Well, I found myself with about an hour to kill today, and I know my first order is set to arrive this afternoon, so I should start my journal!I haven’t got a title yet, but I’ll see what happens and add one at the end.
I’m Beea, I am 21, and a college student in the US. I studied all sorts of things, but am centering in on Pharmacy as a profession, even though I never thought I’d end up in science field. I am really athletic…a NCAA athlete at school… but I still enjoy being very girly and feminine. Astrologically I am a textbook Scorpio, and I am an ENFP myers briggs, with the E/I split at 51/49… and increasing introversion as I get older.
I am definitely outgoing, and usually optimistic, but do need alone time to recharge, and tend to be easily overwhelmed by lots of people. I’ve never had an issue asserting myself, and can definitely be too loud in a social situation. I tend to take on the role of nurturer in my friendships, and am naturally VERY domestic.
My life-long best friend and I are coming to realize the success of our friendship, though, comes from the fact that we are BOTH nurturers, and are able to feel very fulfilled in the balance of caring for, and being taken care of by each other. As I become more self aware and start to realize the things I do desire in a romantic relationship… this balance is definitely important. When I love, I love very deeply, and therefore want to lavish all of my affection to someone… but its taken me awhile to understand that I want to be taken care of, as well. What I look for in a relationship is not just someone to love… as a scorpio, I could convince myself to fall in love with a bar of soap. What I look for is someone that makes me feel comfortable enough to let down my guard of always caring for myself, and allowing another to care for me.
I speak so much about my desire in relationships because it is my current status that has given me the jump start to explore pheromones. I spent the most wonderful year in a relationship with my now ex-boyfriend. We met and instantly grew very close; it was just the sort of fit with another that is undeniably something special. He is younger, and new to our college, and we began to date exclusively less than a month into his college career.
Because of this, we did our best to make sure he was able to develop his own life here that did not revolve around me, he continued to meet new people and go out with his guy friends and I never questioned, just allowed him to have these experiences. I am his first “real” girlfriend (the girl next door for a month or two in jr. high, and a long distance summer camp fling precede me) and he has often said that our experiences were very new to him. He had a lot of family issues that caused him to take time off before coming to college, and I think they greatly affected his ability to let himself experience emotions. I fell in love quickly, and I said so around Month 3. I blurted it out unexpectedly one wonderful night… and he couldn’t say the same. He told me he was getting there, and he was very glad I felt that way, but didn’t want to say it until he could really be sure. From that point on, he was incredibly affectionate. He took fantastic care of me, and did everything he could to make sure I wasn’t upset about his decision. I was very much not upset. I fully respected it, and knew it’d mean so much when it finally came.
Later that month, we had a falling out of sorts… things felt “off” for a few days, and when we talked about it he became very very upset. He started to cry (which I’d later find out was for the first time in several years..) and say that he was feeling very unsure and overwhelmed, and scared because he couldn’t say he loved me yet. He also mentioned that it was almost one year to the date of his mother’s admittance to a psych ward. We did not have a fight. I listened, and told him that it was okay for us to take some space. We did jump in very quickly, and were spending a LOT of time together. From there, we backed off a bit, but stayed together. We re-shifted our focus to our independent lives, and then a month later talked about it again, and he said how happy he was, and that he knew he wanted to be with me.
Around Month 6, a similar thing happened. We grew a bit irritable with one another… and talked about it, and he said he felt confused because he was still not sure about feeling “love” and that he was having issues figuring out what it is that he wanted. This time, I suggested we take a few days of zero contact, just to clear our heads, and reassess then. We didn’t really talk about it much after those three days, but he began acting like he loved me again, and we carried on with our happy life.
Our relationship was always incredibly happy. We had a few very very mild disagreements every once and awhile, but for the most part, always enjoyed each other. The one thing, though, was an issue of sex. He suffers from severe Rheumatoid Arthritis, and is on very strong medication to help with it. He is also much less interested in sex than one would expect a 20 year old boy to be. We’ve talked about that, and he says he doesn’t think he’s had an orgasm, even on his own(all his mechanisms work…its not physical, its sensation based…) and that “actual sex” just didn’t feel that good. So, we abstained for awhile… and kissing, cuddling, hand holding, and massages are where we found our intimacy. I was the first person he’s ever been with, sexually, so he has said that he isn’t sure if it just doesn’t feel good with me, or if it just doesn’t feel good, period. (I’ve mentioned my medication theory, he doesn’t seem to agree with it. Not much I can do there.)
During this past summer, though, we started to find our “hooking up” groove. He became more comfortable, and told me when he wanted me and such… and he felt much better just fooling around, and not having actual sex. I was totally okay with that. It was definitely getting better.
He’s always been the type to really show me off as his girlfriend, holding my hand, introducing me to everyone and all that. He can definitely be inconsiderate sometimes… but he’s a 20 year old boy… what else do you expect? I am very close to his family, and his parents have called me their “daughter in law” a few times… (makes us both uncomfortable…) But honestly, our summer together was FANTASTIC. We went on vacation together, had so much fun, and were really hitting our sex groove, so all seemed well.
When school started back up again, He seemed off, and I asked him about it. He said he couldn’t do a relationship right now. That he needed time to be on his own, because he’s never had the experience of that at college before. He said he was still so unsure of his feelings and was worried that because he didn’t feel love yet, that it might not happen for him. He SOBBED as he told me this. He said he cared about me so much, but was just afraid because he knew that I knew I loved him, and he couldn’t figure it out. He said that he couldn’t just be with just me, and no one else, and know that I was the one he wanted to be with forever.
I listened, and accepted what he told me. It was very hard, but I knew he’d been having trouble with his feelings for awhile, and I love him so much that I did just let him have the space he needed. He said he still cared about me, though, and wanted to remain in each other’s lives. We tried that for a day or two, but it just kept winding up with us rehashing and questioning the break up. He told me the next day he couldn’t think about any of the good things without crying. He told me it didn’t feel right, but it had to be for now…
I typed him up a long explanation of my feelings, telling him that love to me meant he was my companion. I said I could allow him the space he needed, but that I honestly felt more loved by him than I ever had before. I typed it, because I didn’t want to pressure him and demand a response, it was just things I wanted him to know. He did respond, with more of the same he said before… and then I came up with the idea that we needed to just NOT talk about it anymore unless something was to change.
From there… we got very distant. A few irritated exchanges happened, and then we just stopped really trying to keep contact for a week or two. We are just now beginning to talk to one another, though I know that I am still keeping my space, and I am not the one to initiate conversation, because I don’t want to push him, and I do need him to miss me.
In the past 3 weeks I’ve had just about every emotion imaginable about the subject… I’ve been devastated… in denial… ANGRY… “fine”… I’ve pathetically googled “how to get your ex back” and read all of the stupid articles that lead to $50 e-books designed to take advantage of people that are hurting. I don’t need to buy one of those books. This is not a situation where two people fought because one nagged or someone cheated. We genuinely need space, and time. I am focusing my energy into taking care of myself and making myself happy.
Where do pheromones fit this, you ask? Well, we sit next to each other for an hour long lecture, 3 times per week. Its a very crowded hall, and we are in very close quarters. We’re beginning to talk and laugh more in whatever whispering we get in… and I want to make our attraction undeniable.
I know he needs space, and honestly, I think he needs to have a random one night stand. I hate thinking of the specifics of it… but I know it will help him clear up his mind a bit on what it is that comes from HIM with his issues. His low sex drive never bothered me… My previous relationships were men that wanted me ONLY for sex… so to have a genuine connection with someone is very welcome for me. Also, When we are on, sexually… we are GREAT for me… and I do, honestly, feel very loved by him.
My first order (that is STILL not here yet!??! I did one day delivery on MONDAY! 
) contained IS/b and P83, and this morning I ordered some EST.
IS/b because the kittenish sexy vibe should do very well with my mix of extroversion and introversion, and should help me soften my appeal and not come off too harshly.
P83 because the comments mentioned how it was that “love” feeling multiplied, but I’m now seeing that it should be directed by something else, and will help him open up and be expressive..
and EST because that seems PERFECT for me… very much. I am already curious about the combination of P83 and EST, and think some wonderful cuddling could happen there…
Things I still want: IH, p74, and maybe some Eow and pink sugar!
I observed a lot this past week on how people normally treat me, when I am not wearing pheros. I know that I am a very pretty girl, and an outgoing person, and as such I do get a decently high amount of hits now. I rarely open a door for myself, and often catch people’s stares. Its typically men very interested in only sex, though, and I definitely had a problem with being used a lot in my late teens, and honestly, until I met my Love, who I will call L.
I am very curious and have some definite other experimental “targets” identified to see how their reactions will differ under the influence… There is also a party tomorrow night… and I am thinking that would be the PERFECT place to try out IS/b for a first run… I just have to get my darn package first!!!
Okay… now to give this a title… well… first a cookie to anyone who’s actually read this far! I mentioned I AM very domestic… my cookies are SO worth the read! Even if it has turned into a bit of a 'mone tinged writing therapy session…
ANYWAY. My hour is just about up. I hope my rambling is at least entertaining? I definitely welcome any outside observation or more questions or suggestions about my relationship, though… so… talk to me!
I’ll be back later tonight… and will HOPEFULLY have a package in hand!
, and although quite a few women do wear it ‘neat’, I personally need another scent there to make sure I don’t go paranoid and super duper self-conscious while I’m out and about. But EoW is really in a league of its own