personal update but slightly phero related…
a wee bit of a problem
earlier tonight i get an urgent text from jfg: “bars. tonight. you and me.” any other girl and i would think “yeeeeeah, solo time!” but since it was jfg, i figured it was not going to be pretty.
it wasn’t. she wanted to talk about A so we picked a complete hole in the wall with nobody in it for quieter conversation. a quick catch up and hello and off she went.
the story goes that earlier this week, jfg began having suspicions about A. they’re friends, yes, but not “good” friends, not like typical girlfriend let’s-do-everything-together friends. sadly it started with the two great nights i mentioned in the p96+sm thread - the second part of this post: snoopy's mix plus p96: a comprehensive multi-night report and all of this post: snoopy's mix plus p96: a comprehensive multi-night report - #7 by jayarea
during those two nights, A had told me she wasn’t doing anything, so we should hang out. on the other hand, she told jfg she was at some house party. truth is, neither of those are true 
she was at a different house party than the one she told jfg she was at. (if you didn’t follow that, the gist is that she’s shady about her actions) jfg found out the truth early this week and decided to dig a little deeper.
the worst part is, there’s more to that third statement in the above paragraph. she was at an undisclosed house party with some other guy. here i am thinking (at the time) “it’s the weekend and we’re both not doing anything, we should fix that.” nope. i was guy #2 (and maybe #3, or more?) of the night.
right after jfg dropped this on me i was a bit in shock and i think she thought i felt bad, so she said “well, to your advantage, she didn’t stay long at the house party with the other guy; she spent most of the night, and slept over, with you.” i was more shocked than hurt but i guess jfg does have a point there. we paused to drink a little bit more before she continued.
so i’m guy #2 of friday night. that’s cool. this is casual dating, this is social life, we’re not attached in any way and we’re free to see other people. i get that. then came the real shocker: jfg said A did this again (be shady about her location/activity, how i was guy #2+ of the night, etc) saturday night.
seriously? this came as a shocker for one main reason: i thought we bonded well on friday night. we talked and laughed and shared experiences, and had so much fun that we made plans for saturday night to continue our conversations. knowing what i know now, she either lined me up as “the next guy” starting the night before, or she made plans with me first and then double booked with some guy before me.
editor’s note: i know i use a lot of “jfg said…” and “jfg heard…” this isn’t high school he-said-she-said stuff. jfg personally asked some of our mutual friends (who were at parties with A, or didn’t see her at the parties she said she was at) and some of A’s old guy pursuits and they all confirmed this. i trust jfg and know better than to try anything with her for fear of losing a good friend, so when she says “hey, getting with A is a mistake” it’s pretty alarming to me.
we both knew A is a social flirty butterfly. i went into this knowing she would talk to other guys, as is her full right to do so. but for her to literally double book guys for a night, one after the other, and be shady about where she is… that’s just too much for me.
now it was my turn to talk. jfg asked me what i thought about all this. here are the main points of my reply:
- it all makes sense now. in the two posts i linked above, we didn’t start hanging out til late at night, close to last call time at the bars. previously i had thought we were both bored and sluggish to make plans, and not really connecting until last minute. turns out she was rather occupied and not free until that time. jfg also took this time to reevaluate her friendship with A - her rhetorical question was “what if something happened, and i went to look for A at house party #1 when in reality she was at house party #2?”
- her “player-ness” is almost to the point where it’s out of line. for her to basically say “yeah, i had a great time tonight getting to know you and telling you about myself, let’s do this again tomorrow night, but after i hang out with another guy” is something i can’t handle. how do i know i’m getting to know the real A, and not some canned response? what if this is the real A? then she’s a social butterfly i can’t catch, and pursuing her with my time and resources isn’t worth it.
- i mention this in a few posts above this one: she’s the type of girl to “use” a guy. not necessarily sexually, but for miscellaneous reasons - “come over, let’s watch a movie together, but there’s a box with an unassembled bookshelf in the middle of my living room and it’d be great if you could put that up for me and get that out of the way.” if it boiled down to A just enjoying being around lots of guys only for their company, i could maybe handle still talking to her. but to know she uses them (me for someone to drink with and a place to sleep at night, other guys for who knows what), i just feel like it’s a lose-lose situation.
in my opinion, she’s too deep in her “have fun” stage for me, or pheros, to make any impact. it started out as a challenge, but given the fact i’ve never dealt with this type of girl before, and my flirting/relationship skills, i now know this is a challenge i will never win. sometimes you hold 'em, sometimes you fold 'em. take the loss and move on.
jfg agrees. towards the end of the night she kept saying “you can do better.” this wasn’t meant to make me feel better, though partially it might’ve been, but it was more of an anti-A campaign. she said i’m a great conversationalist, a charming guy, etc, and these qualities that girls look for shouldn’t be wasted on someone who won’t appreciate them fully. i thought to myself and about writing this report, “also, pheros shouldn’t be wasted on someone who can’t appreciate them or on whom they have no effect.” what good is a314 if my elevated status in her eyes doesn’t make me any better than the next guy? what good is any sort of attractant if she’s deep-set in maintaining her “non-sexuality” so she can continue bouncing between guys?
in conclusion, jfg and i decided i should cut my losses and move on. basically, it was fun while it lasted, it was a learning experience, it really opened my eyes, and i should leave it at that. i had a few emails come in while typing this report from our mutual friends after hearing jfg and i talked which basically said the same thing. A is having fun right now, and you can’t change someone; it’s better to pick your battles wisely and pursue a girl who will eventually come around.
so… back to square one. still single, no targets in mind, just out to have fun.