bear with them or anything, just a little bit to enhance. And everyone, even people who have known me for many years, say I look so much younger than I am. An old friend the other day told me I look like I am in my late 20’s to maybe 30, and I have known him for 30+ years! LOL, then he told me I had a great ass! Which was funny as hell because he has been a giant slut since he was in his early twenty’s so he has seen a lot of ass! I am proud to say, I am one of about five women that I know that have NOT ever slept with him! He is a great guy. works hard, has a couple of houses, lots of cool toys, and he is in pretty good shape, if he would stop being so picky, he would make someone a great boyfriend. He usually only makes it a few months, real commitment phobic.
I am getting ready to go to Disney next week with the kids. It will probably be the last time we go away as a family. They are getting older and I won’t be able to afford to take them there when I am paying a mortgage. One day I am still going to find a way to do the Appalachian Trail. I thought it would be with Rob but I think I have accepted that I will be doing it alone. Lots of people thru hike alone. I have hiked my whole life in the Whites, which are some of the harder parts of the trail, so I will keep hiking here, and when I am ready, I will go alone. Who knows, maybe I will run into Rob out there…
I am going to try making a custom mix with my next order, which I hope will get here this week. Stuff seems to take a whole lot longer to get here than it used to. I am trying to recreate the effects I got from an out of stock embargoed MX…I will let you know how it turns out.
If you read this whole thing, take yourself out for a nice dinner or some drinks, you deserve it!
maybe Rob just needs some time because I find that men are really babies when they are really hurt. I would wait some time to contact him if he doesn’t contact you first. I’m sure that you’re tired of hearing things happen for a reason ( about the house) but really they do. You just can’t see it right now. Keep working towards your goal and you will see that your next opportunity will be so much better because it will be for YOU. Have fun at Disney and keep being who you are. You seem like a beautiful person! Hey we all have those funky periods of time ya kno?
You writing this and dishing out friendly advice to us, is an assurance that despite of all these, you are on the okay side of life.
Regarding Rob, maybe you need to skirt off the “Then what happened? because you don’t do either anymore” kind of question first, in the early part of your attempt to “reconnect”. I think it scares him. Not to a point to run as far away as possible kind of scare, but the possibility of making the communication into a some kind of blame game is the one scaring him.
And I’ll second strwbryangel’s thoughts above.
Hi Somechick, here’s my guy opinion on this. The message you sent him is the kind of message any good guy would accept as a sincere gesture to try and mend things up. He should acknwoledge that it requires sincerity, maturity and deep respect for a relationship to write your heart out on the table like this in such circumstances. He should at least accept to have an adult conversation about this. I agree with strwbryangel that guys can act questionably when they’re hurt, but he should eventually snap out of it and reach out back to you. If he’s worth it, that is. I’d say the ball is in his glove right now. You did what you had to do. If he doesn’t give you a sign, don’t let that affect you, it’s just life telling you: “You’re ready for someone new”. Keep in mind the principle that “If someone is trying to harm you, that someone is the problem, not the solution”. And silence often harms more than words. For your bakery, don’t let that dream die. You lost a battle, not the war. Determination will take you there eventually. In the meantime, enjoy Disney with your kids, they’re the ones, including you, who matter most at the time. Hope you won’t mind me dropping several chinese cookie messages this morning .
I am confused. I got an email saying my profile was modified, to reporting user status…but I have been a reporting user for several years now…
Rocking some IS/b today. Need that awesome feeling it gives me to make it through the day. I have come to the conclusion that I have to let Rob go…that whole ‘if you love something set it free’ thing…
I will say a prayer for you somechick. I know life can be rough at times. Try not to worry so much and I know it is easier said than done.