I’m not the best at figuring guys out - and i’m not sure what to make of my current situation.
I’m having a purely casual fling - it’s all lovey dovey and pleasantly superficial, and i’m ok with that.
however my guy is starting to confuse me. he’s been getting possessive and a little intrusive lately (not enough for me to feel too smothered yet) but I don’t get it. I’m giving him all the freedom he could want - the understanding is that we’re purely casual. So why does he keep trying to find out whether i’m seeing someone else?
it would make sense if he was actually moving towards trying to settle down with me, but he’s not. So what am I supposed to do with this?
I mean part of me would love to turn the tables and asking him all about his personal business, but that’s more out of a need to toy with him then it is to actually know. So that’s not very nice.
I don’t have anything to hide - but at the same time i don’t want to encourage a feeling of possession if there’s no return on the investment.
well to be honest i haven’t asked him about it - i sorta pretend i never heard it. like the couple of times he slipped up and said the L word. (he couldn’t possibly have been serious with those anyway - so i chose not to acknowledge)
anyways - that’s pretty much what i need to know. how do i ask him about the possessiveness without turning it into a serious “we need to talk” moment.
it doesn’t have to become a big deal “we need to talk” moment, if you just deal with things IN the moment. Next time it comes up I’d just say, “hey, so what’s up with the questions? I thought this was a no-strings kinda thing?”
and see what he says.
I mean, we can try to read into it that he’s not that comfortable with the idea of you seeing anyone else, even though you have no commitment to be exclusive … that would be human nature, wouldn’t it? Maybe he’s not cut out for casual or open relationships if he can’t handle the jealousy; probably most people can’t, when you come down to it.
but there I go, making him up. Best to get it from him I think.
My first response to reading your post was “You’ve demonstrated that you are confident and self-possessed and not a needy/whiny/etc. co-dependent wannabe; therefore, you’ve qualified as someone he MIGHT be interested in long term.”
My second thought was “How do you know?” Specifically, how do you know he’s not serious about moving toward settling down with you? Circumstances and people change; his new behavior is proof of that.
well no - his words are proof of that - his behavior is as casual as always. So that’s kind of why i’m hesitant to call him out - because words and actions aren’t meshing. I guess i’m at the stage where what’s being done is what really counts - all the talk is just window-dressing.
Carrie - you’re right - i prolly should just ask him the next time it pops up. it makes no sense trying to figure someone out based on your own experiences. The funny thing is - i came to this site looking for pheromones that would help us to open up with each other. Now that things are starting to be said I’m not sure what to do with them.
A couple people have mentioned pheromones progressing relationships faster than normal with stronger emotions.
It seems to be the male persona to want sex only relationships, but in reality this doesn’t seem to be what is most prevelent. Men are naturaly possesive.
Men don’t want to own you, but rather want you to consider yourself as their partner without exception. It’s a king of the castle thing. The king wants his loyal subject to follow him to the death. In reality, those subjects could pack up and leave. What keeps them their is the same thing that guys want a women to display towards them.
I’d confront the situation at the next hint of relationship progression. He said he loved you, and you ignored it? Ouch, that had to hurt and he came back for more. Be gentle
well i’ll consider myself his partner without exception if and when the day comes that i can do the same. we’re nowhere near that place at the moment.
as for the love thing - i had to - as i said there is no way he could have been really truly serious. The first time we were being intimate and he was being particularly talkative, and i think it was just the next thing to pop into his head. And we hadn’t seen each other in 8 months. The second time - well i have no idea what that was about - I was leaving and he kissed me on the forehead and said i love you. That one was especially puzzling because i was thinking to myself “i’m pretty much a sure thing at this point, you don’t have to pretend like your my boyfriend”
well that’s kinda what i wonder too. His profession can take a toll on self-confidence, from what I understand. But on the other hand his comments could be totally flippant and not meant to be taken seriously at all. (Another side effect of his profession.)
So that’s why i’m not sure whether to acknowledge it or just roll with the punches.
either way as it stands now - i’m happy with our current arrangement - and part of me would hate to rock the boat.
In my youth I’ve been in a casual relationship a few times and in them I always went through the phase of wanting to be casual so I can screw around, but wanting her to be exclusive because that is of course WRONG. I think it hearkens back to some sort of basic harem mode.
i went through something identical.
he was inquiring behind the scenes and aloof most of the time.
it turns out after a few months of this that he bails, angrily, and to this day i have no idea why he ran (and mad).
he was dating, it wasnt exclusive at all.
i guess what im trying to say is that my experience tells me it doesnt matter WHY he is inquiring,the bottem line is that he can want you to himself and still want to screw around.
its the reason women become “bitchy” and get called snobs.
the hoops they have to jump through to get us are then self-created. sigh
yeah i’ve known this guy for years now - he’s flipped on me a couple of times before we got together, but he always came back around.
now i’m not sure how to handle him. like perhaps i’m too aloof, but at the same time - i don’t want to get too serious, because that would be trouble. i guess i’ll just see how the next couple of weeks play out. all things reveal themselves in time, no?
okay only because you opened yourself up to it by writing the thread i will respond.
the fact that you say “now im not sure how to handle him” shows me that you like him alot, because there is concern that theres a wrong way to handle him…
as long as this is fun, why not give it zero thought and pheromone the hell out of him.
if its starting to be less fun,and more serious, do something to make or break the situation so there is no more of your time wasted.
i am definately too blunt, but i know i hate my time wasted.
id rather feel bad i ended something that i was enjoying knowing i was more serious than they other person was, rather than prolonging it until they got bored with me and left.
well i do like him a lot, as a human being. I wouldn’t be giving him the pleasure of my company, if i didn’t. lol We just don’t work on any sort of long-term committed level - at this point.
but i’d like to keep it casual - ask no questions tell no lies, for as long as possible - and he seems to be pushing that particular boundary. I don’t want to ruin the inarguably good thing I’ve got by getting caught up having to answer questions, you know what I mean?
thanks Mak - that’s exactly what I wanted to know. not necessarily what he may be feeling but how to handle it when it comes up again.
so let me ask you this - how do you think i should handle it if the “L” word gets dropped again?
am i right in pretending i didn’t hear it? Should i respond back? I do love him as a person. I just can’t say I’m IN love with him.
He may be practicing what I’ve known for a while (well at least since people I know started dying) - always tell someone how you feel about them, because you never know when they might be gone forever. But he may also feel that’s what he needs to say, to get me to give him what he wants. Which he doesn’t. I would love your male perspective on this.
I’d tell him that it is just a word everyone uses incl McDonalds salesman, but the real thing shows in actions and feelings that extend for a long time.
Confronting ?, a bit, but you want it to either stop, or mean something.
