Arrrrrrrggghhhhh!!!
Revelation:
So I have had an epiphany relating to the last 6 years of my life and how my attitude and the people around me works together… I’m posting this in the hope that it may help others to realize things about themselves as well.
High school was far from the best time of my life, in fact, most of the time I flat out hated it. Most of my “friends”, if you could call them that, up and disappeared the second they graduated, and in the meantime, were prone to dropping me for their other friends when they got a chance. The closest thing I had to real friends were the theatre group, and for those of you who know thespians, good ones, they make friends real easy and have not a care in the world. I never fit in with the jocks, even though I worked out with them. I never fit in with the cool crowd, and didn’t really want to. I didn’t fit in with the band kids, because I didn’t have enough sex. Granted, I do place part of the blame on my parents for sheltering me so damned much, but I dont fault them for my own attitude (at least not anymore). I did fit in with one group, the faculty. I was a teachers assistant for most of my classes, got good references from every faculty member I knew, got special opportunities and concessions like class overrides and exceptions, and fit in very well in the office, just not for the typical reasons. I was a true beta, running errands, solving problems, and overall just pleasing people. All the adults I knew said that I was more mature than my age and everyone around me. A lot of good it did me… Most of the other students I knew thought that I was quiet and not worth including or even just plain invisible. GOD I wish I had IJ 6 years ago… That would have been AWESOME. But instead I spent most of my Junior and Senior on Eve Online pretending to be someone I wasn’t, and doing a pretty good job of it.
I resigned myself to watching others and saying that as soon as I moved away I would shape myself to how I wanted to look to others. Popular, cool, athletic, the whole package. It was all the same. Even though I knew what I wanted, I just didn’t feel that way, so it was a conscious and sometimes tiring effort to make myself into something I wasn’t. Then I joined AROTC (army reserve officer training corps). The professors are active duty army officers, the trainers are staff sergeants, and a quarter of the cadets are enlisted already. That was a huge culture shock! Being pushed, not pushed around, to be strong, athletic, disciplined, and just… RRAAAARRRRHHHHHGGGHH!! I have had more opportunities in the past two years than in my entire friggin life, TO INCLUDE a paid trip to go skydiving! By this time, my conscious effort had become a subconscious one and I surpassed my target to the point that I am now so alpha that I am unapproachable. I try my best not to act like the jerks in high school, but with my army buddies and even rarely on my own I can just get so carried away by my own old insecurity that I have become the very thing that I never wanted to be. I also realize now why people have told me that I confuse or surprise them: my body probably produces beta signal pheromones while my attitude is high speed alpha. There have only been a handful of acquaintances who haven’t told me that their first impressions were off.
I now see where I was, where I want to be, and where I am. I have taken myself completely 360° from where I was and now I need to go back a little. The beta that my body gives off naturally makes me invisible or unimportant to other people whereas my attitude comes on far too strong so this is a physiological and psychological clash. No wonder I have issues with personal relationships.
I realize that this thread isn’t really about Androtics, but it is important to keep in mind that mones will not change your attitude outright. You need to make a conscious effort to back up what you are wearing with how you act otherwise you aren’t going very far without these products (or with). I realize that pheromones alter our mindset and how we act, but if that is nothing more than a facade, it could blow up in your face some day. I know now that I have a goal with these products to change the way I act while seeing what they do to others. My experience is now as much a self experiment as much as a public experiment. I realize now that I was disadvantaged from the start. I didn’t even have to talk to the “cool kids” for them to know that I had a beta personality, and when I did, they just beat me down anyways. I think something that is unknown as public knowledge is that your body may be labeling you as the weakling before the other kids even have the chance to beat you down. Am I saying that we should use pheromones on kids? No, not yet anyways. But this development is when kids are trying to find out who they are, so if they are constantly told they are unpopular and worthless, what’s that going to do to them? It took me to remove myself from the situation and get mad about it before I could start looking for solutions. Most kids just go into depression… (man that was random)
This forum is great, I’ll say that. There is nothing like other people’s experiences to make you realize things about yourself. Now I just need to get on with life! I have 3 more years of college to figure out how to balance my alpha and beta. I really want to try out some instant jerk around the rotc functions now. Maybe some high dose none even…
I hope this all made some sense. The clearheaded brainrush is wearing off…
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