Tacitus relationship academy: after a learning program of many years of wives, girlfriends, hookers who were like girlfriends, hookers who were not like girlfriends, hookups that were like hookers but who were not, sex that lifted the top of my head off of my vertebral column, sex that was so bad dostoyevski probably had it in mind when he wrote his most depressing passages, sex with women who didn’t speak english… this list, one might say, is a long and winding road…
Sex is emotionally complex and emotionally fraught… like the humble spermatazooan, it is often the delivery vehicle for many an unspoken agenda.
Having said that, sex is a basic factor in relationships. In the long run you are on the same wavelength or you’re not. It can be the result of the body, some have more hormones or hormone receptors in their brains, it can be the result of the way the culture one grows up in views sex, or the way it shaped family life.
For a relationship to succeed you have to have one of two things going, either you are sexually in tune, or you are agreed that it is ok to go outside of the relationship to balance the scales. The acceptability ratio of the first option to the second is about 99.5:1
All relationships I’ve ever seen boil down to four things; sex, money, ambition, and affection. Sometimes one factor can offset another factor. Never perfectly though. You’ll see plenty of people who’ve whored themselves to money and ambition who can’t remember the last time they experienced an honest emotional moment. You’ll see naive guys who get played bad for sex, just like you’ll see naive women who get played bad for affection.
For some, sex is currency, it’s what money, power, and charisma (which I define as the narcissistic equivalent of affection) get you. Think superstars and the booty that gets thrown their way. Pussy for glory.
For others, sex is an organic life force. They experience it as a primal thing in itself. It doesn’t reduce to another set of variables. This is where the good sex:bad sex thing comes in, and some people never learned the difference… its’ either commodified, or its’ wrapped up in too many years of confused socialization… Calvinists used to frame pleasure in terms of eternal damnation… just enjoying sex was a definitive sign that one’s soul was to be cast into a lake of smoldering brimstone… imagine having that crap running your unconscious mind…
Others never got it, the light never turned on, the androgens or the estrogens never hit the appropriate nuclei in the brain at the right developmental moment, the hedonic pagan fire was never kindled. They generally want to settle down to a comfy, uncomplicated life of soothing routines… or in the case of corporate hellcats… take up weird glandless spreadsheet driven management positions…
Both parties need to work at it. Thats where the communication comes in. He needs to find out if she is willing to work on it. Some people just are not willing/afraid to change. That is something that I would want to know ASAP. That would influence my decision in choosing her as my wife.
