Somechick's Journal

Field Reports & Anecdotal Experience Women's Journals
221

I am just very unsure of what we are doing. When we first started this, I texted him one day and he was very happy to hear from me, ‘you can text me any time, I really enjoy talking to you’ but he never texts me unless he wants to see me. And by see, I mean sex…so, that is why I think it is just sex…BUT, when I am with him, he says things that make me think it isn’t. He always says he misses me, that he was looking forward to seeing me all week, that he doesn’t want me to run off after sex, that he likes me, etc. However, I texted him last week that he didn’t have to wait to see me until my kids were with their father, that I could find a way to see him, if he wanted to. He didn’t even reply…

No, I don’t expect to hear from him every day, but it is nice not to be ignored. I feel silly even saying this, but he is the first guy that I have ever started something with that I actually miss when I don’t see him. He told me he missed me, the first night I went to his house. I didn’t want to tell him that I missed him, too, but I did. I just love being with him. Being with him gives me a feeling I have never felt before. I know how sappy and pathetic that sounds. He must feel something, too, because that night in the barn, he said he liked being with me, being near me and listening to me talk. That he just wanted to curl up and watch movies all night with my head on his chest.

He told me we would still be doing this in five years. I don’t think anyone keeps someone around that long, do they, if it’s just for the sex? What girl could sleep with a guy for that long without falling for him?

I really appreciate everything you had to say, Vanadium and LS. It does help me, to hear other perspectives. I will give my own behavior some thought. I think I am going to just leave him alone, he knows how to find me. That way I don’t have to feel bad when if he doesn’t reply…

222

You often use phrases like “sappy and pathetic” that make it seem undesirable. Don’t you want to feel that way in a relationship?

He may also not be much of a texter. Try something less distant and sterile, less prone to “exact edit paralysis”: I hear the latest texting devices have telephones built in!

“Leaving him alone” isn’t an effective strategy for connecting. It’s just easier and “safer”.

223

I do want to be that way in a relationship, it is my nature to be affectionate and loving. I just don’t know how to be in this kind of relationship. And I saw him today, so I am a little more clear on what this is…I don’t know how to label it, it’s not just sex, but he isn’t looking for a girlfriend. It really is more of a friends with benefits thing, I guess. He doesn’t seem to be in any hurry to end this with me, seems perfectly content to keep going as we are, but he told me today that he doesn’t like to have anyone to answer to.

I am a little sleepy right now, so I can’t remember everything he said, and it doesn’t make him sound like a bad person. He is honest. He has always lived his life on his own terms and seems to want to continue that way. He stays with whomever he is with until they want to be more, then they part on good terms. I am conflicted, because I would love to be more than this with him, but I also don’t want someone to be joined to my hip. I don’t want some needy, clingy guy. I don’t need to see them every day, as long as I know where I stand with them. Strangely, with Rob, I don’t even worry about what he is doing when he isn’t with me. I went nuts wondering what the former Mr W was up to, because it was always something bad. I actually trust Rob…wow! I can’t believe I just said that, and that I mean it.

I do freak out about what I mean, or don’t mean, to him, I will admit it. I am not used to being in something that isn’t based on love. And I guess if I want to be with him, it likely never will be. I think I will see where it goes. I might as well enjoy the ride while I can. But I am unleashing the affection and stuff that I have been holding back.

I told him that I was sad that I wouldn’t get to hear about his Kilimanjaro trip, which isn’t for a year, and he asked why I wouldn’t get to hear about it. So maybe he will stick around for a little while…and DAMN he looks good naked in my bed!

224

Okay, I didn’t get that from what I read before (I didn’t read it all at once). I can see how you may have concerns over whether he wants what you want.

I’m glad that you’re so happy with him in many ways, but I do see the risk of wasting time and opportunities to find what you really wanted. We can’t value our youth highly enough until it’s gone!

225

I have been weighing the risks of being with him all day. I am somewhat afraid of letting something with potential pass me by to be with him. I don’t know how to feel about that. He is just someone that I feel I will always regret losing if I don’t see what happens. I am fairly sure it won’t be a real relationship, because he doesn’t seem to need someone waiting at home for him. That makes me sad, because I think he is just what I want in my life. I think we could make it work, but for now, I guess it is just a no strings thing.

As long as I want him, he will see only me. And right now, I want him. He is good for me in some ways. He sees what is beautiful in me, and he makes me see it, too. I will probably get me heart broken, but I guess that is a risk I would be taking with anyone.

226

It may help to clarify what exactly it is that you want that he doesn’t. We don’t usually get the white picket fence we expected (In fact, I never got around to installing one, but I plan to, this spring, well after my kids are grown! The ex didn’t want one–felt it was too trite.), but often we get something that’sjust as good.

227

I want a white picket fence! LOL, well, I do like them, but I think it would take A LOT of fence to go around my place…:slight_smile: I’m only an hour north of Boston, though…

He doesn’t want to call me his girlfriend, I actually don’t care if he does, as long as what we have is real. And at the moment, it seems to be. He did say he was going to stick around, and he did say he hoped he had overcome all the misconceptions I had of him just being here for a couple of rolls in the hay. The things he says most of the time, make me think he likes me, and he told me again today that he did. But he doesn’t want to commit. It’s way too soon for that anyway.

228

Hey S-Chick,

As long as this is all OK with you, might as well play it out and see where it leads. I mean there are worse things than regular great sex with a sexy handsome man that is nice to you, am I right?

But keep your eyes open…you never know if the real Mr. Right might come along…It could happen :slight_smile:

229

And don’t forget that “we don’t always get what we wanted, but often get something as good or better” applies to him, too. Even the most spirited stallion will eventually slow down enough to get roped.

230

LOL, I will keep my eyes open for Mr Right. But I think it is unlikely that I will find someone else who will listen to me ramble on about how fascinated I am with where my AB+ blood type came from, or go off on a tangent about some interesting thing I heard about DNA, or how monarch butterflies are losing their habitat and that is why I let milkweed grow in my front yard and refuse to mow it, or the geological makeup of the beach I like to walk at, etc. Rob is the first guy who didn’t run screaming when I started talking about some really obscure, crazy topic. If that isn’t Right, I don’t know what is! I do know what you are saying, and I appreciate your advice.

I really…really…really like him…and he must like me a little. He does call me babe and says I should keep him. I have never been so comfortable, so quickly with anyone sexually. There is some kind of weird bond here, I can’t explain. Probably why I was drawn to him from the time we met.

And it is nice to have someone be nice to me for a change. It has been a loooong time!

231

Well, I will need some lasso lessons, then, because he is very much worth roping!

232

Well, he seems like a bright guy, based on his interest in those fascinating topics. It shouldn’t take him TOO long to figure out you’re “as good or better”

233

LOL! Thank you! Most people don’t find the stuff I talk about fascinating. Their eyes glaze over or they throw themselves in front of a truck…I just think that there is always something new and interesting to learn, no matter how old I get. That is one of the things I like about Rob, he says he will never be bored because there is always something new to learn.

234

fell at the beach today, smashed my head open, not fond of the tetanus shot.. or the staples. I am doing random things to see if I can keep my focus…this is one of them…going to see if I can get comfortable and get some sleep. They gave me a rx for something I never heard of…wow, it is taking forever to type…

night night

235

OMG! Lady are you ok?!? Did you lose consciousness? CAT? How are you feeling??

236

I was alone and I ‘think’ I only lost consciousness for a minute or so, maybe…? I have a mild concussion, feeling better now, but still spacy. I don’t like it at all.

I have been getting as much rest as I can, but it’s probably not really enough. Hard to rest with so much to take care of. This is one of those times I sort of wish I weren’t single…LOL…it would be nice to have someone to snuggle up to, when I don’t feel well.

I thought the story was a little boring, so I have been telling everyone that I had too many dollar drafts at the Palomino Lounge and tried to ride the mechanical bull. I can’t believe how many people believe it! LOL, even people that know me and know that I don’t drink! It certainly has more color than falling at the beach climbing on the rocks and bashing my head open.

237

I’ve been reading several times a day to see how you’re doing. I know what you mean, and I hate being single too. I don’t do “alone” very well. Take care of yourself and heal quickly.

Sue1anne

238

I am still recovering from my head injury. I wish I felt better than I do. I am sooooo tired and I haven’t had enough time to rest except the day after it happened. I have had to work every day.

I took my kids to a fair yesterday and that was agony. We hadn’t been for 7 years or so, so it was nice to have the early part of the day off to take them.

I have worn some pheromones this week to try to keep myself perky when feeling like crap. Mostly MX135, TAA and EST. Seems to help a bit, though I really just want to sleep…

I haven’t heard from Rob since the day he was here. I feel that I won’t. It’s a gut feeling, not me being dramatic. I am okay with it. There were never any promises made, I didn’t have any expectations. I am sad, because he is someone that I would really love to have spent more time with. He made me very happy. I will be okay, I just think it may take a little time to get to where I want to see someone again. I hope he has all the adventures he is looking for, and happiness, love and wonderful times. He is tremendously special to me.

Hot Scott asked me what I was doing this weekend, but I had kids. He has made his interest known. I am just not sure I am interested anymore. At least not now. I think I just want to enjoy my memories of my time with Rob before I play with anyone else, even Scott.

S2 is so crushing on me, and he seems sweet enough. I just don’t think I can deal with the amount he drinks and the other stuff he does. He did say he admires me for not doing any recreational drugs! LOL I don’t think I should give him any hope that there is a chance I will go out with him, when there is no chance, so I have been trying to stay very casual with him, and keep him from trying to get close. I do not want to hurt him. I do not like to hurt anyone.

Hopefully I will feel better and play with my stash more soon. Maybe someone will come along today to knock my socks off and I will try out the ISB/TAA that I was going to use on Rob…yeah, no…

239

Starting to feel like myself again, finally. I hated being so out of it. But since I have always been not right in the head, it’s hard to assess any real damage :wink:…

I need something to take my mind off Rob. Like some experiment with my stash. I tried some P131 with TAA and EST and a spray of MX235 yesterday and it seemed to be the reason that three different men stopped what they were doing and turned around to watch me walk by, then just total DIHL…

I don’t know what to try other than it should have TAA in it, because I am majorly bummed that Rob is gone. Damn my high standards! I know I could hookup with any one of several people, including Hot Scott, but I don’t want to. Well, maybe Scott…but the others do not flip my skirt, at all…

240

I wore 20 mcg of TAH, 20 mcg TAA, two sprays of P131 and one spray of MX235 yesterday to work. I work alone on Sunday, and I like it that way most of the time. Yesterday was one of those days. I wanted some flirty time, to take my mind off Rob. I work in a deli/convenience store. Not glamorous, but I LOVE the people I work for and there are tons of cute guys who come in multiple times a day. So lots of good flirt potential.

The register is located near the door. There is an entryway with a window that looks in at the register. This is good to see who is coming and to check people out as they go :wink:. The Hot Scott thing started because I caught him checking me out as he was walking out, he looked back in to check me out and I looked up to check HIM out…we did it again the other day, and totally grinned at each other for getting caught again. I caught him looking at my boobs while reaching over my head the other day, too. He got the guilty, caught red-handed look on his face, that is so cute…

Anyway, there was a TON of eye contact yesterday. More than usual and several people looked back in to look at me as they walked out. One guy walked out, looked back, saw me look up and stopped dead and stared at me before shaking himself and leaving.

A drunk guy came in with his friends, and he was buying gum. He wouldn’t let go of his money. I tried to take it from him and he held on tight. I looked him in the eye and he said, “You’re a pretty girl. That pink hair you got makes your eyes look holy shit green!” LOL, yes, he actually said ‘holy shit green’…not really sure if holy shit is green or not, but my eyes are. His friends had to drag him out, because he “want to stay and look at those pretty eyes all day”…I have always had drunk appeal, because face it, any girl can look good of you are drunk enough.

Another regular customer came in and struck up a long conversation about my kids, and how schooling has changed and how there is no emphasis on family anymore, and how college costs too much money now, etc…known him for 20 years, he has NEVER yapped that long to me. He just didn’t seem to want to GO…

The widower down the street, John, came in, as he usually does on Sunday. I like talking to him because he is from town so he remembers all the same people I do, and the places that aren’t around anymore, and families that moved away, etc. He always has good stories to tell. I have thought for a while that he might like me. I don’t know if I told the story about him, when I was having a bad day and he came in and I was all worked up, he said I needed a spa day, and I said I needed to get laid(I felt I could say this to him, having known him for so long and feeling like he wouldn’t take it the wrong way), and he said 'Let’s go!" and points his thumb towards the door…anyway, yesterday he said if I went and mowed his lawn, he’d buy me dinner…I think he is trying to ask me out and isn’t quite sure how. I do enjoy talking to him, but I am not attracted to him. He isn’t bad looking, and I am not shallow that way, it’s never been about looks alone for me. Mr W was NOT good looking at all. I know how I feel right now, liking Rob so much and wishing so bad that he was still around. I don’t want to let someone like me, when I know that I don’t feel the same. I don’t want to make someone feel the way i feel right now. Does that sound conceited? I am not assuming that everyone is going to fall for me, or anything. I just don’t want to lead someone on. I’d rather be alone, than hurt anyone.

I ordered some MX274 today. I have never tried it. I have some diluted P91 still to try, but I am afraid of it! After it turned me into the HellBitch, I am afraid of it, even in its diluted form. I also have some P75, but I think that’s a male phero…

I wish there was something to take my mind off Rob…he did text me and ask how my head was, said he was glad I was feeling better, but that was all. He didn’t ask to see me…so I am continuing with the assumption that he is no longer interested in seeing me…

I know this is wicked long, but today I wore two sprays ISB and two sprays of MX235 and I felt very good. I felt sexy and confident and ready to flirt with anyone. I used to be afraid to talk to people I saw as better than me. With this mix on, I felt I could talk to anyone. It felt good. I may try it again tomorrow.