Seriously, that evil fucking clown wants me dead. I’ve always known they were out to get me, ever since I realized that what they call “special sauce” is, in fact, Thousand Island salad dressing. However, their variant is fortified with enough fat and cholesterol to kill a horse… farm. Nevertheless, I still grab the occasional salad from them. I mean, how much can you screw up lettuce, right?
So anyway, today I went out to run some errands (translation: Had to pick up beer), and decided to grab a double cheeseburger. I’ve long since known about the fatal properties of that concoction, what with its cheese that’s too damned orange to be natural and all. So the cheerful young female voice asks me “Would you like to add two pies for a dollar?” What the hell. “Sure,” I said. “Cherry, please.”
10 minutes later, I’m cruising along on my way home, having just finished my doublecheese, when I decided to have a pie. I reached into the bag with one hand, grabbed a box, fiddled it open, and pulled out a warm pastry-looking item that smelled pretty good.
Here’s where I fucked up, folks. I took a bite. I had no idea those things were stuffed with magma extracted from the very bowels of the deepest level of hell itself. I swerved, reeling in the intense pain that was flooding my mouth. I had nothing available to drink, except a room temperature six pack of Bud Light. Not wanting to spit the nuclear mass on my tongue all over my dashboard, I swallowed and gave myself 3rd degree burns down the length of my esophagus.
At this point, I think I was starting to go numb, as my brain worked overtime to pump those endorphins into my system. The rest of the drive home was a haze. I’m still sort of blurry, and am sure that as soon as I go to sleep, the dormant molecules of uranium in that lump of hellfire I ingested are going to release into my bloodstream and kill me before the dawn. I can only hope the beer chills in the refrigerator quickly, because I at least deserve a good buzz before I expire.
It was nice knowing you all. Damn you, Ronald McDonald! Damn you to the very hell you mine that pie filling from, you sadistic bastard!
-D4
