Night_Hawk's Pheremone Journal

[Night_Hawk]

Back again, not much to report other than my week has been a tad depressing! My own fault, no one else’s. You see the early hours of that morning after that night out I had last week, I did something pretty darn stupid. In my drunkenness, I posted onto social media my deepest thoughts for one person I really liked in work. Safe to say, her own feelings in that area have been clearly heard, with the instant ‘un-friending’ when she read it. Yip, that hit me hard, still is if I’m honest. I got an alert via a tracking company I use to tell me I had a -1 on the particular media website in question. I’m used to seeing +/- from other sites, but not that one! I had a bad feeling who it was; and a small part of me died inside when that was confirmed. I couldn’t even delete the post because my account was in the process of being merged with 2 others (Developers a/c and Website a/c), so all my delete/hide/archive functions were disabled. It took until the early hours of Tuesday before I could hide the post from everyone’s view, clearly too late by then; and no way to communicate via the media site due to the block. Now I have to wait a week to say “I’m Sorry,” as she’s not been in; and wish her a belated happy birthday (although, that might make things worse!). I’m probably the unluckiest guy alive right now!

Hard to get over something with a photographic/video memory. Had it since an accident when I was 10, because let’s face it, before then, I couldn’t remember zip. I guess looking like the terminator as the view from human face to something quite frightening beneath would do that, the impact on my head/face was that severe! It took 6 months of facial reconstruction and endless tests to resolve. You know, to look at me now, you’d probably have a hard time spotting the scars, military surgeons deffo knew their stuff at repairing you back in those days, doubt I’d of gotten the same care in the NHS. As the weeks went on, I started to look at what I saw and remembered in a whole knew way, partly because of the way I had to retrain my mind, partly because I had a team of ‘experts’ have me read and watch endless visuals of random weird stuff. Now I can look at/read something once (and anything I/someone else does) and recall it years later. Gawd, I hope this past week doesn’t come back to haunt me in years to come, it’s one thing I wish I could turn the clock back on and start over, do things differently, but what is done is done, I cannot deny the fact that I have fecked up big time!!

It probably doesn’t help that I also posted that I’d taken out my 2-Go mix (Franky Version 3). That’s kind of how the post started off anyhow, before I went into some coded message of deep thoughts. I always forget I have TUTH in there, especially when I have one too many. There’s more IS in there than anything, you know the one that gives you that ‘wake-up’ feeling, little buzz, puts an endless smile on your face; and keeps you alert for ages feeling, which is great when you’re drinking lots of alcohol!! CTTMV2 and IO was in there too. But that’s probably not the full cause, as although I had sprayed twice earlier on in the night when I was starting to get a tad tired/intoxicated having been awake for the best part on 18 hours (Work, no sleep, back to work, and off out).

Yep, not the brightest things to do. But the conversation started with me talking about the 3 friends I was out with that night. Now, one of them I’ve known for years, we can literally tell one another anything. We’ve both been through it all together (not in the dating way, let’s make that one very clear, I’m a guy that likes girls, although I’m beginning to realise that they may not like me, ah well. A heart of gold is what my friend tells me I have, shame I can never share it, cos I would literally do anything for anyone without thinking of myself. Hell, I’ve lost track of the times I’ve jumped to the defence of friends/colleagues over the years without a thought of my own safety. It’s just something I do, don’t like seeing people hurt, devastates me sometimes). But I’ve helped him when his sister was terminally ill with cancer, it sent him off the edge, literally; and I can relate to that as for years I kept to myself the horrors I saw in the Forces, things no teenager should see, but being in the wrong place at the wrong time, that is inevitable; and then having been dragged repeatedly into a guard room and told “Hey, you can’t say anything of what you’re seen to anyone, not even you family!” Yeah, you see my point. But I shared it with my friend, I had to tell someone; and considering most of it is now documented on the net I thought, yeah, I can do this, finally. Biggest problem with me though is, I still bottle everything up and keep it to myself, to the point were people start to see significant changes in my normal happy self and that’s when it becomes really hard to hide. Telling people you’re fine, when you just want to scream out is really hard, it doesn’t help with this memory thing I’ve got going on. Wish I could just plug myself in and show everyone what I see, but technology isn’t that advanced yet (or at least I don’t think it is, lol).

So, yeah, I’ve gone off track again, I’m always doing that! See, this is what happens when I look up and see past events in front of me. Can’t let go 'cos it’s constantly there in front of me, somewhere! Everyone tells me it’s cool to have a photographic memory, but it really isn’t! Anyhow, back to what I was saying before I go off-topic again. So yeah, it was just me and my friend at 1st, we had a lot to drink, lol, went and watched a boxing match in a bar. Not something I’m into if I’m honest, but still. Then we were joined by two of my friend’s friends. I’ve had the pleasure of meeting them before. One is an actor, the other is a director; and well, we just laugh and laugh when out together; and that night turned out to be no different!! Safe to say, we got smashed on the beer/cider/shots. It got to the point, that we needed to taxi just a few hundred yards to the next venue we went to, every time, lol. Frightening when I think about it now, but the final place, this is where things began to go good for them; and bad for me when I got home and began typing what happened in this last venue on my social media account!!

So, the director and I got into the conversation of mones, don’t ask me how, but I came to produce ‘FM3’ out of my pocket and be asked to spray him. Yep, 2 shots to the neck, one of the best spots for this mix. So, he tells me to spray my friend, who has been sceptical since time began as he knows I’ve nearly always got at least a 2-Go of IS/IO on me every time I go out, but thinks it’s just perfume with something in it that wakes you up quick! So the other actor at this point has been strutting his stuff on his own in the middle of the club, not a soul going anywhere near him; and the director calls him over to get him sprayed. I might of gone a tad OTT. Neck, chest, arms, back, hair. We sent him back to the dance floor. The director sent my friend in one direction, whilst he went near to the bar. As for me, I just went and got another cider and waited for the mayhem to unfold. It really didn’t take long, I was quite surprised in fact!

My friend immediately started dancing with a blonde in her early 20’s; and it wasn’t your average nightclub dancing, more like some form of ballroom dancing, kinda looked weird for where we were. The director started dancing with two 20 year olds and what I think may have been their mom, or someone of that age. He started shouting over the music to my friend that he needed a bottle of the mones; and then kept looking at me saying “thank you” over and over. Then we looked for the other member of the group; and my mouth hit the floor, he had 11 women dancing all around him. I’ve never seen anything like it. The most I’ve experienced a similar hit rate was back in 2010 when I 1st started using the AD products was 5 at a works night out and having 2 hit on me in a club later on when we ended up clubbing it in the City, all total strangers to me, never met any of them before that night. They’re probably documented somewhere around page 1/2 of this journal. But yeah, I wasn’t expecting that; and the director shouted over to me, “Get me a Vat of this stuff, please!” This went on for about 40 minutes. Don’t ask me why I didn’t join in. Could of been because I was listening to my own music in my head, not what was coming out of the speakers. The same song I hear it every day and have done for weeks. My mind in these 40 minutes was elsewhere thinking, “I shouldn’t be looking/thinking of anyone else, when my heart tells me every day what is right, what is special, what matters.”

None of that is good now, because not long after that, that the actor made a break for home strangely on his own; and I said my good-byes and left not long after that.

That’s when it went downhill from there. There should be a block from accessing the net when intoxicated. Knowing my luck, I’d remember the over-ride code or work out how to get around the block, although the only thing I can remember from actually typing the post around 430am-ish, was the massive number of red lines under all the words! Typos everywhere! Auto-correct doesn’t help when drunk either, as you get frustrated that it’s selected the wrong word; and even then the fingers don’t help it fixing it.

It wasn’t until the next day when I was in work (with only 2 hours sleep; and more IS to bring me to life) that my head started telling me I’d posted something online and needed to read it ASAP! I asked a colleague if they’d been on the net that morning and seen if I’d written anything. They were quite surprised that I was asking, apparently there was a lengthy essay on there! Oh feck!! It was another 3 hours before I had a chance to read it myself, not before having most of my colleagues take the full mick as to it’s contents. Yeah, wasn’t expecting to literally have a heart attack at the contents. I knew I was in trouble and tried in vain to remove it, only that’s when I discovered that the merging of my other two accounts had disabled most of my hide/archive/delete functions; and this nightmare was to remain visible to all on my friends/work colleagues list for the next 2 days!! It’s now hidden, I still don’t appear to be able to delete anything.

So, now you know how much of an idiot I’ve been this past week. Don’t know how or what to do at this moment in time, feeling pretty low to say the least. Think the one person I could literally trust my life with, will never trust nor speak to me again after this; and hiding my thoughts/feelings from everyone is getting pretty darn impossible. Every shift, every day, people are coming up to me and asking me if I’m OK. I’m usually good at hiding my feelings as well, but it’s freaking hard this time!

I know I have P133 to test/report on, but at this moment in time, I’m not carrying out any more research. I need a break, been doing it for 6 years non-stop; and although it has been a great experience (mostly), I need to take some time and reflect on my actions this past week. Get this resolved, before anything else. Friendship is far greater to have and hold onto than anything else.

NH.

[Night_Hawk]

Back again, not much to report other than my week has been a tad depressing! My own fault, no one else’s. You see the early hours of that morning after that night out I had last week, I did something pretty darn stupid. In my drunkenness, I posted onto social media my deepest thoughts for one person I really liked in work. Safe to say, her own feelings in that area have been clearly heard, with the instant ‘un-friending’ when she read it. Yip, that hit me hard, still is if I’m honest. I got an alert via a tracking company I use to tell me I had a -1 on the particular media website in question. I’m used to seeing +/- from other sites, but not that one! I had a bad feeling who it was; and a small part of me died inside when that was confirmed. I couldn’t even delete the post because my account was in the process of being merged with 2 others (Developers a/c and Website a/c), so all my delete/hide/archive functions were disabled. It took until the early hours of Tuesday before I could hide the post from everyone’s view, clearly too late by then; and no way to communicate via the media site due to the block. Now I have to wait a week to say “I’m Sorry,” as she’s not been in; and wish her a belated happy birthday (although, that might make things worse!). I’m probably the unluckiest guy alive right now!

Hard to get over something with a photographic/video memory. Had it since an accident when I was 10, because let’s face it, before then, I couldn’t remember zip. I guess looking like the terminator as the view from human face to something quite frightening beneath would do that, the impact on my head/face was that severe! It took 6 months of facial reconstruction and endless tests to resolve. You know, to look at me now, you’d probably have a hard time spotting the scars, military surgeons deffo knew their stuff at repairing you back in those days, doubt I’d of gotten the same care in the NHS. As the weeks went on, I started to look at what I saw and remembered in a whole knew way, partly because of the way I had to retrain my mind, partly because I had a team of ‘experts’ have me read and watch endless visuals of random weird stuff. Now I can look at/read something once (and anything I/someone else does) and recall it years later. Gawd, I hope this past week doesn’t come back to haunt me in years to come, it’s one thing I wish I could turn the clock back on and start over, do things differently, but what is done is done, I cannot deny the fact that I have fecked up big time!!

It probably doesn’t help that I also posted that I’d taken out my 2-Go mix (Franky Version 3). That’s kind of how the post started off anyhow, before I went into some coded message of deep thoughts. I always forget I have TUTH in there, especially when I have one too many. There’s more IS in there than anything, you know the one that gives you that ‘wake-up’ feeling, little buzz, puts an endless smile on your face; and keeps you alert for ages feeling, which is great when you’re drinking lots of alcohol!! CTTMV2 and IO was in there too. But that’s probably not the full cause, as although I had sprayed twice earlier on in the night when I was starting to get a tad tired/intoxicated having been awake for the best part on 18 hours (Work, no sleep, back to work, and off out).

Yep, not the brightest things to do. But the conversation started with me talking about the 3 friends I was out with that night. Now, one of them I’ve known for years, we can literally tell one another anything. We’ve both been through it all together (not in the dating way, let’s make that one very clear, I’m a guy that likes girls, although I’m beginning to realise that they may not like me, ah well. A heart of gold is what my friend tells me I have, shame I can never share it, cos I would literally do anything for anyone without thinking of myself. Hell, I’ve lost track of the times I’ve jumped to the defence of friends/colleagues over the years without a thought of my own safety. It’s just something I do, don’t like seeing people hurt, devastates me sometimes). But I’ve helped him when his sister was terminally ill with cancer, it sent him off the edge, literally; and I can relate to that as for years I kept to myself the horrors I saw in the Forces, things no teenager should see, but being in the wrong place at the wrong time, that is inevitable; and then having been dragged repeatedly into a guard room and told “Hey, you can’t say anything of what you’ve seen to anyone, not even your family!” Yeah, you see my point. But I shared it with my friend, I had to tell someone; and considering most of it is now documented on the net I thought, yeah, I can do this, finally. Biggest problem with me though is, I still bottle everything up and keep it to myself, to the point were people start to see significant changes in my normal happy self and that’s when it becomes really hard to hide. Telling people you’re fine, when you just want to scream out is really hard, it doesn’t help with this memory thing I’ve got going on. Wish I could just plug myself in and show everyone what I see, but technology isn’t that advanced yet (or at least I don’t think it is, lol).

So, yeah, I’ve gone off track again, I’m always doing that! See, this is what happens when I look up and see past events in front of me. Can’t let go 'cos it’s constantly there in front of me, somewhere! Everyone tells me it’s cool to have a photographic memory, but it really isn’t! Anyhow, back to what I was saying before I go off-topic again. So yeah, it was just me and my friend at 1st, we had a lot to drink, lol, went and watched a boxing match in a bar. Not something I’m into if I’m honest, but still. Then we were joined by two of my friend’s friends. I’ve had the pleasure of meeting them before. One is an actor, the other is a director; and well, we just laugh and laugh when out together; and that night turned out to be no different!! Safe to say, we got smashed on the beer/cider/shots. It got to the point, that we needed to taxi just a few hundred yards to the next venue we went to, every time, lol. Frightening when I think about it now, but the final place, this is where things began to go good for them; and bad for me when I got home and began typing what happened in this last venue on my social media account!!

So, the director and I got into the conversation of mones, don’t ask me how, but I came to produce ‘FM3’ out of my pocket and be asked to spray him. Yep, 2 shots to the neck, one of the best spots for this mix. So, he tells me to spray my friend, who has been sceptical since time began as he knows I’ve nearly always got at least a 2-Go of IS/IO on me every time I go out, but thinks it’s just perfume with something in it that wakes you up quick! So the other actor at this point has been strutting his stuff on his own in the middle of the club, not a soul going anywhere near him; and the director calls him over to get him sprayed. I might of gone a tad OTT. Neck, chest, arms, back, hair. We sent him back to the dance floor. The director sent my friend in one direction, whilst he went near to the bar. As for me, I just went and got another cider and waited for the mayhem to unfold. It really didn’t take long, I was quite surprised in fact!

My friend immediately started dancing with a blonde in her early 20’s; and it wasn’t your average nightclub dancing, more like some form of ballroom dancing, kinda looked weird for where we were. The director started dancing with two 20 year olds and what I think may have been their mom, or someone of that age. He started shouting over the music to my friend that he needed a bottle of the mones; and then kept looking at me saying “thank you” over and over. Then we looked for the other member of the group; and my mouth hit the floor, he had 11 women dancing all around him. I’ve never seen anything like it. The most I’ve experienced a similar hit rate was back in 2010 when I 1st started using the AD products was 5 at a works night out and having 2 hit on me in a club later on when we ended up clubbing it in the City, all total strangers to me, never met any of them before that night. They’re probably documented somewhere around page 1/2 of this journal. But yeah, I wasn’t expecting that; and the director shouted over to me, “Get me a Vat of this stuff, please!” This went on for about 40 minutes. Don’t ask me why I didn’t join in. Could of been because I was listening to my own music in my head, not what was coming out of the speakers. The same song I hear it every day and have done for weeks. My mind in these 40 minutes was elsewhere thinking, “I shouldn’t be looking/thinking of anyone else, when my heart tells me every day what is right, what is special, what matters.”

None of that is good now, because not long after that, that the actor made a break for home strangely on his own; and I said my good-byes and left not long after that.

That’s when it went downhill from there. There should be a block from accessing the net when intoxicated. Knowing my luck, I’d remember the over-ride code or work out how to get around the block, although the only thing I can remember from actually typing the post around 430am-ish, was the massive number of red lines under all the words! Typos everywhere! Auto-correct doesn’t help when drunk either, as you get frustrated that it’s selected the wrong word; and even then the fingers don’t help it fixing it.

It wasn’t until the next day when I was in work (with only 2 hours sleep; and more IS to bring me to life) that my head started telling me I’d posted something online and needed to read it ASAP! I asked a colleague if they’d been on the net that morning and seen if I’d written anything. They were quite surprised that I was asking, apparently there was a lengthy essay on there! Oh feck!! It was another 3 hours before I had a chance to read it myself, not before having most of my colleagues take the full mick as to it’s contents. Yeah, wasn’t expecting to literally have a heart attack at the contents. I knew I was in trouble and tried in vain to remove it, only that’s when I discovered that the merging of my other two accounts had disabled most of my hide/archive/delete functions; and this nightmare was to remain visible to all on my friends/work colleagues list for the next 2 days!! It’s now hidden, I still don’t appear to be able to delete anything.

So, now you know how much of an idiot I’ve been this past week. Don’t know how or what to do at this moment in time, feeling pretty low to say the least. Think the one person I could literally trust my life with, will never trust nor speak to me again after this; and hiding my thoughts/feelings from everyone is getting pretty darn impossible. Every shift, every day, people are coming up to me and asking me if I’m OK. I’m usually good at hiding my feelings as well, but it’s freaking hard this time!

I know I have P133 to test/report on, but at this moment in time, I’m not carrying out any more research. I need a break, been doing it for 6 years non-stop; and although it has been a great experience (mostly), I need to take some time and reflect on my actions this past week. Get this resolved, before anything else. Friendship is far greater to have and hold onto than anything else.

NH.

[Conjurator]

Sad to hear that story. The damage would probably have been more limited if you had PM’ed the lady about your feelings instead of telling the world about it. It must be very akward for her too. Have you had the chance to speak to her and apologize? I hope things get better for you soon, my friend.

[Night_Hawk]

Yep, you’re right, I should have been honest, open and spoken to her a very long time ago. But, yep, I kept my feelings to myself, or at least tried to. A couple of work colleagues put 2nd2 together and the result was for a very awkward environment some of the time, not always for some reason. It was just a handful of people hell bent on causing problems. I mean, how do you speak to someone in a work environment when everyone is watching your every move as to whether you do actually say or do something? Nightmare!! I tried to communicate through music, wrote two songs, probably not the best thing to do either, looking back at it, but it felt right at the time and it was the only way I could think of communicating without causing even more harassment from the work colleagues. Think the above (the online post) was the final tipping point. I do regret what I’ve done, don’t know how this is going to get sorted, other than apologising as soon as I see her. I have to do it, she has done nothing wrong, it has been me totally in the wrong; and I have to try and find a way to do it without making her feel any more uncomfortable. How could I of been so stupid as to do something like this?!! I still can’t delete it from my social media account, only hide it which is a start. They’re still doing some massive upgrade to whatever they’re merging. Getting stupid boxes popping up on my main account trying to push my website a/c onto the masses, far too many settings to contend with right now!

To make matters worse, not for the young lady in question, but the haters, the ones that clearly like to interfere have gone onto a new tactic. I’ve been told I’ll never be able to go out with someone as perfect, good looking, unique as this one person I came to have great feelings towards. Apparently, my type of person is to be the total opposite of what I look for in a person, ie someone that doesn’t care to whom they go out with, has no standards, likes one night stands etc. Sounds like a prostitute to me, but that isn’t the sort of person I would look for, far from it. and what’s wrong with me looking for the perfect person? Isn’t that what we all look for?

I give up. If that is what I’m expected to look for, then it’s better to stay single. I’m fed up to the back teeth of hearing those words, “There’s someone for everyone!” There really isn’t; and after my apology has been made, I’m going to take a seat on the back fence and watch the World tick over before me. Probably where I should of been from day one.

[Conjurator]

Your point of view sound quite fatalist for now and that’s understable given the actual circumstances. I’m not saying there’s someone perfect lurking around the corner for you, but there are plenty of fishes in the sea, most of them which aren’t prostitutes. Don’t listen to the haters and just let the dust settle down, then follow your star.

[Dee_A]

I agree with the “speak to her and apologize” resolution. It’s the only way to come up clean and be honest. But you have to understand that there’s a big chance of losing her as a friend. Accepting that fact will make things easier. It’s time to man up and forget about what others will say.

Or you may pay her a visit in her residence, in a time most convenient to her. And bring some flowers.

[Night_Hawk]

So, yesterday was a very nervous day. I’m wearing IS and IO and I need to focus, but for some reason, I don’t think that is going to be the case. Don’t think I’ve been so nervous to speak to anyone, public speaking to a crowd of unknown people is far, far easier, than how I felt when I walked onto the shift.

First thing, I had a new member of the team. I’m training them, so for the 1st few minutes I’m setting them up on a training/learning programme that they really should have done long before their 1st shift, but ah well, these things happen (or they’re not told when inducted, which was apparently 4 months ago. Yikes!!). So, onto the floor I went and immediately had my head bitten off by the young lady in question. Not because of what I’d done last week, but because my delay meant she had to wait to go on her break. Yeah, I thought this was the way the day was gonna go, me getting my head torn off and my body parts scattered across the land!

My frame of mind from this point deteriorated pretty darn quickly, I was in my own world, recalling last week again, recalling the post I’d eventually read hours after posting it, recalling everything that had been said to me about basically being unable to go out with anyone I deemed perfect, recalling what I’d posted in my journal above, recalling the fact that I was ‘unfriended’ (which tore my heart into a billion bits, when I realised); and recalling the 1st few minutes of the start of my shift and thinking, “Yep, there’s no way this is gonna be good, I’ve lost a great friend; and it is totally my own fault!”

Safe to say, yet again, I was clearly displaying to those around me that something was majorly up; and trying my best to say, “Nope I’m fine, there’s nothing up, just thinking about something!” I guess I cannot hide everything! So, one of my managers managed to coax out of me what was up; and unbeknown to me, she went and told my colleague, then told me to go and speak to her. So, the nerves kicked in, I was shaking uncontrollably; and yeah I went to the crew room to apologise. Well, the door to be precise, but through the glass in the door I could see others; and my nerves and sheer panic got the better of me. So, I went back and quietly explained what I hadn’t done to the manager.

Work got busy at this point, real busy; and before I knew it, my colleague is back working alongside me. My trainee is working on the 2nd part of the online training, my frame of mind is getting worse, I’m now having trouble stringing sentences together, I’m a nervous wreck.

2 hours in, my trainee is on the work floor with me after completing their initial training; and my concentration is a nightmare, my head is on overload. Having a photographic/video memory is bad, I hate it. I’m that focused on what I need to do, have to do, really want to do, I’m not even thinking of the job at hand; and now I’m apologising to the staff, because clearly it’s evident that something major is up! I actually think I quietly said “Sorry” three times to the person I was trying to say “Sorry” to, because of the way I wasn’t focusing on the work at hand.

So, after going outside to take an order to a customer’s vehicle, I came face2face with the manager, whom said, “She knows, she doesn’t want you to take her to one side, just tell her!” Yeah, easier said than done, but it had to be done; and on going back inside there must of be a few seconds that no one, not even my trainee was present, that I finally got the chance to say “Sorry.” Do you know what, she was really nice about it, even laughed. So, I went on to apologise for what I’d posted, told of my regret and think i called myself an idiot, lol. Well, it’s true, I am, but she laughed it off. It was almost like nothing had happened. I didn’t bring up the ‘unfriending’ I guess that’s something that won’t change, or maybe in time it will. I tried to explain the social media issue, but let’s face it, even I’m still trying to work out what is going on with that; and I’m a developer. If I don’t know what’s going on, how do I make a non-tech person understand?!! She seemed to be fine with that as well.

I tried to look on my break at that social media thing, why I was getting so many friends requests from people I don’t know. Now I do, because of the 2 accounts merging into my standard personal account, all the settings targeting people around the World; and all the different tags, ie music, clubs, events, dj names, etc are sending every single one of my posts to those people writing, liking, sharing or commenting on the same things. To top it off, the social media account shows me an estimate of how many people it has connected my account to around the World. Get ready for this, because my mouth hit the floor yesterday, as did those in the crew room that saw it…

Estimate: 73,418,634

…Yes, that’s 73 million people my account is sharing back and forth my posts and linking their posts. So much for sharing ‘only with friends’ that seems to have ended when the 3 accounts merged.

At least now I know why everything I looked at, then my colleague looked at wasn’t her stalking me, not that I think she, or anyone ever would, but it was a freaky 2 weeks of seeing identical posts from one person appear on my feed a few minutes/hours after I’d posted. Thanks for that social media company!! It doesn’t look like I can separate the accounts, but I am trying to see from the other developers if there is anything that can be done as sharing my personal account with 73+ million people is not on. They shouldn’t of merged, they’re on two different email logins, so something has happened. Maybe it’s some weird housekeeping on the social media’s part, who knows.

…Anyhow, I’m on a couple of rest days. Thankfully. After the past week I most certainly need it! I’m coming to terms with my actions of late, need to never do anything that stupid again. At least my friendship with my colleague seems to be unaffected, that, I think I couldn’t of lived with if I’d really ended in both of us not clearing the air, resolving the problem and ending our friendship. I’m glad it hasn’t gone that way, I’m glad it is sorted and we can move on, lessons learnt on my part. I’m still feeling stupid for what I have done; and the haters are still hating, but if that’s all they can do, well, their negativity will probably come back on them at some point; and I’ll be sitting on the fence with the popcorn taking it all in!

For now, I’m still having a break from the research. Think I’m allowed some time off after all these years of reporting. Yeah, I will be back, maybe in a couple of weeks. I have P133 to report on, whatever that does; and I’ve heard there’s not been many reports back on that one, so my undivided attention will be made on it from next month.

I’d just like to thank Conjurator and Dee A for your words of wisdom. You have helped me at my lowest point, when I thought there was nowhere else I could turn to. Thank you!

NH.

[Dee_A]

Glad that it come out good, NH.

You are now back on track. And the good news about it is that, you can now decide if you want to stay friends or pursue a different level of hearty relationship with her, of course, doing it outside of work environment.

My recommendation to pay her visit, with flowers or anything you think she’ll appreciate stands. Or you can ask her out.

Nice!

[Night_Hawk]

As much as I would really like to ask her out or, even suggest taking her out in a ‘friends’ manner, I’d rather at this moment in time keep things on a ‘friend/work colleague’ level. I’ve never met anyone so nice and sincere, can’t fault her; and I wouldn’t jeopardize that by pushing for something which I don’t think she wants, ie, I think friends is all this is going to be; and you know what, I’m happy with that.

[Conjurator]

Great news man. A laughing girl is not an angry girl. Please note that her unfriending you was her first defense against her friends and her friends’ friends seeing your post. I think anyone would have done the same thing trying to limit damage. In time, she’ll probably add you back. Or maybe you can send her an invite eventually after a few more nice moments around her.

[justintime469]

I am glad to see it work out my man. I know it is always easier said than done right. 86% of people fear public speaking and I don’t remember what death is, but it is much lower. I have worked for years changing things that are tough like the fear of public speaking so I can relate. I find if you press through things you fear you will have major break through in your life and is totally worth it and find anything I fear if I just press through it no matter how hard, that things get much better.

[Night_Hawk]

So, tonight, another manager asked me a strange question regarding my colleague.

Apparently she went to him concerned, regarding me on Monday morning with whatever had gone on the week before. He didn’t know himself as he’d been off work for 5 weeks; and that was his 1st day back.

Don’t ask me what was said, but come the afternoon, well, you know the outcome of the above from my last posting. I told him that I think it is resolved. I sure hope it is! Yet, although he’s not one of the few that stirs comments, I’m concerned that he wants to know in detail tomorrow (Sunday) what happened last week with my posting; and what was said on Monday between my colleague and I. The post in question is STILL not deleted! I’ve given up trying to delete it, just keeping it hidden. People have been coming up to me yesterday/today asking what it’s contents is, what I posted, as they haven’t seen it - tough luck, it’s not for their eyes or anyone else’s for that matter, should never have been published in the 1st place.

Is the matter really over though, or is there something I’m being kept in the dark with?

I’m trying to forget this happened, hard thing for me to do, because I can’t forget. I’m trying to shove the images as far away to one side as I possibly can, to an area that I hardly ever look at. I’ve excepted that we’re friends (my colleague and I), again, I hope that is the case! I think I really will die inside if our friendship is lost over my stupidity. When will this end? I’ve tried to put it behind me; and now it’s been brought up all over again! The haters are still commenting, but not as much as normal. The works Xmas night out is in the early part of December, so their natural way of targeting me is by saying will I dance/kiss my colleague. Not a chance. There’s no way on this earth I’m doing anything to lose a friendship of someone that kind hearted and nice! I just wish people would stop asking questions that I don’t want to answer. It’s bound to end up back at my colleague; and then what? Me back to being a wreck. I don’t need this, my colleague certainly doesn’t need this, she’s never done anything wrong; and I feel that her being targeted for a few people’s enjoyment is all my doing; and I hate myself right now because of it!!

Good, true, real friends are very hard to come by these days; and my colleague is right up there with the very few that I currently have. I’ll just have to wait and see what tonight’s shift brings in terms of questioning. Whether its nothing, merely curiosity, or something more severe, I just don’t know. To be honest, I don’t want to know, the less I hear and see, the better!

Thank goodness for this journal, it’s the 1st time in a very long time that I feel that I can release some of my thoughts and deal with them better. I think without it, I’d be in a very unstable way right now. This is the only way I can stop myself from bottling things up, hence why I’m typing this at 03:09am. I have to get it out of my mind. For now, I’ll wait. Be back tonight I guess, with an update. Hopefully not a negative one!

NH.

[Night_Hawk]

So, it’s 3:30am and I’m not long home after a nice shift for once. The manager was in tonight, not one word asked regarding my colleague, even though he said he wanted to know “The full details” tonight.

To be fair, I never brought it up; and it was pretty darn busy; and we were too busy trying to deal with a stubborn new member of staff refusing to do pretty much everything asked of her. Can’t see her lasting very long if she doesn’t improve, but hey, some new staff members are great from day one; and some, you think their mom’s clearly did everything for them! Shocking behaviour when everyone else works as a team.

Anyhow, for now I’m actually in a proper happy mood! Might have something to do with the IS/IO I sprayed on myself when starting work, don’t think it’s worn off yet, as I still feel wide awake and happy, but thought I’d stop by and update my journal. I know I usually post every few months, but coming here, typing what has been plaguing my mind over the past few weeks really has made a big difference. It’s helped get out what I normally keep to myself; and in a way, helped me deal with things much better. I’m still on my break, it’ll be mid-November when I pick up the P133, i.e. two weeks away.

I’ll be back over this next week for sure. Speak soon.

NH.

[Dee_A]

I think it might help if you can A314 (oil, for a longer effect) them all at work. With a sprinkle of Shine of course.

[Night_Hawk]

You know, I’ve never tried the oil version of A314. I think it’s the word ‘oil’ that put me off it, if I’m honest. I’ve tried both the A & B versions of the 2-Go range, which should be reported somewhere in this journal.

Today was another good day. I’m still wearing my IO/IS mix. It’s like instant happiness and the feeling of being alert, wide awake from the minute it hits my neck. I always do 3 sprays of it, 2 spray to the front of my neck, 1 spray to the back. I just want to bounce around after a few minutes! Think I may have to place another order in the next week, as the supply I have at the moment is getting a tad thin. I’ve got nearly a full 2-Go of ammo, but am I heck wearing that in the workplace, not after last time! I think I knew I’d put it on when I was seeing a colleague getting too friendly with me. That’ll teach me to spray when half asleep; and head for the front door in a hurry. I’ve actually got all the ‘potent’ mones out of reach to one side of my usual mixes now, so that I don’t goof and put on the wrong one! I always carry a 2-Go of IS/IO (mixed) in my bag to work. I tend to get between 6-9 hours before the effects begin to wear off. Doesn’t stop me from spraying again after my break.

Speaking of IO, have we got a bit of IH in there?? I’m beginning to suspect there may be, because when I wear the IS/IO mix, when I’m not paying attention to what I’m thinking, I blurt it out then think “OMG, did I really just say that?!!” Most of the time, that would be a big “Yes!” Which is what has been making me wonder, is there IH in there or some element of it? I haven’t had any IH in my last order, but from trialling it over time, I know what to expect, I just don’t expect similar results with an IO/IS combination!!

Anyhow, I’m on another 2 rest days, yay. Speak soon.

NH.

[Night_Hawk]

So, it was back to work after a nice couple of days of rest. Well, if you can call almost 48 hours of playing on the XDJ-RX rest, lol. I forgot time (or at least it felt like it), nothing better than slamming one track after the next. Think I forgot to eat as well, but hey ho, these things happen.

Anyhow, today, IS/IO mix and I’m in my happy zone. Sadly, one of the haters tried to do his hating because my colleague was in. Didn’t let her hear what he had to say, he made sure of that, but for whatever reason, it didn’t faze me at all. If anything, it made me for once speak out, right back at him! So, once again I’m hearing, “You’re aiming to high, you need to look at the bottom end of the level.” Sorry dude, but after gathering my thoughts on this journal and dealing with the last couple of weeks within it; not to mention having those in here give me some sound advice, it was time to hit back! “I’m sorry, but why can’t I have someone perfect? Why do I have to have someone at a lower level? Don’t we all look for the perfect person?” Well, he said “Nope, not all of us.” I just chuckled and said, “Well, that’s the difference between me and you. I’m only looking for the one true friend that I have everything in common with, that we both get along together, can trust our life with, be honest and have total respect for one another.” Not a word from him, total silence. I don’t think he knew what to say!

That saying, as I’m still too unsure of the do’s/don’ts around my colleague at the moment, I tried to keep my distance today by keeping busy with work tasks. It’s that questioning I had last Saturday from the Manager, something just feels like I’ve not been told everything. Although, I ended up speaking to another manager towards the end of my shift. He tends to have all the answers (well most when it comes to workplace relationships), so it felt right and that helped too. Told him how I put my thoughts into this journal and how it has helped. I guess if my colleague ever asked to read it, I think she would be the only person that I would indeed let read. After all, it would probably open up her eyes to see what type of guy I really am. Whether that turns into a good thing I guess is questionable, but for now, this is something that’s not likely to happen; and I’ll keep on putting my thoughts into this journal as I’m finding it a great help!

Putting the above aside, I’m down to my last 2Go of IS/IO, so will probably be placing another order next week. Got the works xmas party on the 5th December; and we’re all heading back to a luxury apartment after the venue closes. Somehow I’ve volunteered myself to do the DJing in the apartment, lol, don’t ask me how, but I guess it will be fun. …and yep, my colleague will be there, but unless she really wants to talk to me, I’ll be in a corner somewhere slamming beats. Saying that, after a few drinks, a few sprays of dutch courage (mones), I may actually try and resolve this whole nightmare. One way or the other, either we agree to be friends (which I’m more than happy to be), or who knows.

Anyhow, back to the horrid night shifts tomorrow, pah, I’ll speak soon.

NH.

[Dee_A]

Oil is cool! And it has a long-staying power. It’s the ultimate status pheromone that ladies with the best breeding and personality finds attractive. Beware of the gold-diggers though.

If ever the A314 Royale returns, I’ll recommend that one for you.

Regarding your hater concern, I applaud you for handling it well. I bet he likes her too, and whatever he’s saying to you are actually his thoughts for himself.

And it seems that you have a plan concerning your special colleague, and it’s a good one, a way of not betting everything you have.

But since it’s a paarteeh, you might consider approaching her first, for you to test the waters. Use her reaction to decide whether it’s time to ask her for a moment outside for a talk. And don’t drink yet, you must not talk to her about the stuff if you are drunk. It’s a way of showing respect, and it’s also to ensure that no alcohol may influence you from blurting things you don’t want her to hear.

And don’t worry if you can’t make the party an avenue to iron out those things, because you are still in a party, you are the dj, and you have many ways to impress her during that night.

You might consider not talking to her about it also. In fact, you can half-ignore her. Greet her on sight, waive at her, and then return your attention to the deejaying, give them a good show and enjoy the party. This semi-ignoring move might provide you some mystery to her, might spike an interest, specially because she’s seeing you in a very different viewpoint.

She might even approach you first. If that happens, don’t get excited. Play it cool. Being boastful might burst the bubble.

Start the night with AMMO + IS. Or MX297 + IS if you simply want to focus your energy to the party and having fun.

[Night_Hawk]

Thanks for this Dee, you always have sound advice.

For now (and on the night, next month), I think I’ll just do my own thing, not expecting anything if I’m honest. A month is a long time to go, to work out if someone is still a friend or not (hopefully still is!!). If my colleague approaches me on the night, well the ball so to speak, will be in her court and I’ll come to that if it happens. After all, friends can dance amongst friends and I may end up doing that.

Don’t worry on the alcohol front, won’t be repeating my stupidity any time soon. If I’m DJing, I’ll be focused on that. Being drunk in charge of a mixer trying to keep in-time to the beat is not recommended. I guess that’s why they invented the ‘sync’ button, lol, for those that have had far too much to drink, etc; and their body isn’t quite keeping up with their brain, lol! Hate that button, myself, it’s all about knowing your music and watching the reactions of the crowd. If they’re not dancing, then you’re not doing it right!

I’ll probably be out with ammo and IS, or at least be wearing it when I leave my home for the night. But, I may take with me my IS, IO, CTTM V2, TUTH combination, as I know they work just as good in a party environment. Heck, my 3 friends are testament that it’s very effective in the club environment.

Speak soon, I’m off to get ready for the 1st of my night shifts.

NH.

[Conjurator]

Dee: Yes, please bring back A314 Royale as an option (i.e. keep Rev 32 as main A314 product of course), my Royale stash is running low ^^.

[Dee_A]

I think there is an earlier pronouncement that Royale is definitely coming back. Although this one, since it’s all natural, it ages a bit longer than our regular A314 oils, and so it might take a bit of a longer wait for all Royale users out there.

Now, back to regular NH Show.