Fun!

Field Reports & Anecdotal Experience Women's Journals
1

Okay, in the interest of science, I’m going to go ahead and start. My researcher’s intuition tells me I should establish a baseline and some operational definitions of “success” before I am spraying synthesized human secretions on my bod and wondering around the bigger world.

First, the introduction. Importantly I’m “transgender” which means a lady with a male body. This is not such a horrible condition to have, contrary to what a lot of transfolk experience. I’ve obviously got a Y chromosome, and I’m fine that I don’t “pass” as a woman. As soon as I accepted that my psyche, life experience, and ways of relating to others are just way different from that of most women or men, my life got easier. I prefer “genderqueer” or just “queer” as terms to talk about myself.

What is important to me is that I feel that my essence, my basic sense of who I am, is fundamentally feminine. I’ve tried for years to find some way to connect this with people using words, and the best I’ve ever come up with is to say I feel like a reservoir inside, almost like containing the depths of the ocean and it seeks to be opened, tapped, and known.

I comprehend masculinity as well. To me it feels like anything from a gentle warmth to the heat of the sun, directed at whatever he places his attention upon. .. I like when his attention is on me. I actually do this kind of vibe as well, but it isn’t what I primarily identify myself as being. Though I probably contribute this to my relationships between 1/3rd and 1/2 the time – amounts I feel comfortable with.

So, onwards!

Normal – no Pheromones:

Sunday I went out to meet some friends I have not seen in years as I’ve been living in Taiwan. We met at a place called “ChocoLatte” for some hot chocolate.

As soon as I walked in, I noticed people noticing me. The woman sitting by the door made a long smiling eye contact. Several people looked up from their laptops, in turn, and generally gave me warm, open, and or flirty smiles or looks, depending if they were attracted or just friendly. I think I got one or two double takes with the little wide-eyed, slightly surprised look following them. This was mostly from women, but there were hardly any boys there. This is pretty normal for me.

I greeted my friends, and enjoyed the evening with them. We were able to talk deeply and warmly and truly with each other, just as friends should.

At the farmer’s market (I think I went twice this week), plenty of the same. But also, both times, other women started talking to me by jumping onto things I said to the person I was there with. I think this is normal. Sometimes it’s nonsexual and friendly, sometimes it’s pretty flirty. I noticed some women won’t talk to me while their BF is around, even if I start a really innocuous convo.

Then last night I met an old friend/sometimes boyfriend and his buddy, who is a friend of my sister, for tea and coffee. He called me on the phone and warned me that the buddy just got out of jail and is a total homophobe. So they called me by my old male name (which isn’t even my legal name anymore) and I butched it up as well as I could (though I don’t have any boy jeans, so picture sparkly jeans and a tight black shirt with embroidery and hand-painted Asian motifs).

Before the meeting, I was talking to our waitress. I taught her some Chinese and I flirted a little, but it felt more like just putting out random sexual signals because I wasn’t interested and I don’t know how to fit in with trying hang out with guys, so I sometimes get all purr-ey and sexual with the other women – just to try and relate to someone. She gave me my hot chocolate for free though after some suggestive questions about if I wanted whipped cream all over it.

As for the pheromones, I don’t have any real idea what to expect. I would like to increase my femme vibe and add some extra sexy to it. But I’m very open to anyone’s idea of how to tell if I’m getting more attention because I’m putting off a femme sexy feeling or because I’m putting off a player signal from social proofing with the female pheromones, plus my normal super comfortable self. (I mean, if I walk around reeking of some serious afterglow, I usually get a lot of easy flirty conversations happening).

The only thing I can think of so far is that if I smell like I’ve been having sex with a lady, then the boys might be scared away. However, I also think this is mitigated by the experience that apparently “straight” men are often bi or open to some experimentation as long as it’s discreet. In other words, my assumptions and experience tells me everyone might be open to gettin’ with me anyways (and I’ve been the “gateway drug,” a few times, for men or women, to make a move from gay to straight or straight to gay or bi – as I’m pretty in-between).

Well there ya go, I’ll post more when I get the goods to test. I’m sure the first few days will be an utterly nonscientific playtime, but after I get a hold on myself I’ll try to be methodical about all this. As methodical as I can stand to be.

–Jeannine

Women's Journals' Index
2

Hi! So what pheros did you order/get?

3

I ordered Come Talk To Me formula 2, Instant Shine, and TAL. Now I know TAL is experimental and all, but I had a coupon, so it was only about ten bucks. Not a big risk, but the only other person I found like me on the forums was recommended it and TAH (and TAH costs too much).

Also, after posting on the women’s and men’s forums, several people suggested I try EOW. I bought some but that raises my question about if I’m getting treated nicely due to social proofing, or because I’m genuinely putting out a femme signal.

I’m hoping some of my things come in the mail today for me to play with this weekend.

4

The Big Day One

No Pheros: Okay, so I just got back from my old college. I am requesting a transcript from a professor from many years ago. I met my sister there (she is currently attending)… and I waited around for awhile.

In the student center I was the only white person (very diverse campus, Asians, African Americans (U.S. and like, from Africa), Latin). I got lots of positive attention in terms of eye contact, smiles, friendly warm faces, while I was just hanging out sitting there waiting.

My professor’s secretary was rather cold to me, though she gave me the information I needed.

So now I have to go back and meet up with him. We shall see how my interactions in the student center and library differ with a little extra pheromonal spice added.

Also of note, I’m in a pretty good mood today, had lunch with my sister, bright and sunny and almost finished with all these law school applications. I’m just putting the final touches on everything and then I’ll be moving on, probably to D.C. So I’ve got a nice vibe going.

Will post tonight after I test. How fun!

5

2-3-2009, Day 1

3:01 PM, applied 1 squirt (1st squirt, may not be very full) 25mcg, “Molecule L”

I sort of don’t know if I like this Neroli scent or not. Maybe it will grow on me? I like the orange undertone, but I wish the scent overall were brighter, maybe more citrus-ey, but less sweet smelling. Perhaps I will dig out my oils and cover with Bergamot and Lime, or else add Clary Sage to just “go with the flow” on the herbal scent. I guess I also prefer oil scents to alcohol scents.

Went to my school:

The Subjective Parts (Self effects):
15-20min–I felt a definite sense of continuity of time, like more awareness of each moment.
On the drive to school, I noticed a specific feeling of change in the sexual vibe I was putting out. I have been in a LTR with one of the most feminine women I have ever dated. In that relationship I have fallen into a rather masculine role I have not often been happy with. To me, putting out a masculine sexual signal is like captivating people through power. My lover responding to my swagger and dominance
However, I noticed that my entire vibe was shifting into a form I haven’t felt much in the last year I’ve been living with her. At first, as the pheromone’s flavor was coming on, I felt weakened, as I’ve been leaning on the other feeling in my LTR (which only ended last week, BTW). But then I started noticing the new feeling and seeing how I could go with the flow. I felt like I could relax myself into this undulating motion, like a wave in my body, a way of being, that tended to reel people in, like an elaborate lure of sorts. A sexy sensual kind of attractiveness, VERY comfortable, VERY sexy, VERY confident. By the thirty minute mark I was hooked. I get why people say it’s like Angelina Jolie. Very nice.

Of course, any and all of that could simply be placebo effects. At 3:35, I added a squirt of CTTM2 to the mix, hoping to having a good opening with my prof. so he’d write me a really special letter.

The More Objective Parts (Others Effects):

TAL ONLY: First, on the way out of my neighborhood I stopped at the gas station. Normally the owner is very cold to me, hardly says anything, and stares at me wide-eyed as if I had two heads (I think because of my queer appearance). Today, however, he leaned forward, and talked a lot to me, even making a joke. Very cool.

So I continued on to school, dosing myself with one spray of CTTM2. I went to the student center, and bought a cup of Hot Cocoa. None of the salespeople seemed particularly nice or not nice to me. I sat down and started reading a book. The only thing I noticed was that one woman walked by me, turned around and walked by me again with eye contact and a warm smile. However, my professor’s secretary was still cold, and one cute dyke I passed blew me off entirely.

Then the interesting part happened. Bear in mind I had only been at the school for about ten to fifteen minutes by now After finding out when my prof. would be in his office I decided to go read in the outer foyer of the library. On my way in I made some eye contact with a guy and he just stopped me and started talking, asking me about my book, telling me about his day. I thought he was attractive and he seemed flirty, even giving me a little nickname when I told him my name.

I thought this was cool and I sat down in the foyer. By now I wasn’t noticing any positive self-effects. I only felt a little stuffy and head-achy from the Neroli Orange smell. I started reading again and a woman walked up to me and said, “Hey, you look really happy today.” I said, “really? Well, I guess I am.” I looked back to reading and she said, “What are you reading.” I showed her the book, and she kept asking questions about it and I told her I have studied Qi Kung. Then she asked me to show her, so I stood up and got her into a Qi Kung standing position and started doing adjustments to help her posture. She smiled and said it was fun and we talked a little more. Then she went on about her day.

Now that struck me as very out of the ordinary, because normally people will not just do Qi Kung standing in a public place and then take adjustments from me. Usually people feel uncomfortable at first, even in classes, because of the physicality of it. Also, she was persistent and adamant in her friendliness, certainly more so than normal.

Later that day, around 5PM I added another TAL. No self effects noted. But my cousin came by to visit. Normally he is a real a$$ about politics and stuff. He tends to be really bratty and he needs to be slapped. However, he was exceptionally cheerful and friendly. He picked on me a little about being a boy with a girl’s name and clothing and makeup, but it was friendly and didn’t feel mean at all (and the guy’s a conservative Christian, so he can be pretty bullheaded about all that stuff). Even when he got into politics I was able to steer the convo to something else. Nor did he seem very argumentative. Very very nice.

So, pretty big hits today, I think.

And my meeting with Dr. P went really well. He was warm and nice and promised me a really good reference letter too!

6

Nice report, Jean. Looking forward to reading more. :slight_smile:

7

Yesterday

2-4-2009

Last night, I sprayed 50mcg of TAL before going to sleep, in hopes of conditioning myself to its self-effects. I definitely woke up in the night a few times aware of the same silky sexy confident feeling it gave me yesterday. At 50mcg, it was pronounced in a different way and I was surprised to be feeling as strongly I was. It’s interesting because I have to relax and unfocus enough to note my feeling, otherwise I miss it. But if I make my awareness wide-enough to catch it, then it’s a pretty strong feeling. I am reminded of meditation in this discovery process.

10:15 AM I added 2x IS, before noticing that it was double strength. I hope I didn’t overkill. I do seem to be feeling a cheerful lift going on.

I’m on my way to a different U to meet with a different prof. to solicit a different recommendation letter. I’m taking CTTM2 and my “Molecule L” bottle with me… to dose up later in the day. For now I’m going to see if I get the positive effects from the IS that a lot of people get. I’m basically on the quest for good self effects as I just had a conversation with my last LTR, from Taiwan, and it left me feeling gutted.

9:33 PM, after the day.

I got my good self-effects. It’s interesting. The IS didn’t make me feel obviously cheerful or good in the way that, say, antidepressants or something like that would make me feel good. Just something subtle and non-obtrusive. So there’s another clue. These feelings are not what i anticipated.

I went about my day, at my other old alma mater to get my other recommendation letter for law school. I was feeling pretty good, and being my normal friendly self. I felt like it was a wonderful day of talking to people. I had on CTTM2 and TAL again (along with that early day blast of IS, though I imagine that faded over the hours afterwards).

The most interesting detail I remember was going to visit the queer club and people being super nice to me (this doesn’t always happen when you’re trans!). One lady (totally my type) was very friendly to me and several times brought stuff I said back up with the group during the club meeting. And a really cute guy gave me his phone number and asked me to come hang out at his club. In the meantime, the nellie femme boys stayed away… so I think I was putting out the right type of vibe.

After I got home, I found out one of my friends had spoken with my Ex from Taiwan. I was upset about this but then I got yelled at for about thirty more minutes about it by my Ex. I was not in a good mood, so I hit the instant shine again and it seemed to give me a gentle, yet solid, lift.

I did have some trouble sleeping though, and I ended up asking my old LTR to please leave me alone.

8

I’m glad you are noticing changes, you should try Instant Honesty!

What are “nellie femme boys?”

9

A “nellie” is the same thing as a “swish.” Think of your most stereotypical gay man, femme affectations and all. You’re getting close.

I just prefer my men just like my women, really masculine. I prefer men who are basically straight, though being on the queer side of queer, I find I might limit myself that way. But in attracting the target guy I thought was the hottest, and the ones I really didn’t like ignoring me, I’m thinking the vibe must have been right.

10

Fri/Sat

2-7-09

Friday and Saturday I played around a lot. I had plenty of fun, and enjoyed dancing at a club all night. I’m almost ready to start the methodical scientific testing of individual products instead of the TAL, CTTM2 COPs mix I’ve been getting myself hooked on.

One insight I am consistently having is that if I wrap myself around a scent, and really “own” it as others say, then it has a better effect. I mean, when I put on TAL and a little COPs, then really own the fact that these smells are issuing from my body, I feel powerfully, beautifully sexy. I can almost feel people’s attention on me, and I really can see men’s intentions shift towards me. It’s like every eye in the room opens to me in a whole new way. I don’t know how much of it is my own psychology changing as these new smells register as my own, or how much of it is the effects the pheromones have on others but I am loving it!

–Jeannine

PS: Want Instant Sexiness!

PPS: And I want to add, for the other transladies who might ever read this. In my opinion the TAL does have a feminizing effect. It’s quite powerful, IMHO, but I am only at the edge of it, just learning to wrap my psychology around it. It’s like I have to shift a lot in my attitude in order to really roll with it. I also have some difficulty really feeling like COPs are part of me without the TAL – The TAL, at 25-50mcg, somehow brings it all together for me in some palpable way I can’t describe. My entry above about feeling like my masculine energy sapped away the first time I used the TAL, and something else came in its place is pretty accurate. You’ve really got to be ready for that, because for me it wasn’t the subtle shift I was often used to, as slow as my mind wanted to go there. It’s comfortable, and it’s a place I knew, but it took me there more rapidly than I was used to, especially after living in that other place while living with my SO for the last year.

Today I am doing just COPs to see if I can get some psychological shift within as I wrap myself around the scent in the same way.

11

One more thing that strikes me, and I promise I’ll start being more methodical about all this in the next week or so. One guy whom I have known for a good long time went to the dance club with us. He’s completely and utterly uber straight, in every sense of the word, nor has he ever expressed any interest in me at all. I was wearing one spray 25mcg of TAL, and the CTTM2 (I’m just loving this combo every day that I wear it) and he kept touching me..

It was so nice. I’d say stuff and he’d touch me about half the time he’d respond. Sometimes very sexually (like belly touches). This is totally outside the way he normally acts around me, which is normally all intellectual and friendly. He has simply never done this before. Normally he’s even a little standoff-ish about a neck rub.

As for my part, I kept telling him what to do all night. What can I say? I felt confident and sexy, so I acted it.

So my initial impressions are that TAL seems to draw in the kinds of guys I like (whilst getting me a LOT of cool attention in general), and gives me a really good confidence boost and very sexy feeling (especially if I add COPs to the mix, even more confident and sexy).

I didn’t wear any today, and while I could recall that strong sexy vibe (the self effect I liked) and generate it for myself, I didn’t feel I got nearly as much attention from others. And I was wearing Instant Openness…

12

2-8-09

Okay, so it’s time to start separating causes and effects. 2x CTTM2 (back and front of neck), +COPs 10:28AM. I’m heading out for coffee, a breakky wrap and a read at a deli where I used to work. I know how my old coworkers and boss normally treat me.

Self Effects: I haven’t noted any. I’m in a good mood, but nothing unusual. This Neroli Orange is kinda starting to remind me of CK One.

Others: At the Deli, my old boss was very standoff-ish. I wonder if it’s the COPs? My old boss and I used to have a little crush going on, and she asked me to come to a concert one time with her. I always used to think she was a translady herself, until she got married and started trying to have a kiddo (and I don’t think she’d be so dishonest or delusional to lie about that to him, she’s too nice for that). Anyways, there’s a tiny history there, and today she was avoiding talking to me, and standing on the other side of the room. Kinda b*tchy, I thought, compared to how nice she normally is with me.

The young man working at the counter took my order, and was friendly, but nothing unusual.

I also went out to Starbucks and noted nothing specifically good. I’m not willing to say I ghosted out or anything, but the service people just took my orders and otherwise kinda ignored me. At the same time, I used a little IS (I had passed the 4 hour mark, from the CTTM2). The Instant Shine gave me a real headache. Right up in the top front part of my brain, about an inch inside my skull. Ouch. Basically, I got little positive feeling from the IS, and I didn’t seem to get anything good off the CTTM2 earlier.

I def. miss the way my TAL makes me feel. I feel less confident today and yesterday (w/out the TAL since Saturday night, the 6th). I am still outgoing and know I’m attractive but I really miss the feeling TAL gives me.

Close to 6PM I added one spray of TAL, just to see if it was a day pheros weren’t going to do much for me, and maybe I was not going to respond positively to anything. And I basically didn’t feel anything from it.

So chalk it up to a non-phero-responsive day.

Tuesday 2-9

I felt better today. I went to the Rolfer and was wearing TWO 25mcg sprays of TAL (under each arm) and a tiny dab of EOW. For rolfing I end up naked and lying down. I didn’t notice my rolfer treating me much differently, though I talked a lot more openly and frankly with her about things I was feeling while she was doing the deep tissue work. i made more jokes with her and talked about a lot of things. Maybe I was just feeling extra confident? It didn’t seem like the wowza self-effects I had been getting from TAL but I do notice I behaved more confidently.

Later at night I went out with my mom for dinner. I hadn’t spent much time alone with her since I came back to the United States. I added a single squirt of Instant Openness 2x to my neck. We had a great time. She has read a lot about transgenderism while I have been gone and has really become accepting and supportive of me, which I appreciate. These things sometimes come at a premium from families of people on the outside edges of queer. We had a couple of really nice moments, intermixed with a lot of lighthearted fun… All-in-all I felt pretty cool. Would it have been as nice without the residual TAL and the fresh IO? Probably. But I can’t imagine they hurt anything.

Wednesday 2-10

No pheromones. Just a nice afternoon in the park making photographs with my sister and two medium format cameras. Another pleasant conversation. We are very very close and always have been. So conversations flow easily between us. I have noticed little difference between when I’m wearing pheros and when I’m not. She just says I smell like oranges, which is nice.

The guy at the camera shop was as friendly as ever. We got him talking about photography, which he loves, and he gave us ears full and plenty left over!

However, I did notice that the wait staff at the ChocoLatte place didn’t seem as friendly and outgoing towards me as hired help usually does if I’m wearing pheros and in a good mood. I mean, with CTTM2 especially I notice that behind the counter coffee people will talk my head off. Tonight it was just take my order, take my money, give me my tea.

Thursday 2-11

I’ve been couped up all day inside. I’m about to go out. I went with one spray of Instant Openness and one spray of CTTM2 and a tiny dab of EOW on my belly. I want to go to a bookstore, a coffee shop, a shoe store, and a bed bath and beyond… maybe a little bit here and there in the in between as well. So I’ll have plenty of interactions to report on tonight.

I’m coming out of this breakup with someone I lived with for a year. I am feeling all kinds of fresh and open feelings, as well as a bit of not knowing what to do with myself. So I am working to approach it all lightheartedly and with a spirit of self-love and exploration. How often do I feel so much space I can fill with anything I want? It’s a little sad and a little scary, sure… but more than that I feel hope and possibility.

These pheromones are giving me a little something to help entertain me here and there also, and they are doing that well! They’re also giving me just a bit more ease in interacting with new people. I titled my blog here “fun” because that’s all I really want from them – a bit of fun.

Love,
Jeannine

13

Quick Note

I’ll post more from my growing journal in the next few days as I find a better way to condense my information.

Am I the only person in the world for whom Instant Shine is often instant sleep? Almost every time I use it in an enclosed space (like a small bedroom) I pass out.

My TAL CTTM2 mix is continuing to give me the most consistently good social results.

And (not talking about this post) are there any specific ways I could write my posts, leaving out some things, or including more details about other things, that would make my posting more useful to other people?

Please PM me suggestions, or reply here.

Thanks,
Jeannine

14

2-18-09

Sadly, I drove a round a little but did not make it to all those places I wanted to go to. And this weekend I experimented with pheromones on and off. I did go out to meet two old friends of mine and used my standby CTTM2+TAL. The reception was warm and we spent several hours talking about this, that, and a lot more. It’s another case where the vibe was super nice anyways, but I can’t think the pheromones hurt.

A more interesting example was on Tuesday, I went to meet an old friend. I used CTTM2 and TAL, then after driving thirty minutes over to his house, I used another half-squirt of TAL to boost things.

I wasn’t trying to hook up with him as he already has a girlfriend. I should say that he is one of those men that loves knowledge. One of his friends says he just spews information all the time. But when I watch him I notice his whole body lights up, and he radiates a lot of warmth and happiness as he explores all the connections that his mind can make. And he normally gives me a sense of perspective on so many things. I think he’s a genius, and being around him nurtures my understanding in some cool ways.

I sat in the car, and between the self-effects of the pheromones (which help me feel feminine and strong) and whatever he was feeling, I could feel a really cool dynamic between us. I watched our body language and his way of relating, and even though it wasn’t about sexual attraction, it still felt like a normal guy/girl dynamic. I was able to dance back and forth, and tease him a little, back away, demand more, reward him… and it felt like he was doing his dance of alpha masculine strength. It’s hard to describe, but I felt as if I could step away from us and watch us in that dynamic. Something about the TAL really helps me play that role in what feels like a confident and comfortable way with everyone around me. It also seems to make me feel good about myself and maybe extra cheerful.

We spent a long time talking at a coffee shop. I spoke a little to the woman behind the counter. As is typical these days when i wear CTTM2, the conversation just rapidly opened up and became long and interesting. I have done a few days just wearing the CTTM2 and as far as I can tell, with friends the conversations become longer and more detailed. With strangers the conversations seem to instantly open up and become very interesting. Whereas normally small talk doesn’t go anywhere, the barista stepped from behind the counter and just chatted away with me for a good fifteen minutes about different things going on in her life. I had an experience a few days ago, with TAL and CTTM2, where a guy behind a counter wouldn’t let me go away and drink my coffee because he kept talking, saying just one more thing, and just one more thing. Finally I had to say “bye!” and go sit down and drink my cuppa.

2-18-09 (cont’d)

12:30PM 1xCTTM2; 1xIO 2X

Interestingly I’m noticing that the scent my brain always zeros in on is coming from CTTM2. It has a sort of thick, back-of-the-nose feeling to it. I’d almost call the smell heavy and metallic, but it’s more organic than that.

I went back to the Deli. My old boss was friendly again (but I’m not wearing COPs today). And the guy behind the counter was also quite nice to me. I’m going to estimate conservatively that nothing special happened as a result of the pheromones but I do note that with COPs, my old boss was stand-offish and didn’t talk to me. Without, she’s nice again. I will have to test this pattern over the next few weeks. I find it interesting.

2-19-09 1:22PM

I cut 1 ML of regulated estratetraenol into 2/3rds of a bottle of Instant Openness. I know this isn’t exact, but I know the concentration is close to 37.5mcg per squirt. Plus it has instant openness. Again, not precise, but I don’t have any perfumer’s alcohol and since moving back to the U.S. I cannot find my collection of essential oils. Hopefully later I can make a better concoction. I just wanted to get an idea of what’s going on with EST, what it feels like. I have enough to make 9 more to go bottles of 25mcg concentrations, so I feel well about such an experiment.

I do notice I’m not going to get good diffusion with this mixture as the stuff is now so dilute I almost cannot smell anything. I think my next go round will be with a perfume that I like, into a to go bottle, 4ml perfume to 1ml EST. That should work better.

I’m feeling s little light and cheerful right now, after about 5 minutes. A certain “lifted” feeling. Very pleasant. Remarkable because I’ve been in a bit of a bad mood all day, working on job applications overseas (stressful!).

2:21

Spent some time with my little sister, looking at camera equipment and picking out film and accessories for her Holga and my Rollei. The EST seems to make for a light and easy conversation. Just like my first time with the other pheromones, I am discovering that I have to “unfocus” in order to notice the effects. Yes, EST is relaxing and uplifting, but in a totally different way from any of the other stuff I’ve tried. When I disengage the part of my brain that’s looking for something to happen, I notice something. Then I can zero in on how I’m feeling and notice big changes.

2-22

This weekend I spent hanging out with family and close friends. I find it most difficult to tell any differences with my family. However, I think when I wear IO or CTTM2 around my parents, our conversations are ever so slightly more consistently positive.

With my little sister, I notice no differences whatsoever, but we’ve been extremely close ever since we were small.

I’m still enjoying using EST, if nothing else for its self-effects. EST seems to pull me out of bad moods pretty consistently.

–Jeannine

(just a blog :slight_smile:

PS: On its way: Togo IS/a and IS/b.

15

2-24-09

IS/B two squirts and IO 2x and off to public offices to pull records for my law school applications.

Self: Wow, yea! I get the “soft” and “kittenish” feeling people talk about with this. Again, not at all what I expected but as I unfocused I noticed it. It’s hard to explain how a feeling can be so subtle yet so distinct and real and absolutely concrete. I also feel confident, but not as much as with TAL.

Others: People were warm and friendly to me! It could just be my getting used to instant openness. But I almost did not open a single door for myself today! Older gentlemen in particular were holding doors for me every time, but many young and middle aged fellows too. I felt really nice attention when people were talking to me. T

The weird part of all that niceness on the part of the boys is that I was out gathering records at courthouses. I was just rolling around in workout clothes, with a book under my arm for anticipated long waits to ask people who hate their jobs to fetch ten year old records for me. I swear to god, I didn’t even look at all femme today, or androgynous or beautiful or anything, like I usually try to be. I could have passed for a straight dude, LOL.

So yes, it seemed out of the ordinary… just not something that normally happens like this.

After several hours I did two squirts of IS/A. I wanted to feel the difference.

Self: Almost immediate change. A much harder edge. I had to wrap myself around this feeling and I got a similar confidence to TAL but with a different flavor. Not like a pure TAL buzz but somehow broader and more encompassing, more general. Still confident, still “Angelina” but, like more well rounded? Actually, as I’m learning to understand these feelings better, I’d say less subtle, more solid experience than the TAL, and more nuanced.

I also believe I got a type of OD. Something about the combination, or the fast switch from one feel to the other, or perhaps the combined dose was too high, but I was not feeling able to really own the feeling it and get into my groove with it. I felt too much going on, for one thing, after my first few minutes of IS/A on top of hours-old IS/B. But my goal was to discover the ‘taste’ of the two experiences today, and I did find that.

I did immediately go into a coffee shop and found myself feeling confident around some other women, and I still felt attractive, but I also felt a certain sense of underpowered. I believe my feeling could be described as a type of exhaustion, and I suspect that it’s what people mean by “ghosting out.” Really, I didn’t feel particularly “bad” or anything, but I felt overall homogenized and socially underpowered.

Looking forward to more experiments of my two new acquisitions!

–Jeannine

(just my blog)

16

Jeannine, ghosting out is when others ignore you. What you probably experienced is your neurotransmitters being exhausted. Pheros trigger the release of certain neurotransmitters, and you only have a limited supply. That’s why some people (including me) “crash” after a while using things like Instant Shine.

17

what IS/B does

3:30PM, 2-26-09

IS/B 1 squirt, it must be the TAH. The feeling it gives me is exactly identical to some psychological effects of estrogen and progesterone after a few days (I take tiny dosages, not what the doctor gave me, because I like to get the feelings from it without the side-effects, and I’m very sensitive to medicines).

It feels like my skin is silk, soft. I feel like my whole personality is water, silk, soft. I wrap myself around in this feeling and I feel cuddly and kittenish… ready to snuggle up with the hottest boy I can find and watch a movie and drink wine. I also feel comfortable, and socially calm but not hot and super-sassy confident like TAL.

I’m looking forward to TAH alone some time. I’m also curious about finding the absolute perfect combination of the two for me.

–Jeannine

18

Jeannine, I’m really enjoying your journal! And it makes me kind of miss the city, and of course I didn’t really know about pheros then!

IS/B is one that I haven’t spent enough time with, but I have some on the way as we speak, and plan on giving it a proper try.

TAH is kind of like it sounds - TAAAAHHHHH…hehe…kind of like - aaaaahhhhhhh…

19

So lately I’m experimenting with IO, and I still cannot seem to get much from it. So far as I can tell, no one responds differently to me with it, and I don’t really feel any different. And with IS, I tend to feel very sleepy, with a single squirt (mine’s 2x, maybe I should have 1x).

CTTMs is great, by comparison, so I’m wondering if IH would be good for me.

I’m also finding that I get consistently good results with IS/B, and I still think it’s largely because of the self-effects it gives me and I walk around feeling all nice and sexy and cuddly…

–Jeannine

A Journey Towards Freedom

20

3-11-2010

5:18PM: 3 squirts IS/a; 1.5-ish squirts EST 25mcg; 1 squirt Instant Shine 2x <----I was like, “why not?”

Self: Almost immediately this is coming on warm and soft. I almost want to giggle a little.

Full report, five hours later:

The self-effects continued. With that combination I felt astute, and confident. I looked in the mirror and kept thinking, “damn I look great.” I had a nice sway with my walk, and felt comfortable with myself everywhere I went, wherever I sat. I also felt very soft and warm. I think it was the EST making me feel so warm and soft and likable and touchable.. the EST, but something about the way it combines with the other stuff really made it strong. The IS’s have a very “solid” feel to me, and are easy to ground myself in and be congruent with.

My mom called and asked me to go and get her drivers license and bring it to her at work. She’d forgotten it and didn’t want to get into trouble driving without one. So I took it to her.

Immediately her coworker was friendly and easy with me… not like chatty Cathy but talking about our experiences of where we lived and what we liked about different places. It felt very nice and she kept re-engaging me when I’d turn away to go do something else.

Mom wanted to eat dinner together, so I agreed to meet her back at 7PM.

I spoke with one or two other people here and there, but nothing too interesting. I walked around a nearby store for awhile and people were generally friendly and nice towards me.

Dinner was pleasant. It’s still extra good to see my family members after a couple of years in another country. She commented on how extra fun it was. Also, she seems to be more and more fine with my being transgendered, even commenting frequently about how annoying Americans are about queer issues in general. Which, for a church pianist, is kinda funny.

3-12-09

So far today, I have just two squirts of IS/a. I’m getting the pleasant confidence and … I don’t know how to say it, but cat-like grace that TAL makes me feel, slightly less intense and profound but somehow more solid and grounded way. In other words, it’s not blowing my mind, but instead it’s a clear pleasant feeling.

I’m going to be joining some friends for a road trip in a couple of hours, so I’m just packing and getting ready now. This weekend, I’m to the beach with my sis and our pals. I’m going to experiment with the 'mones a bit while I’m about… I’ll report back with my findings. Of course!

Fun!,
Jeannine

A Journey Towards Freedom