Great news Dee 
. Sorry for the unintentional hijack, Nighthawk.
lol, no, it’s fine, anytime. Put a smile on my face with the words “Now, back to regular NH Show.” Nothing like getting an exclusive in my journal, hehe! 
Nothing to report yet. No actually there is, two things.
Okie, so somehow I ended up spraying my P133 before leaving for work, should of been P109 as I’ve been trying that one out the last couple of days, but I’ll get to reporting on that this coming week, (Mixed results on that one at the minute, so needs more testing). Really need to organise my shelf better! 
Anyhow, got to work, sprayed on my usual IS/IO mix, same spots as posted above. WOW, why am I getting hugged by male/female colleagues telling me they love me?? P133, NSFW?? Unless of course it has something to do with me not being myself as of late, doubt it though. As much as I want to try it again tonight, I’m gonna hold off. Needs to be blind tested properly away from the work environment.
Anyhow, effects on me, I didn’t really notice anything different than from what I usually get from my normal IS/IO combination, so I’m guessing it affects others. Only did 2 sprays of P133 (5mcg x2) to my neck, then within 30 mins applied my IS/IO mix (10mcg per spray, sprayed 3 times - two to the front, one to the back). So, what, I’m wearing 40mcg. Interesting though if that is the results after just 10mcg of P133. Will have to see what the blind testing/standalone trial does. Will probably try that on Thursday when I’m off and go for a walk-a-bout to see what happens.
So where was I? Oh yeah, 2nd thing. You know that ‘hater’ that I had an exchange of words with? Well, he was really nice for once. Not dropping my guard just yet, could of been the P133 I guess, but we actually had a decent conversation for once! 
Anyhow, back to my IS/IO mix. That was far too much hugging last night. Not complaining like, but not used to getting THAT much attention from guys. If I get similar on the standalone test, then I’ll know for sure, but I’ll have to wait and see. Looks like I’m back to testing again. Nice break after 6 years of researching day in day out appears to have come to an end. 
Now I await for the Royale and look at the store to see what I may get on the next order.
NH out.
Back again! 6:05am here in the UK, and I’m sat in here writing an update to a fun night in work.
I’ve revisited P109 as it’s been a while. Made sure I didn’t pick up the P133 again, lol.
Anyhow, that weird feeling I got last time I used P109, the undead zombie feeling, yep, it was there again. It’s like you kind of know what you’re doing, but yet, you’re in some sort of dream state. You can have the worst day/night with people shouting at you (mostly ignorant customers that think we’re all thick because of where we work) except with P109, I don’t care. You could tell me that the World is ending (in my case, that’s been the past couple of weeks 
), and I just wouldn’t care whilst wearing P109. Actually no, I would care with what has happened, but if it was any other situation, I think I really wouldn’t care. Still wish I could turn the time back on that stupid mistake, but what’s done is done.
However, I decided to add my IS/IO mix into the action. Damn, don’t ask me what went on there, but for 3 hours solid, I just laughed away to myself. I just couldn’t stop smiling the whole time; and that was within 5 mins of me spraying the IS/IO mix.
Should point out the P109 was 5mcg, 3 sprays used, 2 to the front of my neck, 1 to the back. IS/IO, same spots, but at 10mcg per spray. Total amount 45mcg.
So, yeah, no hugs today, same people working as yesterday, but the difference was I’d switched P133 for P109 and then applied the IS/IO mix 30 mins later.
I don’t think I could use P109 on its own. This is the 3rd time I’ve tried it; and every time I have, I’ve felt like I’ve been zombiefied! Still, introducing the IS/IO made for a great feeling of joy, which as of late I really needed.
I didn’t notice anyone around me be affected, but they certainly noticed my weird behaviour/smiling. Probably thought I was thinking of something. I always am anyway with this photographic memory of mine. I look out into an open room/space and project all kinds of things in front of me. Mostly it’s work related although, I’ve started learning ground school for flying helicopters. I used to fly fixed wing aircraft 16 years ago; and as of next year, I want to switch to learning to fly helicopters. Downside, I now have to redo all my ground school courses again, all 9 of them, pah. Worth it though, above the clouds has to be the best office in the World!
I’ve wandered off track again, always doing that, lol! So yeah, tomorrow, IS/IO and I don’t know, may take the zombie spray, haven’t decided yet. For now, I bid you a good night as I need to get my usual 4 hours shut-eye!!
NH.
So, my new word for P109 and IS/IO is ‘Zombified’!!
Tried it again today, same results as all the other days. Not a care in the World feeling, yet strangely smiling at the slightest thought.
I’m still not noticing anyone else getting the ‘zombified’ effect, so I’m guessing this one is a self-effect mone. Saying that, if the dosage is upped, it may affect others, but for this 1st stage testing it’s actually been quite nice to go to a place of deep thought for once, without feeling depressed.
Still, saying that, my actions have been noticed; and whilst I felt like I’ve done literally nothing all day, apparently I’ve been doing the total opposite! Ask me how?? Does this mix alter your mindset that much to think time has slowed down? Yes, yes, I think it may well do!
I had a colleague tell me to “Slow down, you’re very hyperactive today, you’ll burn yourself out!” Really?? Never noticed it once all shift!! Hence the term ‘zombified’ came to mind. Kind of funny really, making up our own words to describe a mix, but hey, it’s the best thing I can describe it as!
Problem I have now is I cannot sleep. Don’t ask me why, I know I usually have 4 hours a day, but I really should be tired; and I’m really not, lol. Been awake for almost 22 hours straight!! Beginning to wonder if it’s a side effect, as I had the same thing happen last week after testing the ‘Zombie mix’ over 2 days. Anyhow, thankfully I’m off today, so when I do eventually sleep, I’ll be right as rain for tomorrow’s shift, which is at the crack of dawn, pah, then another day off, yippee! 
Keeping my eye on the weather forecast as snow is heading our way. Never sticks long enough here in Liverpool, for me to use the sledge I brought back from Germany 16 years ago, lol. Tempted to take it back to Garmisch-Partenkirchen to the mountain slopes, as there was absolutely nothing like sledging down the side at 3/4am with the moon making all the xmas trees glow florescent green. That could also be down to the fact that I’d had a lot to drink. You see the hotel I was working in at the time was on the side of a mountain, you had to walk up 6 steep turns in the road to get to the hotel as the cable car stopped at 9pm. No one in their right mind would climb that thing sober; and most of the time I’d been DJing in the local town, so yeah, alcohol was the only thing that gave you the willpower to climb it, especially as the higher you got the colder it got - minus 32C, lol!! Then I’d go and get the sledge from my room, climb the slope at the back of the hotel (which took the best part of 10 minutes) then scream like a girl back down, lol. Safe to say the guests weren’t amused, nor the boss each morning, but hey, come 6am I had to cook all their breakfasts, so it was my way of enjoyment to sober off and have some fun before the next long day of work, before repeating the nightlife, lol.
Must admit, I did once sleep in the phone booth next to the cable car one night, far too cold and the snow was coming down so much I thought “Sod that!” Still probably should of attempted it, as in the morning, I was pinned in the booth by the snow, not fun to get out of, lol, then I had the horrid task of climbing the road with what I can only describe as waist-deep fresh snow.
Miss those days, it was fun!
Speak soon.
NH.
Hahahaha! That sled sliding is one nice ice-breaker!
So, today I tried P109 standalone. Wow, what a difference that makes without the IS/IO combination!!
First off, I got that Zombie effect but, instead of getting that buzz/uncontrollable spontaneous happy feeling I get when I combine the other 2 mones, well it was more of a power drainer than anything.
I went to work energized after being awake from midnight, had plenty to eat, but spent what I can only describe as 6 and a half hours of watching/listening to youTube music. First was Hardwell 2016, Live from Japan. Trust me, you couldn’t sit down on that one, I was in my own World, headphones on with not a care that no one could hear the journey Hardwell was taking me on with hit after hit. At the end of that, I ended up looking at Ibiza sets from some club called “Elrow.” Has to be the only club that I have seen that well, if you’ve never been or seen ( and I haven’t, as I’ve never been to Ibiza) that has every element of bizarre thrown in, with a DJ trying to keep the insanity all together with some pretty decent tunes! There was every cartoon/gaming character you could think of in their mingling with the clubbers. You had people with squeaky toy hammers, rubber chickens, morph suits, UV paint, inflatables including lilos, lol. You name it, if you wanted bizarre, that was most certainly the place to find it! But, in a strange way, I was hooked, nearly made myself late for work in doing so, lol, but thought I’d post to show you guys just how pumped up I was, going into my workplace for a 7am start!! Think I was the most energetic person there, lol. One customer even stated around 740am, “Your too happy and lively for this hour of the morning!” Yep, that was me. Actually, that normally is me; and as I replied back, “Well, would you want a bored sounding employee speaking to you or, someone that livens up your mood for the rest of the day?” Safe to say, the customer said, “Well, yep, I see you’re point, but I’m used to hearing dull lifeless people at this hour, so it makes for a change to hear a polite young man, full of energy, speak to me!” Young, lol, now that made me a happy dude. See, this was what I was saying on page, erm, 15? Facial reconstruction when I was 10 seems to have halted my ageing process, not that I’m complaining; and to be fair, I’m full of energy, as much as when I was 24. Actually, I think I may have a lot more, than back then, as at that age, I was an assistant manager of a hotel and, well, a social life was pretty non-existent apart from on payday, when the chefs and I would hit the local nightclub after a gruelling days work. I even went there in my suit, lol, no time for changing (even though I lived in the hotel), it was straight out, go get my groove on; and deal with the hangover the next day, lol.
Anyhow, I’ve sidetracked yet again!
So, I’m in the energetic mood, get into work, spray the P109 (3x 5mcg, 2 to the front of my neck, 1 to the back of my neck); and go about the tasks as normal. I’m working in what I can only describe as the coldest part of the department, of which standing in a freezer would be considered the tropics, but it’s the job; and I’m slowly getting that zombie feeling coming over me! I can’t even say it was tiredness, as I’d had my 4 hours before waking at midnight. Actually, I’ve done the same now, been asleep since 8pm, woke up at midnight and come here to write this, whilst I think on. Day off today, got plenty to do, and despite the cold weather, I think I may take a stroll later to the city centre to do some shopping and try out P133 in a standalone manner.
Anyway, here we go again, back to erm, yesterday, now. So, not that I’m noticing it, but I’m apparently acting weird, lol. My shift manager brings up a strange conversation of “Are you going into the whirl pool at the apartment?” There’s a whirlpool?!! What?? So, I’m like, “Nah, I’ll be too busy in another room playing tunes, why?” Didn’t expect the response if I’m honest, although maybe I should of, “Well, XXXXX said she’ll be wearing a bikini and getting in, so maybe you should think about it!” Oh hell no!! Yes, he IS talking about my colleague! Like I haven’t had enough trouble this last few weeks, not making things worse. Anyhow, somehow, me in a mankini just wouldn’t look right, lmao!!
So, as the next hour or so progresses, I’m still being considered as being weird, lol, as I keep taking a run and slide down the length of one of the corridors. Well, it’s quicker to get from A to B if I’m honest, but I’m amusing my colleagues in the process, but I’m not actually focused on doing it, more to paying attention to the customer coming through my headset and memorising their own versions of our menu. I’m beginning to think the people of the UK don’t get up in the morning and think, “You know what, I fancy XXX from this place as they sell it.” Personally, I think they think, “I fancy XXX; and the nearest business will make it for me; and they better have all the ingredients to do it too, or I’m not gonna be happy, complain that you never have what I want in; and will treat you with 100% disrespect in the process!” Yep, that sums up my normal working day; and normally, I’m under the influence of IS/IO, so they can let me have it and I won’t care, I’ll just keep on smiling. Actually, that makes me think of the monkeys in the animation Madagascar…“Just smile and wave boys. Smile and wave!”
So, two hours in, I’m on my break, black tea, 6 sugar sachets and chocolate bar. Yes, you read right, 6 sachets of sugar. 2 sachets equal to 1 teaspoon, so 3 sugars in total in a nice big cup. Hey, I have to keep my energy up somehow; and this usually does the trick. Not today, however! I’m on standalone P109; and I’m about to spray another 3 shots to my neck, so I’m wearing another 15mcg, applied within the space of 3 hours from the 1st spray of 15mcg.
Well, that did it, my energy levels went through the floor. For the next couple of hours, I was in what felt like a bad case of lack of sleep, but I still had that “Not a care in the World,” feeling. Now I’m seeing what the IS/IO does when combined to the mix; and so, around 130pm I went and took my IS/IO mix and did 3 sprays to my neck (2 at the front, 1 at the back). It was like a slow wake-up out of a deep sleep feeling; and I’m beginning to grin again. Jeebus, really, 30 mins of feeling like “What the hell is going on here?” Feeling, so, around 2pm, I thought, “Sod this, getting another 3 sprays of IS/IO!” Which I did; and wow, what a difference that did! It was like a sudden release of energy, like someone had stuck some form of witchcraft in front of my nose and cast a spell of instant ‘wake-up’ and boy, did I wake-up and become alert!!
So, let’s do a quick mone recap here. I’m now wearing 30mcg of P109 and 60 mcg of IS/IO, so erm, 90mcg in total. Way. way more than I’ve used in a long time, lol!!
Back to sliding again, back to speaking like I was an air traffic controller, it was like I’d unleashed something dormant inside of me and gone “Hell yeah, here we go!”
So, whilst this is going on, I failed to notice the fact that my colleague had started her shift. Yep that one, that I’m unsure how to react around at the moment; and I’m proper hyperactive just like when I went to work at 7am, lol!!
Now I’m interacting with the staff, but attempting to keep my distance from my colleague. My heart skips a beat every time I see her. Actually, to be honest, it jumps out of my chest and I get some bizarre feeling right throughout my body to the point that I could literally combust so, staying out of the way, was the only option that I could think of. Back to keeping busy doing tasks away from sight. I hope she doesn’t take that as the wrong way, but as I’ve posted in other pages, I’m still unsure as to what she said to the manager and well, I’m not pushing my luck in asking, or make her feel uncomfortable in telling me; and yes, he still hasn’t asked for the full details, which I’m glad about, not really for him to hear.
So, the talk right now amongst the staff is of the apartment/works xmas night out, which is drawing ever closer. I’m getting asked if I’ll be attempting to kiss my colleague! Here we go! Safe to say, I just brushed it off, said I’d be in a room somewhere playing music and if my colleague wanted to speak to me about ANYTHING, she would know where to find me. To be frank, who knows how that night will pan out. Last year, she wasn’t working for us; and if the apartment is anything like last year, albeit we had no background music, this year they have me, I’ll be trying not to go blind again with all the ladies walking around in nightwear. I didn’t know where the heck to look!! Mostly looked at the floor if I’m honest, because there’s some things a guy with a photographic memory just shouldn’t see; and for days after last years event, I was recalling that particular night in graphic detail. Now that the guys are talking about it, I’m recalling it again; and some of those that were there last year, were present on shift. Not good, not good at all when my head goes split screen and I’m now looking at recaps of that apartment. Try having a conversation with someone, but seeing what feels like a live video stream of them in a drunken state wearing night clothing. Yeah, you see my point, nightmare!! Think I might take some shades with me to the apartment this year, darken out my view (hopefully) of everything going on around me, lol. Can’t be coping with even more nightwear memories.
So, apparently I worked an extra hour more than I should of done! Boy, does time fly when you’re ‘zombified’ and having fun, but were I’d spent that last couple of hours basically hiding, lol, I’ve now got my colleague next to me, taking over my station. Eek! Heart out of chest moment just kicked in; and I’m trying to focus here. Couldn’t help but notice she didn’t have a jacket and the conversation soon kicked in that she should get one before taking over. Safe to say that was a two way of “No, I’m fine, I’m hot from working down there!” To me thinking, you’re gonna get sick, have hypothermia and I can’t be having that! This felt like an eternity of trying to get her to go and get a jacket and keep herself warm. I guess that’s my caring side kicking in again, but in the end I gave up on her “I’m fine!” Laughs and let her take over my position. For a minute or two there, I felt like I had a connection, such a nice individual; and with that, my shift ended.
Home, sleep and now here typing this; and as I go into the 'advance section to review my typos, lol, I’m thinking, maybe the past is put to one side between my colleague and I, hopefully we’re friends; and in time I hope to not be so darn scared to go near her on shift with fear of what has been said without my knowledge. Only time will tell, I guess, but I left in high spirits feeling good; and I’m really glad I put that IS/IO mix on, otherwise I think I’d of been in a zapped state of mind. Maybe that was the ‘breaker’ between my colleague and I, certainly felt at ease, more than I had when I realised she was on shift.
For now, I’m off to watch more videos of ‘Elrow’. Think I’m addicted to that now, lol.
…and just for you guys, this is one of the sets I was watching yesterday morning, lol. Scroll to just before the 14 minute mark; and you’ll see what I mean by the weird and wonderful goings on, hahaha. Get me to Ibiza!!
NH.
You really like her huh.
Well, you have to decide sooner what steps to take. Either woo her and win her or kill entirely the feeling and be a friend to her. It will be a lot painful later if you chose to love her in silence as you watch someone making her smile.
At least one positive result of that one drunken mess of a night is that the whole office mates of yours are now aware of your feelings toward her. Just continue being an awesome friend and workmate and you’ll have them backing you up. Teasing sometimes help winning a girl’s heart.
You can be as unpredictable guy by approaching her one day and lightly flirt with her and then semi-ignoring her the next as you focus at work and making others smile.
Thanks Dee.
Yeah, I really like her. In fact, I’m very much in love with her!
I got the chance to see her for less than an hour today when I was lucky enough to be on the shift with her, albeit only for a short period of time. The cat is definitely out of the bag, as I clocked a female manager mention something about me to her, when I came onto the floor. I’ve clocked my colleague a few times the last week or so just watching me from the other side of the room; and a few others have begun to comment on it too. Could be she’s gazing into space, I do that when I’m looking at the images displayed of my memory, or she could actually be looking at me, lol, wishful thinking maybe!
I’m still playing it cautiously around her, but it’s the little things that make me wonder if she has some feelings towards me also. Eye contact, body language, or I could just be seeing her as her usual perfect self. Like I’ve said time and time again over the past couple of weeks, I cannot fault her. I know everyone has some flaw, but I cannot find one with this person. I don’t think I’ve ever deemed someone ‘perfect’ before, I really mean that! But, this person real is unique in every way; and I guess that is what draws me to her. We have so much in common it’s frightening to even bring it up in case she thinks I’m stalking her, albeit, until she unfriended me I was thinking she was stalking me, posting every darn thing I was looking at minutes after me sharing/liking it. As we now know that’s down to the social media site doing a massive merge of my business/developer a/c into my personal a/c. Are you ready for this, as of this morning the new count for sharing my page with the masses was just over 161m other media users! It seems to be adding more and more content to the backend each day, but I’m now able to see stats for “The number of people your posts have reached, plus likes, comments shares and more.” As well as, “The number of times people have engaged with your posts through likes, comments shares and more.” Then it shows how many times someone has clicked on my posts, clicked on adverts (not that I’ve set any up), videos, etc, etc. Every time I go into the setting section there’s something else new to look over. It’s full of graphs and bar charts as of today; and yes, I still can’t delete anything! That stupid post is still locked in a hidden state!!
So, after my colleague went, my day just got weirder and weirder. 1st of all, the female member of staff that screamed in my face a few weeks back that my colleague didn’t like me, which to be fair was only a couple of days before I went out on that night out, so my mind was probably partially wrecked from that. Well, quick recap on that, the day after she screamed in my face; and I told a member of staff, because let’s face it, my mood began to change at that point from happy to well, sad if I’m honest. I think that was the trigger of the downward spiral. Anyhow, another staff member asked her out loud if she had said it. Let’s face it, she couldn’t of denied it, anyone that had the sense to check the camera system that monitors our every move would of picked it up, but she didn’t say a thing. So the staff member went over to her and asked again. I wasn’t near her when she was asked, but it was loud enough for me to hear it. She was asked a third time; and the response was, “I can’t remember.” It wasn’t your genuine voice of denial, you could tell in her voice that she had said it, it was obvious, but it got me thinking at that point in time, did the person that I’d come to fall for really not like me, had she said something to this person or not; and I guess in my mind, that’s when I begun to ask myself questions, to which I had no answers for!
So, come forward a few weeks to where we are now and the same staff member whom did that shouting, well the past few weeks she’s been flirting like there was no tomorrow. But to make things worse, this staff member would one minute be all flirty, then would come out with random abuse, not the sort of thing you’d expect from someone. Safe to say, she would never be the type of person I would go for. Someone that can scream in your face, lie to others about their actions and then act completely nuts by being friendly one minute then abusive the next, sorry, not the type of person I look for. Besides, she has made it clear to everyone that before xmas, she intends to move back to Dublin permanently which is where she is from. But what raises my suspicions is, she keeps asking me randomly if I still have feelings for/like my colleague. When I say “Yes,” that’s when the abuse starts; and then after a short period she goes back to the flirting. Whacko or what?!!
So, yeah, I think we can now figure out why I was screamed at, pure flippin’ jealousy and an attempt to get me to forget the one person I cannot get out of my head, nor heart!!
Today. Today was no different. I’m on a high from seeing my colleague, she leaves and then off starts the other staff member with her bizarre weirdness of a love/hate approach. Anyhow, staying away isn’t hard, you find something to do in another area; and keep away. But I walked into what I can only describe as an exchange of unpleasantries between this staff member and my old friend ‘the hater’ that I ran into last week. He wasn’t even working, so why he was behind the crew section is beyond anyones guess, but whatever he said/did she was clearly distressed by it! 
So, I took myself off to the shift manager and left it in his hands to sort out, albeit I did then say that this guy had been targeting me for the past month, with comments over my actions/feelings for my colleague. I really do despise bullies, they make your life a living hell. For me, I found this place, my journal, my escape to release everything on my mind. Like I’ve said over the past few weeks, it really has helped, but now it’s more than just a journal of my mones research, it seems to have become a part of my daily life.
As for the mones, well, on walking onto the shift, I was wearing my IS/IO mix, but after my colleague left I applied the ‘zombified’ mix and for me, I felt in a laidback, throw what you want at me mood. I think it kind of helped with the unwarranted actions of the staff member. I had that Elrow video in my head too, so was apparently doing a little dance every now and then, lol.
Anyhow, could be wrong, but I don’t think my colleague works weekends, so won’t see her now till next week sometime, pah. I’m beginning to think it really will be that night out/apartment, before I get to finally sort things out with her. I had the ‘Saturday’ manager, (the one wanting to know more) tell me that my colleague was going to the apartment, “Did I know?” Well yeah, she was on the list of names going, lol, not hard to miss! Don’t think he meant anything in it, he’s not one of ‘the haters’. Besides, I worked with him 8 years ago in another location within the company, so we know each other really well.
So yeah, that’s my day pretty much covered. Who knows what tomorrow shall bring, but with a little bit of P109, IS and IO, I think it won’t be too bad, or at least I hope not. Thursday I’ll be putting in my order for my next delivery (Or is AD having a ‘Black Friday’ event the week after??). Got to get the ‘party vibe mix’ in now, gonna need IS for the morning after, lol. Thinking I may get a little P83, not used that in a while, always good in party environments; and works well with the ‘Instants’ line. I’m up for suggestions on any other mones I’ve not thought of for that particular night!
Speak soon.
NH.
So, day 2 of work and the ‘other’ work colleague is still working weird around me! I was grabbed from behind yesterday and today with the words “I love you, do you love me?!” Can’t sorry, cannot trust her! Even heard her talking about me to other staff about targeting me at the apartment, but then after a while she’ll say directly to me, “You know I’m messing, I’m not interested in you.” Then a few minutes later, we get, “do you love me, do you like me?” The it changes to, “don’t you like me, won’t you speak to me?” Seriously needs to pack it in. Back l8r just nipped in because I’m on my break and this person is literally opposite me trying to find out whom I’m talking to. Erm, I’m on this!!
It’s possible that the other colleague is affected by the mones too.
Anyway, did you test IH? You can use a couple of spray when you’re around the one you love. As long as you can control the self-effect, IH might help your colleague blurt out whatever it is being hidden inside her heart.
Didn’t think IS or IO acted as an attractant on that scale?!! Although, IO does make people open up more, makes the quiet people that keep to themselves come out of their shell and start communicating more. That’s the only thing I’ve noticed when I wear that product whether being on its own or, mixed with other mones.
IS makes me alert, really alert, but when it wears off, I just cannot stop yawning and end up wanting to sleep forever. It’s usually at that point, if I’m working, I’ll spray more IS to bring me back out of that sudden ‘crash’ feeling, as I literally drop off when walking around, as it begins to wear off.
As for this other colleague. It’s a bit of a difficult one. You see, there’s been a lot of talk these past few days that she interacted in an attraction manner with a manager, which didn’t go very well. Don’t know if it involved kissing or more, it’s hearsay behind closed doors from other staff/managers, but if this person had the feelings she claims she did for me; and let’s face it, she blasts it out all over the department when on shift, then would she be with someone else?!!
On top of that, we have the endless “Love me/hate me,” comments from her, plus the endless rejection comments she throws my way in between the “Here’s my man.” Comments, which yeah, that’s a little off-putting. She’s also telling everyone that she is going back to Ireland (Southern) before xmas, for good, so how would any relationship with anyone work if she’s off and not coming back. Oh yeah, I asked that one, she said we’re to go with her and live with her! Not a chance. If someone is gonna mess around with more than one person, multiple times (even when in a relationship - which ended a couple of weeks after she told the guy she’d kissed two others at the event), I’m sorry, but there’s no trust; and that’s one big part of any relationship!!
I cannot forget how she screamed in my face about the colleague I have feelings for, saying “XXXXX doesn’t like you! You need to get over yourself!” To the next day when a member of staff asked her from one side of the room, “Did you tell (NH) that (X) doesn’t like him?” No response. So the staff member moved about a metre closer and repeated, “Did you tell (NH) that (X) doesn’t like him?” No response again, she didn’t even look at her, had her back turned. So the staff member literally went within a metre of the staff member and asked, “Listen to me, did you tell (NH) that (X) doesn’t like him?” There was still no response, silence in fact for a couple of seconds, then she responded without even looking at the member of staff, “I can’t remember.” Her body language, her tone of voice, how she was reacting told everyone that she had indeed said it. The other staff member just walked away, but we all knew at that point that we had someone stood before us lying through her teeth. But in saying that, I still wondered if at all something had been said to her by my colleague, or nothing at all and she was using as a means to get me to like her instead. I’m sorry, but I would never go out with someone of that nature. Screaming in my face in that manner, not acceptable; and then to have the cheek to deny it happened!!
To top that off, remember the wedding reception I went to in July, (Recap Pg. 14), well, at that reception in the evening, the staff member, whom at the time was in a year-long relationship, kissed two people at said event, literally one after the other!! I actually caught it on video (deleted the next day when I saw it, as far too many people wanted me to show it to them - not for their eyes!). One person was a junior member of staff, the other was the male partner of another male member of staff, the very same one she had the altercation with a few days ago!
It’s just a no-go scenario with any relationship of any kind with that person. Cannot and will not happen, even at the apartment. I’ll be doing my darn best to stay well clear!
…Anyhow, with regards to IH, I don’t actually have any at this moment in time. It’s tempting to get some on Thursday when I get paid and put in my order for the party mones, deffo need IS for the day after! However, I’m well aware of how IO affects me in a big way. I’m concerned by my own thoughts/feelings being shared way more that when I’ve had too much to drink, simply because whatever I think when I’m wearing IO (and I have a lot going on in my mind every minute of the day), I just seem to blurt it out. These are things I would normally keep to myself, in any normal situation, I’d be thinking before speaking, but when using IH, that block from speaking seems to be overwritten; and for a few seconds I find myself out of control from what I am saying! Sure, I would love to know what my colleague thinks/feels towards me, if anything, I just don’t know. I should of just said something a long time ago, but as you all know, I’m the shyest guy when it comes to relationships. It doesn’t show when I’m working with others, I’ll interact with anyone, but when it comes to relationships, as it’s been that long since I went out with anyone, I’m literally in a panic! I guess I only need that one instant that someone says “Yes.” When I ask them out, even for a drink/meal, to get to know them better, but it’s getting to that stage that I find so difficult. Mones have helped a lot in that department. Before AD, I’d be the guy forgotten in the corner of the room/club, after joining AD, trying out the Instant and experimental lines, that all changed. I’ve experienced both the good and the bad; and let’s face it, not all the mones AD offers are good for some situations!
Socials are undercover attractants.
Girls are attracted to guys with the light, happy vibe too you know. The trick is by being mysterious, you might actually find out what she really feels. Might. Try using AMMO + IShine after a couple of days with IO + IShine. Just mess with her by this sudden change and then return to IO + IShine and see what might happen.
Regarding the IH, you have to self-test it first then, train yourself to control yourself while under its spell.
There’s 3 types of ammo, if memory serves right. Which one goes best with IS?
The last time I tried the summer edition was with P83 and P74; and got a ‘fruity-liquorice scent’ from the combined mix (Neroli and summer fragrance combined).
Post #19, Page 2:
…and a test with P83 and Ammo SE, Post #23, Page 3:
Guess I’ll have to try your combinations. All the suggested products will be in my next order anyhow, I just can’t remember the last time I tested Ammo/IShine together, as from that point onwards, I began testing all the ‘P’ and ‘MX’ products.
Okie, you’re not gonna believe this. So in some weird twist of probable amusement of my manager, I’m sat on my break with my colleague. Probably should be talking to her, but nope I’m on here typing this post!! Got my headphones in dj app running and yeah, concentration is hard!
This is gonna be a long day!! Speaking of the manager, not gonna repeat in detail what he’s done on entering the room a few mins ago along the lines of French kissing, slightly disturbing whilst being amusing to watch!
Oh, today I thought I’d mix it up. I’m wearing ammo ff22 and my ishine and io mix. Didn’t know she was in, tbh. Just threw it on this morning half asleep thinking it was the p106; and yeah, well lets see how this goes! Playing it with caution today, not used ammo in a long time; and usually only use it for clubbing!
…on my own now. not to worry, at lest we’re not arguing. Brief communication in a friendly manner before I took to this journal/EarPods.
Speak soon. NH
So, yesterday fate delivered yet another ugly blow!
On leaving my shift, one of my managers (the one I’ve known for a few years), said that ‘X’ was leaving, had handed in her notice, actually, in some harsh way, he was actually laughing! How can that be amusing?? Game over if it is true; and probably is! Can’t begin to say how I feel right now, words cannot describe!
I guess, this had to happen at some point, everybody eventually leaves, moves on to newer better things. I just wish it didn’t have to happen to me!
The only thing now is the xmas night out. Possibly and probably the last time I will see this wonderful person.
I don’t think I’ll see her in work after yesterday, as my schedule for next week takes me out of the hours she usually works, again, fate maybe??
I expect the haters to start up tonight or any day after. It’s inevitable now, once they hear the news; and they’ll hear it, because they have to be amused at someone; and I’m just knowing it’s going to be me for at least the next 2-3 weeks, even beyond that!!
It’s gonna be tough. Going to have to just bite the bullet and get on with it, focus on work, nothing more, if I can?!! 
I know my head though, I’ll probably go nuts before next week is over. I feel like someone or something has sucked the life out of me!
My last memories of her were yesterday, seeing her smile as she came into work, talking to another female colleague; and just before I was told by my managers that she was to leave. She seems to have a radiant glow around her when you look at her. As I said, I cannot fault her, but now, as I type this, I know that very soon, if not yesterday, it will soon come to an end!
Heartbroken isn’t even close to how I feel. To be honest, that’s how I’ve felt since the day she unfriended me on the social media site. I guess, maybe that and the staff member screaming that “X doesn’t like you!” Probably should have sent a clear message of what was to come!
I guess I really am sitting on this hill overlooking the World go by before me! I’ll take each day now, as it comes. I have no choice.
Thank you everyone for your support these past few weeks, it’s been a challenge, but has helped.
I guess now, the only thing I can look forward to is the party/apartment, enjoying myself, saying good-byes, attempting to move on.
…My research won’t be taking a back burner, I’ll continue with that. Other than writing/producing music, it’s the one thing outside of the paid day job that I really like doing. I’ve always worked in research (not just AD, I’ve been here 6 years. My research career started back in early 1998), whilst doing other things. Making people understand what you do and what your aims are when going through vasts amounts of data, trying out products (or having them administered to you), reporting effects back, writing up reports and findings, hoping that one day, your work will benefit others is what drives me to do it. The swine flu pandemic was probably my biggest challenge. Yeah it was real, yes there were cures (and should of been rolled out as soon as they realised there was a problem), but there was a large amount of things the general public didn’t know and it was kept from them. It was one thing I’d been researching for 2 years, right up to the Global alert; and when my own DoH ‘experts’ couldn’t answer the most basic questions on a live broadcast of Sky News, I saw it as only one option. Give Sky my research. Probably broke every rule in the book (and the Organisation I worked for at the time, immediately revoked my access. Suppose I don’t blame them, but it was information that every Nation should have known to combat the threat; and people were just sitting on it in the name of ‘research’.). 2 years of my hard work shared on a news data server in a few seconds, but it had to be done, because from what I was witnessing here in my home Country, (well, if I can call it home, as I was born in Malta, albeit the birth certificate says ‘British Military Command’ making me a British citizen from birth) the Government boffins just didn’t have a clue! I had data of all relevant vaccines, even where they were being produced. You know, the biggest delay was getting their hands on said vaccines from abroad. Don’t know why, as most were being manufactured here in the UK, one lab at the time being less than 10 minutes drive away from my house. Goes to show you just how little knowledge the powers that be have, when it comes to serious matters. …and yet, this wasn’t an accidental outbreak! It had been started by carelessness of lab protocols. Heck, for 2 consecutive years, it was being administered to the people of Texas as part of their annual flu jab; and that was the 1st step of the problem. Because, those that had had the jab, the 3 main drugs used to fight the virus were deemed ineffective, so people were literally being refused treatment. Of course, that then rolled out a news blackout. I could see it coming; and then, when I managed to get one of the two Sky News reporters to read out 2 of my questions (that they’d asked the public to send in on their live Twitter feed), the last two in fact, to the two DoH boffins, well, let’s just say, one guy shrugged his shoulders and told the other male ‘expert’ to answer them, to which he replied, “I can’t, I don’t know the answer to them!” You see, if you have a level 4 or 5 allergy to eggs, most of the World’s vaccines cannot be given to you; and that is noted on the US CDC’s own vaccine website (Not the ECDC website though). It was deemed at the time that 4% of the UK population for that one reason alone, couldn’t have the 3 main vaccines. 4% may not sound like much, but when you think of how many millions of people live in the UK, then break that number down to a percentage, yeah, that’s a lot of people not getting treated! I guess in many people’s eyes, that created panic. Let’s face it, this was now a Global pandemic, with some countries refusing to even administer them due to problems in Stage Testing Trials, or banned ingredients of certain countries, found to be contained within the vaccines. That probably didn’t help and added to the problem. What do you fight a virus with, if your own Government blocks the vaccines?!! But yeah, safe to say I wasn’t very popular, but when something feels so right, you tend to think “Sod it, it has to be done!” …and that is exactly what I did.
So, in reading this, I think you may now see me slightly differently. Yeah, I’m a caring guy, I think of everyone else before me, always have; and have probably posted that several times over in this journal!
Like I say, I love research. I find something that interests me, I’ll stick with it, see how and where the journey will take me; and that is one of the reasons I came to find and love AD. By far, it’s brought me the most interest. I’m not sat in a closed environment staring at a computer, reading vasts amounts of data, or spending a week or so in a lab, being a guinea pig; and then writing up what feels like a biography of the ins and outs of the effects. AD for me is more than that, it gets me out, it gets me mingling with new people, I get to see many of the results first hand, happen before me (sometimes they don’t - placebo maybe?), but so, so worth it!! I think I’ll be here for some time to come, I just love coming back, seeing new things, getting my hands on them, testing them out then reporting back, sharing my experiences with others, like me, that are also on the same journey. That and having good friends, because, although I’ve never met any of you, and only ever met a handful of other researchers from previous fields, I treat each and every one of you on here as my friends. You offer some of the best advice anyone can ask for; and that’s proven over the past few weeks in here. Like I say to you all, regularly - Thank-you!!
With that, I shall speak with you later. Time to view the store and make an order.
NH.
So, today I found myself wearing some 2x IShine, a bottle I’d misplaced and found amongst my many empty 2-Go bottles. Gonna clear that shelf in the morning, don’t know if there’s anything else on there with contents waiting to be used/tested!!
Confirmation a couple of hours ago of what I was told yesterday. Sure, it’s a game ender, but I don’t know if it’s because I come here now and put down my thoughts into this journal, but I really didn’t feel as stressed as I normally would!
Still, I am heartbroken, but sitting here now typing this, in a way I’m calm and focused. Could also be that I sprayed most of my P106 on me tonight, really getting low on that. Oh btw, mix that with ammo ff22 and IO/IShine. I’m zombified; and looking at people felt like I was looking in a mirror - DIHL.
Moving on is hard isn’t it! Well I’m trying to. Don’t actually know how, or where I’m going to place these memories I see before me. It’s like a Virtual Reality experience from hell; and every single day, someone, somewhere, tells me it’s “Cool to have a photographic memory.” Seriously?!! I think they’d have a mental breakdown if they could see what I see even for just a few minutes! Even I don’t know why I see things in this manner, I’d swap it in a heartbeat for just one day of not seeing/remembering/feeling anything!! Imagine reliving literally multiple days over and over, every waking hour. That’s what I experience; and it’s quite literally a living hell!!
Yet, in some strange way, it has been very beneficial to remember! Being able to hold vast amounts of data from reading/seeing/hearing it just once, is really good; and once it is in my memory, it doesn’t leave! Albeit, some things (someone) I don’t want to forget, I guess this is where the hard part is going to come. They say “Time heals.” I’m not too sure on that one, but I’m going to take each day at a time, as it comes and deal with it in the best manner that I can.
Many people over the years have come to call me a “Walking version of Google.” I actually think they’re right, lol, in a weird kind of way! I just love to learn new things, always have. Heck I didn’t just enrol on one course, I’d enrol on multiple courses at College/University, all different subjects, because the content of the courses interested me. Even now, I’m studying Ground School to learn to fly helicopters next year. I did fixed wing for 4 and a half years and now I feel the time has come to learn to fly what I’ve actually always wanted to do!! I can say that once you get up into the air, you have the best office in the World. It’s all the work involved to get you there that’s the hard part. I know I’ll do it though, I love challenges, that’s one of the many things that drives me, keeps me focused. Although, the thought of autorotation does frighten me somewhat, lol, the thought of turning the engines off and attempting to land by pointing the nose to a certain angle to maintain airspeed is well, frightening, lol! In planes, that’s easy, they have wings, you can glide to literally anywhere. Helicopters, erm, nope. Once that turbine dies, you need to get it on the ground quick, or you’re gonna be resembling roadkill
Anyhow, it’ll be Monday now, when I make my next purchase. No point putting it in now, seeing as the staff are on their well deserved weekend off! Not to mention, it’ll give me a weekend to decide what I really want for the night out. Any suggestions on that one are well and truly welcomed!
Bye for now.
NH.
Hey NH.
It looks like you are going to lose her by doing nothing. I guess this is not a lose lose situation to you now if you are going to make up your mind and be brave in the name of love.
That’s a better way of leaving a lasting impression to her. A long lasting memory for her, whether she rejects you or not. You will be remembered as the man who really liked her.
Do not imagine the pain by sitting there. I encourage you to face the pain, feel the pain. The pain of rejection does not last a lifetime after all. But the fact that there is a possibility that such act of bravery might win you the loveterry, should be the more reason for you to act now. Come what may.
The time for calculations is gone.
It’s time to act.
And learn.
And grow.
And if you do not lose, you’ll win for sure.
Have a nice week-end!
If you lose her you do. All you can do is tell her how you really feel and go from there what do you really have to lose at this point? I mean don’t do something dumb and lose your job at work, I mean make sense of it.
If you do lose her just take time for yourself and pick up and go on. I know this is way easier said than done. There are a lot of people in the world, there has to be just 1 for you. There will be other opportunities down the road.
It is funny how it works, now that I am married every woman on the planet wants something to do with me, where before I had to work at it more. Maybe it is because I am not trying now, and something with women where I have found for them it is trying to have something they can not have and the chase of it I guess, I really have no idea.
I hear you and thanks.
But, I really do think a couple of days ago was the last time I saw her; and that, I’m finding hard! Kinda just ploughing my head into my work, finding it really hard though. I guess it’s gonna take time, a lot of time. To be fair, I’ve heard endlessly of “There’s someone for everyone,” “Plenty of fish in the sea,” for years. Thought she was the one, we had so much in common, just seemed to get along from the very 1st day we met; and I can remember that day in great detail, when she was sat in the office completing the initial online training, struck up a conversation with her; and thought “Wow, why do I feel so at ease with this person?” Normally, I just shy away, introduce myself and leave it at that. 1st impressions count right, so I always speak with new people straight away, even if they’re being trained by someone else. But I just don’t know, this time was different, it was like cupid was sat in that office, waiting with his bow and arrow. Craziest feeling I’ve ever had; and I got it every single time I saw or worked with her. Never ever got it with anyone else!!
Let’s face it, unless she is in on my shifts of her last week, in a fortnight, or at the apartment/night out, I doubt very much that I will get to tell her! (Where’s the ‘crying’ icon, could do with that right now?!!).
Strangest thing though, I’ve been looking elsewhere for new challenges ie, a new job. Been doing this one for 8 and a half years, been promised promotion to manager for the past 4 years; and even my job title on the electronic system has me down as being a Trainee Manager, yet I’m still in a ‘Trainer’s’ uniform. Hell, I bought something yesterday on finance, new music equipment, thought why the hell not, early xmas present to me, lol, but on filling out the forms I put my current salary and job title, along with all my work details. Don’t ask me how, but they sent me a digital form a few hours later to look over, saying “Your details about your job are slightly wrong. Check that these new ones are correct, as this is what is on file.” Looked over them, discovered my job title said ‘Trainee Manager’ and my pay was 3.5K(GBP) more than what I’d put down! WTF?!! But, that aside, on speaking with a colleague last night on shift; and she also said she was “Gutted that ‘X’ was leaving.” I came to be told (without asking) where she was moving to. Oh cr*p, one of the jobs I’ve been looking at all week, that I could do with my eyes closed; and double the money that I’m actually on now!! As tempting as it is, gotta let her go. Gonna have to put that one job aside and look elsewhere. Last thing I want is to make her think I’m stalking her, really never want that, but still, it did make me think “Woah, what the?” When my colleague told me last night. Chances of us being in the same department, slim, but the way my luck seems to be, that would probably turn out to be the opposite.
Seriously, why didn’t I just ask her out? My nerves always get the better of me on this. Kicking myself for not speaking with her in the crew room last week, had plenty of opportunity, but once again, nerves kicked in. To be honest, I was seriously thinking of just showing her this journal, although she’d probably think I was nuts; and who wouldn’t! It’s my life, written online, in a closed environment, that only a handful of people can see if they’re registered to access the forums and comment on. BTW, you all really have helped me deal with things I’d normally be currently keeping to myself. Would be climbing the walls right now, stressed out if I hadn’t come here and written everything down!! Google never brings up my name for here, believe me, I’ve checked. Trying to get people to understand what I’ve come to call mones as NIT (Neuro Influence Technology), (Heck it’s on the side of the bottles), but people that don’t use mones, have little, or no knowledge of them, are probably the hardest people to make understand what they are or why we test/use them on a daily basis. I love my research with AD, best experience I’ve ever had, takes me on a journey of discovery every time I trial something new; and well, it looks like my work/private life is going to come to a change in direction. Time I guess is what I need, but all good things (mostly great things) come to an end. Gonna be hard, I can feel it. Chin up, attempt to block out, (yeah, that’s not gonna happen, so brave face will be shown to all!); and move on!
…and with that, I’m getting ready for work. Another night of the general public thinking me and the team are thick for where we work. Really getting tired of hearing it now, hence the thinking of moving on. I know I have plans to learn to fly next year, a new job, better pay would enable me to do that much quicker, so, so tempting to get out now, turn my back on a job I love, but an environment I hate. After all, 4 years is a long time for senior managers to hold a carrot in front of your face, promising you broken promises, but yet, having you complete all the relevant training to do it over and over, to the point that you know more than the very managers you work with! Had enough now.
Speak soon.
NH.
I know it is hard to open up and commend you for that. No worries and we all have a story and what I have grown to love here after 4 years is no one judges, so all is good.
I worked for the county and they promoted a guy that did not meet the qualifications, and I applied for another job that came up and they did not promote me and I went like a man to the general manager and asked with respect why I could not be promoted due to rules and they could promote another guy who was not qualified? We had a respectful conversation like grown ass men and then I told him I was going to have to put in my notice and go back to my old job. He was very respectful and accepted and totally understood that and in fact I got his respect and used him as a reference.
I would go behind closed doors and talk to whoever you need to try and figure things out as hard as it may be to do, I mean it is your life. You can be respectful about it, and if you do not get where you need or deserve to be, just stay on the look out for other opportunities. I mean if you can double your money at some other company, I say go for it and look out for yourself and better yourself. I would make that a priority and not worry about her being there yet. That will come if it is meant to be.
I know it is much harder doing it than saying it, but it is your life and to make things happen you have to take charge(Mones do help!).
What I would do is wear a setup of A314/IS/IH and then go in there and talk to them about why you have been in (training) so long. Tell them (in a nice way) that you want the truth no matter what it is and where does everything stand! I mean you provide a service to them faithfully and deserve this.
One good journal to check out is Conjurators as he has been through a lot of interviews and jobs for sometime and finally got his dream job! I have learned quite a few techniques from reading his journal to apply for myself and it works!
I say hold your head high and try building the self esteem back up! You WILL succeed.