Hey everyone,
I’ve been absent from here for a while. Life has been very, very hectic for me recently. I am finally at a place where I can take a breath, but I suspect it’s merely the calm before the real storm hits…
Professionally, life has been in a productive upheaval. I’ve been working for past two months non-stop on a full workshop/conference I was to host. This was my initial foray into my new geographical region, and a brand new break into a new market. I had a one day deal to wow ‘em and reel them in to my “business.” (I train and teach intelligence/counter terrorist “stuff” as a private consultant to all my old coworkers in the military & government.) Well, that day has come and gone. I believe I did fabulously. I’ve gotten tons of positive responses and wonderful feedback. I didn’t do as well as I knew I could have, but they still loved it, so I guess it’s all good! I have already received contacts for follow up individual training and more conference invites. The calm before the real storm…
I wore a wonderful phero mix that day, which I will post all about in my next round of phero updates.
Personally, life has also been very interesting. I went on a … weird first date. They guy was like Jekyll & Hyde. The first part of the evening was great – dinner, drinks, some dancing. He was a great conversationalist and had a great sense of humor. He was a geeky engineer. It was fun. THEN, he took me to a “house party”… that was Satan’s Fucking Lair. It was filled with drug users, sex, porn, strippers, coke, meth, pot, everything you think you see on a CSI episode – it was there. I walked in, saw what was happening, and walked out. It was terrible. That ended that date.
I’ve also recently noticed I seem to be a freak magnet. This didn’t happen before I started using pheros. I also do NOT use pheros everyday. Is there some way this turns into a lasting/permanent effect on you? I seem to be attracting anything and everything these days! Young boys, older guys, freaks, fetishists, friends, strangers – I am getting hit on right and left, from strangers and from old friends. It’s weird.
Of course, the only one who is not overtly hitting on me is “Him!” 
I’m still very interested in my “crush” from the beginning of the year. Some of you reading this were “victims” of my emotional roller coaster during this time. I was asked why I was so interested in this one, since I am never, never fixated on one guy. Oneitis doesn’t affect me. I generally don’t even like dating or men. (not because I don’t like men – I love men! But because it’s sort of a bother, a distraction, one I don’t have time for in the best of times, much less now!) But this one… there’s something very special about him, as an individual. He’s alive. He owns himself. Everything he is is expressed through all that he does. He exudes himself. He’s guarded. He’s arrogant. He’s introverted. He wears masks. He’s funny, hysterical, humorous, kind, caring, patient, thorough. He and I connected on a special level. We started as friends, then recognized that we both are the same. The same emotionally. The same internally. The same guarded, introspective, arrogant, yet *alive * personality. We connected at a visceral level.
So I was thrown for a loop when our date was canceled by him due to his nervousness. That sent me into a nervous spiral of weird. I was so out of my element that I was very, very spastic. VERY spastic. It was silly. I didn’t recognize myself. But there was a very strong reaction to the potential loss of this important connection.
Anyways, I eventually took all the advice that was directed at me and left it all alone. I focused on entirely different things, left it all alone and returned to my normal life. I worked on my workshop, met other people, went on dates (other than Satan’s Lair boy too!) got involved in new activities – just lived normally.
And then I decided to drop back in and say hi to Him. He had told me that I could come say hi or call/email anytime, which I had not done at all. So I did – I dropped by. Talk about crazy! He was shocked to see me. It had been a while, with no contact. When he saw me, there was one long, looong, look, a slow “I can’t believe it” blink, and then a slow, happy, “Hi!” We started talking and fell right back into our old conversation patterns and fun. Since I had no expectations walking into this meeting, I had no nervousness either. I was able to just fully enjoy it. I had forgotten how much FUN he was, wrapped up in all my stress and anxiety over the loss of connection.
Well – no loss of connection here. We were flirting, talking, laughing, enjoying each others company and energies. Being together. Being with someone who understands the world as we each see it. There was no expectations on the moment, no pressure, no talk of any future anything. We stayed together for several hours, enjoying each other, then left and headed home. He told me he was very happy that I stopped by and hoped I would come back. He was also very interested in being involved in a professional advising role to some of my workshop attendees who need medical authorities. (long story.) I told him I’d send more info. I was also wearing a lovely phero mix then too! Nothing overtly sexy. More socials.
I sent the info. He read it. He was very, very interested. He wished me luck on my workshop. Wanted to be kept updated.
I ended up tutoring a former student of his who was in my course too. (The bubble of dumb, for those that remember him!) He needed to retest and get nationally certified after our course, which he hasn’t done yet, but I have. I went back and tutored the kid at his office. The kid was getting tutoring from the associate instructor, and He was locked in his office, hard at work. I sneaked into the back and waited for the kid. They all saw me and said hello, said my name, etc. Not two minutes after they said Hi to me/said my name, guess who popped out of his office!? Him! He popped around the corner, saw me, said Hi, waved enthusiastically, smiled, asked how I was, etc. Then he went back to his office, leaving the door open. I stayed with the kid for a bit, then realized he was extending the tutoring for another hour with the associate instructor. So, I had some extra time to kill…
I ended up going to His office, sitting down, and chatting again with him. It was like before, but better. Much more intimate, much more connected. We had always had some residual nervousness whenever we started talking to each other, but that dissipated within the first three minutes. This time there really wasn’t any. Just definite happiness and emotional connections. We couldn’t talk enough to each other. The depth of the experience was incredible.
I was wearing a wonderful TAH based mix. He was eager to be with me and eager to be near me. When I walked outside for the better weather, he followed me, when he had no reason to. The whole afternoon was … magical. Not because we continued our flirting, but because the “flirting” thing was nonexistent. We seemed to be interacting as if we were already …. There. Already emotionally bonded. Already fully connected.
It was … easy. It was comfortable. It was happy. It was natural. Again, no expectations. No pressure. Just comfort, ease, closeness. What *it should * feel like.
His birthday is tomorrow. I had already planned on giving him a gift (wine). I’m still moving forward with that plan, and not changing anything. Something is there. I’ve known that since the beginning. Something hasn’t died. Something is propelling us forward through this weird togetherness crazy spiral. I am trusting this something. I am trusting that our expectation-less, emotional connections are building to an interpersonal overt connection.
We’ll see.
Until then… the calm before the storm is slowing fading away…
I’m so freaking busy and overworked its silly. I really don’t need the energy going to anything other than work right now. But, with this one (now that it’s all sorted and no longer draining me away!), it’s actually augmenting me… if that’s makes sense… ? But I do not have the time/energy/patience to cultivate/find/stumble upon another person who could augment me right now. If this fizzles, then it will be a while before I find this experience again.
) That was not phero related. He was far from sniffing distance. If I had good silliage, then he was in my vapor trail, BUT, I don’t think so. After we started talking later on, he was warm, friendly, interactive, caring, and emotionally present. He was able to open up about his feelings as well - just in general, mind. His stress regarding his move, some frustrations with the day and students, etc. He also started to stand very close to me. We headed outside to enjoy the weather and he was right there. He’s pretty careful and considerate of private space, normally. But probably most interesting were his eyes - focused on me. Not the body; me. I’m not sure if i can adequately describe it - protective is thrown around a lot when talking about TAH, but it wasn’t that. Wasn’t that really at all. Soft, yes. Happy. Comfortable. Trusting. With and added spark - it wasn’t a mix for a long-term friend. It was like a classic romance phero mix, where Claudio and Hero are perfect for each other, perfectly in love, perfectly content and confident in it. (Did anyone get that reference…?)
