The epic Blond Joke thread

Lounge
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Yes, I am blond, so I can tell them.

A newly wed Blond’s Diary of her Cooking experiences

It’s fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn’t dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper

A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can’t say it improved the rice any.

Today Tom asked for salad again so I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden..

I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I don’t have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.

Tom’s folks came to dinner… I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius.. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose. ******

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A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there’s
A ‘peel and win’ sticker on her coffee cup.

So she peels it off and starts screaming,
'I’ve won a motorhome!
I’ve won a motorhome!'************

The waitress says, ‘That’s impossible.
The biggest prize is a free Lunch.?’

But the blonde keeps on screaming,
‘I’ve won a motorhome!
I’ve won a motorhome!’

Finally, the manager comes over and says,
'Ma’am, I’m sorry, but you’re mistaken.
You couldn’t have possibly won a motorhome
Because we didn’t have that as a prize.

The blonde says, ‘No, it’s not a mistake.
I’ve won a motorhome!’

And she hands the ticket to the
Manager and HE reads.. .

‘W I N A B A G E L’ ******

Feel free to add your own.

Blonde Jokes
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Feel free to add my own? Ok. This one is true. I really did this!

I was at a boyfriends house. It was Halloween night. We were hungry so we decided to order pizza. He did not feel like going to get it because we were handing out candy to the trick or treaters -so we had it delivered.

His porch light was not working and he had no house numbers. So while on the phone he called to me - "hey, how will they know which one is the right house?’

I told him… “Just tell him its the one with the lighted pumpkin on the porch!”

DUH. Sad but true.

3

They won’t let blonds work in the Quality Control department in the M&Ms factory because they keep throwing out the "W"s.

Do you know what they call it when a blond dyes her hair brown?
Artificial Intellegence.

Three go to a bar:
Redhead: I’d Like an R&C.
Barkeep: What’s and R&C?
Redhead: Rum and Coke.

Brunette: I’d like a R&R.
Barkeep: What’s an R&R?
Brunette: Rock and Rye.

Blond: I’d like a 15.
Barkeep: What’s a 15?
Blond: Seven and seven.

4

A Blonde goes to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas Cards.
She says to the clerk, “May I have 50 Christmas Stamps”.
The clerk says, “What denomination?”
The Blonde then says, “God help us Has it come to this”.
Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Methodist, 10 Lutheran, and 22 Presbyterian.
**

**One winter morning a husband and wife in northern Colorado were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, “We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through.” So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, “We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through.” The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park…” Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, “Honey, I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?”

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to Blondes exhibit, the husband replied, “Why don’t you just leave it in the garage this time?”

===========

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

The trooper cranked down his window and
yelled to the driver, “PULL OVER!”

“NO!” the blonde yelled back, “SCARF!”

A blonde got lost in her car in a snow storm. She remembered what her dad had once told her. “If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it.” Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five
minutes.
Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the
snow, to follow a plow.
The driver nodded and said, "Well, I’m done with Wal-Mart, now you can follow me over to K-Mart.

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She’d seen many books on the subject and, finally, after getting all the necessary “tools” together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly - from the sky a voice boomed,
“THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a drink from a thermos of cappuccino and began to cut another hole.

Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed,
“THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!!” The blonde, now quite worried, moved down to the opposite end of ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut a hole.
The voice came once more,
“THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!!!”

She stopped, looked skyward and said, “Is that you, Lord?”
The voice replied,
“No…this is the Ice Rink Manager!”

5

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at the craps table. An attractive blonde from Alabama arrived and bet $20,000 on a single roll of the dice.

She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless.” With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice, and yelled, “Come on, baby, Southern Girl needs new clothes!”

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped and screamed, “YES! YES! I WON! I WON!” She hugged each dealer, picked up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one asked, “What did she roll?” The other answered, “I don’t know, I thought you were watching.”

Moral: Not all Southerners are stupid. Not all blondes are dumb. But all men…are men.

6

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, ‘Which do you think is farther away… Florida or the moon?’ The other blonde turns and says ‘Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ???’

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, ‘What’s the story?’ He replies, ‘Just crap in the carburetor’ She asks, ‘How often do I have to do that?’

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, ‘I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!’

RIVER WALK
There’s this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank ‘Yoo-hoo!’ she shouts, ‘How can I get to the other side?’ The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back,
‘You ARE on the other side.’

AT THE DOCTOR’S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. ‘Impossible!’ says the doctor. ‘Show me.’ The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more.

She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, 'You’re not really a redhead, are you? ‘Well, no’ she said, ‘I’m actually a blonde.’ ‘I thought so,’ the doctor said, ‘Your finger is broken.’

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, ‘PULL OVER!’ ‘NO!’ the blonde yelled back, ‘IT’S A SCARF!’

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, ‘We were the first in space!’ The American said, ‘We were the first on the moon!’ The Blonde said, ‘So what? We’re going to be the first on the sun!’ The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.‘You can’t land on the sun, you idiot! You’ll burn up!’ said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, ‘We’re not stupid, you know. We’re going at night!’

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, ‘If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?’ She thought for a time and then asked, ‘Is it on or off?’

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, ‘Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?’ ‘HELLLOOOOOOO…,’ answered the blonde. 'They’re watchdogs!!!

7

Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A blonde walks by and asked what they were doing. Paddy replied,
‘We’re supposed to find the height of this flagpole, but we don’t have a
ladder.’
The blonde took a spanner from her purse, loosened a few bolts and
laid the flagpole down. She pulled a tape measure from her pocket, took
few measurements and announced that it was eighteen feet and six
inches.

She smiled at the pair, checked her nails and make-up and walked off.
Mick said: ‘Now, to be sure, isn’t that just like a blonde!!!We need
the height and she gives us the length.’

8

Game of Intelligence:

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he’d give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?”

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?”

Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, “What is the answer to your question?”

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

Mailbox Trouble:

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”

To which she replied, “There certainly is!”

My stupid computer keeps saying, “You’ve got mail!”

And finally, for all those women:

Blonde Guy:

A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed,sweating and panting. “What’s up?” he says. “I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,“Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted’s hiding in your closet and he’s got no clothes on!”

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.

Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closetfloor.

You rotten bastard, "says the husband,"my wife’s having a heart attack and you’re running around naked scaring the kids!!!

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Is It Because…
A girl came skipping home from school one day.
“Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!”

“Very good,” said her mother.

“Is it because I’m blonde?” the girl said.

“Yes, it’s because you’re blonde,” said the mommy.

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.

“Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled,

“we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!”

“Very good,” said her mother.

“Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy?”

“Yes, it’s because you’re blonde.”

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.

“Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!” And she lifted her tank top to reveal a fully developed chest.

“Very good,” said her embarrassed mother.

“Is it because I’m blonde, mommy?”

“No Honey, it’s because you’re 24.”