You have a good point, Rob. Not every man likes his women as confident and aggressive as I do. I work with some very beautiful women, so I’ve kind of gotten immune to most of the looks alone thing. I have a friend who is always showing off and being aggressive, until a woman responds with aggressive interest. Then he’s totally deflated, and whines like a little boy about “Why can’t she let ME be the man? I wanna make the first move!” lol
So Rob’s right, you also have to factor in his level of self esteem and self confidence, and then the fact that it is entirely true that a lot of men really are intimidated by a woman who is too attractive. If you intimidate with your looks, though, you’re definitely going to have to play the game a bit different if you want anything but PUAs and “I just don’t care” types. (Not making any negs about PUAs, by the way. They come in all types, good and bad, just like everyone else.)
when i was bartending rob, straight eye contact and talking scared most of them away. i definately think that works wonders with the cutesy barbie-type, which i dont mind dating myself, but with someone that even appears slightly aggressive, it is not the way to go,haha.:o
Don’t make me smack you, Lor. lol I told you already… an exceptionally strong woman needs an exceptionally strong man. You don’t expect to be happy with a man who’s not your equal in this regard even if you do wuss yourself down enough to “attract” him, do you? Come on. Stand tall, chin up, shoulders back, chest out. Be proud of your strengths. Demand the respect you deserve. So what if the herd falls away? There’s always the exception. And there are exceptional men out there, believe it. They’re looking for women just like you. Men, like women, love confidence. It’s just that most guys like confidence that does not exceed their own.
Have the courage to make yourself happy. Part of that is not settling for less than you really need and want. Let me give you an example: I need a popsicle, dammit! When are you going to give me that popsicle you promised me?
Its true that you should not settle for less, but at the same time you need to take a look at yourself to see if your high standards have any substance in this reality.
Your comments are great and ring true overall. But the part I really love is where you end with “in this reality”.
Ultra-meta comments like that make me feel like you’re talking to us through some sort of ouija board to forum interface. It’s intense and a little spooky, all at once.
To whom were you speaking, Rob? Me? Lor? Both of us? Everyone?
So far, high standards have had the substance to push me to greater achievement and happiness in my life. I had to significantly raise them for this to be the case. But I had to lower them significantly after I initially raised them way too high in the beginning.
That is so awesome Catlord and Rob! Very well put. You both have excellent points.
Lor, don’t be afraid to go for exactly what it is that you want. If a guy doesn’t like you for who you are, he probably isn’t good enough for you anyway. Don’t be someone that you are not. Don’t settle for less. You won’t be happy in the long run. And most importantly, be yourself. Nothing is more sexy than a person who has confidence in who they are.
And about the seductive stare. Try this one:
Don’t stare relentlessly. Look at the guy in question until you have made eye contact. Look deeply into his eyes as if you can read his mind and see his most secret desires. Facial expression is important here. A friendly smile kills it. A slight, seductive, ‘evil’, pouty smile is essential. Lower your head slightly and look at him slightly from the side. And then look away. Look back again after a few seconds to see if he is still looking. If he isn’t, maybe he just isn’t interested in you. Play this game for a while, and the guy will usually approach you. Making the initial eye contact and then holding his gaze briefly is important.
ilsa my dear you are brilliant.
lowering standards is saying you are not worthy of what you really want.
lowering standards is essentially saying, my standards- that which i want and believe would make me happy- is way too good for me. lets make them LESS and try as hard as we can to deal with it (which is so unfair to the wonderful man you are SETTLING for, who just doesnt meet your needs but surely exceeds someone elses needs because they are different). i respectfully feel that people that think your standards may be too high are thinking you are considering a man less-than another, when in reality a higher standard simply means he has to fit a list of needs that another man may not fit because he wants different things out of life, not because he is not as good.
Uma rocks, girl!
my humble thought here peoples…
are we not creating our reality with every choice, every decision? is our reality predestined and shame on us for wanting more? i thought what has substance in this reality, unless we are following the herd, is a creative endeavor? (okay, am i flaking out? )
Of course you’re creating your own reality. Even formerly stodgy physicists agree with that now. They even talk about entering parallel universes with every decision. Seriously. They’re like modern mystics with equations and particle accelerators.
You can basically do what you want, but when you’re dealing with other human beings, you often have to work with what they want, as well.
Just because you can make your own reality, doesn’t mean you can or should make someone else’s. They have their own lives. Their own wants, their own wills. They see out of their own eyes, feel with their own skin. They make their own choices.
And if they choose to share a portion those lives with you, you may want to consider being respectful of their reality. Sharing is sharing after all, not forcing.
That said, there’s almost 7 billion people on this planet, about half of which are men. There’s tons of fish in the sea to “co-create reality” with. To be co-conspirators with in the game called love.
So you have lots of choices.
Too many, really.
Average life span for an American female is something like 79 years. You’ve lived 35 of them.
You have approximately 16,060 days to live.
Let’s say you were meet and spend time with a different man every week for the rest of your life. You’d only experience 2,294 of them.
One a month, about 535.
Two a year, about 88.
One a year, about 44.
Thing is, you don’t know these other people’s realities without spending time with them. Seems like you might be assuming a lot.
You could’ve met the man of your dreams already (or even many times over), but you blew him off because of something on the outside… a piece of clothing… hair… height… eye color… Maybe he didn’t approach you fast enough, or there was something else “wrong”.. .something that ultimately probably wouldn’t have meant much to you, had you gotten to know the man inside. His “reality”.
I don’t think the point of these posts is to “lower your standards” as much as it is to get out there.. .and experience more. Experience more people, have more experiences, see more places, and make the most out your remaining 528 months on earth.
Life is too short not to make the most out of it… and not to really get to know some people… some of which are far groovier and cooler than you’d ever imagine.
If people had the same “standards” for love that they had for food, many would’ve never tried Chinese food. I
In fact, 've actually met a few people who never tried it, believe it or not. They never tried it, since it just didn’t taste like the kind of food they like.
But how would they know? They never tried it. The only thing they’re eating in full is are their own assumptions about what it tastes like. They really really know, and they’ll die without finding out.
Worse, to me, if they didn’t try Chinese, how would ever get to know the pleasures of, say, Thai food? It’s even more obscure and “scary” than Chinese food… but I know most people here who’ve had it, think it’s absolutely fantastic.
Never let your “standards” get in the way of happiness.
Standards, after all, is derived from the word Standard. A not so fancy word that often means “same old thing”.
If you truly make your own reality, then make it a great one. Make it one full of new things. And make it full of people you want to spend time with. Co-creators of love and delight.
hmmm. not sure where the "looks " of a man came into the conversation… again, men equate the word “standards” with looks, probably because looks are so important to whom they are attracted to first and foremost. haha, whoa- get to know her reality
.
let me spell out “fitting a list of needs” (NOT the same as eye color haha or clothes) :
i like/ or do not like to go out socially…does he?
i need to be able to have my friends around… does he enjoy his privacy?
my work may require long hours… does his personality feel neglected?
i have children… does that rule me out?
im sure i can come up with many more, and if someone doesnt want me because they have higher standards, im thinking they are narrowing it down for good reason, and it is very appreciated to not have my time wasted when he wants more than i am able to give.i hope i am never “settled” for!
how is having high standards being disrespectful and forcing? just curious
Second, do know it was a sort of general rant (I’ve been caught doing this a lot lately, sorry )
Now… Looks comes into the equation, because that’s what you see on the street
Unless you meet on a computer, you get to know people outside in. Women, too. I mean, you have working eyes, don’t you?
So you see the outside. To even identify him as a man, and not a mop or a tub of butter, you’re OBVIOUSLY loking at him! So there.
There’s also the chemical senses – smell and taste. Obviously you don’t taste stranger, but you sure do smell them. (that’s why pheromones provide such a powerful introduction / first impression)
Visual & olfactory (smell) data is really all we have to go on with strangers.
Should they speak to you or others, you also have an auditory impression. To me, I think voice tone and general voice flexibility also “speaks” volumes about someone.
.
How would you know that about a stranger?
You got one of those newfangled RFID scanners that tells you his preferences automatically, without asking?
I don’t know if you understood what I wrote at all. I apologize if i wasn’t more clear.
I wasn’t talking about settling with someone you’ve grown to know, and KNOW is wrong for you… I was just talking about meeting more people. That’s it.
Just like trying new food, it’s worth it to try new people. Types you think you might not even like, just like some think they won’t like Chinese food (so they never even try it)
The simple fact is, though, that more you meet out of the 3.5 billion possibilities, the more chances you have of meeting someone you DON’T have to settle on.
Really, you wouldn’t know any of the above without getting into conversations.
I just see too many people use the concept of “standards” to prevent them from meeting new people.
Tell you what… you have VH1? There’s this decent new show on it called “Can’t Get a Date”. The #1 problem most of the people on there seem to have is one of so-called standards. They assume too much about people they know nothing about.
It’s fascinating see that objectively. (the format of the show is also pretty entertaining – it’s worth a watch or two)
For all you know, the person standing next to you at the grocery store could rock your world. You’ll (meaning people in general, not necessarily you you) have no idea unless you chat them up, and explore their insides a bit.
You can’t fit everything about a person on a t-shirt, after all.
i was talking more about- say, you did your flirt thing and you had a conversation with someone who caught your eye (or NOSE) for whatever reason, im thinking someone makes it or breaks it with the very first conversation, dont you?
you can tell alot about someone saying…" hey bay-bay…you goddit goin onnnnnnn" LOL!
As Ross Jeffries of Speed Seduction fame says in his funny (and crude – children: block your eyes!), almost all men “pop a boner in their own mouths” when they meet a beautiful woman. That’s why they “choke up”.
The dumber they come off, the more they probably like you.
Remember, you might be approached by men 15 times a day, giving you tons of social experience, but most normal guys don’t have that experience.
Most men are deliriously unprepared to meet a women who interests them. They go blank and/or stupid around them.
Pretend you tear gassed them, because you did. Don’t judge them while they’re shocked and dumbfounded. Go out for coffee sometime, or something else relaxing.
This is important – When you meet a man who can handle himself really well around you from the very first second, he’s likely a player.
If you want that, fine. If you don’t… dig deeper
Now, THAT I can agree with 100%.
If they’re rambling on and they’re sleezy or repugnant, that’s one thing.
But if they’re a normal “good guy”, they might just be as boring as hell when you first meet them. They are, after all, choking on you know what! (see above)
actually, i was thinkin more of a party and all you hotties are invited…who’s in ? rsvp, ya know. we are going to study “flirting techniques” so smile for the camera! catlord17 and i have to determine what kind of popsicle we will be serving first… it aids in the flirting…unless there are any other ideas???
heres the invite:
ITS A FORUM PARTY
where: on the “effective flirting techniques” thread
when: yet to be determined
why: to watch us all flirt relentlessly in order to step up our game!
what to bring: maybe post a pic on the forum? we’ll call that a side-dish
CANT BE CLOTHING OPTIONAL…unless MHarris says so… OKAY..WHO ALLS COMMIN’??? lol …IM WAITING…
