This is old, but it still made me laugh.
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.” So the next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceed to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:
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Sip the Vodka, don’t gulp it.
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There are 10 Commandments, not 12.
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There are 12 Disciples, not 10.
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Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
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Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
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We do not refer to Jesus as the late J.C.
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The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
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David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
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When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
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We do not refer to the Cross as the Big T!
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When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, “Take this and eat it, for it is my body”, he did not say, “Eat Me”.
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The Virgin Mary is not referred to as, “Mary with the Cherry”.
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The recommended grace before a meal is not: “Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub. Yeah God!”
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Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter’s, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.