Somechick's Journal

Field Reports & Anecdotal Experience Women's Journals
201

25 mcg of TAK is too much. I think I have only used it one other time and used 12.5, which made me kind of serenely sleepy. 25 mcg made me heavily sedated feeling. I did crash hard and didn’t wake up all night, but I was groggy and kind of blue feeling for several hours after waking up this morning.

If I am having a bad day today, I think I will try 12.5 mcg and see what happens. So far, the day has been okay. Nothing bad has happened yet.

I worked a short shift this morning, doing another later. Carpenter Mike came in with the Scott who has the crush on me. I told them I was going on vacation to Idaho…not sure where the hell that came from. I told them I was going hiking by myself. Mike tried to talk me into taking Scott with me. I said I was too boring for him, he practically screamed , “no, you’re not!”… He is fine as a customer, he is nice enough, but I had to go for Rob.

202

Hi Somechick, Sorry to hear about the shitty day. Hopefully today is better. About two years ago about 7 deer popped out of the woods on a northern Minnesota snowy highway and they cut right across the road in front of me. I missed momma deer and the next three, but i hit number 4 pretty hard and it went flying into the ditch. I stopped and walked back and it was still alive but mortally wounded, so I went back to my truck for my hunting knife and put it out of its misery, but I felt like shit the rest of the day. Hell I still feel bad about it now that I think about it.

Regarding the “Babe” thing, to me anyway, that is not a casual sex term of endearment. That tells me that it is a little more than that, that he has some feelings for you. So I wouldnt sweat it so much right now. I would concentrate on moving the relationship forward, and working on your phero mix to build more comfort and fallout with Rob, and reel him in slowly but surely…

203

Thank you for sharing your story. I hit a deer one night right, before Christmas, a couple of years ago. I was having a horrible night, and was on my way to church. I wasn’t going in, it was just a peaceful place for me to hang out and breathe. The deer was thrashing in the ditch and I was so upset. I talked to her and told her how sorry I was(I know, sounds incredibly dumb) and that I wished she wasn’t in pain. She settled down, and in a few minutes she was up. She walked a few feet, stopped and turned to look at me, then trotted off. I always hoped she made it.
I have a lot of deer in the back 35, so I really hate to see them die on the road. Hunting is different.

Thank you, also, for weighing in on the ‘babe’ thing. I feel kind of bad, because he texted me that maybe 5 times that night and I ignored it, because I didn’t know what he meant by it. I won’t make a big deal out of it, but at least it gives me a tiny glimmer of hope that it could be more. He is really amazing.

204

I think I need a pheromone that can help me accept change. I think that is a huge part of my problem. I am afraid of change. With Rob, I have this idea in my head of what this is, but when he tells me that he likes me, and that we are still going to be doing this in five years, it messes with my head. HE isn’t messing with my head, I am. I am not trying to. I am not totally resistant to change, I do recognize that change can lead to great things.

So, is there s pheromone that will make me like change? :wink: Because changing this from just a sex thing to something real is worth embracing change.

Last night I was overthinking, as usual, so I used one spray of P131. I use P130 sometimes and it helps settle me. It makes me able to stop being so in my head. So, I grabbed the P131 and tried a spray to see what it would do for me. I couldn’t stop thinking about Rob with his shirt off, like he was when he was saying goodbye last weekend. I just could NOT get the picture out of my head. Good thing it was just the shirtless image, because if I had the naked image in my head, I probably would have driven off the road…anyway, it wasn’t just a lustful feeling, it was more ‘oh my God, I can’t believe how gorgeous his body is’, like I was admiring how beautiful he is, without it being just sexual. If that makes sense. I am going to try it again. See if it makes me appreciate the beauty in other things.

Of course, I wouldn’t be me without feeling a little insecure when I thought about how good he looks naked. I know I need to get over it, but I had two kids, and two c-sections, my body doesn’t look like some young, hot chick’s would. I guess it doesn’t matter as much how I see me, as much as how he sees me. When I was with him and I tried to keep my boobs covered up( at first), he said, ‘don’t hide them, they are beautiful’ and at that moment, I felt like I was…

205

Did 12.5 mcg of TAK last night. I was having a hard time. Haven’t heard from Rob all week. I don’t know if that means anything or not. We had both said we were independent, which we both already knew from 5 years of being friends, and that we didn’t need someone around every day. And since I may have given him the impression that I am the one that is in it for the sex, I just don’t know…

I should have told him I would keep him when I had the chance…

anyway, ex Mr W texted me last night because his ex-wife drove by my house and saw my truck in the driveway and decided to tell him that I had a boyfriend here…so he was all nasty and mean and asking if I went out with someone new a month after we split, blah blah blah… I told him it was my dad’s truck, which he knew was in my barn. He just never went and looked at it. I just wish he would go away forever. I could change my phone number but I don’t want to. Silly as it seems, when I got divorced my ex-husband took my cell phone away from me because he didn’t think I could get one on my own. So when I did, it was like my liberation phone, my ‘fuck you, I will get my own phone’ phone, and even though it isn’t the same phone, it’s the same number. And all the kids doctors have it, school, all my contact information for everything has that number.

So, between crazy pants texting me and tweaking out about Rob, I needed something to help me sleep. 12.5 mcg TAK helped. It was definitely easier to take than the 25! It didn’t sedate me, and it wasn’t as peaceful as I hoped it would be. It took about a half an hour for me to realize that my brain was quietly shutting down all the craziness inside it. I seem to remember using it in the past and going quite peacefully off to sleep. Maybe that wasn’t as hard a day or something. This was a good tool to use, though. No residual grogginess this morning, which is good because my foster puppy was a mad dog really early this morning! He needs a forever home so bad!

206

I give up…:frowning:

207

You really don’t owe him or anyone that calls/texts you an explanation. You can simply block the number or don’t answer. It really is no other person’s business what you do unless you wish to share it. Bullies tend to seek out and attempt to take advantage of people they perceive as vulnerable. Do not interact with them. If some guy tried to give me what for, I would tell him to f’ck off. If he tried to get physical, I would offer him free bracelets and jail food. Or, I would defend myself with buckshot pellets in his ass. They actually make shotshells that fire rubber bullets or pepper. Just the thing for country living.

208

I would just like to say thank you to everyone who has been so nice to me here. I don’t know when or if I will be back here on the forum. I am going to the mountains tomorrow for a couple of days. I need a little hiking therapy.

I don’t seem to know how to pick 'em, so I think perhaps it is better if I just stop trying to. It’s funny, though. Rob, while I have known him for years, came along and made his move when I wasn’t looking. I never saw it coming. He and I have always gotten along so well that I once locked him in with me while I did my cash out, because we didn’t want to stop talking. Neither one of us ever seemed to want to say goodbye. Every time I have been with him out of work, it was the most comfortable thing in the world to be close to him. He said he just liked being with me, being near me, and I felt the same way. He didn’t have to lie to get in my pants, I was already at his house when he said we should/would still be doing this in five years. When I expressed disbelief, he said, ‘do you suppose that about four years in, you will believe that I am really going to stick around?’

And then he fell off the face of the earth. He always responded when I text him. Except for the text I sent him Monday. I have heard nothing all week. That is unusual. And we left it last week, that we would see each other tonight. At the very least, we were friends. He could have said goodbye…

So, I think it best if I just stop trying to have anything to do with men. It probably sounds really dumb to all of you, but after Mr W did all he did to me, emotionally, financially and physically, it was huge that I trusted Rob. If I can’t trust myself to find a good guy, even though I find it hard to believe that Rob pretended to be a good guy just to get laid, then I can’t trust myself at all. He could have had anyone, he said he knew that when you find people who you enjoy being around talking to , and feel this comfortable with, that it is rare and you keep those people in your life. I felt the same way.

This isn’t about Rob, really. It’s about me. I have grown and learned so much in the past few years. I have gotten stronger and happier and I thought I could have someone in my life to complement it. I guess I was wrong.

It’s okay. My family, on my dads side, all seem to be cursed with being alone. My mom married a guy 8 years younger than her, named Bob…they were married 24 years, until she died…just living out the family curse, I suppose.

209

It is not always easy to find something when really looking. But, when you don’t expect it, there it is. So it is sometimes easier to find it by not looking. Just being available to accept the random opportunity.

210

Rob WAS the random opportunity, and I screwed even that up!

211

I don’t think the final play of that game has been made yet. There are all sorts of random forces in the world. We have free will and control over some aspects of our lives, but not what other people do. We really don’t know peoples’ thoughts and motives for certain. What they will do, might do, or why they might do it.

Living with uncertainty is very uncomfortable. But the truth, as you know, is that none of us truly know what we will or won’t be doing on this day one month from now. You might meet someone else, no one else, or might go in an entirely different direction. Putin might start WWIII. But he likely won’t. Go ahead and buy dehydrated food. But also go on and expect that other opportunities will present. A risk of failure is present every day. I do not know for certain that I will be alive tomorrow. But, I am not going to go looking for a bad outcome. Because, I will find it. Your brain will become obsessed with a ruminating thought and fear of failure. You will feel stress. You will seek out that false expectation. Postive thinking alone won’t work magic. But a negative outlook will cause you to seek out and find things you don’t want.

I’d skip the TAK. TAA is a better choice, if you have it. Go places where people are, don’t fixate too much on one particular situation. Allow destiny a chance to work. Weather changes daily. Even blizzards don’t last. I don’t tend to favor PUA materials for men. Women don’t have a walnut brain like livestock animals. 9 times out of ten, any attraction I get is because I looked like someone’s old boyfriend. I have no control over it. They also have to like my mones signature. The only thing I have any control over at all–besides product choices–is looking for random opportunity.

Within my lifetime, we will have something along the lines of EHarmony + genetic testing and computer-designed pheromone blends. It works. The technology sort of exists now. But, the people still have to meet face-to-face. In that respect, actually, onlne dating is good for women. They can meet and screen. It’s a buyers market. Harder for men. Any success at all I have had comes from just pure luck and some intelligent use of mones. That’s all. However, like fishing, if luck runs dry, dry spells can be lengthy. Nothing for it but to try a different pond. That’s all. Fish don’t bite, go looking elsewhere. No sense staring all day at an empty hook. Life is too short. Yesterday is past. Tomorrow has not yet begun.

Please don’t think that if something goes wrong, it is your fault. There is no fault. You have no control over the free will of others. The concept of commitment or lack thereof has far more to do with a man’s own internal fear than anything you did. Women wrongly presume that men who act confident and in control actually are. Generally, we fake it very well. Cops, firemen, military types–they conceal their fear and terror in private. The more people tell you they have their sh’t together, the more likely the are on the verge of insanity at any instant.

212

Sooooo…I went to the mountains and took a little break from the world. It was a good trip, ate great food, hung out with my kids, saw some old friends, climbed a baby mountain. It rained like crazy the first day, so we couldn’t hike the mountain I wanted to climb. The kids wouldn’t have been able to do it. So, we waited s couple of days for the rain to let up. By the time it was nice out, we didn’t have much time, so I only got to climb one that was about 2200 feet. But it’s pretty up there and the climb was peaceful.

Rob texted me while I was up there, but the service is spotty and I lost him. It still made me happy that he texted.

I texted him when I got home and reminded him that this was my kid free weekend, and to let me know if he wanted to see me. He texted back ‘that would be great’…So I was hopeful that I would see him at some point.

Didn’t hear from him Friday night, but I was caught up in a book my friend told me about. Went to work Saturday in a decent mood, wore some MX335, because I adore it. I have tried MX135 and MX235, but I do not seem to get the same self effects from those. I don’t understand that at all, as it is the same mix, just with a different scent.

Rob texted yesterday afternoon and said hey, then that he couldn’t wait to see me. So instead of texting back something snarky, I simply said I couldn’t wait to see him, too. Then he said he had been looking forward to seeing me all week. When I said “really?” he said 'HELL YEAH". and we texted back and forth for a bit.

Then he disappeared, and I thought he changed his mind or something came up, so I went to bed. I wasn’t asleep yet, and it wasn’t really late, and he texted and asked if I was awake. He said he was so sorry, he fell asleep watching a game. Anyway, I ended up going over to see him, just a little later than planned.

I wore 3 sprays IS/B and 20 mcg P74, at the recommendation of MMDI(Thank you!) He was happy to see me, and we started fooling around, then this little black furball comes flying in to his bedroom. He got a kitten a couple of days ago. It was sooooo stinking cute! Like I needed any more reason to fall for the boy… he got it as a companion to his kids other cat. The kitten and I fell in love. Now I want his kitten!

Anyway, it was awesome to see him, and yes we had sex. I wonder how many times it is going to take before it doesn’t freaking HURT! And I brought lube, because last time I practically had to sit on a bag of frozen peas, and I am considering doing that right now. It was better than last time, as far as pain, and he says next time will be better…

So, we are talking afterwards and it turns to the fact that he says we will still be doing this, but not five years this time, now he is saying something about the first decade…and I say he is NOT going to keep me around and he says I am ‘so wrong’…so I said I am not good at this meaningless sex thing, and he asks me what makes this meaningless, and I said ‘well, you wouldn’t be seen in public with me’(because I heard this was an important FWB rule) and he said that wasn’t true at all…then I asked him what he was going to do with me if he met someone that he actually ‘liked’ and he said ‘what makes you think I don’t actually like you? I wouldn’t be sleeping with you, if I didn’t’

While we were talking he mentioned Vermont and I asked him where he was from, because I knew it wasn’t around here, and that he had been on his own since he was 15. I just didn’t know why. He said something about it being a long story and I felt bad asking, so I apologized and said it was none of my business but he said it was okay, and told me that he moved around a lot because his father was crazy and they moved out of a lot of places in the middle of the night, and that he was just grateful that his dad always showed up to get him, and didn’t leave him behind. Okay, so my heart breaks for the poor little boy he was, but he is so freaking amazing now! His parents are both dead, and he has a half brother and a half sister, who shared the same mom but not the crazy dad.

He is just so damn easy to be around. I could easily stay with him for much longer than I allow myself. He was in no hurry for me to leave. He walked me out to my truck again, even though I told him he didn’t have to. I don’t know what we were talking about, but I said he wasn’t going to see me again, which is kind of becoming a joke, because I seem to always be wrong where he is concerned. So, I told him that I like him, and said that would make sure he didn’t call again. He said, 'and you think I didn’t know that?" so, I am apparently not scaring him away by liking him.

And did I mention that I am in love with his kitten…?

213

Oh and I think the P74 is very bonding because there were some serious puppy dog eyes going on last night, and I know it wasn’t just him that had 'em going on…I was all puppy eyed, for him, too…

214

I was wearing MX135 today to see what I got for hits.

The new Scott has been dubbed S2 by a co-worker, because Hot Scott is the first Scott…she’s silly…anyway, he was in today and man, he would follow me like a puppy if I let him. But I can’t do that to him. He has the total DIHL thing going on with me. He tried to get me to go work with him for the afternoon, because he wanted to keep looking at me!

All day long people told me how great I looked. I hate to think what they thought of me before. I have lost some weight, but mostly I think it’s the shorter, sassy hair, the clothes that actually fit and aren’t two sizes too big, the cleavage, and the giant smile on my face. I cannot stop smiling after I see Rob. I walk around grinning like an idiot for days.

I have realized that he is actually going to continue to call, so I am relaxing a little bit, which is nice. I will just take it as it comes and see where it
goes.

Tonight I was doing my second half of a split shift and Hot Scott came in. He hasn’t been in when I was alone in a while. He asked for cigarettes, which used to be a big joke with us, because he always checked out my boobs when I was reaching up for them. So I made some smartass comment about that, and that he wasn’t looking anymore. And he tells me he is looking, he is liking and he wants to see them again…REALLY!? NOW!?! When I finally moved on!? So yeah, he tells me that he still likes me but that things have been really crazy…

But if I had to choose, I would pick Rob. I have known him longer, liked him longer, and have so much to talk about. We are incredibly comfortable together and it feels very, very right when I am with him. He feels like coming home.

As hot as Scott is, I was never that comfortable with him. Might have gotten that way, had we been together more, but I doubt I will ever find out.

So, I wonder, was the MX135 at play? Making S1 and S2 make a move? Was it the reason for all the compliments? I do very well with MX335, so I think it is very likely.
I know that last week Hot Scott heard me talking to a friend, Erin, about Rob. Erin knows about Scott but not who he is, so she had no idea that he was five feet away when she was telling me that Rob sounds like a smart man, and that I should keep him.
Is he hitting on me now, because he wants to, or because he knows that I have other interest?

Eh, it doesn’t really matter. Rob is the better choice. Although, I think I will always have a tiny little crush on Scott…

But I do like the hits from MX135. Going to play with it again tomorrow, because it is going to be a crazy long day, and I need some fun!

215

so can we talk about how foolish you feel for driving yourself crazy about him not liking you, when it was ALL IN YOUR HEAD!!! (joking, but truly hope this gives you some perspective of pulling your own mental brakes when you go down this spiral again)

so happy for you!!! He seems really wonderful. I actually love that he has had a rough history because people who have experienced challenges can face anything and are significantly stronger, mentally and emotionally. Crossing my fingers for you that this works out and lasts a long time!

216

And then I don’t hear from him all week and I realize that I really am just a random hookup girl…

217

I dunno. Sometimes we guys are just trying our best to work out where we stand with a girl who doesn’t know where she stands with US!

Happens WAY more often than you think. Turn guys who start with best intentions into (apparent) jerks. Ask any guy here what they’ve heard about “nice guys”.

And male insecurity does the same to you gals.

218

So how do we resolve this, not knowing where we stand, issue?

219

To know that, I’d have to be a whole lot smarter than anyone I’ve ever heard of.

The first step, I suppose, is to be actively aware of the effect our choices may have on others (vs., or even “while”, being lost in our own heads) and better understand why others may be acting as they do (they may get lost in their heads, too) They may only be trying to act prudently, based on what we put out there.

Perhaps the biggest mistake is “playing it cool”, “protecting ourselves”. That’s no way to connect – and when someone does come to storm the castle walls, we often automatically mount an active defense against our would-be liberators.

I’ve given SO many lectures to lonely friends on that. It’s fear, not prudence – and the other person may have a little fear too. It’s often convenient to pretend/expect others to be paragons of reason and resolve while ourselves are often quivering with anxieties, scars and insecurity, but if they were, what would they want with us

In fact, we often ask ourselves “what would they want with us” due to that fallacy.

Maybe, just maybe, we can sometimes try acting as open and caring in seeking a relationship as we wish to be in a relationship. Think of all the promising starts that faltered at that delicate point where we try to change gears – those usually out number the successful transitions! Think of all the relationships we fall into, without really trying – bypassing that transition. I’ve even had had happen as I was planning a transition (which would probably have ended poorly)

Don’t overthink. It’s the worst thing we can do. Most of the other common pitfalls are due to being (or presenting ourselves as being) unsuited or not seeking the kind of relationship we really want (even if we could easily remedy that with a small change in our outlook), but Overthinking can invoke every error in the book.

220

I can’t agree more with Vanadium!

You will achieve nothing by creating stories in your head and not having an open dialogue with him. Sure, he said one thing and did another. You two are brand new, do you expect to hear from him everyday at the beginning? Wouldn’t that be over kill? People are busy yes, but there is also a certain level of “appropriate” amount of flirtation in the beginning and everyone’s interpretation of that is different.

Have you thought that he is just as scared and frightened as you? There is a good chance he is not sure how to behave because of the mixed signals you give him. This happened with the other guy too (Scott 1 I think?) Making assumptions about how a person feels, projecting those feelings as if they are real, and avoiding any real connection is not how you two are going to grow together. It’s the opposite. I know you know all of this and I don’t mean to come off condescending by any means-- just get sad when you know it’s over not when you imagine that it is.