**We Really Can’t Win!**A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. “Damn, that was stupid,” she thought as she fell. “What a way to die.”
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.
While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, “Do you suck?”
“No!” she shrieked, aghast.
So, he dropped her.
As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. “Do you screw?” he asked.
“Of course not!” she exclaimed before she could stop herself.
He dropped her, too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. “I suck! I screw!” she screamed in panic.
“Slut!” he said, and dropped her.
**Vengence Is Mine!**One day a construction worker left the job a little early, and when he got home he found his wife in bed with another man. Purple with rage, he hauled the man down the stairs and into the garage where he proceeded to secure his dick in a vice.
Utterly terrified, the man screamed, “Stop, stop! you’re not going to cut it off, are you? ARE YOU?”
“Nope,” replied the construction worker, “You are…I’m going to set the garage on fire.”
The Mailman’s RetirementIt was the mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge. “All this was just too wonderful for words,” he said, “but what’s the dollar for?”
“Well,” she said, “last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.”
He said, “Fuck him, give him a dollar.”
The lady then said, “The breakfast was my idea.”
Wish Fulfillment A man and his wife go to their honeymoon place for their 25th anniversary.
As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband: “When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?”
The husband replied: “All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry.”
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked: “What are you thinking now?”
He replied: “It looks like I did a pretty good job.”
Take Your ChoiceA husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, “Wife, we’re going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog.”
The wife grimaces, “But I don’t like fishing!”
“Look! We’re going fishing and that’s final.”
“Do I have to go fishing with you… I really don’t want to go!”
“Right I’ll give you three choices… 1 You come fishing with me and the dog… 2 You give me a BLOW JOB… 3 or you take it up the ass!”
The wife grimaces again, “But I don’t want to do any of those things!”
“Wife I’ve given you three options.. You’ll HAVE to do one of them! I’m going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!”
The wife sits and thinks about it.
Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, “Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ass?”
The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, “O.K. I’ll give you a blow job!”
“Great!” He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, “Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting… It tastes all shitty!”
“Yes!” says her husband “The dog didn’t want to go fishing either.”
" Why on earth do you want a tattoo of $100.00 dollar bill on your penis ?" asked the tattoo artist.
The client explained: “First, I like to play with money. Second, I like to watch the money grow. Third and most importantly, the next time my wife wants to blow $100.00 dollars, she can stay home and do it.”
There you go emmie, a tattoo joke just for you
Thanks!
..lol!!!
A man went to a psychiatrist and said: “Doctor I suffer from premature ejaculation. Can you help me ?”
The psychiatrist said: “No, but I can introduce you to a woman with a short attention span.”
Q: What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob ?
A: If we don’t get some support soon, people are going to think we’re nuts.
A virgin wanted to marry a farmer boy.
One day she went to his parents house for dinner and afterward they were walking through the fields , when she saw two horses mating.
“What are they doing?” she asked. “They’re making love” said the boy.
“whats that long thing hes sticking in there?” “Oh uh, thats his rope”
“well what are those two round things on the other end”
“Er, those are his knots”
“OK OK,” said the girl happy with the explanation. “I get it”
As they continued to stroll, they came up to a barn and went in. The girl announced: “I want you to make love to me the way those animals were.”
Excited and surprised, he readily agreed, but suddenly she grabbed his balls and squeezed them hard.!
"Whoa! what are you doing he shrieked in pain.
“I’m untying the knots so I’ll get more rope.”
A man is in a hotel lobby, As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled, the man turns to her and says, “Ma’am, if heart is as soft as your breast, I know you will forgive me.”
She replies, “if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 436”
An elderly gentleman lay dying in his bed.
While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite Italian anisette cookies wafting up the stairs. Gathering his remaining strenghth he lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Where if not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out on waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite anisette cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wonderous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.
His aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife…
“Back off!” she said, “They’re for the funeral.”
Little Johnny overheard some kids at school talking about their fathers having the Birds and the Bees talk with them, and explaining love and sex.
Curious, but not really having a father that he could talk to, as his parents were recently divorced, he went home and asked his mother to tell him about the Birds and the Bees.
A little surprised, but quickly recovering, she told him that birds shit on you and bees sting, and that was all he needed to know for now.
lol…! good one
My Jewish mother loved this!!..lol
What are the 3 biggest lies a cowboy tells?
- My truck is paid off.
- I won this belt buckle at the rodeo.
- I was just trying to help this sheep jump over the fence.
Alright Wilks, you making fun of me? 
Just some joke from George Carlin which just stays in my mind for all times.
2 guys (or girls.. whatever. Lets call Jimy and Mandy) drivin a car in city. Turns red light on , and Jimy speeds up and get through it. Mandy askin :
-Why did you do it?
-My brother used to drive when red turns on.
Fine… They are driving. Next corned and red light turns on again… And he did the same thing. Mandy asks again :
-Why did you do that ?
-I told you… My brother used to drive so…
Drivin further… Green light and Jimy stops as fast as he can. Mandy shocked looks at him and asks :
-What the hell? Why did you stoped at green one?
-My brother may come from that corner !
Sounded kinda gay and bad , but ill edit post as it was in show. I just need to find my dvd ;D