On Women......

Lounge
1

It’s not difficult. To make a woman happy, a man only needs to be:

  1. a friend
  2. a companion
  3. a lover
  4. a brother
  5. a father
  6. a master
  7. a chef
  8. an electrician
  9. a carpenter
  10. a plumber
  11. a mechanic
  12. a decorator
  13. a stylist
  14. a sexologist
  15. a gynaecologist
  16. a psychologist
  17. a pest exterminator
  18. a psychiatrist
  19. a healer
  20. a good listener
  21. an organiser
  22. a good father
  23. very clean
  24. sympathetic
  25. athletic
  26. warm
  27. attentive
  28. gallant
  29. intelligent
  30. funny
  31. creative
  32. tender
  33. strong
  34. understanding
  35. tolerant
  36. prudent
  37. ambitious
  38. capable
  39. courageous
  40. determined
  41. true
  42. dependable
  43. passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
44. Give her compliments regularly.
45. Love shopping.
46. Be honest.
47. Be very rich.
48. Not stress her out.
49. Not look at other girls.

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

  1. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself.

  2. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself.

  3. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes.

  4. IT IS VERY IMPORTANT to never forget:

  • birthdays
  • anniversaries
  • arrangements she makes

=========================================
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

  1. Feed him.
  2. Fuck him.
  3. Shut Up.

WOMEN’S ENGLISH

Yes = No
No = Yes

Maybe = No
I’m sorry = You’ll be sorry

We need = I want
It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious

Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure, go ahead = I don’t want you to do that
I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset

You’re so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
Be romantic and turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = I want new curtains, carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I want something expensive

How much do you love me? = I did something terrible today
I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

:wink:

Newbie
2

Are we really that complicated?? LOL

You guys deserve a medal just for putting up with us.

3

If you want to win any woman over, this is what you do:

  1. When she asks how she looks, shrug and say “could be better” this will keep her on her toes, and girls love that.

  2. Never hold her hand, this can be interpreted as a sign of weakness, or if she grabs your hand squeeze hers really really hard until she cries, this will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are.

  3. Once a month sneak up on her from behind and knock her over, girls are like dogs, they love to be roughed up.

  4. Call her in the middle of the night to ask if she’s sleeping, if she is, say “you better be” , repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning, this will show her you care.

  5. When she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be her fault, this will pave the way for her own personal improvement, and every girl needs some improvement.

  6. Recognize the small things…they usually mean the most, then when she’s sleeping, steal all her small things and break them because jewelry is for pussies and Asian ladies. If she finds this offensive, tell her to go shop for a sense of humor.

  7. If you’re talking to another girl, make sure shes looking. When she is, stare into her eyes and say the words “fuck you” and grab the other girls ass. Girls love competition.

  8. Tell her you’re taking her out to dinner, drive for miles so she thinks it’s going to be really special, then take her to a burning tire yard and when she starts to get upset tell her you were just kidding and now you’re really going to take her to dinner.Then drive her home, when she starts crying and asks why you would do something like that lean over and whisper very quietly into her ear “…because i can.”

  9. Introduce her to your friends as “some chick”, women love those special nicknames.

  10. Play with her hair. Play with it HARD.

  11. Warm her up when shes cold…and not by giving her your jacket…then you might get cold. Rather, look her in the eye and say “if you don’t stop bitching about the cold right now you’re going to be bitching about a black eye.” The best way to get warm is with fear.

  12. Take her to a party. When you get there she’ll have to go to the bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the party’s dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you at the party.

  13. Make her laugh. A good way to do this is if she has a small pet, kick the pet. I always find stuff like that funny.

4

Wow…I never knew I was this complicated :stuck_out_tongue: lol, so ladies what do you think?

Very funny!!! :smiley:

5

MEN VS. WOMEN

A compiled edition from various sources

Women have many faults
Men only have 2
Everything they say
And everything they do

RELATIONSHIPS

First, a man does not call a relationship a relationship - he refers to it as “that time when me and Suzie were boinking on a semi-regular basis.”

When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled “All Men Are Idiots.” Then she will get on with her life.

A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the breakup at 3 am early on a Sunday morning - he will call and say “I just wanted you to let you know you ruined my life, and I’ll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you’re a total floozy. But I want you to know there’s always a chance for us.” This is known as the “I Hate You/I Love You” drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas these classes rarely prove effective.

 50 Women's rules for men...
 
 1. Call.
 2. Don't  lie.
 3. Never tape any of her body parts together.
 4. If guys'  night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.
 5. If guys' night out is  going to involve strippers, remember the zoo       rules: No petting.
  6. The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is never, ever "Yes". 
 7.  Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?"
 8. Victoria's Secret is good.  Frederick's of Hollywood is bad. 
 9. Ordering for her is good. Telling  her what she wants is bad. 
 10. Being attentive is good. Stalking is  bad.
 11. "Honey", "Darling", and "Sweetheart" are good. "Nag",  "Lardass",       and "Bitch" are bad.
 12. Talking is good. Shouting  is bad. Slapping is a felony. 
 13. A grunt is seldom an acceptable  answer to any question.
 14. None of your ex-girlfriends were ever nicer,  prettier, or better       in bed.
 15. Her cooking is  excellent.
 16. That isn't an excuse for you to avoid cooking. 
  17. Dish soap is your friend.
 18. Hat does not equal shower; aftershave  does not equal soap; and,       warm does not equal clean.
 19. Buying  her dinner does not equal foreplay.
 20. Answering "Who was that on the  phone?" with "Nobody" is never       going to end that        conversation.
 21. Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?" 
 22. Two  words: clean socks.
 23. Believe it or not, you're probably not more  attractive when you're       drunk.
 24. Burping is not sexy.
  25. You're wrong.
 26. You're sorry.
 27. She is probably less  impressed by your discourse on your cool car that you think she  is.
 28. Ditto for your discourse on football.
 29. Ditto for your  ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single       bound.
 30.  "Will you marry me?" is good. "Let's shack up together" is bad. 
 31.  Don't assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.
 32. Don't assume PMS  doesn't exist.
 33. No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean  anything she feels like at that particular       moment in time, and  it could change without notice.
 34. "But, we KISS....." is not  justification for using her toothbrush.        You don't clean plaque with  your       tongue.
 35. Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11 pm.  
 36. Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.
 37. Pick  her up at the airport. Don't whine about it, just do it! 
 38. If you  want to break up with her...break up with her. Don't act       like a  complete jerk until she       does it for you.
 39. Don't tell her you  love her if you don't. 
 40. Tell her you love her if you do. Often.  
 41. Always, always suck up to her brother. 
 42. Think  boxers.
 43. Silk boxers.
 44. Remember Valentine's Day, and any  cheesy "anniversary" she so       names.
 45. Don't try to change the  way she dresses. 
 46. Her haircut is never bad.
 47. Don't let  your friends pick on her. 
 48. Call.
 49. Don't lie.
 50.  The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact       that  she has to go through labor       while you sit in the waiting room on your  ass smoking cigars isn't        fair either,  and it balances        everything.
6

SNAP JUDGMENTS ABOUT MEN AND WOMEN

 Reading the signs:  How to make shallow snap judgments
 - Taken from Women's Glibber
  
 The trick to successful dating is learning how to interpret the hidden  
 signs, those tiny giveaway gestures that can tell you so much about a  
 person.
 
 Train yourself to recognize - and decode these  key "signs":
 
 1. Woman won't unlock car door for man.
  -Doesn't engage in oral sex.
 
 2. Man gets in car without opening  door for woman.
 -No foreplay.
 
 3. Man can't hail a  cab.
 -Impotent.
 
 4. Insists on going to a brand new  restaurant.
 -Prefers virgins.
 
 5. Insists on going to a  brand new restaurant but gets lost on the way 
 there.
 -Is a  virgin.
 
 6. Insists on going to a romantic, candlelit  restaurant.
 -Compulsive Don Juan.
 
 7. Insists on going  to a homey little cafe.
 -Compulsive Don Quixote.
 
 8.  Insists on going to a Polynesian bar.
 -Compulsive Don Ho.
  
 9. Wants to go to a French restaurant.
 -Will swallow.
  
 10. Wants to go to a deli.
 -Won't swallow.
 
 11.  Uses Sweet n' Low.
 -Wears falsies.
 
 12. Takes too long  deciding what to order.
 -Has trouble reaching orgasm.
 
  13. Orders salad dressing on the side.
 -Will give a hand job, but won't  go "all the way".
 
 14. Gives explicit orders to the waiter or  waitress.
 -Will expect incredibly skillful gymnastics in bed. -Will say  she's 
 using birth control when she's not,
 will get pregnant and  sue.
 
 16. Insists on ordering for you.
 -Thinks that you  had an orgasm when you didn't.
 
 17. Asks for "the  usual".
 -Insists on missionary position only.
 
 18. Asks  what the specials are.
 -Will want you to use handcuffs.
 
  19. Fills up on bread and crackers.
 -Premature ejaculator.
  
 20. Doesn't finish everything on the plate.
 -Has already  come.
 
 21. Insists on having some of what you ordered.
  -Will make you sleep on the wet spot.
 
 22. Changes mind after  ordering.
 -Will never call you.
 
 23. Changes  tables.
 -Nymphomaniac.
 
 24. Drinks decaf.
 -Fakes  orgasm. (Female)
 
 25. Orders in French.
 -Fakes orgasm.  (Male)
 
 26. Sends food back.
 -Will sleep with you, brag  to all his friends, and then try to borrow 
 money.
 
 27.  Asks for detailed descriptions of the desserts.
 -Needs you to talk dirty  during sex.
 
 28. Orders a dessert involving ladyfingers.
  -Wants a hand job.
 
 29. Orders a dessert involving nuts.
  -Castrating bitch.
 
 30. Wants to split dessert.
 -Is  dying to move in with you and rearrange all your closets.
 
 31.  Credit card is refused.
 -Low sperm count.
 
 32. Undertips  waiter.
 -Small penis.
 
 33. Undertips parking  valet.
 -Small penis.
 
 34. Undertips cabbie.
  -Small penis.
 
 35. Uses a toothpick.
 -Is trying to tell  you size isn't everything.
 
 36. Has a removable cassette player  in car.
 -Pulls out repeatedly during sex.
 
 37. Has a  cellular phone in car.
 -Has a penile implant.
7

WORDS WOMEN USE

“FINE”
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are
right and you need to shut up. Never use “Fine” to describe how a women
looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

“5 MINUTES”
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your
football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it’s an
even trade.

“NOTHING”
This means “something”, and you should be on your toes. “Nothing” is
usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you
inside out, upside down, and backwards. “Nothing” usually signifies an
argument that will last “Five Minutes” and end in “Fine”

“GO AHEAD” (With Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a women getting upset over
“Nothing” and will end in the word “Fine”

“GO AHEAD” (Normal Eyebrows)
This means “I give up” or “do what you want because I don’t care.” You
will get a “Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead” in just a few minutes, followed by
“Nothing” and “Fine” and she will talk to you in about “Five Minutes” when
she cools off.

LOUD “SIGH”
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often
misunderstood by men. A “Loud Sigh” means she thinks you are an idiot at
that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here arguing
with you over “Nothing”

SOFT “SIGH”
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. “Soft Sighs” mean that
she is content. Your best bet is not to move or breathe, and she will stay
content.

“THAT’S OKAY”
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a
man. “That’s Okay” means that she wants to think long and hard before
paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. “That’s Okay” is
often used with the word “Fine” and in conjunction with a “Raised Eyebrow”

“GO AHEAD”
At some point in the near, future, you are going to be in some mighty big
trouble.

“PLEASE DO”
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A women is giving you the
chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing
whatever it is you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be
careful and you shouldn’t get a “That’s Okay”

“THANKS”
A women is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you’re welcome.

“THANKS A LOT”
This is much different from “Thanks.” A women will say, “Thanks A Lot”
when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended
her in some callous way, and will be followed by the “Loud Sigh.” Be
careful not to ask what is wrong after the “Loud Sigh”, as she will only
tell you “Nothing”

8

Brilliant, Wolfy. You have pegged us exactly. LOL

9

LOL hahaha…

10

If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman
If you don’t, you are not a man
If you praise her, she thinks you are lying
If you don’t, you are good for nothing
If you agree to all her likes, you are a wimp
If you don’t, you are not understanding
If you visit her often, she thinks it is boring
If you don’t, she accuses you of double-crossing
If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy
If you don’t, you are a dull boy
If you are jealous, she says it’s bad
If you don’t, she thinks you do not love her
If you attempt a romance, she says you didn’t respect her
If you don’t, she thinks you do not like her
If you are a minute late, she complains it’s hard to wait
If she is late, she says that’s a girl’s way
If you visit another man, you’re not putting in “quality time”
If she is visited by another woman, “oh it’s natural, we are girls”
If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold
If you kiss her often, she yells that you are taking advantage
If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics
If you do, she thinks it’s just one of men’s tactics for seduction
If you stare at another woman, she accuses you of flirting
If she is stared by other men, she says that they are just admiring
If you talk, she wants you to listen
If you listen, she wants you to talk

:wink:

11

How many switches does it take to make a woman happy compared to a man. Take a look below…Lol

12

I love it! Thanks! :smiley:

13

Classic!

14

Women are like *phones:
They like to be held, talked to, *
and touched often.
But push the wrong button
and your ass is disconnected.
*
*

15

LMAO!!! hahaha :open_mouth::stuck_out_tongue:

16

lol

See, you’ve got it all figured out!! You guys all understand! Now when are you going to behave as we want you too??? :smiley:

:wink:

17

You would hate us if we did. :smiley:

18

never, that’s what makes you chase us :slight_smile:

19

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
The 1st floor sign on the door reads:
Floor 1: These men have jobs.
The 2nd floor sign reads:
Floor 2: These men have Jobs and Love Kids.
The 3rd floor sign reads:
Floor 3: These men have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.
Wow, she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4: These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and help with Housework.
Oh, mercy me! she exclaims, I can hardly stand it!
Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads:
Floor 5: These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6: You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the stores owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.
The 1st first floor has wives that love sex.
The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The 3rd,4th, 5th and 6th floors have never been visited

20

I totally disagree. That is just gross exaggeration. It seems like all that because you guys are too simple minded to keep up with simple instructions.

Love me
Keep me financially secure
Screw me hard and good all the time :smiley: