Me, I just back away slowly, when dealng with people who are trying to mess with me, back away slowly like from a rattlesnake. I also have a home in very small safe town and have few people who could cause any damage about, and I have noticed that many really evil people love excitement and have no patience at all- generally sociopathic people need excitement in their life and get bored easily, so I am very patient and do not involve myself quickly in realtime and dont do things that stimulate the sociopathic need for excitement. I try to stay off their radar, though there are always some threats out there. So far as an adult have stayed off radar most of the time. Also I dont trust people who seem too good to be true.
gonna go to bed now, I am tired. goodnight Astrea.
The biodonor left when I was 2, knowing full well what he left me with. My stepdad had no rights. Only a stepfather and my half sister was not at risk. She was the literal golden child for the mother.
The professional happened when I was 17, I left her house as a legal adult at 18 - 2 days after my birthday. The ‘help’ he wanted to give was 10 years too late. I was combat ready for the world. And have never taken that kind of physical abuse ever again. Anyone hits me, I make their life a living, legal hell.
I never protected her - ever. I never pretended I was ok. Just very adroitly avoided committing to a statement. What is not said is just as important as words screamed from the rooftops. I understood very early that keeping her secrets was aiding and abetting her transgressions.
I remember realising that, as much as I loved him; my stepfather was spineless. He never stopped her, and as his sensibilities were offended by the violence, would walk away while she beat me - sometimes unconscious.
I also remember always being alone in my head. By that I mean I’ve always done my own thinking, processing etc. I knew what she was from the earliest moments of cognitive thought. And was always careful about what situations she could be “trusted” in. I had to be able to read her moods just from a look. Look to long and . . . Skills that have served me well, tho’. There was no learning curve with dealing with people in that way. So, now everyone knows why I don’t fathom guys. No time as a kid to learn about those interactions; and since it’s not essential to my survival, not interesting enough for me to deal with the drama that guys bring.
Take me as I am - or not at all.
Thank you, had very peaceful dreams! I feel the same way about you, you are wonderful and smart and I am glad you shared with me. Proud of us both.
I noticed your avatars- one bunny and one without bunny ears, did you design them?
I love the pictures in my head of planet happycarols beautiful rainbow colored dreams.will think on them a while.
going to zoo and theme park with family, hope to have a great and fun day, feel good Will ride an elephant if I can today.
7:30 home. I found myself being relaxed and happy during this trip, even with the crowds of people, long lines and junk food we ate. I found that then the shine and IO started to wear off, I started to feel a bit tense, and my smiles felt a little forced. I will carry a to go sized spray in the future when going to such a crowded place in the future. Still, it was a lovely day, people were friendly, sun was out, cool breeze, animals well housed and cared for, baby cheerful and darling. My daughter in laws parents and sister went with my side of the family, we really got to know each other better. Good day. However did not ride the elephant, it was twenty dollars for a short lead around a ring!
I protected my mom her whole life.I also spent a lot of my life caring for her,driving cross counry when she needed help, sending money. even though she was a real pain! The complex thing for me was I never could know what was just mean and nasty behavior and what was just her illness. In some ways it was helpful to me and in some ways protecting her harmed me, it was not clear cut.
I had to read my mothers moods like a book too, be hyper alert, sort of like someone in a war zone I imagine. I remember that there were days I felt as if I should throw I a hat and see if she would shoot it before I would go into a room. I think it made me uncommonly perceptive and also very good at reading body language. Also, when people are schitzophrenic they have a metallic smell to them when they are having a bad day, really, it smells like the way electric wires smell when they short- just a tinge metallic. I could smell bad days on her, or for that matter, on other people who are scitzophrenic.
You’re so much more tolerant than I. When I left, I went back only once. To see if we could get some understanding, apologies and closure - the usual stuff. She informed me that I was imagining things. It never happened. When I pointed out that I had hundreds of witnesses from the march of years - her eyes went flat, and she basically said that if I didn’t want to accept that it wasn’t her fault; it was too bad.
She never expected me to walk out and never look back. I consider her and her side of that family to be Breathing Bandits. Meaning that they’re using oxygen best reserved for someone who needs it more.
All things said and done; if the leopard doesn’t change it’s spots - who has the problem. Her? For being her? Or me? For not accepting who she is? The answer is me. I accept that she is what she is. I don’t like it, and so, I leave her and all attached to her, in her space and don’t go there. And haven’t since. Life’s good. I choose the people I spend time with - especially “family”.
Sweetest Dreams of Planet HappyCarol to you - every night.
If I had been in your shoes I hope that I would have done the same thing, it was the best you could do with an awful situation, and from what you wrote your mother knew what she was doing. I hope I could do what was best and walk awayfrom someone like your mom.
The difference was my mom was sick as well as being mean, she was not always responsible for her actions. Yes, she was messed up and who knows what would have been had she taken the right drugs, accepted medical help, gotten counseling, been a better person. Admittedly she was responsible for that. And Yes, she was abusive, but more through neglect and her craziness. She was quite heartless, come to think of it because she never realized I was a person with my own feelings, I waa an extension of her to use as she pleased or to forget, or to treat as a doll, but I also looked at old photo albums from when she was young and from when I was born and she had a life then-the house was clean, kids fed, she looked healthy and beautiful. I dont remember but I think she fell apart when I was a little older like two or three or so
The illness disguised who she was. I caught little glimpses of her, when she was not schizing out. She was a person in there, so frightened and so confused. When she lashed out it was not at me-she didnt know me at all. I was angry at her when I was young until after some years I really looked at her.
It took a long time but about four years ago I helped to put her in a nursing home when she was unable to physically care for herself, it was the best time in her adult life, she was safe and clean and really kind of happy finally, to have people care for her. when I would visit she had no idea who I was but was so very happy to see me. She told the nurses I was her friend, and I had brought a children’s book with me and she wanted me to read it again and again. she would forget I had read it and just wanted to hear it again. She would send me tiny folded notes in cards that said she was being held hostage, to come save her, and tuck them into cards that would say she was having a great time and loved it there.
last year I stayed days with her while she died,I slept in a chair and held her hand and helped her let go. For me it was the right thing to do, and when she died my closure was that finally it was over and I didnt need to worry about her any more. I think I loved her, simply because she was my mom. I have a jumble of memories of her, some awful, (yet so funny in a sick way have a very dark sense of humor just from being her kid! funny and scary mixed together.
She loved science and was very smart and also very sick, so the mix was nuts, For example she caught bats and let them live in our garage,just to look at them they flew free and covered stuff with bat poop Of course my fear was they may have rabies and the bat poop stinks and my neighbors thought it nuts.
she has glass jars with black widow spiders living in them, (she liked to look at the egg sacks and watch them hatch, was really fascinated with reptiles and insects) and told me that if the jars broke and I was bitten that eventually I would become immune to them, Which is just nuts. Spiders still can creep me out a bit. Black widows can be deadly. The fridge often had dead critters in it that she caught, ugh. like moles ( she thought they had some poison in them, poison in their claws, and wanted to show them to an “expert” to find out what the poison was. Ugh, never knew what I would find in there. House was trashed.
she would leave for days and show up with strange crazy people who did exotic drugs and fell asleep on the floor, one woman took metal shears and cut apart all the clocks in the house.
she would drag me up at two am to make cookies or tell me that my brother was bad because he “smelled like a man”, She would pour cat food into a bowl to feed me ( it has high protein and I refused to eat it so she got upset) or we would go without food at all, or eat waffles, or have a feast complete with cranberry sauce and turkey. When she was gone I had no food for days, we would lose our housing or electric. She gave away our only car to a womans shelter, and we had no transportation or money for rent, she had over a thousand dollars in parking tickets because she would leave the car in new york city any where she felt like and walk away from it.
On better days she would take me out of school for a week and take me to the city for gay pride marches, marches aganst apartheid, she would take me to museums and cafes and hiking, . Sometimes she would drop me off somewhere and totally forget me, like she would have forgotten a hat or coat. I would hitch hike home, god only knows how I found my way back though strangers would help. She was a force. She did as she pleased when she pleased, a crazy rebel/poet/mad scientist. She was an awful mom but a fascinating human when I was old enough to take care of myself. Just a whirlwind of a human force. When she was dying her feet kept on moving while she was lying there, running, as if she could run away even from death, I told her that she was very brave, that she did a good job and so now she can stop and let go, and her feet stopped running, and she died. Her whole life she was running away or to something. But there was some beauty in the force, some thing wild and free and dangerous that was attractive as well as being messed up, you know?
My mom died the way she lived, her own way:she just decided she would stop eating and drinking at all, ever. She lived in New York in a nursing home when she died, I lived in Maine. The nursing home did not tell me she refused to eat and drink for two weeks or so, they just called me a few days before she died and told me she was dying. I was upset that they had not told me she stopped eating and drinking, but I understand why they did it. I would have asked that she be forced and prolonged it, which would have been bad so they were being kind.
As long as no one had to depend upon her, she was cool and cold and fascinating-like lightning. I am not pretending it was not awful but we also had some really strangely fun times too…mad hatter/dark fun mixed with real true fun.
She drove once to the grand canyon and we hiked down and ran out of water, we met a mule train and I srambled onto the back of a mule, who tried to rub me off on a cactus because he didnt want to carry me, we wound up in Havasupai by the waterfall, met a wise woman who taught her about mushrooms, puffballs I think.
she drove during a tornado and our car spun into a culvert,we wound up seeing dawn while eaten by mosquitos. we picked up hitchhikers, some kind, some cruel.
She took me for weeks on the Appalachian trail, I learned to love the woods, got a rare mouth virus from drinking bad water my mouth and lips and throat covered with scabs like cold sores it was excruciating. she fed me a piece of rattlesnake some one had killed (tastes like chicken) and wore the skin on her hat, we had racoons steal our food, I banged pots togetherand yelled to scrare off bears who would follow in the distance occasionally when we hiked, wanting our food. Watched the sun rise. Good days she was fun, bad days she threw rocks at me and yelled, paranoid that I was trying to brainwash her or poison her. went where ever she wanted when ever she wanted, a gypsy life, when she wanted my company, left me alone for days when she wanted to be alone. She would go away and come back off and on for years, between when I was eight and sixteen, while I fended for myself and my brothers till my dad took them.
Finally when I was sixteen she left for good. I was homeless. She had given away everything I owned, all my stuff. That broke my heart, because I had a stuffed animal collection my dad had given me, i really liked them, had a tiny hedgehog dressed in lederhosen! loved the hedgie. I dropped out of school and got a ged and made my way till I had a life.
Any way, our moms were different and my mom had some characteristics which made her charming and fun to people, even though she was crazy. I loved her, didnt trust her but had some love for her. I had her cremated , ( I was the only person who knew and cared) and took her ashes to New York and went to the cemetery of the person she loved most, her lover Kate who hung in fifteen years during her crazy times. I went in and scattered her ashes on Kates grave which is against the law, my only lawless act ever that I know of, I was scared and made a mess of it and some blew into my face and I dropped it all into a clump of ashes, instead of a hidden tiny amount on the grass, and I tried to hide it, but pushed a little with my sneaker to hide it,and then realized it was my mothers ASHES I was pushing, and felt sick, and then I dumped it all,and told her I loved her and drove the hell away back to Maine, thinking someone would see me somehow and I would get arrested for ash dumping. It was actually sort of funny in a really sick way, my break with the law for a minute. But you would have had to have been there to find it funny I guess.! Have not been back, doubt I ever will, I did well by her, and have some satisfaction in that.
6 am, happy day, new roof getting put on my house, yeah!
Construction guys abound and so do trucks and noise and lots of hammering and I got them ice/doughnuts/water/chips/gateraid to get the barn raising groove on.
IO 2 sprays
IS/B two sprays, almost out
Instant shine 2 sprays 2x
Doing fine with all the chaos, even though the noise is making my dogs yap.roof looks great, Maine style metal roof forest green-melt that winter snow right off, last forever, at least my lifetime. Guys work in harmony, tossing things from ground to roof like circus artists, walking across scary ladders placed in precarious spots. still I remain calm and cheerful. Whoopie! Am the happiest of happycarolness
2:30 spritz of shine
Great day, went to dinner with family at olive garden and wandered around target to buy trinkets to send to my son in afghanestan, found snacks and mini lego warriors, card games, mints. MY youngest son held the baby and was so proud that he got him to sleep. Both IO and shine seem to bring out the best in people. So many smiles when we passed holding the baby.
I think you’re so much better than I. Realization that she was never going to care for me; that she in fact hated me, had me emotionally cut off from her by the time I was 8. I just silently made my plans and waited a decade.
No, I got the funny. As you say, the darker and twistier humor - but we laugh where we can and for whatever reason we can. It’s called survival. I told her I loved her - when she beat the crap out of me, unconscious and came to with her shaking the crap out of me screaming in my face “Do you love me”. I was 8, so I said yes. And hated myself for years for it. Beyond moving out - this was the kind of thing I had to work on. The damaged processes and the self punishment dished out over and over because I lied to survive. Didn’t give myself a break over that garbage for a long time.
I don’t know if the mother (I won’t say mine - I support the Raelians; google them) is dead or alive. I don’t know if my half sister is dead or alive. But they both made my life so decidedly, horribly traumatic; I don’t care. If they’re dead - good. They can’t harm anyone else. The vindictiveness was not just aimed at me - like hyenas; it was aimed at anyone they saw as a target. Which was everybody else.
I have forgiven - all of them. Doesn’t mean I want those kinds of people in my life. I moved on. I don’t have anything to do with alleged “blood” family. Other peoples’ families generally stress me out. Other people’s mothers - I generally stay away from. Not out of any expectation of repetition; but I grew up with my own kind of thinking and I don’t need ‘motherly advice’ from anyone. Too many mothers shove it at you, thinking (erroneously) that I have some kind of yearning to be mothered. I don’t. That kind of reaction creeps me out. I don’t call anyone ‘mom, ma, mother’ whatever. The bf who’s mother I liked; everyone called her ‘ma’; I called her Mrs … That says it all. Wouldn’t even call her by her first name. I didn’t want her getting too comfortable and crossing my lines. She was fine - in her place. Which was nothing to do with me. I never get in between a mom and her kid. No matter how old the “kid”.
Thank you so much for sharing this much of you. May you have Planet HappyCarol in clouds of IS and IO. Sleep well.
I am not at all better, just a different type of mess that I was in, different story.
Raelian:googled for a minute, absolutely in sync with Genicocracy, very good idea, our present system is more based upon financial backing/ media style popularity-Lincoln would have never been voted in nowadays, and he was one of the bright ones, have you read his letters? Jefferson too… did a scan on the three books, not in sync with some of the Raelian philosophies though.
About the mom/family stuff:good to know about you. Thanks for telling me
Excellent and sunny day
6:30 am
1 2x instant shine spray
1 2x instant honesty
2 sprays IS/b almost out of this
all on torso, neck, arms
Today I will do chores, and go for a bike ride and work on house construction stuff. Lawn is a mess too and needs cutting after construction guys leave. My cat loves pheremones, when I spray them on my torso he comes up to cuddle which makes me sneeze. But he is a fine cat, with ginger fur and green eyes, my son picked him out at the shelter, he was shy and skinny and has now grown regal, chubby and relaxed. A calm and affectionate cat.
first hit that I am certain of: man my age, dropping off some material for construction work being done in my yard, very helpful and friendly. after he unloaded the supplies, he walked over to me when I was doing yard work, dragging some wood from a tree that was cut down. He cut up the tree into smaller pieces for me, and helped me carry it, while telling me how much he liked my perfume! He was chatting me up (of course I did not encourage him at all, not going that direction) asking my age, followed me about while I worked, and I very politely went back inside till he took off. Dont want..but it flattered me very much and a real hit. Darn it that IS/B is not available…will have to buy a similar producrt elsewhere when I run out.
I will continue to use them as long as they continue to work for me. I tend to be reflective, introspective, and would like to experiment with any pheremones that are useful for thinking with clarity-pheremones for internal activity- any suggestions?
Excellent day
shower
7:am
IH 2x
shine 2x
IS/b 2x
pink sugar spray to cover
I found that the IS/b is very useful to me, it makes me feel good enough to do things that are healthy for me, ,like exercize/eat right
Makes me feel more like the person I was before I was sick. I think the pheremones are so useful to me, just as an added way to feel OK. Iused to think of IS/B as a way to be attractive, now I think it is a way for me to feel good about myself, and would use it simply to encourage myself, even if I dont plan to see other people. I had to order online a different product from another company because I am running out of IS/B which is shame, hope it is as effective.
Today I take the family to see Harry Potter last movie, will be lotsa fun, beautiful day today,
6:30 pm We had so much fun today. The movie was good, went to lunch after and stopped for ice cream, then walked around, stopped at bull moose, a music store.Relaxed and happy day. I do not need a lot of mones, just a spray will do the trick.
This is what my use of mones became. I love the experimentation, but just knowing that the stresses in mylife can be sidetracked and that I can just ease through a day without maxing out . . . priceless.
Yes, they ease the stress in my life. I find myself being able to relax and have fun, and also they seem to encourage me somehow. I love the fact that they make me feel less stressed but do not interfere with any of my skills and abilities-my mind is clear and sharp, my judgement sound, I am just more able to relax enough to feel happier. I think that my being hypervigilant caused a bit of stress that I was so used to that I was unaware of it, but it made me sort of numb a little-less able to enjoy life.
So for me mones are a way to be relaxed enough to enjoy little moments in life, and it is a bonus that other people find them a pleasure too.
my minor leg surgery yesterday went well, celebrated by going to theater, ogunquit playhouse. Saw music man which was an event, very well done and lots of fun. I love live theatre, and classics like this, I like to see how they make it their own. Leg was numb right through it, and just started feeling it this morning,
I hate sitting round healing, and cant go for a ride or long hike right now, but will go sit with my leg up at Captain America movie.
today is muggy and hot out, shower/
instant shine 2x 1 spray
IO 2x 1 spray
IH 2x 1 spray
My go to mix above. I am going to order more mones in the next few weeks,and try them one at a time. but the above mix, twice a day, is good for being out and about in public for me, and it also seems to energise me, I feel less shy and more apt to go do things.
Besides, not many get the chance to ride an elephant.
Which is just nuts. Spiders still can creep me out a bit. Black widows can be deadly. The fridge often had dead critters in it that she caught, ugh. like moles ( she thought they had some poison in them, poison in their claws, and wanted to show them to an “expert” to find out what the poison was. Ugh, never knew what I would find in there. House was trashed.